Disclaimer

I am a poor starving artist with no intentions of making money off of this. I own absolutely none of the characters herein, and have created this sheerly for my own enjoyment and the enjoyment of anyone who reads it. Please don't sue me.

This Side Down

Part Three

No Need for Kuno

The students still watching the fight from the school window had a poor view of what was going on.

"Hey...did it seem like Tenchi's body was a little...smaller...all around?"

"Must be an illusion."

Akane hurried to the stairs. She knew that Kuno wouldn't let a little thing like a concussion slow him down. She had to get to Tenchi before he did.

Kuno lay on the concrete deck surrounding the pool. He closed his eyes and considered the last moments of the battle.

A woman. Yes...that was most definitely a woman. Which can only mean one thing...

He sat bolt upright, fist clenched.

"Masaki Tenchi, do you think you have escaped?"

"Man, that hurt!"

Tenchi was currently seated on a limb halfway up one of the larger trees in the Furinkan High School lot. She stripped off her sodden pants and wrung them out.

Man, Kuno's a pain. And he didn't have to squeeze me so hard! Feh. Well, I guess he knows about my secret now...

"Tenchi, you fool!"

"Huh?"

She looked down. Akane stood at the base of the tree, hands clasped behind her back.

"Akane, what--"

"Just how dumb can you be? I mean, jumping into the swimming pool of your own free will!"

"Hey, I didn't know it was there!"

"I bet you want this..." She raised the kettle that she had hidden behind her back.

"Yes! Please!"

"Whither Masaki Tenchi?"

"Huh?" Akane glanced behind her. "Oh, no. It's Kuno-sempai. Here, catch!" She tossed the kettle to Tenchi, then ran to intercept Kuno.

Tenchi lunged outward to catch the kettle, but at the last minute, lost his grip on the tree limb. Both he and the kettle plummeted to the ground.

"Owww...oh, look at the little birdies..."

"Kuno-sempai! I challenge you!"

Kuno turned in surprise, then grinned. "Akane, oh Akane...never did I dream that you would challenge me...so be it! If you win, I shall allow you to date me."

"So who'd want to date you?" Tenchi, change back into a boy while I buy you some time...

Tenchi had just managed to sit up, and was reaching for the kettle.

"Fear not, fair maiden, I shall endeavour to lose..." Kuno lunged forward with a downward stroke. Akane caught the bokuto between her hands, then pulled him backward. One sneaker was planted firmly in his stomach, and he was launched into the air...directly towards Tenchi.

KLONG

Tenchi blinked at the sight of Kuno balanced on his head...on the kettle.

"We meet again."

"Huh?"

Akane ran over. "Why are you still a girl?"

Tenchi gestured weakly at Kuno. "Why do you think!"

"Tell me, did you see where that boy with the buzz-cut went? That coward, running away from a fight!"

"No doubt he feared your prowess with the blade, eh, Kuno-sempai?" Tenchi smirked, then pushed Kuno off the kettle.

THUMP

"That hurt, you know."

"Sorry." She picked up her bokuto and turned to Akane. "Let's get out of here."

"Hold, fair lass." Kuno had managed to stand up, and was pointing his sword at Tenchi. "You dare carry a blade? You, a mere female? You must prove your worth to me before I permit you such an honour."

Tenchi looked at him oddly. "You do know it's the nineties, right? The nineteen-nineties?"

"None but a warrior may carry a katana."

"But it's just a bokuto..."

"It is still a weapon. If you knew the code of bushido, you would realize that, and if you do not, then you certainly have no right to the blade. Unless, of course, you are without honour..."

"That's it! You're toast!" Tenchi snapped to a ready position.

"Ah, a challenge. Very well, fair maiden. If you defeat me, I shall allow you to date with me!" Kuno lashed out with the bokuto.

"And who's asking for a date, anyway?" Tenchi parried the shot, then smashed Kuno across the face with the blade. Kuno staggered back, then collapsed.

"Guess I've earned the right to carry this." Tenchi turned back to Akane. "Let's go."

"But school isn't over yet..."

"I don't really care. I know this place that serves great okonomiyaki, and after that, we can go see the matinee..."

The chef - the only employee in the okonomiyaki shop, it seemed - set the plates on the table, then retreated behind the grill. The two girls cheerfully dug in.

"I'm glad I found this place. Best okonomiyaki in town."

"It is...good..."

"So, Akane, tell me all about yourself."

She reddened slightly. "I'm not...really sure where you want me to start."

