Notes: have renamed Roshi's sister. I don't know her name; therefore, I rename her Hechizar. Sounds like a sneeze, no?
~ Chapter Four: The Princess and the Pea ~
Vegeta emerged from his space pod, stretching and yawning.
"What time is it?" he barked crankily at the space pod computer.
"3:04am," replied the computer in a boring, monotone voice.
"Everyone is asleep," said Vegeta, looking up at the dome of Capsule Corporation, "Good. I can…"
The eruption of piercing screams cut his talk short. Vegeta did not hesitate. He immediately blasted a hole in a wall of Capsule Corporation and rapidly followed the screams to their source: Bulma's bedroom. The Saiyajin prince barged through the unlocked door. His eyes widened and his eyebrows shot up.
"NAMEKJIN!!!" he roared at the top of his lungs.
The Namekjin and Bulma were found in a not-so-orthodox position. Bulma (the one who screamed) was lying upside-down and nearly falling off her bed. The Namekjin held her foot and had been in the process of undo Bulma's buttoned pink pajamas. At the sight of Vegeta, Bulma gave a small shriek of happiness, and in doing so slipped off the bed and onto the floor. The Namekjin blinked a few times, as if measuring the extent of Vegeta's anger at seeing Piccolo caught in a bedroom with Bulma. Bulma leapt up from the floor and starting talking as fast as she could to a silently fuming Vegeta.
"Piccolo got infected with the poisonous stone or that's what this Saiyajin princess who came along whatshername Soteira (whom I think is a real snob you Saiyajins are all the same, blah blah blah) said and personally I think she poisoned Piccolo but anyway Piccolo's been asleep for the past week while I tried to grow a stone called Nessos which is the poisonous stone by the way and I thought I could cure him that way but Piccolo's only just woke up not half an hour ago and I just examined him and he seems to be fine except that he's just tried to molest me just now…"
Bulma took a big gulp of air. She did not seem to notice that Vegeta had not listened to one word she said. The Prince of Saiyajins had been maintaining a steady, seething gaze of utterly silent fury at the insanely grinning Namekjin across the room. Bulma prepared to continue to her explanation, but Vegeta spoke first.
"You! Namekjin!" Vegeta thundered, "YOU DARE TO TOUCH THE WENCH!!"
There was an emphasis on 'wench' that Bulma did not particularly care for; and, her face quite clearly displayed her reaction.
"Hey!" she objected, "The 'wench' hates being called…"
"The clumsy-footed, blue-haired, dumb-headed harlot here," Vegeta continued, "Is not to be touched! That is by imperial decree of the Vegeta, Prince of the Saiyajins of Planet Vegeta. Do – you – understand – what – I – am – saying!?"
There was a distinctly incandescent aura emitting from Vegeta, a sure sign of his wrath. The Namekjin, however, was calm and had not moved an iota since Vegeta first entered the room.
"WELL?" Vegeta demanded, not used to being so coolly ignored.
The Namekjin got off the bed. Bulma scooted behind Vegeta, but watched the Namekjin with watchful eyes. The Namekjin took no notice of Bulma, but carelessly brushed past her and Vegeta. He only paused a moment before disappearing down the hall.
"Wanker."
Vegeta clenched his fist, his chi already forming an attack.
~
Soteira's eyes, previously shut, shot open. A flooding input of powerful chi overwhelmed her senses. She took in a deep breath and closed her eyes again, trying to quickly process the information. Some minutes lapsed before the princess reopened her eyes. She sprung from her perch and flew towards the yellow dome of Capsule Corporation, now a glowing orange in the dawning sun.
As soon as Soteira was past the trees, she beheld an uncommon scene. Vegeta, his armor shattered and his clothes torn, was being barraged with a flurry of fists by the supposedly superior Namekjin. Soteira instantly recognized Vegeta, whom she already knew to be the Saiyajin Prince of Vegeta.
The prince? What is he doing here?
Soteira hurriedly flew to his aid, but the fight ended before she came. The Namekjin, upon seeing her person, fled, but for what reason, that was uncertain. Vegeta, lying on the ground, did not care for either reason. He was more concerned with Soteira, who was standing in front of him.
"Princess Soteira!?" he yelled hoarsely, "The Princess of [Planet] Caelian!"
Vegeta's eyes were so wide that they looked ready to fall out of his head. Bulma's jaw dropped.
"A princess! You never told us you were royalty!"
Soteira gave Bulma a rather disdainful expression.
"I would have expected you peasants to realize this fact," Soteira, "Given that I have tried to order you about in the usual manner of a princess."
"I thought that was just the way all Saiyajins acted!" Bulma claimed, but Vegeta pushed her aside.
The Saiyajin Prince gave Soteira a short, but courteous bow. Soteira returned it with an equally brusque curtsy. Bulma kept averting back and forth between them, her eyes eventually becoming wide enough to see all the whites of her eyes.
