Chapter8
Sadness. Deep sadness. The poem he wrote upset me. I mean why did he write that poem? Why does he feel like he hasn't me. Well, actually that's true. I wrote him about Jess and now he knows that I love Jess but he should know as well that I care for him. What if it's not enough for him? Can I give him more than that?
R: Hi can I speak with Tristan DuGrey please?
M: Sure, hold on
T: Paris we talked yesterday already missing me?
R: I don't know about Paris but I miss you
T: Mary? Hem Rory?
R: Hi Tristan
T: Hi
Silence. None of us knew what to say. I called him of course I should say something but my mind went blank.
R: So .... How are you?
Clever, really clever question Rory!!!
T: I'm fine thanks and you?
R: Fine, listen Tristan I called to talk about your last letter
T: About the poem?
R: Yes.
T: Well it's just a poem. I liked it and I wrote to you. Don't read anything in it Mary
R: You know what? I guess I shouldn't have called you. I thought you changed and that we could be friends, but I guess I was wrong
I can't believe I put down the phone on him! I got so angry! It looked like he didn't really care about me. Maybe he was just playing with me. Maybe now he's laughing with his friend that I actually called him! I was so stupid! I'll never ever think about him anymore! That's it, I got Jess and he is really good, he's the right choice.
Then ... Why I feel so bad? So lonely? Maybe he had some reason to act like this. Maybe he was surprised and didn't know how to handle the situation. Back in time I told him that I hated him, maybe he's confused.
No. No. No. I'll stop thinking about him and now I go out with Jess and I forget about him.
R: Hey
J: Hey you
R: Don't I get a kiss from my boyfriend?
J: Well, Rory everyone is watching us, I thought you didn't like public display
R: I changed my mind
So he kissed me and it felt so good. But I knew in the deepest of my heart that it wasn't fair. That I was being a coward. How could I say that I love him when I'm being so selfish and keep him from finding someone who could really love him the way he deserve?
But I'm so scared to loose him. I know I've Lane and with Paris things are better, but still Jess knows me in a way that nobody does. I feel like I'll loose my rock. My everything. Why he is not enough for me? Why can't I be happy with him?
R: Jess, I think we need to talk
J: Sure, tell me
R Let's go to the bridge, ok?
J: Ok
So I told him the entire story, from the postcard to the phone call. Of course I omitted some parts, I mean I didn't want to hurt him more than I already did.
J: So, where does this leave us?
R: I don't know. Can we be friends Jess? I know I'm asking a lot from you. I just think I need time to get over Tristan. I cannot tell you that I will be back with you but I want you in my life.
J: I need time, I need to think about all the thing you said
R: I'm so sorry Jess. I just thought that I respect you too much to go on like this
J: I understand Rory but that doesn't mean that I can forgive you for now. I'll take my time and then we'll talk again
R: Jess... I love you really!
But he stood up and left. He didn't turn back and maybe it was better. I cried so much on that little bridge. I cried for Jess, for Tristan but mostly for me. Why can't I have a normal relationship? Why do I always mess up things?
First thing I'll work on getting over Tristan and then I'll try everything possible to have Jess back in my life.
When I finally arrived home, my mother asked me what's happened and I told her the whole story. She was sad, she didn't like to see me so unhappy. She then went to her room and came back with a little book of poems that Max had given her. We sat on the couch and she read aloud some of them. But one of them struck me
Mirage
| | |The hope I dreamed of was a dream, | |Was but a dream; and now I wake, | |Exceeding comfortless, and worn, and old, | |For a dream's sake. | |I hang my harp upon a tree, | |A weeping willow in a lake; | |I hang my silent harp there, wrung and snapped | |For a dream's sake. | |Lie still, lie still, my breaking heart; | |My silent heart, lie still and break: | |Life, and the world, and mine own self, are changed | |For a dream's sake. * |
AN: * written by: Christina Georgina Rossetti
Sadness. Deep sadness. The poem he wrote upset me. I mean why did he write that poem? Why does he feel like he hasn't me. Well, actually that's true. I wrote him about Jess and now he knows that I love Jess but he should know as well that I care for him. What if it's not enough for him? Can I give him more than that?
