Mary-Sues

Facing Mary-Sues was always a dangerous business. Liz had seen many different types over the months she'd been working with the organisation. She knew how violent they could become within a few seconds.

She slid down the grassy slope, arms outstretched to keep her balance. Speed was of the essence. Once the girl got too far, it was much harder to erase memories without causing problems later on. On one of her first missions she had been a little enthusiastic and erased a little too much of Legolas' memory. When the next troop of Orcs came along they had all been in grave danger because he had forgotten how to shoot. It was a mistake she was keen not to repeat.

Liz vaulted down the final stretch into the ditch. She landed lightly absorbing the impact into a crouch. She looked up through the foliage and saw the Fellowship standing about arguing. The Mary-Sue was obviously winding her reel in even closer. Legolas was now following her blindly like a dog on a leash. She cringed slightly out of pity. The humiliation of being entrapped so easily was almost painful.

Dave landed beside her and followed her gaze up to the main track.

"Do you have a plan?" he whispered.

"Yeah..." Liz's quick eyes scanned around the area. "There's nothing special about this one, I don't think she's even that dangerous. Plan A should be sufficient."

Dave nodded glancing around to suss out the environment.

"Are you distracting or catching?" he asked. Liz eyed the Mary-Sue up and down.

"Distracting" she hissed back. "She's quite a bit taller than I am." Dave nodded

"Hurry up then. We've got to be quick before they spot us here."

Liz nodded and forced her way into the bushes, out of sight.

Dave waited in the ditch, his legs beginning to feel a bit cramped. He stretched them out one at a time, desperately trying to keep the circulation flowing. He kept his eyes rooted on the Fellowship and willed Liz to hurry up.

On the other side of the road, Liz forced her way through the foliage until she was right next to the path. She couldn't see Dave at all, his uniform carefully blending in with the surrounding camouflage. She took a deep breath and stepped out onto the path. Instantly ten pairs of eyes turned to stare suspiciously at her.

"Good day to you kind sirs" she called approaching quickly. "Could you possibly tell me where I am, I seem to have lost my way."

Instantly the Mary-Sue had grabbed Legolas's bow and was aiming an arrow straight at Liz.

"Stay back!" she warned, her voice sweet like honey, but with a hidden menace like an enraged traffic warden.

"Take one more step, and I will kill you instantly. I am as skilled with a bow as Legolas here." Legolas meekly allowed himself to be presented, then he scuttled back out of sight.

Liz tried to keep herself calm and thinking quickly. The presence of an arrow pointing at her chest didn't help. Where was Dave? What was taking so long? She had to keep the Mary-Sue distracted. Must keep her talking.

"Really?" she faked surprise. "I thought that the female anatomy made it physically impossible to be as good as men at archery. Better than untalented men perhaps, but I didn't think we had the muscular strength in our arms to pull back the long bow as far as it is needed. I'm sure other parts get in the way as well." she argued glancing briefly at the girl's voluptuous chest. The Mary-Sue was getting angry now.

"I am Mary Sue!" she screeched. Liz stifled a yawn. That name was so unoriginal.

"I can do all things, all you're going to do is die!" She pulled back the arrow further and prepared to release it. Liz glanced around anxiously. Where was Dave? This was getting a little too dangerous for comfort.

Suddenly, a grey blur emerged from the foliage and attacked Mary Sue. She screamed and released the arrow. Liz flung herself into the mud as the arrow sped over her head. She picked herself up and ran over to Dave who was struggling to keep her down. Liz grabbed a pair of handcuffs from her belt and knelt on the struggling figure as she fastened her hands together.

"You cut that a bit fine" she told Dave indignantly. "Next time, you try making conversation on the wrong side of an arrow." Dave didn't answer. Mary Sue raised her head slightly and started abusing Liz.

"You'll never get anywhere in life" she ranted. "Look at yourself, you look like something the cat dragged in." Liz looked at her mudsplattered uniform and wiped a steak of mud from her face. Her hair was escaping in large chestnut tufts.

"That's because I've just jumped in the mud to avoid your arrow" Liz answered sarcastically. Dave laughed

"Since when have you ever cared what you look like? Ignore her Liz, you look as bad as normal." Liz focused on fixing the handcuffs tightly, her eyes pricking slightly. Did Dave mean to sound that cruel? Surely not.

"What are you doing?" Legolas seemed to find his voice again. "What are you doing to her?" Dave got up and hauled Mary Sue to her feet. The girl's face was red and angry, there was mud splattered everywhere. She was screeching and swearing at the top of her voice. Didn't look so perfect anymore.

"We're taking her away" he said. "Don't worry anymore, just continue on your quest." He hauled Mary Sue around the corner and into the bushes, scooping up the deserted high-heeled shoe as he went. Liz was talking into the comlink.

"Ok Sarita, we're nearly ready to come back. I'm just going to erase the memories."

