The Plunderful Lizard of Ox

(a.k.a. Little Purple Flying Trunks)

(a.k.a. Little Purple Riding Trunks)

A/N: What's this? No reviews of Part Eight? Have I neglected my posting duties too long? Sorry… I hope no one gave up on me. Heh. Maybe this'll make up for it.

ON WITH IT!!

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Part Nine: THE END!! (Is Nowhere in Sight)

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A little side-note: By this point in the story there are five-and-a-half people on their way to the Emerald Castle, which also happens to be the Ox King's Castle, which ALSO happens to be the place where Dende is staying while the Lookout is fumigated.

This is what's known as "plot simplification;" see also, "killing off characters at random." Heh heh. Okay, keep going with the story…

"Hey! Author!" Vegeta bellowed.

("The Author still isn't talking to you, Vegeta. So I have deal with you instead.")

"Fine. Whatever. Tell me, how can there be five-and-a-half people here? There's no such thing as half a person."

("I was hoping someone would ask. Obviously 'Goketa' counts as one-and-a-half. 'Goketa' isn't one person exactly, and the two of you combined doesn't quite add up to two people either. Heh heh heh.)

"WHAT?!" he snarled. "I am a Prince, dammit! I am worth a million times more than anyone else here! I demand you recount, properly this time."

("No way. And I don't want to talk to you anymore. Shouldn't you be paying more attention to where you're walking anyway?")

Just then, Goketa tripped over a tree trunk and crashed faces-first into the ground. Vegeta groaned and rubbed his head, silently cursing The Narrator's ability to write verbs and nouns into sentences. Everyone else stopped and laughed, properly taunting the Princely Saiyan who always behaves oh-so Princely.

Ahhhh… well, lucky for us, the jostling from the ground collision awoke Goku. The normally taller Saiyan seemed to be back to "normal" as he took in the new surroundings. Chi-Chi rushed to his side, leaving poor Mirai Trunks to his lonesome. **sniffle**

Goku, being the brilliant man that he is, just now noticed Chi-Chi's strange attire. Yes, she was still wearing the tie-up-the-front spandex suit-thing, spike collar around her neck, tall black boots, etc. Anyway…

His eyes grew as wide as softballs as he stared at her. Chi-Chi became rather alarmed by his behavior. "Is there something wrong, Goku?"

Immediately Goku's head turned to Vegeta. "You HAVE to apologize to The Author NOW."

"I'd rather die."

An uncharacteristic growl slipped from Goku's lips. "Suit yourself, but right now, I am going to have wild animal sex with Chi-Chi behind those bushes. So I guess you're coming along."

"AUGH! NOOOOOOOO!! NO NO NO NO. I'LL APOLOGIZE!! I'LL DO WHATEVER THE AUTHOR WANTS, JUST GET THIS BAKA'S HEAD OFF MY BODY."

\\Whatever I want, eh?// came the snickering voice of The Author.

"YESYESYES. ANYTHING!!!! Just separate us NOW!"

\\Hee hee hee… I don't know if I want to miss this though.//

Goketa began walking toward the bushes with Chi-Chi, dragging Vegeta along with them.

"Pleeeease don't do this to mee-ee-eeee," the Princely Prince whined.

\\All right all right. I hate to see grown men cry. I'll remove his head if you promise to kiss Puar on his furry lips if you should happen to see him.//

"WHAT?!"

\\Your choice, Vegeta.//

Goketa was removing his clothes. Vegeta could feel his eyes starting to cook inside his head. The last thing he needed was the image of a naked Chi-Chi seared into his brain, not to mention certain nasty things in which his body would soon be partaking.

He grumbled, "Okay fine. I'll do it. JUST GET HIM AWAY FROM ME!"

\\Done aaaaand… done.//

Lo and behold, Goku's head vanished from Vegeta's shoulder. Vegeta was back to his original self. Well… he was still half undressed, but no one seemed to mind. So the Sayian no Ouji stood and walked quickly away from the bushes. And he almost got away, too.

But! Chi-Chi was faster and grabbed him by the wrist. "Where do you think you're going, Vegeta? We haven't even started."

"What are you talking about, devil woman?!"

"You may not be Goku, but I'll bet you're still a pretty good lay."

"Arrrrgh! My ears! You're making them bleeeeeed!!!!" Vegeta hunched over clutching the sides of his head.

"There there, Veggie. Just relax and let Mistress Chi-Chi make the pain go away."

"WHAT DID YOU CALL ME?!"

"I'll call you whatever I want, now come with me–"

Chi-Chi squeezed his wrist tighter. But it didn't matter how hard she could squeeze, because you just can't make a spoiled, whiny Prince do something he doesn't want to do. With this in mind, Vegeta poised his free hand in front of Chi-Chi's face, his palm just inches from her nose. Then he released an energy blast that vaporized her.

In the not-so-distant background, Aurora-fox was shaking her head. "This is all wrong. This isn't supposed to happen. What good is a script if the characters do whatever they damn well please?!" Et cetera, et cetera.

"|-|01Y 5h17, \/3g374! U jU57 k1l13d C|-|i-C|-|i!" I don't think I have to tell you who that was.

"All right, that's all I can take from you, boy! You're next!!" Vegeta's hand shifted so it was aimed at Mirai Trunks. "Try to speak that fucking language with your head blown off!!!" The air flickered with light until a ball of intense energy was streaking towards the sexiest character in this lame story.

