THE SEX ISSUES
A Seinfeld fan fiction script
by
Joel G. Gomes
Cell–phone number: 91 877 25 96
Address: Rua de Angola, 48 1º dto
2835–107 Baixa da Banheira
E–mail(s): joel_gomes2002@yahoo.com
gomes_joel@hotmail.com
November 2002
INT. COMEDY CLUB. NIGHT
JERRY IS ON STAGE.
JERRY
Sex is everywhere. It's almost impossible not to talk about it. If you notice carefully, you'll see that everything we do, has to do with sex. For example, when we wash our clothes. We do it because we wanna look good to captive our sexual partner.
Some people do everything they can to avoid sexual pleasure, but I think that's not enough. I think the only way to avoid sex is to be locked up in a room with a chastity belt. And even then, I'm not sure.
CUT TO:
INT. MONK'S. DAY
JERRY AND GEORGE ARE HAVING COFFEE.
GEORGE
So tell me something... (BEAT) Do you think dead people can pleasure themselves?
JERRY
Why? You're planning on killing yourself soon?
GEORGE
No. I'd just like to know what you think.
JERRY
In what way?
GEORGE
You know... Self dependence.
JERRY
Well, I don't think so. But, even if they could, d'you honestly believe it would make any difference to the fact that they're dead?
GEORGE
No. But, at least, it would give them something to spend their time with.
JERRY
George, listen to me. Listen carefully, okay?
GEORGE
What?
JERRY
They are dead! Dead! They don't need entertainment. Wh-where do you come up with this stuff?
GEORGE
I think this a very interesting subject.
JERRY
What happened to toilet paper?
GEORGE
I stopped using that.
JERRY
But only as a subject of conversation, right?
GEORGE
Of course.
JERRY
Well, I'm sure there are scientists working on this issue. Maybe even putting cameras inside caskets and treating corpses like rab rats. Testing artificial insemination on female bodies, mating attempts with-
GEORGE
Okay! Okay!
JERRY
(LAUGHS) And...
GEORGE
Okay! I got it!
ELAINE COMES IN. SHE IS RADIANT.
SHE JOINS THEM.
ELAINE
Hi!
JERRY
Hey.
GEORGE
Hi, Elaine.
JERRY
(SMILES) Hmm...
ELAINE
What?
JERRY
How is he?
ELAINE
How's who?
JERRY
Your new boyfriend.
ELAINE
What makes you think I have a new boyfriend?
JERRY
I can tell when you have a new boyfriend.
ELAINE
Is it because of my radiance?
JERRY
No. It has more to do with the fact that you've dumped the last one, four days ago.
ELAINE LAUGHS.
JERRY
So tell me, what's he like?
ELAINE
Oh! He's a director.
GEORGE
What kind of director?
ELAINE
I don't know. The kind that... directs.
JERRY
What's his name?
ELAINE
Kris Kramski.
JERRY
Kris Kramski?
GEORGE
What kind of name is that?
JERRY
Sounds like a name for a sports company from Eastern Europe.
ELAINE
He was born in France. He came to America when he was young.
JERRY
Have you seen any of his stuff?
ELAINE
Not yet. He invited me for a late night session at his apartment tonight.
JERRY
A late night session of what?
ELAINE
(SMILES) Whatever it comes.
CUT TO:
INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT. NIGHT
JERRY IS WATCHING TV.
THE BUZZER SOUNDS.
JERRY GETS UP AND ANSWERS IT.
JERRY
Yeah?
KATE (OS)
It's Kate.
JERRY
Come on up.
JERRY RETURNS TO THE SOFA.
KRAMER COMES IN.
KRAMER
Hey Jerry, do you have a screwdriver?
JERRY
Check out the kitchen drawer.
KRAMER GOES TO THE KITCHEN AND CHECKS THE DRAWER IN AN INEVITABLE CLUMSY WAY.
JERRY
Careful there.
KRAMER PRODUCES A SCREWDRIVER FROM THE DRAWER.
KRAMER
Found it!
KRAMER WALKS TO THE DOOR.
THE DOOR OPENS. KATE ENTERS.
