Darling Readers
I know, I know, that was a reeeeeeeeeally long two weeks. So sue me. No, on second thought, don't. I've been very busy (planning and plotting) and have come up with a tentative story line for the next satire. Yes, there will be another! *Waits patiently for the cheers to subside* But I won't ruin the surprise by telling you anything. Anyway, that's on the way, among other short things that are running around in my head. I think that I'm done for now, but I know that many of you mockers will appreciate this chapter, appropriately titled 'Closets, Closeness and The Vanishing Pants'.
-authors anonymous
p.s. Jess has a VERY disturbing message. It's so disturbing that he has asked me to tell you, as he is currently sobbing in his dressing room. Okay, so I'm pretty sure that my source is accurate (the aforementioned hoodlum) and there is going to be a Jess spin off. That's right. Next season, Jess will be leaving Gilmore Girls, and getting his own show. Or something like that. It was pretty hard prying it out of a hysterical Jess. I'll keep you posted as his condition improves.
---
Rory wandered aimlessly through the Inn. It was a weekend, as it usually was in FanFic land, and Rory had been wandering aimlessly for the entire morning. This was rather surprising actually, considering that she had so much homework it wasn't even funny. Not funny at all. I swear. Not even a bit.
But was Rory at home, reading an enormously thick book like the good girl she (usually) was portrayed as? No. Was she on the phone with Lane, endlessly giggling over Dave and Jess/Dean/Tristan? No. Was she arguing about Hemmingway with Jess? No. Was she begging Luke for coffee? No. Was she cleaning the living room? No. Was she eating a bag of M&M's and contemplating the meaning of life? No. Was she thinking about Tristan? No. Was she thinking about Physics? No. Was she dreaming about running her hands over [insert object of desire here]'s oh-so-rock-hard abs? No. Was she...well, you get the point. You know what, just pretend that this paragraph never happened, and keep reading.
Rory wandered aimlessly through the Inn. "Mom!" Rory whined, startling a couple that was checking in. Rory pouted, and looked around. "Mom?"
As Rory looked from side to side, she noticed a slightly ajar door. "Hmmm..." Rory said aloud, and walked towards it. "I wonder if Mom's in hereeeeeeeeeeeeeeee-" Rory screamed ("AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH")
[AN: For those of you who can't imagine Rory screaming without it being typed out extensively...]
as she was sucked into...A CLOSET! (dun dun dun)
---
Rory felt the yell of indignation die from her throat, as she was flung down mercilessly onto the floor. Rory whimpered. As her eyes adjusted to the darkness, Rory realized something she should have realized something a long time ago. And no, unfortunately it wasn't that Tristan had left the show a season and a half ago. This is what she realized: She, Rory Gilmore, was LOCKED IN A CLOSET! (dun dun dun)
---
"What to do, what to do?" thought Rory, as she balled her fists angrily. "Why do this things ALWAYS happen to ME? Why?" Rory scanned the closet, and sighed with relief when she saw the dangling light chain. Rory pulled it savagely, and the light bulb hummed menacingly, but turned on.
"I could scream..." Rory said thoughtfully, "...nah, too easy. Oh, I could use that handy dandy Morse code that I learned in girl scouts, even though I would have never ever gone to girl scouts, so I don't know what THAT writer was thinking..." Rory pondered. "I guess I could try opening the door, that might work...oh, but what if I hurt my wrist? Oh, what's the use? I guess I'll just have to be portrayed (again) as a simpering useless waste of oxygen. Oh well." Rory paced the small confines, up-down-up-down- up-down-up-down. She twiddled her thumbs. She sighed loudly. She paced. She twiddled. She sighed. She paced. She twiddled. She sighed. "This sucks!" Rory ejaculated angrily, and pouted at nothing at particular.
Just then, the door burst open and Rune flung himself in, slamming the door behind him.
---
"Ahh!" Rory shrieked, and covered her eyes hastily. "Do you mind?"
"No, not at all," Rune panted.
