Cold Feathers

Chapter 2

There is nothing better than a Sunday morning that's fresh and warm. Of course, for some people, if you had to get cooped up in a church, that's probably not the best thing. But if church occurs a little later, and you have the morning to do what you want like the wild fleet-footed Artemis, it was perfectly pleasant. And it gets even better, if you have wings like Cupid. Ah, Greek Mythology!

That Sunday morning I went out and flew to the mountains when the leaves were still covered with dew. The air was fresh and cool in the mountains, untainted by the smoke of the cities.

Pity, I thought to myself, that the mortals should demolish the paradise around them, and yet call on Paradise after death.

" Well, if it isn't the child of the blessed!"

I turned around. It was Tsu Yen, one of the angels of the Heavenly Council. What was he doing here?

" I've been hearing a lot about you." Tsu Yen began, folding his golden wings. " They were talking about you all over Heaven. All wanted to meet you. You're denying them that."
" I am not." I felt upset. " I simply have work to do."
" What work?" Tsu Yen asked. " Do you mean the girl? Why?"
" I don't think she'll be able to handle it with the cards alone." I answered. " They're far greater than that."

Tsu Yen looked unhappy.

" You're still restless." He said. " You, a child."

I remained silent.

" Will this make you feel at peace?" He asked. " Will it?"
" Yes." I answered.

Tsu Yen sighed. " Call for us when you need us, alright?" He said gently. " Remember, you're not alone."

I nodded quietly. He smiled.

" Well, I ought to be getting back now. Take care of yourself."
" I will."

Turning around, I watched several monkeys bathe in a small pool. It's funny, how human they look, like one of those bathing areas in China where people gather since they don't have showers in their own homes. I turned around.

Six forty five. I ought to be getting back, like Tsu Yen. If I don't get back sooner, perhaps people will see me. I don't like going around invisible. It makes me feel so...shapeless.

Rachel was gone when I got back. I didn't care too much about that. Angels come and go where they please. However, I did care for the reason. The body, which I had hidden in the closet, was beginning to decay, and the stench in the room was evidence of it.

Burning the flopping body wouldn't do me any good. There will be too much smoke, and the houses were the only ones with a fireplace. For a long time I stood there, staring at the lifeless body where I once dwelled in. The blood had stopped flowing, but now there was some plasma and cytoplasm from the decaying cells. The body was beginning to get old. The eyes were sinking in and the body was pure white.

It stank.

It was in pieces anyway. I moved the limbs to a jar and closed it tightly so the stink wouldn't come out. It helped somewhat, and after clearing the room of the stench, I sat on the bed again.

I decided to practice some martial arts. Not to practice, just to pass the time. Kung fu was easy now. The sword was light. I thought to myself to get a heavier sword. And a larger one, perhaps, when I get taller.

Swing around I carelessly struck at the glass on a frame. It cracked, and the photo was ruined. I looked at the photo. It was Sakura. And me, of course, because if it had been Sakura alone, I would be much more vexed. The sword point had struck my forehead. Sakura was smiling and I was not, naturally, and we were both eating ice cream.

That was probably one of Tomoyo's pictures. I mused. Funny how much symbolism is in there. I lost Sakura. Or perhaps, it was the other way around. We can never be together again. Tomoyo will never take pictures of us together again. I wonder how she will feel. Perhaps she wouldn't feel too much. Her love was all for Sakura. I just happened to be there. But then, Tomoyo had supported our relationship and tried to strengthen it, build it. Would she miss taking my pictures? Would she feel queer, taking pictures of Sakura all alone? Without someone beside her? Would Tomoyo miss me? If she had known this would happen, would she take more pictures of me and Sakura, instead of just Sakura?

Quite odd, I mused. Tomoyo's love of photography. She has a precious gift. She could preserve memories. Perhaps several years later, she'll show Sakura and point to that very picture and say, " Remember Syaoran?" And Sakura will say, " Hai, I remember. I wonder what happened to him." Or maybe she'll turn away, tears trickling down her cheeks, remembering that final farewell. And Tomoyo will smile, saying, " Look, I preserved the past. Now you two will always be together."

I tore that picture in half and threw away the frame. It wasn't because I was sorrowful. It wasn't because I was angry. I just saw no point in keeping that picture any more. It's ruined. What's passed has passed, and there's no use in reliving it over again. The frame was broken and useless. I cannot keep it.



Touya had this keen ability to see ghosts, and apparently it came back even after he gave his magic to Yukito. Either that, or he just personally thought my tanning lotion was fairly obvious, because his stare lasted quite a long time.

Personally I don't remember how we got into that situation, but in any case, Sakura and the others were off somewhere, and Touya and I were alone.

