Disclaimer: I do not own Lord of the Rings.
Sorry this chapter took so long.
Forest Elfin: Lucky for Estel he'll never remember that, having been a little kid at the time!
Darragh Tieraneux: Thanks! Waiting is evil. . .
Reginabean: Thanks! And yes, a Beatles fan. Plus their songs are pretty good for chapter titles!
Pink Martini: Thanks, and I'll try.
Thanks everyone who reviewed!
*****
The next few years passed quickly, by the ways of Men, and slowly by the ways of Elves, for Elladan and Elrohir. They did much look after their young brother, Estel, whose growth was something of interest to them. By the time has was four years old his speech was more fluent, though held back, but by five he never stopped talking. His steps, also, evened out, and as he spoke he was often running, making it difficult to stop him from doing anything at all.
Though he would never have admitted it, Elladan stopped hating the child so very much. In a matter of three years he became closer and closer to the boy. In Estel's sixth year there was one incident, but it was short and passed by quickly. Estel never remembered it, and even if he did he would not have judged Elladan at all, for he loved his brother very much. It was on the anniversary of Celebrian's departure, and Elladan and Elrohir had been instructed to watch Estel.
"Elladan, don't," Elrohir half asked. Elladan just narrowed his eyes, and gave his head a quick shake. Elrohir looked on, disapproving, but did nothing to stop Elladan's drinking. He was neither habitually nor in an addicted manner a drinker, but this was a "special" night. "You think she wants this?"
Elladan cursed. "She left us, Elrohir. Wake up! She doesn't care. . ."
"You know that's not true," Elrohir protested. "You know she had no choice." Elladan was clearly intoxicated. Estel sat beside Elrohir, but his gaze was fixed on Elladan. Elladan noticed this, and glared back at him.
"What's wrong with you, huh? You want to judge me, too?" Elladan asked, his words slurred. Estel shook his head.
"I was just wondering what ale tastes like," Estel said innocently.
"Here, find out," Elladan suggested, holding out an open bottle to the child.
"Elladan, no!" Elrohir hissed. "He's just a child!"
"Aw, he's not," Elladan argued drunkenly. "He can make his own choices, can't you?"
"Estel, don't," Elrohir instructed, tightening his grasp on Estel's shoulders.
"No," Estel said. He shook Elrohir lightly off of him, and walked over to Elladan. "I can make my own choices." He made a face at his first taste of ale, but he kept it down. Elladan laughed, patting him on the shoulder.
"Good choice," he affirmed. Estel looked at Elrohir, a sort of accusing look. Elrohir sighed and buried his head in his hands, grasping his hair in two fists. Estel began to ask if something was wrong, but Elladan said, "You want another ale, Estel?"
Two hours later, Estel passed out. Elladan looked to him. "Well? Aren't you going to do something?" he asked. Elrohir always did something, he always had a trick up his sleeves. But now, he gently loosed stiff fingers from his knotted locks, and wet, red eyes, stared at Elladan
"What," he whispered, "should I do?"
"I don't care! Just do something! You always have something to do! Nothing ever freezes you, why should this be any different?"
"Why can't you? Why can't I fall apart, just one time?" Elrohir shouted. "Why do you always get it easy, huh? Why do you always have an answer, but never an action? Why do I have to be responsible for you?"
"Because you always have been! You set yourself up for responsibility, so take what you asked for!" Elladan stormed out of the room. Elrohir muttered a short prayer, collapsing into his chair. He hadn't meant for that to happen. . .
"What's wrong, Elrohir?"
"Nothing, Estel," Elrohir said, sniffing back tears and wiping his face. "Come on, it's time for bed." Elrohir lifted Estel into his arms and carried him down the hall to his room. Half-hearted, Elrohir slid Estel into his bed and pulled the covers over him. "Good night," he whispered, then he left the room.
*****
Nothing was resolved after that night. No one ever said "I'm sorry". No one ever brought it up again, they just let it hang in mid-air. The twins went on with life as if it never existed. Estel woke up with a pounding headache and no memory of the night before.
A year passed. Elladan did nothing hateful to Estel, and Elrohir kept on being responsible for everything. It was then that they noticed how strange Estel had been acting. He seemed secretive, and as if he were planning something. He wasn't nearly as chatty as usual. The twins debated approaching him about it, but decided against it. One morning not too long after, their questions were answered, and Estel was found to be missing.
Elladan took this personally. He searched high and low for Estel, but the searching was slow. "This isn't your fault," Elrohir reminded him. Elladan did not respond. They still thought it possible that he had not run away, that perhaps he was out on one of his "adventures". Night fell, and heavy rain clouds that had been gathering all day burst.
"This rain is no good, it will wash away any tracks Estel left," Elladan commented, staring into the trees.
