DISCLAIMER: Everything FFVIII belongs to Squaresoft. Except Joe Walsh's songs.



[INTERIOR. Balamb Garden Weight Room.]

[FADE IN to room, and we see a guy- from the back- with long, dark hair laying on a bench, lifting a barbell in time to a funky piano tune.]

V.O.
Uh-huh... I like big tits!
Uh-huh!

[PAN SLOWLY around the bench, until we see Irvine Kinneas, grinning to himself, his eyes closed as he benchpresses.]

IRVINE
You see 'em on the street...
left and right!
I like big tits!
That's right!
I try to look away
but I can't resist!
Every time I try to call it quits...
here come some tits!
Uh-huh!

[CUT TO another young man, standing by the wall, a dumbell in each hand, lifting them also to the music.]

YOUNG MAN #1
That's a big 10-4, big tits!
Yeah, that's what it is!
Uh-huh!
I like big tits!

[PAN RIGHT to another young man on the other side of the dumbell display, also lifting.]

YOUNG MAN #2
What it is!
I like big tits!
Uh-huh!

[PAN RIGHT to another young man, who happens to be watching YOUNG MAN #2's derriere as he jumps rope. When the camera stops on him, he blushes and turns away. We'll call him ASS MAN.]

[PAN RIGHT to a young man not too far from him, who is sitting at a pulley machine.]

YOUNG MAN #3
Tits!... Hehe!

[CUT TO IRVINE, still pumping.]

IRVINE
Well they come in twos!
Hard to choose...
your favorite tit!

[CUT TO YOUNG MAN #2.]

YOUNG MAN #2
Uh-huh!

[CUT TO IRVINE.]

IRVINE
I like tits for dinner...
or a noontime snack!
I like tits for lunch!
A big tit attack!

[CUT TO YOUNG MAN #1, who smacks his lips and licks them.]

[CUT BACK TO IRVINE.]

IRVINE
I like tits for breakfast...
eggs benedict tits!
Uh-huh!

[CUT TO YOUNG MAN #2, nodding.]

YOUNG MAN #2
Uh-huh!
What it is...
Tits!

[CUT TO IRVINE, who has placed the barbell on its rest and is in the process of sitting up on the bench.]

IRVINE [playfully]
They're where it's at!

[ZOOM OUT slightly, and YOUNG MAN #1 pops his head into view beside Irvine.]

YOUNG MAN #1
Tits!

[IRVINE high-fives YOUNG MAN #1.]

IRVINE
They give me shiiiivers...
when they bounce around!
Buckled up, or draggin' on the ground!

[YOUNG MAN #2 pops his head into view.]

IRVINE, YOUNG MAN #1 and YOUNG MAN #2
I love those tits!

IRVINE
Uh-huh!

YOUNG MAN #3 [O.S.]
Woo!... Uh-huh!

[IRVINE looks over at YOUNG MAN #3 and grins, nodding.]

IRVINE
Tits...
Says it all for me!

[YOUNG MAN #1 and YOUNG MAN #2 make grabbing motions on their chests.]

YOUNG MAN #1 and YOUNG MAN #2
Tits...

YOUNG MAN #3 [O.S.]
Uh-huh!

[IRVINE points to himself and nods, grinning.]

IRVINE
I'm a tit man!

YOUNG MAN #3 [O.S.]
Uh-huh!

YOUNG MAN #1
I like big tits!

YOUNG MAN #2
Me too!

[IRVINE starts to shake his shoulders as YOUNG MAN #2 walks out of view to the right.]

IRVINE
They give me fiiits!

[CUT TO YOUNG MAN #2, who is squeezing ASS MAN's jaw.]

YOUNG MAN #2 [high-pitched]
I like big dicks!

[CUT TO IRVINE and YOUNG MAN #1, laughing.]

[There is the sound of a record scratching to a stop.]

O.S. VOICE [high and feminine]
Irvine!

[CLOSE UP on IRVINE's face as his head snaps up.]

[CUT TO SELPHIE, standing in the doorway, her hands on her hips. Her lips are twisted, and her eyebrow is raised.]

[CUT TO IRVINE, grinning nervously.]

IRVINE
Sefie!

[CUT TO SELPHIE, flipping Irvine off.]

[CUT TO IRVINE, giving her a mock-pathetic look. After a moment, the sound of a door slamming reverberates through the room.]

[ZOOM OUT to see IRVINE and YOUNG MAN #1 looking at the door, mouth slightly open. IRVINE's mouth twists into a sly grin. YOUNG MAN #2 walks into view and puts his hand on IRVINE's shoulder, glancing toward the door and chuckling.]

YOUNG MAN #2
She got big tits.

IRVINE [nodding]
Yeah, she do.

ASS MAN [O.S.]
You guys are sick!

[IRVINE, YOUNG MAN #1 and YOUNG MAN #2 all follow ASS MAN with their eyes as he storms by, swiveling his hips. They snicker.]

IRVINE [purses lips]
I could never be your woman...

[They all laugh.]

[CUT OUT.]