Chapter 3
There are things to know about Yukito. Once he knows something, he can't but help but tell someone, and the first person he tells is the person he trusts most. Namely Touya, who was by no means my best friend.
The first thing I did was threaten the two of them, and it was no empty threat
either. I had the ability to curse just as all other immortals do, and being a Seraph,
my curses are more terrible. So I threatened them with pain. They wisely believed it.
They spoke not a word to a soul.
Touya grimaced. The next thing they did to me was come to my apartment. At first I was puzzled, but then there was the jar.
" It's all rotten!" Touya cried, pulling back. " Gross!"
" Arigatou." I answered. Yue pushed me back from the jar so we could all stay
away from it. The stench was terrible.
" So...what are you planning to do with it?" Touya asked, and I knew he was
apologetic for acting that way.
" Burn." I answered. " Burn it on tall flames, when the demons turn to ash."
" Faggots." Touya muttered for no reason.
" So you're keeping it until you get the revenge."
" Not revenge." I answered. " I'm not looking for vengeance."
" Then why?"
" I certainly can't have a funeral for myself while I'm still visible to everyone." I
answered. " I can't burn it on the stove because it's not hot enough for that body. I
have to wait until the right moment, and demons burn hotter than any other coal."
" So you're going to guard the pot."
" Or feed it to the dogs. The problem is there are no stray dogs around here."
Yue looked at me. " You have little respect for your body."
" It's only a body." I answered, slightly annoyed. " And besides, you never
respected me as a living person either."
" What makes you think that?"
" Onegai."
Yue closed his eyes and sighed.
When I was alive I remember I use to hate Japanese. I hated learning it and I
hated speaking it. When I was preparing to come to Japan I had to learn English. I
hated that as much as I hated Japanese.
It wasn't that I had any problem with the Japanese or the English. The Chinese government, as crazy as all governments are, may have had quite some problem with the Yamato's and Clinton and Bush. But those disagreements are between the governments alone and the residents and citizens don't take part in it. Nor was it that I had any problem with the culture. Japan, quite frankly, copied from Chinese, and to hate their culture would mean to hate mine, and if I did, I certainly would be much more unhappy. The English culture appeared quite primitive and uninteresting, so I had no reason to hate it.
I thought the languages sound horrible. Japanese sounds too sharp and English sounds too soft. Of course, French is worse, and Spanish is more or less the Roman type of Japanese, but Japanese and English were the only two languages I had to learn.
Ever since I became an angel, I realized that all mortal languages were the same. All have one word that stands for an object. Sometimes two, sometimes one word could stand for two objects. All have simple words for emotion. Love. Hate. Ai, Hen, Amor.
The Angel language is not a language. We do not really speak. Sometimes we do sing, but it's very rare. Our exhalation speaks for itself and we know what it means. A deep sigh can mean many things, relief, depression, and so on, and that, perhaps, is not odd to mortals. But it can also be a question. Why? Who? And to continue that question, we inhale, letting the air move through our teeth, creating a soft hiss. Sometimes we move our lips, our tongue, and simple movements carry auras, letting the listener feel our question, feel our thoughts.
It can only be understood if one hears us, and that cannot be so here. Yet it is probably not hard to imagine that the Angel language was the most beautiful language of all, even more so than the French.
Why am I saying all this? Because that was what I thought about that day during Japanese class. I thought about how everything was. So I thought about this class and all the horrors I've forced myself through.
This whole ordeal is so funny.
" Li Syaoran?"
Again. Does he really think I would doze off, especially since I just came from Japanese class to math?
Apparently, he didn't. Terada-sensei in fact looked concerned. I sighed. Albino. Kuso.
" Stay here after class."
I ought to have figured that it was worth spending so much money on
tanning lotion, because now Terada knows too much, or thinks he knows. I saw no
reason to deny it as long as I could keep his mouth shut. I knew I could always
brainwash him, but usually that takes so much energy because I have to search
within the cells to find which signal was which. I certainly don't want to erase a
protein; then he'll forget who he was.
However, I was not pleased at all. Three people already know of my secret and that was already too much. Far too much. I need some way to ensure my secret.
Calling up I sent for Tsu Yen. Silently we discussed matters. Tsu Yen thought that brainwashing the three of them wouldn't be wise. The best thing to do was to set a spell, so that whenever they begin to reveal the secret, something clever stops them.
We set to work. It was a simple spell. It wasn't long before all three of them fell under it, and Tsu Yen went back to Paradise.
" Akasatana, hamayarawa"
It was an interesting dream. I was learning Japanese in that dream, but I wasn't learning it. There was another person, another Syaoran, about seven years
old, learning Japanese, saying the first words, the alphabet which, naturally, had no
meaning whatsoever.
" Aiueo, kakikukeko, naninuneno,"
" You were so small then."
