Disclaimer: The characters, settings, ideas, and events that have appeared on "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" belong to Twentieth Century Fox, courtesy of Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy.
Character Note: Ok, first off, Buffy Season 7 spoilers and Angel season 4 spoilers. Now this is going to be a bit jumbly. The Scoobies are all as they are in the season 7. Buffy works at the school, Willow is back, Spike is in the school basement, Xander is still doing the good ole construction job, Anya has just had her demon privileges revoked by D'Hoffryn and is pissed off royally about Hallie, Dawn is still Miss. School Girl. Forget all that stuff about 'from beneath it devours', and the whole shape shifting evil, didn't happen damnit! Now with the Angel team I'm going to screw around a bit. Angel normal, Cordy is back, and has her memory (and she still fancies Angel, as he does her, none of this weirdo Connor fling (can you say gross?)), Connor is being the twit that he is, Fred and Gunn and the same, as is Lorne, and Wes, and FAITH (yes she will be back, but I have a small role in this little story).
Ladies of the evening
Sunnydale
"Shh…!"
"But…"
"I said shh!"
"But…"
The vampire looked over to where they were hiding and froze. Buffy walked out from behind the bushes and smiled.
"Welcome to the Double Beat on your ass Palace, can I take your order?"
Without a word the vampire jumped at her, fangs glistening in the moonlight. Buffy back flipped, kicking him in the face with both her feet. The vampire went sprawling back, but quickly regained balance and began to come towards her again. Buffy pulled out a stake that had been tucked in her belt and threw it at him, piercing his heart. As he turned to dust she smiled and said "Good ole slayer aim, never fails."
She walked up to the bush and pulled Dawn out.
"See Dawn, when I say Shh, it means you don't talk, it's enforced by me pursing my lips and making the universally recognized noise for shut up."
"But…"
Buffy rolled her eyes and asked "What?"
"Well you haven't taken me training for ages, and I came along tonight to train and you keep staking all the vampires. I mean, hello, I am not your personal cheerleader, I want to learn how to fight."
"But you can spell so good! Give me a B!"
Dawn looked daggers at her sister and walked past her, making way for home. As Buffy caught up she began explaining.
"Dawn, training isn't just about killing demons, it's about observing the movements of your opponents. Vampires practically all fight the same way. Also, I was trying to show you how to be all ninja quiet. Surprising your enemy can sometimes away the battle in your favor. It kind of didn't work seeing as you were all Miss. Verbal Runny Poo."
"All right! I geddit!"
"Good." Buffy replied, smiling brightly as she opened the door to their house and entered.
"How did patrolling go? Did Dawnie kick some demon ass with some freaky new slayer moves?" Willow said, as she came down the stairs.
"No, I got to watch my sister being all boring and kill things." Dawn replied as she slumped on the couch and pouted.
"You'll be killing things too! Soon! I'm sure you will! Demons beware here comes Dawn the killing machine!"
"Somehow, that name evokes images of my head on Rambo's body. It's not looking too good there Will."
"Yeah, I'm not into muscley girls either, they creep me out, with their pumped massive bodies, and muscley legs, and, ewww gross." Willow shuddered and entered the kitchen. "Dawnie's a bit put out there Buffy."
"I know. I know it was my idea to start training her, but when I was her age, I wasn't killing vampi…wait…yes I was. I mean the point is, I want to teach her these things, but I don't want to rush it. We have plenty of time…unless we have an apocalypse coming up soon. Check the calendar."
**London**
"What will be coming?"
"We do not know yet…"
"How can you be sure?"
"It was prophesized that once the slayer had died and been resurrected and Proserpexa's temple had been unearthed near the hell mouth something of great danger will be coming…."
"How can it be stopped?
"I am not sure..."
"This meeting of the Council is over, find everything you can about these prophesies and try to find out what we will be facing…"
**Sunnydale**
"…so then he calls me a retard and I turned around and kicked him the balls."
"Lauren, look I know what it's like when people make fun of you, tease you and all that, but you can't go around and ruin their chances for reproduction." Buffy replied to the teenage girl in front of her.
"Well what am I supposed to do then?" The girl said looking at Buffy intently.
"Look, next time he calls you something, just tell him…" Buffy looked around and leaned in forward and whispered, "just tell him that you can always finish off his chances of continuing the family line…just say it quietly, and make sure no teachers are around…" Buffy grinned evilly. The girl laughed and stood up.
