THE INDIAN
A Seinfeld fan fiction script
by
Joel G. Gomes
Cell-phone number: 91 877 25 96
Address: Rua de Angola, 48 1ยบ dto
2835-107 Baixa da Banheira
E-mail(s): joel_gomes2002@yahoo.com
gomes_joel@hotmail.com
September 2002
INT. AMY'S BEDROOM. NIGHT
DARKNESS.
JERRY AND AMY ARE UNDER THE SHEETS.
AMY MOANS AND SCREAMS.
AFTER A WHILE, IT STOPS.
JERRY TURNS THE LIGHT ON.
AMY
What's wrong?
JERRY
I'm sorry. I can't go on.
CUT TO:
INT. MONK'S. DAY
JERRY, GEORGE AND KRAMER ARE HAVING BREAKFAST.
KRAMER IS DISTURBLING QUIET.
GEORGE
How are things between you and Amy?
JERRY
Not very well, actually. She says I'm too fast.
GEORGE
Too fast for what?
JERRY
She says she doesn't have time to do anything.
GEORGE
What d'you mean "anything"?
JERRY
It's not my fault! By the time she's reaching the best part I've already left!
GEORGE
Oh! I see...
KRAMER
How long do you take?
JERRY
I don't know. The usual, I guess. I never used a chronometer to check the time.
GEORGE
Perhaps you should consider that.
JERRY
Yeah, perhaps.
KRAMER
What about her?
JERRY
I'm not sure. An hour maybe. I never saw anything actually. I can only go as far as thirty minutes. That's the best I can do.
GEORGE
So how do you know that she takes an hour to be pleased?
JERRY
It's just speculation. You see, she used to go out with Nick Frenz.
GEORGE
Nick Frenz. Hey! I remember him! We went to college with us, right?
JERRY
Yeah.
GEORGE
I haven't seen him in ears! How is he? How is he?
JERRY
He's an alcoholic now. He started drinking in order to reduce is timing but the time lapse was too big. But anyway, he said that his best time containing was forty-five minutes.
GEORGE
"Containing"?
JERRY
What's wrong with "containing"?
KRAMER
Maybe it's not her problem.
JERRY
What d'you mean?
KRAMER
I mean that maybe it is you who's too fast for her normal speed.
JERRY
But her normal speed is too slow for me!
KRAMER
You have to try and be slower than what she is and she has to be faster than what you are. Then and only then shall you two have a well-balanced and mutually sexual satisfactory relationship.
GEORGE
Where the hell did you come up with that?
KRAMER
It's part of my new philosophy of life.
JERRY
Is that your new theory?
KRAMER
No. You mean I haven't told you yet?
JERRY
Told what?
KRAMER
Yesterday I got a letter from the NANAD.
JERRY AND GEORGE DON'T HAVE A CLUE.
KRAMER
You know! National Association of Native American Descendants!
JERRY
Oh!
GEORGE
Right! NANAD!
JERRY
And that is...?
KRAMER
Indians, Jerry! Indians! According to the letter my great great grandfather was Cheyenne. And now they want me to be a part of their group.
JERRY
To do what?
KRAMER
I don't know.
GEORGE
Maybe it's like one of those clubs you have to wear a special outfit to get in.
JERRY
Like that "hat-with-feathers".
GEORGE
I always wanted to wear one of those! (TO KRAMER) Are you allowed to wear one?
KRAMER
I don't know yet.
JERRY
So, what're you planning on doing?
KRAMER
Well, for a start I bought an Indian pipe and I'm organizing a smoking session tonight.
JERRY
Again? Kramer, you remember what happened the last time you decided to do that? You wanna go through all that again?
KRAMER
Things will be different this time.
JERRY
And why is that?
KRAMER
I'll keep my windows open.
JERRY
The windows are not the problem. It's your teeth. They're gonna get all brown again.
KRAMER
I admit there's a slight chance of that happening. So I took some precautions.
GEORGE
Like what?
KRAMER
I bought ten boxes of whitener.
CUT TO:
INT. J. PETERMAN'S OFFICE. DAY
PETERMAN IS WATCHING A CATALOG. HE IS VERY FOCUSED.THERE'S A LIGHT KNOCK ON THE DOOR.
