Kakaratt opened her eyes slowly, hissing when bright light assaulted them. She sat up, rubbing her eyes. 'Where the hell am I?' She looked around. *Aww man! I did it again!* She was in a park, in the morning, having spent the night there. She pushed her self to her feet, and pricked her hand on something. A syringe. No, two of them. She sniffed them. One was heroin, the other was cocaine. 'Now I remember!' she exclaimed out loud.
'Oww....' came a groan behind her. She looked around to see someone crawling up.
'Who're you?' she asked.
'You don't remember?' replied the voice. Kakaratt yelped. It was a girl. 'Last night?' Kakaratt shook her head. 'We're in the same class. You, me, your brother and that black dude went out for a night on the town. You found a dealer and got smashed?' Kakaratt shook her head.
'One's coke, the other's heroin. Which did I take?' Kakaratt asked.
'You took them both,' said the red headed girl, who was about Kakaratt's age. 'Then you asked me to have sex with you.' Kakaratt's eyes bugged out of her skull. They were both wearing clothes. Did she really fuck this girl, whom she couldn't remember ever meeting?
'And did I?' asked Kakaratt anxiously.
'It depends. When you asked for sex, I assumed you meant intercourse. It turned out that you meant for me to kick the crap out of you. I don't know. I mean, you were so out of it. I'd say you couldn't think straight.' Kakaratt's face lit up in understanding. She suddenly noticed that she was sore all over.
'And the fact that I'm in a great deal of blissful agony means that you did it?' assumed Kakaratt.
'No,' answered the girl. 'You got into a fight with a nun and you attacked her, only she turned out to be able to defend herself really, really well, and knocked you out. I brought you here last night.'
'Oh yeah! Now I remember!'
-
Flashback
-
The nun, who was easily 85, dusted her hands as she stood over Kakaratt, who was lapsing into unconcioness. 'Now remember, sweety,' she said nicely, with no hint of malice, 'that god loves you and your family, even though everybody else thinks you're a bunch of cunts.'
-
-
'Man. Remind me never to attack a nun ever again,' said Kakaratt. The two got up, dusted themselves off, and walked down a dirt path which led to a fence with a city park on the other side. They both exited the off limit area and made their way to school, talking the whole way.
Just as they arrived at OSH, Kakaratt felt her blood run cold. 'Oh I am fucked,' she said in a deadly whisper.
'What?' asked her companion, wondering what Kakaratt meant. Kakaratt pointed at a huge banner that hung from OSH.
"Drug test today."
'Ok ok, so you've done cocaine and heroin in the last day. It's not that bad. Right?'
'Of course!' exclaimed Kakaratt. 'After all, you have to be at least 16 to be arres.......uh oh. I'm scared. Hold me!' Kakaratt put her arm around the other girl's neck and leapt into the air. The girl had enough cop on to catch her, so that she was cradling her. Just then a teacher came by. The same teacher who had seen Axel and Qbuu in a similar situation on Monday. He looked at them really strangely and walked on.
-
In the first class, Kakaratt and her new friend (whose name she still didn't know) sat in the back. Axel was back on tour to do three more concerts, and Qbuu was nowhere to be found. They were in maths.
'ATTEN-TION!' barked the teacher, who was dressed as an army officer and had huge amounts of medals. He had a really slim waist, and a huge, bulky chest. 'WE DID NOT HAVE A MATH CLASS YESTERDAY, SO TODAY I WILL REINTRODUCE MYSELF,' he said very loudly. 'WITHIN THE SCHOOL BUILDING, I AM KNOWN AS MAJOR ERECTION!' Kakaratt burst out into hysterical laughter. Major Erection tried to ignore Kakaratt. 'I FOUGHT A LONG, HARD BATTLE AGAINST THE SOVIETS DURING THE COLD WAR, AND HAVE RETIRED TO BE WHAT I ALWAYS WANTED TO BE: A MATHS TEACHER!' This only caused Kakaratt to laugh harder.
