THE PET-SHOP
A Seinfeld fan fiction script
by
Joel G. Gomes
Cell–phone number: 91 877 25 96
Address: Rua de Angola, 48 1º dto
2835–107 Baixa da Banheira
E–mail(s): joel_gomes2002@yahoo.com
gomes_joel@hotmail.com
September 2002
INT. COMEDY CLUB. NIGHT
JERRY IS ON STAGE.
JERRY
When I was a kid I always wanted to have a dog. My parents didn't thought it was a very good idea so they bought me a fish instead. At first I felt disappointed. But, nevertheless, I tried to adapt to the fish. The problem was that the fish did not try to adapt to me. Maybe it was because of the fact that I was treating that fish like a dog, y'know? But I didn't care. I took care of him like I would haven taken care of a dog. Imagine an eight year old kid walking around with an aquarium under his arm, throwing sticks and making useless efforts to play Frisbee with it. It didn't turn the fish into a dog but, at least, it gave my parents a message: be careful with what you give to your kid.
CUT TO:
INT. MONK'S. DAY
JERRY, GEORGE AND ELAINE ARE SITTING AT A BOOTH NEXT TO THE WINDOW.
JERRY
Okay. Let me see if I heard you correctly. You used a handicap toilet?
GEORGE
Yeah! So what?
JERRY
I can't believe you did something like that!
GEORGE
I was in a rush, okay?
JERRY
But that's only for handicaps to use!
GEORGE
That's what they tell you, but I never heard anyone saying that normal people couldn't use them.
ELAINE
Are you saying that handicaps are not normal?
JERRY
Not like him, they're not.
GEORGE
What I meant to say was... people in needs.
ELAINE
They have needs too, y'know?
GEORGE
But not like me.
JERRY
Let me ask you this: was it the only stall available?
GEORGE
Not really.
ELAINE
This is unbelievable...
GEORGE
I couldn't resist! It had those sidebars, y'know, that they use to lift themselves up! I tell ya, you have no idea how relaxing it can be to sit there and just do... whatever you have to do.
JERRY
So the fact that there were three handicaps waiting for you to come out of your own private little Eden didn't bother you at all?
GEORGE
Why should that bother me? All the other stalls were free. They could use them if they wanted. I wouldn't mind.
ELAINE
Do you know how sick you are?
GEORGE
Yeah, now that you've mentioned it, I think I have a slight headache.
JERRY
Must be your heavy conscience.
GEORGE
No, it's not that. (GETS UP) I've learned to ignore that pain a long time ago.
JERRY
Where're you going?
GEORGE
I have an appointment.
JERRY
Doctor?
GEORGE
No, for a job.
JERRY
Really? Where?
GEORGE
A hardware company.
JERRY
Hardware? What're you applying for?
GEORGE
Haven't thought of it yet.
JERRY
Well, good luck.
GEORGE
(WALKS AWAY) Thanks.
JERRY AND ELAINE HEAR BARKS COMING FROM THE OUTSIDE.
JERRY
What the hell...?
THEY LOOK THROUGH THE WINDOW AND SEE KRAMER WITH AT LEAST TEN DOGS HOLD BY THE SAME LEASH.
JERRY KNOCKS ON THE GLASS.
KRAMER SEES HIM AND WAVES.
JERRY WAVES BACK.
KRAMER KEEPS ON WALKING. THE BARKS DISAPPEAR INTO THE DISTANCE.
ELAINE
What was that all about?
JERRY
Whatever it was, I'm sure we'll find out soon enough.
ELAINE
So, what're you doing today? You wanna go to the mall?
JERRY
Go to the mall? What am I? A teenage girl?
ELAINE
I thought you like going to the mall.
JERRY
Yeah... That is my natural definition of entertainment. Spending countless hours trying to find something I have no need whatsoever.
ELAINE
You have anything better to do?
JERRY
As a matter of fact, yes. I have a date with Victoria.
ELAINE
What kind of name is that? Victoria.
JERRY
It's a great name! Sounds like... victory! It means she's a winner.
ELAINE
(LAUGHS) Which makes you the looser.
JERRY
Very funny.
ELAINE
Okay. (GETS UP) I'm going by myself.
