/ This is an old fic of mine (wrote it before " The price of silence"), inspired by a friend's favorite dw yaoi couple. I spent pretty much time on this story but I thought it wasn't bad when finished. I hope you will like it //
Heartfelt confessions
He had to admit it. It wasn't the first time he couldn't concentrate on what he was studying or his teacher's instructions. No matter how hard he tried, these thoughts and emotions would come to invade his mind again.
His hand pushed away some bangs that were bothering him and sighed in desperation.
'' I cannot understand. But I am well aware that I shouldn't, it's certainly not right to have these thoughts. But I have them; there's a part in me telling me that I can't fight it, that there's no real need to do it and the other which telling me to pull myself together. What should I do? How can I know what is right?''
The two open books on the table seemed to drag him off from his thoughts. He leaned closer and tried to read.
'' Hmmm... my Master told me to study these pages and I know this is the least I can do for now. I should have listened his last instructions instead of thinking about-''
The flow of thoughts was choked down immediately; oh, that torturing truth, he knew well how difficult it was to face it, so he tried to hide it even from himself. But not always.
Jiang Wei rested his palm on his forehead and closed his eyes for a few minutes.'' Try to forget about it...at least for now'' he said gently to himself and made a good effort to start reading the passages of the book. It was completely painful to leave aside all he was thinking and the thoughts were trying again to spring out in his mind.
'' I can't.'' both books were closed.
No, this secret of his was extremely difficult to keep it anymore but his instinct was telling him to...
'' I have to tell Zhao Yun! If I don't nothing will change, it will remain like this...''
He stood up and went out hoping the fresh, clean air of this wonderful afternoon in spring will help him to clear his mind.
" I love him. His presence gives me joy and peace but still, I wish I knew him a little better. He is helpful and pleasant as a friend but so sensitive too; it's amazing just to think how fond is the relationship between him and his teacher; Sometimes, I really envy Zhuge Liang's ability to make people trust him unreservedly. Why can't I make Jiang Wei feel so comfortable with me? We may be close friends but I have the impression that he has been trying to hide something from me. ''
Zhao Yun was so absorbed by his thoughts that he couldn't hear the seabirds' voice or the low sound of the waves moving to and fro.
He glanced at his faithful, fighting ''partner'', his Dragon spear , stabbed in the sand and he realized the true cause of his lonely visit here, by the sea...
For training.
But instead of that, this peaceful place made him want more to lost himself in his own thoughts.
The warrior breathed deeply the fresh air and raised his head up to the sky.
'' Training? Mmm... maybe other time...'' he smiled slightly.
Two seabirds were teasing each other playfully on a big rock by the sea when it was crushed by a small wave and made the birds fly away.
Zhao Yun was pleased with the scene.
'' I cannot believe I don't know what to do with Jiang Wei. I always try to act at situations and problems whether my decisions are proved right or wrong, but this time... I am very afraid of what the consequences might be, I don't want to risk losing my best friend because I 'd love to be something more than friend to him. I have to be careful; I love him but this isn't enough. He must need the same thing from me too.''
True. No doubt, it was true. The warrior frowned; it was almost an incessant torture to him, keeping this fondness locked up in his heart, he needed helplessly to release these feelings of love. Just to tell him.
'' Are you going to hurt or upset your friend? Could you ever be ready for that?'' a small, voice was heard deep in his mind...
The voice of conscience?
He couldn't ignored that as he found himself being exhausted because of these mixed feelings...
'' Oh, Jiang Wei, do you have just a single idea of what are you doing to me? '' he questioned this to himself, hoping weakly he will get somehow the answers he so needed.
It was only the will of Fate and Jiang Wei's decision to go out this afternoon instead of trying to study that the two eventually met each other. The warrior strategist noticed his friend first and he felt so happy and excited to see him, his heart began pounding a little faster.
'' He's alone. We can hardly find some time to be together like this, so that's a priceless opportunity to talk.'' he tightened the spear he was holding until his right hand started to hurt, as if he wanted to dispel his nervousness about what he was thinking before, about how he was feeling for Zhao Yun; how could he express this?
He walked towards him slowly but without hesitation, hoping everything will be alright.
Zhao Yun sensed there was someone near him and turned. He couldn't believe in his eyes, was he thinking so deeply about Jiang Wei that he made him come here... in this place? Crazy thought...
A lovely smile was shown on Zhao Yun's face when they greeted each other. The other warrior could barely find his voice from the excitement...
'' Jiang Wei, I am sure you won't believe me but you were in my thoughts and then you just showed up!'' he said first, the smile still on his face. '' What? He was thinking... of me?'' Jiang Wei thought for one minute, his heart lept in joy.