"Rune...?" Rory asked after a few moments of listening to the short man gasp for air.
"Yeah?"
"Why aren't you wearing any pants?"
"They disappeared!" Rune replied angrily, as he started a series of stretches.
"Stop that!" Rory demanded, still shielding her eyes.
"Stop what?"
"Stretching!"
"Your eyes are closed."
"I can hear you!"
"Look, when a man runs, he needs to stretch. Otherwise my calves will tense up and-"
"Just...leave! Please?" Rory tacked on hastily. She didn't want to forget her manners.
"Look, Lorelai Jr., do you think that I would take the trouble of running all the way over here if I intended to leave?" Rune mumbled something about Lorelai, and was much too unpleasant to bother recording here. "I can't anyway."
"Why not?" demanded Rory, forgetting that the reason she was in the closet was that she was locked in.
"Have you seen what I'm wearing?"
"For a few unpleasant moments, yes."
"Do you blame me?"
"Rune, what happened to your pants?" Rory asked.
"They disappeared."
"Did someone take them?"
"No! They just disappeared. One minute I'm wearing them, and then the next minute, 'hello!'"
"Could you find another closet at least? I found this one first."
"No you didn't."
"Yes I did."
"No you didn't."
"Yes I did."
"No you didn't."
"This isn't getting us anywhere. And yes, I did."
"Lousy boss's daughter. Thinks she owns the place..." Rune muttered, none too quietly.
"Rune, this isn't appropriate. I NEED you to wear some pants."
"Just wait till Chapter 25..." Rune replied, still muttering.
"Rune!" Rory yelled.
"Fine, fine. Hold your horses." Rune finished a few more stretches and pulled down a pair of pants from the top shelf. ("Just in case of emergencies like this," he later explained to Rory.)
Rory opened her eyes warily and sat down, with Rune in the opposite corner.
"So..."
---
Tristan (the savior of the week) was lying on his bed, daydreaming of his one true love, Rory Gilmore.
[AN: Naked or not is up to you...]
Rory Gilmore. The Magnificent Rory Gilmore. Tristan sighed, and daydreamed a bit more about his betrothed.
-The next twelve hundred and sixty four pages have been omitted due to content, length, and boring the hell out of the readers who even remember what Tristan looks like. So there. -
Ahh...his own Lorelai Leigh Gilmore. Tristan started to sigh for the umpteenth time, but bolted upright. "What the hell?" Tristan said, "since when has Rory ever been Lorelai Leigh?" Tristan pulled on a sweater and run his fingers though his hair (to make sure that it was properly mussed up, duh!) before grabbing his keys and swearing to find the real truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
---
"Stop staring at me!" Rory demanded, irrationally, considering the size of the closet and what she looked like when she was mad. Or sad. Or tired. Or anything. She was pretty damn cute.
"What else do you want me to stare at?" Rune said, stating my previous point exactly.
"Anything. Just...not at me."
"How long have you been here?" asked Rune a minute later.
Rory looked at her watch. "Forty-nine minutes."
"No, not here stupid. In Stars Hollow."
"Uh, my whole life."
"How long is that?"
Rory wrinkled her brow. "I'm not sure. Most likely I'm 18, but then some writers seem convinced that I'm 17. And when Dean breaks up with me and accuses me of sleeping with Jess, he always insinuates that I'll be just like my mother, who was 16. It's very confusing."
"Yu-huh." Rune said, clearly unimpressed.
"What about you?"
"What about me what?"
"How long have you been in Stars Hollow?"
Rune snorted. "Too long."
Rory sighed.
---
Tristan knocked loudly. "Rory?" he called. When he finally realized that no one was home, Tristan sat dejectedly on the front steps.
"Hey, suga'!"
Tristan looked up at the short blond woman waving at him. "Yeah?" he answered, a bit uncertainly.
"The girls ain't home. Try the Inn."
"Oh, thank you."
[AN: Thank goodness for Babette!]
Tristan stood up, brushed off his pants and strolled towards the Independence Inn.