"Then help me follow these tracks while we've got them to follow!" Elrohir responded. Though Estel had some training in such things, he did not appear to have tried to hide his tracks at all. Noticing something Elrohir stopped, and examined it further. "Elladan, look."
"What is it?" Elladan asked. He followed the tracks, then he realized. "We passed right by him."
"He was hiding from us."
Before that moment Elladan had believed that Estel was just off on an "adventure", but no longer. There was no way now that to be true, not if Estel had been hiding from them. "He's not coming back, Elrohir."
"He has to come back, or we will just have to bring him back." Elrohir headed forward, following the remnants of Estel's tracks. "Estel!"
*****
"Elrohir! Elrohir!" Elladan shook his brother with unnecessary force. "Elrohir, wake up!" His voice was filled with tears.
"What is it?" Elrohir asked groggily. Birds were singing and the sun shone over the twins, their bodies wet from the rain and the morning dew.
"He's gone. We're not going to find him now, 'Ro. We were just closing our eyes. . .just resting our eyes for a few moments, right? Just. . .just resting. . ." he trailed off as tears sprang to his eyes and ran down his cheeks.
"Elladan, it will be all right. Come on, hold yourself together. We had better go tell Ada we're all right, and then we can keep up our search." Elrohir got to his feet. Elladan watched him, questioning. "Ada will be worried, Elladan. About us, as well as about Estel. For whom we can do little now. . ."
Elladan did not want to admit that his brother was right. He did not want to follow Elrohir back, to find their father and tell him that they were all right, not while Estel was still out there. But all his strength was gone with despair, and numbly he followed Elrohir.
"Did you find him?" was the first thing Elrond said. Elladan's numbness evaporated, replaced with burning anger. What about us? Didn't you even worry about your sons? Don't we matter any more?
"No," Elrohir said, "we just wanted to make sure you weren't worried about us before going back out to search for a while longer." Elrond nodded, and the twins left. Elrohir could not keep Elladan from whispering certain obscenities, but he could keep him from riding back and killing Elrond, by reminding him of Estel. "We'll find him, Elladan."
Taking these words to heart, Elladan and Elrohir kept up their search well into the night. They found no trace of their brother. Eventually weariness set in. They were only Elves, and even they needed rest at some time. Elrohir looked longingly back, then suggested to Elladan that they return. "Elladan, let's just go back home. We will not find him. Look, the stars shine on us. It is more like that he will come home on his own than that we will find him out here."
Elladan knew these words to be true, but he would not admit it. "Just a few more minutes," he argued. If anything happened to Estel, it was his fault. He had been so terrible to him. If Elladan had just. . .so now he had to find Estel. It wasn't a choice.
Elrohir did not tell him this was folly. He sighed, but agreed to a few more minutes. Every time he told Elladan that his few minutes were up, Elladan insisted on just a few more. Eventually Elrohir stopped telling him how long they had been out. Elladan was determined, and there was no changing his mind.
Near midday Elladan sighed. He could hardly keep his eyes open. Estel could run right by him and not be seen. It was time to admit defeat. "Let's go home, Elrohir," he said, turning dejectedly.
"You didn't do anything wrong, brother," Elrohir said, his arm around Elladan's shoulders.
"Whatever you say. . ."
They made their way back to Imladris. Elrohir hoped Estel had found or would find his way home, safely. Elladan was still beating himself up about Estel leaving in the first place, insisting that it was his fault. Every counter argument came back to the fact the Estel had hidden from them. Clearly, clearly it was Elladan's fault. "Glorfindel," Elrohir said as they approached their friend, "have you seen Ada?"
"Yes, he's in Estel's room," Glorfindel replied, rushed, then he hurried off. The twins glanced at each other, then made their way to Estel's room.
"Estel!" Their energy had returned at seeing him.
"Estel, you ratbag!" Elladan said, before he could help it hugging the boy. With Elrohir on his left and Elladan on his right, Estel was so twisted about he may as well have joined the circus. "You stupid, stupid person! Beag!" Elladan could not help shouting any insult that came into his head, almost tearfully hugging Estel.
"Elladan, he's turning blue," Elrohir said, having drawn away from Estel. Elladan pulled back, and all his happiness was replaced with anger.
"What in Middle-earth were you thinking?" Elladan demanded, smacking Estel on the head. Estel began to cry. "Did you think at all?"
"Elladan, maybe you need to calm down a bit," Elrohir suggested, grabbing Elladan's arm and dragging him out of the room. "All right, I know you're tired and I know you're angry," Elrohir began as they reached the corridor. "So maybe both of us should get some rest before we talk to Estel again, all right?"
Elladan agreed and both twins slept for many, many hours before speaking to anyone again.
