( In a grassy field, a 40/50 year old man in cowboy outfit comes riding on a horse towards camera, smoking a cigarette.)
Man: *in gravely voice* Hello. I'm Flint Westwood. You may have seen me in such movies as "Unforgotten," "The Noble, the Immoral, and the Unattractive," and "Viaducts of Jefferson County." I'm here today to talk to you about a very important issue that is near and dear to my…uh…heart. Haven't you ever been getting ready to mount your horse and he wouldn't…stand? Well, it has happened to me…on several occasions. It is so embarrassing especially when your cowgirl is ready for a full night of hard ridin' and all you can give her is a good chew. I hate going to see the doc but when something like this happens you have to go. And dammit am I glad that I did. He gave me this new-fangled drug called Niagra. Not only could my horse stand but he was the running at full gallop before the night was over. My cowgirl couldn't even keep up and I was so saddle sore the next mornin' that…..well….you get the picture. My horse is a prancing' stallion now instead of the old docile mare it was before Niagra. So if you cowpokes out there are having trouble with your horses, then go and see your doctor and ask for Niagra. Your stud'll thank you for it. *rides off into sunset*
(Back to studio. Sephiroth is sitting in his same chair filing his nails. Acire is burning "something" on a stone altar in the background.)
Acire: *chanting* Estuanus interius ira vehementi
Estuanus interius ira vehementi
Sephiroth
Sephiroth
Sors imanius et inanis
Sors imanius et inanis
Sephiroth
Sephiroth
Veni, veni, venias, ne me mori facias.
Veni, veni, venias, ne me mori facias.
Gloriosa, generosa.
Gloriosa, generosa.
Sephiroth
Sephiroth
Sephiroth: Are you done?
Acire: *bows* Yes, Master. Your sacrifice is complete.
Seph: Then I shall have a piece that is medium-rare. And hold the A-1 if you would, Slave?
Acire: *produces a plate and utensils out of thin air and slaps a piece of meat on it & brings it to Seph* Here is your sacrifice, my lord.
Seph: *puts down file & rubs hands together* Ahh….I do love a good steak now and again. *picks up fork*
Author/Director: *still in announcer's booth off stage* WAIT!! Don't eat yet!
Seph: *drops food & gets on hands and knees* Yes, mother! I shall never touch that filthy meat again! I shall be a vegetarian for the rest of my life! I swear!
A/D: *sighs* That's not it…..we're coming back from commercial. *mutters* Sometimes I hate my job…
Acire: Fine. *sits* Maybe you can eat later, Master.
Seph: *sits* Perhaps.
A/D: We're back in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.…..action!
Announcer: Aiiiiight, Biyotches! We're holdin' it down in this piece, with my *bleep*, Acire. So put your motha'*bleep*in' hands together for The Reunion Show: Round Two!
Acire: Alright, we're back with Sephiroth, gloriosa/generosa lord of the Planet, for our next segment entitled: The Love Polygon.
Seph: "The Love"…..What?! *gets up* I am not staying here for this! I'm not getting paid enough.
Acire: Um, sir, you are part of this polygon.
Seph: What do you mean?
Acire: Well……someone has come here today to reveal that they have a secret crush on you.
Seph: Well who is it? Not that Ancient girl, I hope.
Acire: No, thank god. Just sit down and we'll get on with it.
Seph: Fine, but she better be a big breasted, blonde supermodel. *sits*
Acire: *mutters* You have the blonde part right. *normal voice* Sephiroth, do you have any idea who it might be?
Seph: ……Hmmm…*thinks* I never knew Scarlet or that Elena girl that well but it could be either one of them. But I do believe that there was this one night stand…a scientist...Mindy, I believe her name was. *laughs* She had ass for days.
Acire: Ok. Just to give you a little hint we are going to have them tell us a little about themself.
Distorted Voice: Hello, Sephiroth. Do you remember me?
Seph: No. But keep talking.