"Well," said Vegeta directly to Soteira, "With that courtesy done, Princess Soteira, let us to pursue the rogue that has so badly offended (I assume) the both of us. You shall do your part to accompany me, no? Also, please do tell of your coming here whilst we take our journey."
Soteira offered her arm, and Vegeta took it.
"Wait a second!" Bulma shouted, her eyebrow twitching, "What the heck is going on! Vegeta, you pea-brain!!"
She glared at Vegeta, who merely stared at Bulma.
"Why all the manners, huh!" Bulma demanded, "You two aren't – you know – an item or something!"
"We were betrothed," Vegeta replied curtly.
"WHAT!? WHY!?"
Neither prince nor princess answered. They were already flying after the Namekjin.
~ Chapter Five: Goin' to the Chapel ~
In the front of a chapel just outside of the city, a young couple was dashing across the silvery-sprinkled front lawn to reach the front door of small cottage. The man, whose hair was green and spiky and his eyes an electric blue, rapped rapidly on the wooden door. He was sweating and was exceedingly nervous. The girl, whose hand was clutched tightly in his, was tugging her bright pink hair and her equally glistening pink eyes were vividly portraying her agitation.
"Jito," she whispered loudly to her beau, "Is he coming? Is he here? Oh my god, I hope…"
"No one will catch us," Jito reassured his love, "It's not even dawn yet. Besides you, me, and Father Jone, not a soul shall disturb our wedding."
The girl nodded her assent. Just then, the front door opened, revealing a rather youthful man with a cheery face and Irish eyes. He looked upon the couple with astonishment.
"Jito, Futomi," he said, "Good evening. I did not expect to receive you at such an early hour. I was just at my prayers when…"
"Father Jone," said Jito, squeezing Futomi's hand, "Futomi and I wish to wed immediately."
"Now? At this hour? Would you not prefer the usual, grand ceremony of matrimony?"
"No," said Futomi, "We don't need all that. And…"
Futomi's eyes lowered. The priest nodded.
"I understand," he said, "I'll get my things. Where would you like the ceremony?"
"Just out here is fine," said Jito (who was fidgeting), "On the steps of the chapel."
"I'll turn on the light then."
In less than ten minutes, everything was ready. Futomi had spontaneously knit two crowns of flowers, which were linked by a braid of borrowed ribbon from Father Jone. The crowns were placed aloft the heads of the couple. The couple stood on the steps of the chapel, half-hidden by darkness. Father Jone stood atop the steps of the chapel, changed into his proper vestments and his red hair afire from the glow of a single electric light. Father Jone raised his gloved hands to begin the ceremony when a sudden, puzzled expression leapt to his eyes.
"Where are the witnesses?" he asked in bewilderment.
Jito raised an eyebrow.
"Witnesses? What about witnesses?"
"Every marriage – or, most, as far as I know – needs witnesses to authenticate the marriage. This is done in order for legal authorities to validate the marriage, because of certain laws…"
"Yes, yes, I understand," said Jito quickly, "But we don't have any witnesses. We're eloping, so I thought…"
"Then, we have problem."
All three persons were silent. That is, until Futomi burst into tears.
"We'll n-never get m-married!" she sobbed, "W-we c-can't-t j-just s-sneak out again!"
She looked at Father Jone with pleading eyes.
"Are you sure you don't have a deacon or somebody with you?" Jito inquired.
Father Jone shook his head regretfully.
"Not a soul," he said, "It's a pity it isn't Tuesday – the garbage man might have come along."
Futomi howled with her tears.
"Pity," Jito spoke bitterly.
~ Chapter Six: Them and the Man of the Cloth ~
Soteira and Vegeta wasted no time in the appliance of their sharp Saiyajin senses. Then they sooner traced the whereabouts of the Namekjin to a small chapel just outside of the city. The Namekjin hovered just over the chapel, smirking at the couple. The couple took his challenge, and Vegeta volunteered to fight first. The Saiyajin Prince then demonstrated his recently achieved form of Super Saiyajin. This new form did not amaze the Namekjin, but it dumfounded a priest, a girl, and a boy standing on the steps of the chapel.
"What the…" Jito's eyes were so wide that they looked ready to fall out of his head, "Amazing! They're flying around in the air! And of them has golden hair!"
Father Jone crossed himself.
"That man with the golden hair personifies Lucifer himself," muttered Father Jone.
Futomi gasped.
"A green alien!" she pointed at the Namekjin, "He has antenna!"
Futomi turned to Jito.
"What should we do?"
"Personally, I'd like to call the press," said Jito automatically, "But watching them fight it out is far more interesting…And our wedding, besides."
Futomi's eyes lit up.
"Why don't we ask them to be the witnesses!" Futomi exclaimed.