'Leaping from abacus to abacus, over the vast expanse of calculus!' laughed Kakaratt mockingly. 'Algebra. Geometry. Axial Symmetry. Mighty fractions! Ohhhhhhhh.....I'm a maths teacher and I'm ok,' she would have gone on, but she collapsed out of her seat holding her side, which ached due to laughing so hard. Major Erection glared at her harder.
'MISSY, IT IS A NAME THAT DESERVES RESPECT. I ONCE SPENT 2 YEARS IN A JAPANESE PRISON CAMP LIVING OFF THE BARK OF THE CAGE I WAS KEPT IN. MY NAME, MAJOR LEE BIG ERECTION IS THE MOST RESPECTED NAME IN THE ARMY! WHAT HAVE YOU EVER DONE?!' Kakaratt didn't answer. After about 3 minutes she managed to stop laughing, and with a crazy grin, got back into her seat. 'NOW, FOR THE ROLL CALL!'
He began to ring off names.
'KAKARATT?'
'Here'
'BEN DOVER?'
No answer.
'BEN DOVER?' He called again. Kakaratt was doing her damnedest to keep from laughing. Major Erection decided to move on.
'E. JACK EULATION?' No answer. Kakaratt had both hands clamped over her mouth and was madly kicking her feet to keep from laughing.
'MASTER JOHN THURSDAY?'
'Here'
'A. ROWSAUL?' No answer. 'KAKARATT! CONTAIN YOURSELF!'
'IVAN ERECTION!'
'Nice to know that, sir!' said Kakaratt. Major Erection stalked over to Kakaratt.
'STUDENT!! DO YOU FIND SOMETHING FUNNY ABOUT MY GRANDSONS NAME!?' Kakaratt looked all over the room and saw a student that look a lot like the Major. He was indeed Major Erection's descendant.
'No sir!' said Kakaratt between her sobbing laughter.
'GOOD!' He went back to his desk. 'HONESTLY! YOU'RE LUCKY I'M SUCH A NICE MAN. BACK IN THE BEGINNING OF CAREER, I HAD A FRIEND IN MY UNIT WHO WOULD HAVE TAKEN ACTION ALREADY. PRIVATE PARTZ WAS A GOOD SOLDIER!!' A fresh wave of laughter overtook Kakaratt. Before any more could be said, the door burst open and Axel and Qbuu stormed in. *Oh great* thought Kakaratt. *He put one of the Axel robots in his place to play on stage again.* They were both moving like SWAT police, and had their hands together in the form of a gun.
'Move move move!' cried Axel. Major Erection moved to intervene, but Axel held out his arm to halt him.
'Relax sir!! The situation is under control!'
'WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS!?!' demanded the Major.
'We are the boner police. I have reason to believe that somebody in this room is on the bone,' he said, as if he were talking into a radio. Several of the guys adjusted their trousers. Axel noted that there were fewer BBB's than normal.
'IVAN ERECTION!' yelled Major Erection. His grandson stood up.
'He confesses!' yelled Axel. 'Get 'em!' Qbuu and Axel began pointing their hands at him and miming using guns, as well as doing all kinds of sound effects with their mouths.
'I DEMAND YOU STOP!' yelled Major Erection. 'DON'T MAKE ME TAKE MY GRANDSON OUT OF MY ARSENAL, AND USE HIS SUPREME POWER TO DISPATCH OF YOU CLOWNS!'
'What was that you said?' Asked Axel. 'Your grandson is jammed up your arse? You're making' no sense man!' Major Erection's face was the brightest of red.
'GET OUT!!!!!!!'
'No can do!' said Qbuu. 'We are also here to warn you that there's a flock of killer rabbits on the lose that love to eat blond people! So be warned!' he said in his high pitched stoner voice. The class by this point was laughing almost as bad as Kakaratt. Major Erection began to chase Axel and Qbuu, who fled comically when they saw him coming. He slammed the door after them and silenced the class. The sounds of them talking outside could still be heard.
---
Axel and Qbuu had just done their raid of the maths room. 'That was good,' commented Axel.
'Wanna go down to the bathrooms and take a few stiff ones?' asked Qbuu. Axel began to back away from Qbuu holding out his hands.
'Ok.....if that's the kind of stuff you're into,' said Axel thoroughly and slowly. 'You do that. You gay bastard!'