DV: Ok. I had always had a thing for you ever since I was a little kid. To me you were always perfect: beautiful green eyes, a strong, muscular body, and that long silver hair. We are also a lot alike. I hardly knew my father and lost my mother some years back so I can relate to your past. I used to work with you at Shin-Ra. There we were war buddies. After you disappeared during the Nibleheim Incident I tried to contact you. And during your quest to become a god, I was always rooting for you. Sephiroth, I love you.
Acire: Any clue now?
Seph: No. That could be anyone. Just bring her out, minion.
Acire: *sighs* Your not gonna like this…..bring out Sephiroth's crush. *runs & hides under altar*
(You guessed it! Cloud enters with a bouquet of roses.)
Cloud: Sephiroth, my darling!
Seph: *screams* YOU!! THE FAILURE!!
Cloud: *glomps Seph before he can run* Oh, my wonderful, Sephy-kins! How I had missed you so!
Seph: You bastard! Let go! You killed me!
Cloud: *nuzzling against Seph* That's in the past, and besides, that was all just for show. Those AVALANCHE guys made me do it. You know how susceptible to suggestion I am.
Seph: Well then, who told you that you were gay?
Cloud: No one. I knew that I had to have you as soon as I laid eyes on you.
Seph: Curse my infernal, yet enchanting beauty. *Rufus hair flick*
Acire: So you are bisexual?
Cloud: Yep. Except for when I'm drunk. Then I'm just completely gay.
Acire & Seph: *sweatdrop*
Acire: Does Tifa know?
Cloud: No. That is what I have come to admit to her today as well as a few other sexual skeletons in the cupboard.
Acire: Let's get on with it. Welcome Tifa Lockheart to the show!
(Tifa walks in & sits next to Cloud.)
Tifa: Oh , Cloud you shouldn't have. Flowers for me?
Cloud: Uh…..
Seph: No! They are for me! *snatches flowers from Cloud* They offset my eyes. *sniffs them*
Tifa: What's this piece of *bleep* doing here?
Seph: I am here because Cloud is in love with me.
Tifa: Cloud!!?
Cloud: *laughs nervously* Sephy-sama, you could have let me break it to her.
Tifa: Cloud, tell me its not true!
Seph: Its true. Your man loves men!
Tifa: *shakes fists & Barret wail* NOOOOOOOO!!
Seph: Ha ha ha! Those big *bleep*s may be able to get the men, but they can't keep them around!
Tifa: *turns to Cloud* Well, you want the best of both worlds? Fine. I've got a secret for you! They're not real!! *flashes camera* *censored sign covers her*
Cloud: Oh my god! I put my mouth on those!! *gagging*
Seph: Put those away. You are going to put someone's eyes out!
Acire: Good god! Do they put the silicone in weather balloons?
A/D: Quit it! Put those things away!
Tifa: *covers back up* Cloud, that's the last time you'll ever see those.
Cloud: I'll miss them but I'll move on. *hugs Seph*
Seph: *pushes Cloud off* Get off, you little--
Acire: Master, remember. No gay bashing.
Seph: Well, then can I kill him?
Acire: I guess. Just so long as it is not because he is gay.
Cloud: I'm NOT GAY!!
Seph: *draws Masamune* Oh, I have plenty of reasons. *evil smile*
A/D: I said, no killing! Do you want me to come out there?
Acire: *shakes head* No! I'll handle it! You just stay there. Master, please do not kill Cloud. I don't want to get in trouble today.
Seph: Fine. *resheathes sword* And next time don't be so weak.
Acire: Yes, Master. *comes back & sits*
Cloud: Sephiroth, dear, are you angry at me?
Seph: Angry doesn't even begin to cover it…..
Acire: Moving on, let's bring in our next guest, Boco.
Cloud: *put head in hands* Oh no.
(A yellow chocobo walks on stage and stands behind Cloud.)
Boco: Wark! [Hello, Acire!]
Acire: Hi, Boco. What secret have you come to reveal today?
Boco: Waaarrk…. [Well you see….]
Seph: Wait a damned minute! Are you saying that this beast can talk?
Boco: Warkk!? [Beast!?] *pecks Seph*
Seph: If I could kill, you'd be dead, Baka!
