LOTF Talk Show Script (a comedy)
Parts: Jay Leno, (J) Ralph, (R) Simon, (S) Piggy, (P) Jack, (Ja) SamnEric, (SE) Roger (Ro)
J: Hello everyone, and welcome to The Tonight Show with Jay Leno. Im your host, Jay Leno. Today, we have a remarkable story for you. Seven boys, all of whom were trapped, along with quite a few of their peers, on an uncharted island somewhere in the Pacific Ocean, are here to share their story with us. Welcome to the show boys.
R: We're glad to be here Jay.
J: And what are your names?
R: Ralph Ja: Jack S: Simon SE: Samneric Ro: Roger
J: And what's your name?
P: Oh, well my name is..
R: Piggy, his name is Piggy.
J: Your name is Piggy?
P: Apparently.
J: Odd.... Anyhow, so what's your story?
(all the boys start to talk at once, making it impossible to understand any of them.)
J: Boys, your talking all at once. I cant understand any of you.
Ja: We need rules.
R: How about we can only talk when we have the microphone?
Ja: Alright. Good idea Ralph.
R: Okay, I'll start, since I was chief on the island
Ja: Hey I....
R: I was chief on the island, and I have the microphone. So quiet Jack.
P: Yes, Ralph was chief. Respect him.
Ja: Shut up
R: Right. Anyway, so we were on this school trip.
J: Oh really? Where to?
R: Um, I don't remember. Here Piggy, you tell the story.
Ja: Oh sure, let Piggy tell the story. It's always about Piggy, isn't it Ralph?
(Piggy and Ralph shoot him icy glares)
P: Okay, well, we were on a school trip to....
Ja: And I was lead of the choir!
P: Hey, quiet Jack! I have the microphone, so it's my turn to rightfully speak!
Ja: Bullocks to the microphone, I can tell the story better than you can.
J: But didn't you say just a second ago that you wanted to have rules?
Ja: .........No.
R: Oh yeah Jack? Are you going to tell everyone how you tried to kill all of us?
Ja: Hey, that wasn't me!
R: Yes it was, I saw you!! You even killed Piggy with a giant boulder!
J: You died on the island?
P: Yeah, thanks to Jack!!
J: But then how are you....
Ja: Hey, I didn't push that boulder, Roger did!
Ro: But you gave me the order!
Ja: That wasn't me, that was the Chief!
R: Jack, you were the Chief!! That was you!
Ja: No it wasn't. That was some guy with a mask on. I would never do something as savage as that. I'm English
P: That guy with the mask was you!!
Ja: It was not, I don't have a mask.
R: (whispering to Piggy) He's gone crazy!!
Ja: I have not!!
J: What about you kid? You haven't really said much.
S: Oh, well...uh...what do you want me to say?
J: Why don't you tell us about your experience on the island?
S: Oh...okay...Well, I pretty much isolated myself from everyone else on the island and spent a lot of time in this really pretty area of the forest that I found.
J: That sounds nice.
S: Yeah, it was. Then I watched Jack and his hunters mutilate a pig and put its head on a stick..
Ja: That wasn't me! That was the Chief!!
S: Right...Anyway, then I spoke to the dead pig's head.
J: You spoke to a dead pig's head??
S: Yeah, it was pretty intelligent actually. But now that I think about it, I was probably just having a conversation with myself and imagining the pig talking to me. But I'm not sure.
J: Okay...
S: So the pig told me about the evil that exists in all humans, and how that was the beast that everyone kept on claiming to see and that caused fear amongst all of us, so I decided to run over to the others and tell them about this discovery, but when I got there, they were doing some crazy tribal-like dance being led by Jack.
Ja: That was the Chief!
S: There was a major storm going on, and I guess they mistook me for the beast in all the commotion, because they beat me up and eventually killed me while chanting some...well...chant.
J: You died on the island too??
S: Yep. I was the martyr on the island you know. Some have even said I was the Jesus figure.
J: How could anyone have said that if this is the first time you're sharing your story?
S: I don't know, I'm not the one who said it.
J: And if you died, how can you be.......
R: Piggy and I weren't a part of it though, the killing of Simon I mean. We were on the outside of the circle, weren't we Piggy?
P: That's right. It was Jack and the others who killed him.
Ja: That was the Chief! And plus, that was the beast they killed, not Simon.
S: I just told you there was no beast. That was me you killed!
Ja: No it wasn't. It was the beast
S: But..
Ja: The beast!
S: Oh yeah? If that was the beast you killed, then why did you continue to leave it offerings?
Ja: I.....uh......Shut up! You're dead!!
J: Alright, let me get this straight. You boys committed two acts of murder on that island?
