Title: My Worst Fear
Author: Aimee
Spoilers: None whatsoever. Wow, that's shocking, I know…
Summary: It's the middle of the night and Carter is wide awake, thinking about Abby and their relationship. Is it worth it? Should he stay with her? What will he decide?
Author's Notes: This story came about solely because I was listening to the Rascal Flatts' song "My Worst Fear" and thought the first two verses were just begging to be made into a Carby fic (see end of story for lyrics) - However, the entire song is NOT Carby. It's actually depressing and awful and I would cry if it ended up ever applying to Carby. But the first two verses…yep. They work well. Thanks to Misty and Julie for Beta-ing at 4:30 in the morning - I lurve you both!
Disclaimer: They're not mine. I wish they were.
With no further ado… "My Worst Fear"
________________________________________
Darkness.
It's all I can see as I lie here in bed with her. It's also all I can feel in my heart.
I'm not sure what's happened between us, lately. All I know is that there used to be a time when everything was perfect - we were happy, we were in love. Well, at least I was in love.
And maybe that's the problem. No, now that I think about it, that is definitely the problem. I've just been too afraid to admit it, because it seems like such a selfish reason to leave. I know she cares about me. That much is obvious. I know she needs me. And that's an incredible feeling. But I love her. I always have. And honestly - I don't think the feeling is mutual. For as long as I can remember, it's been about her problems and her needs and her circumstances. And I've always been more than happy to be there for her, to comfort her, to help her through it all.
But has the favor ever been returned? Not to my recollection. I know, I'm a bitter and selfish person, but is it really too much to ask? I've always been right here when she needed me, and all she ever does in response is push me away and tell me why I'm better off leaving her.
And so…I'm doing just that.
I've been agonizing over this decision for a month now. It's not working. No matter how much I love her or how deeply she's ingrained upon my heart, this relationship isn't fair. Not to me. I give all that I have, and she doesn't believe me. Much less does she offer any proof that I'm loved in the same way. All I've ever wanted was to hear her voice, telling me that she loves me even half as much as I love her. At this point , I'd settle for her staring deep into my eyes and squeezing my hand in a way that just says it all - says it's for real.
Because I don't want to leave. I can't imagine my life without her. I dreamt about calling her my own for years, and I've finally been blessed with that opportunity. She's the most incredible woman I've ever met. Everything I do is for her and because of her, to try to make her happy. I love her more than I've ever loved anyone. And being without her is my worst fear.
But, if I let this go on, we'll both end up in a vicious cycle of polite small talk and emotionless embraces. All along, there's been something missing in this relationship. A little over a month ago, I realized what it was. What we have is one-sided. I give. She takes. And I can't live like this anymore. I have to leave behind this routine we've fallen into. If I don't, I'll be abandoning everything that I believe in about what makes a relationship stick. And because of that, staying is my worst fear.
As I lie here with my back to her, on the edge of my side of the bed, I can hear her breathing lightly on her side. I know her back is to me as well. We've been sleeping like this for almost two months now. It's ridiculous, this charade we're carrying on. She obviously isn't interested in salvaging this relationship. If she was, she would have stepped up to the plate by now. And my decision is now finalized. In the morning, I'll tell her it's over. I have no idea how I'll manage to get through that conversation, considering it's going to kill me. But it's also going to save me. It'll save both of us. We can't go on like this.
I feel her shift her weight on the mattress and I can tell that she's rolling toward my side. She's always been a fitful sleeper. But then I feel her lips softly press against my cheek. What is this?
