Hammond's Week Off
by Layton Colt
While the cat's away--the mice will play.
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THURSDAY (Jack)
Okay, so maybe things have gotten slightly out of control. Maybe I should have drawn the line at mud wrestling. But if the nurses wanted to do it, who was I to stop them?
Okay, so I should have stopped them. It just didn't seem fair to say no, though--not after I allowed SG-16 to set up the snow machine in storage room 25B.
But the General comes back tomorrow, so I've really got to start getting everything back to normal. I did cancel the basketball tournament. That was an easy enough decision. The supposedly Magnificent O'Neill's couldn't play basketball to save their lives. Damn Ferretti got to Evans first, though, so my team really never stood a chance.
Ah, Ferretti. Poor, poor, stupid Ferretti. Makepeace came to me earlier today, suggesting I might want to put the major in protective custody. Our innocent little Danny is once again out for his blood.
Apparently Ferretti's plan to restore peace blew up in his face. Or rather, in Daniel's face. Carter tells me it was not a pretty sight. Coffee went everywhere. Luckily, it wasn't hot enough to burn, but it was just annoying enough to give Daniel the same expression he got every time we encounter Apophis.
There's a new betting pool circling the base--people are trying to make estimates on Ferretti's life expectancy. So far, it doesn't look good. I figure, before I try to disband the volleyball team and dry out storage room 25B, I should try to get them to play nice. Daniel isn't usually one to hold a grudge, so it shouldn't be too hard to get him and Ferretti back on good terms.
Then I'm going to have to clean up the rest of the base. If I manage to talk Daniel out of killing Ferretti, I might even get them both to help me clean up.
Of course, it doesn't help that I was encouraging Daniel earlier. I couldn't help it though. It's always me that Daniel's mad at, it was nice being the 'good one' for once and I got slightly carried away. Not to mention, while Ferretti was in hiding, I had the base all to myself.
"Oh no," I groan. The yelling voices coming from the gym take away any hope for a quick solution.
"Where the hell did you even get the damn thing, Ferretti? Did you just find it on a street corner somewhere?"
I sneak in. They don't seem to notice me. Daniel looks pretty pissed. Can't really say I blame him. If I didn't need Ferretti's help--I'd leave him to face Daniel alone.
"Of course not!" Ferretti sounds offended. "I found it here on base. In one of the storage rooms."
Oh, he so should have kept that to himself.
"What?" Daniel said incredulously.
"It looked good as new! How was I supposed to know it was broken?"
"Did you ever wonder WHY it might be sitting forgotten in a dark storage room!" Daniel roars.
He's got you there, Lou.
"Well, you didn't actually think I'd bought it, did you? Those things are ridiculously priced."
"No, I just thought you had it and didn't want it anymore--or that you at the very least knew that it WORKED. I guess I overestimated your intelligence. Only a moron would give something they found just laying around as a gift."
Uh oh. Daniel rarely plays the genius card. This isn't good. He's not one to flaunt his intelligence.
"Hey guys," I break in. "What's going on?"
They both turn on me--Ferretti looking like the proverbial deer in the headlights and Daniel looking like the driver about to run over said deer. Purposely.
"Sir," Ferretti says.
Ah, going for the meek soldier act now, are we? You've been a smart ass from the first day we met, Ferretti, don't change now.
"Jack," Daniel snaps.
What did I do? Turn that crazed look back on the one that deserves it, buddy. I haven't done anything--this time, anyway.
"Is there a problem here?" I ask. Okay, so I've slipped into the good soldier role as well. I don't know why. It isn't like it has a calming effect on irate civilians.
"As if you don't know."
My but Daniel's been in a bad mood this week. I can't imagine why.
"Pretend that I don't," I say. I'm being condescending, I know it. I should really know better than to do that with Daniel by now. It only ever makes the problem worse. But it's just so fun.
"Okay," Daniel says with a tight smile. "YOUR friend here gave me a broken coffee machine to make up for erasing HOURS of my work--and it blew up all over my office."
"It wasn't that bad," Ferretti said defensively. "I should know. You made me clean it up."
"Maybe the reason you didn't have much trouble is because the majority of it got on ME. I still have coffee in my EARS!"
"Boys, boys," I say. This earns me a glare from both of them. I've really got to work on playing peacemaker. Being antagonistic just comes so naturally. "Why don't you just let bygones be bygones and help me get the base back in order?"
Daniel snorts at this. "Of course. And there it is. Your hidden agenda. I should have known you weren't really trying to help us sort this out."
"Now, Daniel, that's not fair," I say. "I think that cleaning the mud from the rec room would do us all some good."
"Mud?" Daniel asks.
