"Serena?" Ilene Tsukino opened her daughter's door a crack, peering in to
check on her daughter. The tall woman's delicate features were plagued by
worry as she gazed across the room at her daughter. "Serena, sweetheart,
are you alright?"
Serena barely nodded from her spot, perched on the window seat of her large bay window, her knee's hugged into her chest, her long hair pulled into a single messy bun at the top of her head, several loose strands falling onto the floor. Luna slept on her feet, looking like one large black slipper.
Ilene walked over to her daughter slowly. "Serena, I know your not feeling well, but you really should eat something," She said. She sat on the end of her daughter's bed, crossing her ankles. She reached out to touch Serena's shoulder, but decided against it and folded her hands in her lap.
"Serena, you know-"
"Momma," Serena interrupted in a small voice. "Was I an accident?"
Ilene stood erect, startled. She stood and wrapped her arms around her daughter, pulling the seemingly frail girl into her embrace. "Of course not, Sereenie," he mother hushed, using Serena's childhood nickname, hoping it would bring some comfort. "Your father and I wanted you so much," She said. "We tried for months and months, hoping and praying the gods would bless us with a child we could call our own.
"When we found out you were to be born, oh my lord, Serena, we were so happy!" Ilene said, a smile forming across her face at the memories. "When you were born, I looked into your eyes and knew that you were everything I could have possibly wanted. I had dreamed of you since I was a little girl, and you were more, because you were real."
Serena found comfort in her mother's arms, but not enough to face her. She closed her eyes and listened to her mothers' soft voice as it soothed her slightly.
"And you were always smiling, and crying, of course, but you took all the love we gave you and you gave it back to us three times as much. You have always been so full of life, Serena. Which is why I'm worried right now." Ilene pulled a few strands of hair off of her daughters face, brushing her fingers through her bangs. "You've been like this for two days, and you don't have a fever, so I'm worried that there is something that you aren't telling me."
Serena continued to stare out at the moon out of her closed eyelids. She felt tears threatening to spill down her face.
"You don't think that any child should be born into a family that didn't want it, do you Momma?" She said thickly.
"No," Ilene said. "Babies are meant to be loved. When they aren't, they grow not knowing what love is, and don't know how to give it back." She placed her fingers under her daughter's chin and gently turned Serena's face to face her. "You are a walking, breathing, living love, Serena. You are made of love, it is what created you, and it is what you should be proud of. So don't be sad, darling."
Serena looked into her mother's eyes and turned away. She couldn't bear it.
"I didn't love someone enough, Momma." She said. "I didn't want that love in my life, and I hate myself for it."
Ilene cocked her head. "Did something happen with Darien, dear?"
Serena shook her head. "No," she whispered. "But I ruined a life, Momma." The tears spilled down her face as her mother wrapped her in another embrace.
"No," She cooed into Serena's ear. "Serena, no. You cannot destroy anyone's life. You can only make it better."
Serena shook her head. "No, Momma," she said. "I didn't even give this. life a chance to live," She pulled apart from her mother and wiped the tears from her cheeks. "And I just. I just can't let go, I can't say good- bye."
Ilene was completely confused. Good-byes? Letting go? She knew better then to pry into her daughter's business, and ask her questions. She had tried that before, and all she got was Serena shutting her out. "Well," she began carefully. "Perhaps you should write it down."
Serena looked at her mother with a quizzitive glance. "Huh?"
Ilene leaned back. "Well, whenever I have a hard time letting something go, I always write it down," She said. "Like in a letter. A good-bye letter. I write down what I feel and then seal it in an envelope and that's that. Or in a poem. If you cant tell anyone what is wrong, you can at least tell yourself in another way then just your thoughts inside your head. Nobody got anywhere keeping their thoughts to themselves. And besides, the paper can't tell anyone." She offered a smile.
Ilene sighed and patted Serena's arm. "We'll, I'm going to put Sammy to bed now," She said, rising. She walked across the room, hoping she had gotten through to her daughter in some way. She reached the door and had almost closed it when she turned again. "Serena?"
Serena turned and looked at her.