'' Well, it's nice to hear that because I had you in my mind too before I meet you in this place.'' he said quickly.
'' You did?'' asked the other, trying not to sound very surprised.
'' Why not? It's nice to think of you...people that are close tend to do that, especially when they are apart for some time.'' he replied chastely.
'' Then, I am happy we 're here together.'' Zhao Yun responded in the same tone but his voice betrayed some emotion.
A few clouds hid the magnificent sunset colouring the sky and clouds with a gentle orange color.
'' The sunset...you know, it always makes me feel peaceful...'' Zhao Yun whispered.
When he said these few words, Jiang Wei felt a strong need to embrace him and tell him his secret at last. He sighed.
'' Me too. But I like more the sunrise; it fills me with strength and courage.''
Zhao Yun locked his eyes with Jiang Wei's, and they both smiled.
The seabirds were playfully letting their soft wings touch the surface of the sea; they didn't seem to care that it was almost time to rest in their nests.
Jiang Wei came closer to the warrior and without even realizing it, he placed his hand over Zhao Yun's shoulder and nearly leaned against him but he moved back quickly so he won't bother him in any way.
This move made Zhao Yun frown, to dishearten him and make certain that his fellow warrior didn't feel comfortable enough with him.
It started getting dark, slowly, as the sun faded behind the mountains. It was a beautiful evening in spring; it was peaceful, only the sound of the waves could be heard.
" It's now or never, I can't allow myself turn back." Jiang Wei thought desperately.
'' Zhao Yun?'' the young strategist asked softly with a little hesitation in his voice.
Zhao Yun's eyes moistened, it was something in the tone of his voice, he sensed somehow that he needed to confess something very important to him and maybe, just maybe what Zhao Yun expected to hear ever since his feelings for him, changed...or maybe it was nothing but wishful thinking.
'' Tell me.'' it was a broken whisper.
'' Why... have you been thinking of me?'' he couldn't believe he just said these words, and now he was afraid he made a mistake. But he had to know.
His mouth slightly opened and his heart started beating faster, it was a clear reaction of surprise; Jiang Wei caught him off guard.
'' No reason.'' he said without too much thinking, trying to cover his anxiety.
Jiang Wei wouldn't give up so easily. He insisted.
'' Are you sure?'' the other asked carefully, looking at him.
Zhao Yun lowered his head and remained silent for a while '' I was wondering if...'' the fear of rejection made him stop.
'' I am hurting you. I know. I won't...insist if you don't feel ready to tell me.'' his voice was gentle.
'' Is he reading my own thoughts? Or maybe he suspects how I feel for him? What must I say or do now before it's too late for everything?''
Zhao Yun turned to him and recognised the concern in Jiang Wei's dark eyes. The other warrior, who was looking at him directly at his eyes, continued: '' I have my own secrets too. You want me to tell you, now? Look, you might be a little upset... but I promise you won't-''
'' No, wait.'' he interrupted him and then his voice softened, '' You asked me first, you have to know first. Am I right?''
Jiang Wei nodded, hoping secretly he will hear what he was expecting.
'' Actually, I came here this afternoon, only because I wanted to spend some time on training alone...'' but instead of that I began wondering about...us.'' Both of them breathed deeply '' Jiang Wei, look I have this weird feeling that you are hiding a few things from me, only because you don't trust me enough...and...'' he stopped when he noticed the expression on Jiang Wei's face.
'' I don't...trust you..." he whispered, it surprised him, but when he pondered on it more, he quickly realized that his friend knew he was hiding something in his heart; until now, he thought that only his teacher Zhuge Liang could understand him better than anyone else.
" Zhao Yun, I swear I trust you with all my heart; I am really sorry I made you feel this way; and if sometimes I looked like I was hiding something from you it's only because...I will explain, but first I 'd like you to finish what you want say.''
Zhao Yun's eyes widened ''Jiang Wei, no, I am sorry...''
Jiang Wei looked at him with concern and rubbed gently his shoulder to show comfort, causing Zhao Yun to shiver in delight.
" You don't have to be sorry for that kind of things...so, this is what you wanted to tell me... right?"
'' No. There's something more...'' he said quietly, gazing at the calm sea. '' Jiang Wei, I don't know, you might not like it...''
'' Please tell me, don't ever think that you might make me feel bad about...anything.''
Zhao Yun felt more relaxed. After all, the love he was keeping for the other warrior was pure; Could it be painful to him? He wasn't sure about nothing right now. This time, only his heart could guide his words.