"Oh, you mean to tell me you missed the wrestling?"
"Wrestling, Jack?"
O-kay. Daniel sounds mad again. This time at me.
"I'm not cleaning up any MUD, Jack," Daniel hisses. "I've put up with enough this week. From the both of you."
"Hey, what did I do?"
"What did you DO? Do you want a list?"
When did Daniel get so sarcastic? Must be Ferretti's influence.
"I don't think you have time to make that list, Daniel, the General will be here by tomorrow," Ferretti says sweetly. He's so going to get his.
"You're probably right, Lou," Daniel says. "Jack doesn't have the time to stand here and listen to that rather lengthy list. You have a lot to do, don't you, Jack?"
"Better get to it, Colonel," Ferretti says with a wide grin.
"I don't know what you're smiling at, Major," I snap. "In case you've forgotten, I out rank you. If I want you to clean up the mud, you will."
Ferretti's smile disappears. That was fun.
"It's a small punishment after all you've done to Daniel," I continue. Well, look at this. I'm turning out to be the hero.
"You do deserve it, Ferretti," Daniel agrees.
Ferretti gives Daniel a wounded look, apparently upset at being back to 'Ferretti.' Serves him right.
"Fine," he says angrily. "But are we at least friends again?"
"We'll always be friends," I tell him gregariously.
He glares at me. "I was talking to Daniel, Colonel."
And now he's mad at me. This being in charge thing is very wearing. I don't know how Hammond does it.
"Yes, Ferretti," Daniel says. "Assuming you intend to buy me a new coffee machine, that is. I gave my old one to Ellie when you gave me what I THOUGHT was such a nice coffee maker."
Ferretti hangs his head. "Sure, Daniel. I'll get you a nice one. it won't be a Super Auto Magic Delux with built in grinder, but I'll make sure it works."
"That would be nice," Daniel says.
"Great! So we're all friends again?" I ask.
Ferretti glares at me. "Whatever you say, SIR. I'm off to the rec room, to clean up YOUR mess."
Ferretti stalks out and I turn to Daniel.
"Daniel?"
"I'll tell you what, Jack. You leave me alone for the rest of the day--and clean up your own mess, and we're fine."
"Deal."
Well, if Daniel isn't going to help, maybe I can get Teal'c to give me a hand. I really need someone to help me clean the streamers out of the pool . . .
To Be Concluded on FRIDAY
While the cat's away--the mice will play.
______________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________
THURSDAY (Jack)
Okay, so maybe things have gotten slightly out of control. Maybe I should have drawn the line at mud wrestling. But if the nurses wanted to do it, who was I to stop them?
Okay, so I should have stopped them. It just didn't seem fair to say no, though--not after I allowed SG-16 to set up the snow machine in storage room 25B.
But the General comes back tomorrow, so I've really got to start getting everything back to normal. I did cancel the basketball tournament. That was an easy enough decision. The supposedly Magnificent O'Neill's couldn't play basketball to save their lives. Damn Ferretti got to Evans first, though, so my team really never stood a chance.
Ah, Ferretti. Poor, poor, stupid Ferretti. Makepeace came to me earlier today, suggesting I might want to put the major in protective custody. Our innocent little Danny is once again out for his blood.
Apparently Ferretti's plan to restore peace blew up in his face. Or rather, in Daniel's face. Carter tells me it was not a pretty sight. Coffee went everywhere. Luckily, it wasn't hot enough to burn, but it was just annoying enough to give Daniel the same expression he got every time we encounter Apophis.
There's a new betting pool circling the base--people are trying to make estimates on Ferretti's life expectancy. So far, it doesn't look good. I figure, before I try to disband the volleyball team and dry out storage room 25B, I should try to get them to play nice. Daniel isn't usually one to hold a grudge, so it shouldn't be too hard to get him and Ferretti back on good terms.
Then I'm going to have to clean up the rest of the base. If I manage to talk Daniel out of killing Ferretti, I might even get them both to help me clean up.
Of course, it doesn't help that I was encouraging Daniel earlier. I couldn't help it though. It's always me that Daniel's mad at, it was nice being the 'good one' for once and I got slightly carried away. Not to mention, while Ferretti was in hiding, I had the base all to myself.
"Oh no," I groan. The yelling voices coming from the gym take away any hope for a quick solution.
"Where the hell did you even get the damn thing, Ferretti? Did you just find it on a street corner somewhere?"
I sneak in. They don't seem to notice me. Daniel looks pretty pissed. Can't really say I blame him. If I didn't need Ferretti's help--I'd leave him to face Daniel alone.
"Of course not!" Ferretti sounds offended. "I found it here on base. In one of the storage rooms."