'Thank you Miss Summers." She left the room and Buffy returned to playing with her electric pencil sharpener. She organised her immaculately sharpened pencils on her desk and swung round to her computer. Starting a game of Solitaire, she began clicking away at the cards. "Stupid game, doesn't even recognize the Slayer when it sees one. I'm the best here... killing vamps and squicky demons... no! I needed that card! How do you make it go backwards?! Damnit! I hate technology. Wish they still sold real cards; I know how to play with those." She muttered. 'At least this computer only hates me. Imagine if a computer was constantly trying to get into your pants. Would a computer even fit down there?' Buffy stopped her small, and ever so slow, train of thought to look around her. Stopping suddenly, she shook her head and said, "No, I better not try. Who knows who might walk in? And how would I explain that one? It's not like I'm invisible. The computer can't pretend its doing push-ups or anything." Buffys thoughts began to drift. She never thought that she would be bored at her job, but no one was coming. She thought of Dawn, in class, being all studenty, and Willow, at home, meditating, and Spike being all crazy in the basement, and Xander…hang on…Spike! She began to wonder about Spike sitting there, all alone in the basement. She wanted to see how he was, just to look in on him. Even though she had convinced herself it was over, she still longed for him. The old Spike. The sane Spike. She stood up and made her way to the basement. When she arrived at the door she looked around to see if anyone was watching and went down.
"Incy wincy spider went up the water spout…" Spike sang softly, rocking back and forth against the wall. Buffy looked at him with pity. The dingy basement smelt of moldy stale air. The light was casting an eerie atmosphere, and it was illuminating half of Spike's face, making it seem like he was in the midst of an inner struggle. Why did he have to be crazy? He had his soul back and now he's flying over the cuckoo's nest. She walked up to him and kneeled down. Spike continued singing, trying to avoid her gaze. He stopped abruptly and looked at her. "I did bad things. Bad things to the girl. Spike was bad. The girl was hurt. Spike hurt the girl. I…" Buffy leaned forward and softly kissed his lips. There was no thought behind it. Just passion. Just love for another being, that had been through so much with her. He stopped rambling on and closed him eyes. After a while she stopped and stood up. Spike looked up at her and said, "Thank you."
*****
Xander looked over at Willow. "Excuse me?!?"
"Oh come on Xander, you know it's true."
"I'm speechless. It has now become impossible for me to construct a simple sentence."
"Stop being so dramatic."
"How could you say that?"
Buffy walked in with Dawn. "What did she say?"
"That Wolverine could easily be defeated by The Hulk."
"And you are arguing about something only teenagers with no social skills read because…?"
"I don't believe it! Et Tu Buffy?" Xander clutched his chest and pretended to die.
Willow whispered in Buffy's ear "I just wanted to get him worked up. Xander goes all red in the face and cute with the huffiness and the puffiness."
Buffy grinned as she opened the microwave over and placed the bag of popcorn in it. "So what movie are we going to watch? We've got Sweet Home Alabama or Nightmare on Elm Street Part 1."
Xander shuddered "I'm sorry but bad story lines, horrible acting and the blood and gore, I'm not in the mood, let's watch Nightmare on Elm Street."
Dawn looked at him puzzled. "Where's the blood and gore in Sweet Home Alabama?"
"It's coming out of my ears as I hear that Avril Lavigne song sequence."
Dawn, Xander and Willow made themselves comfortable on the couch as Buffy brought in the made popcorn.
*****
Buffy got up as the movie finished. Dawn and Willow were asleep and Xander was twiddling his thumbs, looking off into space. "Freddy didn't scare you I see?"
"Well when you have the first slayer following you in your dreams and killing you, the scariness of Freddy is kind of a let down." He picked up the video case and whispered, "I'm sorry old friend…" He lay it back down and stretched out. "Time for me to head off home, get some sleep, maybe even watch a bit of the home shopping network, or some Springer, or maybe even some Playb…"
"Xander! Your thoughts haven't changed since the whole me reading minds thing have they?"
He grinned sheepishly.
"So you heading off to bed now?"
"Nope, I think I'm going to patrol. It's better without Dawn announcing our arrival to every single demon we come across."
"Ah, well, can I walk you down to my car?"
"Why yes you can, I'll just grab some gear."
*****
Buffy scanned the area. She had just dusted three vampires, and was getting bored. She began to walk towards the cemetery exit when she heard some harsh rasping coming from somewhere behind her. She quickly spun around and gasped. In front of her was on the largest vampires she had ever seen. He was close to seven foot, covered in blood, and covering the left part of his chest was a…"Bet you've never seen one of these before, have you girly?"
