ANGUISH
A.N: Hi! Just reuploaded this tuff after kind Anna-Neko agreed to revise it for me. Thanks to Chiki who reviewed the unrevised one.
DISCLAIMER: I do not own RK and all its characters. Wouldn't it be fun if we all did?
The spring really is the best time of the year, next to fall of course. I just love it when the sakura flowers fall and sort of create a wind formation. The sight of it makes me forget things. Mom said I inherited that fondness from her. That was a relief. To inherit a trait from my mom and my mom only. It would be a disgrace--for me--to inherit something from my dad. Don't ask.
Mornings. I also love them. Especially when you wake up and find you're still with your loved one. Like I do. With my mom. And only her. You ask "Why? Don't you love your dad too?" Didn't I tell you to stop asking questions? Anyway, to shut you up...
Well..Yeah..I don't love him. Why? It's because he left me and my mom to wait like crazy for him while he saves Japan unarmed. I'm not too crazy about waiting for him though. It's his choice to leave. Mom has got me and Yahiko, while him-he has no one. Let it be.
I shake the thought of him off. Just ruins my day. So, I try to return to Earth and glance around the neighborhood. It's been the same since I last remembered it, not that I left it or what but,you know that thing that sorta happens when you grow older? You start to notice the changes and sorta adapt to these changes. They're all good except for one thing.
Hah...there they go again. Those kids. Those loathsome kids. Everyday I'd be tortured, seeing them play a new toy, learn a new game or befriend a new someone. I don't know why I hate them. Maybe because they're just too noisy at times. Or maybe because they bragged a lot. Whenever they pass by our house, they'd say things about how happy they were about their families and all that. Was it of because they wanted to sorta "insult" me?
I don't know why. I don't feel insulted.
So what if they don't befriend me? I've got my mother or Yahiko to play with, learn a new game with and be my friend. Mom could even do a whole lot of things more than raving over those silly kid stuff that will fade eventually. Yahiko's very inventive and fun to be with. He's so spontaneous and active that sometimes it makes me believe that he's just the same age as I am. With a supercool mom and best friend, I don't need anyone else.
Not even Himura Kenshin. My so-called father.
Mom said I hated him ever since. She said--and even Yahiko--that I would pull his hair whenever he cuddles me and climb the dojo roof just to stay away from him. Without knowing how to go down. Hey, I was just a kid then! Stupidity was a NORMAL thing. But I know I'll still pull his hair --and even climb the dojo roof (now, I know how to go down!)--if ever he cuddles me again. Yahiko presumed that baby boys tend to hate their fathers without any reason. I happened to, ever since. With reason of course.
Mom always gets angry whenever I say bad things about Himura Kenshin or call him by his name casually, as if having no relations to him. I just wished I didn't, so that mom wouldn't have to incessantly defend him against me ,so that we wouldn't argue and that she wouldn't replay her script about his greatness. She deserved a better man.
Why? Why not?
My mom's the best in the world. She's the most enduring woman I know. I think it takes a lot to be a good mother but in her case, it comes out naturally. She's very sweet, kind and loving. She isn't very good at cooking, but who cares? I think I thank that one imperfection she has to still make me believe she's a human being and not some goddess. Yahiko said my mom's very moody and violent that she'd throw things at people and stuff. He also said she was the cruelest woman you'll ever meet. He added that she was very strict and bossy; He and that former gangster, Sanosuke would curse her. Well, lucky me, I'm her son. I sorta tame her wildness.
Ever since I could write, Yahiko stood as my father and brother; and friend and enemy. He is my friend and brother coz when I need a hand, he lends his. When I can't show my mother I'm lonely, he becomes my mirror. When I have so many questions and the answers are so few, he triples the answers. It's actually more than that. He's done a lot for me, and I'm lucky a nice, rational guy like him is part of my family. He 's also a father to me. It's because he often gives me what I call "wise Yahiko" advice that he says I would need someday. He also takes care of mom when she more than needs it. I think I'm going to have a second mother soon coz he's been talking about marrying Tsubame lately. It's fine with me; they fit together. Yahiko's also an enemy sometimes coz he liked talking about him, my "father". I don't listen when he does that. I told you, it just ruins my mood.
