COMFORT
DISCLAIMER: All the usual disclaimers apply here.
SUMMARY: This short piece is set immediately after Taking the Stone. Crichton belatedly tries to support Chiana after Nerri's death.
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Crichton sat in his chamber thinking about Chiana. She had been very quiet since they had returned from the Royal Cemetery planet. Initially she had been on a high, buzzing from the adrenaline rush of the dive into the sonic net. Or whatever the Nebari equivalent of adrenaline was. Then on the journey back to Moya she had gradually slipped into an almost meditative state. Most un-Chi-like. She had spent the last solar day in her room, not even joining them for meals.
Aeryn had made it quite clear that she felt he had dealt with the whole situation badly. At the time he had disagreed with her vehemently. Now he saw that his behaviour had been erratic to say the least. Had he really been so dumb as to play Russian roulette with those magic mushrooms that Molnon had given him?
His head was feeling unusually clear today. He realised that it hadn't been so clear for quite some time; he was constantly pushing things to the edge, his behaviour was becoming more and more self-destructive. What the Frell was up with him lately?
He knew that he owed Chiana one Hell of an apology; he'd been really unsupportive of her when she had heard about Nerri. He thought that they had made it up before leaving the planet, but she had turned cold on him again afterwards. He was stupid to think that the support he had given her after she had jumped could make up for things.
He decided to go and see how she was doing. As he walked along Moya's corridors he thought about Nerri. This led to him thinking about his own sisters. How would he have felt if he had found out that, say, Livvy had died, with him so far away and powerless, not able to say goodbye? He couldn't bear to contemplate it. Getting news of your sibling's death was one thing, but to have a Life Disc inside you and to feel it stop must be agonising. Almost like your heart stopping with theirs. When his mother had died… He shook his head; he wasn't going to think about that, not now. He really was self-absorbed lately; he needed to make more of an effort with the others.
He reached the open door of Chiana's chamber and looked in. She was sitting cross-legged in the centre of her bed.
"Hey Pip, want some company?"
"Not really, no." Said Chiana without enthusiasm.
"You're really pissed at me, aren't you Chi? I'm really sorry; I know I deserve a good slap. You came to me for support and I let you down. I've been kinda self-obsessed lately, I know. There's something up with me, but I'm not sure what it is. Look there I go again, me, me, me! Anyway, I'm currently experiencing a moment of clarity and I realise that I owe you an apology. I'm very, very sorry, Pip, forgive me?"
"I was desperate, Crichton, I was crying, and you didn't even look at me, you just brushed me off. You're right; you have been acting weird lately, even by your usual standards. You tried to kidnap me for Frell's sake. I thought I could rely on you to understand what I was going through, but you really disappointed me."
Crichton tried to swallow, but there was a huge lump in his throat. She had been crying and he hadn't even noticed. He felt like a real piece of dren. As if a cheer of encouragement after she jumped, and a few kind words as she buried the Life Disc could make up for that. He had let her down so badly.
"I know. I don't know what to say except that I didn't want to lose you. I dealt with the whole thing really badly. I was a dumb Frellnik and I really am truly sorry."
He bowed his head and put a mock-sorrowful puppy dog expression on his face.
"Please forgive me?" He asked again.
"Okay, okay, I do forgive you, but you really hurt me. You have got some serious making up to do, old man. Now come in and sit down. You owe me a hug." She patted the bed next to her.
Crichton came into the chamber and sat down on the bed directly behind her. He put his hands on Chiana's arms and she moved back against him, leaning on his chest, his legs around the outside of hers. He put his arms around her body and held her hands.
"A bit late I know, but do you wanna talk?"
"About what?"
"Nerri, you, the sonic net, anything at all. I want to help if you'll let me. I haven't shown it very well lately but I do really care about you and it hurts me to see you so low." He said, kissing her head affectionately.
"Thanks for the offer, but you know me, I don't do 'talking about stuff' very often. The moment has passed, you missed it. I'll sort this out in my own way." She replied.
Crichton knew he deserved that.
"Okay. If you're sure that's what you want. As long as you know that if you change your mind I'm here." He offered.
"The truth is I'm not ready to do this yet. I just need time. I'm not ready to let go of Nerri. He's my only link to my past, and I always thought he would be somewhere in my future. He was a major part of all my plans, all my dreams. Without him I don't have anyone. I…" Chiana's eyes filled with tears.
"You do Pip, you have all of us. We may not be family in the same way as Nerri, but we all love you and we will be there for you, I promise." Crichton said, squeezing her hands tightly.
Crichton felt terrible. She was suffering so much and he knew exactly how she felt, but he also knew from bitter experience that there was no way to lessen her pain. It would take a long time for her to start to heal.
"It will get better Chi, not now, not yet, but the pain will lessen and one day it will be bearable. Do you want me to leave you alone for a while?"
"No, don't go. Stay here with me like this. Let's just sit quietly, okay?"
"It's the least I can do."
Crichton moved back against the wall and Chiana shuffled back with him. She sighed deeply and closed her eyes. Crichton closed his too and they were both soon lost in their own thoughts of loss and pain.
They were still in the same position when D'Argo came to look for them an arn later, but both their faces were wet with tears.