Ok...let me apologize right now for how long this update took (I'm especially sorry to you, Gyp-san...I know you said to make it quick) I had a lot to do at the beginning of the semester, and I really meant to update this fic earlier...really... o.o; Am I forgiven?...
Secondly, I'd like to say that this section is a lot longer than I had originally thought it would be...and I also had to change my style, yet again. But this time, it's to stay. I admit defeat and so I have gone back to good old traditional third person narrative. If anyone has anything to say about this, speak up! If not, this is how I'm going to finish out my fic...in about five more chapters...I think...eep!
Third of all...I'd like to say that there isn't as many notes this time around, but there's a lot of content in what I do have to say, so I hope you all find it at least a little interesting. I hope I will inspire some of you to do your own research ^_^
Again, thanks to everyone who reviewed last time. Your reviews encourage and inspire me to write.
Disclaimer: Do I have to keep on doing this?...grrr...it just pains me every time I have to say that Digimon and all its characters are not mine... *sniffle*
Chapter 3: Acceptance...?
Brown eyes flew open and stared up as Daisuke woke up with a start. The first thing he noticed was that it was dark. Then he realized that the ceiling was far too close to his face for it to be his ceiling...and then there was the matter of a third arm that definitely did not belong to him that was draped protectively around his chest. Daisuke slowly turned his head as his foggy mind struggled to figure out how these three revelations fit together, and what they meant. His eyes came to rest on a pair of groggily blinking violet eyes.
"What's wrong, Daisuke?" Ken mumbled as he removed his arm from Daisuke's chest and slowly sat up.
Daisuke had the feeling that something significant had just happened. It bothered him that he couldn't seem to remember what had happened right at this instant. However, the fact that it was dark did concern him and that was something he could figure out right now.
"What time is it?"
"I'm not sure exactly."
Daisuke looked over the railing and stared at the red digital lines that his brain tried to compile into numbers. Suddenly, he was very awake and sat up, nearly hitting his head on the ceiling.
"It's 10:30?! Shit! I only said that I was going to be here for dinner. My parents are going to kill me!"
"It's ok, Daisuke. Calm down. I called your parents already when I realized you had fallen asleep. They said that you could stay here for the night if you wanted."
"Oh..." The room fell silent. The white noise in Daisuke's mind suddenly became more deafening than the roar of a jet engine as he sat there thinking and wondering. Daisuke finally remembered what had happened.
/Did I really confess to him?...did I just dream that?...did he really also say that he loved me too?...or was that just part of the dream too...but then....../
"...so...Ken...Where does all this put us now?...are we more than friends?..."
"I guess so." There was another uncomfortable pause. During the span of this particular pause, Ken's mind, being the brilliant thing that it is, was trying to come up with the phrasing of what he wanted to say. It was something he had wanted to say about three hours ago, but Daisuke had passed out from the exhaustion and stresses of the day. No...the past two weeks.
"Um...Daisuke, you really like me, don't you?...um...well, I...I mean..." Ken gave a little exasperated sigh, and tried again.
"What I was trying to say is that, you know that I like you and all, and..." Seeing that Daisuke was thoroughly confused by what Ken was trying to say, Ken dug deep into his soul, and tried to borrow a little of that courage that Daisuke always stored in his heart "just for emergencies" he had said with a wink all those years ago, and in a manner reminiscent of Miyako, Ken ungracefully, yet effectively, blurted it out.
"Daisuke, will you go out with me?"
Daisuke felt torn. No one had ever asked him out before, and definitely no one as important as Ken, his best friend. This was going to take some serious thinking. On the one hand, he still wasn't really sure of himself. Truth was, he was still very unsure of what was going on inside his head. He had pretty much figured out what was going on in his heart, since most people don't randomly go around kissing other people, but it was like swallowing a bittersweet medicine. He could either accept it, or he could just continue to deny it, and go out and hopefully find a sweet girl and get married and have kids and die of old age in his bed surrounded by his grandchildren. It would be the dream life that society wanted from a male his age, and he could probably be very happy doing that if he wanted. All he had to do was turn Ken down. On the other hand, however, this was Ken. The poor guy had gone through so much pain in his life already that he really didn't need another thing to add to that list. And on top of it all off, a part of Daisuke wanted to make Ken happy and protect him for the rest of his life.
