THE TIPPING
A Seinfeld fan fiction script
by
Joel G. Gomes
Cell–phone number: 91 877 25 96
Address: Rua de Angola, 48 1º dto
2835–107 Baixa da Banheira
E–mail(s): joel_gomes2002@yahoo.com
gomes_joel@hotmail.com
September 2001
INT. COMEDY CLUB. NIGHT
JERRY IS MAKING ONE OF HIS PERFORMANCES.
JERRY
The tip is what we use, as a customer, to show our appreciation for a good service. But, the only people that can actually afford to get a tip are the people that serve coffee and carry bags.
It's like if we're in a hospital, and we're somewhere between life and death, we don't have to tip the doctor if he saves our lives.
In fact, if we get a transplant, we don't even have to thank the guy that gave one of his organs to us.
He's a complete stranger and he saved our lives but, unless he serves us some coffee while we're in the hospital, no way he's getting a tip.
CUT TO:
FADE IN:
INT. COFFEE SHOP. DAY
JERRY AND GEORGE ARE SITTING ON A RED WOOD TABLE DRINKING COFFEE.
GEORGE
(CHECKING HIS POCKET) Oh no.
JERRY
What is it?
GEORGE
I forgot my wallet. Can I borrow some money from you?
JERRY
How much?
GEORGE
Just for the coffee.
JERRY
I don't know. (CHECKS HIS WALLET) Hum... Sorry.
GEORGE
Never mind. I'll pay her tomorrow.
JERRY
I'm not sure if they'll let you pay tomorrow.
GEORGE
Why wouldn't they? I've been coming here since Monk's closed.
JERRY
I know that, but how can they be sure that you're not leaving the country tomorrow?
GEORGE
Why would I leave the country tomorrow? If I had money to leave the country, do you think I'd come to this place? Besides, I don't think this expense will cause any bankruptcy.
JERRY
You never know what can happen in this sort of business. It's very unstable, very risky.
JERRY TAKES A NOTE FROM HIS WALLET AND PUTS IT ON THE TABLE.
GEORGE
I thought you said you didn't have enough money.
JERRY
I don't. This is for the tip. I can't lend you my tip money.
GEORGE
You won't lend me the money I need because you want to tip the waitress?
JERRY
That's right.
GEORGE
But you don't tip!
JERRY
I didn't. But that was before I realize that we get a better service here if we train the waitress to get a tip. It's kinda like a previous compensation for future services.
GEORGE
Can't you spare me your tip, just for today?
JERRY
Ah... Alright!
THE WAITRESS APPROACHES THE TABLE AND BEGINS TO COLECT THE CUPS.
JERRY
I'd like to pay one cake and two coffees, please.
JERRY GIVES THE NOTE TO THE WAITRESS.
THE WAITRESS LOOKS AT THE NOTE AND THEN AT JERRY.
WAITRESS
That's it? No tip?
JERRY
Sorry...
WAITRESS
Thanks a lot!
THE WAITRESS GOES AWAY.
JERRY
Boy! She took it hard!
GEORGE
Come on! (STANDS) Let's go!
JERRY
What's all that rush for?
GEORGE
I gotta go see Wendy.
JERRY
Okay. (STANDS) I'm going.
JERRY AND GEORGE HEAD FOR THE DOOR.
ELAINE ENTERS THE COFFEE-SHOP.
ELAINE
Hi! You guys leaving already?
GEORGE
I gotta go see Wendy.
ELAINE
Ah! New girlfriend?
GEORGE
Sex partner. Actually, she's my sex therapist.
ELAINE
Oh! That will teach you something. What about you?
JERRY
I'm thinking of catching a movie or something...
ELAINE
What? You're gone leave me here all by myself?
JERRY
You're a grown woman now, Elaine; you can take care of yourself. You're not expecting us to stay here, are you?
GEORGE
I don't think the waitress will like that.
JERRY
I don't think so either.
ELAINE
Why? What happened?
JERRY
George didn't have enough money so he had to borrow from me and I wasn't able to tip the waitress.
ELAINE
Oh no...
GEORGE
(IMITATING ELAINE) "Oh no..." What's so wrong with not tipping? They're required to do their job aren't they? The tip is nothing but a common cliché.
JERRY
But you get a better service when you tip. She's a lot nicer.
GEORGE
I don't care if she's nice or not as long as she serves me what I want.
ELAINE
You know what you have to do, right?
JERRY
No. What?
ELAINE
You have to double-tip her the next time.
JERRY
Double-tip her? Why would I do that?
ELAINE
Because you didn't tip her the last time?
JERRY
Fine. I'll stay.
ELAINE
Great! One down. How 'bout you? You're coming back or not?
GEORGE
I can't. I've told I've gotta go see Wendy.
JERRY
You're really desperate for sex, aren't you?
GEORGE
I'll see you later, okay?
JERRY
Fine.
GEORGE EXITS THE COFFEE-SHOP AND RUNS AWAY.
JERRY AND ELAINE LOOK AMAZED.
ELAINE
He's fast alright.
JERRY
I hope he still has enough speed for the therapy.
JERRY AND ELAINE RETURN TO THE TABLE WHERE JERRY WAS.
THE WAITRESS APPROACHES THE TABLE.
WAITRESS
What will it be?
ELAINE
Just coffee for me, please.
THE WAITRESS LEAVES.
JERRY
Did you see what just happened here?
ELAINE
What?
JERRY
She didn't ask me what I wanted!
ELAINE
Well, you didn't tell her.
JERRY
I'm not the one who has to tell her. It's part of her job to ask.