But there was one thing Yahiko told me about him that sorta stuck in my head. The thing about Himura Kenshin being a hitokiri. Someone who slays for something and someone. He really is a bad guy then! That's why I hate him. Because he has bad blood. Unfortunately, I too have his blood, meaning I'm also bad. Darn it, so much for rejoicing.
Wait a sec, if he was an assasin before, that meant he was a very skillful swordsman. And if his bad blood runs through my veins too, that also means I inherited his fighting skills! Ok, ok, I said a while ago it was a disgrace to inherit something from my dad but this one's an exception. I was given power--ultimate in peoples' eyes--and I will not ignore it.
I could use my ability to be the strongest among all the swordsmen. I could surpass the reputation he has founded in Japan. I'd be known, not as his son but as a legendary swordsman. Maybe even someone who could have defeated him if he still lived during my time. I'm going to be famous and rich and my family will have a better life! Mom, Yahiko and I will have a better life! More than my mom ever dreamed of. More than Kenshin ever dreamed of for mom.
Anyway, I always pointed out to Yahiko that gruesome thingie about Kenshin and stressed that he is not deserved by my mom. As expected, Yahiko would defend him again, saying he has changed for the better and is doing everything to atone for the sins he had committed. He says since Kenshin knows he cannot bring back the lives of those he had murdered, he just helps those to begin their lives. *How touchy* I never forget that stuff he told me 'coz it's really very funny, you know.
Yahiko added that it is the reason he has been traveling far and wide; To help others without wielding the sword, without knowing that he had just caused himself another loss:his family.
He said Kenshin had been through a lot. I don't care. Mom has been through a lot because of him. And to think that she doesn't deserve the pain.
He was 11 years older than mom. But as they say, age doesn't matter in love. I don't know how he and mom got along. I really don't know why mom would choose a crazy man like him. He's old that's why he's crazy.
That's what I think. Old people are crazy--except for my mom and Yahiko, of course. They say all these weird stuff about life just to justify their stupidities. They warn you of dangers you must avoid yet they are not avoiding them. They tell you how you should live life yet they themselves are too confused to even lead someone on the right way. Ironic isn't it?
That's why Kenshin Himura is a crazy person.
He's doing all those stuff, atoning for his freaking sins and saying what he has done's not enough. Is anybody measuring it? Can you tell me how much he has to do to totally erase that stuff in his head? He's crazy, but my mom loves him though I just wished she didn't. I wished he loved her more than mom did to him.
Mom says he was a good man. She cosidered him all the good things that ever happened to her. I couldn't recall what she said that made him "all the good things" for her. I wasn't listening.
Then there goes Yahiko's character sketch of the ever-noble Himura Kenshin.
He said "father" did a lot for this country. He endured a lot just to protect Japan. He could have been a politician if given the chance. Yahiko says he helps even if he is the most needy. He says his pure heart stayed with him even if his hands have been stained by blood. It seemed that Yahiko wanted to give me the impression that Himura Kenshin is a saint. And a good father.
Yeah right.
A good father. Says who? Why didn't I see it? Why can't I feel it? If he really was a good father, as Yahiko implies, then why am I so angry with him? I'm his son so I should know. So, please, don't reason with me coz even if you were right, I wouldn't understand. I was the son, the fruit of their love. If he really cherished all of that stuff he had with mom then why isn't he here? Didn't I deserve to be loved? To be recognized as his son? What did I do for him to totally take away that love he was supposed to give me? I'm more than mad at him. I despise, abhor, detest him.
You can't blame me, I have good reasons. If he really loves mom and me, he should have never left us. He should have stayed and lived like an ordinary man--a typical husband, a typical friend...a typical father. But he didn't, he was too principled.
Mom said he left for the better. I see the point but.. but why...But why can't he even help his own family?
Where was he when mom was lonely, sleeping with tears on her pillow coz he hasn't returned? Where was he when we were in the danger of being robbed and murdered by the notorious Xiao Pan whe they attacked Aoiya? Where was he when I needed someone to talk to even if he was the least person I would ever talk with? Where was he when I needed a father?
