LOCATION OF THE BAGPEOPLE II: BAG HUNTER SUPREME
Written by Pete Tucker
(c) 2003 KAM Productions - a division of DSP/CSR
DISCLAIMER: Obviously, I do not own the characters or stories of Buffy The Vampire Slayer or Angel. Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, etc. own them. All other characters are (c) of their respective owners/creators...of which there are too many to mention. No infringement is intended with this story except Descension and its members as all infringement is intended. Because we formed that band and can do whatever we want with it.
AUTHORS NOTES & OTHER INFORMATION: This story takes place after the events of Location of the Bagpeople during the summer of 2002 (so in the Buffyverse, this story takes place between Season Six and Season Seven - ANYA is off doing vengeance, WILLOW & GILES are in England, and SPIKE has not yet returned, leaving only DAWN, BUFFY & XANDER). I decided to create a story based off the group of people I hang around with and originally I wanted to create a serious story crossed over with Buffy The Vampire Slayer, but since I suck at that, this ended up a comedy, complete with the entire events of the previous Location of the Bagpeople movies. Okay, and because Sarah Michelle Gellar is the only celebrity I lust for...there I said it. Although there is quite a bit of offensive material in this (including references to molesting priests, headless children, gays, nazis vs. jews, the world trade center) it is not intended to degrade those events in any way. It's just a story anyways with really sick humor!! You have to understand that in my group of friends, there is an ongoing game to make the most offensive joke ever and thus the "title" you hear referred to a few times. Also, in case you are curious, Chubby's is a diner where they serve the best breakfast ever, House of Hunan serves the best Chinese buffet, and Fuddruckers serves the best burgers ever (in my neck of the woods).
SUMMARY: A group of metal heads and their friends are on their way to perform a concert in Sunnydale. About the same time, a demon is about to unleash his final assault on Sunnydale and the Slayer. Insanity, wackiness, darkness, and complete and total chaos then reign supreme (as usual).
Interstate 5
6 Miles North of Sunnydale, California
July 15th, 2002 - Evening
("The Dark Castle In The Deep Woods" by Satyricon is playing in the background. It's a dark, but not stormy night. Actually, it's only just starting to get completely dark. A large RV is driving down the road. The license plate says "E. BROWN". Nine people are inside the RV. We close in on two people in the front, PETE (who is driving) and his brother, JON in the passenger seat. In the back we have STEEV, ERIC, JOSH, MATT aka "MADMATT", MARK aka "BONES", DYLAN aka "SKILLET", and MINDY. The RV appears to be very modernized complete with a TV, VCR/DVD player, refrigerator/freezer, stove, microwave, shower, and a few beds as well as a small dining area. Aside from being rabid heavy metal fans, there is obviously something different about this group that just does not quite fit...)
JON: Can you please turn that crap off?
PETE: What's the matter? Got a problem with Satyricon?
JON: Yeah, they suck. They are completely gay. I would rather listen to Journey.
PETE: You already do.
(Satyricon ends abruptly, replaced by "Separate Ways (Worlds Apart)" by Journey.)
JON: Oh yeah.
PETE, JON & ERIC (Shoulders shaking, with music): "Someday, love will find you..."
STEEV (from the back): Are you guy singing Journey again?
JON: Sorry.
(Journey ends abruptly, replaced by Satyricon "The Dark Castle In The Deep Woods".)
JOSH (chanting): I think we should all shut up and listen to Tori. You didn't let anyone listen to Tori!!!!
JON: Bullshit, if I raise the price. (A question mark appears on Jon's head with some weird music for a second.)
PETE: Nevermind. Okay, time for something new. (PETE removes the Satyricon CD and replaces it with a Graveland CD. "Barbarism Returns" by Graveland begins playing in background.)
JON: Oh great. (JON does a mock Nazi salute).
STEEV (With his eyes widened and a bad German accent): Which way to the ovens! My English good, yes? (Regular English and throws his hands in the air) Did I just win the title?
PETE: No!
STEEV: Awww.
JON: Steev, you into log touchin'?
STEEV (to JON): You suck!!
ERIC: You guys are insane!
(STEEV then gets up and does his "put the Jews in the oven" dance. No one seems to notice.)
SKILLET: How much further to Sunnydale?
BONES (Looking at a map): Not much further.
STEEV: This show is going to rule! I am so excited!
PETE: Oh yeah. It will be good to play again.
MADMATT: Imagine the insanity when we play! Isolated Fields, the stage killers! (MADMATT laughs insanely at his own joke. No one else does. You can hear crickets chirping).
STEEV: Hell yes!
JON: And the best part is, we will upstage the band we started!
(Much laughter as the RV passes a sign that says "Welcome To Sunnydale".)
PETE: All right, we are here. Let's find the motel we are staying at.
ERIC (Looking at the map with BONES): It should be on the right side of the road.
MINDY (pointing): There it is.
(The RV pulls next to the Sunnydale Motel at the side of the road.)
STEEV: J, you gonna get the rooms set up?
JON: Yeah. Then lets find a place to eat.
STEEV: Hells yeah! What's my name?
JOSH: Hippie!!!
STEEV: You shut up and get in the oven!!
1630 Revello Drive
Sunnydale, California
July 15th, 2002 - Night
(DAWN is watching TV while BUFFY is putting on her coat and is about to walk out the front door.)
BUFFY: I'm off for a quick patrol, Dawn. I'll be back shortly.
DAWN: Okay. (DAWN gets up off the couch and walks towards BUFFY) Um...Buffy?
BUFFY: Yes?
DAWN: Do you think Willow will be okay?
BUFFY: I don't know for sure...but Giles said he would call if anything happens.
DAWN: Will she ever be the same?
BUFFY: It's hard to say. We will just have to wait and see.
DAWN: Okay...(they hug.)
BUFFY: All right then, I will be back later... (BUFFY exits.)
(XANDER comes down stairs.)
DAWN: Hey Xand. You want to watch TV with me?
XANDER: Sure thing, Dawnster. I'll get some snacks.
(DAWN sits back down on the couch as XANDER heads for the kitchen.)