She took the memory eraser from her belt and stepped up to each member of the Fellowship in turn. She flashed the bright light into each of their eyes, watching their angry and confused expressions turn blank.

Each member of the Fellowship blinked a few times and wondered what had just happened. They saw a strange mud-splattered girl with the remains of a chestnut ponytail stepping into the bush. Suddenly the bush glowed a bright light, then faded back to normal. They looked at each other in confusion. This kept happening. People in grey/green uniforms suddenly appearing and stepping out of sight, followed by a bright light. It was getting beyond a joke now.

"Must be the influence of the ring" Gandalf expressed on behalf of everyone. "The sooner we destroy it, the better." The Fellowship shrugged and continued trudging down the path.

Back at base, Dave and Liz stepped off the portal still holding the struggling, angry Mary-Sue. There was a woman from the "Recovery" department waiting with a clipboard.

"Any problems?" she asked, filling in the date and time.

"No" Dave replied. Liz glared at him, but remained silent.

"Right, let's get the basics completed" the woman continued. "Name?"

"Mary Sue" replied Liz with a wry smile. The woman sighed.

"Not again. Can't they come up with a more original name? Well she'll have to be Mary Sue_289 so that the records don't get confused. Place?"

"Near Hollin" Dave answered.

"And Target?" the woman finished.

"Legolas, of course" Mary Sue answered for herself, swinging her hair out of her eyes. "You don't think I'd go for anyone else?"

The woman sighed and took Mary Sue by the arm.

"I really don't understand why you lot keep trying to mess up the Fellowship" she clucked like a mother hen. She escorted the girl out of the door and out of sight.

Dave turned to Liz and stretched out his arms with a yawn.

"That went well. You hungry?" Liz scowled at him then stormed off towards the door.

Dave looked puzzled. He followed and grabbed her shoulder, forcing her to face him.

"What's wrong?" he asked. Liz placed her hands on her hips angrily.

"Oh nothing really" she said sarcastically. "Just had an arrow pointed in my face by an angry Mary-Sue whilst my partner has a quick snooze in the ditch. I don't even get an apology or an explanation why it took so long to tackle her. After that I get insulted about my appearance. I'm sorry, but I'm not a Mary-Sue, I don't spend hours keeping my hair perfect." Dave sighed.

"She was in the wrong position, I couldn't get her any earlier. I'm sorry. And I didn't think you normally care about what you look like."

"I didn't...don't" Liz hurriedly corrected herself. She met Dave's eyes and blushed, lowering her gaze "I just don't want to look a mess all the time... and no girl likes being told that they look a state." Dave hadn't seen it from that point of view

"I'm sorry" he admitted honestly. "Alright?"

Liz glanced at the floor and nodded slightly. She still looked a bit upset.

"You coming to eat?" Dave asked. Liz shook her head.

"I don't fancy grey sludge right now" she replied. "...and I don't have an arrangement with the kitchen staff." She turned and left. Dave sighed and made his way towards the canteen.

A couple of hours later, Dave made his way back to the command centre. He saw Liz had already arrived, she was laughing with Sarita. As he joined them, Liz smiled up at him. He was glad to see she was no longer angry. That was a good thing about Liz, her moods never lasted long.

"Right" Sarita instructed. "Now we're all here, I'd better fill you in on this Mary-Sue. This is an extremely unusual case. According to the data she hasn't arrived yet, we can tell by the friction here and here..." She pointed to groups of figures on the monitors. "That a window will open here in about 20 minutes time. We don't normally get this much warning so this girl must be either very powerful or very confused. If we can get you there right away, you can catch her unawares when she arrives. It will make it much easier, I'm sure."

Dave agreed and headed towards the portal, Liz followed him quickly.

The transportation was quick and painless. They emerged in a field on the edge of the shire. Dave looked around the cornfield, it was deserted except for a scarecrow.

"This one must be after Frodo or Sam" he commented as he sat down to wait.

Liz plonked herself down next to him.

"Probably Frodo" she said turning her face up to the warm sunlight. She was silent for a moment as if thinking about something.

"Do you know how the timing works?" she asked at last.

"What timing?" Dave replied.

"Well, the Fellowship think that they are on one continuous journey, but this morning we stopped a girl at Hollin, yesterday we had the psychopath on Caradhras, and now we've jumped to the Shire, events that took place months earlier on their timeline." Dave thought for a moment. He'd never really thought about it before.

"It is a bit strange." he admitted. "But I think of it as a totally different universe we look down on and can enter at any point in their time. It's not really connected to our time, except of course the amount of time we spend here is the same as passes with Sarita at home..." he cut off, realising he wasn't really making sense. "I bet Sarita can explain it better, ask her when we get back."

Liz lay down in amongst the golden corn and stared up into the blue sky.

"I'm not that desperate." she murmured sleepily.

Dave picked a strand of corn and plucked the grains off one by one.

"I have to admit that I'm glad we don't normally know when Mary-Sue's are going to appear" he said lazily. "Just sitting, waiting gets really boring."