ELAINE
But she asked.
JERRY
She asked you.
ELAINE
She asked both of us. She said "What will it be?", remember?
JERRY
But she only looked at you. Like I wasn't here or something.
ELAINE
She did no such thing. You're just resenting her for what happened.
THE WAITRESS BRINGS ELAINE'S COFFEE.
ELAINE
Thanks.
JERRY
Excuse me?
THE WAITRESS IGNORES JERRY.
JERRY
What about this?
ELAINE
What?
JERRY
I called her. She didn't even look at me.
ELAINE
Technically, you didn't call her.
JERRY
Technically... What was I supposed to say? Excuse me, waitress?
ELAINE
That would be more selective, yes.
JERRY
Do you want me to prove it to you that she's ignoring me?
ELAINE
Okay. Bring out exhibit A.
JERRY
(TO THE WAITRESS) Hey! Could you come over here for a second please?
THE WAITRESS IGNORES JERRY'S REQUEST.
JERRY
See? She's ignoring me!
ELAINE
Maybe she didn't hear you.
A MAN ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE COFFEE SHOP COUGHS.
THE WAITRESS RUNS TO THE MAN'S TABLE.
WAITRESS
Can I get you anything?
ELAINE
That guy must be a triple-tipper.
JERRY
That's it! She's not getting a double-tip, a simple tip or any kind of previous or past retribution! Not today, not tomorrow, not ever again!
ELAINE
Fine... Whatever makes you happy.
JERRY NOTICES SOMETHING SHINY ON ELAINE'S EARS.
JERRY
What's that?
ELAINE
What's what?
JERRY
That on your ears.
ELAINE
What do you think this is? It's earrings.
JERRY
They look very nice. Who gave you that?
ELAINE
Why did you assume so promptly that this was a gift? You think I can't afford to buy earrings like this?
JERRY
I know you can't.
ELAINE
My boyfriend gave 'em to me. He works at a jewellery store.
JERRY
What's his name?
ELAINE
Frank. Frank Jones.
JERRY
A. k. a.?
ELAINE
No a. k. a. Just Frank Jones.
JERRY
Just Frank Jones. Hum... What's he like?
ELAINE
He's great. He's handsome, strong. (LAUGHS) He's frank!
JERRY
That doesn't excite me very much. How 'bout the acting part?
ELAINE
Does that excite you?
JERRY
I know what you're capable of. I'm just curious about this new combination.
ELAINE
Well... He's okay. He acts.
JERRY
Okay? You can't fool me. You know that, don't you?
ELAINE
Actually he's very good. He's got stamina, lots of it.
JERRY
But?
ELAINE
He... uh... He plays on both sides.
JERRY
Excuse me?
ELAINE
(BREATHS DEEPLY) He's a bisexual.
JERRY
What? You're telling me you're dating a bisexual guy?
ELAINE
I didn't know he was a bisexual. I only found out afterwards when he introduced me to his friend Jimmy and I saw them kissing each other.
JERRY
What d'you mean ?
ELAINE
They kissed each other on the lips, right in front of me!
JERRY
Are you gonna break up with him?
ELAINE
I' thinking of giving him a second chance.
JERRY
Did you kiss him after this event?
ELAINE
Yeah. Once. It felt so strange. His lips tasted like man.
JERRY
Well, you know I've never kissed a man's lips before but I believe that that flavor is due to the fact that he's a man.
ELAINE
No! His lips didn't have the usual flavor! It was Jimmy's flavor! Don't you see?! It's my flavor that's supposed to be in there!
JERRY
(LAUGHING) You poor little girl...
ELAINE
Are you mocking me? You think this is funny? I'm in danger of being dumped for a man! A man, Jerry!
JERRY
Are you jealous of him?
ELAINE
Who?
JERRY
Jimmy.
ELAINE
How could I be jealous of a man?
JERRY
No need to tell.
ELAINE
What the hell does this guy have that I don't?
JERRY
Maybe you should ask Frank.
CUT TO:
INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT. DAY
JERRY IS SITTING ON THE COUCH WATCHING TV.
THE DOORBELL RINGS.
JERRY GETS UP AND PICKS THE RECEIVER.
JERRY
Who is it?
GEORGE (V. O.)
It's me.
JERRY
Come on up.
JERRY PUTS THE RECEIVER DOWN AND SITS ON THE COUCH.
AFTER A WHILE, GEORGE ENTERS.
GEORGE
Hi...
JERRY
Hi. What's wrong? Have you seen Wendy?
GEORGE
Yeah. I have...
JERRY
And?
GEORGE
We broke up.
JERRY
Really? But I thought everything was fine.
GEORGE
I failed my exam. I was too slow...
JERRY
That's too bad.
GEORGE SITS ON THE COUCH.
GEORGE
You know, none of this would ever happened if Larry hadn't closed Monk's. It's affecting my concentration.
JERRY
He didn't closed Monk's. He just went to Africa to spend a few time with some distant relatives.
GEORGE
That's a great distance, alright. But, he should at least tried to hire someone to replace him while he's away.
JERRY
He'll be back in a week.
GEORGE
Yeah... Meanwhile, my sex life is falling apart.
JERRY
I'm not happy about this either. It's causing nothing but trouble to everyone.
GEORGE
You know what I miss the most? My old seat.
JERRY
I miss my old seat, too but, we mustn't loose our faith. Larry will return.
GEORGE
I guess you're right... So, what did you and Elaine talked about?
JERRY
You know. The usual.
GEORGE
You mean nothing.