Remains of the old Sunnydale High School/Construction site for the new Sunnydale High School
Sunnydale, California
July 15th, 2002 - Night
(A DEMON is standing near the spot where the hellmouth is located. It appears there has been construction in the area to build the new high school, but nothing much is new. The DEMON is chanting in a language we do not understand. But because I know the language, here is the translation):
DEMON: Arise, intelligent dark lords. Abuse, destroy, and create the insanity. May darkness reign forever and may the death begin now!!
(There is a huge earthquake and there is fire spitting out of the hellmouth. Suddenly it all stops and there is complete silence. The demon looks down into the hole. He then sees two people walking out of the hellmouth. It's CAPTAIN RETARDO and CARGOMAN.)
CAPTAIN RETARDO: What the hell is this place?
CARGOMAN: I have no idea.
DEMON: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(CAPTAIN RETARDO walks up to the screaming demon and kicks him in the crotch. The demon falls over, in massive pain.)
CAPTAIN RETARDO (to DEMON): What a dumbass. (to CARGOMAN) Let's go find some money.
CARGOMAN: Hey, I'm still pissed off here. After all the shit we went through in the first movie! I demand an apology.
CAPTAIN RETARDO: No. You must worship me.
CARGOMAN: Fine. (To himself) I can't believe I put up with this guy.
CHEESE GUY (appearing behind CARGOMAN with a plate of cheese): These will not protect you.
CAPTAIN RETARDO: Okay then.
(CAPTAIN RETARDO and CARGOMAN then go beat the hell out of the demon, killing it. They then leave the area. The CAPTAIN RETARDO & CARGOMAN theme music begins playing again...its still the cheap rip-off of the Spy Hunter video game theme.)
Westgate Cemetery
Sunnydale, California
July 15th, 2002 - Night
(BUFFY is out patrolling. She sees four people, two of which are fighting. It's MIKE, RICK, NEIL and VYVYAN of THE YOUNG ONES)
BUFFY (whispering): What the hell?
RICK (Shouting): I am not a virgin!
VYVYAN: Yes you are, Rick! You've never seen any girls ever!
RICK: All right! Bollocks! Let's just find some place to go. This place is so boring.
NEIL: Yeah. I was in the middle of painting my astrological star chart when some really selfish negative vibe merchant suddenly sucked us into this place...
RICK: Neil, shut up. I hate you.
MIKE: Okay guys, as Mike the Cool Person has always said "Lets go find a place to eat", Lets go find a place to eat.
VYVYAN: But we haven't got any money.
(A large bag of money suddenly falls on NEIL.)
NEIL: Oh wow. Its bad karma again! I'm being hassled by a killer bag!
RICK: We're rich! Let's find Thatcher and blackmail the bitch!
BUFFY: Uh, I don't mean to interrupt, but what is this all about?
NEIL: Oh, are we still in London?
BUFFY: I'd say no. You're in the hellmouth, in Sunnydale, California.
NEIL: Oh yeah! Its very zen!
VYVYAN (to MIKE): Who's the lady?
MIKE (Walking up to BUFFY): Mike The Cool Person here. What time do your legs open?
BUFFY (insulted): Hey! (Changing subject) You guys are smelly. Have you showered?
NEIL: Well I had a bath a few weeks ago.
RICK: Neil! Have you been using my deodorant again?
BUFFY (making a face): I'd say no.
VYVYAN: Bored bored bored bored. Let's go find some food.
MIKE: Right then. Off we go.
(The YOUNG ONES leave.)
BUFFY: Something's not right...I need to get back.
(BUFFY leaves, heading home.)
Sunnydale Motel
Sunnydale, California
July 15th, 2002 - Night
PETE: I am going to check out the RV, see if the earthquake did any damage to our equipment.
MINDY: I'll go with.
JON: Let me know if you find anything broken.
PETE: Sure thing.
(PETE and MINDY exit, outside to check out the RV.)
The Bronze
Sunnydale, California
July 15th, 2002 - Night
(The place is upbeat and people are dancing, talking, eating. There is a band on the stage, playing some gay alternagrunge emo indie garage band worshipping crap. There is a sign near the entrance that says: JULY 16, 2002 - MARDUK, ISOLATED FIELDS, OVCITION & DESCENSION. CAPTAIN RETARDO and CARGOMAN enter the Bronze.)
CAPTAIN RETARDO: This music sucks. Lets go buy beer.
CARGOMAN: Okay...
(As they walk towards the bar, CAPTAIN RETARDO sees a KID in a wheelchair.)
CAPTAIN RETARDO: (Sings Superman theme)
WHITE RAPPER KID (IN WHEELCHAIR): Hey. Whats yo prob, foo?
CAPTAIN RETARDO: What?
WHITE RAPPER KID (IN WHEELCHAIR): Hey, I know you! You da muthafuckas that put me in dat escalator!!
--(Flashback Sequence to Location of the Bagpeople)--
(CAPTAIN RETARDO and CARGOMAN are on an escalator, with a young kid.)
CAPTAIN RETARDO: So, kid, what's your name?
WHITE RAPPER KID: Fuck off, weirdo.
CAPTAIN RETARDO: Where did you learn that language?
WHITE RAPPER KID: Where do you think? Rap music, muthafucka.
CAPTAIN RETARDO: Really...
(Scene cuts away to CAPTAIN RETARDO and CARGOMAN leaving the escalator.)
MAN: Captain Retardo! Cargoman! We need your help, there is a kid caught in the escalator!!
CAPTAIN RETARDO: We know...
CARGOMAN: Yeah, we put him there!!!
--(End Flashback)--
CAPTAIN RETARDO: Yeah.
CARGOMAN: Holy shit, it is!
(CAPTAIN RETARDO then attacks the kid and begins to beat the crap out of him. CAPTAIN RETARDO then throws the KID IN WHEELCHAIR out of the wheelchair. CAPTAIN RETARDO then gets into the wheelchair, riding around in it.)
CAPTAIN RETARDO: (Singing Superman theme)
CARGOMAN: Not again. What did you do that for?
CAPTAIN RETARDO: What?
