Host: "Now will have to take a break and go to commercials but don't change
the freaking
channel or else a horrible curse will fall upon you: you will be turned into a one legged frog!! Muah-ha-ha-ha-ha (clears his throat) Will be back to give the correct answer to the quiz and to show you how's a typical day in the lives of this people."
(commercial)
Host (not aware that he's on the air) : "No, no, I want the Pink Panther slippers, size 11, no, not Scooby-Doo. What you mean they sold out??"
Director: "Jimmy, we're on the air"
Host (nervous): "Oh, my…my daughter wants the-the slippers, she-she has humongous feet. Aaaanyway here is the correct answer. The true statement was number three. Although nobody has told Grissom, Mr. Kowalski is going to be released on parole next month. He's still interested and I quote: 'in sweet Gilly'.
Ooook kids, we have two winners, Lugia321 and Silver Epiphany (yet again, what do you have girl/boy, a crystal ball?) That doesn't represent a problem unless you both want the same prize although if that is the case I'm sure we will find a civilized way of solving the problem. This is what this show proposes: you will choose one of these deadly weapons,
Chainsaw
Butcher knife and axe
Squirt gun loaded with hotter-that-hell oil
A trained-to-kill rooster
A can of toxic print powder (comes in different colors)
A see-through nightgown
A Bow and a dozen arrows
Host: "…And you will fight to death. The winner takes take both prizes: a tour around the morgue given by Dr. Robbins who's talent for comedy will make you wanna drop dead or a desiccated alpine possum from the Alps (part of Grissom's dead animals collection and an excellent birthday present).
If you ever wondered what happens in the life of these people during a normal day of work, well wonder no more 'cos here is what happens. Remember that they're normal people, they do things the same way you do. They sneeze, they laugh, they participate in roach racing the same way you do, they throw up at the smell of a liquid corpse, they electrocute pickles the same way you do, they're normal people."
(cut to…)
THE SHIFT BEGINS…
Grissom (cup of coffee in hand with the inscription: 'Toss me on a bed&make me yours'): "Ok here are the assignments…"
[Just behind him, pass the glass wall of the break room a bunch of guys in lab coats are towing a karaoke machine used in a murder (use your imagination). Out of nowhere 'Bobo' (the 8th world wonder otherwise know as the self healing dummy) whooshes by like a rocket, flies all across the hallway and smashes against Eckile who looks very cranky. One second he is walking, kissing the floor the next]
Catherine (sitting on the couch drinking a cup of Greg's coffee, her back to the hallway): "Got anything interesting? This night has been---"
Warrick (putting the last toothpick in a toothpick replica of the Titanic): "SLOWWWW."
[Behind the glass wall Ecklie is arguing with two men in lab coats, the ones responsible for turning 'Bobo' into a dummy/rocket. Ecklie is visibly upset, you can see that he's screaming while the two scared technicians try to explain that the experiment was part of a case. Warrick, Catherine Sara and Nick seem oblivious to the chaos outside. Ecklie punches the lab technician on the nose. In response the lab technician throws himself over Ecklie like a rabid raccoon. The other one stares in awe for a second, then decides to join, he too acts like a small rabid mammal. Ecklie gets a hold of one of the tech's neck and starts to strangle him in the best Bart&Homer way]
Grissom (his back still to the hallway): "Cath, 419 in a phone booth, work with Nick."
[The other technician bites Eckile's leg, he screams and stops strangling the other guy. All the while Sara yawns, makes paper planes and throws them into the air and Catherine seems to be doing her taxes]
Grissom: "Warrick and Sara you go with me, murder-suicide in a hotel."
Sara (sounding exited as always): "Swell!"
Nick: "Great."
[Two guys that were waiting to be interrogated pitch in the fight. Out of nowhere Brass appears and starts to scream and gesture like a lunatic, nobody pays any attention to him. Brass tries to stop the fight but his jaw gets in the way of a right hook and he flies backwards. A bit wobbly by the punch Brass decides to stop the fight by firing a warning shot to the ceiling. Everyone freezes inches away from someone else's face. Brass smiles groggily and a piece of ceiling falls on his head. The fighters scatter, leaving the hallway empty]
Nick (coming out of the break room): "You said it man, sloooow night. Hi Brass!"
