Author's Notes: Just felt the urge to write something… weird… Anyway, here it is! :P Just read and… errr… don't worry too much. NON GRAPHIC, like the title said! The conversations tend to be confusing, but then again, this is just for fun!

"Italic"  - Draco singing

'italic' – Crabbe and Goyle back up singing

Disclaimer: No money, No own, No rights, No sue.

The Non Graphic Sexual Fantasies of Argus Filch

File 1: I Dreaming of Potions Class

Contrary to popular belief, Argus Filch is a normal, healthy man.

Oh yes, that was a lie. But even if it is, Mr. Filch also has a normal human being's body. He is stimulated as a normal person is, he thinks (well, not exactly for the most part but…) as a human being. Though the façade he shows the students of Hogwarts is, well, not really a façade, as he is truly like that because of reasons unbeknownst to us, there are things that are normal about him too.

What am I talking about?

Argus Filch's sexual fantasies.

Yes! Argus Filch does have sexual fantasies! Even if it doesn't seem so… he does!

Freaky, ain't it?

Let me take you sometime in the past…

Potions class…

Harry sighed as he tried hard to stay awake. Professor Snape was blabbering again about Potions, of course, and everything suddenly lost its color. He looked around to see what his housemates and the Slytherin 5th years are doing. His best friend Ron Weasley was staring out in space. He was looking directly at Professor Snape, but the stare seemed to convince the greasy-head man that he was paying attention. To his other side to the left, he saw Hermione, being the good student she was, taking notes. Harry could see that she was bored to death and was occasionally yawning. To his back, Seamus was having a glaring competition with Blaise Zabini, as he was passing notes with his housemates. Though, it only seemed that way for Blaise as Seamus was flashing him a flirty smile, while the Slytherin boy just glared at him with a scrunched up expression on his face while also writing on a crumpled parchment. Dean writing another note to pass and Neville was looking about the room just like him. Lavender and Parvati were giggling, probably because of some guy. On the left side of the classroom, the Slytherins were bored just as they were. Blaise, as said, was glaring at Seamus with an annoyed and questioning look. Pansy elbowed him and also glared at Seamus. Crabbe and Goyle, sitting on the left side of Draco, were secretly eating a chocolate muffin. Draco looked at them with disgust. Harry saw Draco turn to his parchment, and continued scribbling.

Harry groaned and started scribbling a note to pass when a crumpled ball of parchment hit him on the head. He took the offending piece of paper and looked around to see Draco Malfoy, sneering at him. He frowned at the blonde at threw the ball back at Draco. He was about to chuckle when he noticed Snape was looming over him, an irritated look on his face.

Professor Snape's mouth opened, as he was about to say something when Draco Malfoy suddenly stood up and shouted, "STOP!!!"

Everyone was stunned. Even the Potions Professor made an imitation of a fish then, opening and closing his mouth, not sure how to react.

Harry was greatly surprised. Did Malfoy just do that? He sounded almost upset that Snape was going to give Harry some punishment or something.

Everyone waited in anticipation what would come next. Draco smiled widely and… broke free from his robes.

Harry heard a high-pitched squeal from Lavender and Parvati as they turned deathly red. He looked over at Draco and…

'Great. Godric…'

Draco was starting to loosen his tie as he strutted towards the Potions master. Suddenly, music filled the dark room in the Dungeons. Draco's ears perked up and he grinned evilly and began to sing along with the tune as he approached the backing professor.

"I've been really trying, babe

Trying to hold back this feeling.

For so long

And if you feel like I do, baby

Come on, oh, come on…"

As soon as Snape was only a meter away from his storeroom, he was pushed by Draco inside. The blonde quickly shut the door and cast what could've been fifty locking spells in and out of the book. He seductively turned around and met the onlookers' eyes with a sexy smirk with one eyebrow lifted. Then, he started his singing again, of course, along with the music.

"Let's get it on…"

Suddenly, the room burst with laughter as Crabbe and Goyle let out high pitched 'aaah… oooohh…' behind Draco. Later did they realize that they were supposedly back up singers.

"Let's get it on…" 'Let's Love baby'

"Let's get it on, sugar, let's get it on."

Harry was mesmerized with Draco's hips, little by little making swaying movements. He felt himself blush deep crimson at this and turned to Ron, seeking for help.

A drooling Ron staring at Draco met him, though… Let me say that again, *ahem* A DROOLING RON STARING AT DRACO. *coughcoughimpossiblecough*

"Ron! Snap out of it!" said Harry, hiding his own interest.

Ron shook his head and, as he realized what had happened to him earlier, he said, "I think I'm gonna hurl…"

And that's exactly what he did as he took his cauldron and spewed his breakfast. Little did he know that barf and Wiggenweld potion didn't mix well…

…Thank Godric it only exploded in his face.

Harry shook his head, feeling sorry for the youngest boy Weasley. He just pats his best friend in his head and tried not to care about his barf covered face. Ron was still in a trance. He couldn't believe what just happened…

"I'm… so… ashamed… I'm.. so…"

All Harry could say at this was, "Tsk, tsk…"

Harry shrugged and remembered about Draco. He quickly returned to his original position, which was looking in front. He turned, and to his surprise, Draco was already in front of his seat, sensually unbuttoning his clothes.

Harry could only stare as Draco took the shirt off while humping Harry's table with the beat.