P: Well, three if you count that littlun that died in the fire you guys stupidly let go out of control on the first day we were there. A fire, mind you, that I was against building.
Ja: Shut up Piggy.
J: What is a littlun?
P: No, you shut up Jack! You are nothing but a mean, sadistic freak who stole my glasses and had it in for me the whole time I was on that island!!
J: Excuse me, but what is a littlun?
Ja: Hey, I'm not the sadistic one! That's Roger. He's the one who tortured Samneric and pushed the boulder that killed you. He's also the one who sharpened the stick at both ends with the intent of killing Ralph!
J: Hello??
SE: That's right, it was Roger who tortured us, and he's the one who pushed the boulder down the mountain that killed Piggy.
P: What!?! You killed me?
Ro: That was pretty cool.
P: WHAT!?!
Ro: What?
P: You just said...
Ro: Nope.
P: But..
Ro: Na-ah.
J: And what is this beast you keep talking about?
R: Oh, well some littlun on the island first brought up the fact that there was a beast, but Jack and I denied it.
J: What is a littlun?!?!?
R: As time went on, however, we started to believe it more and more, and it caused this fear to amount in all of us.
J: Was there a beast?
P: No, like Simon said, it was just the evil in all of us. We did mistake a dead parachutist on the top of the mountain for the beast at one point though.
J: You saw a dead parachutist??
S: Yeah, and I let him free. That adds to my whole martyr image you know, since I let him free and all.
J: Right..... Okay, let me get this straight. You seven boys were together on that island, two of you died, three acts of murder were committed, one of you spoke to the head of a dead pig, and you discovered a deep psychological aspect of human nature that exists in all humankind?
R: Yeah, that sounds about right.
J: What is wrong with you children? You are English, correct? Don't they teach you proper manners, or atleast not to go around torturing and killing eachother?
R: Hey, it wasn't like that at first! I was chief, and representing democracy, I had rules, and we all worked together. It was Jack who caused a mutiny and eventually broke off from the group and created a tribe under a totalitarian dictatorship.
Ja: That was the Chief!
P: Well, when you think about it Jay, our adventure on the island was sort of a microcosm of what was going on in the rest of the world.
J: A what??
R: That's right. A war was going on in the rest of the world, amongst adults who are supposed to know better. It is rather ironic, when you think about it, that we were rescued from the war-like state that existed on the island only to be brought into a world that was experiencing the same chaos.
J: ....Okay.....
R: So, you wanna know what happened to those of us that lived after we got off the island?
J: Actually, I'm still waiting for one of you to tell me what a littlun is.
Ja: Well, the soldier came to rescue us, thanks to me, by the way, since I am the one who had the island set on fire.
J: I don't care, tell me what a littlun is!!
R: Oh really Jack? I thought that was the Chief.
Ja: Oh right. Yes. It was. The Chief I mean. Not me. I didn't do any of that stuff.
J: Okay, that's it! We are out of time. Thank you boys for joining us and sharing that remarkable, but rather disturbing, story. I"ll see you all next time on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
R: Do you know that we were rescued right as Jack and his tribe were going to kill me?
Ja: We weren't going to kill you!......And that was the Chief!!
R: Yes you were!! You even had a stick sharpened at both ends ready to stick my head onto!!
Ja: Oh yeah? Well atleast I didn't cry when the soldier came to rescue us!!
R: Hey I didn't cry!!
Ja: Yes you did!! We all saw you.
Ro: That's true. I did see you cry.
R: Shut up!!
Ja: No, you shut up!!
R: You!!
Ja: You!!
P: Hey, you know, neither one of you has the microphone right now.....
R & Ja: SHUT UP!!
J: Okay kids, we really need to end the show...
SE: Hey, that's not fair. We barely got to talk.
R: Yeah, you barely let Samneric say anything.
J: Why do you keep saying their names as one word? It's supposed to be two. Can't you children even speak proper English?
P: No, we're correct. It's Samneric.
SE: Yeah, it's because we're like one person. That's symbolic you know, since we always do everything together.
R: Yeah, Samneric were the only ones to stand with me, besides Piggy and the rest of the littluns that is, when Jack went all crazy and became the Chief.
Ja: I am not the Chief!!
J: WHAT IS A LITTLUN??
P: You don't know what a littlun is?
J: Well....I......um..
R: Hahaha, and you're the host of a television show?
J: ...I...
S: How the heck did you manage to land that job??
J: ..Uh...
Ro: You'd think he'd atleast be able to figure it out
SE: That's pretty funny, it really is all about who you know.
Ja: You guys are all crazy......I am not the Chief.....He had a mask.....All crazy....
J: That's it, I don't get payed enough for this. Goodnight!!
