Disclaimer: I own nothing.
Author's note: This chapter is rather controversial, I would suppose, for some sexual content. If you don't like that, then don't read it. Don't flame me.
Dream Catcher: Thanks for reading, I know you didn't want to.
Darragh Tieranaeux: Thank you. The twins were supposed to be quite opposites, one so strong and stubborn and the other highly emotional. Seriously, thank you for reading.
Hrefna: Wow! You liked it! Yay! Thanks! Sorry it took so long to get this one up. So there are cats in Middle Earth, thanks. Evil cats, it seems! Thanks again.
"Something so beautiful it hurts deep inside,
But I will love you till the day that I die."
~Garbage
*****
Elladan's eyelids fluttered softly open. His brother, Elrohir, still lay in his arms. A smile played over Elladan's face. He knew he loved Elrohir, loved him the way their Ada was opposed to. That kind of love, he had always believed, was a strong thing, and always mutual. He did not understand Elrohir's tendency to draw away from him. It almost felt good, having a secret from their parents. All their lives they had kept small secrets, for example the time when Elladan wanted snow so badly he threw a ball of mud at Glorfindel. Elladan wanted to talk about all their secrets, but Elrohir looked so sweet and peaceful in his sleep that Elladan could not bear to wake him.
"Hmm. . .Elladan! Why did you not wake me?" Elrohir practically jumped out of his brother's arms, sitting bolt upright. "How long have you been awake?"
"Maybe an hour," Elladan answered lazily, sitting up himself. "I would have woken you, but you looked so serene I had not the heart," he explained, stretching his arms out.
"Oh, Eru. . .oh, Eru, what have I done. . ." Elrohir muttered, rocking back and forth. It was not possible that he had done that, disobeyed his Ada and done the one thing that disgusted him beyond any conception. He wanted to peel off a layer of his own skin and be sick.
"Elrohir, this is right." Elladan sat beside his twin. "How could anything feel so right and be so wrong?"
"No, no I. . .it feels so wrong, though, Elladan," Elrohir argued, on the verge of tears.
"When does it feel wrong?" Elladan asked gently. On a whim he reached out and tenderly caressed Elrohir's cheek. Elrohir did not pull away from him.
"It never feel wrong around you, but. . .it feels so bad. . .so dirty. . .when I think about it."
"You are not meant to think about it," Elladan said, "you live it." And he kissed Elrohir again, meaning every second of it. Elrohir was jolted with the shock of the kiss, then he felt the comfort of it, and he submitted. Elladan drew softly away. "Do you want to go further?" he asked quietly, suggestive but not pressing.
Elrohir was for a second indecisive. It felt right around Elladan, but later it would not feel right. He let his heart think for him, with the feeling that it would rip free of his chest, and the feeling that it would ache if he said no. "Yes," he whispered, wondering what Elladan was going to do. Unsure of what to do himself, he awkwardly brought his lips to Elladan's.
During the kiss Elrohir felt Elladan's hand on his chest, moving towards his leggings. Elrohir was unsure if he felt comfortable with what was going on. It was not so much what Elladan was doing as it was the feelings it brought out in Elrohir. He wanted it, he knew he did, that was certain now. His chest heaved with pleasure. The strange new feeling came from where Elladan's hand was reaching, and it was a feeling of longing and desire, long asleep now awakened ten times as strong. It was not a desire he could deny.
Elrohir was surprised to realize that the moans of pleasure were really his own. Was what he was doing right? What if Ada found out? Should he stop now--"Don't think." It was Elladan's whisper through kisses. Elrohir stopped his thoughts and just lived, lived the moment.
Elladan knew his lover had remembered to stop thinking, and he was glad. It was good, what they were doing, these feelings so strong as anything, strong than everything else together. His hand slipped inside Elrohir's leggings. This was it. This was final, farther than either one had ever been. It felt so good, like a giant bubble of pleasure welling up inside of Elladan.
"Elrohir! Elladan!"
The two quickly pushed away from each other. Elladan pulled his hand away, hoping it had gone unnoticed. Elrohir felt his happiness slip away from him, replaced by shame. Elladan felt only anger. "Ada. . ." Elrohir began.