LATER…
Host: "Ok, by now they already have a suspect and they had, on average, two cups of coffee per CSI. I decided that it would be interesting for the audience to watch parts of various interrogations."
[Grissom, Sara and Brass are interrogating a witness. They've been interrogating him for 30 minutes but the guy isn't cooperating. Let's say his antenna doesn't pick up all the channels, he's crazy, a tiny-toon with the IQ of a retarded snail]
Insane witness: "Ok, here's a joke I think you might find brilliant. Plus, it fits the occasion."
Grissom (showing the first signs of frustration): "Sir, we don't want to hear any jo---"
Insane witness: "How do you call a person who puts poison in other people's corn flakes?"
[Sara doesn't hesitate]
Sara(rolling her eyes): "A cereal killer… *Duh*."
[The suspect blinks a couple of times and doesn't say a word. Sarah smiles, Brass giggles. You can almost see smoke coming out of Grissom's ears and the question "did that just happen or I'm going nuts?" is written all over his face]
Insane witness: "If you knew the answer lady why did you have to spoil the fun for the rest?"
Host: "Cute, very cute. Here's my favorite suspect, it turned out to be a vicious murderer, but hey, the guy had a sense of humor, he reminds me of my Uncle Irvin."
[The camera shows Grissom, Sara, Catherine and Nick sitting at one side of the interrogation table, Brass is leaning against a wall and the suspect is, well, poking his nose or trying to extract a sample of his brain with his finger. Point is, it's disgusting]
Catherine(disgusted and about to puke): "We can see you Sr."
Suspect(seemingly surprised): "You mean I'm not invisible??"
[Sara and Nick exchange glances, the suspect stops poking his nose and stares at his hand. Yep, he realizes that he's invisible cream does not work. Bummer]
Grissom(sounding very business like): "What were you doing at 3.00 am last night?"
Suspect(leaning forward): "I tell you what, pal. I will tell you what I was doing at 3:00am if they (pointing at Sara and Catherine) dance in a cage in their underwear while I pour tequila over their bodies."
[Grissom, Nick and Brass look at Sara and Catherine, they appear to be waiting for the women's decision]
Catherine: "Judge Jennings and my lawyer said I couldn't do that again in the state of Nevada so, no."
Sara(realizing that the males in the room where waiting for her answer): "Forget it, I'm not dancing in a cage (the males don't take their eyes off of her) NO, I'm not doing it, I'm not drunk and it's not anyone's birthday."
Suspect: "I could fix the 'drunk part'."
Grissom (looking back at the suspect): "As tempting as your offer might be that is against the standard procedure for an interrogation. It would be immoral to do so, sir."
Brass: "And besides, all we have here is beer."
Host: "The following interrogatory proves that 'body language' can be far more persuading than words although they too are important to the success of an interrogation. This method aims for a quick and immediate bonding with the suspect that will allow the interrogator to extract the information out of him/her in a very SUBTLE way. Though you have never seen ol' Jimbo Brass use this 'scientifically' proven method he is very fond of it."
[Brass is smacking the suspect's head against the interrogating table]
Host(narrates while Brass keeps smacking the guy's head against the table as if it was a basketball) : "This is the quick bonding part I was talking about before."
Brass: "CONFESS! CONFESS YOU MANIAC!"
Host: "Brass certainly has a way with words."
A FEW HOURS LATER…
Host: "Most of the times a CSI has to go back to a crime scene to see if he or she has overlooked something that may be crucial to the case. Going back in the night, when it's dark and creepy is not something a CSI would enjoy but it's part of their job.
In this tape we'll show how Nick handles this particular situation. This footage was obtained thanks to the greedy personality of a police officer that agreed to put cameras in the crime scene. We will NOT mention the word B-R-I-B-E because that's not what the police officer accepted from us."