"Why," Liz asked. "Because you realise you have no conversational skills?"

Dave smiled grimly.

"Very funny," he said. "Fine, my turn for a philosophical question now. Do you think brainwashing the Fellowship permanently affects them?"

Liz thought for a moment.

"Perhaps.." she contributed slowly. "Actually, I think it does, look at it from this direction. The two that get their memories cleared the most often are Legolas and Frodo. 90% of the time those two seem to be staring dreamily into space. I think we probably kill a few braincells each time." Dave threw the empty corn stick to the ground and picked another.

"That's what I thought" he added. "Do you think we should do it so often then?"

Liz sat up and dusted bits of stems off her jacket.

"If we don't brainwash them, they'll be stuck with the memories of what the Mary-Sues did to them" she concluded "That's much worse than losing a few braincells. No one seems to notice anyway."

Suddenly the comlink started bleeping. Dave grabbed it and heard Sarita warning that the Mary-Sue was about to arrive. Liz pointed at the corner of the field near the scarecrow. The view seemed to twist open as if some powerful force was unscrewing a bottle lid. In the middle a black vortex materialised, streaks of colourful light shot out and danced across the field. A powerful wind started rushing from the centre. Dave and Liz stood side by side, mouths open in surprise, their hair flying about their faces. They had never seen a Mary-Sue actually arrive before, it was quite impressive.

Suddenly a small girl flew out of the black vortex followed by a fluffy purple wolf with wings. The vortex faded away and the field returned to normal.

Dave and Liz strode over to the Mary-Sue, who couldn't have been more than 12.

"Hi" Dave called casually. "Who are you, what are you doing here?" He could hardly believe that Mary-Sues were getting this young.

The girl stared up at them nervously with wide blue eyes. She was obviously terrified, certainly not the stereotypical Mary-Sue.

"My name's Louella-Grace" she stammered. "I..I just wanted to see Frodo."

"I'm afraid you can't" Liz soothed. "He's a bit busy at the moment, why don't you come with us." The girl looked unsure for a moment then took Liz's outstretched hand. Dave turned to look at the fluffy purple wolf with wings, trying not to laugh.

"Ahhh, what a sweet pet, what is he called?" he asked patronisingly, reaching out a hand to stroke it. The pet snarled and snapped at his hand, sharp white teeth sank into his little finger. Dave gave a cry, snatched his hand back in a hurry and inspected the damage. A few drops of blood welled up and he glared fiercely at the purple monstrosity as it hovered to rest loyally on its owners shoulder.

"He's called Fluffy" Louella-Grace replied. Liz pulled a reasonably clean tissue from the multitude in her pocket and gave it to Dave with a smile.

"Told you they'd come in useful!" she said, trying hard not to crack up as she requested portal pickup.

Dave was extremely glad to hand the little girl and her vicious purple brute over to the "Recovery team" His warnings about the creature's temperament were met with laughter.

"But he's so sweet!" the woman smiled, leading the girl away. As he headed off, he heard a snap and a cry of pain. A knowing smile fleeted across his face.

He was aiming for the common room, his hand bandaged conspicuously for maximum sympathy, when he heard his name being called urgently. He turned to see Sarita waving desperately.

"Dave, Liz, I know you've officially finished your shift, but we've got an emergency."

Liz rolled her eyes skywards and sighed. She had been hoping for a relaxing evening.

"What is it? Can't you get someone else to do it?" Dave replied wearily.

"No, they're all unavailable" came Sarita's desperate reply.

"Well...can't it wait till morning? Surely Legolas can survive one night with a Mary-Sue, we'll just increase the power of the memory eraser."

"Noo.. you don't understand." Sarita was almost frantic. "We haven't got much time. This one isn't after Legolas, she's after Aragorn..."

"Makes a change" Dave interrupted casually.

"Will you listen to me for one moment!" Sarita shouted. Dave and Liz were silent at once. They exchanged a puzzled look, they couldn't remember the last time she had yelled at them. Sarita took a deep breath.

"This Mary-Sue is a complete psychopath, worse than the one you dealt with yesterday on Caradhras. She's heading for Rivendell now." Sarita looked at the other two for a reaction.

"Don't you see?" she continued. "She's going to murder Arwen."

There was a split second as this news slowly sank in. Then as one, Liz and Dave turned and raced for the portal. This was a race against time...

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The little girl was fun to write about, especially her vicious pet! Notice the dangers the Wardens have to face in order to keep Middle Earth safe from the most terrifying enemy yet!

Unlike the PPC - I don't kill Mary-Sues. I think murder is a bit too strong… but they certainly can't be left to their own devices. All Mary-Sues are immediately met by a representative from the "Recovery" department, where they are taken for "treatment." Only authorised people are allowed down there. There's an awful lot of security and secretive blacked out windows. No one except for the workers knows exactly what happens to the Mary-Sues… and they're not telling! Perhaps it's like room 101 in the book "Nineteen Eighty-four"!!