PETERMAN
(CONTINUES READING) Come in.
THE DOOR OPENS AND ELAINE ENTERS.
ELAINE
You wanted to see me, Mr. Peterman?
PETERMAN
(STILL READING) Close the door please, Elaine.
ELAINE CLOSES THE DOOR.
PETERMAN PUTS THE CATALOG DOWN.
PETERMAN
Elaine, do you know what stagnation is? It's that nasty feeling that gives you the impression that your life has reached the bottom of monotony's river. It's what makes you feel that everything you do is always the same. Every-single-day-of-your-life. Stagnation is routine and I hate routine, Elaine. I hate it. It keeps us restrained. Doesn't allow us to develop. Expanding to new horizons!
ELAINE
Uh...
PETERMAN
(GRABS THE CATALOG) Elaine, I think this catalog is reaching stagnation at his worst and so are the people working on it. Like me, for example. I'm stagnating. I have to admit that to myself. But I want to change that course of events. I want new ideas for the next catalog, not old ideas with a new outfit. No. I want something fresh, original.
ELAINE
Like what?
PETERMAN
That's what I want you to find out.
ELAINE
Me?
PETERMAN
Yes. I know you can do it, Elaine. (OPENS THE CATALOG) See this? Now, can you tell me that you're not capable of doing something far more better than this?
ELAINE
Well, actually it was me who did that.
PETERMAN
You understand me now? You mustn't allow yourself to stagnate. You can go now.
ELAINE TURNS TO THE DOOR.
PETERMAN
Besides, I know very well that your IQ is 145.
ELAINE STOPS AND TURNS BACK.
ELAINE
How do you know that?
PETERMAN
I saw it in your file.
ELAINE
Oh!
CUT TO:
INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT. DAY
JERRY AND ELAINE ARE ON THE COUCH WATCHING TV.
JERRY
How did he know about your IQ?
ELAINE
I don't know. He told me he saw it on my file.
JERRY
What file?
ELAINE
I don't know what file. I didn't even know I had a file!
JERRY
Well, I guess a big business man like him has to take his precautions.
ELAINE
And that allows him to check into my personal life?
JERRY
Who knows? Maybe he thought you were a spy from a rival company, y'know?
ELAINE
How could he possibly think that? We work together for so long!
JERRY
I know you longer than him and I still get surprised from time to time.
ELAINE
Wha-
KRAMER BURSTS IN.
KRAMER
Hey! Hi, Elaine.
ELAINE
Hi.
JERRY
Hello there, Great Chief.
KRAMER
Uh... listen. Do you have any matches? I can't find any in my apartment.
JERRY
I'd be surprised if you were able to find anything there.
KRAMER
Well?
JERRY
(GETS UP) I think so.
JERRY WALKS TO THE KITCHEN.
KRAMER TAKES JERRY'S SEAT AND GRABS THE REMOTE.
JERRY OPENS THE KITCHEN DRAWER AND TAKES OUT A BOX OF MATCHES.
JERRY
(THROWS THE MATCHES TO KRAMER) Here! Catch!
KRAMER CATCHES THE MATCHES.
KRAMER
Thank you, pale face.
ELAINE
Why do you need the matches for, Kramer? You're not gonna play with them, are you?
KRAMER
No. They're for my initiation.
ELAINE
Initiation of what?
JERRY
He found out that his great great grandfather was Cheyenne.
KRAMER
Yeah, I'm a member of NANAD.
ELAINE DOESN'T HAVE A CLUE.
JERRY
(MOUTHS) Indians.
ELAINE
Oh! Right! NANAD... And this... NANAD only has Cheyenne?
KRAMER
No, there are also Cherokee and Sioux and... many others.
JERRY
How many people are there?
KRAMER
Four. If you include me.
ELAINE
Wait a minute! Wait a minute! That's it!
JERRY
What?
ELAINE
This! This could be the idea for the catalog!
JERRY
Indians?
ELAINE
Why not? Peterman told me he wanted something fresh and original and this fits perfectly.
JERRY
But Indian lifestyle has been gone for more than a century.
ELAINE
Indian lifestyle is one the basic roots of the contemporary American way of life.
