Chapter 8/?
The 8th Variable- Emotion
"Sara tell me what is wrong." He asked once again. "It's not like you to become so upset over this. You're not claustrophobic are you?"
She smiled. "No more than the next person."
It was quiet once again as her sentence died away in the bunker. The normal and logical thought that entered his head would be to walk away. He would let things fall in place naturally and she would find Nick or someone to confide in, but there he was, trapped with the most wonderful woman he ever met with no easy exit. Any other man might be grateful of such an opportunity, but Grissom wasn't any other man. Sara was his unknown factor in experiments. She was always miscalculated and she always changed the outcome no matter how sure he was of his hypothesis. As it was true now, he could not run from her. He could not out smart her and leave her baffled. He was stuck like the pinned beetles to ride out the linear regression of talking to her.
"Why don't you tell me?"
"You never asked before." She mumbled unable to meet his eyes.
He raised an eyebrow as he spoke. "I ask you all the time."
"You ask about work, or about cases, but never anything that might require a conversation."
The words stung and he resisted the urge to walk away. "Do you really believe that?" He choked out.
"Yes." She let the answer sink in before pressing on. The pause seemed to last hours, but only a matter of seconds passed. "Grissom what day is it?"
"Saturday."
"I work every Saturday." She pointed out hoping he would understand, hoping she wouldn't have to expose herself beyond recovery.
"I know." He answered confused.
She read his face like she had so many times before and dropped her head. "Grissom I can't do this."
"What?"
"This. Us."
He shook his head removing his glasses to rub the pulsing temples. "Sara you aren't making sense."
"I'm so sorry if you're confused Grissom, but so am I." She said bitterly. "You can't keep doing this to me."
"What am I doing?" He asked. In all honesty he had no idea how such a common conversation was leading into personal territory. The urge to flee continued to grow.
"Nothing and that is the problem."
He stared at her in awe before quickly jumping to his feet. He couldn't believe this was happening. This was just an ordinary case, with odd circumstances, but nonetheless it was normal. This was not normal. He couldn't breathe. "No Sara, I don't need to hear this now."
She used the wall as support to rise to her feet. "Too bad. Nothing is expected but I am tired of this thing we do."
"Words are better left unsaid." He recited without emotion.
"Why? Because it can make denial easier?" She scoffed. "Grissom I practically poured my heart in that song and you didn't even blink."
"What song?"
She threw daggers with her brown eyes. "You have got to be kidding me? I'll have to get you a copy because you really need to listen to the lyrics. If you regret saying anything, or you regret sending me that plant then say so, but I can't keep thinking you care about me when you don't. It has been months since you...connected with me. You've ignored what happened and have been pulling away from me again. I can't keep waiting for another pull to replace the pushes. I just can't."
"I do care about you." He said latching onto the words that he could work with. He truly did but he didn't need Sara to add to his list of problems. He needed time.
"Grissom?!" She spat his name with disbelief. "Have you heard anything I just said?!"
"Why is this suddenly bothering you?"
"Suddenly?!" She shouted. "How can you call the passed decade sudden? You cannot stand there and put this all on me."
"I cannot do this now." He repeated.
She spun away to hide her pain. He needed to touch her, to bring her back to him, but his hands hung loosely at his sides allowing her to slip away from him again.
"Grissom why did you ask me to stay in Vegas if..." Her voice trailed off unable to complete the draining thought.
"That was a long time ago Sara. You couldn't possibly think that it was more than admiration for a mentor. It wasn't right."
"Grissom stop. Just stop it. That has nothing to do with the present." She huffed in anger and pain. "Just say there is nothing between us so I can move on."
"I can't." He said softly remembering the last two years he spent working with her. It was impossible to deny.
She fought back the tears. Why was he hurting her? He isn't the same man anymore. Why was he pushing her away after he made such a drastic move forward. "Grissom what is wrong? Please tell me. I know something is bothering you. Please..."
"Everything isn't so simple Sara." His voice was colder than he intended but purposeful.
"Fine." She said through clenched teeth. She could not force him to talk. She was tired of waiting to be walked on. She limped over to her early object of aggression and picked up the pieces of salvation to get away; away from him. She needed to get out of there soon before he torn her apart inside.
He balled his fists until his short nails dug into the skin. The weight on his chest grew in such great magnitude he thought he was having a panic attack. He released all the energy he still possessed as his hands opened and he spoke.
"I'm going deaf Sara." He whispered allowing his pain to pour out in front of her.
He closed his eyes no longer willing to take in her reaction. He could not recover from her reaction of anger and sympathy. It was too much. Everything was becoming too much. He had nowhere to go and nowhere to be but here with her and she was hurting him.
"I have otosclerosis. Are you happy now?" He finished opening his eyes.
She crossed over to him but did not touch him. She didn't know what to do. She hadn't expected this. Deaf? Hearing loss? Oto-what? She had no idea. How could she have been so blind? How could she have been so selfish when he was going through enough for both of them. She had been so naive, so wrong to say such things.
The silence told him everything he needed to know. He sharply turned away from her and walked away.
"I'm sorry Grissom."
He spun angrily at her. "This has nothing to do with you Sara!"
"I-I know...I'm sorry. I didn't realize." Her head dropped in shame. "You are right, we shouldn't do this now."
He watched her for a moment calming his breathing. He never meant to take out his frustration on her of all people, but he did. He took a deep breath slowly gaining control again. "Sara I don't know what to do anymore."
She looked up locking eyes with him as he desperately searched for something to hold on to and keep.
"How long have you known?" She choked out beyond the lump in her throat that threatened promising tears.
"Fifty three days."
Without her permission a tear rolled down her cheek. She quickly brushed it away before she spoke. "I want to help you. Let me help."
He didn't know what else he could do. She knew. He could not take back his confession. He could no longer hide away behind the mask of fear. She was offering help that he undoubtedly needed more than ever. All he had to do was take it. He nodded compliance in slow motion.
"Okay." She stifled out a laugh in joy causing more tears to cascade down her face. "Where do we start?"
He smiled as he approached her shaking form to wipe away the tears. "You really are much more beautiful when you smile."
The crying would not stop but her hands flew to her face in a feeble attempt to dry her damp face and stop the tears. She had to be strong for him.
He took her hands in his removing them from her face. "It's okay Sara. You can cry for both of us." She slowly wrapped her arms around his body pulling him close. He hesitated at first before easing into her warm embrace as the tears soaked his shirt. "Shh. It's going to be okay. I promise."
(tbc)
Note: What can I say I was tired of the tension. Wahoo! Sara knows and Grissom has accepted her friendship. Yep that could only happen this early in a fanfic. Anyway, this was supposed to be happy and I thought it was getting too serious so I did what any writer would do: take matters into your own hands. Oh the possibilities.