Title: Confrontation
Author: Yoko-chan (yokochan@otakumail.com)
Notes: This is my first RK fic, and my first fic not to have some yaoi-innuendo! If anything, the only hit toward a relationship here is K+K. This is a Kenshin-centric one-shot, based on the song "Confrontation" of Jekyll and Hyde. It was my way of trying to delve a little into Kenshin's psyche, and not a very good attempt at it. Some parts of it I feel contradicted each other, and once I figure out how to change them, I'll repost this. If you notice any of the flaws, please leave them in a review: I'll be glad to give you your credit in the reposting!
By the way, I really didn't want to put Kenshin through all this, but I felt the need to write angst, and who better than use as an angst than the Hitokiri Battousai? I feel awful, though; I heart Kenshin to much to make him miserable. *tackle-glomps him* And I'll write a SanoxKenshin fic later to make up for it. ^^;
Last note: If there are two dashes, it's a switch between singers. One dash means a quick cut-off. Get it? I hope so, I can't think of any other way to explain.
Disclaimer: No, I don't own Rurouni Kenshin or any of its characters. *sigh* Give me Kenshin and I'll worship you like the god you are. I don't own "Confrontation", either-it belongs to whoever made J&H.
Warnings: ANGST! Evil voices in Kenshin's head! MORE ANGST!
Confrontation:
Four o'clock AM. Deep in the heart of night, dark, desolate, alone. Empty. Four AM knew all his secrets. Every haunted memory, every lash of shame that hit harder with each slice of the blade he'd been so famous for. Battousai. A monster. Pure, unadulterated evil.
Sometimes he thought of himself as two separate people: the rurouni, the one who played with the children that adored him, the one who cheerfully cooked and cleaned and seemingly didn't notice that Kaoru's food was just this side of poison, aside from a velvet-sheathed comment or two. Then there was his other self: the Battousai, the evil, the blackness that tainted his heart and stained his hands in a way that he could never get clean again.
/It's over now, I know inside
No one must ever know
The sorry tale of Edward Hyde
And those who died
No one must ever know/
/BloodpainhurtdeathagonyshamemakeitstopmakeitstopmakeitSTOP/
It was part of what he was, Kenshin supposed, to go through a nightly hell. He deserved it, after all. People tried to convince him otherwise, of course: "Without you, the Bakumatsu would never have happened." It was bullshit. All of it. He was a murderer, plain and simple. And no one would ever understand that more plainly than he would.
/They'd only see the tragedy
They'd not see my intent
The shadow of Hyde's evil
Would forever kill the good
That I had meant/
He hadn't wanted to become the monster he had, of course. He'd had ideals once: a dream of changing the world for the better, just him, Hiten, and his sword. But part of Kenshin's strength was his ability to learn, and to learn fast. He'd learned very quickly that swords would never bring peace. Very, very quickly.
/Am I a good man?
Am I a madman?
It's such a fine line
Between a good man and a…/
He was going to go to hell, of course. If the Gods were smart, they'd have reserved some private torture just for him to burn in eternal agony. But every once in a while, that soft, gentle, quiet part of himself wondered if there was some way everything he'd done since he'd given up killing could erase some of the black marks on his record; at the very least, smudge them a little.
/Do you really think
That I would ever let you go?
Do you really think I'd set you free?
If you do, I'm sad to say
It simply isn't so
You will never get away from me/
The monster that was his former self opposed this quickly and strongly. Fate chose you to be one of the evil ones, Himura Kenshin. To be one of the ones that suffer, for they were preordained to free the good, the pure, the untainted from suffering that they don't deserve. And you, my friend, deserve it more than anyone.
/All that you are is a face in the mirror
I close my eyes and you disappear-/
"Shut up." His voice trembled, as did his hands as he buried them in the thick crimson glory that was his hair. "Shut up and leave me alone. You're gone, you're going to stay gone, just leave me alone-"
/I'm what you face when you face in the mirror
Long as you LIVE I shall still be here/
Can't you handle a simple truth, Battousai? Can't you handle the fact that innocent men, innocent women-hell, even children died at your hands? And with you no more than I child yourself? You can't get away from me, because I am the truth, and I know what you are inside.