"You know, if you ever need anything, I'm right here, alright?" She said, furrowing her brow. "To talk to. I'll be there for you, no matter what, you know that, right?"
Serena nodded and wished like hell that was true.
"::Hello, this is the Serena speaking, I'm not here right now, but if you leave a message after the beep I'll call you back when I can! Thanks! Bye!::" "BEEP"
"Hi, Serena? Are you there? I guess not. It's Mina. you haven't been to the arcade in three days, and well, we were all wondering if you were okay. we miss you! Please, call me back, well, call any of us back when you get this.Bye."
Serena deleted the message, feeling a pang of guilt that she hadn't let her friends know anything.
"Meatball head! Get your butt on the phone, girl! As much as I hate to admit it, and believe me, I do hate to admit this, but I'm worried about you. without you around I have nobody to make fun of! Haha! Just kidding. Show up at the arcade or school or something, you Italian headed hermit!"
Serena smiled at Rei's attempt to bring her back to life.
"Serena, its Molly. Ms. Haruna gave me some of your assignments. Call me."
Serena fell back onto her bed and sighed. She knew she couldn't hide out in her room forever. She was so miserable alone, but too scared to face the world by herself. She knew that no matter how many people she had by her side, she was still alone, no matter what. Some things she just had to deal with herself.
"Serena." Serena shot up at the sound of the deep voice. "Its Darien. I. um, if your there pick up.okay, I guess not. You haven't been around, and um, I just wanted to apologize for the other day. I'm sorry if I upset you. If you don't want to talk to me, I understand. And I'm sorry, again. Bye."
Serena's eyes filmed over. She looked around her room, trying to distract herself from the tears that just never seemed to end for the past two days. The skin on her cheeks were already dry and flaky from the constant drip of moisture taking away the oils on her skin, leaving it dry and chaffed.
In a rage, Serena picked up her alarm clock, ripping it from the wall and throwing it onto the other side of the room, as it shattered into small electronic pieces. The alarm rang for about two seconds before dying, and Serena ran into the bathroom.
"This is all your fault!" She screamed into the mirror. "You did this! Everything could be so perfect for you if it wasn't for your stupid, stupid, STUPID decisions! You're an idiot! Your and ugly, worthless, murderess who doesn't deserve to live! MURDERER!!" She screamed, throwing her fist into the large plane of glass, shattering it, the glass seemingly taking its time to hit the ground, the sound resonating through the room, echoing in Serena's mind 10 times its actual volume, causing her to scream. The blood dripped down her knuckles are the small shards imbedded themselves in her hand.
Serena's door flew open as Ilene ran into the room, still wearing her kitchen apron. "Serena? What was that?" She said anxiously, looking around the room. She heard a sob come from the bathroom, and ran to it, and gasped at the sight, all color draining from her face.
Serena sat in the small room the emergency room attendant had placed her in. Her mother sat in a hard chair, in complete shock.
"Serena, what in gods name happened in there?" She said for the 30th time in the last hour. And for the 31st time, she was answered by silence.
"I'm going to try and call your father again. I'll be back in a minute," she said, very frustrated and VERY disturbed by her daughter's condition. She was obviously in need of help, and she wondered how it suddenly became clear to her in only the past few days.
She had always tried to give her children the distance they desired, as so they wouldn't push her away and feel oppressed and smothered. She had always believed in phases, and knew that her children were bright and knew they could figure things out on their own. But now she began to doubt herself, seeing her baby girls obviously disturbed state.
Serena sat in the bare room, alone. The nurse had wrapped her hand in gauze and had called for a doctor to come in and look at. That was almost 2 hours ago. Serena felt the pain, and with each stab a tear fell. She was still amazed that she could never run out of tears.
If I had collected all this water in a container, I probably could have given 3 African villages enough water to last them a year, she thought morbidly.
She looked up at the sound of a knocking on the door, and attempted to wipe the tears from her face with her available hand as a tall, older, distinguished looking doctor came in, followed by-
"Hello, Ms. Tsukino, I am Dr. Okayasu, and if you don't mind, I'm being observed by one of my Medical Students, Darien Chiba."
Serena stared at Darien in shock. "I thought you were working," She said.