Parts: Jay Leno, (J) Ralph, (R) Simon, (S) Piggy, (P) Jack, (Ja) SamnEric, (SE) Roger (Ro)
J: Hello everyone, and welcome to The Tonight Show with Jay Leno. Im your host, Jay Leno. Today, we have a remarkable story for you. Seven boys, all of whom were trapped, along with quite a few of their peers, on an uncharted island somewhere in the Pacific Ocean, are here to share their story with us. Welcome to the show boys.
R: We're glad to be here Jay.
J: And what are your names?
R: Ralph Ja: Jack S: Simon SE: Samneric Ro: Roger
J: And what's your name?
P: Oh, well my name is..
R: Piggy, his name is Piggy.
J: Your name is Piggy?
P: Apparently.
J: Odd.... Anyhow, so what's your story?
(all the boys start to talk at once, making it impossible to understand any of them.)
J: Boys, your talking all at once. I cant understand any of you.
Ja: We need rules.
R: How about we can only talk when we have the microphone?
Ja: Alright. Good idea Ralph.
R: Okay, I'll start, since I was chief on the island
Ja: Hey I....
R: I was chief on the island, and I have the microphone. So quiet Jack.
P: Yes, Ralph was chief. Respect him.
Ja: Shut up
R: Right. Anyway, so we were on this school trip.
J: Oh really? Where to?
R: Um, I don't remember. Here Piggy, you tell the story.
Ja: Oh sure, let Piggy tell the story. It's always about Piggy, isn't it Ralph?
(Piggy and Ralph shoot him icy glares)
P: Okay, well, we were on a school trip to....
Ja: And I was lead of the choir!
P: Hey, quiet Jack! I have the microphone, so it's my turn to rightfully speak!
Ja: Bullocks to the microphone, I can tell the story better than you can.
J: But didn't you say just a second ago that you wanted to have rules?
Ja: .........No.
R: Oh yeah Jack? Are you going to tell everyone how you tried to kill all of us?
Ja: Hey, that wasn't me!
R: Yes it was, I saw you!! You even killed Piggy with a giant boulder!
J: You died on the island?
P: Yeah, thanks to Jack!!
J: But then how are you....
Ja: Hey, I didn't push that boulder, Roger did!
Ro: But you gave me the order!
Ja: That wasn't me, that was the Chief!
R: Jack, you were the Chief!! That was you!
Ja: No it wasn't. That was some guy with a mask on. I would never do something as savage as that. I'm English
P: That guy with the mask was you!!
Ja: It was not, I don't have a mask.
R: (whispering to Piggy) He's gone crazy!!
Ja: I have not!!
J: What about you kid? You haven't really said much.
S: Oh, well...uh...what do you want me to say?
J: Why don't you tell us about your experience on the island?
S: Oh...okay...Well, I pretty much isolated myself from everyone else on the island and spent a lot of time in this really pretty area of the forest that I found.
J: That sounds nice.
S: Yeah, it was. Then I watched Jack and his hunters mutilate a pig and put its head on a stick..
Ja: That wasn't me! That was the Chief!!
S: Right...Anyway, then I spoke to the dead pig's head.
J: You spoke to a dead pig's head??
S: Yeah, it was pretty intelligent actually. But now that I think about it, I was probably just having a conversation with myself and imagining the pig talking to me. But I'm not sure.
J: Okay...
S: So the pig told me about the evil that exists in all humans, and how that was the beast that everyone kept on claiming to see and that caused fear amongst all of us, so I decided to run over to the others and tell them about this discovery, but when I got there, they were doing some crazy tribal-like dance being led by Jack.
Ja: That was the Chief!
S: There was a major storm going on, and I guess they mistook me for the beast in all the commotion, because they beat me up and eventually killed me while chanting some...well...chant.
J: You died on the island too??
S: Yep. I was the martyr on the island you know. Some have even said I was the Jesus figure.
J: How could anyone have said that if this is the first time you're sharing your story?
S: I don't know, I'm not the one who said it.
J: And if you died, how can you be.......
R: Piggy and I weren't a part of it though, the killing of Simon I mean. We were on the outside of the circle, weren't we Piggy?
P: That's right. It was Jack and the others who killed him.
Ja: That was the Chief! And plus, that was the beast they killed, not Simon.
S: I just told you there was no beast. That was me you killed!
Ja: No it wasn't. It was the beast
S: But..
Ja: The beast!
S: Oh yeah? If that was the beast you killed, then why did you continue to leave it offerings?
Ja: I.....uh......Shut up! You're dead!!
J: Alright, let me get this straight. You boys committed two acts of murder on that island?