Which wouldn't have been a great idea, if Touya still bore ill will against me and if I was still angry at him. Now that I look at him, I realized that he was someone to be pitied.

Poor wretched Touya. Who watched his mother die in the hospital and the machine screech as she flatlined. He was only my age when he lost his mother. Did he feel scared? Perhaps he did. And he turned around and saw the three year old Sakura crying for her mommy. Did he want to cry for his mother too? But he was ten years old. He needed to stay strong. As he wandered about lost, he thought to himself, Sakura's the only thing left of Mother. She has Oka-san's lovely eyes. She has Oka-san's lovely smile. Perhaps she'll be a model, just like Oka-san. Perhaps she'll marry to someone like Otou-san and I'll bicker with that man just like Auntie bickered with Daddy. I'll fight for Sakura. I'll fight for imotou-san. And then, seven years later, he turned around and found me, the old gaki of the Li Clan, and knew for certain that I was the one he'll be bickering with. And so he bickered, just as his aunt did with Fujitaka. He fought me for Sakura. After all, I'm not worthy of her. No one is worthy of Sakura.

What would he think now? I wonder. What is he thinking as he was staring at me? Would he cry out in horror to find that I was dead all along? Would he sigh in relief when he understood that I was not the one he would be bickering with, but someone far kinder? Perhaps he would stare at me, open mouthed, pointing to my feathered wings, and ask, " Where, what? What are you?" And what should I say? A ghost? An angel?

Would he wish that I was the one he would be bickering with? Would he regret pushing me away? After all, as an angel, I'm more than worthy of Sakura. Sakura wasn't even worthy of me anymore, theoretically. Would Touya be satisfied? Would he mourn? Would he sorrow at my death?

" What the heck did you put on, sunblock?" He asked. I rolled my eyes.
" Do you have a problem with that?" I asked. " There's this news about the ozone layer."

Touya stared at me. " What the heck happened to you?" He asked.
" Oh, a lot of things happened to me." I answered. " Just as they do everyone. People crush their nails, break their kneecaps, get born, get sick, get a papercut, all that. They fall down the stairs, trip over a crack on the sidewalk, scrape their knee at the first bicycle ride. A lot of things happened to me."
" I don't mean that." Touya snapped. " I mean you. For some reason..." He didn't finish.

I sighed. Touya could be exceedingly annoying when it comes to keeping secrets. I decided not to answer.

Very soon Yukito and Eriol made their way back with Kero and Spinel.
" Well?" Touya asked.

Eriol slammed the books down on the table. He sighed.

" That was heavy." He looked up at me. " There they are. Everything we could find, and hopefully need."

I looked through the books. I doubted it was everything we needed.

For some reason the mortals seem uncomfortable these days. I thought to myself.

I stopped.

' The five demons of Casocuff are half mortals.' the page wrote. ' They kill by tearing the limbs and flesh off and petrifying whole mortals with their presence.'

I rolled my eyes. This stuff is useless. I wondered how I got myself into this.
" Children of heaven and hell, they hold the powers of both angels and demons." Eriol read out loud. " We're in for it."
" They're not too smart though." I found myself saying. " With all that power."

There was a brief silence.
" Are you sure, Syaoran?" Eriol asked.

For some reason I found this very annoying.
" Why? Why is it that people trust whatever you say, and whenever I say something people are always doubting?"
" That's not what I meant."

Of course that was not what he meant. I pretended to never hear that.
" They're brainless. We shouldn't use might to conquer them. Use cunning. Like Odysseus."
" But how?" Eriol asked.

They didn't know they have a secret weapon. And I did not intend to tell them directly.
" I think you guys have something very useful." I smiled, surprising them yet again. " Not even you know about it."

The others stared at me. I leaned back. They probably never knew of my worth, I realized. Especially Eriol, who's main concern was with Sakura. He probably didn't know that Sakura was the weakest of all magicians, thanks to Clow Reed. He probably never knew who I was, because I'm not even sure about the extent of my own magic in my lifetime.

" What do you know, kid?" Kero asked.

He was starting to get nervous, I realized. Perhaps it was because I'm acting more and more like...perhaps Eriol.

Did Kero ever suspect of my powers? Was he really that dense? Not that I cared. I was simply curious. I didn't care if Kero wronged me or not. Kero was a simple guardian, just like Nakuru and Spinel. Perhaps none of them ever expected me to be how I was.

" Let's just say, I did a little research." I smirked.

Apparently, none of them liked that smirk. Especially Eriol.



The next day during school my thoughts kept on wandering to Sakura. I thought about how we first met. I was in the front of the room and she was staring at me with this fear in her eyes.

Fear. What did it feel like?