---
"Rune, please stop humming..." Rory said through clenched teeth.
"Uh...no."
"Ughhhh!"
---
"Excuse me?" Tristan said, and rang the bell at the front desk. As if bidden from the great unknown, Michel rose from the depths of the floor.
"Why?" he asked, very French and very pissed off, "Why must you ring the bell when I am right here?"
"I didn't see you."
"Did it ever occur to you to use your eyes?" Michel challenged, and sniffed.
"Look, is Rory here?"
"The offspring? Yes, she is."
"Any idea where?" asked Tristan, getting annoyed.
"Hmmm...no. Sorry."
"Sure you are..." Tristan muttered, and walked away.
---
"Rune, I swear to god-"
"I will only love youuuuuuuuuuuuu......" Rune sang, and held his hands out for effect.
Rory banged her head against the wall. Repeatedly.
---
"Lorelai!" Tristan called out, glad to see a familiar face in such a hostile environment.
"Tristan! What are you doing here?" asked Lorelai suspiciously.
"I'm looking for Rory. Any idea where she is?"
"Uh, try the closet (dun dun dun) down the hall."
---
"So, let me get this straight. He kissed you AFTER you stole something from the store?"
"For the last time, yes."
"Hmm. Now, did you ever pay for it?"
---
Tristan saw the closet (dun dun dun) and grasped the doorknob. Yet he hesitated. Who knew what answers lay in the closet (dun dun dun)? Who knew what that horrible noise was? It sounded like a wounded animal. Finally, Tristan took his life into his hands, and pulled open the door.
---
Rory and Rune stopped bickering and looked into the light. Rory had known it all along. She had died, and an angel had come down to take her to heaven. No such luck. It was Tristan, and he was so happy to see her that he accidentally let the door close.
"Tristan!" Rory cried out, and flung herself at the door.
"Rory!" Tristan said, thinking that she was happy to see him, which under normal circumstances, she would have been.
Rune sighed. "Come join us. Did you bring dip?"
"Dip?" Tristan asked, sitting next to Rory.
Rory didn't give Rune a chance to clarify. "Tristan, I have some bad news. We're trapped. In a closet (dun dun dun)."
"What was that?" asked Rune.
"Really?" Tristan said, and wiggled his eyebrows at Rory provocatively. "I can think of worse things."
"Then being stuck in a closet (dun dun dun)?"
"There it was again!" Rune cried out, and covered his ears.
"At least it's fairly roomy," Tristan said, ignoring the shaking man, "well, for a closet (dun dun dun) that is."
"Ahhh! Make it stop! Make it stop!"
"Make what stop?" Rory asked.
"That sound!"
"Can we ignore him now and get back to us?" Tristan asked Rory.
"You're right. This doesn't happen very often, so I guess we need to take advantage of our closet-(dun dun dun)-ed state, right?"
"Ahhhhh!"
"Definitely. But how can I seduce you with Rune wailing in the corner?"
"Rune, do you think you could...?" Rory asked hopefully.
Rune stood up. "Yeah, sure."
Tristan and Rory waited until Rune had left and then returned to each other.
---
A few hours later, Tristan and Rory got to the good stuff.
"Rory, I have something very important to tell you..." Tristan confided.
"Oh Tristan, I have something to tell you too."
"Okay, you go first."
"No, you first."
"No, you first."
This continued for several more lines, until:
"Rory!" Lorelai cried, and flung herself at her daughter. "I've been so worried about you!"
"Mom? How long have I been in here?" asked Rory, dazed and confused. Tristan wasn't much better himself.
"Oh, days! Weeks! Months! Yea-"
"We get the point," Rory said dryly. "Tristan, do you want to get some coffee?"
"Uh, yeah. Sure."
Too bad for the Trory readers. The confession would have to wait.
---
I FINISHED! I've been typing this for hours and hours and hours, you have no idea. I hope it was slightly amusing to read. With any luck I'll get a few reviews of encouragement and I'll slog on to Chapter 24...that is already planned out by the way. God I'm good.
