Disclaimer - *sigh* I still don't own InuYasha. Somebody got a tissue?
AN - Warning - suicidal situations. Please note that I do not condone suicide. And don't forget to review : )
Chapter 2 - Possible Solutions
Dawn.
Gods, why did it have to come so soon? I'm so tired . . . tired of everything. Tired of the nightmares, tired of the heartache . . . tired of being the replacement, the shard detector, the second place. Oh, gods, why me? Why did I have to fall down that damn well? Why did I have to be HER reincarnation? Hell, why did I have to RELEASE you? When it all comes down to it, you, InuYasha, are the very heart of all my problems. No, wait . . . not you, the Shikon No Tama. That damn jewel is the cause for so much heartache . . . yours, mine, Sango's, Miroku's . . . even Shippo's. But . . . oh hell, I really can't regret falling down the well and releasing you. We've had so many good times, you and me. And I never would have met my best friends if I hadn't come here.
Once that jewel is back together . . . what's to become of all of us? Miroku will be healed, Sango's brother will be at peace . . . but what about the rest of us? Shippo's parents aren't coming back. You . . . well, you'll be going to hell with Kikyo, won't you. But me . . . I LOSE everything I've come to value so much. Once the jewel is complete . . . I won't be needed here anymore. The only other reason I would have would be you . . . and you are going with HER. Oh, if only it could be different. You sit up in that tree . . . and you look so calm, so collected. Do you even know what you are doing to me? Piece by piece my heart turns into ashes and dust . . . and I find that I can't do anything about it, as long as you are near me. Will I ever be able to love again, when you are gone? Will I even be able to continue on?
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She was looking at him again. His night of thinking had done nothing to help him figure a way out of his current dilemma . . . if anything it had made it worse. His mind had spent the whole night coming up with ideas, and discarding them just as fast. It was rapidly looking like a hopeless situation to him. Only one idea had sprung to mind and stayed there . . . but oh, did he dread using it.
She was done packing, and had kicked dirt over the fire. Now she stood, staring up at him expectantly, her eyes dark, standing in his shadow.
"Feh. You ready?"
She nodded, and waited as he rolled off his branch to land nearby. Saying nothing, he turned to walk deeper into the woods, Kagome trailing quietly at his heels. Inside, anxiety roiled and bubbled, making him nauseous. She looked so lost . . . so heartbroken . . . he just wanted to reach out and make all her pain go away. But he couldn't do that . . . not when he was the cause of her pain in the first place. His hands clenched in fists, claws digging into his palms till he felt blood beginning to drip from his knuckles. What was he supposed to do now? Her silence was killing him, slowly but surely.
Oh hell. It looked like he was going to have to use his idea . . . Miroku. Heavens help him . . . this was really gonna hurt his pride.
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You're bleeding. I can see it dripping steadily from your hands, so tightly clenched into fists. Are you thinking about her? Gods, why am I even asking that . . . of course you are. She's the only thing that can get this type of response out of you. So protective, so dense . . . so beautiful. Yes, you are beautiful, although I'll never, ever say that to you. Not knowing what I know of your heart.
Long hair, so white it couldn't possibly be bleached . . . golden eyes that could blaze like the fury of hell or be as warm as amber honey . . . a body so honed by fighting for your life that it could have been sculpted by an artist reaching for the perfect man . . . oh gods, why am I thinking this!? I can feel the heat in my cheeks . . . I must be as red as the sky at sunset. Not that you'll notice, of course, lost in your thoughts of HER as you are. Well, while I'm going down your physical attributes . . . let's not forget those absolutely CUTE ears of yours. They were the first thing I noticed about you . . . that, and how innocent you looked while you hung from that arrow. You have no idea how much I want to caress them . . . to use them to show you how much I love you.
I'm torturing myself . . . I know it, but I can't stop it. The effect you have on me is simply . . . amazing. The one you love the most is the one who can hurt you the most . . . now where did I hear that from? Oh well, whatever the case, it's true. You can be so caring, so warm . . . and the next minute, so cold and heartless. It leaves me breathless, sometimes, how fast your moods can change. There are times when I just want to hug you to me, to never let you go and shield you from the world that's hurt you so much . . . and then there are times I just want to hit you, to strike out at you . . . to sit you into oblivion.
But, I can't do it. Well, other than the sit thing, that is. I love you too much to really ever hurt you. Which, of course, is the reason I keep this all pent up inside. Momma says it's not good to do this, to keep everything inside . . . but what else can I do? It would hurt you to know how much I love you, how much I want you, want to be with you day in and day out . . . how much I hate HER for doing this to you.
Yes . . . I hate her, even as I pity her. I never thought I could hate anyone this much . . . I don't even hate Naraku as much as I hate Kikyo. I'll bet you think I don't have it in me to hate anyone. Well, I do. I hate HER. If I could kill her, I would . . . put her soul to rest and be done with it . . . but it would hurt you, and then you would hate me.
Maybe . . . maybe it would be best for all of us . . . if I was gone. If I stepped into the shadows forever. You wouldn't have to protect me anymore . . . you could devote all your time to her.
