Chapter 15

Deny myself, deny my heart
Deny your hand, deny your help
and you offer me eternity
but why should I buy that?
-Sinking, Jars of Clay

"Stay out here until I see who's home," Rick said to the frog in the back seat of his Corvette.

"Okay," said Frogmon, peering out at the grand house towering above them. "Are you a king?"

Rick snorted. "I wish." He got out of the car and walked up the curving driveway, peering at the lights in the windows. His father's study was dark, but the lights were lit on the second floor. His mother was out tonight, so it must mean that Candy was home. And all of her collage friends, it looked like. He gritted his teeth and circled around to one of the back doors. There were days he despised his sister and her parties.

There were scattered lights on in the kitchen, and two cupboards were open, displaying their ransacked contents. Rick glanced in before tiptoeing through the living room, down the hall, and around to the staircase. He paused on the landing, half-hidden by a silk philodendron, and listened. Girl's laughter floated down to him, and snatches of music as a door opened and closed. They were in the game room. He crept up the rest of the way, glanced around the loft, which was strewn with coats, napkins and crumbs, then jogged down the hall to his room, at the opposite end of the house from his sister's room.

He glanced into his room to make sure Candy had not disturbed it, and paused again to listen for anyone leaving the game room. It sounded like they were dancing. He slipped downstairs again, and out to his car.

"Okay, come on," he said, opening the door for Frogmon. The amphibian hopped out and followed his partner into the house.

Rick didn't breathe until Frogmon was safely in his room, and the door was barricaded with a cement block he kept for that purpose. Then he pulled out his piano bench and sat down with a sigh.

"Are those enemies?" Frogmon asked, his eyes bulging more than usual.

"My sister's friends," said Rick. "I can still send you back, if you want."

"Oh no, you're my partner," said the frog. "I'll face the dangers with you. I'm not scared."

Rick looked at him a moment. "I'll bet you're not." He swung around and lifted the piano lid, flipped on the power, and tapped out a nervous jingle.

Frogmon hopped up to the piano and listened, entranced. "You play music!"

"It's not that great," growled Rick, staring at the wall above the piano, as he did when playing without sheet music. "Mom makes me." He switched to a slow, dark series of chords. Frogmon listened raptly, his throat moving in and out. At a high point in the music his throat bulged out and he croaked, very loudly. Rick jumped and stopped playing. "What?"

Frogmon looked down, embarrassed. "Sorry. It just comes over me when I hear pretty music."

"Pretty? Hah," said Rick, but he felt a little better. "Look, it's late. Where are you going to sleep?"

Frogmon looked around, then hopped into the bathroom. "If you run a little water in the tub, that'd be great," said the frog. "It'll be almost as nice as my marsh."

Rick did so and watched as Frogmon climbed into the tub and nestled down in the water. "Ahh, heaven," he whispered. "Good night, Rick."

"Yeah, sure," his partner mumbled, shutting off the light and retreating to his room. He sat on his bed and gazed at his football pictures on the wall, wondering how he had got into this situation. It was hard to believe he had just spent two days in another world, but he was still stuffed to the gills from his dinner in Vinegarden. It was real, but ... He flopped back on his pillows. Why did it have to be with a bunch of school losers?

* * *

Christmas vacation slipped by, and the Digidestined visited the Digital World every day, relishing their secret anew and exploring Vinegarden, as it was the only working node they could find.

Christmas arrived, and Zach was packed off to spend the remainder of his vacation with his father. He returned two weeks later in low spirits. He had always hoped his parents would get back together, but now his father was getting remarried. He had met his father's fiancé, who was pleasant enough, but only a few years older than Zach. It shocked him. He was furious at his father for abandoning his mother, but he swallowed his anger and brooded. His depression began to return, stronger than ever.

January was cold and rainy. The overcast skies matched Zach's spirits, and even the sunny days of the Digital World could not revive him. Spikemon watched helplessly as his partner spiraled. Savannah began worrying about Zach again, and fussed about his medicine and whether he would be at school the next day. She told Spikemon to watch him all the time, and Spikemon replied that he did.

Zach's mother saw his depression returning, and took him to the doctor, who prescribed even stronger anti-depressants. Zach took them dutifully, but they had little effect on his mood. Each day he was a little more passive, and went to school in a kind of trance.

Savannah had other worries as well. Hissmon was acting strangely. At night he would creep about the house, and sometimes woke her by staring into her face. He always managed to get outside, and roamed the neighborhood as if looking for something. He would not tell her why he did these things, and she was afraid he was going into a kind of depression like Zach's.