/I can adapt...I can learn to accept this and be happy...if it'll make him happy...I mean, I do love him, and all.../
"Yes, Ken...I will." Daisuke let those words flow from his heart, yet, that same heart, while rejoicing, felt extremely anxious and uneasy, and his head sensed that trouble was on the way.
By day four, Daisuke was beginning to really wonder if this whole going out thing was the right choice. After all, while he wanted to share his joy with the world, he couldn't bring himself to say anything for fear of what they would say. Every day at school was like torture. Sometimes, all he wanted to do was talk about Ken, but then that would draw too much suspicion. And then, there was Miyako to consider, after all she was still madly in love with the guy, and it didn't help much that she was still incessantly talking about Ken every day at lunch. It was beginning to feel like a tight-wire act. If Daisuke didn't like the feeling of being at the amusement park last week, this circus act was ten billion times worse. One wrong step, one wrong word, and the whole of his life as he knew it could be destroyed. And with no safety net under him, he had to continue being very careful in finding that balance between saying what he felt, saying what he felt and passing it off as a joke, and just outright lying. Courage in the face of a clear-cut enemy was one thing, but courage to face your friends, family, and all of society is another.
Ken called him every evening, not that this wasn't routine since they've been calling each other every day for the past five years, but Daisuke couldn't help but feel a little mixed and pained when he talked to Ken. As much as Daisuke loved to talk to Ken, now it seemed that Ken wanted to remind him every day of that choice that changed their relationship forever. Not that he minded either...he was in love with him, or something...
/*sigh*...this is just all so confusing.../
On the first Friday night after they started going out, Ken called him, bawling beyond words. And it took almost an hour before he could calm him down and instill enough confidence in him that everything was going to be ok. He didn't like being a hypocrite, but...well, situations were just not the same for him as they were for Ken. He had said a lot of things that night that he didn't believe in, at least, not for himself, and that left him feeling a little...unbalanced. And since everything seemed alright again, Daisuke took it as a sign that what he had said that night were the right things to say.
The second Friday night after they started going out, right after dinner, Ken unexpectedly showed up at his door.
Violet eyes looked up the height of the mansion until they came to rest on the window of his boyfriend's room. The lights were out. He didn't really expect them to be on either, though because right now, at this moment, Ken was expecting Daisuke to be settling into the living room sofa, wriggling around until he found his favorite spot, and getting set to play some more Dragon's Quest. It wasn't the best time to come and do this sort of thing, and Ken knew that Daisuke might be a little miffed about having to get up from his game, but sometimes, there were things too important to talk about that can't be settled by a phone call.
The past two weeks had been great between them on Ken's side, but he couldn't help but feel like somehow, Daisuke wasn't feeling as good about the relationship. Ken had called him every night, just as he had done for the past five years, but obviously, there was a different feeling now. Ken felt much more at ease, and this new freedom to express how much he loved Daisuke was wonderful, but something felt off.
/I'm afraid I may have rushed Daisuke into a relationship he's not ready for. As if I'm one to talk...though I am a little bit more ready, I suppose.../
Things had not been as well at home for Ken in the past two weeks, however, things were definitely looking up.
/It's been a week since I brought it up...and they seem to be taking it well. I just hope that they can genuinely accept it one day./
Ken closed his eyes, and remembered that day...
"Mama, papa...do you remember when you said that if I ever had a problem, that I could always trust you to help me and support me...?" Ken tentatively asked.
"Yes, Ken dear." That was his mother, always calling him "dear" or some other affectionate names.
"What's troubling you, son?" And that was his father, who constantly reminded him that he was of the male gender.
"Well, I..."
"It's ok, you can trust us, sweetie." She gave her son a smile.
"Well, it's...I'm worried about something...er..." Ken shuffled his feet under the dining table as he looked down at the slab of wood on four legs. The Ichijoujis had just finished dinner, and instead of his usual retreat into the sanctity of his room, Ken had decided to break the news to his parents. His mother was at the sink, washing up the dishes, while his father was sitting on the living room couch, getting ready to catch up on the worldly events of the day.
"Um...I don't want to upset either of you, and both of you have been really good parents to me...and..."
"Don't worry, Ken. We're your parents and we'll try very hard to understand anything you have to say. We love you, and will always try to support you, if it means that you'll be happy."
Somehow, his mother always knew what to say. Feeling a little better and a little more confident, Ken told his parents.
"Mama, papa, I am in love with Daisuke Motomiya."