I looked to my right. It was Nadeshiko.
" Hahihuheho, mamimumemo, lalilulelo,"
" Hai, you were small then." She smiled.
" Seems so long ago." I answered.
" Do you wish you were still alive?"
" Iie, not really."
" Not even for Sakura?"
I paused. I would go back for Sakura.
" She doesn't need me."
" How do you know?"
I paused again.
" Should I really go back for your daughter, Nadeshiko?" I asked. " You know
there is a drink."
" A drink of forgetfulness." She nodded.
" When I drink it I will forget my love for her."
" And be forever happy."
I looked at the younger version of myself writing those ugly characters that Japanese use. Or at least, I thought them ugly that time. I use to describe them as squashed flies. Later I learned to find some beauty in them.
" You never know. Maybe I will not drink it."
" I doubt it. I think you will."
" Why do you say that?"
" Because the angels want you to."
I laughed bitterly. " Don't you think it odd? That Angels will reject love when
this is the type they are known for."
" The thing with you is," Nadeshiko admitted sadly, " Your love will cause you
great unhappiness."
" And I'm the youngest Seraph there ever will be." I answered. " Someone actually
cares for me up there."
" You have friends in the living world too, you know."
" But not friends I can trust my heart with."
" Are you sure about that?"
I looked at Nadeshiko. " So frivilous, you know. Do you really think they will
understand?"
" Give them time, Syaoran. When they are older they'll understand you better."
" But then I'll be older, if I am alive."
Nadeshiko saw what I meant.
" Ai Syaoran, you grow too fast."
" I've stopped growing for now."
" Watashi no Syaoran des."
" A B C D E F G, H I J K L M N O P,"
Nadeshiko held my hand for a moment as the dream began to fade.
" The last dream you'll ever have." She said.
" The last one." I answered.
And then the dream faded into nothingness.
" AAAH!" I cried, writhing. Blood was everywhere. I screamed again, shrieking in
pain and terror, as the knife plunged through. Then, a scream that seemed to ring,
" IIEEE!"
" Having nightmares yet?" I asked Touya. Touya made a face, and only held my
hand tighter.
" You'll kill your epithelial cells." I said. And it was true. My skin was so cold it will
freeze his hand literally.
" Shizuka ni."
" Funny. I'm dead, and I still have nightmares."
" Would you shut up?" Touya glared. " Otherwise, I'll tell."
" No you won't." I answered. " I made sure of that."
" Just shut up, alright?"
The last word sounded like a sob and because of that I decided to remain quiet. I felt Touya stop and crouch down, letting me go and burying his face into his hands.
His body was trembling and he was unable to maintain his balance. He fell back.
I sighed. I wrapped my arms around him and rubbed his back.
" It's going to be alright." I said to him. " Don't cry. It's not that bad."
" You think." He sobbed, rubbing his eyes. " We should have done something, and
someone should have followed you home or something like that!"
I swallowed.
" And now you're here as if you're all alive and all, but who knows, maybe tomorrow I won't see you anymore, and no one else will either."
" Oni-chan! Oni- Hoe?" Sakura blinked. Touya rubbed his eyes and got up.
" I fell." He explained.
" Oni-chan..." Sakura said very slowly, " Were you crying?"
Touya turned to me for help. In order to protect him, I began laughing.
" Baka cries because he fell. Yeah right, even I couldn't do that. How can a
seventeen-year-old guy start bawling because he fell?" I snickered. " Although it
would be interesting-"
" Urusai!"
Sakura laughed and forgot about it. " Yukito-san just bought some Chinese
buns. Want to come?"
" Ugh, I've had enough Chinese buns." Touya muttered. " That restaurant sells too
much and it's all oily and icky."
" I'm not hungry." I answered.
Then I would have started sweating if Angels sweat. Sakura gave me this queer look that held suspicion and perplexion. Tilting her head, she let me go. I released a mental sigh of relief. I do not need her to know.
The lake was not a large lake, but in the darkness of the night, one could
hardly tell. The air had a fresh scent to it, that of grass covered with morning dew,
or of cool mornings after gentle rains. The moon shimmered in the water and was
surrounded by many glittering stars. Surrounding the water were dark green moss
that grew to ferns and grass. Wildflowers littered up along the bank. Trees lined
around the lake, creating a forest behind.
I stared at my reflection in the water. I am so different now. I was no longer frustrated as I was before, a boy with hidden rage. I was calm. I was at peace. Yet in my heart I felt sorrow. There is still beauty in this world. But I knew one day the humans will destroy it all. And all that will be left are paintings from long ago, and perhaps photographs of what had been.
Most of the card captures Sakura and I have had in the past took place at night, like this. It was not at the lake, but at the park, but still there was an eerie darkness about it. As if everything had stopped just for us, the two of us, as we waited for whatever card that will attack.