"A thick metal plate? Who's your plastic surgeon? I so won't ever go to HIM for corrective surgery."
"It's not just any metal plate girly, this is a titanium steel plate. Nothing will pierce it…Slayer." He said the last part with a hellish grin on his face.
"Oh, how do you know who I am? Did we meet at a party? Coz I would remember meeting someone who looks like an advertisement for contraception."
He lunged forward and grabbed her. Her face was very close to his, and she could smell the sweat and blood all over him. She tried wriggling out of his arms, but his grasp was too strong, and it was tightening. Doing the only thing she could think of, she kicked him in the groin. Straight away he dropped her. She rolled away and stood up. "Thank God you don't have a metal plate there, coz that would just be weird."
He stood up and Buffy looked at him, trying to think of a way to defeat him. There was no way brute force would defeat this vampire. He was too strong, and she wouldn't be able to keep kicking him in the 'sensitive area' all night. She needed to dust him. But he had that stupid metal plate that couldn't be pierced. Then it hit her. She ran towards him. His shock at her coming towards him stopped him from reacting quickly enough. Her fingers grabbed the metal plate and dug into his skin. She grabbed a hold and pulled away, revealing bloody muscles and flesh. She threw the plate away like a Frisbee and stabbed him in the heart with her stake.
"Ewwwwww I've got icky skin under my nails. Stupid vampire. Now I need some serious nail work done."
**A bar in Chicago**
Oz drank his beer and stared at the wall. He yawned and decided that it was time for him to head home. He left some money on the bar and walked out. As he made his way along the building he noticed a Muriel of a beautiful woman, dressed in Green. He stood still and looked at her intently. Suddenly a slight wind began to gather and the woman's hair and dress began to shimmer. Oz smiled. "Cool trick."
"Daniel, I have come to give direction to you, so that you may fulfill your role…"
"Okay…" Oz replied looking at the woman on the wall skeptically.
The woman on the wall crossed her arms and scowled "At least be a little enthusiastic. A little "yes oh mysterious lady" would be nice, jeez, way to ruin the atmosphere…"
Oz shrugged "I'm not an enthusiastic kind of guy."
"FINE! Go back to Sunnydale, there's your message." And she vanished.
Oz shrugged and made his way to his apartment to pack, contemplating whether mysterious forces also suffered from PMS.
Character Note: Ok, first off, Buffy Season 7 spoilers and Angel season 4 spoilers. Now this is going to be a bit jumbly. The Scoobies are all as they are in the season 7. Buffy works at the school, Willow is back, Spike is in the school basement, Xander is still doing the good ole construction job, Anya has just had her demon privileges revoked by D'Hoffryn and is pissed off royally about Hallie, Dawn is still Miss. School Girl. Forget all that stuff about 'from beneath it devours', and the whole shape shifting evil, didn't happen damnit! Now with the Angel team I'm going to screw around a bit. Angel normal, Cordy is back, and has her memory (and she still fancies Angel, as he does her, none of this weirdo Connor fling (can you say gross?)), Connor is being the twit that he is, Fred and Gunn and the same, as is Lorne, and Wes, and FAITH (yes she will be back, but I have a small role in this little story).
Ladies of the evening
Sunnydale
"Shh…!"
"But…"
"I said shh!"
"But…"
The vampire looked over to where they were hiding and froze. Buffy walked out from behind the bushes and smiled.
"Welcome to the Double Beat on your ass Palace, can I take your order?"
Without a word the vampire jumped at her, fangs glistening in the moonlight. Buffy back flipped, kicking him in the face with both her feet. The vampire went sprawling back, but quickly regained balance and began to come towards her again. Buffy pulled out a stake that had been tucked in her belt and threw it at him, piercing his heart. As he turned to dust she smiled and said "Good ole slayer aim, never fails."
She walked up to the bush and pulled Dawn out.
"See Dawn, when I say Shh, it means you don't talk, it's enforced by me pursing my lips and making the universally recognized noise for shut up."
"But…"
Buffy rolled her eyes and asked "What?"
"Well you haven't taken me training for ages, and I came along tonight to train and you keep staking all the vampires. I mean, hello, I am not your personal cheerleader, I want to learn how to fight."
"But you can spell so good! Give me a B!"
Dawn looked daggers at her sister and walked past her, making way for home. As Buffy caught up she began explaining.
"Dawn, training isn't just about killing demons, it's about observing the movements of your opponents. Vampires practically all fight the same way. Also, I was trying to show you how to be all ninja quiet. Surprising your enemy can sometimes away the battle in your favor. It kind of didn't work seeing as you were all Miss. Verbal Runny Poo."