'What? I don't know what you were talking about, but I meant alcohol. You're the one with your mind in the gutter.' They walked the halls and came to the bathrooms. There were no signs to say which was the ladies and which was the gents (god...I didn't notice how British that sounded until after I typed it...), but one was in perfect condition, the other was a mess. They went into the one that was a mess. There were broken mirrors, shit rags all over the place, piss and shit smeared on the seats and walls. It stunk horribly. They both went into the stall at the end, which was for wheel chairs, so it was big, and they ripped out the gin and tonic. Halfway through the bottle, some people came in. During the course of the conversation, Axel and Qbuu realised that they were in the girls' room. The girls whispered for a while, then all was silent.
Suddenly, the door of the stall the two males were hiding in burst open. Axel started, and Qbuu shrieked. Before either knew what was happening, the girls held up chloroform rags to their noses, and all went black.
-------
Kakaratt was now bored. The class had ceased to be funny when Major Erection began to teach. The class was almost over.
'NOW CLASS, WHAT HAVE WE LEARNED TODAY?' Kakaratt put up her hand.
'YES?'
'That all the angles in a square are equal.'
'BUT?' he asked, waiting for the answer.
'But...that some angles are more equal than others?' Major Erection's eyes went mad.
'THAT'S COMMUNISM, NOT MATHS!!!!!! YOU NEED TO GET YOUR FACTS STRAIGHT!!!!' Kakaratt sighed. 'WHY, BACK DURING THE CUBAN MISSILE CRISIS, I WAS ON MY WAY TO THE PENTAGON, WHEN I SAW A TEENAGER SPLIT A KITKAT EQUALLY WITH A 4 YEAR OLD! LET ME TELL YOU, I GAVE THAT KID SUCH A MOUTHFUL ABOUT HOW HE SHOULD HAVE GOTTEN MORE DUE TO HIS GREATER SIZE-' Kakaratt began to doze off again, tired of his loud war stories.
---------
REVIEW! OR ELSE I'LL...sorry. Ahem....please forgive me. I forgot to go off the cap lock. Anyway, review!
And from Hikumi, this is my fault that it's up sooo late. I've been really unreliable, and I apologize.
...There! Ya happy, Ozzy?!
'Oww....' came a groan behind her. She looked around to see someone crawling up.
'Who're you?' she asked.
'You don't remember?' replied the voice. Kakaratt yelped. It was a girl. 'Last night?' Kakaratt shook her head. 'We're in the same class. You, me, your brother and that black dude went out for a night on the town. You found a dealer and got smashed?' Kakaratt shook her head.
'One's coke, the other's heroin. Which did I take?' Kakaratt asked.
'You took them both,' said the red headed girl, who was about Kakaratt's age. 'Then you asked me to have sex with you.' Kakaratt's eyes bugged out of her skull. They were both wearing clothes. Did she really fuck this girl, whom she couldn't remember ever meeting?
'And did I?' asked Kakaratt anxiously.
'It depends. When you asked for sex, I assumed you meant intercourse. It turned out that you meant for me to kick the crap out of you. I don't know. I mean, you were so out of it. I'd say you couldn't think straight.' Kakaratt's face lit up in understanding. She suddenly noticed that she was sore all over.
'And the fact that I'm in a great deal of blissful agony means that you did it?' assumed Kakaratt.
'No,' answered the girl. 'You got into a fight with a nun and you attacked her, only she turned out to be able to defend herself really, really well, and knocked you out. I brought you here last night.'
'Oh yeah! Now I remember!'
-
Flashback
-
The nun, who was easily 85, dusted her hands as she stood over Kakaratt, who was lapsing into unconcioness. 'Now remember, sweety,' she said nicely, with no hint of malice, 'that god loves you and your family, even though everybody else thinks you're a bunch of cunts.'
-
-
'Man. Remind me never to attack a nun ever again,' said Kakaratt. The two got up, dusted themselves off, and walked down a dirt path which led to a fence with a city park on the other side. They both exited the off limit area and made their way to school, talking the whole way.