"Save it. You will stay in your rooms today, and think about what you have to say. I will see you both in my study, first thing tomorrow morning."
Elladan's breath was heavy with anger. What right of his to break them apart? What arrogance to think himself strong than this, than love? He sat still, afraid of what he might do or say if he moved.
"Elladan? Go to your room, now."
He stood and walked out of the room, head held high. His steps never wavered in their pride. Elrohir wished he could feel so proud, so sure of anything. He heard Elladan's door slam, then his own door close. His head remained bowed so he would not have to see the look of disappointment and disgust on his Ada's face.
*****
Elrohir wanted to be like Elladan. He wanted undeterred confidence and such sureness of self. He wanted to sit in his room feeling angry and right. He did not want to sit in his room on his bed, staring at the wall, tears running down his cheeks and an ache in his stomach like he wanted to throw up.
As the tears fell silently, Elrohir got to thinking about things. What about Arwen? What would his parents tell her? Would she understand? Even though she was annoying at times, Elrohir loved Arwen--brotherly love-- and he did not want her to look at him in disgust. Maybe she would understand, maybe it would all be all right after all.
Maybe Ada would understand.
*****
Elladan was sitting on his bed also, fuming. He was in love, he knew it. No one had the right to take that away from him. No one would. "I will love him no matter what," Elladan pledged to himself, "no matter who is angered by it, no matter who scorns it. I love him and so be it ever."
No tears, no regrets. Elladan stood and strode to the window, staring out at the white snow. Two figures were as well outside, one smaller and one bigger. They were laughing happily. Elladan watched as they played in the snow, his mother and his sister.
*****
Celebrian's sharp eye caught sight of Elladan watching her, a smile on his face, and she waved to him. He waved back. "Look, Arwen, there's Elladan. Aren't you going to wave to him?"
"Good morrow, Elladan!" Arwen shouted, cupping her hands around her mouth. She smiled and waved with her whole arm. Elladan laughed and waved back, calling something the two could not hear. Arwen scooped up some snow and hurled it at Elladan's window. It hit right in front of his face and he laughed, opening the window to clean off the snow.
"Oh, Wennie, go bother Elrohir for a while!" Elladan called, employing one of Arwen's nicknames. She stuck out her tongue at him, but turned to Elrohir's window and called out his name. Elrohir came to the window, opening it slightly.
"Good morrow, Elrohir!" Arwen called, again cupping her hands. Again she waved maniacally. Elrohir smiled sadly and waved back. "Come outside and play," she implored.
"No, thank you," Elrohir replied, "but throw a few snowballs at Glorfindel for me!" Celebrian paused, seeing the confusion and sorrow in her son's eyes. She straightened and dropped the snow in her hands. Elrond knew, somehow. She was sure of it.
"Arwen, let's go inside now," Celebrian said, shepherding the child towards the door.
"But we just came out, Mother," Arwen protested.
"I promise you can play outside later, all right?"
"All right," Arwen agreed, running inside giddily. Nothing could ruin her moods, Celebrian thought with a smile. Arwen had been easier than the twins as a child, probably because there was only one of her. The twins had been in enough mischief for ten children. Celebrian's thoughts were cut short by Arwen's cry of, "Good morrow, Ada!" Her soft footsteps continued quickly, but Celebrian's topped entirely.
"You know, then?" she asked.
"You knew? You knew and you never told me that my sons were--were--" Elrond stuttered, unable to say it.
"Of course I knew, they are my sons also. Why would I have told you?"
"You would have--should have told me because they are my sons, and what I have just seen them doing is wrong."
"They love each other, Elrond. There is nothing you can do to change that. I never told you because I knew you would react this way." Celebrian remained calm, knowing her husband's temper. Shouting would do no good.
"Love? Love?"
"Would you so deny my love?" Celebrian asked, well aware that she was using his emotions and hers as tools. So be it. This would take time and effort.
"You know that's different." At least he was calmer.
"It is not. You have seen our sons kissing, I suppose?"
"I have."
"And you have confined them?"