Darien, equally as shocked, cleared his throat. "I don't work on Thursdays," he said.
Dr. Okayasu looked between the two. "Well, I can see you two know each other, so I'm sure this wont be much of a problem." He walked over to Serena and glanced at her chart. "Lets see. it says here you punched a bathroom mirror, is that correct?" He said.
Serena, taking her eyes of Darien briefly, nodded. The doctor looked at her for a moment before taking a deep breath. "Alright, lets see what we have here," He lifted her hand and a few pads of gauze, and examined the hand. "Not too bad, you have quite a large piece of glass in your index knuckle, that will have to be stitched, no doubt. Everything else looks like minor abrasions, a few shards are still in there, but those can be taken out fairly easily. We'll have to give you a shot of Novocain-"
"Don't you use that for teeth?" Serena said, curious.
"Yes, but it can also be used in situations like this." He said patiently. "I'll go prepare the shot and-"
"Hello?" Mrs. Tsukino walked into the room.
The doctor turned around and smiled. "Ahh, Mrs. Tsukino I'm assuming? I'm Dr. Okayasu, I'm the resident surgeon at St. Peters, could you step outside with me for a moment?" Mrs. Tsukino nodded. "Darien, why don't you flush some of Ms. Tsukino's wounds with saline, and put some bacitracion on those abrasions." He said, closing the door.
Darien walked over to the small sink and counters in the room. "Jesus, Serena, what happened to you?" he said.
He didn't just mean her hand. Her normally bright eyes were dull and clouded, her normally soft and shimmery hair slightly greasy and tied loosely into a ponytail, her skin dry on her cheeks and dark circles under her eyes.
Serena shrugged.
"I called you," Darien said, taking out a few pieces of gauze.
"I know," Serena whispered.
Darien opened a drawer and took out a small bottle and a syringe. He stabbed the top of the bottle, a rubber cap on it, and sucked the syringe with the clear, watery liquid inside. "Serena, I've been worried."
"I know." She repeated.
"Why did you punch the mirror?" He said, pulling up a chair and taking her small, delicate hand into his. He flushed the small wounds with the saline in the syringe, and patted the cuts with the gauze.
"Because I hate myself." Serena said matter-of-factly. She stared at the way he was cleaning her hand, wondering why he didn't just stick it in the sink.
"Why do you hate yourself Serena?" He said gently. "You're a wonderful human being, you have no reason to hate yourself."
"Yes I do," She said, looking into his brutally honest eyes. He lifted his gaze to hers, putting the syringe down. "You would too if you knew what I've done."
"What did you do, Serena?" He said.
Don't cry, she said to herself. Don't cry, not anymore, your not going to cry anymore, you don't want him to see you cry. "I cant."
"Yes you can, Serena," He said, a bit more forcefully then he intended. He softened. "You can trust me. I'm not going to run away from you Serena. Nothing could be that bad. What did you do, kill someone?" He joked.
Tears spilled over Serena's cheeks and her jaw clamped shut. She squeezed her eyes shut.
"Serena. it was a joke," He said, suddenly unsure of himself. He shifted uncomfortably in his already uncomfortable chair.
"Your not that far off the mark," She said bitterly. She could feel her heart pounding, with each beat screaming for her to tell him. To tell him everything, to spill everything she had been hiding to him, and only to him, just as long as it was somebody. But at the same time her head screamed for silence.
She stared at his face, memorizing every feature before taking a deep breath. "You cant run away." She said gravely.
Darien kept her gaze, wanting to help her so desperately. He was chilled by the stone look on her face as her eyes searched his, looking for something he wished he could provide, knowing he could if he only knew what she was looking for. "I wont."
"You wont abandon me?" She said, deadly serious.
Darien shook his head. "Never."
Serena opened her mouth to speak when the door opened and Dr. Okayasu and her mother stepped in.
"Finished there, Darien?" The doctor boomed.
Darien straightened, and nodded. He stood and bent over to lean into Serena's face and whispered in her ear. "You'll tell me later."
And Serena knew she had to and the Doctor led her from the small room into a larger one, separated only by curtains, where there was no privacy for her to tell Darien, or anyone, anything at all.
