Maa ma! Who could believe that people would actually reply on my story! To those who did, I am eternal grateful, you have all the love the wits of this brain can afford. To those who read my stuff for the first time, I hope you'll find this worthy of one minute of your valuable time to drop a CC-loaded review! ^_^
I guess this is, if placed in my Hack/Sign fictional timeline, a pre-story to my other story Hack/Sign Finale. I'm in love with the Tsukasa/Subaru coupling me think, mostly by when they were in the game since we got to see about a sum of grand 5 mins of Tsukasa in RL. As much as I believe that Tsukasa has the same personality in RL, 'scuse my buggy mind but amnesia has a lot of side effects me believe. ^_^
Well, with no further delays…
This story and Hack/Sing Finale can be read in any order, chronological order never struck me as a wonder of the literate world.
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Why am I playing this game?
That question had been such a simple thing to answer a few weeks ago when my daily game routing had still been to patrol the city of Mac Anu together with Ginkan, acting out my role as the leader of the scarlet knights, the helix of our justice. I had been Lady Subaru, the player who lead the Scarlet Knights through The World to defeat those who played by unjust means. How unreachable I must have seemed to be for an average player, a player with power, influence and who knew the legendary Balmunk and Orca in person.
I had been very naïve indeed to think that I could remain just a "normal" player with that kind of status, BT had made this quite clearly to me in that one encounter we had.
In the end, I must admit that I am happy that she did throw the whole thing in my face. BT may not be the kindest person in The World but she is by no means a bad person, harsh words and a slap of truth in my face had been a low price to pay for what I have learned in the end.
Everyone has their own way of playing.
The World is a game, so you should play it in a way you enjoy it.
Those words may seem irresponsible and selfish at the first thought, I had not understood what Crim had meant by them when we first met and decided to start the Knighthood, and neither had I understood when he decided to leave us. To respect his decision had been easy but the feeling of abandonment had been far worse, the one person whom I had let get close to me in this Virtual Reality was suddenly leaving, and by his own choice.
I had not understood him and maybe by a childish fit of stubbornness hadn't wanted to. Our organization of the Scarlet Knights had steadily been growing and increased its influence in the game, I was satisfied with what we had accomplished and had continued to act out my role as the undoubted leader. There was merely the change of Ginkan replacing Crim by my side.
The ability to take responsibility is important, yes- but to do that in a game which is played for entertainment?
I let out a tired sigh as my tumbling thoughts come to a short pause while I shifted my sitting position. Tsukasa patiently waited for me to settle down, his arms were still around me in a gentle embrace. He was staring off into the distance again with those soft puppy eyes of his, his precious staff lay yet again by his side. I must have fallen asleep in front of my monitor for some time, strange, I didn't feel stiff at all.
He noticed that I was looking at him and smiled down at me where I lay, supporting myself against him while I rested my head against his chest. I swear I could feel myself blushing in the game while it physically should be impossible. He opened his mouth like if he wanted to say something but stopped halfway, instead, he removed one of his arms around me. I could only smile back when I felt his hand against mine, our fingers intertwining as he brought my hand to his chest, letting it rest there as if he wanted me to feel his heart.
Just for one moment, I thought I could feel something from the back of my monitor, a single fluid moment where my senses became transparently clear to my environment in the game. The cold dampness of the watercave was suddenly not only imagined but I could actually feel the slight touch of water against my bare skin, the rough surface of the ground cut into my legs and I noticed that I was quite sore from sitting on the ground.
I gasped and dug my nails into Tsukasa's hand, I could really feel him- vaguely, but the warmth was there, his slow breathing against my face, the smell of our clothes and dust and the warmth our bodies shared.
I could feel it.
And then, it was gone. Tsukasa looked at me questioningly as he massaged my hand which's grip I had tightened to an almost painful level. I slowed down my breathing which had become irregular quick and cuddled even closer to him.
The experience had been a shocking one, if not terrifying if it hadn't been for the incredible feeling of really being here. For just that brief moment, The World had seemed just as physical as the monitor I knew I had in front of me. Theoretically, it should have been utterly impossible, but then, according to theory, being unable to log-off should be quite the impossibility too.
Tsukasa seemed relieved that I had settled down, he cradled me to him and let out a tired sigh as he rested his chin against my forehead. The rhythmic sound of his breathing told me that he had fallen asleep.
I couldn't help but wonder what he was feeling at the moment, the one moment of extended liminality had given me a taste of what he must be experiencing. Could he smell my hair right now? Was he really comfortable sitting against the cave wall like that? Could he still feel me in his artificial sleep?
Before I could stop myself, I had brought up my hand, stroking him gently over the chin.
How could I have ever thought this hurt, innocent boy as a threat to The World? Everything in The World itself was a threat to him and he alone; the precious place where he came to find solitude in had become his very prison- and in someway, you could say that I, together with the Knights had acted like his prison guards. We had chased and banished him from all normal ways of playing, blinded with our belief in our own justice.
To say that I was disgusted with myself would be the understatement of the century.
A game should be fun right?
I wonder when I stopped playing for the enjoyment and turned to the responsibility instead. It could have been when Tokyo University turned me down because of my legs, could also have been when I in blind anger over my inability to walk had broken my mother's precious vase by accident.
I can't remember.
The Knights had in the end become somewhat of my daily routine, just like a normal person needs to eat; my obsession with my duty had become a part of my life.
It hadn't been fun; it had been a knight's duty to serve justice.
The duty had made me proud; the responsibility had made me forget.
But it hadn't been fun.
I had left my way of playing to be decided by the very ideals I had written.
The very same ideals I had left crumbling by my feet when I had gotten more and more involved with Tsukasa's case. I guess you could call me a fallen knight; a knight who has left the path of her own justice. That left me to be a lot of things, hypocrite and betrayer being two of the kinder alternatives.
Tsukasa had made me realize how futile and absurd our justice became in the dilemmas of a player. Ginkan had been right, I had been afraid to be forced to hurt the very one I cared for by the means of my own laws, therefore I had changed the course of our justice, making it even more absurd than it had already been proven. It had been unfair to the knights, no use denying that, but I cannot see how it could have been wrong in Tsukasa's case. I am not a god, nor a system administrator; I am merely the player Subaru who wants to protect someone she cares for.
Is that wrong of me?
How fragile our ideals had been in the aspect of human emotions.
What good was such a justice when it did not protect but hurt the very ones it was meant for?
Maybe I am wrong and really am the guilty one here but I don't care about that anymore. I had insisted on that our organization held no power nor any higher rights than the normal players did within the game; Tsukasa, BT, Crim and even Ginkan himself had finally made me realize how naïve I had been to think that our duty had been free from the taint of power.
But that would be no more. Not after today.
And I don't think I even care about the issue of justice anymore, somehow, it all becomes so distant and unimportant when I can feel Tsukasa's arms around me.
Maybe it's because I am getting drowsy again, maybe I am just imagining things because I'm already on the verge of falling asleep, but right now, for this moment, I think I can feel him.
He is here, right beside me, cuddling me like if I was the most precious thing in the world. His breath tickled my face as he whimpered in his sleep, clutching my hand a little harder in his firm but soft grasp. Nothing is more important than this, not justice, nor the knighthood- not even The World was important compared to the fragile young man who was holding me like if his life depended on it.
I could only smile upon his serene face, brushing my lips lightly over his cheek as I tucked my chin under the crook oh his neck, giving in to the tempting sleep which soon claimed me.
This is my way of playing.
This is how I want to play.