"We're all sensitive people with so much to give Understand nature since we've got to be I love you

The~~re's nothing wrong with me loving you"

Draco winked at him as the blonde Slytherin climbed up the table. Most of the students were watching, giggling… and eating popcorn, brought to you by Hermione Granger.

"Well it's a good opportunity to make money, you know!"

Anyway, back to Harry and Draco,

'Baby no, no no~~~'

Draco, with unknown superhuman strength, pulled Harry of his seat onto the table. Much to the pleasure of people, they needn't shout, 'Take it off!' because that' exactly what Draco was doing. Taking off Harry's shirt. Harry tried to scurry away by backing up against to the end of the table as if Draco was a hungry tiger… Well… actually, Draco was acting like a hungry tiger. And a sexy, blonde, hungry tiger at that!

"A~~nd giving yourself to me ('to me')

Can never be wrong

If the love is true, oh baby"

A big large 'GASP!' filled the room as Draco kissed Harry right in the pucker. He was able to pull Harry's top off and they were now both showing off the torso muscles they've built up from Quidditch practices. And the sight… yum. Where's the spoon?

'ooohh…'

Draco pulled up, he and Harry breathing deeply. The kiss left them both panting, trying to get in as much air they could. Harry looked over to Seamus, thinking what that perverted Irish boy could be doing. He blushed to the point where his ears were also blushing as he spotted Seamus, not in the Gryffindor side of the room, but at the Slytherin side. Not only that, he was also sitting on Blaise lap, both of them without a care in the world as they played tonsil hockey, just the two of them. Pansy, he saw, was eating popcorn, yelling "Go for it Draco, you Malfoy, you!"

Harry just shrugged… again.

Oh yeah, Ron was deathly pale, still stunned from his reaction. It seems like he's gonna miss all the fun…

Then, his attention was caught when he felt a slick hand trace on his breastbone. As was expected, he saw Draco licking his fingers and traced his body again, going lower and lower each time.

"Don't you know how sweet and wonderful

Life can be?"

'Let me love, let me love'

Soon, Draco made his way down to Harry's zipper. Harry quickly looked up at said, "What are you doing?!" He didn't know where that came from, but he was answered anyway through Draco's lyrics.

"I'm asking you, baby, to get it on with me"

Harry's jaw dropped.

"Okay, this is going too farumph-!"

Harry tried to get up, but was pushed back down by Draco. He tried to move his legs, but found that he can't as Crabbe and Goyle pinned them down. Draco held pulled up Harry's hands up the Gryffindor's head and restrained them there.

Harry thrashed with no success. He tried to ask his housemates for help, but most of them were cheering Draco on. And Hermione, you ask? She was selling what looked like green and red flaglets that said, "Go 4 it!" in the front. Some said, "let's get it on!"

'Now when did Mione get those done?' he wondered. Then again, Harry looked back at Draco who licked on his chest like a dog.

Oh wait, that was blonde, sexy, hungry tiger…

"I ain't gonna worry, I ain't gonna push Gonna push you baby"

'Come on, come on' (4x)

Let's get it on

You know what I'm talking about

Come on baby

Let your love come out

Draco was unbuttoning Harry' pants and was 'ever-so-teasingly' showing the crowd black colored boxers from beneath those pants. He also undid his own pants and showed a hint of green, velvety boxers. He licked his lips as he turned to their audience and returned to Harry.

If you believe in love

Let's get it on

Let's get it on, baby

Let's get it on

Please, get it on

With a devilish grin, he let his weight settle on Harry's lithe body, and started grinding their bare chests, eliciting moans from Harry. Draco could only smile at this. He bent down to Harry and whispered, "Feeling good, eh, Harry?"

Harry stared at Draco innocently. Then, much to Draco's surprise, Harry's hand snaked to Draco's nape and pulled him down for another, wet, sloppy kiss.

And soon, cheers and deafening shouts of, yes, 'Go for it!' filled the room.

Crabbe and Goyle just continued their back-up singing.

'Come on, come on (8x)'

Then, Seamus, who looked greatly disheveled turned to the other pair and said, "If you're gonna put on a show, why not do it all the way?!"

Then Blaise Zabini's voice followed, "Yeah! I though you said 'Let's get it on?!'"

Draco and Harry turned to them as Hermione threw vendor's cap to the floor and started stomping on it saying, "Yeah! All the way!!!"

Lavender and Parvati stood up and posed, their hands on their hips and their right arms outstretched pointing at nowhere in particular.

"YEAH! THAT'S RIGHT!"

Then Dean also stood up and said, "Come on everybody, say, All the way! All the way!"

Immediately, the chanting of 'All the way' grew louder. Draco nodded and flashed a smile at them, causing Lavender to faint. Draco licked his lips and started pulling of Harry's boxers when……………

"Gargh!"

Argus Filch sat up on his bed, yawning. He had an obviously annoyed expression on his face. He grunted and started holding up his clenched fist in the air, a vein popping out of his forehead. Mrs. Norris must've heard him, 'meowed' and hopped up on his bed to his lap, but she was quickly tossed out of the window.

We could almost hear a loud screeching kitty sound slowly fading away in the background.

Mr. Filch mumbled something incoherent and pulled the covers over his head. He yawned and tried to fall into deep sleep again, hoping that he could catch up on his 'dream'.

-end-