TITLE: Helpless
DISTRIBUTION: Anywhere, just tell me where it's going.
SUMMARY: Post Showtime, but no spoilers. There's an apocalypse coming, and
this time there's nothing Buffy can do to stop it. How will she and the
others react to their impending doom? B/S, X/A, W/T (implied).
SPOILERS: Takes place after Showtime, but there are no spoilers.
DISCLAIMER: None of this is mine. It's all Joss's. I can't think of
anything more inventive, but that's probably cos it's 1 in the morning and
I've been typing this since 9 o'clock last night = ).
NOTE: To everyone who's reading my other story, Surfing with Spike, I
haven't given up on it! I just wanted to write something a little bit
different. I'm going to update it either today or tomorrow. Don't worry,
it's coming!
*******
Buffy walked slowly into the living room, her eyes looking round at the people huddled there. Willow, Xander and Dawn were sat on the couch, with Anya on the chair beside them. The Potentials were sat together in a corner. Spike was leaning against the wall. All were staring intently at the TV screen.
"Any more news?" She asked shakily, as she sat down next to Xander.
No-one answered her, as the news reader finished his report.
"The comet, estimated to be about the size of Pluto, is travelling towards Earth at an alarming speed. However, NASA officials say that they are making every effort to divert the comet, and urge the public not to worry."
Buffy gazed blankly at the screen, searching for words. When she eventually did speak, she sounded like a lost child. "So, is this it?"
Xander reached to turn off the TV, then turned to face her. "Is this what, Buff?"
"The end. Is it here?"
No-one dared answer her question for a long time. The silence was almost deafening, and unbelievably thick, as though they were all in a vacuum. Eventually, Willow ventured a response.
"Well, the news guy said that NASA was trying to stop the meteor. Maybe they'll manage it."
"They won't." Everyone turned to see Giles enter from the kitchen, a book clutched in his hand. "The comet's too big and it's travelling too fast. I'm afraid this is the apocalypse we read about. It's just like we thought it would be, except it's not a demon that's causing it. It's just nature."
Buffy stood up, her voice trembling. "How is this natural?" She was practically yelling, fighting back tears. "Tell me. How? How is the whole world being destroyed *natural*?"
"I'm afraid it is, Buffy," Giles said quietly. "This is what nature is like. Things begin. Things end. It's the way of the world."
There was that silence again, so quiet it was painful. After a moment, Kennedy stood up, trying to put on a brave face. She didn't want to appear weak in front of the Slayer.
"Not meaning to intrude, or anything, but how do we know that this isn't the First?" she asked, her voice trembling despite her efforts.
"What?"
She almost faltered under everybody's gaze, but managed to keep going. "How do we know that the First isn't making this happen? This could be it's apocalypse plan. I mean, it makes sense. It can't hurt people itself, so it sends a meteor to do the job."
"That's it!" Buffy turned to face Giles, almost begging it to be true. "The First is controlling this. That has to be it! So, all I need to do is kill the first, and the world'll be ok."
"I'm sorry, Buffy, but this isn't the First," Giles said soothingly, putting a comforting hand on her shoulder. "It may be strong, but it's nowhere near powerful enough to control these kinds of forces. This is just the way things are."
"But a demon must be doing this somehow. Just give me a weapon and tell me what to kill to stop it."
"I'm afraid there's nothing you *can* kill to stop it, Buffy."
"But then how am I supposed to save the world? Make the apocalypse averted, just like old times."
"You can't avert this apocalypse, Buffy."
"But I'm the Slayer. That's what I do!"
"This isn't a demon, Buffy. I'm afraid this is quite out of your hands."
The tears that had been threatening to fall started to make their way down Buffy's cheek. She looked around the room at everyone. Her friends, her sister, the girls who had been sent here for her to protect them. How could she protect any of them from this?
"I'll find a way!" she said forcefully. "There's a way to stop this and I'll find it!" She spun on her heel, and flew out of the house, leaving the door swinging open behind her.
It was a long time before anybody spoke again. Eventually, Willow got to her feet.
"I'd better go after her," she said quietly.
"She'll want to be alone," Xander said, coming to stand beside her.
"I don't understand why she acted like that," Willow said, fighting back the tears that were springing to her eyes. "I mean, we've face apocalypses before, and she's never reacted like this."
Xander put an arm around her, trying to find words to describe what Buffy was undoubtedly feeling. "Whenever there's an apocalypse, she can always try to stop it. But this. . . this she can't. She just has to wait and see what happens. We all do."
These words seemed to bring the reality of the situation to them all. Here they were, the Scoobies, the professional world savers, and there was nothing they could say or do to stop this. It would happen, regardless of how hard they tried.
Molly shakily got to her feet. "What's gonna happen to us now, Mr Giles? I mean, with the end coming an' all, I'd like to see me Mum before 'and."
"Of course," Giles said, cleaning his glasses pensively. "We'll make arrangements for you all to return home immediately. With all this happening, there is no longer any need for us to protect you."
********
Spike stood in the shadows, watching everybody running about, making preparations for the SITs to leave. Whether it was making phone calls, helping them pack or just preparing on-flight snacks, everybody seemed eager to help. It was almost as if having something to do made the impending doom less real somehow.