"You're so peaceful when you sleep," I hear her whisper. Huh? Do I open my eyes and let her know I'm awake or just see what happens? "I envy that about you." Definitely let her talk. She thinks I'm dead to the world. Sounds like all she's going to do is complain, anyway, so why would I want to be awake for more of that? Damn, I'm bitter…
"I watch you sleep at night. Almost every night. And you have such a peace about you. It's like, when you're sleeping, everything bad just disappears and your world is perfect for those few hours. My sleep…it's nightmares. Constantly." Yep. Absolutely glad I'm 'asleep' right now. It's comments like this that helped me decide to leave. She can never see the bright side of anything. Ever. "When I sleep, I dream of losing you," and I hear her choke on her words. What is she talking about? "I don't have that peace when I sleep, because if I'm sleeping I'm not with you. And you are my peace." Oh my God. Who is this woman and where is my embittered girlfriend? "With you, everything is simple. You've shown me what it is to be happy. And I know I suck at showing my emotions, but I promise you that I'm happy. I've never known a feeling like this. And it scares me. So I've been pushing you away." You think? "I figured if I didn't let myself get too close, it wouldn't hurt as badly when you left. Because I was sure you would leave. They always do." Ouch. That hurts, given my current state of mind and plan of action.
She falls silent for what seems like hours, and I hear her let out a heavy sigh. She places her hand on my arm and leans her head against my shoulder, next to my ear. And then she begins again.
"I'm so sorry, baby. You've been nothing but good to me, and you've proven that you aren't going anywhere." Stop talking. Stop talking now. "And I know that I've pushed you too far, now. Things are different, and I don't know how to fix this. But I know that pushing you away hasn't made it any easier to handle the idea of you leaving. I wish I could change how I've treated you. I promise you, things will be different from now on." Actually, please continue. I'm now fully interested. "The drinking, the smoking, all of it. I'm done. I've been clean and sober for almost two months now, and I'm sorry I never told you I was quitting. I just wanted to do it on my own. To show you that I could. I want to make you proud. I wanted to see for myself what there is about me worth loving. And I found out that I'm strong. Even without you guiding the way. I realize that now." She sighs again, and I can tell that she's smiling to herself. This is becoming the most amazing conversation I never had.
"Thank you. Thank you so much for showing me that. Before you, I never believed I had anything worth giving in return. But I do. And I'll give you anything and everything you need. I promise you that. I've been horrible to you, and I pray that someday you can forgive me. I'm so sorry. I'll try harder to be for you what you are to me. My peace. My reason. My everything."
Again, there's a long silence and I'm resigned to believing that she's fallen asleep on my shoulder, content with her speech into the darkness. And I'm content with it, as well. Was she reading my mind earlier? She couldn't possibly have known what I've been contemplating - what reasons I've given myself for leaving. Can I actually leave now? I don't want to. And I don't think I need to. Her words are proof enough that she's invested in this relationship. But is that enough reason to stay?
A tear lands on my neck and I realize that she's crying. Not sleeping. Then, softly, the most beautiful voice I've ever heard. "I love you, baby. More than you'll ever know. One day, I'll get the courage to tell you when you're awake. But I do love you. So much." And another tear hits my neck.
Oh yeah, that's enough. Everything I've ever wanted to hear.
And I can't bear to let this moment pass me by. I roll over, pushing her off of my shoulder, and place my face on the pillow just inches from hers. The look on her face is one of shock and utter confusion. But my face is smiling. I reach up and wipe another stray tear from her cheek, before gently leaning in to kiss her lips.
"I love you, too, baby." And now her eyes are wide with wonder.
"You were awake?" she asks finally, studying my face.
"Yes. Thank you. For everything that you said. You'll never know how much I needed to hear that tonight."
She takes my hand and intwines our fingers, looking at me seriously. "I meant it."
"I believe you." And I do. "I just wish you could open up to me like that when you know I can hear you."
She stares into my eyes for a moment and then bites her lip. And I know I've won. She always chews that lip when she's seriously considering something.
"John?" She swallows hard, but keeps her eyes locked on mine. "I love you. Please don't leave me."
I unlock my hand from hers and place it on her face. Oh, what a difference a few minutes have made. "I love you too, Abby. I won't leave you. Ever."
And I won't. I'm not. She's finally given me a reason to stay.
__________________________________
Last night you gave me a kiss
You didn't know it, but I was awake when you did
You were quiet, you were gonna let me sleep
So I just laid there, pretending to be
You said some things you didn't know I could hear
And the words "I love you" never sounded so sincere
It's gonna make it hard to tell you that I'm leaving
Now that I know how much you care
You finally gave me one good reason not to go
When staying here is my worst fear.