JERRY
What about Peterman? You're still working there, right?
ELAINE
He gave me the week off.
JERRY
Oh, I see! Because of that catalog?
ELAINE
That's right!
ELAINE WALKS AWAY.
CUT TO:
INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT. DAY
JERY IS WORKING ON HIS COMPUTER. KRAMER COMES IN. WE CAN HEAR BARKS COMING FROM HIS APARTMENT.
KRAMER
Hey, buddy!
KRAMER WALKS TO THE KITCHEN AND CHECKS THE CABINETS.
JERRY
What's up?
KRAMER
You don't happen to have any dog food here, would you?
JERRY
(GETS UP) No.
KRAMER OPENS THE REFRIGERATOR.
JERRY
Didn't I just tell you that I don't have any dog food in here?
KRAMER
Do you have it someplace else?
JERRY
No!
KRAMER
Nevertheless, it's worth checking out.
THE BARKS INCREASE IT'S VOLUME.
JERRY
Are those barks I hear?
KRAMER
Yeah.
JERRY WALKS TO THE KITCHEN AND CLOSES THE REFRIGERATOR. KRAMER LOSES HIS BALANCE AND FALLS.
JERRY
Where did you get all those dogs anyway?
KRAMER
I found them.
JERRY
And you're keeping them in your apartment?
KRAMER
It's just temporary. Once Newman finishes cleaning the shop, they'll be out of here in no time.
JERRY
Did you just mentioned Newman?
KRAMER
Yeah. We're gonna open a pet-shop together.
JERRY
And I thought I saw the last of him when I kicked him from my apartment after our release. You can never dream too high, that's for sure.
KRAMER
Well, the supper told me that once Newman was out he tried to find someone to rent the apartment but no one seemed to be interested.
JERRY
I wonder why.
KRAMER (cont'd)
So he got no option but to call Newman and ask for his return.
JERRY
It's like they say in the movies, desperate times call for desperate actions.
KRAMER
I'm thinking of getting one those signs saying the place is under camera surveillance.
JERRY
Where are you gonna get the camera?
KRAMER
What do I need the camera for? All I need is the sign.
SOMEONE KNOCKS. JERRY OPENS THE DOOR WIDELY TO REVEAL THE SPACE-FILLING PRESENCE OF HIS ARCH ENEMY – NEWMAN.
JERRY
Hello... Newman.
NEWMAN
Hello... Jerry.
A BEAT. THEY EXCHANGE LOOKS. THEIR FIGHT WILL NEVER BE OVER.
NEWMAN ENTERS THE APARTMENT AND WALKS TO KRAMER.
NEWMAN
Did you get any food?
JERRY
Why? Are you hungry?
NEWMAN
As a matter of fact, yes.
KRAMER
We'll have to go to the supermarket. Jerry doesn't have any dog food.
NEWMAN
I'm not surprised. One can never count on him for anything.
JERRY
Specially, if that one is someone like you.
KRAMER
(WALKS TO THE DOOR) Come one.
NEWMAN FOLLOWS KRAMER.
JERRY
Hey, Newman!
(CONT.)
NEWMAN LOOKS BACK.
JERRY (cont'd)
I'll make sure I have some weasel food next time you stop by.
NEWMAN CLOSES THE DOOR. JERRY RETURNS TO HIS COMPUTER.
CUT TO:
INT. SMITH'S OFFICE. DAY
MR. SMITH IS A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN, WITH GLASSES AND THICK GRAY HAIR. HE'S TALL, AND THIN.
MR. SMITH IS WORKING ON HIS COMPUTER. SOMEONE KNOCKS.
MR. SMITH
Come in.
THE DOOR OPENS. IT IS GEORGE.
GEORGE
Uh... hello. I'm here for the job interview.
MR. SMITH
Come on in.
GEORGE ENTERS AND CLOSES THE DOOR.
MR. SMITH
Have a seat.
GEORGE
(SITS) Thank you.
MR. SMITH
Let us begin this, shall we?
GEORGE
Yes, let us.
MR. SMITH
Your name?
GEORGE
Costanza. George Costanza.
MR. SMITH
(TYPES IT) Costanza. Do you live on your own, George?