Rick did not pick on them anymore, but avoided them at school. He visited the Digital World once in a while, but he was so ashamed of Frogmon, and of being seen with the others, that he kept to himself. Tithonia, on the other hand, fell over herself to make friends. She hit it off with Savannah, and the girls found they had much in common.

* * *

Zach had not visited the Digital World in a week, but let himself be taken there by Spikemon and Savannah, who thought a trip would do him good. It was then they noticed the change.

Zach was grayscale. His skin was gray, his clothes were gray, his hair was gray, and he looked like a black and white photo of himself. He shrugged when Savannah told him this, and slouched off. Spikemon stared after him, yellow eyes wide. "I've never seen that happen before," he said to Savannah. "What could it mean if he's lost his color?"

Hissmon slithered up behind them and peered after Zach. "It must be because he's depressed. Watch him, Spikemon. He could get hurt in that state."

Spikemon nodded and galloped after his partner.

Nothing happened during that visit, but as the days passed, Zach's colors became darker, matching the progression of his depression. Tithonia went with them once, and was horrified to see Zach lose all color upon entering the Digital World. Rick could not be reached, for he tried to have as little contact as possible with the other Digidestined.

One morning soon after, Zach awoke and wondered why he should bother to climb out of bed. He lay there, staring at the ceiling, and wondered what made life worth living. Even the Digital World had lost its charm, for everything seemed flat and colorless there. There were no big enemy Digimon to fight, nothing to do, no one to bother with. Even Spikemon annoyed him, always dogging his heels and asking sharp, nervous questions.

As he lay there in bed he felt the compulsion to try the digiport on his own computer one more time.

Without waking Spikemon, he got up, pulled on some clothes, and held his digivice toward his computer screen.

The port opened, and a second later he was standing on a path through a dark wood. The trees were knotted and ugly, hung with moss that swayed in a damp breeze. The world was bathed in shades of gray. But for some reason he did not return home. He sat down on a rotten log and stared at nothing.

The forest was completely quiet, except for a constant breeze, and it smelled of decay. At least he felt more at home here than he did in the real world, where there was no use for him. He did not notice the forest around him growing darker.

* * *

Spikemon awoke and found Zach gone. A sniff told him that Zach's mother was still home, and ten second's worth of listening told him Zach was not in the house. Spikemon sniffed around the room in growing alarm, then noticed the port on the computer screen. Someone had just passed through.

Zach was in the Digital World without his partner.

* * *

Zach sat on the log, gazing at the gray pebbles on the path, and thinking about how worthless his life was. Why should he be alive when there was nothing in life to look forward to? Why had his parents had to have him, when he was sure someone else wanted his life more than he did?

Gradually he became aware of someone sitting at the other end of the log. He lifted his head and saw a robot three times his height sitting beside him. But he was not afraid, and returned his gaze to the ground. The robot said nothing.

* * *

The window opened easily, and Spikemon bounded through it, landed outside with a thump, and bolted for Savannah's house, not caring who saw him. His partner was in danger, he could feel it.

Savannah was brushing her hair and checking her email when Spikemon scratched at her window. She opened it, fearing the worst. "Where's Zach?"

"The Digital World," panted the dinosaur. "The ports work again. He went without me. Try yours, hurry!"

* * *

Zach did not flinch when the robot placed a cold hand on his back. He looked dully at the claws on its fingers.

"I know what you're going through," said the robot in a low, smooth voice.

Zach lifted his head. The forest around him was dark, but the robot shone in shades of silver with red trim. Its eyes were red as well. "You do?" he said.

"Yes," said the robot. "Rejected by your parents, rejected by your friends. There is no one who cares about you--not even your partner."

Zach had no energy to speak, but he nodded. Spikemon was not here, so he probably didn't care. The hand on his back was cold and heavy.

"There are others who feel as you do," said the robot. "This is what forms a virus: they are a program cast out and hated by the others. The virus must go out, alone."

In the distance, three figures appeared, and Zach gazed toward them with revulsion. There was a twisted, witchy-looking woman, a knotted venomous thing, and a two-legged monster with slavering fangs. But he felt the chill of the robot's metal against his back, and knew the apparitions would not harm him.

* * *

"Zach!" Spikemon roared as soon as his feet hit the ground. They stood in a green wood of tall, majestic trees, and Zach was seated on a log a short distance away. But seated beside him was Thrashmon, a robot with metal spikes on its shoulders, and one of his dangerous clawed hands was around Zach.

