I, my friends, am the queen of procrastination. Instead of writing a new chapter for Realities, I have written three chapters of an original story, and wrote this.

Where this came from, I have no idea. It was just a random epiphany that knocked into me on its way to someone else.

Disclaimer: I don't own Enterprise. I don't own the equipment. This is just a deranged little idea that was plucked from thin air.

This was written with help from my oh-so-holy buddy, WandersFar! Everyone clap for WandersFar! *clapcheer!*

So Misunderstood: The Universal Translator

They don't appreciate me. I do all the work, and who gets the credit? Hoshi, of course. She's the prodigy. She was only second in her class, for goodness sake! I would've been first in any class, easy. Just because she can learn a language after looking at it for two minutes makes her special.

Well, you know what? I can understand a language after only a few seconds! She needs to look at me to even begin to understand a language. Without me, she'd be telling a Klingon chancellor she thought he was hot, when she meant to say, 'thank you for dinner'. Without me, she'd be offering the chancellor more than 'dessert', if you catch my drift. I'm the one that has to work my casings off, using thousands and thousands of algorithms just so she doesn't make that mistake.

But still, it's my fault if she doesn't read my handy little pronunciation key right. They think I messed up, and get that engineer up here to fix me! And you know what? He has cold hands. I always get this overwhelming urge to shock him, just so his hands would warm up a bit. But of course, they'd rewire me if I even gave him a little zap. If you've ever been rewired, you'd know that it is not a pleasant experience.

And every time he comes up here, Hoshi's an inept buffoon. It's exactly the way she behaves when that ornery armory officer talks about some security matter or when that helmsman grins at her. She doesn't push the right buttons, and if she does, she strokes them. That's right, she doesn't push them, she strokes them. Okay people, no one touches me like that! I love Hoshi and all, but that's just too much.

And this is all going on while that engineer is fumbling around with my circuits. Everyone else rants about how gentle and caring he is with them. Puhlease! He's like a bull in a china shop when it comes to my delicate circuits and connections! The warp core never gets treated like that. It's all, "Trip polished me today," "Trip upgraded me today," "Trip is such a caring engineer!" It sickens me. Do I ever get polished? No. I just get stroked inappropriately. I have two years worth of grime covering my casings, and no one cares. I'll never get a date if I keep looking like this.

Now Hoshi's pushing my buttons again. Not very gently, either. Be kind to the poor UT, people! Do I get no respect around here? Sheesh.

Oh! New language. And Hoshi's not pushing any of the right things to translate it! It's too difficult a language to use any of those simple algorithms! Any moment she's going to start getting flustered because the bridge crew is rushing her....

And, there we go. She's spazzing out and pushing random buttons. That's my Hoshi! She'll hit the right one any minute now.... Nope, never mind. Almost the right one, but not quite. I still manage to translate the language, however, incorrect as it may be. No, Hoshi, don't tell the Captain they're requesting our recipe for fondue! That's not what they're asking for....

Do you ever listen to me? They don't want melted cheese. If you'd just push that button, the one I'm making blink, right there in the middle, you'd know they want to find if we've found two ships that went missing. Yes, Hoshi. Notice that flashing button. I'll even have it blink in Morse code if you like. That's right Hoshi... it's blinking. Telling you to 'push me'. And you ignore it, instead sending the recipe for fondue to the aliens. Boy, that was a wonderful first contact. We have just spread the joy that is fondue.

See? They don't want that! Now you're even more flustered because that ornery armory officer is saying the aliens are charging weapons. Stop it! You have work to do! Stop stroking me, damn it! Push the blinking button, you idiot! Don't stroke it, push it! Well, I have just been violated, but at least you now understand the aliens.

Great. I'm going to get a visit from that engineer because of the fondue incident. I'm going to get stroked even more....