Boco: Waarrkk. [Whatever, asshole.] Warrk….waarkkk! [Like I was saying, I just am here to say that I have been violated, by none other than this horny bastard, Cloud Rayne Strife!]
Tifa: What?! You *bleep*ed a chocobo!?
Cloud: *scratches head* Ummm….yeah.
Seph: This guy are sick.
Tifa: You are sick! I HATE YOU!!
Acire: All I want to know is how?
Seph: *covers ears* Please spare my beautiful, virgin ears.
Cloud: I just couldn't help it. *looks away ashamed* It took me a long time to get from Nibleheim to Midgar and I got lonely.
Tifa: What about Zack, hmm…? He probably didn't do anything like that.
Acire: Let's ask him. Zack, come on out!
(Zack enters and sits beside Cloud.)
Zack: On second thought. *pulls chair several feet from Cloud*
Cloud: *pouts* Why'd you do that?
Zack: You know why, you horny bitch!
A/D: The censor guy missed one!
(Confetti falls from ceiling & fanfare plays)
Acire: He must be out to lunch.
Cloud: I thought you liked it.
Tifa: You slept with Zack?!
Cloud: Well, I got lonely at Shin-Ra.
Tifa: And to think that I was going to save myself for you.
Acire: Let them talk. I can see your used sticker from here.
Zack: Don't get upset, Tifa. Cloud will sleep with anything that comes his way albeit, male, female, or anything else.
Boco: Waaaarrk! [Damn straight!]
Cloud: Well……*points at Seph* He made me do it!
Seph: Ha ha ha! I couldn't do that to your libido if I had wanted to. Poor Clod. He can't even control his dick!
Cloud: Shut up, Sephiroth!
A/D: That's two he missed. He must be slacking.
(Confetti falls from ceiling & fanfare plays again)
Acire: I'm sorry but there's one more sexual secret Cloud has to tell and this one involves--
Zack: No! Not my sweet little Aeris! Cloud, if you have hurt her in any way so help me, I'll….
Cloud: *cowers* She told me she liked it!!
Zack: Huh?
Acire: Welcome that prissy little Ancient bitch……..missed that one too…..Aeris Gainsborough. You'd better not clap.
Tifa: I second that. *cracks knuckles*
(Aeris enters and sits between Zack and Cloud.)
Aeris: Hi, everybody. *takes Zack's hand* Zack, honey?
Zack: You slept with Cloud, didn't you?
Aeris: Yes, but that is over now.
Zack: Thank god.
Aeris: But there is this one thing that I would like to try when we get back home….*leans in to whisper*
Zack: What?!
Cloud: *sits back up* She's into S&M.
Zack: Not only did you take my life and girlfriend but you corrupted her!! *draws Buster Sword*
Cloud: *dives into Seph's lap* Protect me!
Seph: Get off!! *shoves Cloud in the floor*
Cloud: *lands in front of steak dropped from earlier* Oooooo, food! *begins stuffing face full of food*
Zack: *raises sword* Die, sicko!
Aeris: Noooo! *Aeris jumps in front of Zack*
(Zack stabs Aeris.)
Announcer: You killed Aeris!!
Boco: Wwaarrkk! [You bastard!] (By the way, I know that that joke is overused. But I had to. ^_^)
Tifa: *dances* *singing* Ding dong! The bitch is dead!
Zack: Oh no! My baby! *kneels clutching her corpse* She was so innocent.
Cloud: *snickers* *with mouth full* Imopfent, mur arse! [Innocent, my ass!]
Boco: Wwark! [Dumbass!] *pecks Cloud*
Zack: Cloud, I hope you get ass-raped by a cactuar! *leaves & carries Aeris's dead body offstage*
Acire: Damn, that's cold.
Cloud: Damn….that's…..interesting. *puts pinky to lips* I'd pay one million gil!
Tifa: On that note….*edging away from Cloud* I'm out of here, before he tries to ass-rape me. *leaves*
Seph: *shakes head and sighs* Is this over yet?
Acire: No. One more secret. Cloud, you have a secret admirer.
Seph: I hope it's a bisexual, chocobo humping, S&M loving, cross-dressing freak.