CARGOMAN: Why did you throw that kid out of the wheelchair?
CAPTAIN RETARDO: What kid?
CARGOMAN (Sighing): Never mind...this place is a dump.
CAPTAIN RETARDO: Yeah, if you launched a missile here, it would cause massive improvements.
CARGOMAN: Come on, let's go buy that beer.
1630 Revello Drive
Sunnydale, California
July 15th, 2002 - Night
BUFFY: Xander, we have a problem. There are some strange people in town...
DAWN: It's probably some demon...
BUFFY: How do you know?
DAWN: When is it not? (Silence...the Grrr Argh demon runs across the screen with JOSS WHEDON chasing after it.)
XANDER: She has a point.
BUFFY: Fair enough. Get out the books. (Turns to XANDER) Can you check out the construction site for the new school?
XANDER: I was just headed that way. I'll let you know if I find anything. (XANDER exits.)
BUFFY: Good. We'll see what we can come up with here.
Near the Sunnydale Motel
Sunnydale, California
July 15th, 2002 - Late Night
VAMPIRE #1: Okay, first we find some people...
VAMPIRE #2: Is anyone out this late?
VAMPIRE #1: There's one! (He points to a person with a plastic bag over their head. It's a BAGPERSON.)
BAGPERSON: Please...help me...
VAMPIRE #1 (snickering): Oh yeah...we'll help you.
VAMPIRE #2 (laughing): Help you die!
BAGPERSON: Oh no...please...just remove the bag from my head...
(VAMPIRE #1 goes to attack, but suddenly the BAGPERSON removes the bag from his head and puts it on the VAMPIRE #1's head. Suddenly, all the vampires in Sunnydale have bags on their heads.)
[Cut to A HUSBAND and WIFE in the Sunnydale Department Store looking to buy a mattress. LAMBERT, the Salesman (who is also a vampire), suddenly has a bag on his head.]
HUSBAND: Oh dear. Hello? Hello?
SECOND SALESMAN (approaching): Did you say 'mattress'?
HUSBAND: Well, a little, yes...
SECOND SALESMAN: I did ask you not to say 'mattress', didn't I?
HUSBAND: Well yes...
SECOND SALESMAN: Now I've got to stand in the tea chest. (SECOND SALESMAN pulls out a tea chest, steps in it and begins to sing). (Singing) And did those feet, in ancient time...
THIRD SALESMAN (walking up): Oh dear, did somebody say mattress to Lambert?
HUSBAND: Yes, I did.
(THIRD SALESMAN gives nasty look to HUSBAND.)
SECOND AND THIRD SALESMAN (singing) ...walk upon England's mountains green and was the Holy Lamb of God...
(LAMBERT removes bag; SECOND and THIRD SALESMAN immediately stop singing, THIRD ASSISTANT LEAVES.)
SECOND SALESMAN: He should be all right now, but don't... you know... just don't!
HUSBAND: No, no. (to LAMBERT) Excuse me, we'd like to see the dog kennels please?
LAMBERT (irritated): Yes, pets department, second floor.
HUSBAND: No, no, no. These dog kennels, like that (pointing to a mattress). You see?
LAMBERT: Mattresses?
HUSBAND (jumping up, expecting something but nothing happens): Oh Yes!
LAMBERT: Well if you wanted a mattress, why not say 'mattress'? I mean, it's a little confusing for me when you say 'dog kennel' if you mean mattress. Why not just say 'mattress'? (Laughs)
HUSBAND: But you put a bag over your head last time we said 'mattress'.
(LAMBERT puts a bag back over his head again.)
SECOND SALESMAN (running on the scene again, giving irritated look to HUSBAND. He then pulls out and gets back in the tea chest): (singing) And did those feet...
THIRD ASSISTANT (joining in): (singing) ...in ancient times, walk upon England's mountains green...
(The singing continues)
FOURTH ASSISTANT (running in): Did somebody say 'mattress' to Lambert?
(THIRD ASSISTANT points angrily towards HUSBAND and WIFE)
SECOND ASSISTANT: Twice!
FOURTH ASSISTANT (shouting throughout the store): Hey, everybody! Somebody said 'mattress' to Lambert...twice! (Joins in the singing)
(Organ music swells and they carry on singing)
SECOND ASSISTANT: It's not working, we need more!
(The entire Mormon Tabernacle Choir begins to sing in the background. Eventually LAMBERT removes the bag again and they stop singing.)
LAMBERT: I'm sorry, can I help you?
WIFE (brightly): We want a mattress! (LAMBERT puts the bag over his head again. All ASSISTANTS and HUSBAND groan and glare accusingly at WIFE.)
JOHN CLEESE (In a tuxedo, walking in front of the insanity): I apologize for this. We seem to have got a bit off topic here. Basically, the point of the last scene was to show that all the vampires now have bags on their heads.
(Cut to HUSBAND, WIFE, LAMBERT and ALL ASSISTANTS giving the camera the finger.)
JOHN CLEESE: Now back to our movie...
(Cut back to near the Sunnydale Motel where a BAGPERSON has just put a bag over the VAMPIRE #1's head and all the vampires now have bags on their heads.)
BAGPERSON: Now you know how it feels! And I will be reborn! (Suddenly the BAGPERSON is surrounded in light, and a new bag with a purple helmet appears on his head). BAGNETO lives!! I now dub you the two of you as my servants! (Light surrounds the two vampires with bags on their heads and they are suddenly transformed into HUFFHEAD and WHEEZIS.)
WHEEZIS: Whoa, that kicked ass!
HUFFHEAD: Shut up, butt hole!
WHEEZIS: No way!! (They fight, then notice BAGNETO.)
HUFFHEAD: Whoa, check it out. It's that wiener-head guy again.
BAGNETO: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DAMNIT!! DAMNIT!! That demon screwed up the incantation! (Sigh.) Well, I guess idiot help is better than no help.
(BAGNETO leaves with WHEEZIS & HUFFHEAD still beating on each other. After they leave, PETE and MINDY emerge from the dark.)
PETE: You don't see that everyday.
MINDY: No kidding. What was with that bag guy Lambert?