Things looked bleak for Mirai Trunks. That is, until Aurora-fox abandoned her belief in the script and jumped in front of the blast. She was blown-up into little furry pieces. Hmmm, well better her than sexy-Trunks.

(Enter Chorus)

CHORUS: And what a noble deed was done

To save the boy with purple hair;

Ne'er a braver creature come and gone,

Than the fox, Aurora, so fair.

(Exit Chorus)

"Well that was stupid," scoffed Vegeta. Then he turned to his intended victim. "You were lucky, Trunks. It's a good thing we have so many dispensable characters."

Trunks was still staring the space in front of him where Aurora-fox had intercepted the ki blast. "She saved my life," he mumbled.

"Well grab my bum and call me French. Trunks! You're not talking in 13375p34k anymore," exclaimed British Piccolo, who shall now be referred to as Captain Obvious. "I state the obvious," he stated proudly.

"I– I– can't believe… She saved me…" Trunks continued to ramble.

Vegeta smacked Mirai Trunks in the back of the head. "Shut your pie hole."

So he did. And stuff.

("Here is where I fumble for words and make an awkward transition…")

And other stuff… Now the five-and-a-half people were down to three! Fabulous! See earlier comment about plot simplification through the elimination of characters.

Anyway… The Three Moroneteers walked to the castle. They didn't do anything, or say anything along the way, because there's not much to do or say in a boring forest after killing off half your traveling party. So that's their own damn fault.

Eventually, British Capt. Obvious ran ahead of the other two in great excitement. He reached the tree line and gawked at the monumental stonewall in front of him. He flailed his arms about and laughed maniacally. Then his elbows locked with his hands pointed toward the heavens (also known as, "sky").

The two lazy bums behind him took their sweet-ass time getting there. Even when they arrived, Trunks and Vegeta continued to walk right past British Capt. Obvious to the gigantic castle doors. The large wooden barriers stood ten body lengths in height, held together by steel bolts and other reinforcements.

Vegeta stared at it for a moment with his arms crossed, looking unimpressed. Then he drew his fist back and tried to punch the door off its hinges. But Ah Ha! He could not! The bones in his hand painfully cracked and snapped against the doors. He cried. A lot. Hee hee hee.

However, the noise did rouse a sleepy castle guard from his post just inside the castle gates. He opened a small slot in the door to peer outside.

"Hiya!" said the guard.

"Kakarott!" "Goku?!" exclaimed Trunks and Vegeta, simultaneously.

The guard frowned. "Who?"

Vegeta shoved Trunks out of the way as he stalked to face the person through the slot in the door. But Vegeta discovered he was too short to see inside the opening. He tried standing on his tip-toes, but he was still a few inches too short!

(The Narrator is rolling on the floor laughing at him! Ahhhhahahahaha!!!!)

Salvaging what little pride he had left, Vegeta floated to the eye-level of the guard on the other side of the door. "Kakarott! What are you doing back there?!"

"Well…" the guard scratched his head of spiky black hair. "I don't know why you're calling me Kakarott and Goku, but I'm on this side of the door because I am guarding it."

"No shit, you brainless–"

Mirai Trunks cut in, "Eh Heh. I believe what my father is trying to say is that we'd like to enter this castle."

"Hmmm. Are you on the list?"

"WHAT LIST?" growled Vegeta.

"Well I've got this list here, and I can only admit people who are on it. Those be my orders."

"Who's on it?" queried Trunks.

"Mistress Chi-Chi is the first one. She should be returning soon with a prisoner."

"Heh, don't count on it," Vegeta snickered.

"Uh," Trunks nervously continued, "is there anyone else on the list?"

"Let's see, let's see. Uhm… uh…There's uh…"

A long pause ensued and paper shuffling could be heard through the opening in the heavy door. Vegeta's patience was running out, as always. Not only was the slot too high for him to look through, but the baka behind the door wouldn't admit that he was the third-class warrior whom Vegeta despised… and secretly loved! Haha! How's that for subplot?! A subplot that very well might be ignored.

And… still silence from behind the door. "WELL?!" the prince bellowed.

"Uhm, here's the thing. I… can't read. I tried to memorize the list when the boss read it to me, but Mistress Chi-Chi is the only one I can remember."

"Aw, that's too bad. Now enough with the sympathy parade and let us in."

"I can't do that. You might not be on the list! I was given specific instructions…"

"I DON'T CARE ABOUT THE LIST!"

"… if this were to happen."

Immediately hundreds of guards fell from the sky and captured the two men standing at the gate. The British Captain of the Obvious was still standing at the edge of the forest with his arms outstretched. They weren't sure if he was with Trunks and Vegeta, but took him inside anyway.

Once the three intruders were apprehended and being transported to the deepest, darkest dungeon, the Head Guard approached the door guard and praised him. "Commendable job, Goku."

The door guard stared at him in astonishment. "Is Goku my name??"

"For the last time, YES. Good god man! It's amazing that you remember how to breathe."

"I also remember that today is payday," Goku grinned like 5 year-old on his birthday.

The Head Guard sighed. "Yes it is. You may proceed to the Royal kitchen and eat until you throw-up."

"Gee, thanks!!" And Goku trotted off to the kitchen

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A/N: Next time… The dungeon!! Bwahahahaha!

Reviews please? I was saddened that no one reviewed my last chapter before this one went up **sniffle**