*****
Elrohir woke before his brother, and it was late morning. "I must have slept for almost twenty hours," he moaned, brushing his teeth. His limbs were heavy, and a part of him wanted to get back into bed, and just sleep all day, but instead he made himself breakfast and went outside. It felt good to be home again, and well rested. He was just enjoying the sunshine when someone came up behind him, saying,
"What do you say to an archery contest, to wake us both up properly?"
Elrohir sighed. Elladan always won archery contests, but he was a good sport about such things. "All right, let me just go get my bow. . ." he trailed off as the bow was handed to him. Clearly he wasn't getting out of this one. For the better part of an hour the aimed at various targets, mostly leaves and acorns, then Elladan noticed something.
"Elrohir, Estel's out there, will you let me speak with him alone?" Elladan asked. Elrohir shook his head, not after last time. "I think I owe him an apology." To this Elrohir nodded and the two headed back to Imladris. Elladan doubled back to the spare archery targets, lifting the small boy out of them. Estel struggled hard against him. "Stop that! Estel, quit kicking me!" When Estel struggled harder (and he could get pretty violent), Elladan added, "Estel! What are you trying to do? It's me, Elladan, your brother! I'm not going to hurt you!"
"Why do you care what I do? Let me go! You hurt me before, I don't want you to hurt me now! This time I didn't do anything!" Elladan held Estel at an arm's length, trying his best to avoid flailing fists and feet. Elrohir must have heard the commotion, because he was approaching, also. Estel's struggles had proved unsuccessful thus far, so he employed another of the weapons at his disposal, sinking his teeth into his brother's flesh. Elladan shouted and his muscles spasmed, letting Estel fall to the ground. He stared at Elladan, looking as if Elladan had betrayed him, then got up fearfully and ran to Elrohir.
"What happened, Elladan?" Elrohir asked, trying to soothe a thoroughly frightened Estel.
"I just saw Estel hiding over there, and I thought he was running away again," Elladan said, walking over to his brother. "He bit me. I didn't mean to drop him." In his defense Elladan raised his hand, showing Elrohir where pools of blood spouted from a serious of minute tooth marks.
"Estel?" Elrohir asked.
"He hurt me again!" Estel cried, his young mind having formally registered only the outcome. "I wanted to apologize and he hurt me again!"
"Estel, stand here for a minute," Elrohir said, kneeling and setting Estel on the ground. Estel sniveled, but he was not crying. He may have been moments before. "Tell me exactly what happened."
"I was trying to wait until I could talk to Elladan alone, because he was so upset, but when I tried to apologize he dropped me!"
"Estel, Elladan thought you were running away," Elrohir informed him quietly. "He picked you up so you wouldn't, and when you bit him he was no longer capable of holding you. So do you understand how Elladan is not at fault here?"
"I was scared. The last time I talked to him he hit me. I deserved it then, but now I don't. I haven't done anything wrong today," Estel pleaded his case. Elrohir backed up.
"This is between you and Elladan. I'll leave you now, and see you back in Imladris." With that Elrohir turned and strode swiftly away. Estel wanted to bolt but he didn't. Elladan stood oddly.
"I wanted to say sorry for being so dumb and for running away," Estel said, "or maybe just because you were hurt."
"It's all right, Estel. I suppose I partially blamed myself for that, which was why I was so angry," Elladan offered.
"How come you blamed yourself?"
"You don't remember?" Elladan was shocked. He thought for sure Estel had memory of when he was younger, it had been hardly a year ago. . ."I hated you when you were younger. Which was my fault, not yours, but the fact remains. It seemed that when you ran away. . .I felt like you were running away from me. You hid from us, Estel. Why did you do that?"
"I wanted to be better," Estel said. He had not yet fully explained this to Elrond, explaining it to Elladan seemed more proper. "I thought if I were an Elf that everyone would like me better. Legolas says that it's a. . .juvenile nature to believe that perhaps things would be better if you were different."
Elladan laughed. "Well, Legolas is right, but perhaps he should have used easier words for you. Would you like me to explain?" Estel nodded eagerly, thinking that this was what big brothers ought to be like. "When you're little, like you are now, sometimes bad things happen and you think that if you were different--Elven, Dwarvish, red-headed--things would be better."
"Oh! Now I understand! Thanks, Elladan," Estel exclaimed, hugging Elladan in his usual thank-you manner.
"You're welcome," Elladan said, lifting Estel off the ground. "Don't kick me this time, because no matter what you do there is no way I'll let you go!" he joked. Estel giggled.
*****
Elladan was not fully surprised when he was summoned by his father, it really wasn't the first time Elrond had failed to observe their blood relation. Combing his hair Elladan thought about how their "talk" would go. They would discuss Estel, that was for sure, because otherwise Elrond would have yelled at Elladan straight away, not waited until Estel was asleep. What had Elladan done this time. . .he walked down the corridor with a slight bounce in his step, not sure why he was so happy. Knocking on the door to Elrond's study, Elladan quickly got rid of his smile.
