Warning/Note:
Dark, angst, sap, fluff, mushiness, frustration, sadness... just a mix of things. Also, sorry for any OOC-ness. I tried my best to keep them the way they are, but made minor [if not major] adjustments to suit the story. This chapter is from nobody's point of view. [GojyoxSanzo + SanzoxHakkai]

Disclaimer:
I don't own the characters, just the story [or at least just the words that formed the sentences].

~~~~~

[I miss the little things,
oh I miss everything]

"Sanzo..." said a voice. A voice so calm, so loving he waited patiently for an answer.

"Hmm?" he grunted in an inquiring manner, a response completely opposite from the other's.

Two young lovers sat beneath an old shady cherry blossom tree that grew beautifully by the side of the lake, very well taken cared of by selected gardeners to maintain the city's most distinguished park. The air was still cool, in spite of the scorching midday sun. With them shaded from the sun's rays, and the coolness emanating from the lake mixing with the gentle warm breeze, this was what they were looking forward to. They and many other lovers, waiting for the season of love. It had been a cold, bitter winter the last couple of months and it was finally over.

The lake thawed progressively over the days prior to this day, now it was almost picture perfect. Complete with the returned ducks and swans now swimming, luscious greenery on the boundaries and beyond the lake and little white flowers starting to take bud. Some already eager to bloom, as though they've waited all their non-existent lives for this day. This perfect day where the heavens be in only one pure tint of royal blue, not a trace of white to be seen.

Hakkai laid his head on Sanzo's lap, the latter's hand placed snugly on the former's on chest. "Are we going out tonight?" he asked.

"Mm hmm..." came yet another monotonous grunt.

Green eyes looked up hoping to meet lavender, belonging to the man whose lap he lay upon, but only to blocked by a thick book. Sanzo, engrossed in his book, didn't pay much interest to the questions. Hakkai frowned and tried to get his attention again. "I hope we're not going to that same restaurant you chose the last time. The staffs were giving us funny looks. Oh, these poor narrow-minded people. I heard about this new place, quite good... by the sea. You're fine with seafood right?"

"Mmm..."

Hakkai, a little more than annoyed with the one-liners he got, clicked his tongue as he thought up of another method. A mischievous grin played on his lips when an idea came to him. "Saaannnn-niiiichaann!!" he wailed aloud, pouting his lips as though he was a kid.

Sanzo jumped, the book flying out of his hands and onto the ground. "Hakkai..!!" he exclaimed in a loud whisper, as if trying to shush him.

In the same loud irritating gaki [childish] manner he continued, "What did you mean last night when we were in bed that you wanted to put your mmppffhhh hmmphhh..." Sanzo clasped Hakkai's mouth shut before any classified details about last night's frivolities were revealed.

"Oi... are you crazy??" he looked around to see if anyone was in hearing distance from where they were. He stared back at the man on his laps in disbelief, only to find him laughing uncontrollably back at him.

"Ceh... baka [idiot]. And how many times have I told you not to call me that?" Sanzo tried to look dangerously at Hakkai, but failed to get his message across when the brunette still giggled... wiping off a tear from laughing too hard. A small smile curled up one side of Sanzo's lips, he couldn't stay angry with him. He just couldn't.

They gazed at each other's eyes, amethysts upon emeralds, for one silent moment. Hakkai brought his hands to his lover's face as he sat up, removing the glasses before bringing their faces closer so that he could drown himself in the brilliant pools of purple. "Aishiteru... Sanzo," he whispered before he brushed his lips lightly upon the other's. "I don't know what I'd ever do without you."

Sanzo wrapped his arms around Hakkai and hugged him closer as he kissed him. Hearts pounding beneath chests against each other, lips meshed so hard to be one... muffled gasps for air escaped them. They didn't want to let got of each other. Not now, not ever. The emotions that poured out of their souls that very moment trickled down Hakkai's cheeks. The fear that this is all a dream they will have to wake up from someday, the thought that this is all too good to be true.

The fair-haired man broke their kiss when he felt the warm trails of tears. He frowned, questioning the dark-haired man in his arms. But a smile was returned, in spite of the saddened look his green eyes carried. He brushed away the stubborn tears that hadn't left his cheeks and placed a small peck on it.

"I love you too," he said in a low voice.