[The camera shows Nick tiptoeing around the bedroom of the victim. With his flashlight in hand he rummages through the victim's drawers. Suddenly, he hears something moving inside the closet. He turns around slowly. Nervously he snatches a lamp from the decease's nightstand. He frowns. Quietly leaves the lamp where he found it and draws out his gun]
Host: "Good thinking, Nicky. A gun can inflict more damage than a lamp (although this is not true in most Asian karate movies where a spatula or bottle opener can be turned into a deadly weapon)"
[Nick remembers last time how that nosy reporter had scared he crap out of him so he calms down and looks more confident]
Nick(holstering his gun): "Ok, I know there's a journalist in there…I'm gonna turn around now (he turns around, his back to the closet)"
[A confused man dressed in black clothes and wearing a rubber mask of Julia Robert's face leaps out of the closet, *huge* knife in hand]
Nick: "I'm gonna let you walk away without arresting you for trespassing, ok? But I warn you, the next time I find you here I'll arrest you."
[The murderer shrugs and walks away of the room with a key piece of evidence]
Nick(turning around, facing the closet): "Journalists."
Host: "No comments. And now it's time for…not another quiz. Yes, we don't like to be repetitive. Did you understand? *We* don't like to be repetitive. This time I will give you tips, yeah, tips, T-I-P-S. Tips on what you might be wondering? Well, if you ever have the opportunity of dating a nightshift CSI you should know that is not easy. They're wild creatures of the night, they're hard to catch and once you have one, they're hard to keep seated in once place, specially if that place is in front of a dinner table."
Director: "Jimmy get to the point, we're on a schedule."
Host :"Don't rush me, I'm inspired…"
Director: "Get to the point or else I'll tell your wife about---"
Host(suddenly nervous): "OK, here are the TIPS…"
TIPS ON HOW TO DATE A WORKAHOLIC NIGHTSHIFT CSI.
TIP#1: If you had succeeded in capturing the attention of a CSI and you whish to ask him/her on a date take this advice: upon arriving to the restaurant/bar/dinner where the date will take place tackle the CSI and immobilize him/her on the ground. Now, before anyone calls the authorities, remove his/her beeper and cell phone. These items can otherwise put an early end to your date because serial killers and psychos only take a small vacation on Labor's Day (everyone knows that).
Foot note: In some extreme cases a CSI may carry an extra beeper strapped to his/her ankle. A searching process is recommended. You can say something like this: "Now, face the walls and spread your legs, honey."
TIP#2: I know you want to be polite but remember that your date handles corpses, sees guts, torn limbs and stinky gooey stuff on a daily bases so the last thing you wanna do is ask: "how was your day?" or something similar. For instance, here's a good example of what you shouldn't do:
[The camera shows a pretty nice guy having dinner in a fancy restaurant with Sara. The waiter arrives with their orders and then walks away, leaving the two love birds alone]
Host: "This is what you will ask if you're a moron…"
Cute guy (taking the first bite of his roast beef): "So, tell me about your job, what did you do today?"
Sara: "Well, this morning we found a dead guy frozen inside a mini-fridge. It seems the killer had to cut him in small pieces because otherwise he wouldn't fit inside the fridge but he wasn't very clean because he didn't take some of the food out of the fridge you know so the dead guy smelled like a cheese and mayo Popsicle. And here's the funny part, he stuffed the guy's liver inside a cookie jar and it was all bloody and the maggots were having a field day…"
Cute guy (looking somewhat greenish): "Re-really?"
TIP#3: This would have to be performed the exact moment your correspondent meals arrive to your table. Search thoroughly the contents of your dish before you actually start to eat, examine your glass and check for any foreign objects or body parts such as fingers, tongues or any small human appendix.
Host: "If you follow this tips you date with a CSI will succeed unless, of course, a madman enters the restaurant or diner and takes you and your CSI date hostages. It happened to me once."