PETE: I have no clue, but you heard what John Cleese said. Come on, let's get inside and tell everyone what we saw.
(As PETE and MINDY leave, they do not notice a guy with a video camera standing there, filming a floating bag. It's Ricky Fitts from American Beauty.)
RICKY FITTS (Whispers): It's beautiful...and my vengeance will be complete!
1630 Revello Drive
Sunnydale, California
July 15th, 2002 - Late Night
(XANDER has returned from the construction site.)
XANDER: I found this. (He hands a small charm to BUFFY)
DAWN (sees the charm and then looks in a book): Here we go. It says here it's used to summon the most intelligent demons and creatures of the universe through the hellmouth. It also makes the demon that summoned them immortal.
XANDER: That doesn't make sense. The demon was dead at the scene.
BUFFY: And what about the earthquake?
DAWN (still scanning the book): It says that when the incantation is recited, the earthquake occurs and then the demons come forth from the hellmouth.
XANDER: And I found all kinds of footprints and tire tracks coming out of the hellmouth. I guess some demons are driving now.
BUFFY: I ran into some weird guys that must have come out of the hellmouth. But they were not hostile or demony. So, what the hell is going on?
DAWN: I think I got it. The demon must have recited the incantation backwards. Therefore it got the opposite effect.
XANDER: And everyone knows the opposite of intelligent is moron. That means Sunnydale is about to be overrun by...stupid people??
BUFFY: Oh...my...god.
Sunnydale Motel
Sunnydale, California
July 16th, 2002 - Morning
(STEEV is awake, running around with a towel on his head, making towelhead sounds.)
JON: Oh great, it's the towelhead alarm.
PETE: Well, we need to get up. We still have to find the place we are playing and get the equipment set up.
JON: Cool. I'll get everyone else up. (JON puts on a shirt and pants and heads outside to the next-door motel room. PETE goes outside and heads towards the RV. JON hears JOSH yelling in the next-door room as he walks up.)
JOSH: Why do you torment me? Leave me alone you bastards! (JON knocks.)
JON: Josh! You okay in there? (JON hears a bunch of fumbling around).
JOSH: Yeah, yeah. I'm fine. (JOSH opens the door, only in his boxers).
JON: Time to get up. Lets get some food.
JOSH: Hells yeah!
(The entire group comes out about half an hour later, cleaned up and ready to get some food).
1630 Revello Drive
Sunnydale California
July 16th, 2002 - Morning
(BUFFY & DAWN have finished getting dressed. BUFFY heads down the stairs and walks up to XANDER.)
XANDER: Hurry up! I am hungry!
DAWN: Be right down! (DAWN comes down the stairs a minute later, followed by BUFFY.)
XANDER: Let's eat!
Sunnydale Exercise Facility
Sunnydale, California
July 16th, 2002 - Morning
[Two people walk into an exercise facility. Its TOM HOESBAG aka JIM THE ENFORCER aka LORKUS, THE MANIFESTICAL BASTARD (and secretly, MIKE HUNT) and he is with FRAN PAISLEY, THE NOT GAY (GAY) GUY.]
LORKUS: You still have not admitted your gayness? No wait...I thought you were dead.
FRAN: No. It was a watermelon you stomped, not me. The director thought since you didn't actually kill me, I still live. Therefore here I am. And fuck you. Just because I like the Christopher Lowell show and dance to Richard Simmons does not make me gay.
(Cut to a shot of everyone involved in this production all laughing.)
FRAN: All right, were not going through this crap again. After all the shit I went through in the first movie. I was fired!
LORKUS: I am a superior being! I will kill all the gay watermelons!!
FRAN: For the last time, would you just drop it?
(Another man appears behind FRAN, in a mask. It's EL LUCADOR.)
EL LUCADOR: I will drop it...WHEN I TELL YOU, BITCH!
FRAN: I am a guy.
EL LUCADOR: Oh sorry about that. I am looking for the puppies.
(A beautiful blonde woman in a cowboy hat and trench coat walks up behind EL LUCADOR. It's TRISH STRATUS.)
TRISH STRATUS: You mean these puppies? (She opens her coat to reveal her large breasts. EL LUCADOR'S head explodes. Two dwarves enter, removing EL LUCADOR's body from the area. Cut to Slayer playing "Dead Skin Mask". In front of the band are PETE & ERIC going insane and chanting "Slayer". The dwarves carrying EL LUCADOR's body walk by the band as they play and the scene cuts back to the Exercise Facility as the dwarves exit. Music fades out.)
LORKUS: Kind of like a lethal dose of prozac...
FRAN: She's hot.
LORKUS: She's a fitness model and trainer. What's she doing here?
FRAN: Probably the same thing they are doing here (He points to KEVIN NASH, SCOTT HALL, AND X-PAC. X-PAC is holding a baby bottle, SCOTT HALL as a bottle of Jack Daniels, and KEVIN NASH is on crutches, still recovering from is blown knee in 2002.)
KEVIN NASH: They've gimped me.
SCOTT HALL: (hiccup) 'ey yo, Kev. Wasup with dat?
X-PAC (Whining): Come on guys, is it my turn to be cool yet?
KEVIN NASH: Shut the hell up! Its no wonder Vince kicked the both of you out of the WWE.
SCOTT HALL: Let's go (hiccup) find a bar...
KEVIN NASH: But it's 9 O'clock in the morning!
SCOTT HALL: Oh god...(SCOTT HALL barfs all over the floor. X-PAC begins whining.)
LORKUS: Somebody shut that kid up.
TRISH STRATUS: That's gross.
KEVIN NASH: And making guys heads explode isn't?
TRISH STRATUS: I can't help that.
FRAN: I believe you should test it out on me.
TRISH STRATUS: Okay (TRISH flashes FRAN, his head does not blow up...)
LORKUS: See, told you he was gay.
FRAN: God damnit!
Dragon of the Black Pool (Where they serve Chubby's for breakfast, House of Hunan for lunch, and Fuddrucker's for dinner in this universe. See author's notes above for more information.)