Suddenly, the room was silent, even though the water was still rushing from the tap, and the television continued to blare about the most recent suicide bombing in Israel. At first, Ken, too focused in his own thoughts, thought he heard the sputtering of water as he watched it flow from the spout with unfocused eyes, but as he snapped out of it, he was aware that the sputtering was the voice of his very upset father.
"D-D-Daisuke Motomiya?! But he's your best friend, a-a-and he's a guy...Ken, are you telling us what I think you're telling us?!?"
Ken took a chance and glanced upwards towards his father, who had moved from the couch over to the sink where his mother was looking a little pale.
"I...I..."
"That's all that needs to be said, son. Now, please go to your room while your mother and I discuss this." His father was obviously trying to remain civil and Ken could see the struggle in his eyes as it flashed anger, pain and disappointment.
Ken tried to keep his composure as he walked to his room, but as soon as he was out of the kitchenette, Ken felt tears streaming down his face. He tried to walk the rest of the way to his room, but his heart clenched up so much that he felt as though he couldn't breathe. He ran the rest of the way, slamming the door shut on the way in. Ken locked his door. He felt that he just couldn't face his parents again for the rest of the night. As he slid down the back of the door, and onto the floor, Ken cried soft, soundless tears. He was determined to not let his parents know how much this hurt. It didn't take long before his will was broken, and he had to let someone know.
Ken walked to his phone and dialed the only phone number he could remember.
"Moshi, Moshi. Motomiya residence." Fate was strange, but it could be merciful at times too. This was one of those times.
Ken couldn't do anything but sob lightly into the receiver.
"Moshi, Moshi...who is this?...moshi, moshi..."
"D-D-Daisuke..." Ken stuttered weakly.
"Ken?! Oh, gods, Ken! What's wrong?" Daisuke sounded extremely worried. Ken had never cried like this to him before.
"I...I...told my parents..."
"Oh, gods..."
There was silence on the other side. Ken heard Daisuke breathing, but he wasn't sure what Daisuke was thinking, and that scared him.
"Daisuke?...please...say something..." Ken was pleading.
"Um...I guess they didn't take it so well..." was all Daisuke could say.
"No. I don't know...I mean, they said they wanted to discuss it." Ken was trying to calm down, but his worried state didn't let him, and he continued to cry. A fresh flood of tears accompanied the flood of words. "I don't know what they're going to say, Daisuke. I'm afraid they'll reject me. Even though they said they'd support me no matter what and that they'd love me, well, is love enough?..."
Daisuke quietly listened to his friend as Ken continued to cry and vent, letting out all his fears and worries. Ken was grateful that his partner seemed to understand. After a while, the sobbing quieted down, and Ken felt exhausted and spent.
"Ken..." Daisuke's soft voice spoke to him. "Ken... I'm sure they love you, and they mean everything they said...I mean, they just want what's best for you, and they just want you to be happy, right?..."
Ken thought about this, thinking about what his parents have always told him since he became "good" Ken again, then hesitantly answered, "I guess so...but still..."
"Ken, I think that you should have a little more faith in your parents."
/Daisuke seems to have faith in my parents. Why can't I? They've been nothing but supportive all these years.../ Ken was curious as to where the roots of Daisuke's faith came from.
/Maybe he's already told his parents?.../
"And what makes you so sure? Have you told your parents?"
"...um...well, no...but I will...soon..." Daisuke sounded kind of forced as he said those words, but Ken didn't actually think about that until much later.
Finally, after what seemed like forever, Ken felt that he had some amount of confidence back.
"Hey, Daisuke..."
"Yeah?..."
"Thank you so much...for being here..."
"Awww, Ken..." Daisuke sighed. "Isn't that what a boyfriend is for?..." And Ken could almost see the silly grin Daisuke would be giving him right then, and tried to smile a little in return.
"I...I..."
"Shush, Ken. You don't need to say any more. Now I want you to go and solve some math problems or something, get your mind off of this. When your parents are ready, they'll come to you."
"Ok..."
"...and Ken, I don't... think we should see each other this weekend. Maybe we should give your parents some time to get used to the idea first."
"Yeah..." Ken was disappointed to say the least, but he knew that Daisuke was right. "Do you think I can still call you?"
"I guess so..."
Ken had thought of something right then. He felt like he was at one of those emotion-counseling sessions. It was strange to say the least.
"Say, Daisuke, when did you become the leading expert in people relations?"