JERRY
We talked about her new boyfriend, Frank.
GEORGE
What's wrong with this one? Is he a bad Internal Affairs?
JERRY
No. In fact, I think he's a very good Internal Affairs. A lot more than she had in mind.
GEORGE
What d'you mean?
JERRY
Ah... I don't think I should tell you this.
GEORGE
What're you talking about? You've spiced my curiosity. The least you could is to give me a tip.
JERRY
Well... let's see... He runs from one side of the street to the other.
GEORGE
I got it. He's a double-crosser, hey ? Also known as a bisexual?
JERRY
That was fast.
GEORGE
She didn't know that he was a bisexual?
JERRY
She only found out two days ago.
GEORGE
Yesterday?
JERRY
No. The day before that.
GEORGE
But that's three days.
JERRY
No, that's two days. It would only be three days if I was counting today, which I'm not.
GEORGE
Do you know what's the worst that can happen in a gay relationship?
JERRY
Probably being dumped over for a woman. What's the reaction to that?
GEORGE
No reaction.
JERRY
There's gotta be a reaction. Any reaction.
GEORGE
I've been doing some study and I discovered that the gay principle states that the active gay should look for the women within the passive gay and maybe this woman is more man than a normal man.
JERRY
There's no woman. I was just speaking hypothetically.
GEORGE
I know. But suppose that this woman has the active part in a gay relation ship.
JERRY
How can it be a gay relationship if there's a woman involved?
GEORGE
Maybe it's a straight-gay relationship.
JERRY
There's no such thing as a straight-gay relationship.
GEORGE
Yes there is. It happens when two people from the opposite sex have a relation but their sexual needs is maintained by people from the same sex.
JERRY
I think this sex therapy really affected you.
GEORGE
So much for that now...
JERRY
I still don't understand what's the woman doing there.
GEORGE
She's the active part! Is that so hard to understand?
JERRY
How can she be the active part if she's a woman?
GEORGE
Lesbians can be both active and passive too.
JERRY
That's a whole different world. They have other ways of pleasuring themselves. And I don't think that those ways are apply able in a, as you say, straight-gay relationship.
GEORGE
I'm not saying they are. All I'm saying is that if such a relation actually existed, I'm sure there would be ways of satisfaction.
JERRY
Maybe the woman isn't really a woman. Maybe she's an hermaphrodite or a travesty.
GEORGE
That would never work. It's too complicated.
JERRY
Well, just keep your mind focused on something else and it will be fine.
GEORGE
You know something? All this gay talking made me wonder if I'm not gay also.
JERRY
How's that?
GEORGE
Well, when I was going to see Wendy, I had to go to a public urinal.
JERRY
Did someone forced you?
GEORGE
No. I needed to the public urinal, okay? Anyway, I was alone in there, minding my own business when some guy comes in and goes to the urinal right next to me.
JERRY
I don't see anything wrong with that.
GEORGE
Then he began to move his arm very fast.
JERRY
Don't tell me. You peeked, right?
GEORGE
Yes. The guy was moving his arm so fast I thought he was in trouble.
JERRY
What'd you do if he was? Would you gave him a hand?
GEORGE
Very funny. (GETS UP AND HEADS TO THE DOOR) I'm going to the video store. Do you wanna come?
JERRY
Okay... (GETS UP) But you still haven't told what kind of peeking it was.
GEORGE
What'd you mean?
THEY LEAVE.
CUT TO:
EXT. STREET. DAY
JERRY AND GEORGE ARE WALKING.
JERRY
So you see, there are three kinds of peeking that apply to your situation. The first one is the "glance-peeking". That's when you look at something for a few seconds and try never to look back again.
GEORGE
Like a flash.
JERRY
Exactly. The "steady-peeking" is when you're looking at something that repulses you but can't keep your eyes away from it. And the last one, the "looking-back-peeking" is when you look at something that is really disgusting and you try to look the other way but, eventually, you have to look back again.
GEORGE
Do you think I'm gay because I peeked?
JERRY
No. But the fact that you kept your look doesn't help you very much.
GEORGE
It was only a couple of seconds. I didn't see really that much.
JERRY
You wanted to see more?
GEORGE
Of course not!
JERRY
Well, you know what they say, a lot of things can happen in a couple of seconds.
CUT TO:
INT. ELAINE'S APARTAMENT
ELAINE IS SITTING ON THE COUCH, READING A BOOK.
SOMEONE KNOCKS.
ELAINE'S GETS UP AND GOES TO THE DOOR.
ELAINE
Who is it?
JIMMY (V. O.)
It's Jimmy.
ELAINE OPENS THE DOOR.
ELAINE
Oh! Hi Jimmy!
JIMMY
Hello, Elaine... Is Frank here?
ELAINE
No. I haven't seen him all day. Why?
JIMMY
We were supposed to have dinner this evening.
ELAINE
You were? Well, he didn't tell anything about that. Why don't you call him?
JIMMY
I can't.
ELAINE
You can use my phone if you want.
JIMMY
Thanks, but that won't do any good. I have his cell phone. He left it in my house last night.
ELAINE
I'm really sorry but as you can see I have no idea where he is.
JIMMY
Okay. Thanks anyway.
JIMMY TURNS TO LEAVE. JERRY APPEARS.
JERRY
Hi.
JIMMY LOOKS AT JERRY AND LEAVES.
JERRY CLOSES THE DOOR.
JERRY
Nice guy. Who's he?
ELAINE
That's Jimmy.
JERRY AND ELAINE SIT ON THE COUCH.