"Well, start with likes and dislikes."

"Okay...I like martial arts, though I'm sure you realized that...I enjoy cooking, though I wish I was better--"

"You probably are. Or at least, better than me."

She snickered. "Right. Anyway...I like skating, and I like acting, a lot. It's probably what I'm going to major in when I reach college. I took a drama course last year, but there's no drama course at my level this year, and I don't really want to take the same course twice...but I'm still in the drama club. I really enjoy Shakespeare."

I'm betting there's at least one like that she's not mentioning...but I'll ignore it for now. She nodded. "What about dislikes?"

"Well...I'm not really hot on boys..."

"I gathered. Um...lady? Could I get some hot water?"

"No problem, sugar."

"Thanks." She turned back to Akane. "So I'm guessing you're really dead set against this arranged marriage thing?"

"Ummm...no offense, Tenchi, but I'm really too young to get married just yet." Akane looked down. "And you're a nice guy, but really, I don't know you at all."

"I agree. I mean, I'm too young, too." She accepted the kettle from the cook, then casually poured it over her head, causing the aforementioned cook to yelp. "But Grandfather's made it clear to me that I have to go through with it. The good news is, that whomever I pick, I don't actually have to marry until I'm thirty. Just engagement at this stage."

"Oh." She picked at the remains of her okonomiyaki. "Well, I guess that's a little better..."

"You still don't sound too enthusiastic."

"You expect me to be?"

"Nope. I wasn't happy either, even after I was told the exact conditions. I mean, basically my choices for potential wives was cut down from several million to three. Not really what I would call a broad range of options, even as diverse as you three are. What else do you dislike?"

She thought about it. "There's not really a lot, I think. I can't stand it when someone doesn't take me seriously."

"I think that one's universal."

"I can't stand Kuno."

"That one's universal, too."

She grinned. "I think so, too." She looked down. "Well, I'm done. How are you doing?"

"Ready to go." He picked up the bill and stood up. "Let me just get this, and we can go catch the movie. Oh, and by the way...thanks."

"For what?"

"Trying to stall Kuno."

"...You're welcome."

The bell rang, signalling the end of the class. Nabiki leaned back and pulled out a magazine. Next period was self study, and she felt like studying the latest fashions in Paris.

Japanese fashion is so...stunted.

"Tendo Nabiki."

She sighed. Business time. She set aside the magazine. "Yes, Kuno-chan?" The tone of voice she used was chosen specifically to cause cavities.

"I have need of your services."

"Really? Do tell."

"There is a new student in these halls, a girl with red hair. Do you have knowledge of her?"

"You know the routine, Kuno. Money first."

Kuno scowled, then placed a thousand yen bill on the desk before her.

"Oh, no, Kuno-chan, that won't be nearly enough for this information." She grinned.

"Truly thou art a mercenary beyond peer, Tendo Nabiki." But he replaced the bill with five thousand yen.

"Better." She pocketed the bill.

"Now then, Tendo Nabiki, do you know of this fire-haired girl?"

"Sure I know her. The girl with the rat-tail and chinese clothes, right?"

"Tendo Nabiki...is this true?"

He seated himself at his desk, pulled out ink, pen and paper, and proceeded to write. Nabiki looked on in interest.

Kuno grinned maniacally to himself. If she thinks that she can simply defeat the great Kuno Tatewaki and walk away, she thinks wrongly indeed!

"Y'know, Kuno-chan, for another thousand yen, I'll deliver this to her personally."

"Here you go, Tenchi."

"Huh?"

Nabiki was holding a small piece of paper in front of Tenchi's nose. There was writing on the paper, which Nabiki had thoughfully held upside-down. Since Tenchi was currently standing on his head, this made it easier for him to read.

Tenchi rolled to a proper sitting position, then took the letter. It was addressed to "The Tree-Borne Kettle Girl."

"This is to me?"

"Well, to your female half, anyway. I don't think he realizes that you're the same person."

"'On Sunday in the tenth hour, meet me at the second field at Furinkan High.'"

Akane grinned. "Sounds like a challenge."

Nabiki nodded. "Kuno-chan just hates to lose."

Tenchi considered the matter. "Well, I've already beaten Kuno to a pulp once this week...there's no need for a grudge match." He crumpled the paper and tossed it into the nearest wastebin. "I'm not going to lose any sleep over this. Getting up before noon on Sunday is very far down on my list of things to do."

