* * * * Disclaimer in Part One *****
Severus Snape woke up feeling far more refreshed and happy than he had in years. His euphoria was shortly lived however, when he looked around the rooms, he felt that something wasn't right. There was far too much black and not enough…..pink. Yes that was it. What this place needed was a good dash of the peppiest color in all of the world.
"Peptobismaltisis!" Snape shouted, and was instantly rewarded with everything pink. The bed covers were a soft pink while the curtains on his bed were now a lovely shade of shocking pink. Once Severus had turned every piece of furniture into various shades of pink he immediately skipped-before catching himself for being totally out of character and began to stalk towards the Slytherin common room.
When he was satisfied that the common room and all of Slytherin's students were cleaned up to his liking he ordered them off to breakfast. Severus had more important matters on his mind that day and summoned a piece of parchment and a quill. He penned his thoughts down in what was sure to win Hermione's love. After all, he was Severus Snape, wordsmith and master of the Queen's English. The young woman would melt like a chocolate frog left in the sun.
With the confidence of a man who always got what he wanted, Severus Snape strode to the owlery before entering the Great Hall. When he did, it was in utter chaos. Hysterical laughter from three tables and a jumble of hexes from the other greeted him. 'Sonarus' He muttered with his wand at his throat.
"Those who find the Slytherin's attire amusing shall owe me a 10 inch essay on the color pink. It is clearly the most superior color which none of your feeble minds could possibly comprehend. In addition, should I hear any remakes made further on this topic, a deduction of 20 points and two days' detention shall transpire." Severus announced silkily.
His speech over he walked to the head table in all his pink-robed glory. "Honestly Albus, could you not intervene or must I act as school disciplinarian?"
"These things are best left alone my dear boy. Children flourish best if unattended." Albus said in what he apparently thought was a wise-tone of voice.
"How did you get elected as Headmaster?" Snape asked nastily.
"I won a game of Gobstones, and Gandalf was on a quest to find a ring and a hobbit." Albus said brightly.
Snape shook his head and turned his attention to his breakfast.
"Good Morning Severus." Remus Lupin greeted the surly potions master.
"There is nothing inherently good about morning. Being a total pouf and a werewolf you should understand that."
Remus looked puzzled, it wasn't like Snape to be incorrect in his insults. His entire brand of sarcasm revolved around cutting the person down for the things they were insecure about in the first place. "What precisely are you implying?"
"Don't play dumb, that's your partner's job." Severus said without looking at the bewildered werewolf.
"Severus, I'm not a ho-"
"Remus, save your breath for someone who pretends to care. What you and Black get up to you is no secret. Then again, you are known for attempting to keep things in the closet aren't you?" Severus said in a lazy, yet scathing voice.
Whatever Remus was about to retort was cut off when the daily mail began to arrive. The ruffled Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher was soothed immediately when he saw his latest copy of 'Werewolf's Anonymous' had arrived. Remus quickly tore into the latest article about research to find a cure for the unwilling werewolf.
Severus' attention meanwhile was focused on a brown haired Gryffindor who had just received her owl. He stared earnestly waiting to see her reaction. Luckily for him, Hermione couldn't read very well unless she mouthed the words at the same time so he could follow along.
Dearest Hermione,
I have fallen truly, madly, and deeply in love with thee. I myself am not completely certain how it came about as ordinarily I am repulsed by your very presence, but all of that has changed. Your voice is melodious and sensual, not irritatingly perky. Your hair is curly, not busy, and your annoyingly superior attitude is simply the air of one who in fact is superior.
I admit that this turnabout is most unexpected, but I should venture that perhaps it's not unwelcome. I trust that you are not still involved with that Victor Krumbcake, as he most fortunately took a bludger to the head and never woke up. I believe that I am a much more adequate suitor than a Bulgarian any day.
I look forward to you melting into my arms immediately after reading this letter, which is what is expected of course. And I assure you that should the planned course of events be altered in any way, Gryffindor shall loose a significant amount of house points. However, I believe that the way to a woman's heart is through words. Therefore I have taken great care to compose a poem for you my dear.
Hermione, Hermione
Your image here, on my knee
Fules thee, me, me, me to-
dreams that abound so sexily
Oh Hermione, Hermione
Please come to my winery
We shall make love, oh so finely
Hermione, Hermione.
Yours in Love,
Severus Penelope Snape.
P.S. Nobody knows about my middle name, should it be found floating around the school all of a sudden, you will serve a week's worth of detention-in my chambers where I can keep a better eye on that mouth of yours.
Hermione looked up, searching for the pink-clad Potions Master and burst out laughing. Tears began pouring down her face in a matter of seconds, and Snape swept over to her almost as fast. "Miss Granger 200 points from Gryffindor and you will serve detention with me tonight. Wear something, nice," he said, as his eyes looked her up and down.
With that he was gone, leaving Hermione confused as whether to keep laughing or start screaming.
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A/N: I know the poem could be construed as OOC, but part of the point was to make Snape who is so often described as a great wordsmith to be a really, really TERRIBLE poet.
; )