But Zach's black and white colors had darkened so much he was black from head to toe, as if he had bathed in ink. Only a glint in his face showed where his eyes were. Spikemon stared, his jaw hanging open. Then he roared, "Thrashmon, let go of him!"

* * *

"The real world holds no purpose for you," Thrashmon's smooth, quiet voice went on in Zach's ear. "Say it."

"It has no purpose for me," said Zach tonelessly.

"Leaving that world would be best."

"It would be best," repeated Zach. The world was so dark now he could not see the monsters that had appeared. He looked up at Thrashmon. "Why is it dark?"

"Because you see the Digital World with new eyes," said the robot. "Under the data is this: nothing. It is a simulation fed into your brain, nothing more. There is nothing in it worth fighting for." His eyes changed from red to yellow, and as Zach watched, it seemed to him that the robot was looking at him with five pairs of yellow eyes. The hand on his back was heavier. "Your existence is meaningless."

* * *

"No it's not!" shrieked Spikemon, who had drawn close enough to hear Thrashmon's voice. "No digimon made by the Programmer was made without a purpose!"

"He cannot hear you," purred Thrashmon. "He is deaf and blind to all but me."

Spikemon turned to Savannah, eyes wide. "We need that other kid and Frogmon."

"No digimon can stop me," said Thrashmon, but it sounded as if two voices were speaking at once.

Savannah stared at him, then grabbed Hissmon. "I'll be back soon," she whispered, and ported out.

Zach was slumping forward under the weight of Thrashmon's hand. "I'm worthless," he muttered.

"It is your fault your parents divorced," said Thrashmon in multiple voices. "It is because of your worthlessness." He continued in this vein, Spikemon shouting retorts that Zach could not hear. And Zach slumped lower and lower under the weight of the words.

* * *

Rick was getting ready for school when the doorbell rang. "Candy, will you get that?" he called.

"You get it, buttface," she yelled back from her room. He called her a worse name, and she reciprocated, until they were interrupted by another blast from the doorbell.

Muttering, Rick stamped downstairs and opened the door to find Savannah and Hissmon out in broad daylight, looking rumpled and distracted. "We need you to come to the Digital World," said Savannah. "Please. Now."

"What's the matter, your little game get out of hand?" he sneered, and slammed the door in her face. At once she pressed and held the doorbell, and he was forced to open it again. "Look, what do you want?"

To his surprise, she pushed her way inside, Hissmon at her heels. "Do you have a computer?"

"Get out of our house!"

"Zach's gonna be dead in a few minutes," she snapped, looking Rick in the eye. "We need you."

"Good, the little freak can die and go to--" Rick broke off in a yell as Hissmon sank his teeth into his ankle. The snake let go without drawing blood, but it frightened Rick into silence.

"I'll have him bite you for real next time," said Savannah. "Where's your computer?"

* * *

Spikemon was running in little circles, whining. Every moment he was losing Zach, and he could not fight Thrashmon, who was an ultimate. The strange thing was that Thrashmon was not interested in fighting. His whole attention was fixed on Zach's mind.

Spikemon ran up to Zach's feet and reached out to the shadow of his partner, but Thrashmon lifted his other arm and aimed his magnablaster at Zach, forcing Spikemon to back off. "Please, stop," Spikemon begged. The robot ignored him. At his wit's end, Spikemon began to run in circles again, crying, "Help! Help! Somebody help me!"

When Savannah arrived with Rick and Frogmon in tow, the little dinosaur was beside himself. He ran to them, then dashed back to Zach. "We've got to do something! We gotta!"

Rick stared at the black shape that had once been Zach. "What happened to him?"

"We think that his depression caused it," murmured Savannah, "but we're not sure. See what your partner thinks."

Rick glanced at Frogmon, who was surveying the situation calmly. "Well?"

"We can't attack either of them," said the frog. "If Zach is depressed, the problem is what's inside him, not what's outside."

"That's a big help," said Rick. "Just the kind of response I'd expect from a frog."

"He's right," said Hissmon, who was also quite calm. He slithered to the trembling Spikemon and said, "Calm down. Your anxiety will only make him worse."

"But he'll die!" wailed Spikemon.