This didn't work for him, however. He didn't like apocalypses, never had done, and now one was coming and he could do nothing about it. He would've thought he'd welcome an apocalypse. It was a way for all that guilt to end. But somehow, he really didn't want the end to come. He guessed the reason started with a B.
He was surprised no-one had tried to go after her. She might be upset, but she shouldn't be alone. Not tonight. Making sure no-one was watching him, Spike slipped out of the door and set off after Buffy's scent.
*******
Buffy sat on Kingman's Bluff, her knees tucked to her chest as she watched the city below. She didn't really know why she had come here. This place was full of bad memories. The worst being when Angel had tried to kill himself. She could see his mansion from here, cold and empty where it stood. It reminded her of everything in her life. Everything that just kept going wrong.
She wiped the tears from her eyes as her gaze spread through the streets. There wasn't a single house without a light on. It seemed that no-one was sleeping tonight.
"You should go inside, luv. You'll catch the death of cold."
Buffy turned her head to see Spike approaching her, seemingly casual as he sat down on the grass. She looked back at the city, trying her hardest to ignore him. She wasn't sure how she felt about him being there. Half of her was glad he had come to comfort her. The other half just didn't want to be comforted.
"Strange, isn't it, how the world works," Spike said casually, as though he were merely commenting on the weather.
When Buffy didn't reply, he carried on.
"It never sets you up so that everything is perfect. Everything hurts. Everything has a price. Even if you get just what you wanted, something still isn't right. Something still hurts. Something's still wrong."
Buffy glanced at him slightly, but still tried to ignore him. This wasn't exactly the speech she'd been expecting.
"There's hunger. Pain. Hatred. War. Disease. And then there's evil. There's a lot of that. It's everywhere. In everything. Everyone. You can't escape evil. It's always there." He paused to take an unnecessary breath, then uttered thoughtfully, "You know, with all this pain, maybe the world ending isn't such a bad thing after all."
Buffy spun to face him, fuming. "How dare you say that! Think of all the people who are going to die!"
"At least their pain would be over," Spike said sadly. He then turned to look at his feet, trying to find the courage to tell her what he felt.
"It hurt, you know, falling in love with you."
Buffy hung her head sadly.
"Somehow though, it felt right. Like it was meant to be. And no matter how many times you put me down, I still felt it. It wouldn't go away. I wished with all my heart that you would fall for me. And eventually you did. But not really. You didn't love me. You didn't hate me any more, but you didn't love me. It was so strange. I had exactly what I wanted, but I was still sad. Because it wasn't what you wanted. Not really."
He paused, and looked up, out onto the city. "It was my fault, of course. So I went to fix it. Went to make it right. But I only made it worse. I went through the worst pain imaginable to get this soul. And once I got it, the pain just kept growing. I felt all the pain I had inflicted on everyone else, and it all built up to be unbearable."
Buffy looked at him, tears gathering once more in her eyes. "I'm so sorry, Spike."
"That wasn't the worst bit though. The worst was when you died. It was what I had wanted for so many years, and when it finally happened I couldn't live with it. It was all my fault."
"It wasn't your fault, Spike."
"Yes it was! I promised you I would protect Dawn, and I failed. If I'd managed to save her, even if I'd died in the process, then you would've made it."
He fell into silence, suddenly aware of what he had just told her.
"Why are you telling me this now?"
"Well, I just figured, luv, if we're all gonna die? I wanted you to know."
A million different thoughts and memories came to her at that moment, bombarding her. She remembered all that Spike had done for her in the last few years, and all that she had done to him. She considered her actions when he had been taken by the First, and suddenly everything seemed so clear. She knew what she needed to do.
"I love you, Spike." The words came out in a rush, so fast it was hard to make out what she had said. But she knew he'd figured it out.
He looked at her, wide-eyed. "What, pet?"
"I. . . I wish I'd said something before. I just, I didn't know before. I mean, I knew what I felt, but I didn't really realise what it was. And I'm babbling. I just wanted you to know. I couldn't let the world end without telling you."
Spike smiled, and put his arm around her. "The sun'll be up soon," he said quietly. "Do you want to go back home?"
"No," she said decidedly. "There's somewhere else I wanna go."
*******
Anya glanced at the clock, reading the numbers but not really understanding them. "It'll be morning soon," she commented quietly. "Buffy'll have to come back then."
Everyone turned to look at her, not quite understanding the statement.
"Why?" Willow asked.
"Well, she's probably with Spike. And he'll have to come back before sunrise, or he's toast."
"How can she be with Spike? Spike's here."
"No he isn't. He left a couple of hours ago."
They all looked round, and were amazed to discover that Spike wasn't there. They had been so wrapped up in their own thoughts they hadn't even noticed him leaving.
They all fell into silence again, but it was quickly broken by Giles coming in through the front door.
"Did they get off okay?" Dawn asked, concerned that something had happened to her friends.
"Yes, yes, they were fine. It was quite easy to get them all a flight. I guess with recent developments, people are putting off their holidays."
"What recent developments?"
Giles sighed heavily, and sank down in a chair. "NASA still haven't managed to divert it, which is not a surprise. They say if they don't manage it soon, it'll hit Earth soon after sunrise."
"Which part?"
"The USA mainly. When it enters our atmosphere it will break up slightly, sending smaller pieces to strike other parts."
"So that means it's Armageddon time," Xander commented dryly.