JERRY
That's what I'm saying. It's deeply underground.
KRAMER
(TO ELAINE) You wanna come to my smoking session?
ELAINE
I'll think about it. What time does it start?
KRAMER
Nine thirty.
ELAINE
Okay.
KRAMER
(GETS UP AND WALKS TO THE DOOR) I'll tell you what. If you come I'm gonna let you be my squaw.
KRAMER EXITS.
JERRY
You really want to go to his smoking session?
ELAINE
I have to. Otherwise, Peterman will fire me.
JERRY
So what? It wouldn't be the first time.
ELAINE
Just because it's something usual doesn't mean I have to like it.
CUT TO:
INT. MONK'S. NIGHT
JERRY AND GEORGE ARE HAVING DINNER.
GEORGE
So... is Kramer really doing his smoking session tonight?
JERRY
Yeah. It should begin in approximately (CHECKS HIS WATCH) one hour.
GEORGE
You know, I still can't believe this. Who would have thought that Kramer is a direct descendant from one of the most ancient cultures in American history?
JERRY
I know I wouldn't.
ELAINE COMES IN AND JOINS THEM.
ELAINE
Hya there. (TO A WAITRESS) I'd like some coffee, please.
JERRY
You're going to Kramer's smoking session?
ELAINE
Uh uh. I just stopped by to get a cup of coffee. Kramer called me, y'know? Told me it's supposed to last all night long.
JERRY
You really believe that this is going to help you?
GEORGE
Help her with what?
ELAINE
With my catalog.
GEORGE
What catalog?
ELAINE
Mr. Peterman wants something fresh.
GEORGE
And you've chosen Indians? Indians are not fresh, they're relics.
JERRY
That's what I've told her. Listen Elaine, you're gonna be in a smoking session with four guys. Including Kramer. You'll start to smoke, then you'll make yourself comfortable. At a certain point you'll begin to see pink elephants. And even if somehow you're manage to keep your conscience and stop yourself from dancing, there's always a slight chance that you'll wake tomorrow morning with an enormous headache, turn your head and wonder "Who the hell is this guy?"
ELAINE
That's not gonna happen, okay?
THE WAITRESS BRINGS ELAINE'S COFFEE.
JERRY
We'll see about that.
GEORGE
I just realized something. I'm the only one not under Kramer's influence.
JERRY
That should mean something.
GEORGE
Yeah, it should. (TO JERRY) By the way, how's your thing?
JERRY
I'm gonna try something tonight.
GEORGE
What're you gonna do?
JERRY
I'll try to reduce my timing. I need something strong to slow me down but not too strong that can put me to sleep.
ELAINE
You're talking about Amy?
GEORGE
You know her?
ELAINE
She used to work on Pendleton.
GEORGE
How come I don't remember her?
ELAINE
She was after your time.
GEORGE
I didn't stay there much time anyway.
JERRY
What're you doing tonight?
GEORGE
I don't know. Go to the movies. I heard there's a theater nearby replaying "ROCHELLE, ROCHELLE".
JERRY
Ah...! "ROCHELLE, ROCHELLE". A young woman's strange, erotic journey from Milan to Minsk.
ELAINE FINISHES HER COFFEE AND GETS UP.
ELAINE
Well, I'm going!
JERRY
Elaine, are you really aware of the consequences?
ELAINE
Jerry, stop worrying! Nothing's gonna happen!
ELAINE WALKS AWAY.
JERRY
I hope not.
GEORGE
I don't think any good will come from that.
JERRY
Do you think I like vodka?
GEORGE
How the hell should I know if you like vodka?
JERRY
Well, you know me. Perhaps you could tell me what kind of effect it could have on me.
GEORGE
I guess it would have the same effect it has on everyone else. It either makes you drunk or puts you to sleep. You're gonna use it?
JERRY
Possibly. (CHECKS HIS WATCH) I guess I'll be going. (GETS UP)
GEORGE
Where?
JERRY
Home. I've got a bottle on my refrigerator.
GEORGE
You're gonna drink it now?
JERRY
I have to drink it before Amy arrives. Cause if she drinks it my plan of compensating timing will be blown away.
GEORGE
You're gonna leave me here?