Sunnydale, California
July 16th, 2002 - Morning
STEEV: ...eight sausage patties, ten pancakes, and twelve eggs. And can I have a side of mayonnaise, hot fudge, cherry sauce, horseradish, and honey mustard?
PETE: Good god.
JON (to the waiter, who happens to be WANG CHI): He really eats all that. (to STEEV) God damn, man...
JOHN CLEESE (running up...he has a white bandages wrapped around his head and has a hospital gown on with a coat on over it): So that's two eggs mayonnaise, a prawn Goebbels, a Hermann Goering and four Colditz salads.
JON: Uh...what?
STEEV: YES!!!
WANG CHI: Sorry guys. He thinks he is the waiter in the scene. (WANG CHI then kicks JOHN CLEESE in the face. JOHN CLEESE falls over. The dwarves appear and carry him off). Sorry about that. Okay guys. I'll have that up for you guys as soon as I can. Nothin' or double.
PETE: Thanks. [PETE looks around and notices BUFFY, XANDER, & DAWN enter. PETE is completely infatuated with BUFFY. (Cut to JOSH, ERIC, JON, STEEV, MADMATT, BONES, SKILLET, & MINDY all standing on a stage and screaming: NO SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) Uh...anyways, back to where we were...]
PETE: Holy shit! That's...that's...
JON (Looks in the SCOOBY GANG Direction): Yep.
BONES: Hey, there's Dawn. Underage sex kicks ass.
STEEV (laughing): Oh my god!!
JOSH: That's awesome!
ERIC: Bones wins the title.
(PETE immediately gets up and goes over to BUFFY.)
PETE: H...Hi.
BUFFY: Hi.
Sunnydale Police Department
Sunnydale, California
July 16th, 2002 - Morning
OFFICER #1: Come on bitch, talk to us! We know you saw something last night!
NELL: I poopy myself. You go there. Sandwiches fly? Candozeah fracusmacus...
OFFICER #2: We've been going at this for three hours and we have got nothing.
OFFICER #1: She's probably just a wandering idiot. All right then, arrange to have her beaten to death.
OFFICER #2: What for?
OFFICER #1: For wasting our time and (points to camera) their time as well. Besides, Jodie Foster needs a beating.
OFFICER #2: Fuckin' a.
(They proceed to beat the crap out of NELL with their nightsticks.)
CAMRINI: This is the funniest thing I have ever seen.
MPAA CENSOR (walking in): Hang on. Don't you think this is a bit extreme? Besides, Nell was a touching story...
(Scene changes to a kid on a bike eating an ice cream bar.)
ANNOUNCER'S VOICE (offscreen): No, I'll show you extreme. New extreme ice cream bars. Ice cream so extreme, it's awesome!!
(JON walks in with an M-16 machine gun. He shoots the kid on the bike.)
JON: I hate those commercials. (JON now aims his gun offscreen.) And I hate the voices that go with them.
ANNOUNCER'S VOICE: I am just doing my job...(JON shoots.)
ANNOUNCER'S VOICE: Ahhhhh!!!
(JON walks a few feet and is back at the Sunnydale Police Station with the TWO OFFICERS, NELL, and the MPAA CENSOR.)
MPAA CENSOR: Okay this is just getting too violent...
JON (Shoots the MPAA CENSOR): Shut up. (CAMRINI gives JON a high five.)
OFFICER #1: Now that's what I call initiative!
OFFICER #2: You have a bright future in law enforcement, kid.
JON: Thanks, but I prefer my music.
OFFICER #2: Suit yourself.
(JON leaves. Both OFFICERS continue to beat NELL to death with their nightsticks.)
CAMRINI: What ever happened to that pen-throwing guy?
MAN (suddenly appearing): Ha ha!! (He throws a pen at CAMRINI but CAMRINI ducks.)
CAMRINI: Ask a stupid question. I should have known better than to say that in this film.
(The MAN grabs his pen and tries to throw it at CAMRINI again but CAMRINI shoots him in the face, killing him.)
CAMRINI: That's fuckin' violence, bitch.
Sunnydale Warehouse District
Sunnydale, California
July 16th, 2002 - Morning
KING: Squire! How did we end up here?
SQUIRE: I am not sure, my king. It seems as though, mysteriously, we have gone through some sort of time warp.
(Cut to a shot of Hypocrisy playing "Time Warp". VYVYAN is standing next to them.)
VYVYAN (giving the fingers): That's mine line, you bastards!! Remember the episode, "Time"?
(Cut back to the KING & SQUIRE.)
KING: Well, what can we do about this then?
SQUIRE: Perhaps the dark figure you saw might have something to do with this.
DARK FIGURE (Stepping out): And you would be right.
KING: You! Torment me no longer and reveal yourself!
DARK FIGURE: (Snickers). I think not. Everything is going to plan so far. And now just a few more hours and it will all come into place.
(Suddenly the door bursts open and in walks RICK, MIKE, NEIL & VYVYAN.)
VYVYAN: Oh god! This ajax is giving me a nosebleed.
NEIL: That's heavy, Vyv. Maybe you need a cup of herbal tea?
RICK: Neil, you have the intelligence of an ant.
MIKE: I don't want to bring us to a lower level, but there appears to be a King, Squire and a Dark Figure in front of us.
VYVYAN: King? What's he got?
RICK: Let's overthrow his dictatorship!
KING: Hey wait, you don't even know what I am king of.
DARK FIGURE (Booming voice): Leave this place!
RICK: Bloody hell! I can't hear a damn thing now.
VYVYAN (pulls out his cricket bat): No one orders Vyvyan around! (He proceeds to beat the DARK FIGURE into submission).
DARK FIGURE: Please! No more!
VYVYAN: No one tells me what to do!
NEIL: Oh wow! Heavy beatings!
(The door again bursts open and its CAPTAIN RETARDO and CARGOMAN.)
CAPTAIN RETARDO: Uhhh, what the hell?
CARGOMAN (Breaking out his inflatable hammer): Hell yes!!!
CAPTAIN RETARDO: You and that "gat".
CARGOMAN: I have this odd feeling that someone I know is around...