KRAMER TWITCHES WHEN HE SEES HER AND LEAVES.
JERRY GETS UP AND KISSES KATE.
KATE
What was that all about?
JERRY
Don't worry. You'll get used to it.
CUT TO:
INT. KRAMSKI'S HOUSE. NIGHT
THE LIGHT IS PALE. ELAINE IS SITTING ON SOFA. KRIS IS CHECKING A BOX FILLED VHS TAPES.
ELAINE
Are you going to show me your stuff tonight or what?
KRIS (FRENCH ACCENT)
I'll be ready in a minute! Ah! Here's my favorite!
ELAINE
Is this one yours?
KRIS
Not yet. I thought I show you the work of one my favorite artists in the business.
ELAINE
What's his name?
KRIS
Murakawa Tooru. The movie is called "A PLAY OF WHITE FINGERS".
ELAINE
Sounds interesting. What's the story?
KRIS
You'll see. I don't want to spoil the surprise.
KRIS PUTS THE TAPE IN THE VCR AND SITS NEXT TO ELAINE. HE GRABS THE REMOTE AND PRESSES THE PLAY BUTTON.
HE HEAR MOANS FROM THE PICTURE. IT'S A PORNO MOVIE.
ELAINE IS SHOCKED. KRIS LOOKS VERY PROUD.
CUT TO:
INT. JERRY'S BEDROOM. NIGHT
JERRY AND KATE ARE HAVING SEX. THE CLOCK INDICATES 0.05.
CUT TO:
INT. JERRY'S BEDROOM. NIGHT
THE CLOCK NOW INDICATES 2.35.
JERRY AND KATE ARE LYING ON THE BED, LOOKING TO THE CEILING. JERRY IS TIRED AND KATE IS CLEARLY UPSET.
JERRY
I can take this anymore! You're draining my vital energy out of me!
KATE
I like to extend my period of pleasure, okay?
JERRY
That's easy for you to say, but what about me? I can't hold on for two hours! At least, not every day. I need to get some rest.
KATE
You know what? You can be very selfish sometimes.
JERRY LOOKS AT KATE.
CUT TO:
INT. COMEDY CLUB. NIGHT
JERRY IS ON STAGE.
JERRY
Society has imposed us that men are not allowed to refuse sex. When a woman tells "I don't feel like it", it's because we have a problem. Either bad breath, extreme B. O. or physical disability and we have to accept whatever the reason she says.
The sad thing is that we have nothing to excuse ourselves with. They got the period and stuff like that, but men don't have nothing. Whenever they want, we have to do it. Love till death do us part.
CUT TO:
INT. MONK'S. DAY
JERRY AND GEORGE ARE HAVING BREAKFAST.
GEORGE IS A BIT DEPRESSED. JERRY IS TIRED.
GEORGE
Relax. It happens to everyone. Even me.
JERRY
I'm not worried about everyone. I'm worried about me?
GEORGE
Who are you to complain? At least, in your case, she reacts. I'm lucky, if she even sighs.
KRAMER ENTERS WEARING A PAIR OF SUNGLASSES. HE SITS NEXT TO GEORGE.
KRAMER
Hey. (TO THE WAITRESS) Can I have some coffee, please?
JERRY
What's that?
KRAMER
Sunglasses.
JERRY
That I can see. Why are you wearing them. We're in the middle of the Winter. There is no sun out there.
KRAMER
You mean I'm not allowed to wear sunglasses when I want?
THE WAITRESS BRINGS KRAMER'S COFFEE.
KRAMER
Thanks.
GEORGE
(LOOKS CAREFULLY AT KRAMER'S FACE) What's that on your face?
KRAMER
Where?
GEORGE
Right there. Under the glasses.
KRAMER
It's nothing.
JERRY
Let me see.
KRAMER
I'm telling you it's nothing.
JERRY
If it's nothing, then you have no reason why we shouldn't see it.
KRAMER
Alright...
KRAMER TAKES OFF HIS SUNGLASSES. HIS LEFT EYE IS SWOLLEN.
JERRY
What happened?
GEORGE
Looks like you were punched.
JERRY LOOKS TO GEORGE.