"Come in." Elladan did. "Sit down." Elladan did. Both of these things he would rather not have done at all, but he did do them, because, perhaps, some small part of him loved trouble, and searched for it. Perhaps he hated Elrond that much. It was difficult to say. Perhaps, even, it was curiosity. After all, he wasn't sure what he had done wrong this time. "Telling your brother that you use to hate him--" oh, it was that. "--do not roll your eyes at me! What you said to him was completely inappropriate. Estel is a child, and not old enough to understand--"
"Yes he is."
"What?"
"Old enough to understand. He is," Elladan repeated.
"You don't seem to understand what I'm telling you, and I know you don't understand anything about raising a child--"
"And you do?"
Elrond was shocked for a moment into silence. "I raised three children, how many did you raise?"
"And what of the outcome, huh? Are you proud of your children?"
"This is not about that," Elrond said with a calm clearly trying to repress anger. "This is about you telling your brother things he is too young to hear."
"Too young, there's no age! It's a matter of maturity, not of age! Estel is still quite young, yes, but he was old enough to know that. You may say you think he's not old enough, well I think he is!"
"No, Elladan, he is far too young." Elrond was sick of argument. Now it was going to be what he says, goes, no questions asked. "You are not to tell your brother these sorts of things without first consulting me, is that understood?" He had lost his calm façade. His anger was so obvious Elladan wanted to laugh.
"It is far from understood. You cannot coddle him all your life, sooner or later he will have to learn all this!"
"Elladan, you will listen to me--"
As I am your son, blah blah blah, Mother knew better, she knew how to raise a child, I wish Mother were here. Oh, no. I just said that out loud. No, I didn't say it. . .
"What was that?"
In Elladan's position, Elrohir would shake, turn pale, and apologize profusely. Elladan considered this, but the alternative won out, as in his own rage that was all he could manage. "I said I wished Mother were still here!" he shouted. "She would understand, not like you."
Elrond passed rage. His voice was eerily calm when he spoke again, but the calm sort of anger which was the most frightening. "Do not ever use her in your defense like that."
What Elrond was saying was enough that Elladan would have broken his nose, had he been in a fighting mood. As it was, he was only angry. In YOUR defense, Elrond had said. Their mother would never side with him, not about this! "She left all of us, Adar, not just you. Why do you think I hated the stupid little brat? We weren't enough for you but he was!" Elladan slammed open the door and left, tears bathing his face, not listening to Elrond call after him. Anything that nitwit had to say, he didn't want to hear.
Elladan did not go to his own room, instead he went to Elrohir's, knocking urgently on the door. Elrohir answered, confused. Elladan entered the room and shut the door behind him. "What happened?" Elrohir began to ask, but Elladan cut him off.
Drawing back from his kiss, Elladan asked, "Will you go further tonight?" Elrohir was torn. He would lie to say that he had not enjoyed the kiss, that he did not long for the feel of Elladan's flesh against his, but still something inside tugged at him not to. "It's all right if you don't want to."
"No," Elrohir said suddenly. Elladan's face fell, but he tried to hide his disappointment. "I mean, no, I want to," he said. "But I do not know how."
"I know," Elladan replied, then he whispered to Elrohir, as if it were some great secret. When he had finished, Elrohir was still. He couldn't do. . .that, what Elladan had just described to him. He couldn't, it just couldn't happen.
Elrohir pulled away. "I can't do that," he whispered, "I'm sorry, but I can't."
"No, Elrohir, yes you can, it's not like it sounds."
"Well. . .I'm just not sure, Elladan."
"Just try it once, and if you don't like you never have to, ever again, all right?"
"All right."
*****
A soft knocking distracted Elladan. Elrohir, fully clothed on the window sill, was oblivious as he wept, hysterical, rubbing at his skin as if to tear it off. He hadn't know what was going on, but he had liked it. . .and then it had hurt so much. . .
Elladan, standing useless in the corner, went to answer the door. He had tried to console Elrohir, really he had, but as soon as he approached, Elrohir shouted and became violent. Now he heard Legolas's voice calling from outside, saying that Estel was upset and was saying that Elladan hated him. "Is he that upset?" Elladan asked, opening the door.
"He is. I would speak with him but he would not let me. Elladan, he needs you."
Elladan gazed back into Elrohir's room. Elrohir was still crying, but what could Elladan do for him? Nothing was what, he would not have his comfort. If Estel needed him, and he could help him, then it was Estel he would comfort. Elladan stepped out into the hall.
*****
Elrohir felt a great sense of abandonment after that night. He would not go near Elrohir. How could he have left him like that, crying his eyes out? Was that what lovers did? Was that what brothers did? Not that he knew of, no. So what if he did not love women? That did not mean he only loved Elladan. There had to be someone else out there, someone for him.