--Rascal Flatts
Author: Aimee
Spoilers: None whatsoever. Wow, that's shocking, I know…
Summary: It's the middle of the night and Carter is wide awake, thinking about Abby and their relationship. Is it worth it? Should he stay with her? What will he decide?
Author's Notes: This story came about solely because I was listening to the Rascal Flatts' song "My Worst Fear" and thought the first two verses were just begging to be made into a Carby fic (see end of story for lyrics) - However, the entire song is NOT Carby. It's actually depressing and awful and I would cry if it ended up ever applying to Carby. But the first two verses…yep. They work well. Thanks to Misty and Julie for Beta-ing at 4:30 in the morning - I lurve you both!
Disclaimer: They're not mine. I wish they were.
With no further ado… "My Worst Fear"
________________________________________
Darkness.
It's all I can see as I lie here in bed with her. It's also all I can feel in my heart.
I'm not sure what's happened between us, lately. All I know is that there used to be a time when everything was perfect - we were happy, we were in love. Well, at least I was in love.
And maybe that's the problem. No, now that I think about it, that is definitely the problem. I've just been too afraid to admit it, because it seems like such a selfish reason to leave. I know she cares about me. That much is obvious. I know she needs me. And that's an incredible feeling. But I love her. I always have. And honestly - I don't think the feeling is mutual. For as long as I can remember, it's been about her problems and her needs and her circumstances. And I've always been more than happy to be there for her, to comfort her, to help her through it all.
But has the favor ever been returned? Not to my recollection. I know, I'm a bitter and selfish person, but is it really too much to ask? I've always been right here when she needed me, and all she ever does in response is push me away and tell me why I'm better off leaving her.
And so…I'm doing just that.
I've been agonizing over this decision for a month now. It's not working. No matter how much I love her or how deeply she's ingrained upon my heart, this relationship isn't fair. Not to me. I give all that I have, and she doesn't believe me. Much less does she offer any proof that I'm loved in the same way. All I've ever wanted was to hear her voice, telling me that she loves me even half as much as I love her. At this point , I'd settle for her staring deep into my eyes and squeezing my hand in a way that just says it all - says it's for real.
Because I don't want to leave. I can't imagine my life without her. I dreamt about calling her my own for years, and I've finally been blessed with that opportunity. She's the most incredible woman I've ever met. Everything I do is for her and because of her, to try to make her happy. I love her more than I've ever loved anyone. And being without her is my worst fear.
But, if I let this go on, we'll both end up in a vicious cycle of polite small talk and emotionless embraces. All along, there's been something missing in this relationship. A little over a month ago, I realized what it was. What we have is one-sided. I give. She takes. And I can't live like this anymore. I have to leave behind this routine we've fallen into. If I don't, I'll be abandoning everything that I believe in about what makes a relationship stick. And because of that, staying is my worst fear.
As I lie here with my back to her, on the edge of my side of the bed, I can hear her breathing lightly on her side. I know her back is to me as well. We've been sleeping like this for almost two months now. It's ridiculous, this charade we're carrying on. She obviously isn't interested in salvaging this relationship. If she was, she would have stepped up to the plate by now. And my decision is now finalized. In the morning, I'll tell her it's over. I have no idea how I'll manage to get through that conversation, considering it's going to kill me. But it's also going to save me. It'll save both of us. We can't go on like this.
I feel her shift her weight on the mattress and I can tell that she's rolling toward my side. She's always been a fitful sleeper. But then I feel her lips softly press against my cheek. What is this?