"WHAT?" burst out Father Jone, "Ask the Devil-lookalike to witness holy matrimony?"
"Well, yeah," said Jito, nodding at Futomi.
Father Jone blanched.
"Well…if you can get them to stop wrecking the trees…"
"Fine," said Jito.
The boy released his sweetheart's hand and went over the threesome.
"Excuse me," Jito spoke loudly.
"Move!" Vegeta elbowed Jito
A few more minutes past before Jito caught his breath.
"OI!" Jito shouted.
Soteira (who wasn't fighting) shot Jito an annoyed look.
"Can't you see we're busy," she said, looking Jito up and down, "Peasant."
"Could you, if you please, be witnesses to mine and my fiancé's wedding?" Jito said politely (and ignoring Soteira's comment), "We could just pop over there and be done with it in a few min…"
"We have no time for such triviality!" Soteira snapped, "Now shove off before we throw you in a tree!"
"Well!" Jito said.
He returned to Futomi and Father Jone. Father Jone shook his head when Jito related the story. Futomi burst into tears again.
"We'll never be married!" she shrieked, "I've always dreamed of marrying you and having a life and hearing the sounds of little Adders tromping around the wooden floors of our little cottage on a hill in the country…Waaaah!"
"Adder?" said a voice, "What sort of a name is that?"
"It's my last name," explained Jito, turning towards the speaker, "We…"
His eyes widened.
"You!"
Soteira looked rather irked.
"Well, I was going to help you so I can return to the fight as fast as possible," she said, then looking at Futomi, "But then after what I have heard from this simpering little ninny, I am not sure I want to…"
"Oh, come off it, Prudence," the green alien appeared behind the lady and grabbed her waist, "You know how much I love weddings…"
He blew into her ear. She threw him a disgusted expression and elbowed him away.
"…And I love french-kissing skunks," she replied.
"Oh, me, too," the Lucifer figure sprung from the shadows, "No, really…"
"How rude!" Soteira's face darkened, "You must have been desperate while I was away…"
"Oh, I was," (Vegeta) said, putting his hand on Soteira's stomach and his mouth close to her ear, "You know that housemaid with the freaky aquamarine hair? She cannot seem to get used to all the attention I give her, and you know the last time we…"
"EXCUSE ME," Father Jone spoke up, "You are to be the witnesses to our wedding?"
"Sure," said the green alien, pushing Vegeta aside and took Soteira by the waist, "As long as you'll do one more…"
"Excuse me," Soteira took a giant step away from him.
"Excuse me," Vegeta said, stepping between them and taking Soteira's hand, "But we're engaged."
"Ahem!" Jito cleared his throat, "Can we get a move on? Our parents might know what Futomi and I are…"
"Okay, then," Father Jone raised his hands and to begin the ceremony.
"Wait!" Futomi spoke up.
Father Jone took in a sharp breath.
"What is it now?" the priest asked little irritably.
"Rings!" Futomi said, "I was going to bring some, but I forgot…"
"We can do without rings," said Jito.
"No, we can't!" Futomi was getting hysterical, "Oh, no, the Fates are against us! We shall…"
"Oh, shut up, you stupid cow," snapped Soteira, reaching for a couple rings on her fingers.
She slipped off two platinum rings with clusters of brilliant-cut diamonds on them. Jito, Futomi, and Father Jone's eyes all simultaneously shot open.
"Hang on!" Jito snatched one of the rings away from Soteira and examined it, "My god! These are platinum!"
"And, are those genuine diamonds!" Futomi gaped in utter awe.
Soteira and Vegeta gave twin smirks.
"Pocket change."
~ Chapter Seven: The Prayer ~
With all vows said and done, Jito and Futomi fled off for a happy life somewhere in the Bahamas. Jito made jewelry and Futomi bred many Adders, most of whom stomped around the wooden-floored house in bare feet and screeching their throats hoarse playing "Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde." They turned out very happy.
Meanwhile, the Namekjin somehow slipped away just before the ceremony ended. Vegeta and Soteira tracked him to a maze of caves, but they did not bother to flush him out. They knew they would fight him another day anyway, so they wandered around the northern mountain forests and talked over the lives before their parting. Soteira told Vegeta about her conspiracy against her father and how she had planned to overthrow the monarchy and establish what humans called 'constitutional monarchy' or something of the kind. Vegeta hardly approved of her activities, and told her so. The princess then tactfully changed the subject, instead of her normal bashing-his-head-in reaction. Vegeta then told Soteira about his travels to Namek, to a remote meteor, and achieving Super Saiyajin.
"Super Saiyajin!" Soeira exclaimed, "I saw you in that form – can any Saiyajin do that?"
"Sure," Vegeta replied, "Goku – that third class idiot – managed to obtain the form by merely training in fifty times the gravity of Earth."