GEORGE
No. I... live with my parents.
MR. SMITH
Oh! I see... So tell me, do you have any experience in hardware?
GEORGE
Oh please! (LAUGHS) Hardware is my middle name!
MR. SMITH
Well, you see, as the owner of InfoSys, I try to develop a good relationship with my personnel. Like a friendship. You understand what I'm saying?
GEORGE
Yes, I do. Perfectly.
MR. SMITH
I believe that the job just becomes easier if you think you're helping out a friend.
GEORGE
I totally agree on that.
MR. SMITH
But, I must warn you, George. Friend or no friend, there's always a lot of hard work to do around here. Are you sure you can handle it?
GEORGE
Who? Me? (LAUGHS) Hard work is my second middle name!
MR. SMITH
That's the spirit!
MR. SMITH GETS UP. GEORGE DOES THE SAME. THEY SHAKE HANDS.
MR. SMITH
George, I'm very happy to say this. You're hired! Welcome to InfoSys!
GEORGE
Thank you, Mr. Smith! Thank you so much!
MR. SMITH
Be here Tuesday morning at nine o'clock.
GEORGE
I sure will, Mr. Smith.
GEORGE WALKS TO THE DOOR AND OPENS IT. HE'S READY TO LEAVE BUT SOMETHING'S REFRAINING HIM. HE TURNS BACK.
GEORGE
Could you tell me where the bathroom is?
CUT TO:
INT. INFOSYS BATHROOM. DAY
GEORGE ENTERS THE BATHROOM.
A MAN FINISHES CLEANING HIS HAND AND THROWS THE PAPER INTO THE PAPER BASKET. THE MAN LOOKS TO GEORGE AND EXITS.
GEORGE CHECK ALL THE STALLS. HE'S ALL ALONE.
HE WALKS TO THE LAST STALL. HE SEES THE HANDICAP SYMBOL AND ENTERS. HE HEAR HIM LOCKING THE DOOR FROM THE INSIDE.
CUT TO:
INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT. DAY
JERRY IS STILL WORKING ON HIS COMPUTER.
THE BUZZER SOUNDS. JERRY GETS UP AND GOES ANSWER IT.
JERRY
Who is it?
VICTORIA (V. O.)
It's Victoria.
JERRY
Come on up.
JERRY GOES TO THE COUCH AND SWITCHS THE TV ON.
VICTORIA ENTERS, VISIBLY UPSET.
JERRY
What happened?
VICTORIA
(SITS ON THE COUCH) Someone stole my dog.
JERRY
What?
VICTORIA
Can you imagine anyone who could do such a thing?
JERRY
I can think of two.
VICTORIA
I left him outside at the backyard last night. And when I woke up this morning we was gone.
JERRY
What kind of dog is he?
VICTORIA
He's an husky.
JERRY
(DOESN'T HAVE A CLUE) An husky?
VICTORIA
Yes.
JERRY
Did you call the police?
VICTORIA
Yes. And I put an ad in all the newspapers as well. Just in case someone finds him.
CUT TO:
INT. PET-SHOP. DAY
NEWMAN IS STANDING BEHIND THE COUNTER.
KRAMER IS TRYING TO FEED THE ANIMALS. THERE ARE CATS, BIRDS, LIZZARDS AND DOGS (INCLUDING A HUSKY). THE NOISE IS IMMESURABLE.
ELAINE ENTERS THE SHOP, CARRYING LOTS OF BAGS.
KRAMER
Hi, Elaine. You're interested in buying a pet?
ELAINE
No, thank you. So, is this your new business?
KRAMER
Yeah. You're sure you don't want to buy a pet?
ELAINE
I'm positive.
KRAMER
'Cause you know, dogs are men's best friends.
ELAINE
In case you haven't noticed, I'm a woman.
KRAMER
You want a cat, then?
ELAINE
No. No pets, thank you. Listen, I gotta go now. I'll see you later, okay?
CUT TO:
INT. MONK'S. NIGHT
JERRY AND GEORGE ARE HAVING COFFEE.
JERRY
So, how did the job interview went?
GEORGE
Not bad. I got a job and I've made a friend.