JERRY PICKS UP THE REMOTE CONTROL.
JERRY
What did he want?
ELAINE
He came looking for Frank.
JERRY
Oh... I see.
JERRY SEES A FOLDED PAPER ON THE FLOOR AND PICKS IT UP.
JERRY
Is this yours?
ELAINE
I don't know. Let me see.
JERRY GIVES ELAINE THE PIECE OF PAPER.
ELAINE UNFOLDS IT.
ELAINE (V. O.)
"Hi, Elaine. I had to make a special delivery. If Jimmy shows up, tell him to wait. I won't be long. Bye, Frank."
ELAINE FOLDS THE PAPER AND TOSSES IT ON THE FLOOR
ELAINE
Oh. It's nothing.
SOMEONE KNOCKS.
ELAINE GETS UP TO THE DOOR.
ELAINE
Who is it?
FRANK (V. O.)
It's Frank.
ELAINE OPENS THE DOOR.
ELAINE
Hi, Frank!
FRANK
Hi.
FRANK TRIES TO KISS ELAINE BUT SHE BACKS AWAY.
FRANK
Who's he?
ELAINE
He's my friend Jerry.
JERRY
Hi.
FRANK
Did you see my note?
ELAINE
What note? Oh! Your note! Yeah... I saw it.
FRANK
Has he been here?
ELAINE
Who?
FRANK
Jimmy, who else?
ELAINE
I don't think so. I would remember that.
FRANK
If he shows up, you know what to do right?
JERRY PICKS THE PIECE OF PAPER AND LOOKS AT IT.
ELAINE
Yeah...
FRANK TURNS TO LEAVE.
ELAINE (cont'd)
Hey! Where are you going?
FRANK
I'm gonna buy his present. It's his anniversary tonight. We're going to a new restaurant downtown.
FRANK LEAVES.
ELAINE (V. O.)
I know what to do alright...
ELAINE SITS ON THE COUCH.
JERRY
(HOLDING THE PAPER) Hum... I wonder if this little piece of paper had something to do with what just happened?
ELAINE
Sort of.
JERRY
Why didn't you tell him that Jimmy was here?
ELAINE
Why should I?
JERRY
Yeah. Why should you?
CUT TO:
INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT. NIGHT
JERRY IS WATCHING TV.
ELAINE ENTERS ABRUPTLY.
ELAINE
This is it! I've made a decision.
JERRY
You're breaking up with him?
ELAINE
Yes.
ELAINE SITS.
JERRY
Somehow, that doesn't surprise me.
ELAINE
Not only that, I'm gonna destroy his entire relationship with Jimmy.
JERRY
Uh... payback. That's evil.
ELAINE
He didn't want to spend the evening with me because he and Jimmy were going out, remember? Not only that, last night, they slept together.
JERRY
How do you know that?
ELAINE
Jimmy told me.
JERRY
Did he tell you if they slept on the same bed?
ELAINE
I don't know if it was the same bed or not. All I know is that it was the same apartment.
JERRY
What were his exact words?
ELAINE
He told me that Frank had left his cell phone there.
JERRY
That doesn't mean anything. You can't assume that they had sex just because he forgot his cell phone there.
ELAINE
I was trying not to think so dramatically.
KRAMER ENTERS IN HIS OWN FASHION AWAY.
KRAMER IS WEARING A RED CAP.
KRAMER
Hello there.
JERRY
Kramer! Where've you been? I haven't seen you in three days!
KRAMER
I've been memorizing the subway maps.
ELAINE
What for?
KRAMER GOES TO THE REFRIGERATOR AND TAKES A BOTTLE OF WATER.
KRAMER START TO DRINK STRAIGHT FROM THE BOTTLE.
JERRY
Please don't put your mouth in there!
KRAMER PUTS THE BOTTLE IN THE REFRIGERATOR.
KRAMER
It's my first subway-week.
JERRY
What's that?
KRAMER
Just a bunch of people that decided to decrease the city's traffic by using the public transportations more often.
JERRY
No. I mean, what's that on your head?
KRAMER
(TAKES THE CAP OFF) Oh. It's what we use so that the other people know who we are.
JERRY
Do you think they give a damn who you are? You're just a regular freak show to them.
ELAINE
Do you actually believe that five or six people in the subway will help decrease traffic?
KRAMER
Yes. I believe so.
CUT TO:
INT. COMEDY CLUB. NIGHT
JERRY IS MAKING ONE OF HIS PERFORMANCES.
JERRY
Everyone hates traffic. It makes anyone crazy to get three hours by car to reach a place that can be reach in less than one by foot.
Some people try to help the city by using the subway and, thus, decreasing traffic. But, the only way that their actions could be more perceptive was if people would stop using cars and began to use only public transportations.
I think that would be a greater problem than traffic, y'know?
You think traffic is bad? No traffic is even worse.
Try to imagine thousands, millions of people, all of a sudden, changing to public transportations.
Try to imagine that without counting the millions of others that use it every day. It'd be like living in a can of sardines. You'd rather walk, wouldn't you?
CUT TO:
INT. COFFEE SHOP. DAY
JERRY, GEORGE AND ELAINE ARE SITTING ON THE TABLE.
THE WAITRESS APPROACHES THE TABLE AND POUR ELAINE AND GEORGE MORE COFFEE.
THE WAITRESS LEAVES.
JERRY
She still hates me.
ELAINE
She doesn't hate you.
GEORGE
She definitely hates him.
KRAMER ENTERS AND SITS NEXT TO THEM.