AN: Sorry, had to do it! The story would have been too long if I didn't!! Review for me please, critisism welcome, as long as its constructive!! ^_^
Serena barely nodded from her spot, perched on the window seat of her large bay window, her knee's hugged into her chest, her long hair pulled into a single messy bun at the top of her head, several loose strands falling onto the floor. Luna slept on her feet, looking like one large black slipper.
Ilene walked over to her daughter slowly. "Serena, I know your not feeling well, but you really should eat something," She said. She sat on the end of her daughter's bed, crossing her ankles. She reached out to touch Serena's shoulder, but decided against it and folded her hands in her lap.
"Serena, you know-"
"Momma," Serena interrupted in a small voice. "Was I an accident?"
Ilene stood erect, startled. She stood and wrapped her arms around her daughter, pulling the seemingly frail girl into her embrace. "Of course not, Sereenie," he mother hushed, using Serena's childhood nickname, hoping it would bring some comfort. "Your father and I wanted you so much," She said. "We tried for months and months, hoping and praying the gods would bless us with a child we could call our own.
"When we found out you were to be born, oh my lord, Serena, we were so happy!" Ilene said, a smile forming across her face at the memories. "When you were born, I looked into your eyes and knew that you were everything I could have possibly wanted. I had dreamed of you since I was a little girl, and you were more, because you were real."
Serena found comfort in her mother's arms, but not enough to face her. She closed her eyes and listened to her mothers' soft voice as it soothed her slightly.
"And you were always smiling, and crying, of course, but you took all the love we gave you and you gave it back to us three times as much. You have always been so full of life, Serena. Which is why I'm worried right now." Ilene pulled a few strands of hair off of her daughters face, brushing her fingers through her bangs. "You've been like this for two days, and you don't have a fever, so I'm worried that there is something that you aren't telling me."
Serena continued to stare out at the moon out of her closed eyelids. She felt tears threatening to spill down her face.
"You don't think that any child should be born into a family that didn't want it, do you Momma?" She said thickly.
"No," Ilene said. "Babies are meant to be loved. When they aren't, they grow not knowing what love is, and don't know how to give it back." She placed her fingers under her daughter's chin and gently turned Serena's face to face her. "You are a walking, breathing, living love, Serena. You are made of love, it is what created you, and it is what you should be proud of. So don't be sad, darling."
Serena looked into her mother's eyes and turned away. She couldn't bear it.
"I didn't love someone enough, Momma." She said. "I didn't want that love in my life, and I hate myself for it."
Ilene cocked her head. "Did something happen with Darien, dear?"
Serena shook her head. "No," she whispered. "But I ruined a life, Momma." The tears spilled down her face as her mother wrapped her in another embrace.
"No," She cooed into Serena's ear. "Serena, no. You cannot destroy anyone's life. You can only make it better."
Serena shook her head. "No, Momma," she said. "I didn't even give this. life a chance to live," She pulled apart from her mother and wiped the tears from her cheeks. "And I just. I just can't let go, I can't say good- bye."
Ilene was completely confused. Good-byes? Letting go? She knew better then to pry into her daughter's business, and ask her questions. She had tried that before, and all she got was Serena shutting her out. "Well," she began carefully. "Perhaps you should write it down."
Serena looked at her mother with a quizzitive glance. "Huh?"
Ilene leaned back. "Well, whenever I have a hard time letting something go, I always write it down," She said. "Like in a letter. A good-bye letter. I write down what I feel and then seal it in an envelope and that's that. Or in a poem. If you cant tell anyone what is wrong, you can at least tell yourself in another way then just your thoughts inside your head. Nobody got anywhere keeping their thoughts to themselves. And besides, the paper can't tell anyone." She offered a smile.
Ilene sighed and patted Serena's arm. "We'll, I'm going to put Sammy to bed now," She said, rising. She walked across the room, hoping she had gotten through to her daughter in some way. She reached the door and had almost closed it when she turned again. "Serena?"
Serena turned and looked at her.
"You know, if you ever need anything, I'm right here, alright?" She said, furrowing her brow. "To talk to. I'll be there for you, no matter what, you know that, right?"
Serena nodded and wished like hell that was true.
