Masaka

Chapter 2

A Cardcaptor Sakura Fanfic by Eldebo

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 "I think I'm in love with you."

That was what she said.  That was what she meant.

Masaka.

This can't be.  Not me.  Not me, Sakura!  Not me!

Nausea crept into my stomach.  Adrenaline coursed through my body and bothered my heart.  For a moment, I could do nothing but stare at her with my mouth agape.  Dimly, I felt her squeeze my hand.

I felt another shock pass through my body.  I closed my mouth and swallowed, and then I was able to find my voice. 

"Sakura-chan," I managed to say, "What do you mean, you love me?"

She squeezed my hand again and took a deep breath.  "Yes, I am in love with you, Daidouji Tomoyo.  I love you with all of my heart and soul.  I love you."  I was overwhelmed with the emotion that Sakura had poured into those words.  But it was wrong.  It was all wrong.  Why was she giving this to me?  This was not a gift that was meant for me!

I had to stop this.  But I was afraid.  No one could know the terror that was consuming my heart—it was the exact opposite of what filled Sakura's heart.  When I saw what was coming in Sakura's eyes, a coil of anxiety deep in my being began to wind.  It grew tighter and tighter with each passing moment.  I knew exactly what it meant, but if I could stop time like Li could with magic I would have stopped this day from proceeding.  As it was, it was inexorably proceeding to a conclusion that I didn't bear thinking about.

"Do you want to know what I dreamed about?"

I audibly gasped.  How long had she been waiting for me to say something?  I answered with a meek "Yes," glad for anything that would give me time to think.

 "It began with darkness, absolute darkness.  There was no light at all.  I couldn't even see myself; I couldn't see my hands in front of my face.  But then I heard a voice, Tomoyo-chan."   She stole a glance at me before she continued.  I wasn't sure what my expression was telling her, but I was glad that I wasn't betraying my thoughts.  Not yet.  I wasn't ready. 

She continued, "It was yours, Tomoyo-chan.  I tried to find it.  I walked everywhere but I couldn't even tell if I was moving.  But then, I had turned around and there you were.  You were curled up on the floor and," her voice began to break, "and, you were… you were… "

"What was I doing, Sakura-chan?" I prompted.

"You were crying, Tomoyo-chan," she managed to get out as she let out a sob.  I saw the tears dripping from her eyes and I felt a sharp pain in my heart.  My dear Sakura-chan was crying, but this time I hadn't the strength to comfort her.  She sobbed once more, hastily wiped her eyes with her hands, and continued.

"I was getting closer and closer to you, and the closer I got, I began to notice that I could see myself again.  When I came to you, I could see myself clearly."  She looked pointedly at me and said, "I was whole again."  Her voice began to show signs of faltering.  "You wouldn't even look at me.  I knelt next to you and wrapped my arms around you and I asked you, 'Tomoyo-chan, why are you crying?  Why are you so sad?  I'm here, I'm with you, please tell me, please don't cry anymore.'"  It was a task for her not to collapse into tears as she continued to relate the dream to me.  It was hurting her so much to remember this.  She wasn't weeping at the memory, I thought.  She was weeping for the apparition of me she saw in her mind.  She hadn't been real, but it seemed Sakura couldn't stand to see even dreams cry.  The realization clutched my heart tightly, and I closed my eyes tightly for a second to will the train of thought away.  No, I had to be strong.  I still had work to do.  I mustn't be distracted.

Sakura continued, "For a while, you wouldn't talk to me.  I just held you in my arms."  She fidgeted a little before continuing.  "You eventually stopped crying and you looked at me.  You looked so sad, Tomoyo-chan.  It was so awful."

I almost didn't stop myself from apologizing to her for acting that way.  It was silly that there I was thinking that the Tomoyo in her dream was real, too. 

"I asked you again, 'What's wrong, Tomoyo-chan?'" Sakura paused for a moment.  I tensed a little.  "You said, 'One day, Sakura-chan, you will be gone, far away, and you won't be with me anymore.  I won't know what to do.  Please don't leave me, Sakura-chan.'" She looked at me with quivering eyes.  "'Please don't leave me.'"  Sakura lowered her gaze.  "It was then that I woke up."