They were married but what was the use? A three-year happiness that should have lasted forever, cut short due to his freaking "atonement?" Himura Kenshin is the most selfish man I know.
It pains me to look at mom everyday, getting weaker and weaker and sadder and sadder just because of a selfish fool. Who cares if he finds his way to atone? Who cares if he leaves because he wanted to do good? People will always say that he left because he doesn't love us anymore. Anybody would say that he was foolish, stupid and crazy!
Mom always sounded like she understood his reasons but I know she doesn't. I know she still is confused, doubting why he had to do this, why she had to go through this. I can see in her eyes questions which needed immediate answers for if these answers were never found, she will lose the will to survive.
I can't answer her questions. What the hell do I know about my "father"? All I know was that he was once known as Battousai, the hitokiri, the slayer, the greatest swordsman in Japan. Yahiko said he was his idol. I gag my laughter, my disgust everytime I hear him say, "Himura Kenshin is the most noble man you'll ever know." Whatever. For me he is the dumbest man anyone will ever know.
So dumb he left his family to mingle with the unknown and inflict upon himself his own danger. So dumb he left his wife to depression until such a time comes when she's too wilted to wither. So dumb he exchanged the would-be ultimate happiness of his to a freaking search for atonement. So dumb that his only son hates him.
Yahiko said Kenshin has taught him the best lessons in life. If he was here, maybe he could have shared it to me too. But he decided to suffer. So be it. It's his fault. This is all his fault.
I wish he'll never come back. But if he wouldn't mom would be lonely. And I don't want that. All I ever wanted was to see mom smile from the heart. To hear her laugh because she really is happy. To know she is contented with her life. But all of these will be fulfilled only if Himura Kenshin would return. Come back for good.
Why does it have to be this way anyway? If only he stayed, I could have liked him. I could have learned more about him. I could have had a father. I could have felt he loved me. But the stories, the lessons cannot be justified anymore.
He chose to leave us, to leave me the way I was and will always be--a son who abhorred his father. A son. Just a son.
Sometimes I want to slap my mom, make her realize how stupid she was to choose a moron. She was too young, just 18 and a lot of other options were presented to her. If only she waited.
Then maybe she would have known a better man. Loved a better man. Married a better man. Lived with a better man.
Not Himura Kenshin.Not the former Hitokiri Battousai.Not him.Not my so-called father.
God, I hate this! Everybody says I shouldn't feel this way. Everybody says he should be the one I would look up to. Everbody says I am so wrong about him.
Damn! Doesn't anybody care about what I feel? About how hard all this is for me? To see my mom rot everytime my goddamn father's gone? That I'm so confused about all of this happening to me?
If Himura Kenshin is someone I should look up to, then I should be wandering now, fighting the evil forces and leaving my family. I don't want my son to hate me. I don't want my wife to cry over me. I want them to be happy. I want to be happy.
Now I understand. Kenshin's not staying with us coz he knows he's too unworthy of us. Of happiness. That's why he set off to suffer. But he's not alone. My mom's with him. All the time.
Mom, I wish you were here. I wish you could still smile at me. I wish you could still hug me, hold me when I'm scared. Coz I still am. Especially now you're gone.
Especially now that you're with him.Him--my so-called father.
I just wish that I knew him better. So that all of my feelings and Yahiko's stories will be proven. But he gave up on me. I couldn't do anything about it anymore. Well, as Hiko says, you can't blame the dead.
Hope you're happy wherever you two are now.
I love you, mom.
I hate you, Kenshin.
I know you brought it with you there. And I'm glad to know that.
You should have seen me when I was training with Hiko. He said I was good. Only a bit stupid.
But I WAS good. He said my skills were natural and fighting was one thing I was genius at. He said I was even better than you.
Heh... I could have fought you if only you stayed. I'm not afraid. I'd still fight you, you know, even if it kills me in the process. Whatever it takes just to defeat you.
Goodbye to the both of you.
Thanks for nothing, Himura Kenshin.
But I still owe you my life. And my innate skills of course. Thanks anyway.
I'll never forget that one thing you sorta taught me: "Don't marry til you're clean"
I guess mom and you will always stay in my heart.
Sayonara...