KRAMER IS WEARING A PAIR OF KNEE-CAPS.
KRAMER
Hi. (TO THE WAITRESS) Can I get some coffee, please?
GEORGE
What's that for?
KRAMER
It's something I've decided to wear for my protection.
GEORGE
Protection from what?
THE WAITRESS SERVES KRAMER'S COFFEE.
KRAMER
Thanks. Well, I was on the subway this morning, during rush hour and I was sitting with my legs open, y'know. And this guy sits right next to me and opens his legs so widely that I'm forced to close mine.
GEORGE
So?
KRAMER
So? I wanted to have my legs open too! I'm used to have my legs open when I'm sitting. My legs are too big to be closed.
GEORGE
Why didn't you ask him?
KRAMER
Yeah... Maybe I should've turned to him and say (WITH KIDDY VOICE) Hey, mister, could you squeeze your legs just a bit, please?
ELAINE
I think it would be better if you said it like this. (DEEP AND GUTURAL VOICE) HEY! CLOSE YOUR LEGS, YOU SISSY!
JERRY
That could work. (TO KRAMER) There was something else you could do, y'know?
KRAMER
What?
JERRY
Well... You could... open your legs.
KRAMER
No way! What do you think I am? A leg-rustler?
JERRY
Those were your words, not mine.
GEORGE
Why did you use the subway for? Don't you have a car?
KRAMER
I have Jerry's.
ELAINE
He's joined a group of subway fanatics. They're trying to help decrease traffic by using the subway.
GEORGE
That's so naive. And I thought I was the misguided here.
KRAMER
It's an alternative, y'know.
JERRY
I change my underwear every day. That's an alternative.
GEORGE
You're telling me, you'd rather be on a hot subway with lots of sweaty and smelly people rustling you, being unable to breathe, instead of using your car?
JERRY
My car.
KRAMER
If it's for a good cause, yes!
ELAINE
Using the subway is not an alternative. It's like when you're arrested and they sentence to public service.
GEORGE
Y'know, there's another issue here that perhaps no one has ever considered.
JERRY
What?
GEORGE
Well, if what he's saying is true, if he's really helping the community by using the subway, how come he doesn't get pay?
ELAINE
For using the subway?
GEORGE
He's doing a favor to society. He should get a reward for his actions.
KRAMER
Yeah. I think you're right. But that doesn't matter anyway 'cuz my subway week has ended this morning. Boy! Those people are like animals! It's a jungle!
ELAINE
I believe you.
JERRY
Just in time for Monk's reopening!
KRAMER
Uh... I don't think so. I called Larry last night.
GEORGE
You made a call to Africa?
KRAMER
I used Jerry's car phone. He will be staying for two more weeks.
JERRY
You used my car phone to make a call to Africa?
KRAMER
I couldn't use my car phone! Those international calls are too expensive!
JERRY
What're you talking about? You don't even have a car phone!
KRAMER
That's my point.
JERRY
I'm charging you this call, you hear?
KRAMER
I'll pay you back. Don't worry about it.
JERRY
Why should I?
GEORGE
See? I've told you, Jerry. This city is falling apart!
JERRY
Ah... don't be so worried.
GEORGE
Look around you! Look what's happening outside. Larry's absence is affecting the lives of everyone! You're not getting any service here, Kramer is using the subway, Wendy and I broke up...
JERRY
And you're peeking in public urinals.
GEORGE
Elaine's having trouble with her bisexual boyfriend.
ELAINE
So, what else is new? (REALIZES WHAT HAPPENED) What?!
KRAMER WHISTLES.
ELAINE
(TO JERRY) You told him?
JERRY
I didn't tell him anything. He guessed.
ELAINE
The whole thing?
JERRY
The whole thing!
ELAINE
Just like that?
JERRY
Just like that!
ELAINE
How could he guess it just like that?
JERRY
I don't know. All I know is that there are some things that lay beyond men's knowledge.
ELAINE
You gave him a clue, didn't you?
JERRY
I might have said something very close to that, yes.
ELAINE
That's it! I'm gonna break up with him!
JERRY
I thought you already had.
ELAINE
Not yet. But I will soon.
KRAMER
What's his name?
ELAINE
Who? My future ex-boyfriend? Frank.
KRAMER
No no no. His boyfriend's name, what is it?
ELAINE
Jimmy... And he's not his boyfriend, he's just a sex partner.
KRAMER
How can you be so sure? Have you ever seen them kissing in public?
ELAINE
Yeah.
KRAMER
Do they go out very often?
ELAINE
A little.
KRAMER
When you go the theatre, does Jimmy sits right next to him?
ELAINE
Yes!
KRAMER
Then he's not the sex partner, you are.
ELAINE
I can't be a sex partner! I totally refuse the idea of someone just using me for sex.
JERRY
Why? You do it all the time.
ELAINE
That's different. Women are allowed to choose. Men aren't.
JERRY
Haven't you noticed that he's not a regular man?
ELAINE
I know that but, this issue maintains whether it's a normal man or not.
KRAMER
Is he a bisexual?
ELAINE
I've already told you that.
KRAMER
I meant his boyfriend. Is he just gay or is he a bisexual, too?
ELAINE
I don't know... Sometimes he looks at me in a very strange way.
KRAMER
Like what?
ELAINE
Like this. (TWISTS HER EYES) See?
KRAMER
That's hot! He wants you!
ELAINE
What makes you say that?
KRAMER
Because of the look he gave you.
JERRY
Either that or he's a cross-eyed.
KRAMER
Why don't you three consider a trio?