I know, I know, that was a reeeeeeeeeally long two weeks. So sue me. No, on second thought, don't. I've been very busy (planning and plotting) and have come up with a tentative story line for the next satire. Yes, there will be another! *Waits patiently for the cheers to subside* But I won't ruin the surprise by telling you anything. Anyway, that's on the way, among other short things that are running around in my head. I think that I'm done for now, but I know that many of you mockers will appreciate this chapter, appropriately titled 'Closets, Closeness and The Vanishing Pants'.
-authors anonymous
p.s. Jess has a VERY disturbing message. It's so disturbing that he has asked me to tell you, as he is currently sobbing in his dressing room. Okay, so I'm pretty sure that my source is accurate (the aforementioned hoodlum) and there is going to be a Jess spin off. That's right. Next season, Jess will be leaving Gilmore Girls, and getting his own show. Or something like that. It was pretty hard prying it out of a hysterical Jess. I'll keep you posted as his condition improves.
---
Rory wandered aimlessly through the Inn. It was a weekend, as it usually was in FanFic land, and Rory had been wandering aimlessly for the entire morning. This was rather surprising actually, considering that she had so much homework it wasn't even funny. Not funny at all. I swear. Not even a bit.
But was Rory at home, reading an enormously thick book like the good girl she (usually) was portrayed as? No. Was she on the phone with Lane, endlessly giggling over Dave and Jess/Dean/Tristan? No. Was she arguing about Hemmingway with Jess? No. Was she begging Luke for coffee? No. Was she cleaning the living room? No. Was she eating a bag of M&M's and contemplating the meaning of life? No. Was she thinking about Tristan? No. Was she thinking about Physics? No. Was she dreaming about running her hands over [insert object of desire here]'s oh-so-rock-hard abs? No. Was she...well, you get the point. You know what, just pretend that this paragraph never happened, and keep reading.
Rory wandered aimlessly through the Inn. "Mom!" Rory whined, startling a couple that was checking in. Rory pouted, and looked around. "Mom?"
As Rory looked from side to side, she noticed a slightly ajar door. "Hmmm..." Rory said aloud, and walked towards it. "I wonder if Mom's in hereeeeeeeeeeeeeeee-" Rory screamed ("AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH")
[AN: For those of you who can't imagine Rory screaming without it being typed out extensively...]
as she was sucked into...A CLOSET! (dun dun dun)
---
Rory felt the yell of indignation die from her throat, as she was flung down mercilessly onto the floor. Rory whimpered. As her eyes adjusted to the darkness, Rory realized something she should have realized something a long time ago. And no, unfortunately it wasn't that Tristan had left the show a season and a half ago. This is what she realized: She, Rory Gilmore, was LOCKED IN A CLOSET! (dun dun dun)
---
"What to do, what to do?" thought Rory, as she balled her fists angrily. "Why do this things ALWAYS happen to ME? Why?" Rory scanned the closet, and sighed with relief when she saw the dangling light chain. Rory pulled it savagely, and the light bulb hummed menacingly, but turned on.
"I could scream..." Rory said thoughtfully, "...nah, too easy. Oh, I could use that handy dandy Morse code that I learned in girl scouts, even though I would have never ever gone to girl scouts, so I don't know what THAT writer was thinking..." Rory pondered. "I guess I could try opening the door, that might work...oh, but what if I hurt my wrist? Oh, what's the use? I guess I'll just have to be portrayed (again) as a simpering useless waste of oxygen. Oh well." Rory paced the small confines, up-down-up-down- up-down-up-down. She twiddled her thumbs. She sighed loudly. She paced. She twiddled. She sighed. She paced. She twiddled. She sighed. "This sucks!" Rory ejaculated angrily, and pouted at nothing at particular.
Just then, the door burst open and Rune flung himself in, slamming the door behind him.
---
"Ahh!" Rory shrieked, and covered her eyes hastily. "Do you mind?"
"No, not at all," Rune panted.