Sorry this chapter took so long.
Forest Elfin: Lucky for Estel he'll never remember that, having been a little kid at the time!
Darragh Tieraneux: Thanks! Waiting is evil. . .
Reginabean: Thanks! And yes, a Beatles fan. Plus their songs are pretty good for chapter titles!
Pink Martini: Thanks, and I'll try.
Thanks everyone who reviewed!
*****
The next few years passed quickly, by the ways of Men, and slowly by the ways of Elves, for Elladan and Elrohir. They did much look after their young brother, Estel, whose growth was something of interest to them. By the time has was four years old his speech was more fluent, though held back, but by five he never stopped talking. His steps, also, evened out, and as he spoke he was often running, making it difficult to stop him from doing anything at all.
Though he would never have admitted it, Elladan stopped hating the child so very much. In a matter of three years he became closer and closer to the boy. In Estel's sixth year there was one incident, but it was short and passed by quickly. Estel never remembered it, and even if he did he would not have judged Elladan at all, for he loved his brother very much. It was on the anniversary of Celebrian's departure, and Elladan and Elrohir had been instructed to watch Estel.
"Elladan, don't," Elrohir half asked. Elladan just narrowed his eyes, and gave his head a quick shake. Elrohir looked on, disapproving, but did nothing to stop Elladan's drinking. He was neither habitually nor in an addicted manner a drinker, but this was a "special" night. "You think she wants this?"
Elladan cursed. "She left us, Elrohir. Wake up! She doesn't care. . ."
"You know that's not true," Elrohir protested. "You know she had no choice." Elladan was clearly intoxicated. Estel sat beside Elrohir, but his gaze was fixed on Elladan. Elladan noticed this, and glared back at him.
"What's wrong with you, huh? You want to judge me, too?" Elladan asked, his words slurred. Estel shook his head.
"I was just wondering what ale tastes like," Estel said innocently.
"Here, find out," Elladan suggested, holding out an open bottle to the child.
"Elladan, no!" Elrohir hissed. "He's just a child!"
"Aw, he's not," Elladan argued drunkenly. "He can make his own choices, can't you?"
"Estel, don't," Elrohir instructed, tightening his grasp on Estel's shoulders.
"No," Estel said. He shook Elrohir lightly off of him, and walked over to Elladan. "I can make my own choices." He made a face at his first taste of ale, but he kept it down. Elladan laughed, patting him on the shoulder.
"Good choice," he affirmed. Estel looked at Elrohir, a sort of accusing look. Elrohir sighed and buried his head in his hands, grasping his hair in two fists. Estel began to ask if something was wrong, but Elladan said, "You want another ale, Estel?"
Two hours later, Estel passed out. Elladan looked to him. "Well? Aren't you going to do something?" he asked. Elrohir always did something, he always had a trick up his sleeves. But now, he gently loosed stiff fingers from his knotted locks, and wet, red eyes, stared at Elladan
"What," he whispered, "should I do?"
"I don't care! Just do something! You always have something to do! Nothing ever freezes you, why should this be any different?"
"Why can't you? Why can't I fall apart, just one time?" Elrohir shouted. "Why do you always get it easy, huh? Why do you always have an answer, but never an action? Why do I have to be responsible for you?"
"Because you always have been! You set yourself up for responsibility, so take what you asked for!" Elladan stormed out of the room. Elrohir muttered a short prayer, collapsing into his chair. He hadn't meant for that to happen. . .
"What's wrong, Elrohir?"
"Nothing, Estel," Elrohir said, sniffing back tears and wiping his face. "Come on, it's time for bed." Elrohir lifted Estel into his arms and carried him down the hall to his room. Half-hearted, Elrohir slid Estel into his bed and pulled the covers over him. "Good night," he whispered, then he left the room.
*****
Nothing was resolved after that night. No one ever said "I'm sorry". No one ever brought it up again, they just let it hang in mid-air. The twins went on with life as if it never existed. Estel woke up with a pounding headache and no memory of the night before.
A year passed. Elladan did nothing hateful to Estel, and Elrohir kept on being responsible for everything. It was then that they noticed how strange Estel had been acting. He seemed secretive, and as if he were planning something. He wasn't nearly as chatty as usual. The twins debated approaching him about it, but decided against it. One morning not too long after, their questions were answered, and Estel was found to be missing.
Elladan took this personally. He searched high and low for Estel, but the searching was slow. "This isn't your fault," Elrohir reminded him. Elladan did not respond. They still thought it possible that he had not run away, that perhaps he was out on one of his "adventures". Night fell, and heavy rain clouds that had been gathering all day burst.
"This rain is no good, it will wash away any tracks Estel left," Elladan commented, staring into the trees.