Cloud: *sighs* A man can only hope.
All: *sweatdrop*
Cloud: *sings* I'm a sweet transvestite…
All: *multiple sweatdrop*
Acire: Do we have the admirer's audio?
A/D: Um… I don't think that we can play it.
Acire: Why not?
A/D: Don't ask. She said exactly what kind of naughty things she'd do with materia. I'm NOT airing that!
Acire: I'm just going to bring her out. Come out, secret admirer!
(Yuffie comes out holding an odd-shaped materia & sits next to Cloud.)
Yuffie: *glomps Cloud* Hey, sexy.
Seph: *gags* You are going to make me sick!
Cloud: Hi, Yuffie. I thought you weren't interested in me.
Yuffie: I stole from you, didn't I? I joined up with your party, didn't I? I trusted you and I followed you to the pits of hell, didn't I?
Seph: I resent that remark. The northern cave was a fixer-upper when I bought it.
Cloud: You trusted me? Wow……that's cool. Wanna go have sex?
Yuffie: Sure. At least it is better than that fat-assed Don Corneo.
All: *sweatdrop*
Cloud: It is a shame that he wasn't alive for a threesome…..
All, but Cloud: *megasweatdrop*
Acire: May I ask what kind of materia is that?
Yuffie: It's the horny materia…..*kisses Cloud* Gets them every time.
Acire: *glares* Get the hell out.
Cloud: Boco, wanna join us?
Boco: Wwarrkkkk! [Bite me, you prick!]
Cloud: I will if you want.
Boco: Wark…. [I hate you….]
Cloud: Oh, well your loss.
All, but Seph & Acire: *leave*
Acire: Master will eat and I will go and try to not think of Cloud and that chocobo. You puppets must watch more commercials and we'll be back with our third and final segment. Thank Jenova.
Author's note: If I offended you, I am sorry. This is meant as a joke and if you cannot take it as such then I am truly sorry. After all, I cannot control these characters. And I assure you, they do not express how I feel towards real people. I am open-minded and some people aren't and I portray them here. So don't flame me unless this story sucks.
Man: *in gravely voice* Hello. I'm Flint Westwood. You may have seen me in such movies as "Unforgotten," "The Noble, the Immoral, and the Unattractive," and "Viaducts of Jefferson County." I'm here today to talk to you about a very important issue that is near and dear to my…uh…heart. Haven't you ever been getting ready to mount your horse and he wouldn't…stand? Well, it has happened to me…on several occasions. It is so embarrassing especially when your cowgirl is ready for a full night of hard ridin' and all you can give her is a good chew. I hate going to see the doc but when something like this happens you have to go. And dammit am I glad that I did. He gave me this new-fangled drug called Niagra. Not only could my horse stand but he was the running at full gallop before the night was over. My cowgirl couldn't even keep up and I was so saddle sore the next mornin' that…..well….you get the picture. My horse is a prancing' stallion now instead of the old docile mare it was before Niagra. So if you cowpokes out there are having trouble with your horses, then go and see your doctor and ask for Niagra. Your stud'll thank you for it. *rides off into sunset*
(Back to studio. Sephiroth is sitting in his same chair filing his nails. Acire is burning "something" on a stone altar in the background.)
Acire: *chanting* Estuanus interius ira vehementi
Estuanus interius ira vehementi
Sephiroth
Sephiroth
Sors imanius et inanis
Sors imanius et inanis
Sephiroth
Sephiroth
Veni, veni, venias, ne me mori facias.
Veni, veni, venias, ne me mori facias.
Gloriosa, generosa.
Gloriosa, generosa.
Sephiroth
Sephiroth
Sephiroth: Are you done?
Acire: *bows* Yes, Master. Your sacrifice is complete.
Seph: Then I shall have a piece that is medium-rare. And hold the A-1 if you would, Slave?
Acire: *produces a plate and utensils out of thin air and slaps a piece of meat on it & brings it to Seph* Here is your sacrifice, my lord.