"Rune...?" Rory asked after a few moments of listening to the short man gasp for air.
"Yeah?"
"Why aren't you wearing any pants?"
"They disappeared!" Rune replied angrily, as he started a series of stretches.
"Stop that!" Rory demanded, still shielding her eyes.
"Stop what?"
"Stretching!"
"Your eyes are closed."
"I can hear you!"
"Look, when a man runs, he needs to stretch. Otherwise my calves will tense up and-"
"Just...leave! Please?" Rory tacked on hastily. She didn't want to forget her manners.
"Look, Lorelai Jr., do you think that I would take the trouble of running all the way over here if I intended to leave?" Rune mumbled something about Lorelai, and was much too unpleasant to bother recording here. "I can't anyway."
"Why not?" demanded Rory, forgetting that the reason she was in the closet was that she was locked in.
"Have you seen what I'm wearing?"
"For a few unpleasant moments, yes."
"Do you blame me?"
"Rune, what happened to your pants?" Rory asked.
"They disappeared."
"Did someone take them?"
"No! They just disappeared. One minute I'm wearing them, and then the next minute, 'hello!'"
"Could you find another closet at least? I found this one first."
"No you didn't."
"Yes I did."
"No you didn't."
"Yes I did."
"No you didn't."
"This isn't getting us anywhere. And yes, I did."
"Lousy boss's daughter. Thinks she owns the place..." Rune muttered, none too quietly.
"Rune, this isn't appropriate. I NEED you to wear some pants."
"Just wait till Chapter 25..." Rune replied, still muttering.
"Rune!" Rory yelled.
"Fine, fine. Hold your horses." Rune finished a few more stretches and pulled down a pair of pants from the top shelf. ("Just in case of emergencies like this," he later explained to Rory.)
Rory opened her eyes warily and sat down, with Rune in the opposite corner.
"So..."
---
Tristan (the savior of the week) was lying on his bed, daydreaming of his one true love, Rory Gilmore.
[AN: Naked or not is up to you...]
Rory Gilmore. The Magnificent Rory Gilmore. Tristan sighed, and daydreamed a bit more about his betrothed.
-The next twelve hundred and sixty four pages have been omitted due to content, length, and boring the hell out of the readers who even remember what Tristan looks like. So there. -
Ahh...his own Lorelai Leigh Gilmore. Tristan started to sigh for the umpteenth time, but bolted upright. "What the hell?" Tristan said, "since when has Rory ever been Lorelai Leigh?" Tristan pulled on a sweater and run his fingers though his hair (to make sure that it was properly mussed up, duh!) before grabbing his keys and swearing to find the real truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
---
"Stop staring at me!" Rory demanded, irrationally, considering the size of the closet and what she looked like when she was mad. Or sad. Or tired. Or anything. She was pretty damn cute.
"What else do you want me to stare at?" Rune said, stating my previous point exactly.
"Anything. Just...not at me."
"How long have you been here?" asked Rune a minute later.
Rory looked at her watch. "Forty-nine minutes."
"No, not here stupid. In Stars Hollow."
"Uh, my whole life."
"How long is that?"
Rory wrinkled her brow. "I'm not sure. Most likely I'm 18, but then some writers seem convinced that I'm 17. And when Dean breaks up with me and accuses me of sleeping with Jess, he always insinuates that I'll be just like my mother, who was 16. It's very confusing."
"Yu-huh." Rune said, clearly unimpressed.
"What about you?"
"What about me what?"
"How long have you been in Stars Hollow?"
Rune snorted. "Too long."
Rory sighed.
---
Tristan knocked loudly. "Rory?" he called. When he finally realized that no one was home, Tristan sat dejectedly on the front steps.
"Hey, suga'!"
Tristan looked up at the short blond woman waving at him. "Yeah?" he answered, a bit uncertainly.
"The girls ain't home. Try the Inn."
"Oh, thank you."
[AN: Thank goodness for Babette!]
Tristan stood up, brushed off his pants and strolled towards the Independence Inn.