JERRY
Oh! That's nice! What were you hired for?
GEORGE
I've no idea. He only told me that there's gonna be a lot of hard work to do.
JERRY
I'm sure you can handle hard work. After all, it is your middle name.
GEORGE
My second middle name.
ELAINE SHOWS UP AND SITS NEXT TO JERRY.
JERRY
So, how was your trip?
ELAINE
Great. I bought lots of stuff.
JERRY
Anything useful?
ELAINE
I don't know. I'll have to check that later. Hey, you know what? I stopped by Kramer's new pet shop. (NUDGES HIM) Guess who his partner is?
JERRY
I know. Newman.
ELAINE
How d'you know that?
JERRY
I saw them yesterday.
GEORGE
What're you talking about? What pet-shop?
JERRY
Kramer and Newman opened a pet-shop together.
GEORGE
Really?
JERRY
(TO ELAINE) You didn't see any husky there, did you?
ELAINE
I didn't pay attention. Why? You're interested in buying one?
JERRY
No. Victoria's husky disappeared and I was just wondering if they had something to do with it.
ELAINE
No. I didn't notice.
CUT TO:
INT. JERRY' APARTMENT. DAY
JERRY AND VICTORIA ARE WATCHING TV.
JERRY
Still nothing on your husky?
VICTORIA
No. It's been three days already. Maybe I should quit and go to a new pet-shop that opened a few days ago and buy myself a new pet.
JERRY
No! no! no!
VICTORIA
What?
JERRY
I don't believe what I'm hearing! You're deliberately saying that you're giving up on your husky?! You want to replace your own dog? (GIVES HER A CONDEMNING LOOK) Shame on you!
VICTORIA
You're right. I think I should wait a little while.
JERRY
Yes. You do that.
CUT TO:
INT. PET-SHOP. DAY
KRAMER IS BEHIND THE COUNTER. NEWMAN IS NOWHERE TO BE SEEN.
JERRY ENTERS AND WALKS TO THE COUNTER.
KRAMER
Hey, Jerry! What brings you here?
JERRY
I've something to ask you. (PEEKS AROUND) Where's Newman?
KRAMER
He hasn't shown up yet.
JERRY
Fine. It's better this way.
KRAMER
Why? What's going on?
JERRY
Victoria's husky disappeared. You wouldn't know anything about it, would you?
KRAMER
Why should we know something like that?
JERRY
Where did you get those dogs?
KRAMER
We found them on the streets. They're homeless pets. This is their chance of having a new life.
JERRY
Well, I'd be careful if I were you. Victoria is coming here today. If you have a husky, I suggest you hide it until she's gone.
KRAMER
Why? What's wrong in having an husky?
JERRY
It's not very convenient under these circumstances.
NEWMAN ENTERS THE SHOP AND SNEAKS IN BEHIND JERRY.
NEWMAN
Hello... Jerry.
JERRY
(TURNS BACK) Hello... Newman. I was almost hoping someone had bought you. (TO KRAMER) I have to go now. Watch out, okay?
A DOG BARKS OFFSCREEN.
NEWMAN
Shut up!
THE DOG BARKS AGAIN. WE SEE IT. IT'S THE HUSKY.
NEWMAN
Shut up!
CUT TO:
INT. INFOSYS. LOBBY. DAY
GEORGE ENTERS THE BUILDING. MR. SMITH SEES HIM AND WALKS TOWARDS HIM.
MR. SMITH
Hello, George! Ready to do some hard work?
GEORGE
Ready as ever!
CUT TO:
INT. MONK'S. DAY
ELAINE AND JERRY ARE HAVING BREAKFAST.
JERRY
So, did you find anything useful among your shopping?
ELAINE
Nothing so far. What about your girlfriend's pet? Any news?
JERRY
No. I stopped by Kramer's pet-shop to check if they had an husky.
ELAINE
And?
JERRY
It came to my senses that I don't know what an husky looks like.
ELAINE
So, what's the point of checking?
JERRY
Well, at least I tried.
ELAINE
What about George?
JERRY
He's working. He's gonna come by for lunch.
ELAINE
Does he know what hardware is anyway?