Seph: *puts down file & rubs hands together* Ahh….I do love a good steak now and again. *picks up fork*
Author/Director: *still in announcer's booth off stage* WAIT!! Don't eat yet!
Seph: *drops food & gets on hands and knees* Yes, mother! I shall never touch that filthy meat again! I shall be a vegetarian for the rest of my life! I swear!
A/D: *sighs* That's not it…..we're coming back from commercial. *mutters* Sometimes I hate my job…
Acire: Fine. *sits* Maybe you can eat later, Master.
Seph: *sits* Perhaps.
A/D: We're back in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.…..action!
Announcer: Aiiiiight, Biyotches! We're holdin' it down in this piece, with my *bleep*, Acire. So put your motha'*bleep*in' hands together for The Reunion Show: Round Two!
Acire: Alright, we're back with Sephiroth, gloriosa/generosa lord of the Planet, for our next segment entitled: The Love Polygon.
Seph: "The Love"…..What?! *gets up* I am not staying here for this! I'm not getting paid enough.
Acire: Um, sir, you are part of this polygon.
Seph: What do you mean?
Acire: Well……someone has come here today to reveal that they have a secret crush on you.
Seph: Well who is it? Not that Ancient girl, I hope.
Acire: No, thank god. Just sit down and we'll get on with it.
Seph: Fine, but she better be a big breasted, blonde supermodel. *sits*
Acire: *mutters* You have the blonde part right. *normal voice* Sephiroth, do you have any idea who it might be?
Seph: ……Hmmm…*thinks* I never knew Scarlet or that Elena girl that well but it could be either one of them. But I do believe that there was this one night stand…a scientist...Mindy, I believe her name was. *laughs* She had ass for days.
Acire: Ok. Just to give you a little hint we are going to have them tell us a little about themself.
Distorted Voice: Hello, Sephiroth. Do you remember me?
Seph: No. But keep talking.
DV: Ok. I had always had a thing for you ever since I was a little kid. To me you were always perfect: beautiful green eyes, a strong, muscular body, and that long silver hair. We are also a lot alike. I hardly knew my father and lost my mother some years back so I can relate to your past. I used to work with you at Shin-Ra. There we were war buddies. After you disappeared during the Nibleheim Incident I tried to contact you. And during your quest to become a god, I was always rooting for you. Sephiroth, I love you.
Acire: Any clue now?
Seph: No. That could be anyone. Just bring her out, minion.
Acire: *sighs* Your not gonna like this…..bring out Sephiroth's crush. *runs & hides under altar*
(You guessed it! Cloud enters with a bouquet of roses.)
Cloud: Sephiroth, my darling!
Seph: *screams* YOU!! THE FAILURE!!
Cloud: *glomps Seph before he can run* Oh, my wonderful, Sephy-kins! How I had missed you so!
Seph: You bastard! Let go! You killed me!
Cloud: *nuzzling against Seph* That's in the past, and besides, that was all just for show. Those AVALANCHE guys made me do it. You know how susceptible to suggestion I am.
Seph: Well then, who told you that you were gay?
Cloud: No one. I knew that I had to have you as soon as I laid eyes on you.
Seph: Curse my infernal, yet enchanting beauty. *Rufus hair flick*
Acire: So you are bisexual?
Cloud: Yep. Except for when I'm drunk. Then I'm just completely gay.
Acire & Seph: *sweatdrop*
Acire: Does Tifa know?
Cloud: No. That is what I have come to admit to her today as well as a few other sexual skeletons in the cupboard.
Acire: Let's get on with it. Welcome Tifa Lockheart to the show!
(Tifa walks in & sits next to Cloud.)
Tifa: Oh , Cloud you shouldn't have. Flowers for me?
Cloud: Uh…..
Seph: No! They are for me! *snatches flowers from Cloud* They offset my eyes. *sniffs them*
Tifa: What's this piece of *bleep* doing here?
Seph: I am here because Cloud is in love with me.
Tifa: Cloud!!?
Cloud: *laughs nervously* Sephy-sama, you could have let me break it to her.
Tifa: Cloud, tell me its not true!
Seph: Its true. Your man loves men!