CAPTAIN RETARDO: Let's go get some chicken. FRIED!!!!!!!
VYVYAN (noticing CAPTAIN RETARDO & CARGOMAN): What do you want?
CAPTAIN RETARDO: We want to...make money.
VYVYAN: Really? That's what I want to do. And I like hammers...
CARGOMAN: Thanks.
VYVYAN (Giving the rest of the YOUNG ONES the fingers): Sod off. I am joining these guys.
CAPTAIN RETARDO: Cool.
RICK: Vyvyan! Get back here this instant!
VYVYAN: Pouf! (To CAPTAIN RETARDO & CARGOMAN) Let's go break stuff!
CARGOMAN: Hell yeah!
(VYVYAN, CAPTAIN RETARDO & CARGOMAN proceed to beat on the DARK FIGURE by throwing flowerpots at him. They then take CARGOMAN's hammer and VYVYAN's cricket bat and beat the DARK FIGURE to death.)
KING: What's with all this violence?
SQUIRE: My King! I must protect you!
CARGOMAN: What the hell are you doing here anyways? You guys only had one scene in the first movie and it made no sense! And who the hell is Kamron?
KAMRON (Walking in): Uh, yeah hi. I'm Kamron. You see, there were these people and...
CAMRINI (Shooting KAMRON): Shut the hell up!
CARGOMAN (To SQUIRE): You were saying?
SQUIRE: Um...what?
CAPTAIN RETARDO: Chicken butt?
VYVYAN: KILL!!! (VYVYAN, CARGOMAN & CAPTAIN RETARDO move to beat the KING & SQUIRE to death. NEIL, MIKE & RICK join in. VYVYAN keeps pushing them out of the way. Eventually, the KING & SQUIRE are beaten into oblivion.)
VYVYAN: There's nothing like mindless violence.
CAPTAIN RETARDO: That's for sure.
NEIL: Oh no! We'll be vigilantes! Wanted for murder!
MIKE: Neil, all you did was run around in circles and sang the Greatest American Hero theme song.
RICK: Anarchy! I love it! Take that Thatcher!
CARGOMAN: Those guys are weird.
CAPTAIN RETARDO (to VYVYAN): Welcome aboard.
VYVYAN: Happy to be of the gang. (He turns to the rest of the YOUNG ONES.) I'll be beating you soon.
(RICK, MIKE & NEIL all run out of the warehouse.)
CAPTAIN RETARDO: And now we can get to more interesting matters.
CARGOMAN: Like chicken...FRIED!!!!!
CHEESE GUY (appearing next to CAPTAIN RETARDO with a table with cheese on it): I've made a little space for the cheese slices.
CAPTAIN RETARDO: Who the hell is that guy?
Deserted Road
26 Miles west of Sunnydale, California
July 16th, 2002 - Morning
(Two dogs are walking down a deserted road. They are a large border collie - CALLIE; and a large husky retriever mix - BO.)
CALLIE: How did we get talked into this again?
BO: Well, with all the insane stuff going on in Sunnydale, they need somebody who can sort it all out.
CALLIE: Why us?
BO: We're the only normal ones.
CALLIE: Talking dogs?
BO: Hey, I didn't write this. Especially after what we went through with PETA.
CALLIE: No shit. It's not like anyone is treating us bad. Besides, I have heard stories about this one dog that used to live with my master...
BO: Not this story again.
CALLIE: Sorry, it's funny sometimes. By the way, who were those weird guys in that van? It said OVICTION on the side or something.
BO: Just some guys I know. They were headed this way anyways, but I thought we could walk the rest of the way to stay undercover. They are playing with our masters' band.
CALLIE: Cool.
Dragon of the Black Pool
Sunnydale, California
July 16th, 2002 - Morning
PETE: ...and that's how I know so much about you.
BUFFY: That's a very weird story you know.
PETE: Yes, I know, but I can't really explain it. It's just what I know.
DAWN: Wow, I am a TV star. That's unbelievable!
BONES: Hi, I am Mark. Everyone calls me Bones for some reason.
DAWN (Infatuated): Oh...really?
XANDER: Hey, Dawn has a crush on me!
DAWN: Not anymore...so how do you feel about underage sex?
BUFFY: Dawn! That's just wrong!
DAWN: This is California.
BUFFY: Oh yeah...but he could be one of the stupid people.
PETE: Trust me, he isn't.
(Just then, STEEV runs by, pointing outside and yelling in a fake German accent.)
PETE: On the other hand...
JON: What is it?
MINDY: Looks like a Nazi parade.
MADMATT: Not this again...
(Outside, a man, dressed like HITLER is riding a bike and is on a megaphone, yelling stuff in German. Behind him is a man dressed as Von Ribbentrop, holding a sign that says "ELECT HITLER" but with arrows pointing to reverse the L and the T. Behind him is a man dressed as Heindrich Himmler, playing a record player.)
STEEV: YES! THIS RULES! SIEG HEIL!! GET IN THE OVENS!
WANG CHI: Sir, I am going to have to ask you to sit down and calm yourself.
STEEV: Oh...sorry about that. Got carried away there.
WANG CHI: Your food is ready. (STEEV runs to the table and begins eating. Everyone else beings to return to their tables.) By the way, have you met my friend, Eddie Wong?
PETE: It's nice to meet you, Eddie.
WANG CHI: Eddie's the new Matre'D at the Dragon of the Black Pool.
EDDIE: And a whole lot more!
BUFFY (walking up to PETE): So you've noticed all the weird stuff going on?
PETE: You noticed that, too, huh?
BUFFY: Here is my number (hands PETE a piece of paper). Call us if you find out anything more about this.
PETE: I will. Thanks for not freaking out about that weird story.
BUFFY: No problem. Living on the hellmouth, I have heard stranger things.
PETE: See you soon.
BUFFY: Hopefully. (BUFFY smiles)
(PETE jumps in the air anime style and freezes mid-air. JON walks buy him.)
JON: That's gayer than a double live Marduk CD.
(LEGION And MORGAN of MARDUK enter.)
LEGION: At least we're not as gay as Satyricon. Rebel Extravaganza? What were they thinking?
