The Diary Of He-who-must-not-be-named
(or He-who-is-seriously-stupid)
This is the sole property of Lord Voldermort, greatest of all wizards, (even though that puny Harry Potter defeated me at least 2 times)
July 6, 1995
Dear Diary,
It has been a long time since I wrote in a diary. You are my new diary, that I got from a muggle store, called Walmart, in America yesterday. I Avada Kedavra-ed all of the muggles in the store and took my time screaming at the stupid Death Eaters to search the stores for things that I want.
On my way towards the toys area to find the new Powerpuff girls stuffed toys, with that coward, Wormtail, with me, you caught my eye. You are so beautiful, just sitting there with your fluffy pink fur as cover. I almost cried when I saw you. I finally had a diary again!
After getting back from the Walmart, I ordered my servants to get the newspapers and magazines all around the world. Oh, I just LOVED reading about myself on the newspapers. If you asked me, I am very proud that I have become the Wizarding World's largest celebrity, and it is just so exciting!
It has only been about two months since I have come back, and life is just so good! I woke up at 10 a.m., threw a tantrum when I heard that Harry Potter was not killed, got Nagini (my snake, if you have no idea) to find Wormtail to help me brush my teeth. I threw a tantrum again when my breakfast of McDonald's was not at the table when I went back into my bedroom. To alleviate my anger, I put the Cruciatus curse on Wormtail. After breakfast, I changed into my black robes, that make me look powerful and evil. I must say, I look so handsome in it (not that I am not handsome, quite the opposite, actually).
I went to my throne room, and sat at the throne while that coward of a servant stood beside me. Since he looked like he had nothing to do, I put him under the Cruciatus curse again to entertain myself. After becoming bored, I started to plan stupid plans to get Harry Potter (that idiot) into my lair so that I can kill him.
After seven hours of planning and torturing, I ate some chocolate for dinner. Don't you just love chocolate? The only bad point is that it makes me fat. I almost could not fit in my dress robes anymore. Dear Lucifer, I cannot go on like this. I must exercise. What would everyone in the Wizarding World say when they see the Dark Lord, the Supreme of all, becoming fat? That muggle-lover Dumbledore would laugh at me surely. I cannot bear the thought of it! No, I just cannot simply bear it!
July 8, 1995
Dear Diary,
It is time.
July 8, 1995
Dear Diary,
I guessed you must be surprised. I was too busy just now, but I finally got the time to write in you.
I was too busy squealing and trying to learn how to flutter my eyebrows in the mirror to write. A man gotta look good, you know?
I spent the last few days torturing Wormtail and some muggles while trying to find inspiration for my plans to kill Harry Potter. GRRR…the thought of him still alive makes me want to cry. I simply cannot let him live on this Earth, he is too pretty!
Yes, I admit it. The reason I wanted to kill the Potters is because they are too pretty. I let that crackpot old Dumbledore off because he is too old to be handsome. That Sirius Black and Remus Lupin are also on my list. I will kill them… after I get rid of public enemy number 1. (If you are too stupid to get it, that person is Harry Potter.)
I have thought of killing Lucius Malfoy, y'know… But his hair had saved him. He looked awful because of that long hair, so I let him off. It makes him so horrible. The first sign of him changing his hairstyle, he would be executed. At this point, I cannot help but cackle evilly. I just loved being evil.
His son, that… Drat or Dratty or… Ah-hah! Yes, Drackey, is still too young. Shows some… potential (I just HATE to say this) to become even more famous than me with his prettiness… I'll just have to see… *sigh* Why is it always those clever ones are handsome? Why are idiots like Pettigrew? Then I would not have to kill them…
Oh well, it is no wonder I am the prettiest of all of them… because I'm the cleverest of them all.
Again, my priority is Harry Potter, the others I would kill at some point.