---
"Rune, please stop humming..." Rory said through clenched teeth.
"Uh...no."
"Ughhhh!"
---
"Excuse me?" Tristan said, and rang the bell at the front desk. As if bidden from the great unknown, Michel rose from the depths of the floor.
"Why?" he asked, very French and very pissed off, "Why must you ring the bell when I am right here?"
"I didn't see you."
"Did it ever occur to you to use your eyes?" Michel challenged, and sniffed.
"Look, is Rory here?"
"The offspring? Yes, she is."
"Any idea where?" asked Tristan, getting annoyed.
"Hmmm...no. Sorry."
"Sure you are..." Tristan muttered, and walked away.
---
"Rune, I swear to god-"
"I will only love youuuuuuuuuuuuu......" Rune sang, and held his hands out for effect.
Rory banged her head against the wall. Repeatedly.
---
"Lorelai!" Tristan called out, glad to see a familiar face in such a hostile environment.
"Tristan! What are you doing here?" asked Lorelai suspiciously.
"I'm looking for Rory. Any idea where she is?"
"Uh, try the closet (dun dun dun) down the hall."
---
"So, let me get this straight. He kissed you AFTER you stole something from the store?"
"For the last time, yes."
"Hmm. Now, did you ever pay for it?"
---
Tristan saw the closet (dun dun dun) and grasped the doorknob. Yet he hesitated. Who knew what answers lay in the closet (dun dun dun)? Who knew what that horrible noise was? It sounded like a wounded animal. Finally, Tristan took his life into his hands, and pulled open the door.
---
Rory and Rune stopped bickering and looked into the light. Rory had known it all along. She had died, and an angel had come down to take her to heaven. No such luck. It was Tristan, and he was so happy to see her that he accidentally let the door close.
"Tristan!" Rory cried out, and flung herself at the door.
"Rory!" Tristan said, thinking that she was happy to see him, which under normal circumstances, she would have been.
Rune sighed. "Come join us. Did you bring dip?"
"Dip?" Tristan asked, sitting next to Rory.
Rory didn't give Rune a chance to clarify. "Tristan, I have some bad news. We're trapped. In a closet (dun dun dun)."
"What was that?" asked Rune.
"Really?" Tristan said, and wiggled his eyebrows at Rory provocatively. "I can think of worse things."
"Then being stuck in a closet (dun dun dun)?"
"There it was again!" Rune cried out, and covered his ears.
"At least it's fairly roomy," Tristan said, ignoring the shaking man, "well, for a closet (dun dun dun) that is."
"Ahhh! Make it stop! Make it stop!"
"Make what stop?" Rory asked.
"That sound!"
"Can we ignore him now and get back to us?" Tristan asked Rory.
"You're right. This doesn't happen very often, so I guess we need to take advantage of our closet-(dun dun dun)-ed state, right?"
"Ahhhhh!"
"Definitely. But how can I seduce you with Rune wailing in the corner?"
"Rune, do you think you could...?" Rory asked hopefully.
Rune stood up. "Yeah, sure."
Tristan and Rory waited until Rune had left and then returned to each other.
---
A few hours later, Tristan and Rory got to the good stuff.
"Rory, I have something very important to tell you..." Tristan confided.
"Oh Tristan, I have something to tell you too."
"Okay, you go first."
"No, you first."
"No, you first."
This continued for several more lines, until:
"Rory!" Lorelai cried, and flung herself at her daughter. "I've been so worried about you!"
"Mom? How long have I been in here?" asked Rory, dazed and confused. Tristan wasn't much better himself.
"Oh, days! Weeks! Months! Yea-"
"We get the point," Rory said dryly. "Tristan, do you want to get some coffee?"
"Uh, yeah. Sure."
Too bad for the Trory readers. The confession would have to wait.
---
I FINISHED! I've been typing this for hours and hours and hours, you have no idea. I hope it was slightly amusing to read. With any luck I'll get a few reviews of encouragement and I'll slog on to Chapter 24...that is already planned out by the way. God I'm good.