JERRY
Sure he knows. It's one his middle names. What about you? You wanna come along?
ELAINE
Okay.
CUT TO:
INT. INFOSYS BATHROOM. DAY
THE BATHROOM IS EMPTY. GEORGE ENTERS AND CHECKS ALL THE STALLS BEFORE GOING TO THE PLACE HE LIKES BEST.
CUT TO:
EXT. STREET. PET-SHOP. DAY
KRAMER IS APPROACHING THE SHOP WHEN HE SEES A COP HEADING THE SAME WAY. HE HESITATES, THEN TURNS AWAY.
CUT TO:
INT. PET-SHOP. DAY
THE COP ENTERS THE SHOP.
NEWMAN IS BEHIND THE COUNTER. HE SWALLOWS AT THE SIGHT OF AUTHORITY.
NEWMAN
Good morning, officer. What can I do for you?
COP
I'm looking for a dog.
NEWMAN
Well, he have lots of dogs. Feel free to choose.
COP
I'm not looking for an ordinary dog.
NEWMAN
Ordinary is not something you'd find in here. We take great pride in our selected canines.
COP
I'm looking for an husky.
NEWMAN
I'm sorry to disappoint you but I have no idea what an husky looks like.
COP
Neither do I.
NEWMAN
Thank you, Lord!
COP
What?
NEWMAN
Nothing.
COP
So, I'm planning on bringing here the pet's owner to see if she can identify her dog.
NEWMAN
(SWALLOWS) Really?
CUT TO:
INT. MONK'S. DAY
JERRY, GEORGE AND ELAINE ARE HAVING LUNCH.
GEORGE
This is most incredible job I've ever had!
JERRY
What do you do?
GEORGE
Practically nothing.
JERRY
Well, I think they found the right man for the job.
GEORGE
All I have to do is check my computer and see if all the deliveries were sent correctly.
ELAINE
And you know how to do that?
GEORGE
What's there to know?
KRAMER ENTERS THE SHOP AND JOINS THEM. HE'S STRANGELY NERVOUS (SORT OF SPEAK).
KRAMER
Hey.
JERRY
What happened? Why are you so nervous?
KRAMER
I was returning to the shop, half an hour ago. I went out to get some coffee. And when I came back, I saw a cop entering the shop.
JERRY
What did you do?
KRAMER
I turned back.
JERRY
I thought you said you had nothing to worry about.
KRAMER
I know that. But I can't just assume he shares that same knowledge.
JERRY
(SMILES) So, there's still a chance.
CUT TO:
INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT. DAY
VICTORIA IS STANDING AT THE EXIT DOOR.
VICTORIA
Are you really sure I should do this? I mean, you sounded so reproving when I talked about replacing Rufus that I just-
JERRY COMES OUT OF THE BATHROOM.
JERRY
I'm not talking about replacement. All I'm saying is that you should not neglect the chance of you're dog being caught by someone in the business of selling animals.
VICTORIA
You're right.
JERRY
So, when the cop comes, I want you to go with him, okay?
VICTORIA
Okay. I'll go.
(CONT.)
JERRY SMILES.
VICTORIA (CONT'D)
But only if you come with me.
JERRY
Say what?
CUT TO:
INT. INFOSYS. HALL. DAY
GEORGE IS REACHING THE BATHROOM DOOR WHEN MR. SMITH SEES HIM.
MR. SMITH
George?
GEORGE STOPS AND LOOKS BACK.
GEORGE
Mr. Smith! How are you? It's good to see you.
MR. SMITH
It's good to see you too, George. Is everything alright? Are you handling the work?
GEORGE
Are you kidding? I could do this with no hands, if I wanted.
MR. SMITH
That's the spirit, George! (TAPS HIM) Keep it up!
GEORGE
Thank you, Mr. Smith.
MR. SMITH WALKS AWAY. GEORGE ENTERS THE BATHROOM.
CUT TO:
INT. PET-SHOP. DAY
THE COP ENTERS THE SHOP, FOLLOWED BY VICTORIA AND A VERY RELUNCTANT JERRY.
NEWMAN HAS HIS BACK TURNED TO THE DOOR. JERRY DECIDES TO SNEAK BEHIND A SHELF, BEFORE NEWMAN TURNS BACK.