True to his word, Tenchi managed to avoid rising until one o'clock Sunday. The "Dawn Surprise Attack" launched by his father resulted in a badly beaten panda and Tenchi returning to bed. A bucket of cold water and numerous camera clicks also failed to wake...her. Neither did the warm water poured on her later. When he finally did appear, shuffling downstairs and knuckling the sleep from his eyes, Nabiki handed him another note.

"Here you go, Tenchi-kun. Seems that Kuno's still got that burr up his backside."

Tenchi sighed. "Thank you, Nabiki-chan." Nabiki seemed a bit taken back by the -chan, but ignored it. Tenchi took the letter and deposited it, still unread, in the trashbin. Nabiki smirked.

"You know, Kuno's eventually going to get tired of you ignoring his challenges."

"I took him up twice on challenges. The first time, it was a tie. Actually, Pop won, if you want to get technical. The second time, I smeared him. I see no reason to take a third challenge, as I know that I'm better than him."

"Pretty full of yourself, aren't you?"

Tenchi glared at her. "Nabiki-chan...you could beat Kuno." He shuffled off towards the furo before Nabiki could reply.

Akane and Nabiki were in the garden when the next message arrived. The arrow came whistling over the garden wall and slammed into the dojo wall.

Akane dropped her barbells and stared at the arrow. "Damn. That's really dangerous. Someone could've been hurt by that."

Nabiki put down her camera and pulled the arrow from the wall. "Hey...there's a letter on it." She pulled it off and read it.

Tendo Nabiki-

Please meet me at five o'clock this evening at the fountain in the Nerima mall.

-Kuno Tatewaki

"That's odd." Akane was reading the letter over her shoulder. "Normally it's me he's asking for a date."

"I don't think it's a date, Akane-chan."

"Then what--"

"I don't know. But I'm definitely going." She grinned. "If it is a date...we'll just see how much money Kuno has on him..."

Nabiki stared at the plush panda Kuno had dropped in front of her.

"What is this?"

"It is a gift."

"No thanks."

"Did I say it was for you, Tendo Nabiki? This treasure, I save for my fire-haired goddess."

Nabiki thought about it for a moment. Those letters he's been sending Tenchi...and Tenchi beat him in combat while in girl form...that must mean... She burst out laughing.

Kuno stared at her oddly. She managed to regain control of her laughter and slapped down five photographs. "Set of five for five thousand yen."

Kuno grabbed the pictures. His eyes bugged out.

Of course, Nabiki knew that the pictures were well-taken. She'd been practising photography for better than eight years now, and had been developing her own pictures for the last three. She had an instinctive eye for a good shot. But she guessed that Kuno's reaction was more from the subject matter.

Tenchi, in girl form, curled up on her futon, looking almost completely vulnerable. (Not that he'd appreciate that statement.)

Tenchi fanning herself on the Tendo porch, a large panda in the background.

Another of Tenchi on the futon, this time sprawled on her back, her chinese shirt showing an almost indecent amount of cleavage.

A back shot of Tenchi taking off her shirt - she had almost no feminine modesty - there was an image of Soun in the background, spraying the area with his drink.

A shot of Tenchi in a wet T-shirt, Kasumi holding a garden hose and looking apologetic in the background.

"She is so...unreserved before the camera."

"Kinda like a boy, huh?" Nabiki had figured she could sell these pics to any of the perverts at school. But if the biggest pervert of them all was interested in her subject...

Kuno passed over the five thousand yen.

"You're really something, you know that?" Nabiki tucked the wad of bills down the front of her shirt. "I mean, just dropping Akane like that!"

"Dropping her?"

Nabiki stared at him.

"You're not going to two-time her!"

"Don't be so vulgar. Akane, so pure and innocent. The fire-haired girl, bursting with healthy energy. Both so dear to me that I cannot give either up! Would you call it deceit that I would openly wish them both?"

"No, I'd call it two-timing!" She slapped down five more photos. "Set of five for five thousand yen."

This time, the subject was Akane. All five photographs were of her engaged in physical activity - breaking bricks, lifting weights or practicing katas.

"Such...such ferocity. Sold!"

"For another ten thousand, I can tell you how to get your present to the fire-haired girl."

"You have my attention."

Tenchi and Akane had also gone to the mall.

I wish I'd known years ago how comfortable these chinese shirts are.

He'd already been to a uniform store and picked up three of the boy's uniform for Furinkan High. But he needed more casual clothes as well, until his stuff arrived from the Masaki shrine. He'd lost Akane momentarily when she'd gone into a lingerie store. No way was he going in there - he'd suffer from a terminal nosebleed. Or blunt trauma to the head.

