Whee! I'm so happy you like! I don't normally do humor, so this rather new turf for me...
And instead of writing for Realities, I continue...
...This one isn't nearly as amusing, though...
What a shame. Hope you still like.
So Abused: The
Transporter
Every single one of them hates
me. You can't trust the transporter, they say. It won't put you back together
right. After all, few trillion molecules is a pretty big jigsaw puzzle. You'll
end up with your arm attached to your head. It's a thing of pure evil.
No one wants to go on the transporter...
Not a bit of that is true! I
happen to be incredibly good at jigsaw puzzles, thank you very much!
Almost all of the senior officers have been through me, and have they ever come
back inside-out? No, because I know far better than to dismember officers! Do
they think I have no morals? I'm more respectable than that! Who do they
think I am? The viewer? Psh.
The Captain won't even let his
dog use me! It's a dog, people, not a rocket scientist. And I've
seen that dog, he may be cute, but he's not bright. There are a few kibbles
missing from the bag, if you know what I mean. I'm insulted that they don't
trust me with an animal. It's not like we're losing a pivotal member of
the crew if I do mess up. Just because he's adorable he can't be put in
harm's way. And apparently, I'm harm.
Even if I did happen to
kill the most endearing crewmember on the ship, a new one would always pop up.
That engineer would probably love to take the critter's spot. He seems like the
type who would roll over to have his belly rubbed -- possibly for that smug
Vulcan woman, but even more likely for that linguist.... So, really, if
I turned the pup into mush, we wouldn't be losing anyone important. The UT
would have a few more problems with the linguist, but that's not my problem,
now is it?
Well, it is my problem when
the said linguist decides dreaming that I didn't put her back together
correctly warrants taking me apart. So, she was stuck in my pattern
buffer for a few seconds. Okay, that may have been my fault. But making
her lose molecular cohesion? In a dream? That's all her doing, not mine. Don't
blame the transporter for some weird hallucination! I was taken offline for
weeks after that little incident, and now people trust me even less.
What did I do to deserve that?
Like I said, none of the senior officers have ever come back worse for wear.
The only time there was a problem was with that one crewman who was high
on a little more than just life. There happened to be a lot of biomatter
right there! You can't blame me for not being able to differentiate between
leaves and, uh, people.
Plus, ask anyone who saw him,
he looked better with the leaves encrusted in his skin! He was so dull
without them. But, of course, instead of praising me, they decide I just can't
be trusted. I even helped the linguist get over some of her transporter fear
with that idiotic dream of hers, and still I get no praise.
Of course, the warp core takes
advantage of that. Everybody loves the warp core. What would they do without
the warp core? The universe would just end. Egotistical freak
takes every chance to rub it in my face. You know what I tell him? Someday I'll
be the one they need! Those shuttlepods are obviously less than
trustworthy, as something bad always happens to someone in a shuttlepod, and
someday, I'll be the one they use to get from place to place. Someday,
shuttlepods will be as expendable as ensigns... but no, the warp core doesn't
listen to me. Transporters will become obsolete and ensigns will be a pivotal
part of the crew. Idiot.
Oh, look. It's that ornery
armory officer, talking in that weird accent of his. Oooh! He's at my control
panel! He needs to use me to get someone off a planet. It looks like
today is my lucky day, eh? Found the target... transporting him up.... Ouch. A
little harder than I thought it would be. There's a little problem....
Heh. I thought there was only
one person down there. Well, I can now happily tell you, there's one less
crewman onboard, as the two have been... melded together. Hey, I'm sure it's a
common mistake. It'll happen again soon, to some other poor transporter. I'm
not the only one....
But now I'll be taken offline
again. It wasn't my fault, I'm telling you! It wasn't!
No, I have no earthly idea who was melded together. Nope. Imagine who you like.
Like I said, not as good. Cute until the end...
It was supposed to be a play on the Voy ep 'Tuvix'. Transporters will do that in future. *nod*