"I want to be Super Saiyajin," Soteira replied automatically, "Teach me."
"What?" Vegeta halted walking.
"Teach me," demanded Soteira in a louder voice, "You did it, Goku did it, now I want to. So…"
"Now hold on," Vegeta said, grabbing her shoulders, "I think it only seems appropriate that…"
"…Only males do this?" snorted Soteira, "Sure. Like I would believe that gobbledegook."
"I know you too well," muttered Vegeta.
"And I do, too," Soteira replied, and kissed him.
~
Bulma had prepared lunch by the time Vegeta and Soteira returned to Capsule Corporation. Bulma, of course, demanded plenty of explanation, and most of it was given. Then came lunch, and then some friends came over: Chi Chi, Roshi, Roshi's turtle, Oolong, Puar, Ox King, and Gohan. More explanations were given, and to much consternation, Soteira was introduced and Vegeta was reintroduced. Much fuss took much time to die down before Bulma finally introduced plans for the future.
"Chi Chi, please shut your mouth and listen," Bulma pleaded, "No, I haven't heard anything from Goku and I'm sure he'll be back before you know it. No, Vegeta's already told you he hasn't heard anything either…Okay, now everyone…"
"Hey there, gorgeous," Roshi said to Soteira, "I don't believe we've been properly introduced…"
"Now that we've all been acquainted with Piccolo's disease," continued Bulma (who shot a side glance at Soteira), "And its origin, let's look over the possibilities of what has made him different…"
Bulma went over the same conclusions Soteira had come to, only in much greater and confusing details. Meanwhile…
Roshi: "Your miniskirt, it's really short…A custom brand…Hot pink…Chadnes, if I'm not mistaken, costing $698…"
Soteira: "It's from Bulma's closet, costing 50 cents for washing and drying it, now what do you want, you smelly little…"
Roshi: "Well I was just wondering – Mmm, you smell nice – if I could, well, look…*drool*…at your magnificent chest?"
Soteira: "…"
Roshi (taking her silence as a 'yes', leans in forward): "Ooh…"
Soteira: (slaps him so hard he flies across the room): "No, you may not."
Roshi (gets up, teeters): "…Ouch."
"…And," Bulma said, her monologue finally finished, "With those laid out, what do you think is the most likely possibility?"
Everyone stared at her, open-eyed.
"Well?" Bulma said.
"I think," said Roshi (who recovers quickly), "That your lacy brazier from Victoria's Secret is quite lovely, my…"
Roshi flew across the room again, this time getting stuck upside-down in a very small trashcan. Bulma took in a few deep breaths.
"As funny as the man who stuck out an unprintable body part, stood at the end of a hall, and pretended to be the door," said Bulma, trying to control herself.
Roshi giggled from the trash can.
"Roshi, that wasn't meant to be funny," said Bulma, "But then again, you'd laugh at a Shakespeare comedy."
Everyone cracked up. It was some time before Bulma could speak again.
"Right," she said, "Now what do you think?"
"I think," said Vegeta, "You like a bird who's just swallowed a plate."
"WHAT?" Bulma said.
"But you do," said Vegeta, "What do you call that?"
"What?" said Bulma, touched a very large ruff around her neck, "Oh, it's my new ruff. And I see you've noticed my newest hat – it's called 'Birds Flock Together'. They're the latest fashions."
She struck a little pose.
"Don't you think I look attractive?" she asked Vegeta in a seductive voice.
"To another plate-swallowing bird, sure," said Vegeta, "Who's just been struck blind."
"HUH!?" Bulma flushed a deep red, then turned to her mother (who had just come into the room), "Ah, Mother…"
"What do you think of the housemaid's new uniform?" Soteira asked Bulma's mother.
"Well," said Bulma's mother carefully, "I think she looks like a bird that's swallowed a plate."
"AGH!" Bulma screamed, "Mother! Do try to think! Thinking is so important, so what do you think?"
Bulma's mother took a moment to reflect.
"I think that thinking is so important," she said, then immediately took leave.
Bulma rushed to the kitchen to swallow some pills. By the time she had gotten back, Soteira had taken over the operations and was explaining to everyone just exactly what had happened to Piccolo.
"Possession is, therefore, the most likely," she said, summarizing her presentation, "The possibilities for a cure are: 1.) We fight the demon into submission; 2.) We force the demon out of his body by beating Piccolo to nearly death; 3.) Find a witch to cast a spell over Piccolo; 4.) Scratch Piccolo with another piece of Nessos stone and perform some alternative then.
"Um," said Gohan, tentatively, "We should try…Option Number Three!"
"But the only witches we know is my sister Hechizar!" said Roshi, "But she barely knows anything, beyond watching her crystal ball…"
"Au contraire," said a voice behind everyone.