"All right! I geddit!"
"Good." Buffy replied, smiling brightly as she opened the door to their house and entered.
"How did patrolling go? Did Dawnie kick some demon ass with some freaky new slayer moves?" Willow said, as she came down the stairs.
"No, I got to watch my sister being all boring and kill things." Dawn replied as she slumped on the couch and pouted.
"You'll be killing things too! Soon! I'm sure you will! Demons beware here comes Dawn the killing machine!"
"Somehow, that name evokes images of my head on Rambo's body. It's not looking too good there Will."
"Yeah, I'm not into muscley girls either, they creep me out, with their pumped massive bodies, and muscley legs, and, ewww gross." Willow shuddered and entered the kitchen. "Dawnie's a bit put out there Buffy."
"I know. I know it was my idea to start training her, but when I was her age, I wasn't killing vampi…wait…yes I was. I mean the point is, I want to teach her these things, but I don't want to rush it. We have plenty of time…unless we have an apocalypse coming up soon. Check the calendar."
**London**
"What will be coming?"
"We do not know yet…"
"How can you be sure?"
"It was prophesized that once the slayer had died and been resurrected and Proserpexa's temple had been unearthed near the hell mouth something of great danger will be coming…."
"How can it be stopped?
"I am not sure..."
"This meeting of the Council is over, find everything you can about these prophesies and try to find out what we will be facing…"
**Sunnydale**
"…so then he calls me a retard and I turned around and kicked him the balls."
"Lauren, look I know what it's like when people make fun of you, tease you and all that, but you can't go around and ruin their chances for reproduction." Buffy replied to the teenage girl in front of her.
"Well what am I supposed to do then?" The girl said looking at Buffy intently.
"Look, next time he calls you something, just tell him…" Buffy looked around and leaned in forward and whispered, "just tell him that you can always finish off his chances of continuing the family line…just say it quietly, and make sure no teachers are around…" Buffy grinned evilly. The girl laughed and stood up.
'Thank you Miss Summers." She left the room and Buffy returned to playing with her electric pencil sharpener. She organised her immaculately sharpened pencils on her desk and swung round to her computer. Starting a game of Solitaire, she began clicking away at the cards. "Stupid game, doesn't even recognize the Slayer when it sees one. I'm the best here... killing vamps and squicky demons... no! I needed that card! How do you make it go backwards?! Damnit! I hate technology. Wish they still sold real cards; I know how to play with those." She muttered. 'At least this computer only hates me. Imagine if a computer was constantly trying to get into your pants. Would a computer even fit down there?' Buffy stopped her small, and ever so slow, train of thought to look around her. Stopping suddenly, she shook her head and said, "No, I better not try. Who knows who might walk in? And how would I explain that one? It's not like I'm invisible. The computer can't pretend its doing push-ups or anything." Buffys thoughts began to drift. She never thought that she would be bored at her job, but no one was coming. She thought of Dawn, in class, being all studenty, and Willow, at home, meditating, and Spike being all crazy in the basement, and Xander…hang on…Spike! She began to wonder about Spike sitting there, all alone in the basement. She wanted to see how he was, just to look in on him. Even though she had convinced herself it was over, she still longed for him. The old Spike. The sane Spike. She stood up and made her way to the basement. When she arrived at the door she looked around to see if anyone was watching and went down.
"Incy wincy spider went up the water spout…" Spike sang softly, rocking back and forth against the wall. Buffy looked at him with pity. The dingy basement smelt of moldy stale air. The light was casting an eerie atmosphere, and it was illuminating half of Spike's face, making it seem like he was in the midst of an inner struggle. Why did he have to be crazy? He had his soul back and now he's flying over the cuckoo's nest. She walked up to him and kneeled down. Spike continued singing, trying to avoid her gaze. He stopped abruptly and looked at her. "I did bad things. Bad things to the girl. Spike was bad. The girl was hurt. Spike hurt the girl. I…" Buffy leaned forward and softly kissed his lips. There was no thought behind it. Just passion. Just love for another being, that had been through so much with her. He stopped rambling on and closed him eyes. After a while she stopped and stood up. Spike looked up at her and said, "Thank you."
*****
Xander looked over at Willow. "Excuse me?!?"
"Oh come on Xander, you know it's true."
"I'm speechless. It has now become impossible for me to construct a simple sentence."
"Stop being so dramatic."
"How could you say that?"