ELAINE
That's completely out of the question.
KRAMER
It could help you to find new forms of pleasure.
GEORGE
Simultaneously.
JERRY
That sex therapist was really good. Too bad you broke up.
ELAINE
I'm perfectly happy as a straight monogamist woman, thank you very much.
JERRY
As long as he's not a bisexual...
ELAINE (cont'd)
But, anyway, that won't make much of a difference after I'm through with my plan.
KRAMER
Wait a minute. What plan?
JERRY
She wants to get even on Frank and Jimmy by destroying their relationship.
KRAMER
(TO ELAINE) Are you serious about this?
ELAINE
Deadly serious!
KRAMER
Have you actually considered the results of your actions?
ELAINE
Of course I have.
KRAMER
You're willing to destroy a good, healthy gay relationship and for what? Spite?
ELAINE
Yeah! Spite!
KRAMER
What kind of a woman are you?
ELAINE
A straight woman.
ELAINE PUTS A NOTE ON THE TABLE, GETS UP AND LEAVES.
CUT TO:
EXT. STREET. OUTSIDE ELAINE'S APARTMENT. DAY
ELAINE ARRIVES TO HER BUILDING.
FRANK AND JIMMY ARE WAITING FOR HER.
ELAINE
Hi... Did you have a nice meal and a good night sex, I mean sleep?
JIMMY
As a matter of fact, we had.
FRANK
Let me do the talking, okay? Elaine, I'm gonna be straight with you.
ELAINE (V. O.)
Yeah, right!
FRANK
It's over.
ELAINE (v. O.)
You're damn right it's over!
FRANK
We're getting married.
ELAINE (v. O.)
Oh my god...
JIMMY
That's right. So we'd appreciate it if you'd stop bothering us.
ELAINE
Fine. No problem.
FRANK
Goodbye Elaine. Best of luck.
FRANK AND JIMMY WALK AWAY HOLDING HANDS.
ELAINE
Have a nice honey moon! You anticipating bastards...
ELAINE ENTERS THE BUILDING.
CUT TO:
INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT. DAY
JERRY IS LYING ON THE COUCH, WATCHING TV.
THE PHONE RINGS. JERRY ANWSERS THE PHONE.
JERRY
Hello? Oh! Hi, Elaine.
CUT TO:
INT. ELAINE'S APARTMENT. DAY
ELAINE IS TALKING ON THE PHONE.
ELAINE
I just bumped into a happy couple.
JERRY (V. O.)
Oh. Did your plan work?
ELAINE
No. They anticipated it. Frank broke up with me before I could anything. They're getting married.
JERRY (V. O.)
What're you talking about?
CUT TO:
INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT. DAY
JERRY
You didn't have that much of a relation. You were nothing but a sex object to me.
ELAINE (V. O.)
Thank you so much for cheering me up.
JERRY
I guess that's the end of your plan.
ELAINE (V. O.)
Not yet.
JERRY
You have something on your mind ?
ELAINE (V. O.)
I'll think of something. Okay. I gotta go. I'll see you at Monk's so that we can talk.
JERRY
Why don't you want to call on the phone? Isn't this line safe?
ELAINE (V. O.)
I think so.
JERRY
Then why can't we talk?
CUT TO:
INT. ELAINE'S APARTMENT. DAY
ELAINE
Because I'm paying the call, okay? Bye, Jerry.
ELAINE HANGS UP.
CUT TO:
INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT. DAY
JERRY HANGS UP.
KRAMER SLIDES IN.
KRAMER
I've just talked to Larry.
JERRY
You used my car phone again?
KRAMER
I'll said I'll pay you.
JERRY
Yeah right... So, what did he say?
KRAMER
He said that he'll be back in a few days.
JERRY
But you said that he would be staying there for two more weeks.
KRAMER
I guess he's missing this.
JERRY
How can anyone miss this?
KRAMER
Got anything to eat?
KRAMER GOES TO THE REFRIGERATOR.
JERRY
There's some Chinese leftovers there. Help yourself.
GEORGE ENTERS.
GEORGE
Hi.
JERRY
Hey.
GEORGE
Did you talk to Elaine?
JERRY
Yes.
KRAMER
(TALKING WITH HIS MOUTH FULL) What happened?
GEORGE AND JERRY LOOK AT EACH OTHER UNABLE TO UNDERSTAND WHAT KRAMER JUST SAID.
JERRY
It didn't work out. Frank broke up with Elaine before she could do anything.
GEORGE
So, the guy is a bisexual and an anticipator? What a combination.
KRAMER
(MORE CLEAR) What's she gonna do now?
JERRY
I don't know. but I think that's the least of your concerns.
JERRY WALKS SLOWLY TOWARDS KRAMER.
KRAMER STEPS BACK.
KRAMER
What d'you mean?
JERRY
I mean, I want my money back. Now.
KRAMER
Jerry, I said I'll pay you.
JERRY
I don't wanna hear any promises!
KRAMER
You know me. I'm your friend, Jerry. I'm your friend.
JERRY
Don't apologize! Get out and go get my money or you're gonna feed the fish!
KRAMER
But you don't have a fish.
JERRY
Are you mocking me?
KRAMER IS QUIET FOR A SECOND THEN STARTS TO LAUGH HISTERICALLY.
KRAMER
Y'know, for a moment I thought you were serious. You're funny, Jerry. You're a very funny man.
JERRY
(PICKS KRAMER'S NOSE) You think I'm funny? You're saying I amuse you? Do you wanna see me losing my temper???