Everyone turned around and saw a pink-haired witch floating above the ground.
"Wow, Sissy!" Roshi rushed over to give his sister a hug, "I didn't you know you were…Ribbit!"
She had pointed a finger at him, transforming him into a frog. She then floated past him, her crystal ball in hand.
"We'll just leave him like that for a while," she said, then pointed a finger at a vase.
CRACK! The vase turned into a snake, which hissed and slithered after the Roshi-frog.
"He'll be all right," said Hechizar, "If he gets eaten, we can always turn the snake back into a vase and get him that way."
"No, no," said Bulma and Soteira quickly, "Just leave him that way – forever."
The witch grinned at them, but didn't say anything until she set up her crystal ball.
"Right," Hechizar said, "Do you have any of the Dragon Balls?"
"No," said Bulma, "But that can be easily done."
"Good. You'll need the rest of the warriors – Yamcha, Tienshinhan, Chiatzu, Kuririn – to…"
"Goku isn't dead!" Chi Chi whooped, dancing around the room, "Goku isn't dead after all, YAY!"
"Yes…" continued Hechizar, "Now, the matter with Piccolo is that he's been possessed (which you have already figured out), but I, nor any other magical person on the planet, will be able to help you."
"Who – or what – then?" Soteira said.
Hechizar eyed the princess carefully.
"You like him, don't you," she said suddenly.
"No," Soteira said without hesitation, "He, like the sculptor Pygmalion, cannot bring life to the statue he has fallen in love with. It is no fault of mine I am who I am and attract men I do not know."
"Very well," continued Hechizar, "Liar, we shall see."
She peered into her crystal ball, which appeared to be clear. The witch stared at it for so long that everyone grew bored. Finally, Roshi's sister took a deep sigh and lit an herbal (NO TOBACCO) cigarette.
"It's him," said the witch, "The Elf."
"What Elf?" Vegeta demanded.
"Tybylas," continued the witch, "Brother of Radelas; Tybylas lives in the third region of Hell, Dysodea, which borders the fourth Hell: the Hall of Ice, also known as 'the Icebox'. Only Tybylas would know such secrets of the demon that lives within Piccolo; therefore, he's your only prayer."
She puffed on her cigarette.
"Well?" she addressed Soteira, "Are you up for going?"
"Why me?" Soteira spoke frankly, then sarcastically, "Oh, I understand. Only pure virgins can pass safely through the two other regions of Hell and access the Hall of Ice."
"Um…" said Hechizar, nearly choking on her puff.
"Well, you can forget it," said Soteira, "Because I am neither a virgin or pure – in more ways than one."
"Uh…" said Hechizar, clearing her throat, "I wasn't expecting that…But, no, we're not living in the Dark Ages. You don't even have to be a virgin for getting married anymore…"
"What's a virgin?" Gohan asked.
"Shush!" Chi Chi said sharply to the others, "There's a child here!"
"Well, get him out then," said Vegeta.
Chi Chi glared at him and escorted Gohan out of the room.
"So," said Soteira, then spoke sarcastically, "I don't have to be a virgin. Oh, wow, that is so relieving."
"You just have to powerful," said Hechizar, "You don't know what Hell is like."
"I do," said Vegeta, "But I won't go – not for some stupid Namekjin."
"How kind of you," said Soteira.
Vegeta blew her a kiss.
"I try my best," said Vegeta.
"So," said Soteira, "I am the only one who can do this."
Hechizar nodded.
"That's right."
"And I have to go through Hell."
"Yes."
"And see some Elf I am not acquainted with."
"Yep."
"And wrestle a secret away from him and bring Piccolo back."
"Not wrestle, but that's the general idea."
"I see."
Soteira turned her back on the witch.
"I will do it."
Hechizar started to float away.
"I told you that you were a liar."
Soteira shot a small fireball at the witch. It lit a houseplant (which was right in front of the witch) afire. Bulma shrieked.
"My orchids!" she screamed, but no one listened to her.
Hechizar's head turned slowly to look at Soteira.
"Bumbling, haggle-toothed hag," said Soteira, "I was not lying when I said I do not like Piccolo. You must understand that I am engaged to the Prince of Saiyajins. The only reason I shall take this mission is because I want the Namekjin to serve as Vegeta's best man at the wedding."
"WHAT!?" Vegeta exploded, "THAT FILTHY SWINE!?"
"Yes, him," said Soteira calmly, "Because no one else will."
(Some arguing followed, but Vegeta was eventually defeated.) Hechizar raised her eyebrow.
"Odd reasoning," she said, "I don't believe you."
"Do as you like," said Soteira shortly.
"I'll show you the way to Kami's Lookout," said Hechizar, already at the door.
"No, that's all right," said Soteira, pushing past her, "I have pressing business to attend to."
Hechizar shook her head.