"You're so peaceful when you sleep," I hear her whisper. Huh? Do I open my eyes and let her know I'm awake or just see what happens? "I envy that about you." Definitely let her talk. She thinks I'm dead to the world. Sounds like all she's going to do is complain, anyway, so why would I want to be awake for more of that? Damn, I'm bitter…
"I watch you sleep at night. Almost every night. And you have such a peace about you. It's like, when you're sleeping, everything bad just disappears and your world is perfect for those few hours. My sleep…it's nightmares. Constantly." Yep. Absolutely glad I'm 'asleep' right now. It's comments like this that helped me decide to leave. She can never see the bright side of anything. Ever. "When I sleep, I dream of losing you," and I hear her choke on her words. What is she talking about? "I don't have that peace when I sleep, because if I'm sleeping I'm not with you. And you are my peace." Oh my God. Who is this woman and where is my embittered girlfriend? "With you, everything is simple. You've shown me what it is to be happy. And I know I suck at showing my emotions, but I promise you that I'm happy. I've never known a feeling like this. And it scares me. So I've been pushing you away." You think? "I figured if I didn't let myself get too close, it wouldn't hurt as badly when you left. Because I was sure you would leave. They always do." Ouch. That hurts, given my current state of mind and plan of action.
She falls silent for what seems like hours, and I hear her let out a heavy sigh. She places her hand on my arm and leans her head against my shoulder, next to my ear. And then she begins again.
"I'm so sorry, baby. You've been nothing but good to me, and you've proven that you aren't going anywhere." Stop talking. Stop talking now. "And I know that I've pushed you too far, now. Things are different, and I don't know how to fix this. But I know that pushing you away hasn't made it any easier to handle the idea of you leaving. I wish I could change how I've treated you. I promise you, things will be different from now on." Actually, please continue. I'm now fully interested. "The drinking, the smoking, all of it. I'm done. I've been clean and sober for almost two months now, and I'm sorry I never told you I was quitting. I just wanted to do it on my own. To show you that I could. I want to make you proud. I wanted to see for myself what there is about me worth loving. And I found out that I'm strong. Even without you guiding the way. I realize that now." She sighs again, and I can tell that she's smiling to herself. This is becoming the most amazing conversation I never had.
"Thank you. Thank you so much for showing me that. Before you, I never believed I had anything worth giving in return. But I do. And I'll give you anything and everything you need. I promise you that. I've been horrible to you, and I pray that someday you can forgive me. I'm so sorry. I'll try harder to be for you what you are to me. My peace. My reason. My everything."
Again, there's a long silence and I'm resigned to believing that she's fallen asleep on my shoulder, content with her speech into the darkness. And I'm content with it, as well. Was she reading my mind earlier? She couldn't possibly have known what I've been contemplating - what reasons I've given myself for leaving. Can I actually leave now? I don't want to. And I don't think I need to. Her words are proof enough that she's invested in this relationship. But is that enough reason to stay?
A tear lands on my neck and I realize that she's crying. Not sleeping. Then, softly, the most beautiful voice I've ever heard. "I love you, baby. More than you'll ever know. One day, I'll get the courage to tell you when you're awake. But I do love you. So much." And another tear hits my neck.
Oh yeah, that's enough. Everything I've ever wanted to hear.
And I can't bear to let this moment pass me by. I roll over, pushing her off of my shoulder, and place my face on the pillow just inches from hers. The look on her face is one of shock and utter confusion. But my face is smiling. I reach up and wipe another stray tear from her cheek, before gently leaning in to kiss her lips.
"I love you, too, baby." And now her eyes are wide with wonder.
"You were awake?" she asks finally, studying my face.
"Yes. Thank you. For everything that you said. You'll never know how much I needed to hear that tonight."
She takes my hand and intwines our fingers, looking at me seriously. "I meant it."
"I believe you." And I do. "I just wish you could open up to me like that when you know I can hear you."
She stares into my eyes for a moment and then bites her lip. And I know I've won. She always chews that lip when she's seriously considering something.
"John?" She swallows hard, but keeps her eyes locked on mine. "I love you. Please don't leave me."
I unlock my hand from hers and place it on her face. Oh, what a difference a few minutes have made. "I love you too, Abby. I won't leave you. Ever."
And I won't. I'm not. She's finally given me a reason to stay.
__________________________________
Last night you gave me a kiss
You didn't know it, but I was awake when you did
You were quiet, you were gonna let me sleep
So I just laid there, pretending to be
You said some things you didn't know I could hear
And the words "I love you" never sounded so sincere
It's gonna make it hard to tell you that I'm leaving
Now that I know how much you care
You finally gave me one good reason not to go
When staying here is my worst fear.
--Rascal Flatts