"Shh," said the snake. "He won't die, his soul will simply--"

He was interrupted as Tithonia leaped through a digiport and landed, panting, Mulemon beside her. "Something's wrong," she said, holding up her flashing digivice. "What's the matt--Ohhh," she trailed off, staring at Zach. For a moment all the Digidestined stared at him.

"He's my partner," said Spikemon under his breath, "and I'm going to fight for him." He lunged forward, leaped over Thrashmon's fist, and landed in Zach's lap. He wrapped his arms around Zach's neck and clung there, eyes shut, ignoring Thrashmon's magnacannon. Zach sat there, stiff and wooden. "Come back, buddy!" Spikemon whispered.

Thrashmon did not attack, but he kept his blaster trained on the two. He, too, sat motionless. Savannah, Tithonia and Rick looked at each other. "What do we do?" whispered Tithonia.

Rick squinted at Zach. "You know, he looks like he's in the dark."

"What?"

"Look, if he was shut in a dark room, and you could see him, but not the room, he'd be all dark like that."

"So what do you mean?" said Savannah. "We need to shine a light on him?"

"Sure," said Rick. "Who's got a flashlight?"

"No need," said Frogmon. "His partner's gone after him. Look."

They looked and saw that Spikemon had vanished. Upon looking closer, they saw that the dinosaur had turned black as well, still clinging to Zach.

"So what do we do now?" said Tithonia.

Savannah held up her digivice. "Get ready to attack the robot."

* * *

Spikemon had never seen a night so dark, not even in the real world. All he could see were Zach and Thrashmon, and Zach only looked half-awake. Spikemon shook him. "Zach! Wake up! You've got to fight it!"

"Nothing worth fighting for," muttered Zach.

"Sure there is!" said Spikemon. "There's love and happiness and good food, and, and--me, Zach! Won't you fight for your partner?"

Zach looked up at Thrashmon. Spikemon followed his gaze and bristled, baring his teeth to the roots. Looming above them was not Thrashmon, but a hideous monster with five heads. Each head was leering in triumph.

Before he knew what he was doing, Spikemon snarled, "Spark Blast!" He spat a tiny fireball at the monster. The heads smiled at his pitiful attack, but Zach jumped at the flash of light. He blinked slowly at his partner. Spikemon fired off another attack at the looming monster, then checked his partner's face. "C'mon Zach, snap out of it! Don't you know how bad this is? That's right, don't look at him, look at me!" He held Zach's gaze. "Don't listen to him, he's just a virus."

"But ... I'm a virus," said Zach, his eyes straying to the monster above him. "I'm a blemish on the world..."

Spikemon breathed another fire attack to get Zach's attention. "That's a lie!" he snorted. "You're not a virus, humans can't be viruses. Don't look at him, he's nothing, you hear? This isn't the real Digital World, this is a distortion. It's a distortion!" He peered into Zach's dull eyes. "You'd got to shake it, I can't pull you out."

"Nobody ... can," sighed Zach, settling under Thrashmon's hand.

"Stop it!" roared Spikemon, and kicked at the hand. To his surprise it fell away as if Thrashmon were not holding it there. Zach drew a breath and sat up a little.

"Zach, the Programmer can get us out of a distortion," said the dinosaur. "He left a way out of all the bad places. Wake up! We'll get out!" At least Zach was still looking at him.

Spikemon reached down and touched Zach's hand, and saw with horror that Zach's courage level had been drained to zero, and his other stats were dropping. Spikemon's heart quailed, and for a second he wondered if he could possibly save his partner now. Then an idea struck him.

All digimon had a small pouch on their belly or the inside of an arm where zip coins were deposited, which contained excess data that could be used in trade. Spikemon had four at the moment, but they contained junk data. No, Zach needed something stronger than that. The dinosaur transferred his battle and attack files recklessly to a zip coin, pulled it out of the pouch on his arm, and unzipped it. "Drink this," he said, holding the open edge to Zach's lips. Zach was powerless to resist, and drank the contents of the little coin in one swallow.

The change was instanious. Spikemon sensed that his vital files were missing, and his head began to swim. At the same time, Zach's eyes brightened. "Spikemon?" He blinked as if awakening from a long nap, and caught Spikemon as the dinosaur toppled sideways. The world lit as if the lights had come on, but Spikemon was too dizzy to comprehend it.

"Fight," he mumbled as Zach let him down to the ground. "Fight them, fight them, don't give up." His square head flopped to the ground, and his eyes glazed as he shut down.

"Error," Zach's digivice flashed. "Spikemon identity damaged."

Spikemon did not awaken for a long time.