~ Chapter Eight: Angel ~
Meanwhile, the Piccolo-lookalike had settled himself in a vacationing person's flat. He knew of all the events that had happened that day, including Soteira's mission to Dysodea to seek Tybylas. Funnily enough, though, he wasn't pursuing her. He was mixing drinks at the bar by an open window. Soteira flew through the window and landed on the carpeted floor. She could hear "Love" (from the Bridget Jones' Diary soundtrack) playing softly from a boom box nearby as she turned towards the Namekjin.
"Whoever you are," Soteira addressed the Namekjin, "At once, I insist upon a confession universally acknowledged."
"You mean my possession of this body?" said the Namekjin, pouring out Dry Vermouth for himself, "Oh, that is so tedious, Prudence. Why not have a drink – or are you forbidden to do that, also?"
"I am not below drinking my bloody brains out, thank you very much," replied Soteira stiffly and very fast, "In my opinion, you have not lived at all if you have not gotten drunk at least once, though many would oppose me on such an opinion – Whiskey Sour, please."
He promptly complied. After doing so, he carried the two glasses and seated himself just as Soteira was sitting down on a comfy bench. Soteira took a sip of her drink.
"Excellent," she said, "It is not drugged after all."
"It might be," replied he, sipping his drink, "You just not might taste it."
"Really."
She took another sip.
"I would challenge you to a drinking game, but I have other matters to attend to," she said, "Firstly, who are you?"
"Oh, Prudence," said the Namekjin, reaching for her hand, "Why not the other thing first, then names…"
He was just about to kiss her hand when she drew it away from him.
"Your name?" she asked pointedly.
The other had a fanged, very un-Piccolo smile.
"Angel," he said (pronouncing 'an' like 'Dane' and 'gel' as in 'hair gel').
"How impertinent of you to call me more names than I should have," said Soteira.
"Angel is my name," said Angel.
"What sort demon would possess the insanity to have a name like that?"
"Me."
"Fine. I suppose no enemy is perfect. How did you come to possess Piccolo?"
"While he was sleeping, of course. His and Kami's mind were, however, wide-awake, and I had to put up quite a mental battle with them. I am sure you could hear them screaming in their sleep when I finally poisoned his and Kami's mind to overcome both of them."
"I heard," interrupted Soteira, "Where did you come from?"
"Hell," said Angel, "Ironic, is it not?
"What region?"
"The Hall of Ice, that it be."
"It is 'yes, it is', not 'that it be'. You do not have to talk like that to me, for this is not the Dark Ages."
"It will be when I am through with it."
"It will not be when I am through with you, now are you willing to relinquish the possession of Piccolo's body?"
"No, when I can do all sorts of fun things with it."
He tried to kiss her again, but Soteira stood up and walked across the room.
"I am giving the order to relinquish his body now," said Soteira.
The other stood up, but did not move.
"I will be willing," he said, "If you give…"
"I refuse."
"Very well, I shall…"
"…At once to Tybylas."
Soteira strode towards the window. The Namekjin stepped in front of her.
"I am thankful for the drink," said Soteira, "But I…"
She dropped to the floor, dead faint.
~
Soteira blinked. The ceiling was a blinding white, and somebody was kissing her…
"I ORDER YOU TO RELEASE ME!!" shouted Soteira at the top of her lungs.
Angel dropped her on the floor. Soteira stood up and wiped her mouth. She was livid.
"What – did – you – put – in – that – drink!?" she yelled at Angel.
"Nothing, Prudence," said Angel in an oily voice, and kissed her neck, "I only suppose that you are not used to the taste of Whiskey Sour."
"Stupid ass," said Soteira, "How long have I been out?"
"Actually, only five minutes, Sleeping Beauty."
"Plenty of time."
"To do what?"
"You – know – perfectly – well."
"No, I do not."
"Then you are not worth my time – good afternoon."
"Wait – a kiss?"
"Excuse me?"
"For Prince Charming, of course."
"Prince Char – kiss you? I would rather staple my tongue to the floor and have a motor run over it."
"Really."
"No."
"Then?"
"Nothing."
She waltzed to the window and flew out of it, not to been seen there again.
~
Not long after a very ruffled Soteira left the apartment, Angel produced a crystal ball not previously seen before. He peered into it and smiled to himself.
~ Chapter Nine: Latmus ~
Soteira frowned when she saw the Lookout. The appearance of the place itself was all right, but the greeter was a different matter altogether. The greeter was a plump, black genie wearing a turban, with pointed ears, funky shoes, and two arm bracelets on his chubby arms. He also had red fish lips, dark skin, and round eyes. He seemed rather simple looking, so Soteira took no notice of him. Even when he opened his mouth and formed words, she swiftly walked the grounds of the Lookout, trying to look for the one called 'Kami'.