"Huh?...Hey, is that a crack on my intelligence, Ichijouji?...Of all the people, my own boyfriend insults me! I'm not stupid, you know!"
"Yeah, I know." By now, Ken was all smiles. "I know better than anyone else."
After he had gotten off the phone with Daisuke, Ken decided it was just better to go straight to bed. As he stepped out of his room to go to the bathroom, he could hear muffled talking through the door that separated the kitchenette from the hallway. Heeding Daisuke's advice, Ken stayed away, and tried to pretend that this was like any other day, and proceeded to get ready for bed. On his way out of the bathroom, he noticed that his parents were no longer in the kitchenette. Thinking they had gone to talk in the privacy and comfort of their own bedroom, Ken returned to his own. When he reached his own room, however, his parents were waiting with expressions Ken couldn't read.
Ken joined his parents on the floor. This was something they had established a long time ago. Whenever the three of them needed to talk about something, they would all sit on an equal plane. It was his parents' way of saying that they all had equal say in the matter to be discussed. Right at this moment, the most equal plane was the floor.
To say there was tension is an understatement. Ken's parents were holding hands, and Mr. Ichijouji looked like he was channeling what little energy he could spare into his wife, as she sat there trying to comprehend everything. Ken just looked at the floor, and tried to resist his urge to yell and/or run away.
Three sounds existed in the room for the next few moments of eternity until they were drowned out by a fourth. The first was the sound of clothes rustling. The second was the drone of modern technology. The third was the sound of Ken's father clearing his throat. The fourth, well, the fourth was the sound of serious parental statements.
"Ken, your mother and I discussed this before, a long time ago. Well, not this specific issue, but this sort of situation. And son, we are going to stick to our word. We promised you that we would support you and try to understand you no matter what the situation. So even in this, we will honor our words."
Ken was stunned. This was like a fairy-tale in real life, but he couldn't have a fairy-tale ending in his life. It's almost like Daisuke was prophetic, and Ken just sat there, gears spinning, understanding that his parents were at least going to make an effort to support him in his choice.
"Ken, honey, I know we shouldn't have done this, but we listened to your conversation with Daisuke just now..." Evidently, Ken's mother felt guilty about the whole thing. Ken wasn't all that surprised that they had listened in.
"It's just that, well, I was afraid that you would disappear again. We both know how much you like to go to the Digital World when you're upset, and we didn't want you to leave without hearing what we had to say. So we went to your the door to make sure you were still here, and that's when we heard you talking with Daisuke..."
/That's all true enough...The Digital World...if this had been only a few years earlier, that's probably what I would have done...run away.../
"...When I heard how upset you were, and when I heard all your fears, I realized that you were very scared of losing us. But in reality, we were afraid of losing you. We love you so much, honey. You have to believe us. The only thing we want now is for you to be happy. We made the mistake of making you conform to our ideals once before. We're not going to do it again. So..."
"Oh, mama..." Ken had heard enough. He knew then, as he enveloped his mother in a teary hug, that his parents genuinely meant what they had said, that his happy ending was real.
Ken snapped out of his reminiscing. His parents had kept true to their word and were trying very hard to help their son. Every evening at dinner, they had tried to incorporate Daisuke into the conversation some how. At first, it was strange, and a little uncomfortable, but the progress each side was making showed that they were determined to overcome this obstacle together as a family. Shaking his head lightly, Ken chuckled to himself as he made his way to the elevator of the mansion, where he focused on the task at hand: the reason he came all the way to Odaiba unannounced.
Looking back on it now, Ken supposed he was pretty stupid in doing what he did. Very un-genius like. What had possessed him to ask Daisuke out without thinking it all the way through?
/Well, I guess that's what happens when you give a love-starved genius two inches and a glimmer of hope./
All joking aside though, Ken was feeling pretty bad about his irresponsibility. All the clues pointed to the conclusion that Daisuke wasn't ready to handle all the consequences and hardships he had to face. He knew he should have waited and held out until he knew all the facts of the situation. He knew he should have talked more thoroughly with Daisuke before making such a big decision. He knew...he knew that he always made big decisions with his heart. And that was the worst thing about him. He became the Kaiser, not because he knew what he was doing exactly, but because he wanted, needed to. He didn't even know that the Digital World was a real place, and he had decided to become a cruel, dominating, grotesque creature who had control and power over all. He decided to join the digidestined later, not because of some logical argument that Daisuke and the rest of them had thrown at him, but rather because he was sick of feeling alone. Even though he wanted to punish himself, he was also alone, and a part of him was too scared to face his punishments and consequences alone. So he joined the group to calm his turbulent and violent emotions. And now, he had decided to go out with someone, who, the more he thought about it, seemed like he just wasn't ready.