KRAMER SHAKES HIS HEAD IN TOTAL DISAGREEMENT.
JERRY
(LETS GOT KRAMER'S NOSE) Then go get my money now!
KRAMER EXITS RUNNING.
JERRY LOOKS TO A STUNNED GEORGE.
JERRY
And as for you, you bold dwarf...
GEORGE TRIES TO BACK AWAY BUT, HE'S ALREADY AGAINST THE WALL.
GEORGE
What about me?
JERRY BEGINS TO LAUGH.
JERRY
Did you see the look on his face?
GEORGE
What got into you? You looked like a gangster?
JERRY
I saw "GOODFELLAS" last night.
GEORGE
Oh. Scorsese right? With Joe Pesci and that other guy.
JERRY
Yeah.
GEORGE
Who's the other guy?
JERRY
I can't remember.
KRAMER ENTERS AGAIN.
JERRY
You're back already? Do you have my money?
KRAMER
No. But I know how to get it.
JERRY
I don't care how you get it. Just get it.
KRAMER
Okay. But I need one of your receipts from the car phone company.
JERRY
What d'you need that for?
KRAMER
I'm gonna make a phony copy of it but I'm gonna add these two calls.
JERRY
But you made the calls this month.
KRAMER
But if I show them the last month's receipt with these two calls they're gonna try to trace the calls and they won't find 'em.
JERRY
So?
KRAMER
Isn't it obvious? If they can't locate the calls, it means they were never done, right? They'll have to return me the money.
JERRY
Don't you think they have their own copy there?
KRAMER
Well, that's a risk I'm gonna have to take.
JERRY
Take whatever risks you want. Just remember one thing - if you're caught, I never saw in my life.
KRAMER
Giddy up!
KRAMER EXITS AGAIN.
GEORGE
You think he's gonna make it?
JERRY
Yes. And next time I'll go to the coffee shop, that waitress is gonna serve me.
CUT TO:
INT. CAR PHONE STORE. DAY
KRAMER WALKS TO THE COUNTER.
ASSISTANT #1
Good afternoon, sir. How may I help you?
KRAMER TAKES OUT A FOLDED SHEET FROM HIS POCKET AND UNFOLDS IT.
KRAMER
Hi. I have this receipt here from last month and I've noticed that there are two internationals calls made without my knowledge.
ASSISTANT #1
Did you make those calls?
KRAMER
No.
ASSISTANT #1
Do you know who did?
KRAMER
No.
ASSISTANT #1
Do you want me to check if those calls were made from your car phone?
KRAMER
Er... No need to do that. I just want the money.
ASSISTANT #1
I see. May I take a look at the receipt, please?
KRAMER
Sure.
KRAMER GIVES THE RECEIPT TO THE ASSISTANT #1.
THE ASSISTANT #1 LOOKS AT THE RECEIPT AND HITS A FEW KEYS ON HER KEYBOARD.
FRANK ENTERS THE STORE AND GOES TO THE COUNTER.
FRANK
Hi. I'd like to buy a phone, please.
ASSISTANT #2
Certainly sir.
CUT TO:
INT. ELAINE'S APARTMENT. DAY
ELAINE IS SITTING ON HER COUCH, WRITTING SOMETHING.
THE FLOOR IS FULL OF PAPERS.
ELAINE RIPS THE PAPER INTO TINY BITS.
ELAINE
Ah!!!!!
CUT TO:
INT. CAR PHONE STORE. DAY
ASSISTANT #1
Well, Mr. Seinfeld, I sent your request to my superiors. They're going to make an evaluation of your case and they'll contact you in twenty four hours.
KRAMER
I can't wait twenty four hours. I need the money now.
ASSISTANT
I'm sorry sir, but you're going to have to wait.
ASSISTANT #2 SHOWS FRANK SEVERAL PHONES.
KRAMER
But I need it now! I can't go home without the money!
ASSISTANT
I'm sorry. But there's really nothing I can do.
KRAMER LOOKS AROUND HIM AND SEES FRANK'S WALLET ON THE COUNTER.
KRAMER GRABS THE WALLET AND RUNS AWAY.
FRANK
Hey! That guy stole my wallet!
FRANK RUNS AFTER KRAMER BUT, HE'S BLOCKED BY THE SECURITY GUARD.
SECURITY GUARD
You have to pay that before you leave.
FRANK
He stole my wallet! Do something! Go after him!
SECURITY GUARD
That's not my job.
FRANK
That's not your job?! Okay! I'll go after him!
SECURITY GUARD
I'm sorry sir but, I cannot let you go. You'll have to wait for the police to get here.
FRANK
When the police gets here he'll be long gone!
SECURITY GUARD
That's not my problem.
FRANK
I'm gonna sue you!
SECURITY GUARD
Whatever...
CUT TO:
INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT. DAY
JERRY IS SLEEPING ON THE COUCH.
KRAMER ENTERS AND TOSSES SOME MONEY ON HIM.
JERRY
What's this?
KRAMER
There's your money! Can I come back now?
JERRY
Kramer! How did you get this? Don't tell me your plan worked.
KRAMER
Almost.
JERRY
What d'you mean "almost"?
KRAMER
Well, I went to the car phone store and I explained my situation to the assistant. So, she examined the receipt and told me that I would have to wait for twenty four hours.
THE BUZZER GOES OFF.
JERRY PICKS THE RECEIVER.
JERRY
Hello?
GEORGE (V. O.)
It's me.
JERRY
Come on up. So, how did you managed to get the money?
KRAMER
A guy standing next to me put his wallet on the counter and so I grabbed it and ran away.