R: Hi can I speak with Tristan DuGrey please?
M: Sure, hold on
T: Paris we talked yesterday already missing me?
R: I don't know about Paris but I miss you
T: Mary? Hem Rory?
R: Hi Tristan
T: Hi
Silence. None of us knew what to say. I called him of course I should say something but my mind went blank.
R: So .... How are you?
Clever, really clever question Rory!!!
T: I'm fine thanks and you?
R: Fine, listen Tristan I called to talk about your last letter
T: About the poem?
R: Yes.
T: Well it's just a poem. I liked it and I wrote to you. Don't read anything in it Mary
R: You know what? I guess I shouldn't have called you. I thought you changed and that we could be friends, but I guess I was wrong
I can't believe I put down the phone on him! I got so angry! It looked like he didn't really care about me. Maybe he was just playing with me. Maybe now he's laughing with his friend that I actually called him! I was so stupid! I'll never ever think about him anymore! That's it, I got Jess and he is really good, he's the right choice.
Then ... Why I feel so bad? So lonely? Maybe he had some reason to act like this. Maybe he was surprised and didn't know how to handle the situation. Back in time I told him that I hated him, maybe he's confused.
No. No. No. I'll stop thinking about him and now I go out with Jess and I forget about him.
R: Hey
J: Hey you
R: Don't I get a kiss from my boyfriend?
J: Well, Rory everyone is watching us, I thought you didn't like public display
R: I changed my mind
So he kissed me and it felt so good. But I knew in the deepest of my heart that it wasn't fair. That I was being a coward. How could I say that I love him when I'm being so selfish and keep him from finding someone who could really love him the way he deserve?
But I'm so scared to loose him. I know I've Lane and with Paris things are better, but still Jess knows me in a way that nobody does. I feel like I'll loose my rock. My everything. Why he is not enough for me? Why can't I be happy with him?
R: Jess, I think we need to talk
J: Sure, tell me
R Let's go to the bridge, ok?
J: Ok
So I told him the entire story, from the postcard to the phone call. Of course I omitted some parts, I mean I didn't want to hurt him more than I already did.
J: So, where does this leave us?
R: I don't know. Can we be friends Jess? I know I'm asking a lot from you. I just think I need time to get over Tristan. I cannot tell you that I will be back with you but I want you in my life.
J: I need time, I need to think about all the thing you said
R: I'm so sorry Jess. I just thought that I respect you too much to go on like this
J: I understand Rory but that doesn't mean that I can forgive you for now. I'll take my time and then we'll talk again
R: Jess... I love you really!
But he stood up and left. He didn't turn back and maybe it was better. I cried so much on that little bridge. I cried for Jess, for Tristan but mostly for me. Why can't I have a normal relationship? Why do I always mess up things?
First thing I'll work on getting over Tristan and then I'll try everything possible to have Jess back in my life.
When I finally arrived home, my mother asked me what's happened and I told her the whole story. She was sad, she didn't like to see me so unhappy. She then went to her room and came back with a little book of poems that Max had given her. We sat on the couch and she read aloud some of them. But one of them struck me
Mirage
| | |The hope I dreamed of was a dream, | |Was but a dream; and now I wake, | |Exceeding comfortless, and worn, and old, | |For a dream's sake. | |I hang my harp upon a tree, | |A weeping willow in a lake; | |I hang my silent harp there, wrung and snapped | |For a dream's sake. | |Lie still, lie still, my breaking heart; | |My silent heart, lie still and break: | |Life, and the world, and mine own self, are changed | |For a dream's sake. * |
AN: * written by: Christina Georgina Rossetti