Tifa: *shakes fists & Barret wail* NOOOOOOOO!!
Seph: Ha ha ha! Those big *bleep*s may be able to get the men, but they can't keep them around!
Tifa: *turns to Cloud* Well, you want the best of both worlds? Fine. I've got a secret for you! They're not real!! *flashes camera* *censored sign covers her*
Cloud: Oh my god! I put my mouth on those!! *gagging*
Seph: Put those away. You are going to put someone's eyes out!
Acire: Good god! Do they put the silicone in weather balloons?
A/D: Quit it! Put those things away!
Tifa: *covers back up* Cloud, that's the last time you'll ever see those.
Cloud: I'll miss them but I'll move on. *hugs Seph*
Seph: *pushes Cloud off* Get off, you little--
Acire: Master, remember. No gay bashing.
Seph: Well, then can I kill him?
Acire: I guess. Just so long as it is not because he is gay.
Cloud: I'm NOT GAY!!
Seph: *draws Masamune* Oh, I have plenty of reasons. *evil smile*
A/D: I said, no killing! Do you want me to come out there?
Acire: *shakes head* No! I'll handle it! You just stay there. Master, please do not kill Cloud. I don't want to get in trouble today.
Seph: Fine. *resheathes sword* And next time don't be so weak.
Acire: Yes, Master. *comes back & sits*
Cloud: Sephiroth, dear, are you angry at me?
Seph: Angry doesn't even begin to cover it…..
Acire: Moving on, let's bring in our next guest, Boco.
Cloud: *put head in hands* Oh no.
(A yellow chocobo walks on stage and stands behind Cloud.)
Boco: Wark! [Hello, Acire!]
Acire: Hi, Boco. What secret have you come to reveal today?
Boco: Waaarrk…. [Well you see….]
Seph: Wait a damned minute! Are you saying that this beast can talk?
Boco: Warkk!? [Beast!?] *pecks Seph*
Seph: If I could kill, you'd be dead, Baka!
Boco: Waarrkk. [Whatever, asshole.] Warrk….waarkkk! [Like I was saying, I just am here to say that I have been violated, by none other than this horny bastard, Cloud Rayne Strife!]
Tifa: What?! You *bleep*ed a chocobo!?
Cloud: *scratches head* Ummm….yeah.
Seph: This guy are sick.
Tifa: You are sick! I HATE YOU!!
Acire: All I want to know is how?
Seph: *covers ears* Please spare my beautiful, virgin ears.
Cloud: I just couldn't help it. *looks away ashamed* It took me a long time to get from Nibleheim to Midgar and I got lonely.
Tifa: What about Zack, hmm…? He probably didn't do anything like that.
Acire: Let's ask him. Zack, come on out!
(Zack enters and sits beside Cloud.)
Zack: On second thought. *pulls chair several feet from Cloud*
Cloud: *pouts* Why'd you do that?
Zack: You know why, you horny bitch!
A/D: The censor guy missed one!
(Confetti falls from ceiling & fanfare plays)
Acire: He must be out to lunch.
Cloud: I thought you liked it.
Tifa: You slept with Zack?!
Cloud: Well, I got lonely at Shin-Ra.
Tifa: And to think that I was going to save myself for you.
Acire: Let them talk. I can see your used sticker from here.
Zack: Don't get upset, Tifa. Cloud will sleep with anything that comes his way albeit, male, female, or anything else.
Boco: Waaaarrk! [Damn straight!]
Cloud: Well……*points at Seph* He made me do it!
Seph: Ha ha ha! I couldn't do that to your libido if I had wanted to. Poor Clod. He can't even control his dick!
Cloud: Shut up, Sephiroth!
A/D: That's two he missed. He must be slacking.
(Confetti falls from ceiling & fanfare plays again)
Acire: I'm sorry but there's one more sexual secret Cloud has to tell and this one involves--
Zack: No! Not my sweet little Aeris! Cloud, if you have hurt her in any way so help me, I'll….
Cloud: *cowers* She told me she liked it!!
Zack: Huh?
Acire: Welcome that prissy little Ancient bitch……..missed that one too…..Aeris Gainsborough. You'd better not clap.