/How could I have made the same mistake again? Poor Daisuke must be suffering. And if I know that goggle head, he's probably under some foolish notion that you'll do anything for the one you love. I should really end this now.../
And so, it was with that resolve, Ken found himself exiting the elevator and walking towards the door of the Motomiya residence.
Notes:
-Poor Daisuke. He goes from one kind of denial to another. He just doesn't quit, does he?... -_-
-Daisuke lives in a mansion...like every other Japanese person who lives in a city. In Japan, apartment buildings are called "mansions" (romanji: manshon), though they could be called an "apartment" (romanji: apaato). In my (limited) experience in Japanese class, I've usually heard the buildings called mansions and the actual apartment called an apaato. For example, the name of the building Ken lives in, as shown in the show, is called "Tamachi (T.M.) Mansion." It would be cool if Daisuke lived in a mansion though... ^_^
-Sorry, Daisuke-lovers...I seemed to have focused a lot on Ken this time around (though Ken did finally get to have a happy ending ^_^ ). Next time, I'll definitely have more Daisuke.
-Ken's experience with his parents is obviously a very ideal one, though it does happen where parents are extremely supportive, once they get over the shock. Interestingly enough, though, because the Japanese do not hold the same set of values as Americans, the way people deal with homosexuals is different. In the most simplest way of putting it, without getting in to a thesis paper length blurb (dang, I wish I could reproduce some of the stuff I have...but that would violate copyright laws...not like this fic isn't... -_-;; ), is to say that Japanese society runs on a "don't ask, don't tell" type of system. Since it's rude to pry normally, that sorta spills over into things like sexuality. But even that is viewed differently. Here's a little quote from the review "Pride and Prejudice" (see reference below).
"...core notions of Western discourse such as identity and community differ in meaning and importance from Western contexts. 'Gay identity' is a concept many Japanese do not readily understand, and the idea that sexual preference is the main determinant of one's identity is seen as odd. Most people have no business knowing about the personal matter of their sexuality and coming out is often regarded as improper (Lunsing, pg.119)."
Homosexuality is a very infused part of Japanese history, as recent as the end of the 19th century, and because they lacked the Judeo-Christian view in their culture (except during the American Occupation and one other brief time period in their history), their current culture is much more free and accepting in this aspect of life. Also, with the recent resurgence of gays and lesbians in the 90's and the establishment of a "Japanese Greenwich Village" in the form of Shinjuku, Tokyo, it's entirely possible that you could come out to your family, and they wouldn't even bat an eyelash. This doesn't mean, however, that everyone can accept themselves either. Just because your society's a little more lenient, doesn't mean that everything's all peachy. In "Pride and Prejudice", you get a little look (which is furthered in the featured book by Ito and Yanase) into the inner conflict that can occur because Japanese culture is at a crossroad with Western culture. Course, for the sake of this fic, me being an American writer and all, and I'm writing for a mostly Western audience, I'm going to focus more on the Western experience. For more interesting reads, in English, about history and personal experiences of gays in Japan:
http://www.westernbuddhistreview.com/vol3/homosexuality.html - an interesting read about the history of homosexuality in Japanese Buddhism and how that affected Japanese culture from the 13th to the 19th century.
Lunsing, Wim. "Pride and Prejudice." Japan: People, Power & Opinion, October-November 2001, 188-119. - a review of some books that deal with the gay experience in Japan, as well as a brief overview. Books and essays reviewed include:
Ito, Satoru and Yanase, Ryuta. Coming Out in Japan: The Story of Satoru and Ryuta. Translated by F. Conlan. Melbourne: Trans Pacific Press, 2001. - a book I have yet to personally read, since it's a hefty chunk at $30 depending on where you find it (the library would probably be best... -_-;; )
McLelland, Mark J. Male Homosexuality in Modern Japan: Cultural Myths and Social Realities. Richmond: Curzon Press, 2000. - again, another one best found at the library for free...this one's expensive...
All other essays that are mentioned in the review I will leave to the reader to find...gotta do /some/ work... ^_~
Happy reading!