KRAMER
I was... er... involuntarily forced to participate in an aggression.
JERRY
How's that?
KRAMER
Last night, when I was coming home, I saw this amazing woman. She was like a goddess! Man! Blonde, her body was like a Buddhist temple, covered with a short and tight white dress.
GEORGE
Wow!
JERRY
So you looked?
KRAMER
How could I not? The guy behind her was hypnotized by her rear end too.
GEORGE
Then what?
KRAMER
Well, then the guy noticed me and walked towards me. He punched me in the eye and said "That's for looking at my girlfriend!"
JERRY
That's unbelievable. Just because you looked? (TAKES A SIP FROM HIS COFFEE) So that's the state of the world today, isn't it? In the last two thousand years, that's what mankind has accomplished. You can't look to a woman without being punched.
GEORGE
If they don't want us to look at their women, maybe they should keep her looked inside the house. Or paint them with invisible ink.
JERRY
That's what I call a great idea.
KRAMER
What about you? Is everything okay?
GEORGE
He's having trouble with his girlfriend.
JERRY
Oh! I almost forgot! I wanted to ask you something.
KRAMER
About what?
JERRY
About what happened at my place the other day when you saw my new girlfriend.
KRAMER
I don't know. She looked very familiar. I think I've seen her before.
JERRY
Where do you know her from?
KRAMER
I don't know exactly. What's the matter with her?
JERRY
She's a starved.
KRAMER
And you're afraid you can't deal with it?
GEORGE
I've already asked him if he wants some help but he refuses.
JERRY
I don't help.
GEORGE
We're your friends. We want to help you.
JERRY
Why don't you go help your girlfriend instead?
KRAMER
If one of you happens to die from exhaustion, can I have your kidney?
GEORGE
Not mine. I wanna be cremated.
JERRY
(TO KRAMER) And if you meet again the guy that did that to your eye, you might just get that same fate..
CUT TO:
INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT. DAY
JERRY IS WORKING AT HIS COMPUTER.
ELAINE COMES IN AND PUTS HER PURSE ON THE TABLE. SHE TAKES OFF HER COAT AND SITS ON THE COUCH.
JERRY GETS UP AND WALKS TO THE COUCH.
JERRY
"Hello Jerry, how are you?" "I'm fine, Elaine. What about you?"
ELAINE
Don't start. I have a lot on my mind.
JERRY
How was it?
ELAINE
I'd rather not talk about it.
JERRY SITS ON THE COUCH.
JERRY
Did he show you his stuff?
ELAINE
He showed me everything. Believe me.
JERRY
It must have been quite a night.
ELAINE
You're telling me.
JERRY
What is it?
ELAINE
Nothing.
JERRY
I can sense something is bothering you. What is it?
ELAINE
Well, he's movies are not what you should call... average.
JERRY
Is he an independent movies director?
ELAINE
Something like that. (BEAT) His latest movie is called "A DAY AT THE BEACH".
JERRY
Sounds interesting. What's the story?
ELAINE
It's about a woman in a nude beach. And she... er... has sex with everyone there.
JERRY
Explicit sex?
ELAINE
(NODS) Very explicit.
JERRY
(TAKES A DEEP BREATH) I see.
ELAINE
You look tired.
JERRY
Ah! It's Kate. She's never satisfied.
ELAINE
Looks like you have a nympho on your hands.
JERRY
What about you and Kris? You're gonna leave him?
ELAINE
I don't know. (BEAT) He kinda knows how to do it.
JERRY
I'm sure he does.
CUT TO:
INT. GEORGE'S BEDROOM. NIGHT
MAGGIE IS LOOKING AT THE CEILING.
GEORGE IS UNDER THE SHEETS DOING HIS BEST TO GIVE HER PLEASURE. SO FAR, SO BAD.
GEORGE GIVES UP AND SITS ON THE BED.
GEORGE
The least you could do was fake it.
GEORGE CROSSES HIS ARM AND SCRATCHES HIS NOSE. MAGGIE SEES THIS AND LOOKS THE OTHER WAY.
GEORGE
This wasn't a pick!