"Good!" Hakkai said wholeheartedly. Smiling more genuinely than ever. "So, San-niichan meeting me at seafood restaurant at eight tonight, ne?" He giggled at the expression Sanzo gave.

"Aa, aa... I'll see you there then. Now let me finishing reading my book in peace."

Hakkai lay back down on Sanzo's lap as the latter resumed his pursuit. Sounds of birds sang merrily above them. A gush of strong wind sent small petals of cherry blossoms flying across Hakkai's face. He chuckled to himself, picking one of the petals and holding it above his face. "A beautiful day today, isn't it?" he asked in a more cheerful ambiance, sighing as he exhaled a deep breath.

"Mmm..."

The night arrived, but he never came. He waited all night at restaurant, but he never showed up. He'd called Hakkai's house tens of times, but only to be greeted by an answering machine. He tried to reach him on his cellular phone, but yet another recorded voice disclosing his unavailability. Everything that should have been, had a "but" to follow in. He became impatient, couldn't wait anymore. The feeling of dread washed over him, as the waves washed over the beach endlessly. Did he get lost? He prayed for Hakkai to be okay, he wanted to see him so badly just to be sure nothing had happened. He wanted to drive around to look for him, but where would he start?

Then all of a sudden his cell phone rings. He clumsily tried to press the answer button but missed a couple of times. He took a deep breath to compose himself and then gently pressed the correct button. The call had been from a hospital nearby. Sanzo was written in the hospital records as the next of kin to be contacted in case of an emergency. The call was without a doubt one wished he would never have to answer. A call that was just the as difficult for the caller to make.

Hakkai had met in an accident and couldn't be saved...

***

[You take me in
no questions asked,
you strip away the ugliness
that surrounds me]

Two figures, drenched in the blistering cold rain, frozen in their places as time deliberately dragged itself painstakingly slow. No one budged, no one made a sound... the cemetery certainly lived up to it's purpose, ironically. Numbing sounds of pitter-pattering from the rain splashed to the ground, slight thunders shaking the air, and the occasional desperate need of air being sharply sucked in as their wet lips quivered from the cold. That night had been a rare one indeed. One would call one-too-many coincidences as strange, or perhaps a set-up by unworldly forces... may it be good or evil, is there really any difference?

What coincidences? The fact that their meeting was somewhat out of the ordinary, followed by unexpected events... and a number of memories painfully brought up for one in particular only to lead them to the grounds of the dead. Who would have thought such queer endeavors would all take place in this one predestined night. Or is there someone not telling us about the secrets behind the laws of reality?

As creepy as the place was, he felt a tug of deja vu pulling the strings that basted at the back of his mind. Rain... something a little uncanny about it. The worst things happen when it rains. And then watching a man helpless in front of his eyes, he didn't want to go there. He didn't want to approach him, but he had to. It was his duty, at least...and he wanted to at the same time. The tall man crouched next to the other, waiting for a response or some movement to show that the smaller man was aware of where he was or at least that there was someone there. He placed his hand on the blonde man's shoulder, shaking it slightly as he tried to bring him back to reality.

Reality... once again, do we really trust it? Are we really better off living under such circumstances where we can't live as we please but being deceived to think that we are? Who needs to live when life is taken from us when we need it the most? If a world was created without rules, without false impressions, where everything is true to the core and our existence is not a lie... then... the reason for him to still be in this world... wouldn't have died.

"Sanzo?" a mere whisper, so soft, so careful as if any louder would break a glass. Gojyo squeezed his shoulder and pleadingly called for him again. "Let's go back... okay?" he held Sanzo's arm and started pull him upwards but only slipped out of his hand as the blonde jerk it away suddenly.

"I don't need your pity," he answered bitterly. But if one had sharp hearing skills, he would have discovered sorrow being vainly suppressed beneath the bitterness. "And I'm capable of getting up myself."

Gojyo didn't respond to his snappy comment, maybe because he knew better. He started to exit the cemetery, but not before making an offer to Sanzo. "I'm heading back... I ain't planning to fall sick. If you want, you can dry up or change or something before you go home... and perhaps take your shoes you left at my place?"

