He's been gone for three days now. Just left the inn in the middle of the night, no note, no warning, no sign of him.
Even Goku has begun to worry. Sanzo warned us that if he doesn't return by tomorrow morning, we'll have to leave without him. I don't know why he directed this at me, maybe because Goku was too innocent to understand.
Maybe because he's my best friend. Maybe because I know every inch of his blood-stained soul. Maybe because…
…it's partly my fault.
But in a sense, he was only hurting himself. It's true, I shouldn't have lectured him about that waitress. He's a grown man and he can make his own decisions, why did I have to chide him? I don't know why I was particularly upset about this girl, something about the way she sneered at me as I left the room to give them some privacy. The look in her eyes said "He chose me over you. My prize now."
It's not like I was fighting her for his affection. He never even lets them stay in his bed, they're only with him for a few hours. After she left, I went back in and he was just lying there with that cocky grin on his face, almost mocking me because I was not a pretty little waitress.
I guess that's what made me crack a little bit. I didn't raise my voice, I just quietly scolded him for being such a womanizer. Somehow I managed to keep my frozen smile throughout the entire discourse, but I think that infuriated him even more than my reprimanding words. He began antagonizing me for always looking over his shoulder and never leaving him alone. Something else about me looking down on him as if he were a child, too. His voice began to grow louder, and he stood up from the bed. The more he advanced on me, the more I began to back towards the door. My calm responses just fueled his anger, and eventually he was shouting. I lost my patience when he had me cornered against the door. In the same quiet tone, I asked if the women were just replacements for his loneliness. His eyes narrowed further and he hissed,
"At least I've moved on and I'm not stuck in memories about fucking my sister!"
His jaw dropped and I think my heart skipped several beats. Neither of us could believe he had said that. His tirade apparently finished, he backed up and let me walk to my bed. Even though my heart pounded, I forced myself to lay down and go to sleep. I think he said 'Hakkai' once, but I didn't respond.
When I woke in the morning he was gone.
Pain from last night turned into overwhelming guilt. If only I hadn't made him so angry, he wouldn't have said something so hurtful. Throughout that entire day, I walked about in a gloom that even my smile could not cover.
By the next afternoon, my guilt was almost completely gone.
I had started nothing. I never once yelled or accused him of anything, why had he gotten so upset over such a small matter? I didn't usually talk about his sleeping habits and partners, just this once. He had had no right or reason to say what he did.
Still, it was so lonely now with him gone.
"Hakkai." Sanzo's voice broke through the haze of my reverie.
I turned to him with a false smile. "Aa?"
"We leave at dawn."
"Wakarimasu." I nodded and he left the room. I turned my face back to the window and the gathering storm clouds. It would rain tonight.
And I would be alone.
Hours passed and it was dark when I awoke from a hellish nightmare. The lower half of my body was twisted in the sheet, and my chest was heaving with ragged breaths. The monsters and apparitions of my dream were choking my throat and blinding me with painful sweat until I threw open the window and let in the pouring rain.
I had never turned to rain for comfort.
Usually I turned to-
No. Stop it, I told my mind firmly. I don't need him and I never did.
But he saved you once-
And I've repaid my debt a thousand times over.
It was raining like this…He used to try and divert your attention when it rained.
It never worked.
He was solace.
He left.
My conscience had no response to that.
Footsteps in the hall. My body tensed at a familiar presence. Was it real, or just another nightmare?
The door opened and a bolt of lightning provided enough illumination for me to see his face. Same three scars, same long red hair, tied back now so that I could see the fatigue in his eyes. Same faint smell of cigarette smoke that I had grown to love better than any cologne. A lopsided grin touched his lips, and when he spoke, his voice was hoarse.
"Miss me?"
For some reason, the question made me angry. I turned away from him and moved to pick up my shirt. It was cold all of a sudden.
Long, graceful fingers grabbed my hands and stopped me. I jerked away from his touch, rolling onto my side so that my face was tilted towards the open window and my back was facing him.
"Hakkai…" his voice was uncertain. Gojyo was never unsure of himself. Then again, I was never angry.
There was a five-minute pause in which the only sound was the pounding rain and the rolling thunder.
"I missed you."
The words struck me through to my bones and my anger dissipated. He reached up, leaning over me to close the window. Once it was closed, the room was quieter, and I was more aware of his movements. The mattress shifted to accommodate the warm body that melded itself against mine. His hot breath on my neck made me shiver, and strong arms wrapped themselves around me, pulling me into his chest. Even after a fight, he was still protecting his best friend.
"I'm sorry," I whispered.
I felt him nod, and his hair tickled the back of my neck. "Me too."
When he spoke next, his voice was bittersweet, amused and mournful at the same time.
"We're an odd pair, aren't we?"
"Aa," I replied ruefully.
"Not like the monk and his monkey."
I nodded, and it was quiet again for a few minutes.
"You were right."
I was dozing off. "Hmm?"
"About the women being replacements."
I stiffened. "Gojyo, I didn't mean it…"
"I've been looking for someone to fill the hole, but no one ever can."
I was silent.
"How do you do it?"
"Nani?"
"How do you fill Kanan's hole?"
I sucked in my breath, and the smile mask came to my face out of habit. "I have someone who fills it for me."
Now it was his turn to stiffen. "Who?"
"I can't tell you."
"Hakkai…"
"It's someone you know."
"Who? Sanzo?" he cursed. "That droopy-eyed monk??"
"Iya."
"Goku? K'so, is it Yaone?"
I shook my head. "It's a man."
"I need more hints. Jiipu?"
"Hakuryuu is a dragon," I said, amused.
"Fuck, I'm out of ideas. Clues, please."
I closed my eyes and settled into his embrace. "He has crimson hair and eyes that used to remind me of blood."
There was a pause. "You know any other half-youkais?"
"Iya."
"Oh." And then, "Ooooohhhh…"
I smiled and shook my head. "Do you know now?"
"Hai."
He held me closer, if that was at all possible.
"I guess I won't be needing all those condoms I just bought."
"Gojyo!"
He laughed, and the deep sound resonated through my heart. "Well it's true. Unless you're planning on having children any time soon."
"Gojyo," I murmured, embarrassed and slightly dazed.
"Hai, hai."
"Mmm."
"Hakkai?"
"Aa?" I was drifting off again.
"I didn't come back for Sanzo or the little ape."
"Oh?"
"I thought about life without you, and it hurt me more than the thought of a life without women."
"I'm flattered."
"I'm serious."
"I know."
"Hakkai?"
"Aa?"
"Oyasumi."
I smiled, half conscious, and repeated the sentiment. "Oyasumi nasai, Gojyo."
Outside, it was still raining.
And for the first time in my life, that was just fine with me.
Oyasumi nasai, Gojyo…
…we'll let the rain wash away our sins.