"Yes." At this answer Celebrian kissed her husband. "Celebrain--"
"A kiss, that is all. Will you confine me?"
"You are my wife, they are my sons, it is different. It is unnatural for two men to have those feelings for each other."
"So often you say, but it is the same. While I may be your wife you have no power over me, and this goes also for your sons. Love is more powerful than anything else. I have taught my sons this, why can I not teach you? You cannot keep them apart."
Elrond did not reply, but when Celebrian had left he said, "Yet I will do everything in my power to try." *****
"You have not only brought shame upon yourselves but on your family. How is your sister supposed to look at you as role models? How can your mother and I trust you?"
Elrohir's head was bowed. His cheeks burned red with deep shame. His lip quivered. Beside him Elladan stood, his chin parallel to the floor. Elladan did not blush, did not bite back tears as his brother did beside him.
"You have no need to hide your shame, Elladan."
As he spoke, each word was like a snake's bite, sure, full, and separate from the next. "I have no shame to hide." Elrohir turned his head, and Elrond's head shot up to stare at his son in disbelief. "You heard me rightly, before you even ask, Adar. I am not ashamed." Elrond thought about this for a moment, and to the boys it seemed that he might accept them as they were. Elrohir raised his head in hope.
"In a week Glorfindel is leaving on a hunting trip. Elrohir, you will accompany him. Elladan, you will not set foot outside Imladris."
"What? You can't do that!" Elladan exploded.
"It's not fair," Elrohir protested.
"I can and I will, Elladan. If you cannot behave appropriately around your brother, then you shall never see him alone. He shall be on errant outside Imladris, and you shall never leave it. You are both dismissed."
Elrohir turned, his head down again, and shuffled away. Elladan did not move, staring at his father in anger, betrayal, and something deeper than either.
"What is it, Elladan?" Elrond asked, exasperated.
"I hate you."
Elrond felt regret as he watched his son leave his study, as if Elladan had left him for ever. Part of him wanted to call out and stop him, tell him it was all right. But he knew the boy would come to his senses, and Elrond could bear the pain of empty words.
Author's note: This chapter is rather controversial, I would suppose, for some sexual content. If you don't like that, then don't read it. Don't flame me.
Dream Catcher: Thanks for reading, I know you didn't want to.
Darragh Tieranaeux: Thank you. The twins were supposed to be quite opposites, one so strong and stubborn and the other highly emotional. Seriously, thank you for reading.
Hrefna: Wow! You liked it! Yay! Thanks! Sorry it took so long to get this one up. So there are cats in Middle Earth, thanks. Evil cats, it seems! Thanks again.
"Something so beautiful it hurts deep inside,
But I will love you till the day that I die."
~Garbage
*****
Elladan's eyelids fluttered softly open. His brother, Elrohir, still lay in his arms. A smile played over Elladan's face. He knew he loved Elrohir, loved him the way their Ada was opposed to. That kind of love, he had always believed, was a strong thing, and always mutual. He did not understand Elrohir's tendency to draw away from him. It almost felt good, having a secret from their parents. All their lives they had kept small secrets, for example the time when Elladan wanted snow so badly he threw a ball of mud at Glorfindel. Elladan wanted to talk about all their secrets, but Elrohir looked so sweet and peaceful in his sleep that Elladan could not bear to wake him.
"Hmm. . .Elladan! Why did you not wake me?" Elrohir practically jumped out of his brother's arms, sitting bolt upright. "How long have you been awake?"
"Maybe an hour," Elladan answered lazily, sitting up himself. "I would have woken you, but you looked so serene I had not the heart," he explained, stretching his arms out.
"Oh, Eru. . .oh, Eru, what have I done. . ." Elrohir muttered, rocking back and forth. It was not possible that he had done that, disobeyed his Ada and done the one thing that disgusted him beyond any conception. He wanted to peel off a layer of his own skin and be sick.
"Elrohir, this is right." Elladan sat beside his twin. "How could anything feel so right and be so wrong?"
"No, no I. . .it feels so wrong, though, Elladan," Elrohir argued, on the verge of tears.