And I watched her as she kept staring at me, staring at me with those dizzy green eyes. And I noticed that they were so green, so green that it seemed they were made of that color alone and nothing else, or that they were that color and not just eyes.

The first time she battled a card was not that impressive. But then she grew better at it and I was needed less and less. Sakura was smart. Sakura was intelligent.

Now that I look at her my heart ached with longing. It hurts, you know, to love something you cannot have. I know I will never have her heart. After this last battle, I'll leave, and Sakura will find a new boyfriend. Perhaps she will marry that boyfriend. They will have three children, identical triplets. They will come across hardships at first, for those babies will be born prematurely. They might be girls, might be boys. They will have their father's will and their mother's eyes. And perhaps, their mother's magic as well. And when Sakura dies, perhaps the Clow Book will be divided among them. No, not the Clow Book. The Sakura Book now.

But for the rest of her life Sakura will no longer think of me. Think of the shadow that stood beside her till the end where all the cards were captured and the tests finished. She will give no thought to the boy cut up in pieces by demons that the spirit came to destroy for her, to spare her the same fate. No, she will not think of that. At night her dreams will be of tomorrows, and in the morning she'll wake up to a bright morning, another morning of building up her life. And when she dies, when she dies she'll probably be an angel, just like me. But if she does she will come and greet me as a friend would, never as a lover.

Sakura was intelligent. She learns things quickly and can understand things quickly. But it will be hard for her to love. She had so much love in her heart and used it all on her friends. She has no ability to devote her love to a single man.

Perhaps it is well that I died.

" Li Syaoran."

I opened my eyes. The class was watching me.

" Are you alright?" The sensei asked. I realized that I had put my head in my arms and might have given them an impression that I was sleeping.

Nodding slowly, I answered. " Hai."

Terada looked doubtful, and why not? But he was doubtful and that was it. Sakura looked at me, worried. I looked at myself. The lotion had wore off. Maybe I should not try to put it on again. So what if people think I'm an albino.



The demons. They're waiting.

They're attacking tonight.

They've summoned thunder, Sakura. Can you handle it? There is no rain. No raindrops. You stand there with Eriol and Tomoyo there. Yue was right beside you and he kept on looking at me, wondering what was wrong with me.

There's nothing wrong with me, Yue. What's wrong with being dead?

You shoot the first arrow. It was accurate, for it struck the first demon. That demon fell, but got up again. Sakura shot the next. Hers also struck on target, but your magic isn't enough to stop them.

Eriol, what will you do for your heir?

Kero, what will you do for your mistress?

I stay in the back. I want to watch. To know if I'm needed or not, and when. The demons do not know who I am. They do not recognize me. They think I'm my cousin.

" Syaoran-kun!" Sakura shouted. " We need your help!"

Thunder and lightning. But no rain.

" Syaoran!" Eriol cried.

I drew a bow. I fitted the arrow. I shot into the sky, a warning shot.

The demons screeched. They know that arrow. They'll recognize it anywhere. The arrow of heaven. An Angel is here! A Seraph! A powerful blessed Immortal! The sorcerors are protected! They will be destroyed!

Screeching, they retreated. The group remained there, stunned. How did I do that? They wonder. I could not laugh at them. How were they supposed to know my powers when I have so changed? How were they supposed to know the fear the demons have of Seraphs?

But nevertheless, I was not pleased. You all stood there gaping at me as if you never expected me to be capable of that. I was not powerful before, but did you really think I was useless?

Perhaps it was well that I died.

Can you believe it, Eriol? Your kawaii little descendant is leaving you soon. You are nowhere near your goal yet. The demons will come back. Those are but small demons, not the five that had cut me to pieces. Can you believe it, Eriol? This will be the last time you can call me Syao-chan, or your little descendant, and it will be the last time you will see me wave my sword. It will be the last time I'll be by your side.

Can you believe it, Sakura? When this all ends, you will never be able to tell me your feelings for me, feelings of friendship, of kindness, of fondness. Iie, I will tell you mine, when I depart.

Aishiteru, Sakura-chan.

Aishiteru.

But it matters no longer.



A few nights later I was out in the darkness. Angels normally prefer daytime, but nighttime is good too, for it was shrouded in mystery. Especially a night like Friday, when everyone is going home to rest for the weekend and there was no danger in the wild.

Perhaps Yue agreed.

I landed from the sky on the ground in the playground where the penguin slide was. I was looking at the one ton structure with no thoughts clicking in my mind. Occasionally I would remember the Change Card and all the torture it had put me through. Or the Power Card, how it had caused so much trouble just by flipping that slide.

I did not fold my wings. And Yue was there.