TBC…
***
k, I know this chapter sucked. I'll try to make the next one funnier, ok?
channel or else a horrible curse will fall upon you: you will be turned into a one legged frog!! Muah-ha-ha-ha-ha (clears his throat) Will be back to give the correct answer to the quiz and to show you how's a typical day in the lives of this people."
(commercial)
Host (not aware that he's on the air) : "No, no, I want the Pink Panther slippers, size 11, no, not Scooby-Doo. What you mean they sold out??"
Director: "Jimmy, we're on the air"
Host (nervous): "Oh, my…my daughter wants the-the slippers, she-she has humongous feet. Aaaanyway here is the correct answer. The true statement was number three. Although nobody has told Grissom, Mr. Kowalski is going to be released on parole next month. He's still interested and I quote: 'in sweet Gilly'.
Ooook kids, we have two winners, Lugia321 and Silver Epiphany (yet again, what do you have girl/boy, a crystal ball?) That doesn't represent a problem unless you both want the same prize although if that is the case I'm sure we will find a civilized way of solving the problem. This is what this show proposes: you will choose one of these deadly weapons,
Chainsaw
Butcher knife and axe
Squirt gun loaded with hotter-that-hell oil
A trained-to-kill rooster
A can of toxic print powder (comes in different colors)
A see-through nightgown
A Bow and a dozen arrows
Host: "…And you will fight to death. The winner takes take both prizes: a tour around the morgue given by Dr. Robbins who's talent for comedy will make you wanna drop dead or a desiccated alpine possum from the Alps (part of Grissom's dead animals collection and an excellent birthday present).
If you ever wondered what happens in the life of these people during a normal day of work, well wonder no more 'cos here is what happens. Remember that they're normal people, they do things the same way you do. They sneeze, they laugh, they participate in roach racing the same way you do, they throw up at the smell of a liquid corpse, they electrocute pickles the same way you do, they're normal people."
(cut to…)
THE SHIFT BEGINS…
Grissom (cup of coffee in hand with the inscription: 'Toss me on a bed&make me yours'): "Ok here are the assignments…"
[Just behind him, pass the glass wall of the break room a bunch of guys in lab coats are towing a karaoke machine used in a murder (use your imagination). Out of nowhere 'Bobo' (the 8th world wonder otherwise know as the self healing dummy) whooshes by like a rocket, flies all across the hallway and smashes against Eckile who looks very cranky. One second he is walking, kissing the floor the next]
Catherine (sitting on the couch drinking a cup of Greg's coffee, her back to the hallway): "Got anything interesting? This night has been---"
Warrick (putting the last toothpick in a toothpick replica of the Titanic): "SLOWWWW."
[Behind the glass wall Ecklie is arguing with two men in lab coats, the ones responsible for turning 'Bobo' into a dummy/rocket. Ecklie is visibly upset, you can see that he's screaming while the two scared technicians try to explain that the experiment was part of a case. Warrick, Catherine Sara and Nick seem oblivious to the chaos outside. Ecklie punches the lab technician on the nose. In response the lab technician throws himself over Ecklie like a rabid raccoon. The other one stares in awe for a second, then decides to join, he too acts like a small rabid mammal. Ecklie gets a hold of one of the tech's neck and starts to strangle him in the best Bart&Homer way]
Grissom (his back still to the hallway): "Cath, 419 in a phone booth, work with Nick."
[The other technician bites Eckile's leg, he screams and stops strangling the other guy. All the while Sara yawns, makes paper planes and throws them into the air and Catherine seems to be doing her taxes]
Grissom: "Warrick and Sara you go with me, murder-suicide in a hotel."
Sara (sounding exited as always): "Swell!"
Nick: "Great."
[Two guys that were waiting to be interrogated pitch in the fight. Out of nowhere Brass appears and starts to scream and gesture like a lunatic, nobody pays any attention to him. Brass tries to stop the fight but his jaw gets in the way of a right hook and he flies backwards. A bit wobbly by the punch Brass decides to stop the fight by firing a warning shot to the ceiling. Everyone freezes inches away from someone else's face. Brass smiles groggily and a piece of ceiling falls on his head. The fighters scatter, leaving the hallway empty]
Nick (coming out of the break room): "You said it man, sloooow night. Hi Brass!"