P: Well, three if you count that littlun that died in the fire you guys stupidly let go out of control on the first day we were there. A fire, mind you, that I was against building.
Ja: Shut up Piggy.
J: What is a littlun?
P: No, you shut up Jack! You are nothing but a mean, sadistic freak who stole my glasses and had it in for me the whole time I was on that island!!
J: Excuse me, but what is a littlun?
Ja: Hey, I'm not the sadistic one! That's Roger. He's the one who tortured Samneric and pushed the boulder that killed you. He's also the one who sharpened the stick at both ends with the intent of killing Ralph!
J: Hello??
SE: That's right, it was Roger who tortured us, and he's the one who pushed the boulder down the mountain that killed Piggy.
P: What!?! You killed me?
Ro: That was pretty cool.
P: WHAT!?!
Ro: What?
P: You just said...
Ro: Nope.
P: But..
Ro: Na-ah.
J: And what is this beast you keep talking about?
R: Oh, well some littlun on the island first brought up the fact that there was a beast, but Jack and I denied it.
J: What is a littlun?!?!?
R: As time went on, however, we started to believe it more and more, and it caused this fear to amount in all of us.
J: Was there a beast?
P: No, like Simon said, it was just the evil in all of us. We did mistake a dead parachutist on the top of the mountain for the beast at one point though.
J: You saw a dead parachutist??
S: Yeah, and I let him free. That adds to my whole martyr image you know, since I let him free and all.
J: Right..... Okay, let me get this straight. You seven boys were together on that island, two of you died, three acts of murder were committed, one of you spoke to the head of a dead pig, and you discovered a deep psychological aspect of human nature that exists in all humankind?
R: Yeah, that sounds about right.
J: What is wrong with you children? You are English, correct? Don't they teach you proper manners, or atleast not to go around torturing and killing eachother?
R: Hey, it wasn't like that at first! I was chief, and representing democracy, I had rules, and we all worked together. It was Jack who caused a mutiny and eventually broke off from the group and created a tribe under a totalitarian dictatorship.
Ja: That was the Chief!
P: Well, when you think about it Jay, our adventure on the island was sort of a microcosm of what was going on in the rest of the world.
J: A what??
R: That's right. A war was going on in the rest of the world, amongst adults who are supposed to know better. It is rather ironic, when you think about it, that we were rescued from the war-like state that existed on the island only to be brought into a world that was experiencing the same chaos.
J: ....Okay.....
R: So, you wanna know what happened to those of us that lived after we got off the island?
J: Actually, I'm still waiting for one of you to tell me what a littlun is.
Ja: Well, the soldier came to rescue us, thanks to me, by the way, since I am the one who had the island set on fire.
J: I don't care, tell me what a littlun is!!
R: Oh really Jack? I thought that was the Chief.
Ja: Oh right. Yes. It was. The Chief I mean. Not me. I didn't do any of that stuff.
J: Okay, that's it! We are out of time. Thank you boys for joining us and sharing that remarkable, but rather disturbing, story. I"ll see you all next time on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
R: Do you know that we were rescued right as Jack and his tribe were going to kill me?
Ja: We weren't going to kill you!......And that was the Chief!!
R: Yes you were!! You even had a stick sharpened at both ends ready to stick my head onto!!
Ja: Oh yeah? Well atleast I didn't cry when the soldier came to rescue us!!
R: Hey I didn't cry!!
Ja: Yes you did!! We all saw you.
Ro: That's true. I did see you cry.
R: Shut up!!
Ja: No, you shut up!!
R: You!!
Ja: You!!
P: Hey, you know, neither one of you has the microphone right now.....
R & Ja: SHUT UP!!
J: Okay kids, we really need to end the show...
SE: Hey, that's not fair. We barely got to talk.
R: Yeah, you barely let Samneric say anything.
J: Why do you keep saying their names as one word? It's supposed to be two. Can't you children even speak proper English?
P: No, we're correct. It's Samneric.
SE: Yeah, it's because we're like one person. That's symbolic you know, since we always do everything together.
R: Yeah, Samneric were the only ones to stand with me, besides Piggy and the rest of the littluns that is, when Jack went all crazy and became the Chief.
Ja: I am not the Chief!!
J: WHAT IS A LITTLUN??
P: You don't know what a littlun is?
J: Well....I......um..
R: Hahaha, and you're the host of a television show?
J: ...I...
S: How the heck did you manage to land that job??
J: ..Uh...
Ro: You'd think he'd atleast be able to figure it out
SE: That's pretty funny, it really is all about who you know.
Ja: You guys are all crazy......I am not the Chief.....He had a mask.....All crazy....
J: That's it, I don't get payed enough for this. Goodnight!!