'' You know, you are very special to me. I feel proud you 're my best friend. It took me very little time to feel so comfortable with you. You have never failed to make me happy at any time, comfort me and give me peace in times of trouble. Just being with you together in this magnificent place... I can't describe with simple words how I feel. If I was standing alone here... it wouldn't be the same. It is your presence that makes me feel this way. Always. At any time. And I came to a point when I realized that...'' he paused and looked deeply into the eyes of his beloved companion; he always loved their dark colour, their depth.
Jiang Wei coaxed him to continue with a slight nod. He was so touched by his words that he couldn't be able to find his voice.
Tears streamed down freely from his closed eyes ''...I love you.''
He confessed his love for him.
Jiang Wei thought for one moment, he would lose his senses from happiness and emotion... this was true, he wasn't dreaming.
Quickly, he embraced tightly Zhao Yun.
'' Jiang Wei...'' he couldn't hide his surprise.
" Why the tears? I feel the same with you..." he muttered.
He smiled and rested his hand on the warrior's cheek.
Zhao Yun held his hand, looking at him with disbelief.
Jiang Wei breathed deeply and started to explain, '' Zhao Yun, it's been a very long time when I first discovered that my affection for you went a little too far to be called just simple friendship. I...look, it's not that I couldn't but I found it difficult to care about you only as a friend. I needed something more than that. I needed to love you and have you totally, to let myself being in love with you. I believed it was impossible. I understood that well and... I tried to hide the truth even from me and convinced myself that it wasn't right, the best thing to do about it was to forget about these feelings and leave the thoughts of loving you, behind forever.''
Zhao Yun lowered his head, he almost felt like it was his fault Jiang Wei feared to accept his feelings.
'' I know it makes you feel sad, but it's the only truth. It hurts me too. More than you can imagine. I... thought I was doing something wrong and I had to stop myself; but I couldn't. I tried-I swear- but I couldn't. It would be like tearing my heart out of my chest. You 're my heart, Zhao Yun. You 're everything to me... I couldn't sacrifice my feelings for the sake of the world...it was too much for me... so, I tried to face the only truth. What I wanted, who I wanted... I faced myself and followed my heart... this is what I finally did.'' he smiled.
'' In my entire life I have never met anyone having so much love in his heart; and still... I can't believe there's someone in my life that loves me so deeply and especially the one that touched my heart.''
'' I love you Zhao Yun.''
'' I love you too Jiang Wei. Always.''
They looked up to the sky and stars. It was a beautiful, peaceful night.
The two lovers held each close and sealed their love with a loving kiss.
Zhao Yun bent down slowly, his eyes closed and his lips reached his partner's. He felt his stomach clench hard and sensed Jiang Wei's surprise at first.
Their kiss was soft and tender, no one of them ever experienced such sweet warmth. Slowly the kiss deepened and became more demanding as their passion for each other increased, resulting to a sensuous emotion.
Jiang Wei broke the kiss slowly only to take a breath but Zhao Yun impatiently drew near again, kissing him more lovingly, almost with despair.
Jiang Wei lifted one hand, while with the other remained around Zhao Yun's waist and caressed his face slowly, brushing away the bangs then his fingers grazed lightly his neck as if he tried to ease Zhao Yun's tension.
Zhao Yun felt more relaxed, their kiss softened, both were lost into a mist of warm feelings.
Their lips parted.
" You 're very sweet. "
Jiang Wei felt tremors through his body when Zhao Yun muttered these words... it was because of him or maybe the fresh air of the night that was blowing between them?
Jiang Wei held Zhao Yun's hands and looked deeply into his eyes, seriously.'' I swear I have never felt like this in my whole life. I hope this isn't just a dream, because if it is, I don't want it to end. Never.'' he whispered.
Zhao Yun smiled: " It won't. I promise you this." assured him.
They hugged each other tightly, surrendering to a feeling of an inner safety- their heart's safety.
" I still wonder what kind of power brought me to you." said the warrior with emotion.
Jiang Wei sighed: " Some things are just meant to be..."
" I will keep that in mind then..."
The time passed, they remained there watching the sea until late in night, when the sky darkened completely.
'' I guess we should return back home now. What do you think?''
'' Yes, let's go.'' answered Jiang Wei and took the spears they both carried and gave Zhao Yun his own.
'' And I was supposed to practice this afternoon...'' Zhao Yun said smiling.
" So your plans also changed today..."
" Good for us."
They exchanged a quick look of fondness and walked away slowly.
The stars were twinkling with a mysterious but lovely light as if they were supporting the happiness of the two young lovers.
Even the full moon which brightened up this spring night was still smiling upon them...
The end
Thank you for reading.