Dawn sprung to her feet, desperation evident on her face.
"So, there's really no way for us to stop this?"
Willow looked sympathically at Dawn. "We've gone over this, Dawnie. We can't do anything but wait."
"But, I thought you were all just over-reacting! Like you usually do, right before you save the world. There has to be something you can try this time!"
"But there isn't, Dawnie. It's not a demon, or a God, or a spell. It's nature."
"A spell! You could do a spell!"
"I can't. If I so much as attempt a spell that powerful, the First could possess me again. Besides I don't have that kind of power."
"You tried to end the world when you were evil. If you had enough power to do that, who's to say you can't save it?"
"Even if I did have that much power, I could go off the deep end again, attempting something so dangerous. And I don't want to end up killing people again."
Anya suddenly joined in with the argument, yelling with desperation. "So you might end up killing people. How is that any different from what will happen if you don't try?"
"I can't do this! Even if I wanted too, I don't know any spells that would work, and we don't have time to research."
"You know what I think," Anya said, shaking with anger. "I think you just want to be able to join your dead girlfriend without seeming suicidal. Why else would you refuse to try?"
Willow stared at her, not quite believing what she just heard. After a long moment, she turned and ran upstairs.
*******
Buffy and Spike walked through the graveyard in silence, eyes scanning the names on each of the tombstones. Eventually, they stopped walking, and Buffy knelt on the ground in front of the one she was looking for.
"Hi Mom," Buffy said shakily, laying a small bunch of flowers against the stone. "I don't know if you know what's happening or not, but I'm so scared. There's this comet coming to strike the earth, and I've got this feeling that we're all gonna die."
She paused, tears filling her eyes again. She wondered idly how many times she had cried that night.
"I wish you could be here to tell me what to do, Mom. I'm so lost without you. I just. . . I don't know what to do."
She broke down then, sobs escaping her and echoing around the graveyard. Spike knelt beside her and put his arm around her.
"Shhhh, pet. What's wrong?"
"It's just. . . she won't be here anymore. Once the world ends. She's buried on this earth, and if it's destroyed, she won't be here anymore. I won't be able to visit her."
"But you'll be able to see her. You'll go to heaven and you'll see her."
"What if I don't?" she asked, voicing her true fears for the first time. "What if I don't go to heaven? What if I go to hell. Or worse, what if I'm just stuck in limbo forever."
"Why would you say that? Why would you go to hell?"
"Because I've done so many bad things. I attacked Faith. I killed my boyfriend. I neglected my sister. I caused everyone around me so much pain, and I'm pretty sure it all adds up to a one-way trip to eternal torment for Buffy."
"Don't be stupid, luv. You're the world's warrior for good. You've saved so many lives. How can that add up to eternal torment?"
Buffy fiddled with the grass, trying to find the words. "I don't want to die, Spike," she said quietly, sounding more vulnerable than Spike had ever heard her be. "You'd think I wouldn't be afraid. I mean, I've died enough times before. But I don't want to die. Not like this. If I'm going to die, I want it to be a Slayer's death." She paused, trying to pluck up the courage to say it. "I want you to kill me."
"What?" Spike sprung to his feet. "Why would you say that?"
"I'm the Slayer. It's only right that I'm killed by a vampire. It's what I want, Spike. Please."
*******
Anya sat on the back steps, breathing heavily. She regretted saying all that stuff to Willow, even if it was what she had thought. That was just her, though. 'Say what you think Anya.' She always told everyone the first thing that crossed her mind. She regretted it now. She wished she had the guts to go upstairs and apologise. But she didn't. Guilt was the only thing she hadn't been able to master as a human. She had lived for over a thousand years without feeling it at all, and it was impossible to deal with it now.
She heard footsteps, and turned to see Xander sit down beside her.
"You said some nasty things in there," he said quietly. "Willow's pretty upset."
"I know," Anya whispered. "It's just. . . whenever there's an apocalypse I always run. Run as far away as I can, and hope that I'll be alright. But there's no-where for me to run now. And even if there was, I wouldn't be able to get there in time. The whole world's gonna be destroyed, and everyone's going to die. Including me."
"I know."
"And the thing is, I don't want to die. Not because I'm afraid of dying. Because I'm afraid of being nobody. That's who I am. Nobody. And I was hoping I'd become somebody before the end, but I'm won't. I'll be nobody forever."
"You're not nobody."
"Yes I am. I tried to be so many different things, but every time I did it wrong. I was a Viking girl, but I couldn't do that right. I was 'strange and far too literal' for that. Then I was a Vengeance Demon, but that was all I was. I had no personality. I lived for vengeance. Then I was Xander Harris's sex obsessed girlfriend, but I was obviously bad at that too, because I got left at the alter. I tried to be a magic shop owner, but then it got destroyed. I'm just nobody. I always have been."
"No you're not," Xander said firmly, taking her hand. "You're a Scooby. You're a person who has saved countless lives. You're a person who's saved the world, more than once. And you're still a dope for not realising that."
Anya smiled slightly. "Well, at least that's something."
"And you weren't a hopeless girlfriend. You were the best."
Anya's smile became real then, and she moved to rest her head against Xander's chest. "Thank you."
*******
Spike looked at Buffy for a long time, trying to think of a way to convince her not to make him do this. She was right, though. She was the Slayer. She deserved a Slayer's death.