"Then help me follow these tracks while we've got them to follow!" Elrohir responded. Though Estel had some training in such things, he did not appear to have tried to hide his tracks at all. Noticing something Elrohir stopped, and examined it further. "Elladan, look."
"What is it?" Elladan asked. He followed the tracks, then he realized. "We passed right by him."
"He was hiding from us."
Before that moment Elladan had believed that Estel was just off on an "adventure", but no longer. There was no way now that to be true, not if Estel had been hiding from them. "He's not coming back, Elrohir."
"He has to come back, or we will just have to bring him back." Elrohir headed forward, following the remnants of Estel's tracks. "Estel!"
*****
"Elrohir! Elrohir!" Elladan shook his brother with unnecessary force. "Elrohir, wake up!" His voice was filled with tears.
"What is it?" Elrohir asked groggily. Birds were singing and the sun shone over the twins, their bodies wet from the rain and the morning dew.
"He's gone. We're not going to find him now, 'Ro. We were just closing our eyes. . .just resting our eyes for a few moments, right? Just. . .just resting. . ." he trailed off as tears sprang to his eyes and ran down his cheeks.
"Elladan, it will be all right. Come on, hold yourself together. We had better go tell Ada we're all right, and then we can keep up our search." Elrohir got to his feet. Elladan watched him, questioning. "Ada will be worried, Elladan. About us, as well as about Estel. For whom we can do little now. . ."
Elladan did not want to admit that his brother was right. He did not want to follow Elrohir back, to find their father and tell him that they were all right, not while Estel was still out there. But all his strength was gone with despair, and numbly he followed Elrohir.
"Did you find him?" was the first thing Elrond said. Elladan's numbness evaporated, replaced with burning anger. What about us? Didn't you even worry about your sons? Don't we matter any more?
"No," Elrohir said, "we just wanted to make sure you weren't worried about us before going back out to search for a while longer." Elrond nodded, and the twins left. Elrohir could not keep Elladan from whispering certain obscenities, but he could keep him from riding back and killing Elrond, by reminding him of Estel. "We'll find him, Elladan."
Taking these words to heart, Elladan and Elrohir kept up their search well into the night. They found no trace of their brother. Eventually weariness set in. They were only Elves, and even they needed rest at some time. Elrohir looked longingly back, then suggested to Elladan that they return. "Elladan, let's just go back home. We will not find him. Look, the stars shine on us. It is more like that he will come home on his own than that we will find him out here."
Elladan knew these words to be true, but he would not admit it. "Just a few more minutes," he argued. If anything happened to Estel, it was his fault. He had been so terrible to him. If Elladan had just. . .so now he had to find Estel. It wasn't a choice.
Elrohir did not tell him this was folly. He sighed, but agreed to a few more minutes. Every time he told Elladan that his few minutes were up, Elladan insisted on just a few more. Eventually Elrohir stopped telling him how long they had been out. Elladan was determined, and there was no changing his mind.
Near midday Elladan sighed. He could hardly keep his eyes open. Estel could run right by him and not be seen. It was time to admit defeat. "Let's go home, Elrohir," he said, turning dejectedly.
"You didn't do anything wrong, brother," Elrohir said, his arm around Elladan's shoulders.
"Whatever you say. . ."
They made their way back to Imladris. Elrohir hoped Estel had found or would find his way home, safely. Elladan was still beating himself up about Estel leaving in the first place, insisting that it was his fault. Every counter argument came back to the fact the Estel had hidden from them. Clearly, clearly it was Elladan's fault. "Glorfindel," Elrohir said as they approached their friend, "have you seen Ada?"
"Yes, he's in Estel's room," Glorfindel replied, rushed, then he hurried off. The twins glanced at each other, then made their way to Estel's room.
"Estel!" Their energy had returned at seeing him.
"Estel, you ratbag!" Elladan said, before he could help it hugging the boy. With Elrohir on his left and Elladan on his right, Estel was so twisted about he may as well have joined the circus. "You stupid, stupid person! Beag!" Elladan could not help shouting any insult that came into his head, almost tearfully hugging Estel.
"Elladan, he's turning blue," Elrohir said, having drawn away from Estel. Elladan pulled back, and all his happiness was replaced with anger.
"What in Middle-earth were you thinking?" Elladan demanded, smacking Estel on the head. Estel began to cry. "Did you think at all?"
"Elladan, maybe you need to calm down a bit," Elrohir suggested, grabbing Elladan's arm and dragging him out of the room. "All right, I know you're tired and I know you're angry," Elrohir began as they reached the corridor. "So maybe both of us should get some rest before we talk to Estel again, all right?"
Elladan agreed and both twins slept for many, many hours before speaking to anyone again.