LATER…
Host: "Ok, by now they already have a suspect and they had, on average, two cups of coffee per CSI. I decided that it would be interesting for the audience to watch parts of various interrogations."
[Grissom, Sara and Brass are interrogating a witness. They've been interrogating him for 30 minutes but the guy isn't cooperating. Let's say his antenna doesn't pick up all the channels, he's crazy, a tiny-toon with the IQ of a retarded snail]
Insane witness: "Ok, here's a joke I think you might find brilliant. Plus, it fits the occasion."
Grissom (showing the first signs of frustration): "Sir, we don't want to hear any jo---"
Insane witness: "How do you call a person who puts poison in other people's corn flakes?"
[Sara doesn't hesitate]
Sara(rolling her eyes): "A cereal killer… *Duh*."
[The suspect blinks a couple of times and doesn't say a word. Sarah smiles, Brass giggles. You can almost see smoke coming out of Grissom's ears and the question "did that just happen or I'm going nuts?" is written all over his face]
Insane witness: "If you knew the answer lady why did you have to spoil the fun for the rest?"
Host: "Cute, very cute. Here's my favorite suspect, it turned out to be a vicious murderer, but hey, the guy had a sense of humor, he reminds me of my Uncle Irvin."
[The camera shows Grissom, Sara, Catherine and Nick sitting at one side of the interrogation table, Brass is leaning against a wall and the suspect is, well, poking his nose or trying to extract a sample of his brain with his finger. Point is, it's disgusting]
Catherine(disgusted and about to puke): "We can see you Sr."
Suspect(seemingly surprised): "You mean I'm not invisible??"
[Sara and Nick exchange glances, the suspect stops poking his nose and stares at his hand. Yep, he realizes that he's invisible cream does not work. Bummer]
Grissom(sounding very business like): "What were you doing at 3.00 am last night?"
Suspect(leaning forward): "I tell you what, pal. I will tell you what I was doing at 3:00am if they (pointing at Sara and Catherine) dance in a cage in their underwear while I pour tequila over their bodies."
[Grissom, Nick and Brass look at Sara and Catherine, they appear to be waiting for the women's decision]
Catherine: "Judge Jennings and my lawyer said I couldn't do that again in the state of Nevada so, no."
Sara(realizing that the males in the room where waiting for her answer): "Forget it, I'm not dancing in a cage (the males don't take their eyes off of her) NO, I'm not doing it, I'm not drunk and it's not anyone's birthday."
Suspect: "I could fix the 'drunk part'."
Grissom (looking back at the suspect): "As tempting as your offer might be that is against the standard procedure for an interrogation. It would be immoral to do so, sir."
Brass: "And besides, all we have here is beer."
Host: "The following interrogatory proves that 'body language' can be far more persuading than words although they too are important to the success of an interrogation. This method aims for a quick and immediate bonding with the suspect that will allow the interrogator to extract the information out of him/her in a very SUBTLE way. Though you have never seen ol' Jimbo Brass use this 'scientifically' proven method he is very fond of it."
[Brass is smacking the suspect's head against the interrogating table]
Host(narrates while Brass keeps smacking the guy's head against the table as if it was a basketball) : "This is the quick bonding part I was talking about before."
Brass: "CONFESS! CONFESS YOU MANIAC!"
Host: "Brass certainly has a way with words."
A FEW HOURS LATER…
Host: "Most of the times a CSI has to go back to a crime scene to see if he or she has overlooked something that may be crucial to the case. Going back in the night, when it's dark and creepy is not something a CSI would enjoy but it's part of their job.
In this tape we'll show how Nick handles this particular situation. This footage was obtained thanks to the greedy personality of a police officer that agreed to put cameras in the crime scene. We will NOT mention the word B-R-I-B-E because that's not what the police officer accepted from us."