He watched as she undid the top buttons on her shirt, and pulled her hair aside to reveal her bare neck.
"Please," she said shakily, looking deep into Spike's eyes, begging him.
He swept forward, and gently grabbed Buffy by the shoulders. She put her arms around his neck and pulled him closer. He didn't go for her neck, however. He leaned towards her, and planted a soft chaste kiss on her lips.
"I love you, Buffy," he whispered.
"I love you too, Spike," Buffy said, so quiet only someone with vampire hearing could have heard it.
In one quick movement, Spike bent down and bit into Buffy's neck. She went stiff, stifling a gasp of pain, as he started to drink. It was so intoxicating, drinking a Slayer's blood, that he forgot who she was and what was happening, and just drank it down in endless gulps.
Eventually, he felt his victim go limp, and he let her drop to the floor. It was then that he remembered what was going on, and he sank to his knees in agony. Reaching forward, he checked her pulse. It was gone. Unable to hide the misery that built up inside him, he threw back his head, and howled.
*******
Willow lay on her bed, her fingers running over the photo of Tara she held in her hand. If she ran her fingers over the lines of her face, and breathed deeply the scent that she got from Tara's dressing gown, she could almost imagine that Tara was really there with her, telling her not to worry, that everything would be okay.
She put the photo back down on the table and instead picked up the large crystal Tara had given her all those years ago, before they had got together. They had cast so many spells with it that it was almost as if it had their essence inside it, ready to be released in another spell. She looked deep in the core, and she could almost see Tara's face, smiling at her. Almost.
She held the cool crystal against her cheek, and felt it warm her, giving her confidence. She thought about what Anya had said to her earlier, about not wanting to help so that she could see Tara again. I wasn't true, she told herself. She could see Tara any time she wanted. All she had to do was close her eyes.
But maybe that was the reason, she thought quietly. Maybe, subconsciously, she wanted it all to be over. Maybe.
*******
Spike looked over at the horizon, still holding Buffy in his arms. He knew the world was going to end, very soon. But he couldn't wait that long. He couldn't deal with what he had just done for another second. He kept telling himself that he had done it for her, that this was what she had wanted, but all he could think about was the fact that he had killed her. Finally. It was what he had dreamed about for so long. And he had finally done it. He had loved her. She had loved him. But he had killed her.
He watched the sun rise slowly above the trees, spreading the world with light. Light which was creeping closer and closer to him.
He carefully placed Buffy's body next to her mother's grave. He was sure that that was where she would want to lie. Then he stood up, and walked towards the sunlight.
The rays lit his skin for a moment, dancing harmlessly. He thought how wonderful it felt to have the sun warming him again, after so long. If he was going to die, he wanted to have that feeling again.
Then the sweet sensation ended, as flames sparked. The pain was almost unbearable, but he liked it. It took over from the pain of what he had just done. As they engulfed his body, turning it slowly to ash, his last thought was what a mess he had made of his life, and his unlife. Even if he went to hell now, the torment there would have to be less than that of his time on earth. And with that, William the Bloody exploded into dust, the ashes scattered over the one he had loved.
*******
Dawn looked out of the window. The sun had come up, and that meant that the end was upon them. She could hear the noise from the TV, which she had put on to distract her from her thoughts. There was an End Of The World Special on. She sighed. TV was so lame.
And it wasn't working either. It wasn't distracting her from the one thought that was plaguing her brain. 'What will happen to me now.' She knew she wasn't really a human. She was the Key. So what happened to keys when they died? Did they go to Heaven, like normal people? Did they go back to being floating blobs of energy, somewhere in the universe? Did they just cease to exist? That option scared her the most. What happened to a person when they ceased to exist? It hurt her head to think about it.
She looked out of the window once more, and saw two suns floating in the sky. It took her a moment to realise that that was the comet. This was it.
*******
Willow sat in her room, a circle of protection surrounding her. She clutched the crystal in her hand, and the photo of Tara was placed in her lap. A few lit candles were scattered around the edge of the circle, and The Indigo Girls was playing quietly in the background. It struck her how similar this was to what the First had predicted for her death, and even though she wasn't committing suicide, this felt right.
She glanced out of the window, and saw the comet speeding towards the earth, growing larger and clearer with every second. She turned her gaze away, and went back to her meditation. She tried to clear her mind of all thought. Especially the one that was most prominent at that moment. This was it.
*******
Xander and Anya still sat on the back steps, looking out onto the garden. Neither of them had spoken since their exchange earlier, but Anya still had her head resting on Xander's chest, and he had his arms around her in a protective embrace.
As they both sat, contemplating their lives, they suddenly noticed that the sky was getting very dark.
"It's coming," Anya said, looking up into the sky. "This is it."
Xander suddenly leaned forward and kissed Anya very sweetly on the mouth.
"I love you, Anya," he said quietly. "You know that, right?"
Anya nodded through her tears, and added, "I love you too, Xander."
He pulled her closer and they put their arms around each other, knowing that the end had come.