JERRY
I thought you were going to see "ROCHELLE, ROCHELLE".
GEORGE
I am. But it's a quarter to nine. The movie only starts at ten o'clock. What am I gonna do in the meantime? Sit here?
JERRY
Why not? It's what you do all the time.
GEORGE
I know. But it's different when you're alone.
JERRY
I'm sorry to disappoint you my friend, but I really have to be going.
GEORGE
Fine. Go ahead.
JERRY LEAVES THE COFFEE SHOP.
GEORGE STARTS TAPPING HIS FINGERS ON THE TABLE. AFTER A WHILE HE GETS TIRED AND STARTS TAPPING ON HIS PLATE WITH HIS FORK. THEN HE GRABS HIS KNIFE.
HE'S ALMOST GETTING IN THE MOOD WHEN FROM OUT OF NOWHERE A PIECE OF BREAD COMES FLYING AND HITS HIM ON THE HEAD.
MAN (O. S.)
Shut up!
GEORGE STOPS. HE LOOKS AROUND, CHECKS HIS WATCH. BEGINS TAPPING AGAIN WITH HIS FINGERS ON THE TABLE. STOPS.
GEORGE GETS UP AND LEAVES.
CUT TO:
INT. JERRY'S BUILDING. HALL. NIGHT
ELAINE KNOCKS ON KRAMER'S DOOR. THE DOOR OPENS AND KRAMER SHOWS UP.
KRAMER
Hey! Come on in! You're just in time. We were about to begin.
ELAINE ENTERS AND SHE IS SHOCKED WITH WHAT SHE SEES.
KRAMER'S APARTMENT HAS BEEN REARRANGED AND IT HAS A SMALL INDIAN TENT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE LIVING ROOM.
KRAMER ENTERS THE TENT AND SIGNALS ELAINE TO FOLLOW HER.
ELAINE DOES SO.
THERE ARE THREE MEN INSIDE, SITTING ON THE FLOOR WITH THEIR LEGS CROSSED.
ALL THE INDIAN DESCENDANTS ARE WEARING SUITS AND TIES. EXCEPT FOR KRAMER WHO IS WEARING A CEREMONIAL OUTFIT, WITH THE "HAT-WITH-FEATHERS" INCLUDED.
KRAMER
Hey guys, this is Elaine. Elaine, (POINTS TO THE THREE MEN) There's Alex, Fred and Ben. Ben is a Mohican.
ELAINE
Hi...
CUT TO:
INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT. NIGHT
JERRY IS SITTING ON THE COUCH HOLDING A BOTTLE AND A GLASS.
HE SLOWLY POURS SOME VODKA ON THE GLASS.
HE LOOKS AT THE LIQUID. SMELLS IT. DOESN'T LIKE THE SMELL.
HE TAKES A DEEP BREATH AND WITHOUT BREATHING OUT HE DRINKS IT.
CUT TO:
INT. KRAMER'S APARTMENT. NIGHT
THE PLACE IS NOW FULL OF SMOKE.
ELAINE AND ALEX ARE OUTSIDE THE TENT. THEY'RE SITTING ON THE COUCH.
ALEX
So then I went to Economy. You know, I always tell this to people: economy can be a very funny world once you're in it. All the numbers and graphics and files and-
ELAINE GETS UP AND WALKS TO THE TENT.
ALEX
Where are you going?
ELAINE
(WITHOUT LOOKING BACK) I need a cigar...
CUT TO:
INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT. NIGHT
JERRY POURS DOWN THE REST OF THE VODKA.
JERRY
Oh! Here it goes!
HE DRINKS IT.
JERRY
Uh... This is really something! I've never felt so great in my life! Yyyyhaaaa!
THE BUZZER SOUNDS.
JERRY GETS UP AND WALKS TO THE DOOR.
HE OPENS THE DOOR. THERE'S NO ONE THERE.
THE BUZZER SOUNDS AGAIN. JERRY PRESSES THE BUTTON.
JERRY
Hello?
AMY (V. O.)
It's Amy.
JERRY
Who?
AMY
Amy.
JERRY THINKS FOR A SECOND.
JERRY
Okay. Come on up.