Just as they arrived at OSH, Kakaratt felt her blood run cold. 'Oh I am fucked,' she said in a deadly whisper.
'What?' asked her companion, wondering what Kakaratt meant. Kakaratt pointed at a huge banner that hung from OSH.
"Drug test today."
'Ok ok, so you've done cocaine and heroin in the last day. It's not that bad. Right?'
'Of course!' exclaimed Kakaratt. 'After all, you have to be at least 16 to be arres.......uh oh. I'm scared. Hold me!' Kakaratt put her arm around the other girl's neck and leapt into the air. The girl had enough cop on to catch her, so that she was cradling her. Just then a teacher came by. The same teacher who had seen Axel and Qbuu in a similar situation on Monday. He looked at them really strangely and walked on.
-
In the first class, Kakaratt and her new friend (whose name she still didn't know) sat in the back. Axel was back on tour to do three more concerts, and Qbuu was nowhere to be found. They were in maths.
'ATTEN-TION!' barked the teacher, who was dressed as an army officer and had huge amounts of medals. He had a really slim waist, and a huge, bulky chest. 'WE DID NOT HAVE A MATH CLASS YESTERDAY, SO TODAY I WILL REINTRODUCE MYSELF,' he said very loudly. 'WITHIN THE SCHOOL BUILDING, I AM KNOWN AS MAJOR ERECTION!' Kakaratt burst out into hysterical laughter. Major Erection tried to ignore Kakaratt. 'I FOUGHT A LONG, HARD BATTLE AGAINST THE SOVIETS DURING THE COLD WAR, AND HAVE RETIRED TO BE WHAT I ALWAYS WANTED TO BE: A MATHS TEACHER!' This only caused Kakaratt to laugh harder.
'Leaping from abacus to abacus, over the vast expanse of calculus!' laughed Kakaratt mockingly. 'Algebra. Geometry. Axial Symmetry. Mighty fractions! Ohhhhhhhh.....I'm a maths teacher and I'm ok,' she would have gone on, but she collapsed out of her seat holding her side, which ached due to laughing so hard. Major Erection glared at her harder.
'MISSY, IT IS A NAME THAT DESERVES RESPECT. I ONCE SPENT 2 YEARS IN A JAPANESE PRISON CAMP LIVING OFF THE BARK OF THE CAGE I WAS KEPT IN. MY NAME, MAJOR LEE BIG ERECTION IS THE MOST RESPECTED NAME IN THE ARMY! WHAT HAVE YOU EVER DONE?!' Kakaratt didn't answer. After about 3 minutes she managed to stop laughing, and with a crazy grin, got back into her seat. 'NOW, FOR THE ROLL CALL!'
He began to ring off names.
'KAKARATT?'
'Here'
'BEN DOVER?'
No answer.
'BEN DOVER?' He called again. Kakaratt was doing her damnedest to keep from laughing. Major Erection decided to move on.
'E. JACK EULATION?' No answer. Kakaratt had both hands clamped over her mouth and was madly kicking her feet to keep from laughing.
'MASTER JOHN THURSDAY?'
'Here'
'A. ROWSAUL?' No answer. 'KAKARATT! CONTAIN YOURSELF!'
'IVAN ERECTION!'
'Nice to know that, sir!' said Kakaratt. Major Erection stalked over to Kakaratt.
'STUDENT!! DO YOU FIND SOMETHING FUNNY ABOUT MY GRANDSONS NAME!?' Kakaratt looked all over the room and saw a student that look a lot like the Major. He was indeed Major Erection's descendant.
'No sir!' said Kakaratt between her sobbing laughter.
'GOOD!' He went back to his desk. 'HONESTLY! YOU'RE LUCKY I'M SUCH A NICE MAN. BACK IN THE BEGINNING OF CAREER, I HAD A FRIEND IN MY UNIT WHO WOULD HAVE TAKEN ACTION ALREADY. PRIVATE PARTZ WAS A GOOD SOLDIER!!' A fresh wave of laughter overtook Kakaratt. Before any more could be said, the door burst open and Axel and Qbuu stormed in. *Oh great* thought Kakaratt. *He put one of the Axel robots in his place to play on stage again.* They were both moving like SWAT police, and had their hands together in the form of a gun.