As the comet flew towards Sunnydale, everyone in the Summer's house thought it was fitting that Sunnydale, the place of all evil, was destroyed first. Maybe this was a cleansing, a way for the world to get rid of all the bad things that were there. The last thought of anyone was that 'if the world was trying to rid itself of evil, why was it getting rid of me?' And they all felt they knew the answer. **********
A/N: So, what do you think? I want 100% honest reviews please! This took A- G-E-S to write, so please R/R to tell me how I did! Thank you! = ) I'm also considering doing a companion piece for everyone in LA, so tell me if you think I should. Equally, tell me if you think I shouldn't!
*******
Buffy walked slowly into the living room, her eyes looking round at the people huddled there. Willow, Xander and Dawn were sat on the couch, with Anya on the chair beside them. The Potentials were sat together in a corner. Spike was leaning against the wall. All were staring intently at the TV screen.
"Any more news?" She asked shakily, as she sat down next to Xander.
No-one answered her, as the news reader finished his report.
"The comet, estimated to be about the size of Pluto, is travelling towards Earth at an alarming speed. However, NASA officials say that they are making every effort to divert the comet, and urge the public not to worry."
Buffy gazed blankly at the screen, searching for words. When she eventually did speak, she sounded like a lost child. "So, is this it?"
Xander reached to turn off the TV, then turned to face her. "Is this what, Buff?"
"The end. Is it here?"
No-one dared answer her question for a long time. The silence was almost deafening, and unbelievably thick, as though they were all in a vacuum. Eventually, Willow ventured a response.
"Well, the news guy said that NASA was trying to stop the meteor. Maybe they'll manage it."
"They won't." Everyone turned to see Giles enter from the kitchen, a book clutched in his hand. "The comet's too big and it's travelling too fast. I'm afraid this is the apocalypse we read about. It's just like we thought it would be, except it's not a demon that's causing it. It's just nature."
Buffy stood up, her voice trembling. "How is this natural?" She was practically yelling, fighting back tears. "Tell me. How? How is the whole world being destroyed *natural*?"
"I'm afraid it is, Buffy," Giles said quietly. "This is what nature is like. Things begin. Things end. It's the way of the world."
There was that silence again, so quiet it was painful. After a moment, Kennedy stood up, trying to put on a brave face. She didn't want to appear weak in front of the Slayer.
"Not meaning to intrude, or anything, but how do we know that this isn't the First?" she asked, her voice trembling despite her efforts.
"What?"
She almost faltered under everybody's gaze, but managed to keep going. "How do we know that the First isn't making this happen? This could be it's apocalypse plan. I mean, it makes sense. It can't hurt people itself, so it sends a meteor to do the job."
"That's it!" Buffy turned to face Giles, almost begging it to be true. "The First is controlling this. That has to be it! So, all I need to do is kill the first, and the world'll be ok."
"I'm sorry, Buffy, but this isn't the First," Giles said soothingly, putting a comforting hand on her shoulder. "It may be strong, but it's nowhere near powerful enough to control these kinds of forces. This is just the way things are."
"But a demon must be doing this somehow. Just give me a weapon and tell me what to kill to stop it."
"I'm afraid there's nothing you *can* kill to stop it, Buffy."
"But then how am I supposed to save the world? Make the apocalypse averted, just like old times."
"You can't avert this apocalypse, Buffy."
"But I'm the Slayer. That's what I do!"
"This isn't a demon, Buffy. I'm afraid this is quite out of your hands."
The tears that had been threatening to fall started to make their way down Buffy's cheek. She looked around the room at everyone. Her friends, her sister, the girls who had been sent here for her to protect them. How could she protect any of them from this?
"I'll find a way!" she said forcefully. "There's a way to stop this and I'll find it!" She spun on her heel, and flew out of the house, leaving the door swinging open behind her.
It was a long time before anybody spoke again. Eventually, Willow got to her feet.
"I'd better go after her," she said quietly.
"She'll want to be alone," Xander said, coming to stand beside her.
"I don't understand why she acted like that," Willow said, fighting back the tears that were springing to her eyes. "I mean, we've face apocalypses before, and she's never reacted like this."
Xander put an arm around her, trying to find words to describe what Buffy was undoubtedly feeling. "Whenever there's an apocalypse, she can always try to stop it. But this. . . this she can't. She just has to wait and see what happens. We all do."
These words seemed to bring the reality of the situation to them all. Here they were, the Scoobies, the professional world savers, and there was nothing they could say or do to stop this. It would happen, regardless of how hard they tried.
Molly shakily got to her feet. "What's gonna happen to us now, Mr Giles? I mean, with the end coming an' all, I'd like to see me Mum before 'and."
"Of course," Giles said, cleaning his glasses pensively. "We'll make arrangements for you all to return home immediately. With all this happening, there is no longer any need for us to protect you."
********
Spike stood in the shadows, watching everybody running about, making preparations for the SITs to leave. Whether it was making phone calls, helping them pack or just preparing on-flight snacks, everybody seemed eager to help. It was almost as if having something to do made the impending doom less real somehow.
This didn't work for him, however. He didn't like apocalypses, never had done, and now one was coming and he could do nothing about it. He would've thought he'd welcome an apocalypse. It was a way for all that guilt to end. But somehow, he really didn't want the end to come. He guessed the reason started with a B.
He was surprised no-one had tried to go after her. She might be upset, but she shouldn't be alone. Not tonight. Making sure no-one was watching him, Spike slipped out of the door and set off after Buffy's scent.