JERRY WALKS BACK TO THE COUCH. HE GRABS THE EMPTY BOTTLE AND THE GLASS AND HE TAKES THEM TO THE KITCHEN.
HE OPENS THE REFRIGERATOR AND PUTS THE BOTTLE AND GLASS THERE.
JERRY PRODUCES A PACK OF GUM FROM HIS POCKET AND PUTS A GUM ON HIS MOUTH.
HE RETURNS TO THE COUCH.
AMY ENTERS THE APARTMENT.
AMY
Hi.
JERRY
Hi.
THEY KISS.
AMY
How come you didn't remember me?
JERRY
Just kidding.
THEY KISS AGAIN.
AMY
Hmm! Strawberry!
CUT TO:
EXT. THEATER. NIGHT
GEORGE IS ON THE LINE WAITING TO BUY HIS TICKET.
THERE ARE ONLY TWO PEOPLE IN FRONT OF HIM.
FINALLY IT IS HIS TURN.
GEORGE
Hi. I'd like a ticket to "ROCHELLE ROCHELL", please.
TICKET SELLER
A young woman's strange, erotic journey from Milan to Minsk?
GEORGE
Yes.
TICKET SELLER
Sorry. I just sold the last two tickets.
GEORGE
Oh...
CUT TO:
INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT. NIGHT
AMY AND JERRY ARE MAKING OUT ON THE COUCH.
AMY
I'll try to be faster this time, okay?
JERRY
Okay...
JERRY STARTS TO KISS HER NECK.
AMY
I mean, I realized that I have a problem and that is causing you a lot of trouble. But I'm willing to do my best to work this thing out. What d'you think?
NO ANSWER.
AMY
Jerry?
WE BEGIN TO HEAR A SNORING.
AMY
Jerry!
AMY TRIES TO WAKE HIM UP BUT IT'S NO USE. HE'S COMPLETELY KNOCKED OUT.
AMY GETS UP AND LEAVES THE APARTMENT.
CUT TO:
INT. KRAMER'S APARTMENT. NIGHT
ELAINE IS INSIDE THE TENT WITH KRAMER, ALEX, FRED AND BEN.
THEY ARE SHARING A PIPE.
THEIR VOICES ARE DISTORTED.
THE ONLY CLEAR SOUND THAT WE HEAR IS THE SOUND OF ELAINE'S LAUGHTER WHENEVER SOMEONE SAYS SOMETHING.
CUT TO:
INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT. DAY
JERRY WAKES UP. HE STRETCHES HIMSELF AND SCRATCHES HIS HEAD.
JERRY
Oh! My head...!
SLOWLY, JERRY GETS UP AND WALKS TO THE BATHROOM.
CUT TO:
INT. MONK'S. DAY
JERRY AND GEORGE ARE HAVING COFFEE.
JERRY
So, did you like the movie or what?
GEORGE
Ah... It's okay.
JERRY
You didn't see it, did you?
GEORGE
No.
JERRY
(TAKES A SIP OF HIS COFFEE) I thought so.
GEORGE
What about Amy? Did it work?
JERRY
Well, basically... yes.
GEORGE
What happened?
JERRY
I don't know exactly but I know my plan of compensating timing worked out perfectly. This time, I was slower than she was.
GEORGE
You mean, you fell asleep?
JERRY
Yes. Damn that vodka!
ELAINE ENTERS THE COFFEE SHOP.
SHE WALKS TO THEIR TABLE AND SITS.
NO WORDS ARE SPOKEN.
JERRY DECIDES TO BREAK THE AWKWARD SILENCE.
JERRY
A-
ELAINE
Stop it! Just stop it! Don't you dare to say a word!
JERRY
I didn't say anything!
ELAINE
And you better not say it.
JERRY
What's the matter?
ELAINE
I went to Kramer's party last night. Everything was fine until I started to smoke. I don't know whata hell that was but it sure was strong!
GEORGE
Then what happened?
ELAINE
I don't remember. All I know is that this morning I woke up on Kramer's bed. (CONT.)
JERRY AND GEORGE EXCHANGE LOOKS.
ELAINE
(CONT.) With Kramer lying there half-naked.
JERRY
You don't think...?