Sanzo looked at his feet only to realize how true Gojyo's words were. He'd dash out the apartment barefooted, emotions wildly taking over his mind... what had gone into him he wondered. He took one last longing look at Hakkai's grave, closed his eyes and hoped he was somewhere better off than this fucked up place people called earth. Their home, their world. In such illusions we reside. Ignorantly we exist, only to think that the more we had... the happier we'd be, but what about for those who knew it was all too good to be true? That these possessions don't mean a thing anymore. All that matters in life that fills the void in our hearts is the one you love and that one and only one you love the most.

He took one heavy step, heavy as his heart had felt, the true weight he'd been avoiding... neglecting to nurse since a part of him tragically left... he just wanted to curl up and slowly disappear into nothingness. Feelings. We should never allow it to rule our hearts. Never enjoy the bliss of it all because in the end, it doesn't really matter. We lose everything, all purpose of living especially if everything is just that one thing you ask from God to give you but he takes it back... leaving you with nothing.

That one heavy step followed by another and another; only to trail behind in the footsteps of a stranger he'd only just met.

The rain had lessened; permitting the two souls to return home safely. They walked quietly, absorbed in one's own thoughts on the way back, Sanzo all the while keeping at a fair amount of distance behind Gojyo. He'd dodged people who pried into his business. That is only until Hakkai came along.

Gojyo entered his unlocked apartment, heading for his room. He gave the place a once over, nothing seemed to have been missing since he left hurriedly after Sanzo. When he came out of the room, he was holding two towels and a set of clothes. He was about to throw the towel in a playful manner at Sanzo to try to liven things up a little but stopped when he noticed the ashen blonde still standing at the door, outside of the apartment. His heart clenched slightly at the sight before him. A small pool of water already gathered at his feet, the motionless being just stood there. Clothes soaked, hugging to the skin... hair gone astray, some clinging his cheeks... and his eyes, void of any emotion other than desolation. Despair, forlorn and ashamed.

The ruby-eyed man walked towards Sanzo and pushed the towel at his chest. "Here, go get yourself dried. There's a change of clothes for you on the bed in my room. You can use the bathroom attached in the room itself. Actually, I think you need to use it. I'll be in the other room. Hot water is instant, so just turn on the red switch when you use the shower."

With that, Gojyo reached for the door, now behind Sanzo, and closed it. As he turned to walk away, he heard an indistinct word. Just one word to make the stuffy air surrounding them feels lighter. A simple word said with such difficulty yet so powerful in meaning, "Thanks." Gojyo smiled inwardly, surprised perhaps... but then again, anything could be expected with this other being in his house.

As if in slow motion, he could see the hot water spurt out of the showerhead fall upon him. Drop by drop it caressed his tensed muscles, relaxing them as he slowly gave in to the warmth it provided. He felt a little more reassured now, safe, that it wasn't the cold rain hammering on him. Sanzo positioned his hands on the wall, which the showerhead protruded, shifting some of his weight onto it as he allowed the high-pressured water pound numbingly against his head. Drowning out any sounds that he could possibly hear with the sounds from the rushing water.

If tears could build a stairway and memories a lane, I would walk right up to heaven and take you back again.

Reminiscences of his deceased lover resurfaced again. How he wished he were still alive. At the same time wishing he'd never met him. If he knew Hakkai was going to leave so soon, would he have wanted to spend those intimate moments with him? Would he have wanted to spend the time listening to his lover's thoughts on life and the little things that made him happy? Would he have regretted if he didn't?

Sanzo tried to stifle a sob, swallowing the lump quickly forming in his throat. 'Not now... not here! Not yet' he screamed in his head. He only gasped for more air as he tried to control the sudden urge to collapse. Who would catch him? Who would help him up when he's down on his knees? He looked up, water spattering onto his face. He tried to figure out why he was in such a vulnerable state. A vulnerable pathetic state.

Since that fatal day, he never spent to time to mourn Hakkai's death. He'd bury it deep in back of his mind and almost believed that his passing never affected him. That it never really happened. Until tonight that is, when he met Gojyo. The haunting look in his eyes was actually the same look in the emerald eyes he'd so often found comfort in. It sent an indirect message to Sanzo, telling him that he knows there's more than he is willing to tell. The way the long-haired man had handled him in their heated passion a couple of hours earlier somehow reminded him of the manner in which he'd sometimes held Hakkai. Like he was a delicate, thin piece of glass. 'Was that how he felt like?' he wondered.