*******
Buffy sat on Kingman's Bluff, her knees tucked to her chest as she watched the city below. She didn't really know why she had come here. This place was full of bad memories. The worst being when Angel had tried to kill himself. She could see his mansion from here, cold and empty where it stood. It reminded her of everything in her life. Everything that just kept going wrong.
She wiped the tears from her eyes as her gaze spread through the streets. There wasn't a single house without a light on. It seemed that no-one was sleeping tonight.
"You should go inside, luv. You'll catch the death of cold."
Buffy turned her head to see Spike approaching her, seemingly casual as he sat down on the grass. She looked back at the city, trying her hardest to ignore him. She wasn't sure how she felt about him being there. Half of her was glad he had come to comfort her. The other half just didn't want to be comforted.
"Strange, isn't it, how the world works," Spike said casually, as though he were merely commenting on the weather.
When Buffy didn't reply, he carried on.
"It never sets you up so that everything is perfect. Everything hurts. Everything has a price. Even if you get just what you wanted, something still isn't right. Something still hurts. Something's still wrong."
Buffy glanced at him slightly, but still tried to ignore him. This wasn't exactly the speech she'd been expecting.
"There's hunger. Pain. Hatred. War. Disease. And then there's evil. There's a lot of that. It's everywhere. In everything. Everyone. You can't escape evil. It's always there." He paused to take an unnecessary breath, then uttered thoughtfully, "You know, with all this pain, maybe the world ending isn't such a bad thing after all."
Buffy spun to face him, fuming. "How dare you say that! Think of all the people who are going to die!"
"At least their pain would be over," Spike said sadly. He then turned to look at his feet, trying to find the courage to tell her what he felt.
"It hurt, you know, falling in love with you."
Buffy hung her head sadly.
"Somehow though, it felt right. Like it was meant to be. And no matter how many times you put me down, I still felt it. It wouldn't go away. I wished with all my heart that you would fall for me. And eventually you did. But not really. You didn't love me. You didn't hate me any more, but you didn't love me. It was so strange. I had exactly what I wanted, but I was still sad. Because it wasn't what you wanted. Not really."
He paused, and looked up, out onto the city. "It was my fault, of course. So I went to fix it. Went to make it right. But I only made it worse. I went through the worst pain imaginable to get this soul. And once I got it, the pain just kept growing. I felt all the pain I had inflicted on everyone else, and it all built up to be unbearable."
Buffy looked at him, tears gathering once more in her eyes. "I'm so sorry, Spike."
"That wasn't the worst bit though. The worst was when you died. It was what I had wanted for so many years, and when it finally happened I couldn't live with it. It was all my fault."
"It wasn't your fault, Spike."
"Yes it was! I promised you I would protect Dawn, and I failed. If I'd managed to save her, even if I'd died in the process, then you would've made it."
He fell into silence, suddenly aware of what he had just told her.
"Why are you telling me this now?"
"Well, I just figured, luv, if we're all gonna die? I wanted you to know."
A million different thoughts and memories came to her at that moment, bombarding her. She remembered all that Spike had done for her in the last few years, and all that she had done to him. She considered her actions when he had been taken by the First, and suddenly everything seemed so clear. She knew what she needed to do.
"I love you, Spike." The words came out in a rush, so fast it was hard to make out what she had said. But she knew he'd figured it out.
He looked at her, wide-eyed. "What, pet?"
"I. . . I wish I'd said something before. I just, I didn't know before. I mean, I knew what I felt, but I didn't really realise what it was. And I'm babbling. I just wanted you to know. I couldn't let the world end without telling you."
Spike smiled, and put his arm around her. "The sun'll be up soon," he said quietly. "Do you want to go back home?"
"No," she said decidedly. "There's somewhere else I wanna go."
*******
Anya glanced at the clock, reading the numbers but not really understanding them. "It'll be morning soon," she commented quietly. "Buffy'll have to come back then."
Everyone turned to look at her, not quite understanding the statement.
"Why?" Willow asked.
"Well, she's probably with Spike. And he'll have to come back before sunrise, or he's toast."
"How can she be with Spike? Spike's here."
"No he isn't. He left a couple of hours ago."
They all looked round, and were amazed to discover that Spike wasn't there. They had been so wrapped up in their own thoughts they hadn't even noticed him leaving.
They all fell into silence again, but it was quickly broken by Giles coming in through the front door.
"Did they get off okay?" Dawn asked, concerned that something had happened to her friends.
"Yes, yes, they were fine. It was quite easy to get them all a flight. I guess with recent developments, people are putting off their holidays."
"What recent developments?"
Giles sighed heavily, and sank down in a chair. "NASA still haven't managed to divert it, which is not a surprise. They say if they don't manage it soon, it'll hit Earth soon after sunrise."
"Which part?"
"The USA mainly. When it enters our atmosphere it will break up slightly, sending smaller pieces to strike other parts."
"So that means it's Armageddon time," Xander commented dryly.
Dawn sprung to her feet, desperation evident on her face.
"So, there's really no way for us to stop this?"
Willow looked sympathically at Dawn. "We've gone over this, Dawnie. We can't do anything but wait."
"But, I thought you were all just over-reacting! Like you usually do, right before you save the world. There has to be something you can try this time!"
"But there isn't, Dawnie. It's not a demon, or a God, or a spell. It's nature."