ELAINE
I don't remember! But if it happened, I prefer not to know.
GEORGE
Well... I have to say that you're predication was wrong in one thing, Jerry.
JERRY
What?
GEORGE
She didn't have to wonder who was the guy next to her.
JERRY
That's true. (TO ELAINE) What did you do then?
ELAINE
Then, I took a shower, I got dressed and came here.
GEORGE
What about Kramer? Did he see you?
ELAINE
No. He was still sleeping when I left.
JERRY
Do you think he remembers?
ELAINE
I don't think so and I really prefer if things remain that way, okay?
JERRY
Fine.
GEORGE
No problem.
CUT TO:
INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT. DAY
JERRY AND ELAINE ARE WATCHING TV.
JERRY
What about your catalog? Any ideas?
ELAINE
I have until tomorrow to think of something.
KRAMER ENTERS. HE'S STILL DIZZY.
KRAMER
Hey...
ELAINE
Hello...
JERRY
Hey! So, how was it?
KRAMER
I think it was okay. I really can't remember that much. (TO ELAINE) How come you never showed up?
ELAINE
You don't remember what happened last night?
KRAMER
No.
ELAINE
That's a shame.
KRAMER
Why is that a shame?
ELAINE
Er...
JERRY
What about your club? You're gonna move to a reserve or what?
KRAMER
Well... not exactly.
JERRY
What happened?
KRAMER
They kicked me out.
JERRY
Why?
KRAMER
We don't share the same ideals. These descendants... They're are too American.
JERRY
So are you.
ELAINE
Listen Kramer, is there any chance you can get some Indian tools or maybe some clothes?
KRAMER
Sure. What do you want?
ELAINE
Anything.
KRAMER
Okay. Come on.
ELAINE GETS UP.
KRAMER EXITS AND ELAINE FOLLOWS HIM.
JERRY
(YELLS) Don't forget to wear protection this time!
ELAINE CLOSES THE DOOR.
CUT TO:
INT. J. PETERMAN'S OFFICE. DAY
PETERMAN IS AT HIS DESK. THERE'S KNOCK ON THE DOOR.
PETERMAN
Come in.
THE DOOR OPENS AND ELAINE COMES IN. SHE'S CARRYING A BOW, ARROWS, A "HAT-WITH-FEATHERS" AND ALL SORT OF INDIAN THINGS.
ELAINE
Here you go, Mr. Peterman. It's all I could think of.
PETERMAN
Elaine... (GETS UP AND WALKS TOWARDS HER) Elaine!
ELAINE
You don't like it?
PETERMAN
I love it! I always wanted to illustrate this catalog with something truly remarkable like this. Did I ever tell you that my late grandmother was an Indian?
ELAINE
Not that I remember.
PETERMAN
It's a wonderful story, Elaine. Have a seat.
ELAINE DOES SO.
PETERMAN RETURNS TO HIS DESK AND STARTS TALKING.
PETERMAN
I never met my granny, Elaine.
CUT TO:
INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT. DAY
JERRY IS WATCHING TV.
KRAMER BURSTS IN AND GOES TO THE KITCHEN.
JERRY
Did Elaine find anything?
KRAMER
(OPENS THE REFRIGERATOR AND TAKES OUT A SNAPPLE) Yeah. She took a bow and arrows and all the other stuff.
JERRY
So you really don't remember what happened last night, do you?
KRAMER
(OPENS THE SNAPPLE AND DRINKS IT) Most of it, no.
JERRY
You're not faking this memory loss to cover up something, are you?
KRAMER
(PUTS THE EMPTY BOTTLE ON THE SINK) Oh! I never fake.
JERRY
Well, some people fake.
KRAMER WALKS OUT.
KRAMER
I never fake. And I know she didn't fake either.
KRAMER CLOSES THE DOOR.
JERRY IS LEFT ALONE WITH A STUNNED LOOK ON HIS FACE.
CUT TO:
INT. J. PETERMAN'S OFFICE. DAY
PETERMAN IS STILL TALKING.
ELAINE IS TRYING DESPERATELY NOT TO SLEEP.
PETERMAN
Those were tough times I tell you, Elaine. Tough times.
ELAINE
Uh uh.
THE END