Tifa: I second that. *cracks knuckles*
(Aeris enters and sits between Zack and Cloud.)
Aeris: Hi, everybody. *takes Zack's hand* Zack, honey?
Zack: You slept with Cloud, didn't you?
Aeris: Yes, but that is over now.
Zack: Thank god.
Aeris: But there is this one thing that I would like to try when we get back home….*leans in to whisper*
Zack: What?!
Cloud: *sits back up* She's into S&M.
Zack: Not only did you take my life and girlfriend but you corrupted her!! *draws Buster Sword*
Cloud: *dives into Seph's lap* Protect me!
Seph: Get off!! *shoves Cloud in the floor*
Cloud: *lands in front of steak dropped from earlier* Oooooo, food! *begins stuffing face full of food*
Zack: *raises sword* Die, sicko!
Aeris: Noooo! *Aeris jumps in front of Zack*
(Zack stabs Aeris.)
Announcer: You killed Aeris!!
Boco: Wwaarrkk! [You bastard!] (By the way, I know that that joke is overused. But I had to. ^_^)
Tifa: *dances* *singing* Ding dong! The bitch is dead!
Zack: Oh no! My baby! *kneels clutching her corpse* She was so innocent.
Cloud: *snickers* *with mouth full* Imopfent, mur arse! [Innocent, my ass!]
Boco: Wwark! [Dumbass!] *pecks Cloud*
Zack: Cloud, I hope you get ass-raped by a cactuar! *leaves & carries Aeris's dead body offstage*
Acire: Damn, that's cold.
Cloud: Damn….that's…..interesting. *puts pinky to lips* I'd pay one million gil!
Tifa: On that note….*edging away from Cloud* I'm out of here, before he tries to ass-rape me. *leaves*
Seph: *shakes head and sighs* Is this over yet?
Acire: No. One more secret. Cloud, you have a secret admirer.
Seph: I hope it's a bisexual, chocobo humping, S&M loving, cross-dressing freak.
Cloud: *sighs* A man can only hope.
All: *sweatdrop*
Cloud: *sings* I'm a sweet transvestite…
All: *multiple sweatdrop*
Acire: Do we have the admirer's audio?
A/D: Um… I don't think that we can play it.
Acire: Why not?
A/D: Don't ask. She said exactly what kind of naughty things she'd do with materia. I'm NOT airing that!
Acire: I'm just going to bring her out. Come out, secret admirer!
(Yuffie comes out holding an odd-shaped materia & sits next to Cloud.)
Yuffie: *glomps Cloud* Hey, sexy.
Seph: *gags* You are going to make me sick!
Cloud: Hi, Yuffie. I thought you weren't interested in me.
Yuffie: I stole from you, didn't I? I joined up with your party, didn't I? I trusted you and I followed you to the pits of hell, didn't I?
Seph: I resent that remark. The northern cave was a fixer-upper when I bought it.
Cloud: You trusted me? Wow……that's cool. Wanna go have sex?
Yuffie: Sure. At least it is better than that fat-assed Don Corneo.
All: *sweatdrop*
Cloud: It is a shame that he wasn't alive for a threesome…..
All, but Cloud: *megasweatdrop*
Acire: May I ask what kind of materia is that?
Yuffie: It's the horny materia…..*kisses Cloud* Gets them every time.
Acire: *glares* Get the hell out.
Cloud: Boco, wanna join us?
Boco: Wwarrkkkk! [Bite me, you prick!]
Cloud: I will if you want.
Boco: Wark…. [I hate you….]
Cloud: Oh, well your loss.
All, but Seph & Acire: *leave*
Acire: Master will eat and I will go and try to not think of Cloud and that chocobo. You puppets must watch more commercials and we'll be back with our third and final segment. Thank Jenova.
Author's note: If I offended you, I am sorry. This is meant as a joke and if you cannot take it as such then I am truly sorry. After all, I cannot control these characters. And I assure you, they do not express how I feel towards real people. I am open-minded and some people aren't and I portray them here. So don't flame me unless this story sucks.