"A spell! You could do a spell!"
"I can't. If I so much as attempt a spell that powerful, the First could possess me again. Besides I don't have that kind of power."
"You tried to end the world when you were evil. If you had enough power to do that, who's to say you can't save it?"
"Even if I did have that much power, I could go off the deep end again, attempting something so dangerous. And I don't want to end up killing people again."
Anya suddenly joined in with the argument, yelling with desperation. "So you might end up killing people. How is that any different from what will happen if you don't try?"
"I can't do this! Even if I wanted too, I don't know any spells that would work, and we don't have time to research."
"You know what I think," Anya said, shaking with anger. "I think you just want to be able to join your dead girlfriend without seeming suicidal. Why else would you refuse to try?"
Willow stared at her, not quite believing what she just heard. After a long moment, she turned and ran upstairs.
*******
Buffy and Spike walked through the graveyard in silence, eyes scanning the names on each of the tombstones. Eventually, they stopped walking, and Buffy knelt on the ground in front of the one she was looking for.
"Hi Mom," Buffy said shakily, laying a small bunch of flowers against the stone. "I don't know if you know what's happening or not, but I'm so scared. There's this comet coming to strike the earth, and I've got this feeling that we're all gonna die."
She paused, tears filling her eyes again. She wondered idly how many times she had cried that night.
"I wish you could be here to tell me what to do, Mom. I'm so lost without you. I just. . . I don't know what to do."
She broke down then, sobs escaping her and echoing around the graveyard. Spike knelt beside her and put his arm around her.
"Shhhh, pet. What's wrong?"
"It's just. . . she won't be here anymore. Once the world ends. She's buried on this earth, and if it's destroyed, she won't be here anymore. I won't be able to visit her."
"But you'll be able to see her. You'll go to heaven and you'll see her."
"What if I don't?" she asked, voicing her true fears for the first time. "What if I don't go to heaven? What if I go to hell. Or worse, what if I'm just stuck in limbo forever."
"Why would you say that? Why would you go to hell?"
"Because I've done so many bad things. I attacked Faith. I killed my boyfriend. I neglected my sister. I caused everyone around me so much pain, and I'm pretty sure it all adds up to a one-way trip to eternal torment for Buffy."
"Don't be stupid, luv. You're the world's warrior for good. You've saved so many lives. How can that add up to eternal torment?"
Buffy fiddled with the grass, trying to find the words. "I don't want to die, Spike," she said quietly, sounding more vulnerable than Spike had ever heard her be. "You'd think I wouldn't be afraid. I mean, I've died enough times before. But I don't want to die. Not like this. If I'm going to die, I want it to be a Slayer's death." She paused, trying to pluck up the courage to say it. "I want you to kill me."
"What?" Spike sprung to his feet. "Why would you say that?"
"I'm the Slayer. It's only right that I'm killed by a vampire. It's what I want, Spike. Please."
*******
Anya sat on the back steps, breathing heavily. She regretted saying all that stuff to Willow, even if it was what she had thought. That was just her, though. 'Say what you think Anya.' She always told everyone the first thing that crossed her mind. She regretted it now. She wished she had the guts to go upstairs and apologise. But she didn't. Guilt was the only thing she hadn't been able to master as a human. She had lived for over a thousand years without feeling it at all, and it was impossible to deal with it now.
She heard footsteps, and turned to see Xander sit down beside her.
"You said some nasty things in there," he said quietly. "Willow's pretty upset."
"I know," Anya whispered. "It's just. . . whenever there's an apocalypse I always run. Run as far away as I can, and hope that I'll be alright. But there's no-where for me to run now. And even if there was, I wouldn't be able to get there in time. The whole world's gonna be destroyed, and everyone's going to die. Including me."
"I know."
"And the thing is, I don't want to die. Not because I'm afraid of dying. Because I'm afraid of being nobody. That's who I am. Nobody. And I was hoping I'd become somebody before the end, but I'm won't. I'll be nobody forever."
"You're not nobody."
"Yes I am. I tried to be so many different things, but every time I did it wrong. I was a Viking girl, but I couldn't do that right. I was 'strange and far too literal' for that. Then I was a Vengeance Demon, but that was all I was. I had no personality. I lived for vengeance. Then I was Xander Harris's sex obsessed girlfriend, but I was obviously bad at that too, because I got left at the alter. I tried to be a magic shop owner, but then it got destroyed. I'm just nobody. I always have been."
"No you're not," Xander said firmly, taking her hand. "You're a Scooby. You're a person who has saved countless lives. You're a person who's saved the world, more than once. And you're still a dope for not realising that."
Anya smiled slightly. "Well, at least that's something."
"And you weren't a hopeless girlfriend. You were the best."
Anya's smile became real then, and she moved to rest her head against Xander's chest. "Thank you."
*******
Spike looked at Buffy for a long time, trying to think of a way to convince her not to make him do this. She was right, though. She was the Slayer. She deserved a Slayer's death.
He watched as she undid the top buttons on her shirt, and pulled her hair aside to reveal her bare neck.
"Please," she said shakily, looking deep into Spike's eyes, begging him.
He swept forward, and gently grabbed Buffy by the shoulders. She put her arms around his neck and pulled him closer. He didn't go for her neck, however. He leaned towards her, and planted a soft chaste kiss on her lips.