"Masaki Tenchi!"

"Huh?" He glanced up. "Oh, Kuno. What do you want?"

"You will address me as upperclassman."

"But we're not in school right now..." He broke off as Kuno shoved the plush panda into his hands.

"Tell me why I must give this to you."

"You tell me!"

"Quoth Tendo Nabiki, 'The fastest way to get your gift to her is to give it to Tenchi.' How do you know my fire-haired goddess?"

There's something I'm not getting here, isn't there? He looked down at the panda. Fire haired goddess? And he wants to give her - me - a present...oh, no...

He tossed the panda back at Kuno. "Take my word for it...she's not interested in you."

"What?"

"Later, Kuno." Tenchi turned and walked around the corner.

Where he ran into a man carrying a glass of water. Cold water.

"Oh, sorry about that, miss. Are you okay?"

"Yeah...fine...thanks."

Kuno came barrelling around the corner. "Masaki Tenchi, where--Oh! You...you're that girl! How I've missed you--"

Kuno's glomp was halted by a delicate fist smashing into his face.

"Back off, Kuno."

"I shall never let you go!" This time, much to Tenchi's dismay, Kuno managed to grab her in a crushing embrace.

SPLASH

"Yeow!"

"Oh, I'm sorry, Tenchi. Was that too hot?" Nabiki, tea cup in hand, somehow managed to look innocent and conniving at the same time.

"Tenchi, you say?" Kuno looked confused. He glanced down - yep, hair was black.

"Okay, honey...time to let go."

Kuno staggered back in shock. Sure enough, it was Masaki Tenchi he had been holding.

"Do you get it now? Cretin."

"Where have you hidden the fire-haired one! I shall not be decieved by such trickery!"

Tenchi stared at him in shock. "Do you try to be stupid?"

Nabiki looked thoughtful. "Looks like he just won't get it unless we spell it out for him." She walked over to Kuno. "Listen, Kuno-chan. That girl you like...her body and soul belong to Tenchi."

"Her body...and her soul...you tyrant! Sasuke - bokuto!" Thus armed, he swung at Tenchi.

"Hmm...Sasuke - bokuto!" Sure enough, the diminutive ninja popped out and handed Tenchi a bokuto. He quickly parried Kuno's attack.

"Fiend! So you employ the same mystic ebon arts to enslave my personal bodyservant that you have used to corrupt the purity of the flame-haired beauty? You shall pay!"

Akane had just returned from her own errands, and watched the battle unfolding. What on earth is going on now?

"I shall fell you and free the crimson-locked maiden!"

"So if you lose, you'll forget about her?" Tenchi managed to get a blow in. Kuno staggered back, and a number of photographs drifted out of his clothes. Tenchi grabbed one.

Hey - this is a picture of me!

"Fool! You mock me with your inattention?" Kuno struck, hitting Tenchi in side. Tenchi rolled back and came to rest at Akane's feet.

"Tenchi, I think I'd better warn you...Kuno's a lot better fighter when he faces a guy."

"Thanks, Akane." He jumped back to his feet. "By the way, nice choice."

Huh? Then she remembered where she'd just come from. Why that--

But before she could pound him, he was back in the fray.

"I have you!" Kuno started a series of lightning-quick strikes. The wall behind Nabiki started to crumble.

"Whoa - just from the air pressure alone!" Nabiki stepped out of the line of fire, just in case Kuno lost his concentration.

Tenchi smirked. "You know, Kuno...speed isn't everything in this game."

He swung the bokuto, swinging between all of Kuno's attacks, and knocked the kendoist down.

"...because, quite frankly, your technique sucks."

Kuno stood back up, unsteadily. Tenchi walked up, put one finger on the upperclassman's forehead, and pushed.

THUMP

"Guess Kuno-sempai didn't have much."

"How did you..." Nabiki flipped Kuno over.

There was a red weal from hip to neck on Kuno. It almost looked like a burn. On closer inspection, it appeared that it was a long chain of very fast strikes.

"Wow. You must have been attacking even faster than Kuno. And you said speed wasn't everything."

"It isn't." He shrugged. "But it sure helps." He grimaced and rubbed his side. "He managed to get one one me, though. Man, that hurts."

Akane picked up Kuno's bokuto. "Oh, Tenchi...remember that comment you made to me during the fight?"

Uh-oh...

WHAM