"When does it feel wrong?" Elladan asked gently. On a whim he reached out and tenderly caressed Elrohir's cheek. Elrohir did not pull away from him.
"It never feel wrong around you, but. . .it feels so bad. . .so dirty. . .when I think about it."
"You are not meant to think about it," Elladan said, "you live it." And he kissed Elrohir again, meaning every second of it. Elrohir was jolted with the shock of the kiss, then he felt the comfort of it, and he submitted. Elladan drew softly away. "Do you want to go further?" he asked quietly, suggestive but not pressing.
Elrohir was for a second indecisive. It felt right around Elladan, but later it would not feel right. He let his heart think for him, with the feeling that it would rip free of his chest, and the feeling that it would ache if he said no. "Yes," he whispered, wondering what Elladan was going to do. Unsure of what to do himself, he awkwardly brought his lips to Elladan's.
During the kiss Elrohir felt Elladan's hand on his chest, moving towards his leggings. Elrohir was unsure if he felt comfortable with what was going on. It was not so much what Elladan was doing as it was the feelings it brought out in Elrohir. He wanted it, he knew he did, that was certain now. His chest heaved with pleasure. The strange new feeling came from where Elladan's hand was reaching, and it was a feeling of longing and desire, long asleep now awakened ten times as strong. It was not a desire he could deny.
Elrohir was surprised to realize that the moans of pleasure were really his own. Was what he was doing right? What if Ada found out? Should he stop now--"Don't think." It was Elladan's whisper through kisses. Elrohir stopped his thoughts and just lived, lived the moment.
Elladan knew his lover had remembered to stop thinking, and he was glad. It was good, what they were doing, these feelings so strong as anything, strong than everything else together. His hand slipped inside Elrohir's leggings. This was it. This was final, farther than either one had ever been. It felt so good, like a giant bubble of pleasure welling up inside of Elladan.
"Elrohir! Elladan!"
The two quickly pushed away from each other. Elladan pulled his hand away, hoping it had gone unnoticed. Elrohir felt his happiness slip away from him, replaced by shame. Elladan felt only anger. "Ada. . ." Elrohir began.
"Save it. You will stay in your rooms today, and think about what you have to say. I will see you both in my study, first thing tomorrow morning."
Elladan's breath was heavy with anger. What right of his to break them apart? What arrogance to think himself strong than this, than love? He sat still, afraid of what he might do or say if he moved.
"Elladan? Go to your room, now."
He stood and walked out of the room, head held high. His steps never wavered in their pride. Elrohir wished he could feel so proud, so sure of anything. He heard Elladan's door slam, then his own door close. His head remained bowed so he would not have to see the look of disappointment and disgust on his Ada's face.
*****
Elrohir wanted to be like Elladan. He wanted undeterred confidence and such sureness of self. He wanted to sit in his room feeling angry and right. He did not want to sit in his room on his bed, staring at the wall, tears running down his cheeks and an ache in his stomach like he wanted to throw up.
As the tears fell silently, Elrohir got to thinking about things. What about Arwen? What would his parents tell her? Would she understand? Even though she was annoying at times, Elrohir loved Arwen--brotherly love-- and he did not want her to look at him in disgust. Maybe she would understand, maybe it would all be all right after all.
Maybe Ada would understand.
*****
Elladan was sitting on his bed also, fuming. He was in love, he knew it. No one had the right to take that away from him. No one would. "I will love him no matter what," Elladan pledged to himself, "no matter who is angered by it, no matter who scorns it. I love him and so be it ever."
No tears, no regrets. Elladan stood and strode to the window, staring out at the white snow. Two figures were as well outside, one smaller and one bigger. They were laughing happily. Elladan watched as they played in the snow, his mother and his sister.
*****
Celebrian's sharp eye caught sight of Elladan watching her, a smile on his face, and she waved to him. He waved back. "Look, Arwen, there's Elladan. Aren't you going to wave to him?"
"Good morrow, Elladan!" Arwen shouted, cupping her hands around her mouth. She smiled and waved with her whole arm. Elladan laughed and waved back, calling something the two could not hear. Arwen scooped up some snow and hurled it at Elladan's window. It hit right in front of his face and he laughed, opening the window to clean off the snow.