Flashes of Hakkai's pale frozen face crossed his mind. The last time he saw him before the funeral. After the call, he'd gone straight to the hospital, driving like a mad man, chanting, "this cannot be happening" over and over again. He was asked to come in to identify the body. Body? How could they call him that? He was a wonderful person, the greatest being he had known to exist, and dare they refer to him with such degradation? Is that what we are once we leave the world? A mere lifeless container to just get rid off as soon as possible, that no one has any more respect for?

When he was there, all alone... by himself, he finally did identify him. Hakkai. His pale face, looking even paler than before. Brilliant jades closed as though he was in deep slumber, ironically never to wake up again. They left Sanzo with the deceased alone in the room. The cold, cold room. The feeling of loss and loneliness was even harder to overcome when everything in the room was white, steely and ...dead. Nobody was there for him. Nobody to console his soul. Because the only one who did, and ever would, offer comfort was lying motionless in front of him. He had nobody else.

***

[Are you an angel,
am I already that gone
I only hope that I won't disappoint you,
when I'm down here on my knees]

Gojyo sat on the three-seater in the living room, the same one just hours ago they were making out on, waiting for Sanzo to appear. He'd already finish taking a bath and had made a cup of hot coffee each for the both of them. "Strange..." he murmured to himself. It was already four in the morning and the chain of bewildering events continued to amaze him.

"What's strange?" a deep voice from behind questioned him.

He turned his head around, watching Sanzo make his way to sit next to him on the couch. The clothes he'd let him use were obviously big for him. The long sleeves almost covered his fingers, the collar of the shirt falling to one side... revealing one part of his shoulder. Hair so frizzy, it laid apart, some jutting out. "Everything..." he sighed, sinking deeper into his seat. "That's yours if you want it," Gojyo pointed at the mug of steaming coffee on the table before them.

Sanzo stared at the mug, watching the steam curl up and then dissipate into the air. He clasped his hands around it, allowing heat warm his trembling hands before bringing it to his lips. Gojyo watched him take a small sip, testing the temperature and then resumed drinking with bigger sips. "Have you never seen a person drink coffee before?"

"Heh... I have...," but Gojyo didn't finish his sentence. He fished at the corners of the seat, finding a pack of cigarettes he'd normally left there for convenience sake. Placing one stick in his mouth he offered the rest to Sanzo. He looked from the corner of his lavender eyes at the packet for a second, contemplating.. but looked away, refusing the offer.

"You don't smoke?" he asked as he lit up the cigarette dangling between his lips.

"I used to..."

The crimson-haired man sighed as he blew a puff of smoke towards the ceiling.

"That's because... he asked me not to, a long time ago... I just never did 'til..." Sanzo trailed off. He took another sip, swallowing down the lump that started to grow again in his throat, soothing the dryness of it at the same time.

"Oh..." he replied. He had many questions buzzing in his head. So many things he wanted to know. "So... it was him whom you thought was me when I... snuck up behind you?"

"So? Does it make any difference? Why do you even care?" lavender eyes glared at red with a slight hint of fury.

Gojyo took a deeper drag from his cigarette to calm his nerves. He kept quiet, not retorting again to the snappy come back. If there's only one thing that helps to cover up one's true feelings, it would be anger. The rage Sanzo was displaying was obviously unintentional. Besides, what does Gojyo really care anyway? He's just some stranger he met at the club and brought him back to his place. That was it. He could've just left him in the rain, to rot in his sorrow, and save himself the trouble of helping him. But instead, he just had to. "Sorry, didn't mean to pry. And honestly, I don't really care either. Just thought... "

"Thought what? That you could act all macho and think you could help me? Well, thank you but I don't need it. All people have ever done for me after he died was pity and pretended they cared. Do you know how sick it is? To watch all that hypocrisy. The way they think they understand how I feel. Like HELL they do."

The palm of one hand came in contact with the unstable man's face, knocking the wind out of him for a moment. The slightly shocked man held his face, the spot that now stung and flushed red from the heat. Sanzo gritted his teeth and with both hands heading for Gojyo's neck, he plunged forward sending the redhead to fall on his back. Gojyo caught his wrists in time, holding them away from his face as the other man continued to struggle to reach, profanities spilling from his mouth.