Buffy walked in with Dawn. "What did she say?"
"That Wolverine could easily be defeated by The Hulk."
"And you are arguing about something only teenagers with no social skills read because…?"
"I don't believe it! Et Tu Buffy?" Xander clutched his chest and pretended to die.
Willow whispered in Buffy's ear "I just wanted to get him worked up. Xander goes all red in the face and cute with the huffiness and the puffiness."
Buffy grinned as she opened the microwave over and placed the bag of popcorn in it. "So what movie are we going to watch? We've got Sweet Home Alabama or Nightmare on Elm Street Part 1."
Xander shuddered "I'm sorry but bad story lines, horrible acting and the blood and gore, I'm not in the mood, let's watch Nightmare on Elm Street."
Dawn looked at him puzzled. "Where's the blood and gore in Sweet Home Alabama?"
"It's coming out of my ears as I hear that Avril Lavigne song sequence."
Dawn, Xander and Willow made themselves comfortable on the couch as Buffy brought in the made popcorn.
*****
Buffy got up as the movie finished. Dawn and Willow were asleep and Xander was twiddling his thumbs, looking off into space. "Freddy didn't scare you I see?"
"Well when you have the first slayer following you in your dreams and killing you, the scariness of Freddy is kind of a let down." He picked up the video case and whispered, "I'm sorry old friend…" He lay it back down and stretched out. "Time for me to head off home, get some sleep, maybe even watch a bit of the home shopping network, or some Springer, or maybe even some Playb…"
"Xander! Your thoughts haven't changed since the whole me reading minds thing have they?"
He grinned sheepishly.
"So you heading off to bed now?"
"Nope, I think I'm going to patrol. It's better without Dawn announcing our arrival to every single demon we come across."
"Ah, well, can I walk you down to my car?"
"Why yes you can, I'll just grab some gear."
*****
Buffy scanned the area. She had just dusted three vampires, and was getting bored. She began to walk towards the cemetery exit when she heard some harsh rasping coming from somewhere behind her. She quickly spun around and gasped. In front of her was on the largest vampires she had ever seen. He was close to seven foot, covered in blood, and covering the left part of his chest was a…"Bet you've never seen one of these before, have you girly?"
"A thick metal plate? Who's your plastic surgeon? I so won't ever go to HIM for corrective surgery."
"It's not just any metal plate girly, this is a titanium steel plate. Nothing will pierce it…Slayer." He said the last part with a hellish grin on his face.
"Oh, how do you know who I am? Did we meet at a party? Coz I would remember meeting someone who looks like an advertisement for contraception."
He lunged forward and grabbed her. Her face was very close to his, and she could smell the sweat and blood all over him. She tried wriggling out of his arms, but his grasp was too strong, and it was tightening. Doing the only thing she could think of, she kicked him in the groin. Straight away he dropped her. She rolled away and stood up. "Thank God you don't have a metal plate there, coz that would just be weird."
He stood up and Buffy looked at him, trying to think of a way to defeat him. There was no way brute force would defeat this vampire. He was too strong, and she wouldn't be able to keep kicking him in the 'sensitive area' all night. She needed to dust him. But he had that stupid metal plate that couldn't be pierced. Then it hit her. She ran towards him. His shock at her coming towards him stopped him from reacting quickly enough. Her fingers grabbed the metal plate and dug into his skin. She grabbed a hold and pulled away, revealing bloody muscles and flesh. She threw the plate away like a Frisbee and stabbed him in the heart with her stake.
"Ewwwwww I've got icky skin under my nails. Stupid vampire. Now I need some serious nail work done."
**A bar in Chicago**
Oz drank his beer and stared at the wall. He yawned and decided that it was time for him to head home. He left some money on the bar and walked out. As he made his way along the building he noticed a Muriel of a beautiful woman, dressed in Green. He stood still and looked at her intently. Suddenly a slight wind began to gather and the woman's hair and dress began to shimmer. Oz smiled. "Cool trick."
"Daniel, I have come to give direction to you, so that you may fulfill your role…"
"Okay…" Oz replied looking at the woman on the wall skeptically.
The woman on the wall crossed her arms and scowled "At least be a little enthusiastic. A little "yes oh mysterious lady" would be nice, jeez, way to ruin the atmosphere…"
Oz shrugged "I'm not an enthusiastic kind of guy."
"FINE! Go back to Sunnydale, there's your message." And she vanished.
Oz shrugged and made his way to his apartment to pack, contemplating whether mysterious forces also suffered from PMS.