[The camera shows Nick tiptoeing around the bedroom of the victim. With his flashlight in hand he rummages through the victim's drawers. Suddenly, he hears something moving inside the closet. He turns around slowly. Nervously he snatches a lamp from the decease's nightstand. He frowns. Quietly leaves the lamp where he found it and draws out his gun]
Host: "Good thinking, Nicky. A gun can inflict more damage than a lamp (although this is not true in most Asian karate movies where a spatula or bottle opener can be turned into a deadly weapon)"
[Nick remembers last time how that nosy reporter had scared he crap out of him so he calms down and looks more confident]
Nick(holstering his gun): "Ok, I know there's a journalist in there…I'm gonna turn around now (he turns around, his back to the closet)"
[A confused man dressed in black clothes and wearing a rubber mask of Julia Robert's face leaps out of the closet, *huge* knife in hand]
Nick: "I'm gonna let you walk away without arresting you for trespassing, ok? But I warn you, the next time I find you here I'll arrest you."
[The murderer shrugs and walks away of the room with a key piece of evidence]
Nick(turning around, facing the closet): "Journalists."
Host: "No comments. And now it's time for…not another quiz. Yes, we don't like to be repetitive. Did you understand? *We* don't like to be repetitive. This time I will give you tips, yeah, tips, T-I-P-S. Tips on what you might be wondering? Well, if you ever have the opportunity of dating a nightshift CSI you should know that is not easy. They're wild creatures of the night, they're hard to catch and once you have one, they're hard to keep seated in once place, specially if that place is in front of a dinner table."
Director: "Jimmy get to the point, we're on a schedule."
Host :"Don't rush me, I'm inspired…"
Director: "Get to the point or else I'll tell your wife about---"
Host(suddenly nervous): "OK, here are the TIPS…"
TIPS ON HOW TO DATE A WORKAHOLIC NIGHTSHIFT CSI.
TIP#1: If you had succeeded in capturing the attention of a CSI and you whish to ask him/her on a date take this advice: upon arriving to the restaurant/bar/dinner where the date will take place tackle the CSI and immobilize him/her on the ground. Now, before anyone calls the authorities, remove his/her beeper and cell phone. These items can otherwise put an early end to your date because serial killers and psychos only take a small vacation on Labor's Day (everyone knows that).
Foot note: In some extreme cases a CSI may carry an extra beeper strapped to his/her ankle. A searching process is recommended. You can say something like this: "Now, face the walls and spread your legs, honey."
TIP#2: I know you want to be polite but remember that your date handles corpses, sees guts, torn limbs and stinky gooey stuff on a daily bases so the last thing you wanna do is ask: "how was your day?" or something similar. For instance, here's a good example of what you shouldn't do:
[The camera shows a pretty nice guy having dinner in a fancy restaurant with Sara. The waiter arrives with their orders and then walks away, leaving the two love birds alone]
Host: "This is what you will ask if you're a moron…"
Cute guy (taking the first bite of his roast beef): "So, tell me about your job, what did you do today?"
Sara: "Well, this morning we found a dead guy frozen inside a mini-fridge. It seems the killer had to cut him in small pieces because otherwise he wouldn't fit inside the fridge but he wasn't very clean because he didn't take some of the food out of the fridge you know so the dead guy smelled like a cheese and mayo Popsicle. And here's the funny part, he stuffed the guy's liver inside a cookie jar and it was all bloody and the maggots were having a field day…"
Cute guy (looking somewhat greenish): "Re-really?"
TIP#3: This would have to be performed the exact moment your correspondent meals arrive to your table. Search thoroughly the contents of your dish before you actually start to eat, examine your glass and check for any foreign objects or body parts such as fingers, tongues or any small human appendix.
Host: "If you follow this tips you date with a CSI will succeed unless, of course, a madman enters the restaurant or diner and takes you and your CSI date hostages. It happened to me once."
TBC…
***
k, I know this chapter sucked. I'll try to make the next one funnier, ok?