"I love you, Buffy," he whispered.
"I love you too, Spike," Buffy said, so quiet only someone with vampire hearing could have heard it.
In one quick movement, Spike bent down and bit into Buffy's neck. She went stiff, stifling a gasp of pain, as he started to drink. It was so intoxicating, drinking a Slayer's blood, that he forgot who she was and what was happening, and just drank it down in endless gulps.
Eventually, he felt his victim go limp, and he let her drop to the floor. It was then that he remembered what was going on, and he sank to his knees in agony. Reaching forward, he checked her pulse. It was gone. Unable to hide the misery that built up inside him, he threw back his head, and howled.
*******
Willow lay on her bed, her fingers running over the photo of Tara she held in her hand. If she ran her fingers over the lines of her face, and breathed deeply the scent that she got from Tara's dressing gown, she could almost imagine that Tara was really there with her, telling her not to worry, that everything would be okay.
She put the photo back down on the table and instead picked up the large crystal Tara had given her all those years ago, before they had got together. They had cast so many spells with it that it was almost as if it had their essence inside it, ready to be released in another spell. She looked deep in the core, and she could almost see Tara's face, smiling at her. Almost.
She held the cool crystal against her cheek, and felt it warm her, giving her confidence. She thought about what Anya had said to her earlier, about not wanting to help so that she could see Tara again. I wasn't true, she told herself. She could see Tara any time she wanted. All she had to do was close her eyes.
But maybe that was the reason, she thought quietly. Maybe, subconsciously, she wanted it all to be over. Maybe.
*******
Spike looked over at the horizon, still holding Buffy in his arms. He knew the world was going to end, very soon. But he couldn't wait that long. He couldn't deal with what he had just done for another second. He kept telling himself that he had done it for her, that this was what she had wanted, but all he could think about was the fact that he had killed her. Finally. It was what he had dreamed about for so long. And he had finally done it. He had loved her. She had loved him. But he had killed her.
He watched the sun rise slowly above the trees, spreading the world with light. Light which was creeping closer and closer to him.
He carefully placed Buffy's body next to her mother's grave. He was sure that that was where she would want to lie. Then he stood up, and walked towards the sunlight.
The rays lit his skin for a moment, dancing harmlessly. He thought how wonderful it felt to have the sun warming him again, after so long. If he was going to die, he wanted to have that feeling again.
Then the sweet sensation ended, as flames sparked. The pain was almost unbearable, but he liked it. It took over from the pain of what he had just done. As they engulfed his body, turning it slowly to ash, his last thought was what a mess he had made of his life, and his unlife. Even if he went to hell now, the torment there would have to be less than that of his time on earth. And with that, William the Bloody exploded into dust, the ashes scattered over the one he had loved.
*******
Dawn looked out of the window. The sun had come up, and that meant that the end was upon them. She could hear the noise from the TV, which she had put on to distract her from her thoughts. There was an End Of The World Special on. She sighed. TV was so lame.
And it wasn't working either. It wasn't distracting her from the one thought that was plaguing her brain. 'What will happen to me now.' She knew she wasn't really a human. She was the Key. So what happened to keys when they died? Did they go to Heaven, like normal people? Did they go back to being floating blobs of energy, somewhere in the universe? Did they just cease to exist? That option scared her the most. What happened to a person when they ceased to exist? It hurt her head to think about it.
She looked out of the window once more, and saw two suns floating in the sky. It took her a moment to realise that that was the comet. This was it.
*******
Willow sat in her room, a circle of protection surrounding her. She clutched the crystal in her hand, and the photo of Tara was placed in her lap. A few lit candles were scattered around the edge of the circle, and The Indigo Girls was playing quietly in the background. It struck her how similar this was to what the First had predicted for her death, and even though she wasn't committing suicide, this felt right.
She glanced out of the window, and saw the comet speeding towards the earth, growing larger and clearer with every second. She turned her gaze away, and went back to her meditation. She tried to clear her mind of all thought. Especially the one that was most prominent at that moment. This was it.
*******
Xander and Anya still sat on the back steps, looking out onto the garden. Neither of them had spoken since their exchange earlier, but Anya still had her head resting on Xander's chest, and he had his arms around her in a protective embrace.
As they both sat, contemplating their lives, they suddenly noticed that the sky was getting very dark.
"It's coming," Anya said, looking up into the sky. "This is it."
Xander suddenly leaned forward and kissed Anya very sweetly on the mouth.
"I love you, Anya," he said quietly. "You know that, right?"
Anya nodded through her tears, and added, "I love you too, Xander."
He pulled her closer and they put their arms around each other, knowing that the end had come.
As the comet flew towards Sunnydale, everyone in the Summer's house thought it was fitting that Sunnydale, the place of all evil, was destroyed first. Maybe this was a cleansing, a way for the world to get rid of all the bad things that were there. The last thought of anyone was that 'if the world was trying to rid itself of evil, why was it getting rid of me?' And they all felt they knew the answer. **********
A/N: So, what do you think? I want 100% honest reviews please! This took A- G-E-S to write, so please R/R to tell me how I did! Thank you! = ) I'm also considering doing a companion piece for everyone in LA, so tell me if you think I should. Equally, tell me if you think I shouldn't!