I can't believe I'm thinking this . . . but it would solve all our problems, wouldn't it? I would no longer hurt, and you would no longer be tied to a 'useless girl' who's always 'in the way'. Yes, I think it really would be the best solution.
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They were nearing a lake . . . he could smell the water in the air as the sun slowly dipped below the horizon. The day had passed in silence . . . a tense silence at that. He missed her . . . he missed the real Kagome. This brooding, silent, tense Kagome was not his Kagome . . . it was like she had hidden herself and this imposter had taken her place. Hell, he would even accept being 'sat' a few times . . . just to know that she was still inside the silent figure behind him.
It would take them at least another day of travel to reach the village. Then, he could corner Miroku and get his advice . . . it seemed like right now, damn his pride, he needed it. He didn't know how to bring Kagome back to herself, not on his own.
He glanced back at her, noting the way the sunlight played across her figure. He couldn't see her face . . . her head was down, looking at her feet, her eyes hidden in shadow. He stopped himself from turning around and dragging her into him . . . he wanted to crush her to his chest, force her to look at him, to speak to him . . . anything but this dark silence that surrounded them both. But that would hurt her further . . . at least until he could make her believe that it was no longer Kikyo who occupied his heart, but her. Kagome, and only Kagome, lived in his heart now.
He had been such a fool, not to see it before this. To see the difference between the two of them . . . to see the difference in himself. He'd known it was there - even he couldn't be that brain dead - but he'd been denying it, to wrapped up in his past to give the future a chance. His past. Why did it always come down to that? His past was exactly that . . . the past . . . and all the pain and horror he'd endured in it had shaped the person he was now. But, was that any excuse for what he'd done to Kagome? No . . . he had to admit to himself that it wasn't . . . not really.
He only hoped he could somehow undo all the damage he had done.
"We'll camp here," he called over his shoulder to her. She nodded wordlessly, and setting her backpack on the ground, began to set up camp. He quickly gathered firewood, setting up a quick campfire before walking the perimeter for demons or any sign of them. There was nothing. He thought about offering to help her fix dinner . . . but in the mood she was in, he didn't think it wise. So, he sat back and watched in silence as she prepared four bowls of Ramen. He smiled slightly, knowing she was preparing three for him. He couldn't help that he loved Ramen . . . although Kagome kept getting on him about his eating habits . . . or lack of manners, as she put it. It was one of the few things from her world that he loved . . . the other being her.
She was silent as she handed him his bowls, which he scarfed down quickly . . . he finished all three and wished he could have more before she even finished her one. He watched her pick at the food, playing with the noodles, but hardly eating, and debated walking around the fire and feeding her himself, just to make sure she ate. He settled for goading her, knowing that the first option would be too out of character at the moment.
"Feh. If you don't eat, wench, you'll only slow us down tomorrow. Stop playing with the damn stuff and eat it already." She looked up at him, eyes blazing in anger for a second . . . before darkness closed in and quenched the flames in deep pools of blue/grey once again. He found he'd wanted her to get angry . . . anything but this horrid silence that grated on his nerves and allowed him to think too much. Silently, she began eating, methodically chewing and swallowing as if she wasn't even tasting it. He sighed, slightly happy that he'd gotten her to at least eat, but wishing he could do more.
She finished, and packed everything back in her pack before standing silently, and going over to her sleeping bag. She crawled into it, facing away from him, and was quickly asleep. InuYasha sighed, and got comfortable.
Tomorrow could not come soon enough for his liking.
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You're asleep. Good . . . then you won't hear me when I leave after I've written this letter. If I'm quiet enough, that is. Well, if I'm not quiet enough, I'll just tell you I'm going to take a bath. You won't follow me, after all . . . why would you want to look at my skinny body when you've got Kikyo in your heart.
I wish there was another way . . . but I can't see any other way to take care of everyone's problems at once, except to do this. Funny . . . I'm not afraid. You always read about people being afraid of death . . . but right now, I'm not. Maybe it's because I'm in so much incurable pain that the sweet oblivion of death would be a respite from the harsh shadows of reality.
I'm always in the shadows with you. I stand in your shadow as you fight . . . I stand in your shadow as you love. And now, I will stand in the shadows of death . . . so that you can be free to be with Kikyo.
There is a cliff near here . . . a cliff overlooking the lake. A beautiful place . . . it'll be nice to know that I'm dying somewhere so beautiful. It helps, somehow. I'm looking at you one last time, drinking in your beauty . . . drowning in how much I love you. So innocent in sleep . . . like an angel fallen to earth, even with those wonderful, cute, fuzzy ears. Maybe . . . no. There is no other way. My letter will free you, as my death will free you . . . and I know you'll do as I wish and take the second letter to my mother. I know Mom will understand . . . she tried to do this once, as well . . . right after Dad died. But she had us to stop her . . . me and Souta. I have no one . . . no one I really need to live for.
I haven't got time for this dwelling on the past. My future in the shadows awaits me . . . and I go toward it with an open heart that still bleeds red tears . . . tears of blood for what can never be between us.
It's time to move on . . . for all of us.
To Be Continued