MAGGIE SCRATCHES THE TOP OF HER HEAD WITH THE PEN AND CONTINUES DOING HER CROSSWORD PUZZLE.
CUT TO:
EXT. STREET. NIGHT
ELAINE AND KRIS ARE HAVING A WALK.
KRIS SEES KATE AND WAVES TO HER. KATE APPROACHES THEM.
KATE
Hi, Kris!
KRIS
Hi, Kate. This is Elaine.
KATE
Hi!
ELAINE
Nice to meet you.
KRIS
I'm gonna start working on my new movie soon. Are you available?
CUT TO:
INT. MONK'S. DAY
JERRY AND GEORGE ARE HAVING LUNCH.
JERRY
Let me see if I got this clear. You were in bed and... you picked your nose?
GEORGE
I did not pick my nose. I scratched it. It's very different.
JERRY
Did you scratch it inside or outside?
GEORGE
It was exactly on the border.
JERRY
Then it was a pick. What happened next?
GEORGE
Well, she... er... finished her crossword puzzle and left.
JERRY
I simply can't understand how she can be so apathetic. It's just not natural.
GEORGE
Well, she told me a story that explains that.
JERRY
What?
GEORGE
She... How can I say this! Er... (BEAT) She was raped.
JERRY
Oh!
GEORGE
By ten men.
JERRY
All together?
GEORGE
Three at a time.
JERRY
And you want to keep up with them?
GEORGE
I'm doing a good job, as a matter of fact.
JERRY
So I see.
GEORGE
So, after she left, I realized something.
JERRY
What?
GEORGE
I can't help this woman.
JERRY
Looks like you finally came to your senses.
GEORGE
But I know who can.
JERRY
Wait a second! You're not thinking what I think you're thinking, are you? Because, if that's you're thinking-
GEORGE
That's exactly what I'm thinking. I'm gonna introduce Maggie to Kris.
JERRY
Are you actually willing to turn your girlfriend into a porno star?
GEORGE
Look, I know that sexual satisfaction is a very important issue in a woman's life.
JERRY
You should know that by now. That's why they always leave you.
GEORGE
So I thought to myself, it's my obligation, my duty, to make sure she gets that satisfaction. Besides, if she really becomes a star, I can be her manager.
JERRY
But you don't know how to manage anything! You can't even manage your own life!
GEORGE
This is way too easier than my life.
JERRY
You know, being a porno star it's not the best way to help a raped woman.
GEORGE FINISHES HIS MEAL AND GETS UP.
GEORGE
Okay. Time to get back to work. I'll see you later.
JERRY
Yeah, okay.
GEORGE LEAVES.
AFTER A WHILE, ELAINE ENTERS THE SHOP AND SITS NEXT TO JERRY.
ELAINE
I just met someone yesterday.
JERRY
Who?
ELAINE
One of Kris favorite actresses.
JERRY
What's her name?
ELAINE
I can't remember. But, that's not everything.
JERRY
What else?
ELAINE
He invited me too. Maybe my performance the other night drew his attention.
JERRY
You seem very excited. You're gonna accept it?
ELAINE
I don't know.
JERRY
Are you actually considering the chance of making a porno movie?
ELAINE
Of course not! I mean, it's a lot of money and so but-
JERRY
You would do it only for the money?
ELAINE
No!
JERRY
You have sex too. Lots of it.
ELAINE
That's one of the reasons I wont' do it. I'm afraid I'll get tired of sex. Do you they wear doubles on those movies?
JERRY
I don't know. Some men might.
ELAINE
Well, I suppose I could get a double.
JERRY
Well, if you accept it, be careful with what you ask him. You don't want him to confuse a double with two partners.
CUT TO:
INT. MAGGIE'S APARTMENT. NIGHT
GEORGE AND MAGGIE ARE SITTING ON THE COUCH. THEY ARE HAVING, WHAT APPEARS TO BE, A SERIOUS CONVERSATION.
GEORGE
So, the bottom part of this issue is that you and I have a problem. I mean, you have a problem and, no matter how I try, I can't seem to solve that problem. But I know you can.
MAGGIE
What are talking about, George?