Coming back to the reason why I made that statement in my last entry, I finally conceived the stupidest plan ever, one of my greatest ideas! I would plant some spy in Hogwarts, get him close to Harry Potter, give him a portkey and send him to my lair. I duel with him and I kill him. See? I am a genius! Nobody would EVER figure that I am such a genius!
July 10, 1995
Dear Diary,
I am so excited. I cannot help but squeal in happiness as I write this. The plan has been brought forward. I am too impatient to kill Harry Potter when he is in Hogwarts. I should just get one of my servants to kidnap him. (I expect I must give detailed instructions. I swear, those Death Eaters are getting stupider and stupider each day.)
I finally set the date of the kidnapping on July 31, which is his birthday. So there, Dumbledore!
As I write this, Wormtail is doing the Ketchup Song dance beside me. I did not even have to put him under the Imperius. He is getting useless each day, I will kill him soon.
I'm getting the D.E.s for a meeting the day after tomorrow. Who should I put under the Cruciatus this time… I should write down a list…
July 12, 1995
Dear Diary,
Had a GREAT TIME TODAY! Oh diary, it's just SO FUN to torture people. And it helps my complexion because I'm, like, so happy, so it's like it will help my complexion.
Managed to torture everyone today. I finished all of them within 30 minutes, and managed to do another round before they were dismissed. MWAHHAHA… (At this, the diary entry suddenly stopped.)
July 13, 1995
Dear Diary,
I found out that I can't laugh my evil laugh so well now! This is absolutely unspiffing! Would you believe that I actually CHOKED on my SALIVA when throwing my head and laughed evilly?! This is horrible! I must practice everyday now. GRRR… so angry with that Harry Potter now. If he hadn't defeated me, my evil laugh would still be intact! Then, I would not have to waste my time practicing my laugh! Which will not affect the time set aside to find some inspiration to kill him! *sulks*
I am in such a rotten mood that I refused to talk about who I tortured today. Will stick the list when I have the time.
July 15, 1995
Dear Diary,
Woke up at 12 noon. Make Wormtail brush my teeth. Practise how to laugh for an hour. Managed to choke 27 times. Screamed at everyone before I started to think of plots while munching on Godiva's chocolate. Mmm, life is good.
Here's the list which I tortured people:
1) Peter Pettigrew 10 For being stupid
2) Lucius Malfoy 5 For disobeying me
3) Severus Snape 2 For being late
4) Alfrek Nott 4 For being stupid
5) Tobias Avery 4 For being stupid
6) Tim Goyle 4 For being stupid
7) Walden Macnair 3 For forgetting to bring me McDonalds (everyone brought something except him)
8) Grant Crabbe 4 For being stupid
9) Deidre Lestrange 1 For questioning orders
10) Gary Lestrange 1 Because everyone got the cruciatus so he gets it too
July 21, 1995
Dear Diary,
I'm am so so so so so so so so so sorry for not writing. I did not meant to do it. HONESTLY! Well, I have been a good boy these days, practicing my laughs everyday. Now, I only choke about 15 times. It's absolutely COOL, isn't it? Preparing for an attack on Potter in 10 days…
August 1, 1995
Dear Diary,
I am in absolute aghast. I am shocked, angry, irate, angry, livid, angry, pissed off, angry and incensed. Most of all, I am ANGRY!
I cannot believe this. This boy had escaped from me again! This is abominable , atrocious, and I absolutely cannot take this lying down. No one ever escaped from the Dark Lord. NO ONE! I simply cannot let him stay on. This is unheard of! This is impossible!
He has escaped by putting Dungbombs into my mouth and distracting me. Mind you, I almost died! The whole world would be in great chaos if I died!
Even putting that Wormtail under torture is not enough. (Though I still did it as it amused me greatly.)
Now, I just want to curl up in my bed and cry. Why can't all the muggles and Harry Potter just die? He is a bad boy!
I need to find something to ease my anger. Yes, I should go and curse Wormtail again, and plot some new evil idea to kill Harry Potter.
Watch out, world. I'm back.
The End