*****
Elrohir woke before his brother, and it was late morning. "I must have slept for almost twenty hours," he moaned, brushing his teeth. His limbs were heavy, and a part of him wanted to get back into bed, and just sleep all day, but instead he made himself breakfast and went outside. It felt good to be home again, and well rested. He was just enjoying the sunshine when someone came up behind him, saying,
"What do you say to an archery contest, to wake us both up properly?"
Elrohir sighed. Elladan always won archery contests, but he was a good sport about such things. "All right, let me just go get my bow. . ." he trailed off as the bow was handed to him. Clearly he wasn't getting out of this one. For the better part of an hour the aimed at various targets, mostly leaves and acorns, then Elladan noticed something.
"Elrohir, Estel's out there, will you let me speak with him alone?" Elladan asked. Elrohir shook his head, not after last time. "I think I owe him an apology." To this Elrohir nodded and the two headed back to Imladris. Elladan doubled back to the spare archery targets, lifting the small boy out of them. Estel struggled hard against him. "Stop that! Estel, quit kicking me!" When Estel struggled harder (and he could get pretty violent), Elladan added, "Estel! What are you trying to do? It's me, Elladan, your brother! I'm not going to hurt you!"
"Why do you care what I do? Let me go! You hurt me before, I don't want you to hurt me now! This time I didn't do anything!" Elladan held Estel at an arm's length, trying his best to avoid flailing fists and feet. Elrohir must have heard the commotion, because he was approaching, also. Estel's struggles had proved unsuccessful thus far, so he employed another of the weapons at his disposal, sinking his teeth into his brother's flesh. Elladan shouted and his muscles spasmed, letting Estel fall to the ground. He stared at Elladan, looking as if Elladan had betrayed him, then got up fearfully and ran to Elrohir.
"What happened, Elladan?" Elrohir asked, trying to soothe a thoroughly frightened Estel.
"I just saw Estel hiding over there, and I thought he was running away again," Elladan said, walking over to his brother. "He bit me. I didn't mean to drop him." In his defense Elladan raised his hand, showing Elrohir where pools of blood spouted from a serious of minute tooth marks.
"Estel?" Elrohir asked.
"He hurt me again!" Estel cried, his young mind having formally registered only the outcome. "I wanted to apologize and he hurt me again!"
"Estel, stand here for a minute," Elrohir said, kneeling and setting Estel on the ground. Estel sniveled, but he was not crying. He may have been moments before. "Tell me exactly what happened."
"I was trying to wait until I could talk to Elladan alone, because he was so upset, but when I tried to apologize he dropped me!"
"Estel, Elladan thought you were running away," Elrohir informed him quietly. "He picked you up so you wouldn't, and when you bit him he was no longer capable of holding you. So do you understand how Elladan is not at fault here?"
"I was scared. The last time I talked to him he hit me. I deserved it then, but now I don't. I haven't done anything wrong today," Estel pleaded his case. Elrohir backed up.
"This is between you and Elladan. I'll leave you now, and see you back in Imladris." With that Elrohir turned and strode swiftly away. Estel wanted to bolt but he didn't. Elladan stood oddly.
"I wanted to say sorry for being so dumb and for running away," Estel said, "or maybe just because you were hurt."
"It's all right, Estel. I suppose I partially blamed myself for that, which was why I was so angry," Elladan offered.
"How come you blamed yourself?"
"You don't remember?" Elladan was shocked. He thought for sure Estel had memory of when he was younger, it had been hardly a year ago. . ."I hated you when you were younger. Which was my fault, not yours, but the fact remains. It seemed that when you ran away. . .I felt like you were running away from me. You hid from us, Estel. Why did you do that?"
"I wanted to be better," Estel said. He had not yet fully explained this to Elrond, explaining it to Elladan seemed more proper. "I thought if I were an Elf that everyone would like me better. Legolas says that it's a. . .juvenile nature to believe that perhaps things would be better if you were different."
Elladan laughed. "Well, Legolas is right, but perhaps he should have used easier words for you. Would you like me to explain?" Estel nodded eagerly, thinking that this was what big brothers ought to be like. "When you're little, like you are now, sometimes bad things happen and you think that if you were different--Elven, Dwarvish, red-headed--things would be better."
"Oh! Now I understand! Thanks, Elladan," Estel exclaimed, hugging Elladan in his usual thank-you manner.
"You're welcome," Elladan said, lifting Estel off the ground. "Don't kick me this time, because no matter what you do there is no way I'll let you go!" he joked. Estel giggled.
*****
Elladan was not fully surprised when he was summoned by his father, it really wasn't the first time Elrond had failed to observe their blood relation. Combing his hair Elladan thought about how their "talk" would go. They would discuss Estel, that was for sure, because otherwise Elrond would have yelled at Elladan straight away, not waited until Estel was asleep. What had Elladan done this time. . .he walked down the corridor with a slight bounce in his step, not sure why he was so happy. Knocking on the door to Elrond's study, Elladan quickly got rid of his smile.