Before I could even respond she clasped my hand with both of hers and urgently proclaimed, "I would never leave you Tomoyo-chan!  I swear I will never leave you!  You, you're always there for me.  Always!  Whenever I need someone to talk to, whenever I need a shoulder to cry on, you're there.  You do so much for me.  You make all of those beautiful costumes for me.  You're always there cheering me on when I'm going after a Card.  You're always there for me.  But after the dream, I thought, 'Would I always be there for you?'"  She squeezed my hand with hers.  "That's when I realized that there was one thing I could do to make sure that I would."

She smiled as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.  "I would tell you that I'm in love you.  I would tell you that I love you because I know that I do."  Her features became hazy, and her smile became wistful.  "And if we love each other, then we could be together forever."  Then, she gazed deeply into my eyes.  She then waited for my response. 

My lungs were working fine, but I felt like I could no longer breathe.  Did Sakura even realize what she was saying?  She couldn't!  What did she think she was doing saying something like that?  It wasn't to me that she was supposed to be saying that!  It should not be me!  With that, the coil of anxiety released all of the energy it had stored and hit me hard with a rush of adrenaline.  It was time.  This was what I was dreading.  It was time for me to correct the error in Sakura's judgment. 

It was time for me to hurt Sakura.

But I wasn't ready.  I didn't know what to say.  I just sat there returning her gaze.  I don't know how long it was, but the longer the silence lasted, the more Sakura's mood shifted.  She had said what she had needed to say, so the ball was now in my court, as it were.  But I wasn't sending it back fast enough.  The look on her face transitioned from anxious waiting to knowing dread.  Without even knowing it, I had telegraphed my answer to Sakura.  The one I was too afraid but obligated to give.  The look on her face told the story of someone who had made the biggest gamble in her life… and lost.

I heard her intake of breath.  I steeled myself.

"Tomoyo-chan… don't you love me?"

"Sakura-chan, I, I…"

"Tomoyo-chan, don't you love me?" she repeated.  "It seems that everything you do, you do it for me!  Only me!  You're always saying how cute I am or how beautiful I am or how strong I am!"

"But Sakura-chan," I responded, "you are all of those things—"

"You're always filming me with that camera of yours!" she continued as if I hadn't spoken.  "Me!  Whenever I'm capturing Cards or whenever we're at the festivals or even when there isn't even anything special going on, you're always filming me!  Just me!  And, you insist on being with me even when it's dangerous and you could get hurt.  You put yourself in danger because of me!"  She waited a beat, and then finished with, "Why, Tomoyo-chan?  Why?"

The words came from my mouth unbidden like an instinctive reflex.  It was the only answer I could give.  "You're my best friend, Sakura-chan, and you are so very dear to me."  She winced when I said friend.  "Yes, I do those things because I love you, Sakura-chan, but surely you realize that the love you speak of is completely different."

"Different?  How is it different, Tomoyo-chan?" Still clutching my hand in both of hers she pulled it to her heart.  "I love you.  I feel it in my heart.  I can feel it beating… beating for you and only you."  She manipulated my hand so that it was pressed flat to her chest.  I felt the rhythmic pulsing and was nearly moved to tears.  She was letting me experience something so intimate and personal to her.  I was feeling the pulse of her own life.  Though the day had its share of bad memories, I would treasure the sensation of her heartbeat in my hand until the end of time. 

"Please tell me, why is it so different?" she asked again.

"Sakura," I began calmly when I recovered, "I can tell that these feelings you have for me are very strong.  I am honored that you treasure my friendship so much.  But you must trust me when I say that you're not yet ready to pledge your whole life to one person.  Especially me."  As I was saying this, I could see that each word was crushing the little hope she had left.  It hurt, but I continued.  "When you find the person with which you're ready to spend your entire life, that is when you should make that pledge."
"But—"

"You have your whole life in front of you, Sakura-chan," I interrupted her.  "There is still so much you will see and feel and do.  Someday, you will be ready."