"::Hello, this is the Serena speaking, I'm not here right now, but if you leave a message after the beep I'll call you back when I can! Thanks! Bye!::" "BEEP"
"Hi, Serena? Are you there? I guess not. It's Mina. you haven't been to the arcade in three days, and well, we were all wondering if you were okay. we miss you! Please, call me back, well, call any of us back when you get this.Bye."
Serena deleted the message, feeling a pang of guilt that she hadn't let her friends know anything.
"Meatball head! Get your butt on the phone, girl! As much as I hate to admit it, and believe me, I do hate to admit this, but I'm worried about you. without you around I have nobody to make fun of! Haha! Just kidding. Show up at the arcade or school or something, you Italian headed hermit!"
Serena smiled at Rei's attempt to bring her back to life.
"Serena, its Molly. Ms. Haruna gave me some of your assignments. Call me."
Serena fell back onto her bed and sighed. She knew she couldn't hide out in her room forever. She was so miserable alone, but too scared to face the world by herself. She knew that no matter how many people she had by her side, she was still alone, no matter what. Some things she just had to deal with herself.
"Serena." Serena shot up at the sound of the deep voice. "Its Darien. I. um, if your there pick up.okay, I guess not. You haven't been around, and um, I just wanted to apologize for the other day. I'm sorry if I upset you. If you don't want to talk to me, I understand. And I'm sorry, again. Bye."
Serena's eyes filmed over. She looked around her room, trying to distract herself from the tears that just never seemed to end for the past two days. The skin on her cheeks were already dry and flaky from the constant drip of moisture taking away the oils on her skin, leaving it dry and chaffed.
In a rage, Serena picked up her alarm clock, ripping it from the wall and throwing it onto the other side of the room, as it shattered into small electronic pieces. The alarm rang for about two seconds before dying, and Serena ran into the bathroom.
"This is all your fault!" She screamed into the mirror. "You did this! Everything could be so perfect for you if it wasn't for your stupid, stupid, STUPID decisions! You're an idiot! Your and ugly, worthless, murderess who doesn't deserve to live! MURDERER!!" She screamed, throwing her fist into the large plane of glass, shattering it, the glass seemingly taking its time to hit the ground, the sound resonating through the room, echoing in Serena's mind 10 times its actual volume, causing her to scream. The blood dripped down her knuckles are the small shards imbedded themselves in her hand.
Serena's door flew open as Ilene ran into the room, still wearing her kitchen apron. "Serena? What was that?" She said anxiously, looking around the room. She heard a sob come from the bathroom, and ran to it, and gasped at the sight, all color draining from her face.
Serena sat in the small room the emergency room attendant had placed her in. Her mother sat in a hard chair, in complete shock.
"Serena, what in gods name happened in there?" She said for the 30th time in the last hour. And for the 31st time, she was answered by silence.
"I'm going to try and call your father again. I'll be back in a minute," she said, very frustrated and VERY disturbed by her daughter's condition. She was obviously in need of help, and she wondered how it suddenly became clear to her in only the past few days.
She had always tried to give her children the distance they desired, as so they wouldn't push her away and feel oppressed and smothered. She had always believed in phases, and knew that her children were bright and knew they could figure things out on their own. But now she began to doubt herself, seeing her baby girls obviously disturbed state.
Serena sat in the bare room, alone. The nurse had wrapped her hand in gauze and had called for a doctor to come in and look at. That was almost 2 hours ago. Serena felt the pain, and with each stab a tear fell. She was still amazed that she could never run out of tears.
If I had collected all this water in a container, I probably could have given 3 African villages enough water to last them a year, she thought morbidly.
She looked up at the sound of a knocking on the door, and attempted to wipe the tears from her face with her available hand as a tall, older, distinguished looking doctor came in, followed by-
"Hello, Ms. Tsukino, I am Dr. Okayasu, and if you don't mind, I'm being observed by one of my Medical Students, Darien Chiba."
Serena stared at Darien in shock. "I thought you were working," She said.
Darien, equally as shocked, cleared his throat. "I don't work on Thursdays," he said.