"Why you son-of-a-bitch... how dare you?!" he screeched at the man under him.

"Shhh... the neighbors will hear you," surprisingly Gojyo was smiling. He knew very well he was stronger than Sanzo and can over power him any time he wanted to.

"FUCK you!!" he hissed back.

Gojyo pushed him back so that they now sat facing each other. He held Sanzo's hands down in front of him. "Look..." he began but got interrupted when the blonde tried to attack him again. "Will you settle down already. Look..." he began again, this time staring straight into Sanzo's eyes and in a more serious tone. "I just wanted to help you because I just do. Okay? Does there really have to be a reason? And talking about him helps. Helps you in this case." Sanzo looked on, fidgeting as he listened to Gojyo explain.

"Mom died just a few years ago. Houran was the only person that kept me sane. You see these scars? I did it to myself. I mutilated my face because people said I'd looked like her and couldn't bare to see myself in the mirror." Silence floated in the air for a minute or so before Gojyo let Sanzo's wrists go. Then he asked a question. A question that probably stroked more than just a few chords in Sanzo. A question that saw right through his bricked wall of a facade. "You haven't mourned for his death yet, have you?"

"No and I don't want to talk about it. Just... just leave me alone," he spoke unsteadily.

"Whatever you say. I'm going to bed then," the taller man stretched his arms above his head and made his way to the bedroom. At the door he turned around to ask Sanzo if he wanted to share the bed but was immediately given the answer no. He was fine with the couch.

"If you need anything, even if it's an ear to bleed..." but he didn't need to finish his sentence because Sanzo understood.

The lights were off and Sanzo laid on the settee unable to sleep. He stared into the darkness thinking about everything. About Hakkai, Gojyo, what had happened in the past, what just took place. The heavy feeling circled his heart again. It felt cold but not foreign. He went through this almost every night and has yet to grow accustomed to it. Every night expecting Hakkai to walk into his room smiling and jokingly say that he left for a while and got lost, and now he was back... for good.

He let out a frustrated sigh and stood up from his makeshift bed. He walked quietly over to Gojyo's room and peered in from the partially opened door at the silhouette of a still form on the bed. His heart ached again. He moved towards the edge of the bed and stood there for a moment. 'Just once... let go of your ego' he told himself. Gently he moved the covers and slid underneath it. He faced Gojyo, whose eyes were already open, and apologized for waking him up. Apologized the troubles he'd caused that night and for not finishing off what they'd started. For the abrasive words he used and for his ego when did not accept the fact he was wrong.

"If there's one thing he taught me and I'll never forget, it was that asking for forgiveness is more rewarding than not... even if it was the hardest words to express," said Sanzo.

Gojyo wrapped one arm around Sanzo and brought him closer. Slim pale fingers clutched at his shirt. He pressed his face closer into Gojyo's shoulder, burying his head in the crook of the redhead's neck, breathing deeply as tears welled up in his eyes again. This time, unlike many other times, he didn't hold it back in. As he reflected on the things he did together with his late lover, he missed his presence even more. The deep shades of green that defined his enigmatic eyes, the sweet smells of his freshly washed brown hair, the touch of his delicate pale skin, his charming melodious voice that occasionally lulled him to sleep... it is all merely a memory.

"It's okay," Gojyo would whisper every now and then, because it was the only words he could think that would ease his pain and also because anything louder would be sacrilege. As more tears fled the dams through whatever that was left of the night, it soon diminished as dawn appeared. Dark orange light fled through a tiny gap the curtains left upon the two sleeping men. A light to mark the beginning of a new day. And a light to perhaps mark the beginning of a new life.

[And I don't understand
by the touch of your hand,
I would be the one to fall.

I miss the little things,
oh I miss everything

It doesn't mean much...
Sweet Surrender...]

The End.

Author's note:
My first reaction when I finally completed this was "Oh my god... it's done!" Still recovering from the fact that it IS done. Hope you readers liked it. This is probably the most effort I've ever put into a story and the longest chapter as well. So, if you would so kindly please leave a remark, be it flames or praises, I would extremely appreciate it... even if it is just one word. Thank you to those who reviewed the first two chapters, and thank you to those who will.

Serena, this chapter is for the layout you made for me and the reminders to finish it. Thank you so very much! :)