It was strange how day and night differ. In the mornings and afternoons, Sakura was a happy girl, bright and pretty, a simple girl of ten years living her life to the fullest. At night, however, she was no longer so bright. Darkness dims even the brightest of stars. Sakura turned from a happy, bright and simple girl into a beautiful, deadly, cautious mistress. She was powerful. She was intelligent. And in the darkness, her innocence and ignorance shone like bright flame.
The night was cool and calm. The wind occasionaly moved through the grass, sending ripples over the water. I looked up at the sudden movement within the trees.
Yue moved quietly but I knew he was there. He knew that too, and for a while we stood, facing each other, with nothing else moving or making a sound.
Suddenly, I wanted comfort. I wanted the warmth of love and affection coming from someone, anyone who was alive. I half expected Yue to satisfy my desire. But how would he know? He was a cold guardian. For a moment I felt the world draw away from me and I stood alone, watching it through my eyes and mine alone.
Yue stretched out his hand. For a moment I stared at it. Yue never did that before, stretching his hand out to a troubled boy. Now he was stretching it out to a fellow but dead angel. He held it out too late. But even so, better late than never.
I took it. His hand was warm. I briefly wondered what my hand felt like. I was glad Sakura never touched me. If she had, all doubts will be erased.
What would she do if she knew I was leaving her? Would it trouble her as much as say, her brother leaving for college?
" You are troubled." Yue observed as he pulled me closer to him. " Perhaps you
ought to go back."
" Nay, being here clears my mind." I answered. " What brings you here?"
" You." Yue answered truthfully. " Sakura is getting suspicious."
" I know." I replied.
" When will you tell her?"
" Perhaps never." I answered. " Perhaps I'll lie. Tell her that I am going to Hong
Kong. And never come back."
" She'll never believe that."
" Why?"
" Because your aura will be gone."
" She'll muse that mystery on her own, then."
" She'll suffer, Syaoran."
I looked over at the lake. " Maybe not." I answered. " I can make her forget that I even existed. Forget my name, forget my personality. I can even make you forget. Would you like that?"
Yue hesitated. I smiled bitterly.
" I can grant you one wish." I told him. " A single wish. I know you have one above
all others. You're a being with few wants."
" Hai," He said slowly. " I do have one wish. And it's not to forget you. That will
not solve anything."
I nodded. " It wouldn't, indeed."
We remained silent for a while. The grass and bushes rustled.
" I don't want to feel pain any longer." Yue whispered. " I only want...my joy back."
I studied Yue carefully and I saw an angel hidden inside, tainted by the pain of many deaths, but doomed to be immortal and forever serve a master doomed to die.
Clow had many faults. He created his guardians with no thought of what was good for them. He created the cards to store the power and harness it and use it like a god. He created guardians to keep the cards under control. But even then, Clow had not stopped. He tried to make himself immortal. At last his wisdom returned and he realized his fate. So he designed the cards better, and created Yue, the judge of the new masters. But even there he had not given thought of how this will hurt Yue, how much pain it will bring, simply because he was immortal serving one who will die.
Yue was not cold.
" There is an easy way to ease your pain." I said to him gently, and Yue blinked in surprise. I smiled and continued. " You are an angel. You are born of the moon. You have the beauty and heart of an angel and even the wings. You even have immortality. All you need is to be in the right place."
Yue's lips parted slightly and he gazed at me with surprise. I smiled again and stopped him from talking.
" But," I continued, " there is a catch. You must throw away your duties as a guardian. This ritual will require you to be complete and not just some magical form with a conscious. Your departure will bring great pain to others. You will abandon your master. You will abandon her brother. You will abandon your fellow guardian. Are you willing to do that?"
Yue began trembling. " Is there no other way?"
" There are other ways, but your joy will not last long." I answered. " And I will not wait for you. You will be trapped here, with your random joy."
Yue paused. I knew what he was going through. It was a difficult decision.
" As Seraph," I said to him softly, " I give you little words of cold comfort, but comfort all the same. You can always watch over them. And that will prove more useful then you being here."
Yue backed away a little.
" Will they remember me?" He asked.
" If you want them to." I answered. I looked over at the lake.
" As an immortal you can look at this lake if you choose to stay." I said to him. " And watch as this lake becomes filled with rotten bodies. Slowly the air will become like the air around my broken body and all will be filled with death. You can watch as the earth becomes filthy and covered in salt. You'll watch as beauty dies and your masters become crueler and harsher as they would need to be in the cruel and harsh world. Or you can come with me. And all will be peaceful. You will suffer no want. There will be joy all around in the land of the untainted."
Yue whispered like he did that night when he realized who I was. And like that night the whisper carried its way to the trees.
" You say this battle will be your last battle with Sakura. That is also mine."