" What in the world..." I heard a voice breath, and I turned around. Yue was there, his own wings unfolded, and he was looking at me with his eyes full of amazement. But his mouth was pursed into a thin line and he was soon silent.

I looked into the future. Just a few more days left, Sakura. Just a few more days.

" Konbonwa, Yue-san." I said. " Do you enjoy the night as well?"

Yue hesitated. " What are you doing out here?" He asked.

I laughed. It was a quiet, amused laugh. " Those were the last words you spoke to me." I said. " The last words before you took me to your house and before I broke down. Remember?"

Yue was silent.

" You're curious." I continued. " You want to know why I have wings."

Silence.

" Is it a problem for me to have wings like yours, Yue?" I asked. " After all, wings give freedom to the birds. Why not humans? But there, I'll tell you what happened in two words. I died."

Yue flinched. " N-Nani?"
" You heard me." I said gently. " I did not commit suicide. Remember that night when I fell weeping? It was the same night my family died. And do you know how they died?"

There was a kind of void between us. Yue was tense. I was not. And it was strange, because in life, I was the one that was tense.

" They were killed." I said. " They were chopped up into little pieces. Their blood flooded the halls. And that night when I went out, I received a phone call from my cousin. He told me what happened."

" That was why you were out..." Yue said after a moment.
" Hai." I smiled. " That was why I couldn't tell you Yue." I started to advance towards him. He didn't move back.
" And the next day I ran to you during lunch." I continued. " I tried to tell you, but all I managed was one sentence that you couldn't understand. Perhaps you never will."
" They came for you too."
" I guess you do then."
" They came for you too. But..."
" The body? Chopped into pieces like the rest. It is still in my apartment, Yue. You are speaking to the soul here. I am a real angel, Yue. I was chosen to be an angel. And in fact, I'm not just an angel. I'm a Seraph. Seraphs are not rulers, you know," I stopped in front of him. " They are really powerful angels."

Yue was silent. Did he care at all? Perhaps, perhaps not. Somehow I doubted that even Yue could have such a cold heart.

" Poor Yue." I said softly. " Heartbroken and alone. When Clow smiled at you you felt so warm, so loved." I reached out and took his hand. " Remember how cold your hands were on mine? Rejoice, for mine are colder now."

Yue gasped, and I smiled. His hands felt warm to me now, because I was more than ice cold.

" Before, if you touched your own hand like this, you will feel like mine hands. Cold. Because you yourself were warm. Then Clow Reed died, and he left you, lonely and wretched with your sorrow. And you turned cold, so bitter, so cold."

" I was his descendant, Yue. But you never saw a descendant in me." I looked at him sadly. " You only saw a failure. And perhaps I was. I am not like Clow Reed. I was lonely. I was as lonely as you are, young though I was. You never saw that. You saw a failure. And perhaps I was, for where would I have been if I was successful? And with the hopelessness you yourself felt, you destroyed me."

Yue blinked, surprised. He did not understand. I smiled at him.

" Remember that day in the park?" I asked. " That day when I wondered whether I should go home or not, for after all I failed the judgment and Sakura no longer needed me. Or so I thought, then. You came, in all your glory and splendor, and told me that my destiny lies on other paths, but all stay with Sakura. So I stayed. So I died."

Yue swallowed and his hands began to tremble. I held on to them firmly. I was not angry. It was hard to get angry when you're dead. I was simply sad though.

" You lied Yue." I whispered, not blaming him, but simply stating the fact. " You lied to me like everyone did. You told me that my destiny lies with Sakura."

Yue started trembling even more. I finally let him go. He took a step back, his eyes forever on me.

" Do you care about me Yue?" I asked. " For after the demons are gone, you will see me no more. This is the last battle, Yue. This is the last time you'll see Clow's descendant waving his sword. This is the last time you'll see him holding Sakura's staff along with herself, commanding the cards to her will. This is the last time. Will you miss me when I go?"

The wind scattered the leaves on the ground and the night was becoming cold. Above, the moonlight shone brightly, the sky twinkling with the stars. Shadows loomed as carlights turned, and the sounds of the night muffled by the leaves became loud as the silence between us stretched. Next to us, the Penguin slide seemed to grow. Bushes rustled with the night creatures and an owl hooted.

Yue's answer came with the wind and it was just as soft, like a whisper in the night. But his eyes spoke for him and his words carried to me as if the wind was delivering it to me on purpose. And as he spoke I saw the first tear fall from the guardian's eyes as we stared at each other. He did not sob as I did, only wept quietly, in sorrow and longing. And his answer carried past me over through where the trees clustered together, and as it did all the sounds seemed to stop. Another tear, glistening, made its way down.

" If course I will, Syaoran."