JERRY
You took his wallet?
KRAMER
Yeah. But once I get the money from the car phone company, I'll send his money back to him.
JERRY
You really think they're gonna return the money?
KRAMER
I think so.
JERRY
But they're not!
KRAMER
Well, that's too bad for him.
JERRY
Who is this guy, anyway?
GEORGE ENTERS.
GEORGE
Hi.
KRAMER
His name is Frank Jones.
JERRY
Frank Jones?
GEORGE
Hey. Isn't the name of Elaine's ex-boyfriend?
JERRY
Yeah. (TO KRAMER) Do you have a picture of him?
KRAMER
Yeah, I do.
KRAMER TAKES FRANK'S WALLET FROM HIS POCKET AND PICKS OUT FRANK'S I. D. CARD.
KRAMER GIVES THE I. D. TO JERRY.
JERRY
That's him! That's the guy!
GEORGE
Let me see it.
JERRY GIVES THE I. D. TO GEORGE.
GEORGE
Oh my god... (SITS ON THE COUCH) This can't be true...
JERRY
What is it? D'you know him?
GEORGE
He... er... he was the guy I peeked at the urinal.
KRAMER
You did what?
GEORGE
I only glanced for a second, okay?
KRAMER
Why didn't you tell me you were gay, George?
GEORGE
Because I'm not!
KRAMER
I thought we were friends.
GEORGE
We're friends as long as I'm not gay.
KRAMER
Wanna be more than friends? Y'know, I have a cousin...
GEORGE
I'm not interested!
KRAMER
I think you gonna like him. He's very sensitive. Just like you.
GEORGE
Shut up!
KRAMER
Do you want me to fix a date with you two?
GEORGE TRIES TO STRANGLE KRAMER.
JERRY
Stop that! Go kill yourselves outside. I don't want any corpses lying in here!
GEORGE CALMS DOWN.
GEORGE
I'm sorry, Jerry. I have to go now.
GEORGE EXITS.
KRAMER
Man! These short people can be very peculiar...
JERRY
No doubt about that.
KRAMER
Okay, I have to go now. I'll see tonight at Monk's, okay?
JERRY
(ENLIGHTENED) Larry's back?
KRAMER
He's back!
JERRY
He's back?
KRAMER
He's back, Jerry!
KRAMER HITS THE DOOR WITH HIS HEAD AND EXITS.
JERRY RUNS TO THE WINDOW AND YELLS OUT.
JERRY
Larry's back!
CUT TO:
EXT. STREET. DAY
GEORGE LOOKS UP AND SEES JERRY ON THE WINDOW.
JERRY
(YELLING) Larry's back! Larry's back!
GEORGE BEGINS TO YELL AND JUMPING ON THE SIDEWALK.
GEORGE
Larry's back! Larry's back!
CUT TO:
INT. ELAINE'S APARTMENT. NIGHT
ELAINE IS SLEEPING ON THE COUCH.
SHE IS COVERED WITH PAPER.
THE PHONE RINGS.
ELAINE WAKES UP AND ANSWERS IT.
ELAINE
Er... hi. Oh. Hi, Jerry. I was just... What? He's back? I'll be right there!
ELAINE HANGS UP.
ELAINE
He's back!
CUT TO:
INT. MONK'S NIGHT
JERRY, GEORGE, ELAINE AND KRAMER ARE SITTING ON THEIR OLD SPOT.
JERRY
Oh! This is so good!
GEORGE
What a relief!
KRAMER
Oh mama!
ELAINE
I still can't believe this! Things are finally back to normal.
GEORGE
Whatever that is.
JERRY
So, tell me Elaine, did your plan B work?
ELAINE
No, I couldn't come up with anything except for a painful wrist.
KRAMER
Are you gonna see him again?
ELAINE
Not very likely.
KRAMER
(TAKES FRANK'S WALLET FROM HIS POCKET AND GIVES IT TO ELAINE) Well, if you do, you give him this, okay?
ELAINE
Where did you get this?
KRAMER
It's a very long story.
JERRY
I still can't believe that they actually bought your story.
KRAMER
You know me. I can be very persuasive.
ELAINE
Don't worry about this, Kramer. I'll make sure he gets this.
ELAINE PUTS FRANK'S WALLET IN HER BAG.
GEORGE
Okay... Let's order.
JERRY
Who wants a burger?
THEY RAISE THEIR HANDS.
JERRY
I see we have an unanimous vote.
THE WAITRESSA APPROACHES THE TABLE.
WAITRESS
What will it be?
JERRY
Four burgers, please.
WAITRESS
I can only make three.
THEY LOOK AT THE WAITRESS.
IT'S THE SAME WAITRESS FROM THE OTHER COFFEE SHOP.
JERRY
Oh no! It's you!
END CREDITS
CUT TO:
INT. COMEDY CLUB. NIGHT
JERRY IS MAKING ONE OF HIS PERFORMANCES.
JERRY
I was on a subway station the other day and I was looking for something when I saw a map in Braille, y'know, so that blind people are able to know where things are. That made sense to me.
What I didn't understand was how were they supposed to find the map? What's a map good for if I don't know where it is? How do they know that there's a map there in the first place?
I think that if I was a blind man looking for something on a subway station, I wouldn't ask someone for the map, I would go straight to the main question.
What's so special about that map, anyway? Does it say how many steps I have to take?
Maybe if I go the map I'll read something like this:
"Turn around thirty five degrees south, walk twenty large steps or forty five short steps and once you hear the doors opening, jump in."
THE END