"Miss, miss," the genie said, "Mr. Roshi's sister called me – she said you were coming to see Kami."
The princess began hurrying down a hall of red doors with golden doorknobs. In succession, she'd open one, look in, shut it, and move on to the next door. All the while, she ignored the genie. Meanwhile, he spoke nonstop. That is, until Soteira reached a big yellow door. She reached for the silver doorknob, but the genie gasped and covered her hand with his.
"Don't go…" he mouthed, but Soteira jerked her head and glared at him.
"Unhand the royal personage!" she said loudly.
"Excuse me, miss," said the genie, "Don't go in there – that's Kami's room."
"Ah, just what I'm looking for," said Soteira shortly, "Now – move."
"No, miss…"
Soteira kicked the genie and opened the door.
"What…? Are you jesting?"
The inside of the room was pitch black. Even the light from the hallway barely lit the very floor in front of Soteira. She did not care, however. She had taken only one step into the room when she fell through the floor – literally!
Soteira was free falling in a cold, airy space. She was nearly blinded by flashing lights and her hearing senses overwhelmed by a loud ringing. Her body was being tossed like a rag doll, her head was dizzy, and she had no sense of control.
It was like drowning, only one couldn't think about one could see. There was no life-flashing-before-eyes moment nor about who-or-what-was-most-precious thought. There was only the flailing, the kicking, the concentration of remembering to breathe, and the falling.
Suddenly, Soteira felt herself slow down and finally stop. The lights became dimmer, the ringing ceased, and Soteira became to feel her body readjust to normalcy. She was suspended in a darkened whiteness. There was nothing to see, hear, or even touch. She was still upside-down – or was it right side up? Perhaps she was lying sideways or on her back…What was she? Where was she?
Soteira looked up – or was it down? Confused, she did a forward flip. She remained where she was, but now she was right side up – or down. There was nothing to see: only a brilliant whiteness.
"OI!" Soteira yelled.
The cry echoed, but no one answered. Desperately, Soteira shouted several more times, but each time, her wailing was returned. Soteira sighed, and flipped over backwards. She hugged her knees and closed her eyes. A cold, frigid breeze caressed her cheek. She shivered. It was cold here…
~
What seemed like many hours, Soteira stayed huddled in that calm, white, peaceful, biting, brilliant coldness. She had tried not to think of anything conscious. Rather, she thought of words.
…Glide…Jewelry…Thrive…Fly…Hand…Blue…Peasant…Pine…Silver…Galatea…Pygmalion…Statuesque…
Her muscle tightened.
…Piccolo…
~
Soteira looked up. Her eyes were not hopeful. They were dimmed, and merely wondering whether the noise Soteira heard was real or if she was mad. The noise came again. It was shuffling or rustling or something of the kind. She did not even dare to hope when she heard it for the third, or the fourth, or the fifth time. She deigned herself incapable of such a thing.
~
"Good afternoon, Sleeping Beauty," said Angel, hanging upside down on a silken ladder.
"Eh?" Soteira looked up from her cramped position, "Angel?"
"Sent from above. You're upside-down."
"In this place, it does not matter and nor does anything else."
"This place?"
Angel took a glance around.
"My, you are in deep. I had no idea that Latmus had such depth."
"What?"
"This is what this place is called. It is so named after the mountain where Endymion eternally sleeps."
He smiled a fanged, Angel-smile at her.
"Pity you did not allow true love's first kiss."
Soteira scowled.
"True love? No such thing!"
"You are – an anti-romantic?"
"Allow me to say that I am for 'free love'."
"Ah."
Angel held out his hand. Soteira stared at it.
"Do you not want to be rescued, Prudence?" Angel asked.
"Perhaps," said Soteira, edging a little away from him, "I do not like your tone of voice."
"I am the only one here, Prudence," said Angel, "Out of the many knights who failed to pass the dragon, I have been victorious."
"Good for you, Prince Char," said Soteira shortly, "Now shove off."
"And if I do, you will be left here to slumber – perhaps forever."
"I have a feeling / I will dreaming / And hardly seeing / the white Time fleeing."
"Clever rhyme. My turn: 'There was a girl I thought pleasing / For whom I had a feeling / But she was stubborn / To Latmus did she turn / And now she lay-eth sleeping.'"
"I will not go with you," said Soteira finally, "I know that if I do, I shall owe you a favor."
"Do you not…" began Angel.
"No, I do not."
"…"
"Well? Go away!"
Soteira turned from him as best she could while she was upside-down. The two were silent for a while.
"You know," Angel spoke up, "If this place had a sense of gravity, your very little skirt would be upside-down, and I would…"
"…My panties are light gray, thank you very much."
"This place is awfully private…I am sure you would…"
"No, I would not. If that is the favor you are asking of me…"
"No, it would not be, actually."
"…Really?"