Oh, he so should have kept that to himself.
"What?" Daniel said incredulously.
"It looked good as new! How was I supposed to know it was broken?"
"Did you ever wonder WHY it might be sitting forgotten in a dark storage room!" Daniel roars.
He's got you there, Lou.
"Well, you didn't actually think I'd bought it, did you? Those things are ridiculously priced."
"No, I just thought you had it and didn't want it anymore--or that you at the very least knew that it WORKED. I guess I overestimated your intelligence. Only a moron would give something they found just laying around as a gift."
Uh oh. Daniel rarely plays the genius card. This isn't good. He's not one to flaunt his intelligence.
"Hey guys," I break in. "What's going on?"
They both turn on me--Ferretti looking like the proverbial deer in the headlights and Daniel looking like the driver about to run over said deer. Purposely.
"Sir," Ferretti says.
Ah, going for the meek soldier act now, are we? You've been a smart ass from the first day we met, Ferretti, don't change now.
"Jack," Daniel snaps.
What did I do? Turn that crazed look back on the one that deserves it, buddy. I haven't done anything--this time, anyway.
"Is there a problem here?" I ask. Okay, so I've slipped into the good soldier role as well. I don't know why. It isn't like it has a calming effect on irate civilians.
"As if you don't know."
My but Daniel's been in a bad mood this week. I can't imagine why.
"Pretend that I don't," I say. I'm being condescending, I know it. I should really know better than to do that with Daniel by now. It only ever makes the problem worse. But it's just so fun.
"Okay," Daniel says with a tight smile. "YOUR friend here gave me a broken coffee machine to make up for erasing HOURS of my work--and it blew up all over my office."
"It wasn't that bad," Ferretti said defensively. "I should know. You made me clean it up."
"Maybe the reason you didn't have much trouble is because the majority of it got on ME. I still have coffee in my EARS!"
"Boys, boys," I say. This earns me a glare from both of them. I've really got to work on playing peacemaker. Being antagonistic just comes so naturally. "Why don't you just let bygones be bygones and help me get the base back in order?"
Daniel snorts at this. "Of course. And there it is. Your hidden agenda. I should have known you weren't really trying to help us sort this out."
"Now, Daniel, that's not fair," I say. "I think that cleaning the mud from the rec room would do us all some good."
"Mud?" Daniel asks.
"Oh, you mean to tell me you missed the wrestling?"
"Wrestling, Jack?"
O-kay. Daniel sounds mad again. This time at me.
"I'm not cleaning up any MUD, Jack," Daniel hisses. "I've put up with enough this week. From the both of you."
"Hey, what did I do?"
"What did you DO? Do you want a list?"
When did Daniel get so sarcastic? Must be Ferretti's influence.
"I don't think you have time to make that list, Daniel, the General will be here by tomorrow," Ferretti says sweetly. He's so going to get his.
"You're probably right, Lou," Daniel says. "Jack doesn't have the time to stand here and listen to that rather lengthy list. You have a lot to do, don't you, Jack?"
"Better get to it, Colonel," Ferretti says with a wide grin.
"I don't know what you're smiling at, Major," I snap. "In case you've forgotten, I out rank you. If I want you to clean up the mud, you will."
Ferretti's smile disappears. That was fun.
"It's a small punishment after all you've done to Daniel," I continue. Well, look at this. I'm turning out to be the hero.
"You do deserve it, Ferretti," Daniel agrees.
Ferretti gives Daniel a wounded look, apparently upset at being back to 'Ferretti.' Serves him right.
"Fine," he says angrily. "But are we at least friends again?"
"We'll always be friends," I tell him gregariously.
He glares at me. "I was talking to Daniel, Colonel."
And now he's mad at me. This being in charge thing is very wearing. I don't know how Hammond does it.
"Yes, Ferretti," Daniel says. "Assuming you intend to buy me a new coffee machine, that is. I gave my old one to Ellie when you gave me what I THOUGHT was such a nice coffee maker."
Ferretti hangs his head. "Sure, Daniel. I'll get you a nice one. it won't be a Super Auto Magic Delux with built in grinder, but I'll make sure it works."
"That would be nice," Daniel says.
"Great! So we're all friends again?" I ask.
Ferretti glares at me. "Whatever you say, SIR. I'm off to the rec room, to clean up YOUR mess."
Ferretti stalks out and I turn to Daniel.
"Daniel?"
"I'll tell you what, Jack. You leave me alone for the rest of the day--and clean up your own mess, and we're fine."
"Deal."
Well, if Daniel isn't going to help, maybe I can get Teal'c to give me a hand. I really need someone to help me clean the streamers out of the pool . . .
To Be Concluded on FRIDAY