'Move move move!' cried Axel. Major Erection moved to intervene, but Axel held out his arm to halt him.
'Relax sir!! The situation is under control!'
'WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS!?!' demanded the Major.
'We are the boner police. I have reason to believe that somebody in this room is on the bone,' he said, as if he were talking into a radio. Several of the guys adjusted their trousers. Axel noted that there were fewer BBB's than normal.
'IVAN ERECTION!' yelled Major Erection. His grandson stood up.
'He confesses!' yelled Axel. 'Get 'em!' Qbuu and Axel began pointing their hands at him and miming using guns, as well as doing all kinds of sound effects with their mouths.
'I DEMAND YOU STOP!' yelled Major Erection. 'DON'T MAKE ME TAKE MY GRANDSON OUT OF MY ARSENAL, AND USE HIS SUPREME POWER TO DISPATCH OF YOU CLOWNS!'
'What was that you said?' Asked Axel. 'Your grandson is jammed up your arse? You're making' no sense man!' Major Erection's face was the brightest of red.
'GET OUT!!!!!!!'
'No can do!' said Qbuu. 'We are also here to warn you that there's a flock of killer rabbits on the lose that love to eat blond people! So be warned!' he said in his high pitched stoner voice. The class by this point was laughing almost as bad as Kakaratt. Major Erection began to chase Axel and Qbuu, who fled comically when they saw him coming. He slammed the door after them and silenced the class. The sounds of them talking outside could still be heard.
---
Axel and Qbuu had just done their raid of the maths room. 'That was good,' commented Axel.
'Wanna go down to the bathrooms and take a few stiff ones?' asked Qbuu. Axel began to back away from Qbuu holding out his hands.
'Ok.....if that's the kind of stuff you're into,' said Axel thoroughly and slowly. 'You do that. You gay bastard!'
'What? I don't know what you were talking about, but I meant alcohol. You're the one with your mind in the gutter.' They walked the halls and came to the bathrooms. There were no signs to say which was the ladies and which was the gents (god...I didn't notice how British that sounded until after I typed it...), but one was in perfect condition, the other was a mess. They went into the one that was a mess. There were broken mirrors, shit rags all over the place, piss and shit smeared on the seats and walls. It stunk horribly. They both went into the stall at the end, which was for wheel chairs, so it was big, and they ripped out the gin and tonic. Halfway through the bottle, some people came in. During the course of the conversation, Axel and Qbuu realised that they were in the girls' room. The girls whispered for a while, then all was silent.
Suddenly, the door of the stall the two males were hiding in burst open. Axel started, and Qbuu shrieked. Before either knew what was happening, the girls held up chloroform rags to their noses, and all went black.
-------
Kakaratt was now bored. The class had ceased to be funny when Major Erection began to teach. The class was almost over.
'NOW CLASS, WHAT HAVE WE LEARNED TODAY?' Kakaratt put up her hand.
'YES?'
'That all the angles in a square are equal.'
'BUT?' he asked, waiting for the answer.
'But...that some angles are more equal than others?' Major Erection's eyes went mad.
'THAT'S COMMUNISM, NOT MATHS!!!!!! YOU NEED TO GET YOUR FACTS STRAIGHT!!!!' Kakaratt sighed. 'WHY, BACK DURING THE CUBAN MISSILE CRISIS, I WAS ON MY WAY TO THE PENTAGON, WHEN I SAW A TEENAGER SPLIT A KITKAT EQUALLY WITH A 4 YEAR OLD! LET ME TELL YOU, I GAVE THAT KID SUCH A MOUTHFUL ABOUT HOW HE SHOULD HAVE GOTTEN MORE DUE TO HIS GREATER SIZE-' Kakaratt began to doze off again, tired of his loud war stories.
---------
REVIEW! OR ELSE I'LL...sorry. Ahem....please forgive me. I forgot to go off the cap lock. Anyway, review!
And from Hikumi, this is my fault that it's up sooo late. I've been really unreliable, and I apologize.
...There! Ya happy, Ozzy?!