"Come in." Elladan did. "Sit down." Elladan did. Both of these things he would rather not have done at all, but he did do them, because, perhaps, some small part of him loved trouble, and searched for it. Perhaps he hated Elrond that much. It was difficult to say. Perhaps, even, it was curiosity. After all, he wasn't sure what he had done wrong this time. "Telling your brother that you use to hate him--" oh, it was that. "--do not roll your eyes at me! What you said to him was completely inappropriate. Estel is a child, and not old enough to understand--"
"Yes he is."
"What?"
"Old enough to understand. He is," Elladan repeated.
"You don't seem to understand what I'm telling you, and I know you don't understand anything about raising a child--"
"And you do?"
Elrond was shocked for a moment into silence. "I raised three children, how many did you raise?"
"And what of the outcome, huh? Are you proud of your children?"
"This is not about that," Elrond said with a calm clearly trying to repress anger. "This is about you telling your brother things he is too young to hear."
"Too young, there's no age! It's a matter of maturity, not of age! Estel is still quite young, yes, but he was old enough to know that. You may say you think he's not old enough, well I think he is!"
"No, Elladan, he is far too young." Elrond was sick of argument. Now it was going to be what he says, goes, no questions asked. "You are not to tell your brother these sorts of things without first consulting me, is that understood?" He had lost his calm façade. His anger was so obvious Elladan wanted to laugh.
"It is far from understood. You cannot coddle him all your life, sooner or later he will have to learn all this!"
"Elladan, you will listen to me--"
As I am your son, blah blah blah, Mother knew better, she knew how to raise a child, I wish Mother were here. Oh, no. I just said that out loud. No, I didn't say it. . .
"What was that?"
In Elladan's position, Elrohir would shake, turn pale, and apologize profusely. Elladan considered this, but the alternative won out, as in his own rage that was all he could manage. "I said I wished Mother were still here!" he shouted. "She would understand, not like you."
Elrond passed rage. His voice was eerily calm when he spoke again, but the calm sort of anger which was the most frightening. "Do not ever use her in your defense like that."
What Elrond was saying was enough that Elladan would have broken his nose, had he been in a fighting mood. As it was, he was only angry. In YOUR defense, Elrond had said. Their mother would never side with him, not about this! "She left all of us, Adar, not just you. Why do you think I hated the stupid little brat? We weren't enough for you but he was!" Elladan slammed open the door and left, tears bathing his face, not listening to Elrond call after him. Anything that nitwit had to say, he didn't want to hear.
Elladan did not go to his own room, instead he went to Elrohir's, knocking urgently on the door. Elrohir answered, confused. Elladan entered the room and shut the door behind him. "What happened?" Elrohir began to ask, but Elladan cut him off.
Drawing back from his kiss, Elladan asked, "Will you go further tonight?" Elrohir was torn. He would lie to say that he had not enjoyed the kiss, that he did not long for the feel of Elladan's flesh against his, but still something inside tugged at him not to. "It's all right if you don't want to."
"No," Elrohir said suddenly. Elladan's face fell, but he tried to hide his disappointment. "I mean, no, I want to," he said. "But I do not know how."
"I know," Elladan replied, then he whispered to Elrohir, as if it were some great secret. When he had finished, Elrohir was still. He couldn't do. . .that, what Elladan had just described to him. He couldn't, it just couldn't happen.
Elrohir pulled away. "I can't do that," he whispered, "I'm sorry, but I can't."
"No, Elrohir, yes you can, it's not like it sounds."
"Well. . .I'm just not sure, Elladan."
"Just try it once, and if you don't like you never have to, ever again, all right?"
"All right."
*****
A soft knocking distracted Elladan. Elrohir, fully clothed on the window sill, was oblivious as he wept, hysterical, rubbing at his skin as if to tear it off. He hadn't know what was going on, but he had liked it. . .and then it had hurt so much. . .
Elladan, standing useless in the corner, went to answer the door. He had tried to console Elrohir, really he had, but as soon as he approached, Elrohir shouted and became violent. Now he heard Legolas's voice calling from outside, saying that Estel was upset and was saying that Elladan hated him. "Is he that upset?" Elladan asked, opening the door.
"He is. I would speak with him but he would not let me. Elladan, he needs you."
Elladan gazed back into Elrohir's room. Elrohir was still crying, but what could Elladan do for him? Nothing was what, he would not have his comfort. If Estel needed him, and he could help him, then it was Estel he would comfort. Elladan stepped out into the hall.
*****
Elrohir felt a great sense of abandonment after that night. He would not go near Elrohir. How could he have left him like that, crying his eyes out? Was that what lovers did? Was that what brothers did? Not that he knew of, no. So what if he did not love women? That did not mean he only loved Elladan. There had to be someone else out there, someone for him.