JON: Fair enough.
MORGAN: You guys are one of the bands opening for us, right?
JON: Actually, two of the bands, but yeah we are opening for you guys.
LEGION: Cool, we'll see you guys there.
PETE (Finally coming down): Hell yeah!
(Everyone sits down to eat.)
WANG CHI: That was strange as hell.
EDDIE: Chinese have a lot of hells.
WANG CHI: I've heard that before.
Underground Location
Somewhere below Sunnydale, California
July 16th, 2002 - Near Noon
(A large group of BAGPEOPLE, with WHEEZIS & HUFFHEAD, BAGNETO, RICKY FITTS, and MIKE HUNT.)
BAGNETO: Yes, the plan is finally coming together...albeit a bit odder than I thought.
MIKE HUNT: Strange as it seems, but why did I align with you again?
BAGNETO: I can help you become looser than you have ever been.
MIKE HUNT: That's right. Who else is coming?
RICKY FITTS: I am here. (Everyone bows to him.) Let's get down to business.
MIKE HUNT: With all do respect sir, how will we claim victory here at the hellmouth in Sunnydale, California?
RICKY FITTS: Now that we have killed off Dwarfarine, we have no one that can stop us!
BAGNETO: We haven't killed Dwarfarine yet.
RICKY FITTS: Oh...oh yeah. Well when we do, no one will stop us.
MIKE HUNT: One thing we should note is the reports of a group of metal heads in town...
BAGNETO: I am not concerned about them. I am more concerned with Dwarfarine. He is dangerous, look how fast he took me out last time.
RICKY FITTS: That does not matter. Although the original incantation failed, stupid people are mobbing Sunnydale. They won't know what hit them! And, we will be able to rule the universe from beyond the grave.
JACK BURTON: Or check into a psycho ward, which ever comes first, huh?
BAGNETO: What the hell is he doing here? Now this really pisses me off to no end! Get rid of him!
THUNDER (with a cigar): Heh heh heh. (Clap of thunder in background) I can halp yu.
BAGNETO: Good, get him out of here.
(THUNDER picks up JACK and they leave as JACK begins ranting about his ex-wife...)
RICKY FITTS: Anyone else? (A small BOY raises his hand) Yes?
ALTAR BOY: I need my revenge on Captain Retardo and Cargoman. They let me be molested by a priest and all he did was say he could here me talk!
RICKY FITTS: WHAT?!!
--(Flashback Sequence to Location of the Bagpeople)-
(They walk past a priest that is sexually abusing an altar boy.)
ALTAR BOY: Captain Retardo, I need your help!!!
CAPTAIN RETARDO: I'm hearing you talk.
(They keep walking, the priest keeps abusing.)
--(End Flashback Sequence)--
RICKY FITTS: We will help you, boy! What is your name?
ALTAR BOY: Thank you! My name is Toby.
BAGNETO: Anyone else?
WHITE RAPPER KID (IN WHEELCHAIR): Yeah. I be needin' to get back at them. They put me in an escalator and left me there! Then they jacked my wheelchair!
RICKY FITTS: Then we will help you as well! And your name?
WHITE RAPPER KID (IN WHEELCHAIR): Marshall, but everyone calls me Whitey-G.
BAGPERSON #1: I have a question.
BAGNETO (bored): Yes?
BAGPERSON #1: Ricky said we were (wheeze) going to rule the universe from beyond the (suck) grave. How can he if he's not dead? Are (wheeze) we undead or something?
RICKY FITTS: I was being sarcastic...
BAGPERSON #1: What?
RICKY FITTS: Um...chicken butt?
HUFFHEAD: He said "butt"...huh huh
WHEEZIS: Yeah...butts butts butts! Hehehehemmhehehm.
BAGNETO: Soon we will all have our revenge and the world will be ours!
1630 Revello Drive
Sunnydale, California
July 16th, 2002 - Just after noon
(BUFFY and DAWN are in the kitchen, talking.)
DAWN: Pete's kind of cute.
BUFFY: Yeah, he is. What about that Mark guy. Bones?
DAWN: Don't worry; I am sure he is a nice guy. And he gets me horny.
BUFFY: Dawn!! (They hear a knock on the door. BUFFY goes to answer it. Its STEVE OEDEKERK dressed as THE CHOSEN ONE from Kung Pow: Enter the Fist. When he speaks, it appears like a dubbed Japanese film.)
THE CHOSEN ONE: Excuse me. I am looking for the warehouse district?
BUFFY: It's on the other side of town. Take the main highway and you can't miss it.
THE CHOSEN ONE: Thank you. (There are immediate zoom ups on THE CHOSEN ONE for no reason whatsoever, and then he leaves).
BUFFY (Shutting door): That was weird.
DAWN: That's usual around here, especially with all this craziness. By the way, what did you tell Pete about Freddie?
BUFFY: Pete said he would take care of it.
DAWN: But I thought you liked Freddie?
BUFFY: Nah, he was a real jerk. He can't even act.
(XANDER knocks at the door and enters.)
XANDER: Hey, I brought over a few movies. We can kick back and relax a bit.
BUFFY: Sounds good.
7-11
Sunnydale, California
July 16th, 2002 - Afternoon
(PETE enters the 7-11 and notices CLERK #1 of middle-eastern descent behind the counter.)
PETE: I need your help.
CLERK #1 (ridiculous middle eastern accent): Yes?
PETE (Hands him a picture of Freddie Prinze, Jr.): This guy called Allah a sodomizing child molester.
CLERK #1: Tell me where I can find him!
(PETE hands him an address on a piece of paper. The TOWELHEAD immediately leaves. Another clerk comes up front.)
CLERK #2: Can I help you?
PETE: Yeah, three mountain dews, and gas on pump 9.
(PETE pays CLERK #2 and leaves.)
Freddie Prinze Jr.'s House
Hollywood, California
July 16th, 2002 - Afternoon
(FREDDIE PRINZE JR. looking at a picture of BUFFY.)
FREDDIE: Hehehe. She has no idea. I am stealing her soul and all her money will be mine!