Dr. Okayasu looked between the two. "Well, I can see you two know each other, so I'm sure this wont be much of a problem." He walked over to Serena and glanced at her chart. "Lets see. it says here you punched a bathroom mirror, is that correct?" He said.
Serena, taking her eyes of Darien briefly, nodded. The doctor looked at her for a moment before taking a deep breath. "Alright, lets see what we have here," He lifted her hand and a few pads of gauze, and examined the hand. "Not too bad, you have quite a large piece of glass in your index knuckle, that will have to be stitched, no doubt. Everything else looks like minor abrasions, a few shards are still in there, but those can be taken out fairly easily. We'll have to give you a shot of Novocain-"
"Don't you use that for teeth?" Serena said, curious.
"Yes, but it can also be used in situations like this." He said patiently. "I'll go prepare the shot and-"
"Hello?" Mrs. Tsukino walked into the room.
The doctor turned around and smiled. "Ahh, Mrs. Tsukino I'm assuming? I'm Dr. Okayasu, I'm the resident surgeon at St. Peters, could you step outside with me for a moment?" Mrs. Tsukino nodded. "Darien, why don't you flush some of Ms. Tsukino's wounds with saline, and put some bacitracion on those abrasions." He said, closing the door.
Darien walked over to the small sink and counters in the room. "Jesus, Serena, what happened to you?" he said.
He didn't just mean her hand. Her normally bright eyes were dull and clouded, her normally soft and shimmery hair slightly greasy and tied loosely into a ponytail, her skin dry on her cheeks and dark circles under her eyes.
Serena shrugged.
"I called you," Darien said, taking out a few pieces of gauze.
"I know," Serena whispered.
Darien opened a drawer and took out a small bottle and a syringe. He stabbed the top of the bottle, a rubber cap on it, and sucked the syringe with the clear, watery liquid inside. "Serena, I've been worried."
"I know." She repeated.
"Why did you punch the mirror?" He said, pulling up a chair and taking her small, delicate hand into his. He flushed the small wounds with the saline in the syringe, and patted the cuts with the gauze.
"Because I hate myself." Serena said matter-of-factly. She stared at the way he was cleaning her hand, wondering why he didn't just stick it in the sink.
"Why do you hate yourself Serena?" He said gently. "You're a wonderful human being, you have no reason to hate yourself."
"Yes I do," She said, looking into his brutally honest eyes. He lifted his gaze to hers, putting the syringe down. "You would too if you knew what I've done."
"What did you do, Serena?" He said.
Don't cry, she said to herself. Don't cry, not anymore, your not going to cry anymore, you don't want him to see you cry. "I cant."
"Yes you can, Serena," He said, a bit more forcefully then he intended. He softened. "You can trust me. I'm not going to run away from you Serena. Nothing could be that bad. What did you do, kill someone?" He joked.
Tears spilled over Serena's cheeks and her jaw clamped shut. She squeezed her eyes shut.
"Serena. it was a joke," He said, suddenly unsure of himself. He shifted uncomfortably in his already uncomfortable chair.
"Your not that far off the mark," She said bitterly. She could feel her heart pounding, with each beat screaming for her to tell him. To tell him everything, to spill everything she had been hiding to him, and only to him, just as long as it was somebody. But at the same time her head screamed for silence.
She stared at his face, memorizing every feature before taking a deep breath. "You cant run away." She said gravely.
Darien kept her gaze, wanting to help her so desperately. He was chilled by the stone look on her face as her eyes searched his, looking for something he wished he could provide, knowing he could if he only knew what she was looking for. "I wont."
"You wont abandon me?" She said, deadly serious.
Darien shook his head. "Never."
Serena opened her mouth to speak when the door opened and Dr. Okayasu and her mother stepped in.
"Finished there, Darien?" The doctor boomed.
Darien straightened, and nodded. He stood and bent over to lean into Serena's face and whispered in her ear. "You'll tell me later."
And Serena knew she had to and the Doctor led her from the small room into a larger one, separated only by curtains, where there was no privacy for her to tell Darien, or anyone, anything at all.
AN: Sorry, had to do it! The story would have been too long if I didn't!! Review for me please, critisism welcome, as long as its constructive!! ^_^