/All that you are is the end of a nightmare
All that you are is a dying scream
After tonight I shall end this demon dream…/
"You know what I was. I'm not Battousai anymore. I'm not a murderer anymore!" His scalp ached from the intense hold he hand on the spiky red locks, but he welcomed the pain as the distraction it was. The quiet alto was harsh with sobs he couldn't release-it'd been so long since he'd cried, he certainly couldn't do it now... "And you'll never convince me that I will go back!"
/This is not a dream, my friend
And it will never end
This one is the nightmare that goes on
Hyde is here to stay no matter WHAT you may pretend
And he'll flourish long after you're gone/
He let himself go blank, let his hands fall limp to his sides. The thin cover over him seemed suddenly sweltering in the March heat, and he pushed it away to kneel instead, head hanging and yukata sliding down his thin shoulders.
/Soon you will die and my memory will hide you
You cannot CHOOSE but to lose control/
He wouldn't think about it. If he ignored it long enough, it would go away. It would go away for good and he would be free from that evil voice that knew him far too well for comfort.
/You can't control me, I live deep inside you
Each day you feel me devour your soul/
You can't run, ken no shin. You can't hide behind the ideal that you were trying to change things. You did, once, maybe, but you changed. And you went through that change without an ounce of remorse. You knew what you were doing.
/I don't need you to survive like you need me
I'll become whole as you dance with death
And I'll rejoice as you breathe your final breath/
His head went back and forth, short, ineffective little denials that did nothing to quiet the slurs. He could feel himself slipping, guilt working its way around him the way a python slid around its prey. He was guilty. He was.
No, he couldn't think that way! It was wrong, it was wrong, it was WRONG!
Is it so wrong, hitokiri? Or is this lie you're living the truth?
/I'll live inside you forever--
NO!
With Satan himself by my side--
NOOOO!
For I know that now and forever
They'll never be able to separate Jekyll from Hyde…/
"People can change. I can change. I have changed." He said it like a mantra, a strange glassiness covering his heavy-lidded amethyst eyes. "You wouldn't know, because all you are is a devil, and you want to drag me down again."
/Can't you see it's
Over now
It's time to die--
No, not I
Only you/
Of course I do. I hate people who try to shy away from the truth. By the time this night is over, you'll finally accept what you were meant to be. And this empty, delirious shell you've erected will finally be shattered.
"I'll die before I go back," he vowed. "I'll kill myself first. And you'll die right along with me."
/If I die, you'll die too-
You'll die, and me
I'll BE you!/
Wrong. I'll take bring you back to what you used to be. And I'll get rid of all that you managed to hypnotize along the way. They'd never no any better, especially the girl. She'd jump off a cliff if you asked her the right way, after all.
"Shut UP! Don't you DARE talk about her!"
/Damn you Hyde
Leave me be-
Can't you see?
You ARE me!/
It's no different from you saying it yourself, is it? After all…I am a part of you.
"Usotsuki!"
/No!
Deep inside-/
I'm not a liar. I'm what you tried to bury when you killed the first girl you loved. I'm what you tried to get rid of when you gave up that blood-stained sword. I'm everything you try to deny, Kenshin.
I'm you.
"IIE!"
/I am pure!
YOU are Hyde!/
/No, never!—
Yes, forever!—
God damn you, Hyde! Take all your evil deeds and rot in HELL!
I'll see you there, Jekyll./
The sobs came as a startling rush of warm, salty tears, nearly choking him as he tried to realize what they were. "I give up." And with those words came a sense of defeated reality.
Yin and yang. Denial and acceptance. Quite simply, good and evil.
And Himura Kenshin was all this, and more.
Owari
Man, that took a turn for the dark. *sighs* I can't believe I wrote that. I still can't believe I wrote that. But was it good? Was it? Please leave me a review and give me your honest, brutal opinion. Please? I'm ready. *ties blindfold over eyes*