THE COP WALKS TOWARDS NEWMAN AND TAPS HIS SHOULDER.
NEWMAN TURNS BACK AND SWALLOWS.
COP
Like I said before, I brought the pet's owner for some quick id.
NEWMAN WALKS TOWARDS VICTORIA.
NEWMAN
I'm delighted to meet you, mam. I only regret it is under such dreadful circumstances.
VICTORIA
Yes, me too.
NEWMAN
Well, I hope I can be of any assistance.
VICTORIA
Thank you.
VICTORIA STARTS WALKING AROUND AND SEES THE HUSKY.
VICTORIA
Rufus?
THE HUSKY BARKS.
VICTORIA
Rufus! Here he is!
COP
Do you have anything to say at your defense?
NEWMAN
I was set up!
COP
(CUFFS NEWMAN) Alright. I think we're about done.
VICTORIA
(LOOKS AROUND) Jerry?
JERRY
(BEHIND THE SHELF) What?
VICTORIA
There you are! Why don't you come here and see who did this?
JERRY
I rather not.
VICTORIA
Come on. He can't hurt you now.
JERRY EXITS FROM THIS HIDEOUT. NEWMAN SEES HIM.
NEWMAN
I should have known better. It was you who planned this all thing all along, Seinfeld.
VICTORIA
Jerry! Do you know this man? What's he talking about?
JERRY
Ah! Probably just delusions of an insane mind.
NEWMAN
Don't listen to his crap! He hates dogs. He did all this to set me up!
VICTORIA
You did what?
COP
Where's the key to the cage?
NEWMAN
It's on counter. First draw.
THE COP GOES TO THE COUNTER AND PICKS THE KEY. HE WALKS TO THE CAGE AND OPENS IT.
THE DOGS RAN AWAY. RUFUS ALSO.
VICTORIA EXITS THE SHOP.
VICTORIA
Rufus!
THE COP FOLLOWS VICTORIA.
COP
Wait! You have to fill a report!
JERRY
So much for victory.
NEWMAN SMILES TO JERRY.
NEWMAN
It seems your plan didn't work.
JERRY
That's where you're wrong.
JERRY WALKS BEHIND THE SHELF.
JERRY
(OS)
In fact, it worked better than I predicted.
(CONT.)
JERRY COMES OUT FROM BEHIND THE SHELF, HOLDING A SMALL SNAKE AND STARTS WALKING TOWARDS NEWMAN.
JERRY
(CONT'D)
Because now, I have you exactly I want.
NEWMAN
(SWALLOWS) What're you going to do?
JERRY
What am I going to do? Nothing. I'll leave that choice to someone, or should I say, something else?
JERRY PULLS BACK NEWMAN'S T-SHIRT AND PUTS THE SNAKE INSIDE.
NEWMAN
No! Please! Don't do this!
JERRY
Don't worry. It only bites you if you start moving.
JERRY WALKS TO THE DOOR.
NEWMAN
Jerry!
JERRY
Bye!
NEWMAN
(STARTS TREMBLING) I'll get you for this! Ouch!
CUT TO:
EXT. STREET. SUNSET
A COUPLE OF HUSKYS WALK TOWARDS THE SUNSET.
CUT TO:
INT. BATHROOM. DAY
A MAN ON A WHEELCHAIR IS KNOCKING AT A STALL.
MAN
I know you're not a handicap. Let me in.
GEORGE
(OS)
Do you mind? I'm trying to focus here.
CUT TO:
INT. COMEDY CLUB. NIGHT
JERRY IS ON STAGE.
JERRY
Most of the things we use on our daily hygiene are tested on animals. Almost everything, from shampoos to body lotions, everything is tested on animals before they decide that it's safe for humans to use them.
Despite the fact that we're not animals, this issue brought me a question. What happens when they develop this kind of products for animals? I've heard of dog shampoo but I have no idea where it's being tested.
Do they test it on humans? On plants? Other animals?
Try to imagine a test for a new dog biscuit. Five people sitting around a table, with a bowl full with dog biscuits.
"This one's good."
"Humm... Needs more salt."
THE END