Disclaimer: My Fair Lady is obviously not mine.
Warning: If the thought of Higgins and Pickering having a somewhat bizarre affair bothers you, don't read this. This is (as I hope you will all realize) not meant to be taken seriously.
A Highly Illicit Rendezvous by Marauder
One night, Pickering entered the library in some rather interesting apparel.
"Pickering! You're wearing a negligee!"
His eyes shone. "I always wear one while seducing phonetics experts. Do you like it?"
"The glided lace is a tad gauche."
"Damn. The men in India found it quite fetching."
"Well, it has a certain brothel appeal. In fact, now that you mention it, I find it rather attractive, in a tawdry sort of way." A very tawdry sort of way.
"Would you like me to enlighten you with my knowledge of the Kama Sutra?"
"Oh, I love it when I see that seductive gleam in your eye!"
"I have longed to taste your pleasures ever since I first laid my eyes upon your egotistical, elitist, presumptuous personage."
"And I have desired to succumb to your bold advances ever since I first beheld your succulent posterior."
"Oh Higgins!"
"Pickering!"
"Higgins!"
"Pickering!"
"Promise me you will never forsake me for that blasted harlot Eliza."
"That wretched wench? Never. I could never bestow my carnal bliss upon someone whose primary expressions consist of 'Aoow!' and 'Garn!'" Besides, Pickering also knew where to find the best women's clothing in London. What more could one want in a man?
"Let us speak no more of her tonight."
"Oh Pickering, torture me no longer! Ravish me, you godlike creature!"
"Higgins!"
"Pickering!"
"Higgins!"
"Pickering!"
"Oh Higgins, you have such a large, firm, pulsating…knowledge of linguistics."
"And you have such a rounded, cultivated, smooth…military record."
"All the men under me in the service said the same thing."
"Oh Pickering…yes…yes…oh, WHY CAN'T A WOMAN BE MORE LIKE A MAN!"
Suddenly, they realized that the maids were standing on the stairs. "Bravoooooo…" sang the maids. "Bravoooooo…bravo."
The End