GEORGE
I have a friend who knows a guy that works in the porno industry and she tells me that-
CUT TO:
INT. LOBBY. NIGHT
GEORGE IS KICKED OUT.
CUT TO:
INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT. NIGHT
JERRY AND KATE ARE MAKING OUT ON THE COUCH.
KATE STOPS AND LOOKS AT HER WATCH.
KATE
Oh! I'm gonna be late!
JERRY
Where you going?
KATE
I have an audition at nine p. m.
JERRY
For what?
KATE
For a movie.
KATE KISSES JERRY GOODNIGHT AND LEAVES.
JUST WHEN SHE'S ABOUT TO OPEN THE DOOR, ELAINE COMES IN.
ELAINE
Hi!
KATE
Hi, Elaine!
KATE LEAVES.
ELAINE WALKS TO THE COUCH AND SITS NEXT TO JERRY. SHE SMILES.
ELAINE
Well, well! What a surprise, isn't it?
JERRY DOESN'T ANSWER. HIS MIND IS NOW WORKING AT A SPEED OVER THE SPEED OF LIGHT.
JERRY
Do you know Kate?
ELAINE
She's the actress I was telling you about.
JERRY
I can't believe it! All this I've been dating a porno star?
ELAINE
No wonder she's a nympho.
KRAMER COMES IN. HE SEEMS CONCERNED.
KRAMER
Hey buddy, I have news about your girlfriend.
JERRY
It's too late. I already know.
KRAMER
Yeah... Alright.
JERRY
What's the matter?
KRAMER
I'll tell you later. Right now, I have a lot on my mind.
JERRY
Okay.
KRAMER LEAVES.
ELAINE
D'you have any idea what he was talking?
JERRY
I don't know.
ELAINE
He seemed disturbed.
JERRY
I don't pay attention to that anymore.
CUT TO:
INT. MONK'S. DAY
JERRY, GEORGE AND KRAMER ARE HAVING BREAKFAST.
JERRY
So... you heard about the latest?
GEORGE
No.
KRAMER
What?
JERRY
Elaine's boyfriend wants to make a movie with her.
KRAMER
What kind of movie?
JERRY
A season movie.
GEORGE
Mating season?
JERRY
That's right.
KRAMER
She's gonna do it?
JERRY
No. She left him. He went back to France and took Kate with him.
GEORGE
Yeah, I know. He took Maggie too.
JERRY
I thought she was offended your proposal.
GEORGE
He gave her a better cachet.
JERRY
You mean, he gave her a cachet.
GEORGE
I don't know how they can do that kind of movies without getting sick of it.
JERRY
They're very well paid.
GEORGE
Women are paid. Men's sexual functions don't require money to achieve their best level.
JERRY
From what I heard, men make less money than women on this business.
GEORGE
You think these men are hookers?
JERRY
There is no such thing as man-hooker. It's called a gigolo.
GEORGE
Gigolo's don't have sex. They go out and that's it.
KRAMER
Well, I've been doing some thinking lately and I would like to share this with you.
JERRY
What is it?
KRAMER
(TAKES A DEEP BREATH) My father was a gigolo.
JERRY
Really? How come you never told me?
KRAMER
It's not an easy thing to say.
JERRY
You could have said something.
KRAMER
I couldn't. You see, I was an accident.
JERRY
I can see that.
KRAMER
It was because of his job that my mother got pregnant. She was one of his most favorite customers. At first, they weren't very pleased about having a son, but then they managed to accept it.
GEORGE
She could have done an abortion or something.
KRAMER
No. My father would never allow that. He wanted to be proud of his son.
JERRY
And then you came along. Life can be very unfair sometimes.
CUT TO:
INT. COMEDY CLUB. NIGHT
JERRY IS ON STAGE.
JERRY
Some directors are just too perfectionists. I wonder if there are any porno directors like that. Y'know, the actor is doing his job and then, suddenly, something comes out. We see the director getting up, throwing his baseball cap on the ground.
"No! No! Cut! It's only after she says she's almost there! Not before! After! Whatta hell do ya think you're doing?"
"I'm sorry. I got excited!"
"That's your problem, pal. Okay people! Let's do this again! And this time, try to hold on, okay?"
THE END