Things were always easier to deal with in the daytime. Sirius had discovered this phenomenon a long time ago, even without his Mum's advice to think things over in the morning, when the head was clearer. Sirius had simply found the light more reassuring. He was never afraid of the dark, not quite - he just couldn't see the dark as well, or breathe as deeply.
After such a tumultuous morning, he decided that he needed to be alone for a while, something his friends found rather peculiar. He really only needed time to clear his head.
"Sirius, what in the world has gotten into you today?" James asked, looking bewildered. He pushed the specs that had slid down his nose back up and peered at Sirius.
"Yeah, if I didn't know better, I'd say he was in love," piped up a girly voice not so far from them. Sirius blanched and attempted to leer at whomever had made the comment. Lily was staring at him, green eyes laughing at his misfortunes. `In love', now, really. He wasn't in love with anyone.
*Anyone*, he insisted as his subconscious began to protest, presenting him with a perfect image of Remus, sitting next to him in class and biting his lip in concentration. But last night's dream about Remus had been nothing more than a hormonal mishap. He was at a very sensitive stage in his life. Anything could set him off, even a good meal or a Quidditch match.
"In love, eh?" James interrupted Sirius's thoughts with a smirk. "Who's the lucky lady, then?"
Sirius decided that he really needed to get a grip on himself. For a second there, he could have sworn that James had said "laddie".
"James, I'm not in love. I just need to do my work in peace and quiet."
"Right." James looked at him above the spectacles that had slid down his nose once more. Sirius looked away and began to gather his parchments from the common-room table. Remus was sitting at that table, his head studiously lowered above his Potions essay. His eyebrows were wrinkled in an extremely attractive way. He was chewing his lip, as usual. His lower lip now looked pretty chapped.
Sirius quickly looked away. He gathered up the last of his things and fled through the portrait hole.
~*~
When he had finally found a secluded table in a corner of the library, he enjoyed approximately a minute and a half of peace and quiet before it was broken by a giggle. It had come from a Hufflepuff girl from his year. She was standing between the stacks, holding some yellow book. Sirius realized that she was not alone. Another Hufflepuff their age was standing next to her, concealing the fact that she was staring at him very poorly. Sirius let out a sigh. Giggling girls again. They seemed to be everywhere. He couldn't escape them - they giggled endlessly, whether they were talking to each other, boys, teachers - nobody was safe from them. He obviously wasn't going to get any thinking done at this rate.
"Oh, look at that...ugh, that is so sick!" Another giggle. Sirius looked over at them once more and noticed that they were looking at the book that the first girl had been holding.
"It's not sick...I think it's sort of cute!" The first one was defending whatever it was that had caught their attention.
"How can you think it's cute? It's just so wrong!"
"Well, *they* look happy, don't they?"
"I don't even know why they allowed this book in here, where anybody could get to it," the second one huffed, looking the stacks over disapprovingly.
"Madam Pomfrey said that we needed to educate ourselves - you heard her, too, didn't you?"
"Well, yes, but not - not about this! Ugh, turn the page, will you? Oh, look here..."
Sirius looked up at the top of the bookcase - "Sexual Education", read the tag blatantly. His eyebrows quirked. Well, what a great spot to end up in after the night he'd had. He tried seeing the title of the book that the two Hufflepuffs were reading, but two sets of hands were in the way. He looked away quickly, before one of them could make eye contact. That was the last thing he needed at the moment.
He tapped his quill on the desk. Sexual education, indeed. Perhaps *he* needed to take a look at that ruddy book. Maybe it could explain to him the difference between boys and girls, and set the rest of his body straight as to which one he was supposed to dream about. Well, hell, it was worth a try. He certainly didn't want a repeat of last night, that was for damn sure. For a moment he felt edgy and inexplicably sad. No, no, he certainly didn't need it.
Having set himself up for looking at the book, Sirius had to wait for the two girls to be done with their "education" and leave. To his great surprise, something had gone right in the day, after all - five minutes later, the giggling retreated to a place five stacks away, and Sirius was free to peruse through the shelves all by himself. So, he went for the book they had been holding.