"Really, really."
"All right, then, what is the favor? If I accept it, shall you take me away from this place?"
"I will."
Angel paused, ensuring Soteira's attention. Then he began a short tale:
"I am not a very old demon. I am scarcely older than twice the age of what Piccolo Daimaō…"
Soteira interrupted with a snort.
"And that is not old?"
"Even Piccolo the Elder was not fully demon. He was still a mortal, and all mortals age and die. Demons – they can be born, they can be destroyed, and they can disappear…But age and die? Never! Demons – they are young, they will stay young. Some may take the appearance of old, white-haired men, but that is an illusion. Their powers – raw and light, but grow with flair, flavor, strength and style – such as the way with wine. Not there are not weak demons – those are the ones who wither and eventually disappear from existence."
Soteira rolled her eyes. Angel took the hint.
"But I digress. About two generations ago, I was alive and well in my own body. My life was at its peak of pleasure. There were plenty of women – though hardly compare to you, Prudence – and there was Pyrene. My, she was a beauty!"
"A light, hazel haired girl with an aura of gold, pale skin, clear blue eyes, and freckles. She was about the most petite girl I had ever held in my arms. You might think she would break into a thousand pieces if I dropped her…Oh, yes, but she was a true naïveté. Frustration! She knew nothing of the world apart from the pretty little meadow where I always met her."
"I figured she would be hardly different from all the other virgins I have slept with. Little did I know she was the daughter of a river goddess, who was the niece to a guard who worked for King Enma. When I seduced Pyrene, she went sobbing to her mother and I was eventually struck with a bolt of lightning sent by King Enma."
Soteira interrupted again.
"I am not surprised," she said, "It should have served you rightly."
"Well, I certainly did not appreciate being struck with lightning," said Angel crossly, "And it bloody well hurt if that would make you happy!"
He pouted for a few moments, and Soteira smiled. Upon seeing her smile, Angel broke into a grin. Soteira's smile instantly disappeared.
"The lady smiled," said Angel.
"For a moment," said Soteira shortly.
"A rare moment indeed."
"Only to laugh at your foolery."
"Mayhap I shall make a face again to make you laugh."
"Not one chance."
"To win you dear heart is all I wish."
"Well, charming Casanova, you are not my dish."
"And it's no wonder that I like you as I do, cause I have to say in every way you are just too, too!"
"Quit singing and continue your story."
"All right – so I was struck by lightning. That bolt of lightning split me in two – my body went one way, and I (whatever you like to call it – spirit, essence, etc.) another. The bolt also opened a hole in the ground into Hell. I watched my body fall through the hole and descend into the Hall of Ice. That is where it remains to this day."
"And you want me to go and retrieve your body for you, like a common dog."
"Exactly like a common dog."
"I will not do it."
"Then I will never leave this body. And the world shall be doomed."
"It will be doomed whether or not I procure your corpse."
"I return Piccolo."
These words struck Soteira silent. Angel grinned.
"So you do like him after all."
"I do not," she replied curtly.
"Liar, liar, Prudence," said Angel.
"If you ever knew me at all, Char, the first thing you should know is that I never admit that I like anyone. The very thought of revealing and bearing my secrets and my soul is utter nonsense and is a waste of time, emotion, and useless tears. The whole idea that I like, much less care for, Piccolo is mysteriously and curiously conjured up in your own working, imaginative mind. Besides, even if the favor was for Piccolo, I simply will not do it. It is highly offensive my personage, it…"
"I can always find another body to do this task for me."
"Eh? What did you say? What do you mean?"
Angel's eyes glittered maliciously.
"As much as I adore possessing this body, Prudence, it simply cannot do for conquering the world for my own. There is Vegeta, after all, and Goku will be tripping along any day now…"
"Are you MAD?"
"I am – madder than Mad Jack MacMad, last year's winner of 'Who's the Maddest Madman in the Whole Mad Lot of Madland'."
"Oh my god! Fine…"
She bit her lip. The words came so slowly that Angel asked her to repeat it.
"I…will…do…it…"
"Do what?" Angel teased.
"…Get…Your…Stupid…Rotting…Ugly…Fat-faced…Short…"
"Hey!"
"…I am not finished…"
"That is enough!"
"Do not boss me around! Fine – your stupid corpse I will retrieve from the stupid Icebox of Hell, are you satisfied?"
"Yes."
"Good. Now carry me out of this hellhole."
~
Notes:
Wanker – 'sissy' Shove off – a very rude way of saying 'go away' Credits to Ben Elton and Richard Curtis, the writers of "Blackadder"; to all the actors of "Blackadder"; a anonymous friend (whom I have shamelessly and mortifyingly embarrassed countless times, both online and offline). Apologies to Shakespeare – mostly. Credits to Tybylas – an actual elf in a human body.