My words were not reaching her.  A single tear trickled down her cheek to join the ones that had fallen before. 

"Don't you love me, Tomoyo-chan?" It was with a begging voice that she asked it for the last time.

I sighed softly.  "Sakura-chan, I love you dearly, but forgive me, it is not in the way you mean."

Time stood still for a moment.  I held my breath.  I had absolutely no idea how Sakura was going to react. 

She reacted by angrily casting aside my hand on her chest and saying two unexpected words.

"You lie!!"

My eyes went wide.  "What?" I replied hoarsely.

Sakura's face wore an expression I had never seen before and never wished to see again.  It was the look of disappointment, regret, and sheer and utter betrayal all mixed into a mask of anger and sadness.  I was horrified. 

"How could you say that?" she demanded.  "How could you?"

"Sakura-chan," I tried to reply, "I'm so sorry—"

"But you said you did!"

What?  I had told her that I had loved her "that way"?  When in heaven's name had I done that?  In a mad dash through my mind I searched all memories I had of my best friend.

"Don't you remember?  At the school sports festival so long ago?  Don't you remember, Tomoyo?"

I was caught flat-footed.  She and I attended things like that all the time.  Which one was she talking about?

"We were talking about our mothers, and how your mother loved mine so much."

It clicked.  The memories of that day were then laid out before me.  I remembered that it had been a very special day, but what was Sakura talking about?  When did I…

No.

"You said you liked me."

No.  It couldn't be.

"I said I liked you too, but then you said something strange.  I don't remember the exact words, but I remembered what they meant.  You said I didn't mean 'like' the way I meant it.'"

"I thought you hadn't heard me," I responded mechanically.

"I acted like I didn't hear you," she replied with a hint of accusation in her voice.  "I didn't know how to answer you.  But do you remember what you told me next?"

I felt like I was on the witness stand in a court of law.  I was under oath, and I was asked to admit something that would prove that I was, beyond a shadow of a doubt, guilty.

"What did you tell me, Tomoyo?" demanded Sakura.

I looked straight into her eyes and said, "'I'd tell you when you were older.'"

Sakura simply looked back at me with moist, burning eyes; their gaze pierced deep into my very soul. 

What had I done? 

"I thought I understood what you meant, Tomoyo," said Sakura with a heavy voice.  "I thought I was old enough now.  I thought I was ready to understand.  Are you telling me that I'm still not old enough to understand my feelings?  Your feelings?  Is that it?"

"No, Sakura—"
"Then what did you mean?"

It was a mistake I had never realized I had made, and it had been a costly one.  Sakura had dredged a distant memory from the past and misinterpreted it completely.  So that was it.  That was why we were having this discussion.  I understood.  Understanding, however, didn't make me feel any better.

"Please, Sakura," I tried to explain, "I meant that I would be your friend forever and I would be by your side for as long as you needed me to be.  But I can't be the one to give you what you're asking from me."

"Why, Tomoyo?  That is what I'm asking of you!  I'm asking you to be with me forever!"

I took a breath and composed my thoughts.  "The way you mean it is meant for someone else.  It is meant for the person whom you will marry someday, begin a family, and grow old together."

It was over.  I saw defeat in her eyes.  She rose to her feet and looked down upon me.  I had betrayed her.  I had taken what she had given me and crumpled it up like garbage.

I had hurt her. 

She turned and ran into the forest.  I didn't look after her.  I heard two anguished cries, "RELEASE!" and then "FLY!"  Then there was total silence.

The next time I was aware of my surroundings, the sun was making its early afternoon descent.  I felt a presence nearby and I turned to see mom's bodyguard waiting patiently for me to notice her.

"Miss, are you all right?  Where is Miss Kinomoto?" she asked.  After she studied my expression for a moment, she decided not to press the point.  "Miss, do you wish to return home?"  I could not speak, so I simply nodded.

It had been my fault.  I was the one who did this.  I was the one who destroyed our friendship.

I was the one who broke the heart of Sakura Kinomoto.

Masaka.