*"What Every Young Witch and Wizard Ought to Know: Starting a Family"* by Dr. R. Thur.
A family? Hell, who needed a family - they were only fourteen! Sighing, Sirius flipped the book open.
The first few chapters went into great detail about the anatomy of both sexes. Sirius felt himself going red as he quickly scanned the illustrations that accompanied all the explanations of how "the fairer sex" worked. Honestly, it was just...ugh, it wasn't pretty. However, he was sure that in a few years, he would feel very differently. He would want to - want to do - he flipped a few pages ahead - *that...* Sirius peered at the obliging illustration. Well, it looked easy enough. And, really, he was just too young to actually *want* to do it, and what did the next chapter say about it? Impatiently he flipped a few pages ahead, and froze. He found himself staring at...him and Remus? No, no, that was silly, it was ridiculous... He peered at the page more closely - the two boys (well, men, really, they seemed to be about eighteen) were - they were kissing. And they were naked. And they were...he closed the book abruptly and looked around. No one seemed to have been looking.
Good, because he found himself so flustered, that his cheeks heated up and a dormant part of his anatomy began to stir. Sirius raked a hand through his hair, and absently found it growing longer than his mother would have liked. Next thing you know, McGonagall would be on his case about it.
He sighed and looked down at the book in his hands. He tried to remember the title of the chapter that the picture was in. He couldn't. Looking around him once more, Sirius opened the book and quickly scanned the table of contents.
Ah, of course. There it was, plain and simple - *"Queer Sexuality - Deviations from the Norm"*.
Deviations. Abnormal. *Queer*. Which was exactly what he was not. He was not - not queer. He *liked* girls. They were pretty. They had nice, shiny hair...they had soft skin...they giggled. Well, ok, maybe not that last bit - the giggling really did get on his nerves.
Sirius sighed once more. What he felt when he saw that picture was nothing important. It was just a phase, just a silly phase that he was sure to grow out of. In fact, he could have bet all of his savings *and* the next Gryffindor Quidditch victory that most blokes felt that way at his age. And, really, who wouldn't find Remus attractive?
Sirius bit down on his thoughts. That was probably...no, it wasn't true. Well, girls definitely found Remus attractive - Sirius had seen a few of them staring at his friend as he walked down corridors. He felt sudden anger and didn't know why.
He didn't know, and this *not knowing* was driving him crazy. It was so unfair! Why was he feeling like this? Why him? No one else seemed to be this confused, this...this stupefied! He kept seeing couples walking around, boys and girls holding hands, or simply looking at each other, and it seemed so *easy* for them - why wasn't it like that for him? Why did he have to wake up in the middle of the night, wet and seeing Remus? Why *Remus*? Why not Lily? Why not Beth?
He shoved the stupid yellow book back in its spot, and leaned against the bookshelf, trying to breathe deeply. This was just too damn unfair. This was...wasn't what he had wanted to be. He wanted to be normal, he wanted it to be easy. He wanted to like girls. He wanted to make his parents happy as he brought home a girlfriend for the first time. And someday, he would. Not in any foreseeable future, he was sure. He certainly wasn't ready for it. He wasn't ready to - to kiss...yet. He just...
Sirius almost growled in frustration. Clearly, his mind wasn't being cleared by daylight. If anything, knowing that these sorts of thoughts entered his mind at noon as well as midnight made it only worse.
As he was walking away from the library, the yellow book hidden away in the depths of his bag, Sirius kept stealing glances at all the people passing him. Surely, they couldn't tell what he was thinking. They didn't know...right? What if someone could tell? What if the way he was walking suggested that he was, well, queer? But, no, it couldn't, because he *wasn't* queer. He was normal. He was happy, dammit! He was a normal fourth-year, with great friends, a good head on his shoulders, and quite an imagination for pranks. And he was almost an Animagus. He knew that they were closer than ever now. He would simply put all of his energy into finishing the spell, and then he would become normal again. Perhaps all this was just a side-effect of the spell. It had to have been.
With that thought, he rounded the corner, and walked up back to his dormitory, a small and unsure smile playing on his face. He was normal, he told himself. He had to be.