"Oh, Wennie, go bother Elrohir for a while!" Elladan called, employing one of Arwen's nicknames. She stuck out her tongue at him, but turned to Elrohir's window and called out his name. Elrohir came to the window, opening it slightly.
"Good morrow, Elrohir!" Arwen called, again cupping her hands. Again she waved maniacally. Elrohir smiled sadly and waved back. "Come outside and play," she implored.
"No, thank you," Elrohir replied, "but throw a few snowballs at Glorfindel for me!" Celebrian paused, seeing the confusion and sorrow in her son's eyes. She straightened and dropped the snow in her hands. Elrond knew, somehow. She was sure of it.
"Arwen, let's go inside now," Celebrian said, shepherding the child towards the door.
"But we just came out, Mother," Arwen protested.
"I promise you can play outside later, all right?"
"All right," Arwen agreed, running inside giddily. Nothing could ruin her moods, Celebrian thought with a smile. Arwen had been easier than the twins as a child, probably because there was only one of her. The twins had been in enough mischief for ten children. Celebrian's thoughts were cut short by Arwen's cry of, "Good morrow, Ada!" Her soft footsteps continued quickly, but Celebrian's topped entirely.
"You know, then?" she asked.
"You knew? You knew and you never told me that my sons were--were--" Elrond stuttered, unable to say it.
"Of course I knew, they are my sons also. Why would I have told you?"
"You would have--should have told me because they are my sons, and what I have just seen them doing is wrong."
"They love each other, Elrond. There is nothing you can do to change that. I never told you because I knew you would react this way." Celebrian remained calm, knowing her husband's temper. Shouting would do no good.
"Love? Love?"
"Would you so deny my love?" Celebrian asked, well aware that she was using his emotions and hers as tools. So be it. This would take time and effort.
"You know that's different." At least he was calmer.
"It is not. You have seen our sons kissing, I suppose?"
"I have."
"And you have confined them?"
"Yes." At this answer Celebrian kissed her husband. "Celebrain--"
"A kiss, that is all. Will you confine me?"
"You are my wife, they are my sons, it is different. It is unnatural for two men to have those feelings for each other."
"So often you say, but it is the same. While I may be your wife you have no power over me, and this goes also for your sons. Love is more powerful than anything else. I have taught my sons this, why can I not teach you? You cannot keep them apart."
Elrond did not reply, but when Celebrian had left he said, "Yet I will do everything in my power to try." *****
"You have not only brought shame upon yourselves but on your family. How is your sister supposed to look at you as role models? How can your mother and I trust you?"
Elrohir's head was bowed. His cheeks burned red with deep shame. His lip quivered. Beside him Elladan stood, his chin parallel to the floor. Elladan did not blush, did not bite back tears as his brother did beside him.
"You have no need to hide your shame, Elladan."
As he spoke, each word was like a snake's bite, sure, full, and separate from the next. "I have no shame to hide." Elrohir turned his head, and Elrond's head shot up to stare at his son in disbelief. "You heard me rightly, before you even ask, Adar. I am not ashamed." Elrond thought about this for a moment, and to the boys it seemed that he might accept them as they were. Elrohir raised his head in hope.
"In a week Glorfindel is leaving on a hunting trip. Elrohir, you will accompany him. Elladan, you will not set foot outside Imladris."
"What? You can't do that!" Elladan exploded.
"It's not fair," Elrohir protested.
"I can and I will, Elladan. If you cannot behave appropriately around your brother, then you shall never see him alone. He shall be on errant outside Imladris, and you shall never leave it. You are both dismissed."
Elrohir turned, his head down again, and shuffled away. Elladan did not move, staring at his father in anger, betrayal, and something deeper than either.
"What is it, Elladan?" Elrond asked, exasperated.
"I hate you."
Elrond felt regret as he watched his son leave his study, as if Elladan had left him for ever. Part of him wanted to call out and stop him, tell him it was all right. But he knew the boy would come to his senses, and Elrond could bear the pain of empty words.