(There is a knock at the door. Freddie gets up to answer it. He opens the door to see a TOWELHEAD in a green trench coat and a turban.)
FREDDIE: Can I help you?
TOWELHEAD: ouiouiouioiouiouoiiouiouiouiouioiouiouioiouioi!!!!! (The towelhead then opens his coat to reveal a bunch of dynamite.)
FREDDIE: Oh shi...
(There is a massive explosion, killing both FREDDIE PRINZE JR. & the TOWELHEAD. Cut to PETE.)
PETE: That's black metal.
Interstate 8
Near the California/Arizona Border
July 16th, 2002 - Afternoon
(There is a van on the highway and we close in on it. On the side, it says DESCENSION. Inside are seven people, TODD "ASTOROTH OCCULTUS" SHEETS, SKIPPY, TREETRUNK, JUGGALOBOY, COCKBOY, BRIAN "FATHER AARESTAAD" DUNCAN, TODD's girlfriend, SHELIA, dressed as a waffle house waitress, NUNSLUT, and HERA. They are on their way to Sunnydale to perform a concert.)
TODD: I think we have everything.
BRIAN: Great show last night. Who cares if they thought we were Dio clones. Your vocals are the best, Todd.
TODD: Thanks. I know I am god because you guys worship me unconditionally and don't question anything I say. Unlike some of our past members.
TREETRUNK: (grunt)
COCKBOY: Dildo!
JUGGALOBOY: ICP!
SKIPPY: Todd! I love Satan now! God was wrong and Satan is right! He was right when he fell from the heavens! Are we opening for King Diamond?
TODD: Yes, soon. Then I will begin filming my next three movies as well as working on the new Descension record.
SHELIA: Todd, will you eat my waffle?
TODD: Later.
SKIPPY: You know, I still can't believe I am in Descension!
TODD: Yep. Oh hey! A Jack-In-The-Box! We're stopping!
TREETRUNK: (grunt)
COCKBOY: Dildo!
JUGGALOBOY: ICP!
(They all get out of the van, all dressed in spikes and face paint. They enter the Jack-In-The-Box, looking like idiots.)
CASHIER: Uh...excuse me. You can't come in here dressed like that.
TODD: We can do whatever we want. We're Descension. Heard of us?
CASHIER: No.
TODD: Well I am sure that's just an error on your part.
SKIPPY: Yeah! You know, we are Satanists!
BRIAN: Something like that.
TREETRUNK: (grunt)
COCKBOY: Dildo!
JUGGALOBOY: ICP!
CASHIER: That's really nice. Now can you all please leave?
TODD: BITCH! I want to talk to your manager! We are gonna get some respect around here! For punk rock!
BRIAN: For punk!
SKIPPY: For punk!
TREETRUNK: (grunt)
COCKBOY: Dildo!
JUGGALOBOY: ICP!
Sunnydale Motel
Sunnydale, California
July 16th, 2002 - Afternoon
(PETE has just returned with the RV and gets out.)
JON: So Pete, you gonna score?
PETE: That would kick ass. I've only been in love with her forever.
STEEV: Yeah...
BONES: I am gonna pork Dawn.
STEEV (arms in air): Hells yeah!
MINDY: That's disgusting!
MADMATT: (Laughing)
BONES: It's California.
MINDY: Oh yeah.
MADMATT: Hey, this is only my fourth line in the movie. Well, third anyways if you don't count that laugh I did...
SKILLET: Really! Write some more for us, dickweed!
JOSH: Yeah really! All you do is write strange lines for me, like I am insane or something.
ERIC (He is now wearing a Venom shirt that says "Black Metal" but instead of the usual face, it's a black man with a huge afro. Also, he has a button on his shirt that says "The Black Man Is God".): Excuse me. I represent the author. And if you have a problem with that we are gonna sue you for ten million dollars.
STEEV: Yes! Eric kicks ass!
SKILLET: Oh sorry.
PETE: Josh, you are insane.
JOSH: Oh yeah, I forget sometimes. WHAT? HIPPIES! I START THIS FUCKING SONG!!!!
MADMATT: Hey, can I tell a joke here?
ERIC: No one is going to laugh at it.
MADMATT (Twilight Zone voice): You are about to enter a building...
JON (To MADMATT): You're insane.
STEEV (singing): Precious doe, precious doe...
ERIC: It just doesn't stop getting any lower.
BONES: Yes it does. All the author does for me is make me want to score with an underage girl.
ERIC: But she's hot and it's California. Besides, at least you are getting laid eventually. No one else is because of recent events. It seems there has been some re-writes to this script. But, you never know who might end up together, even if its two guys.
MADMATT: Uh...that's all right. We're good.
SKILLET: No problem. We're fine. Besides, BLACK METAL IST KRIEG!!
STEEV: Hells yeah!
PETE: Hell yeah!! Hey, there are some wrestling DVDs in the back if you want to watch them. We have some time before we have to get to the Bronze.
MADMATT: I'm in.
SKILLET: Me too. At least we are not as gay as Fran.
FRAN (walking up): Hey now! (LORKUS, TRISH STRATUS, & EL LUCADOR approach as well).
PETE (to EL LUCADOR): I thought you were dead.
EL LUCADOR: I got better...
LORKUS: You are gay, Fran. Trish proved it.
MADMATT (laughing): You're gay!
FRAN: Just leave me alone.
LORKUS: Maybe we can find Mary Jo.
FRAN: She's dead.
LORKUS: She is?
--(Flashback to Location of the Bagpeople)-
MARY JO: Lalalalalala (She begins dancing in the middle of the screen)
(After 5 minutes of nothing exciting, MARY JO gets shot by CAMRINI and in come the dwarves to do their thing again, but this time they shut the door and the crew goes bananas because someone did something right.)
TOM: Heck yeah.
--(End Flashback Sequence)-
LORKUS: Hey, I was Tom in that flashback.
FRAN: You still are.
LORKUS: Puny mortal! I will destroy you!
FRAN: Whatever.
SKILLET: Hey guys, check this out (Turns up radio in RV).
RADIO: ...with the news, I am Abaschumbee Buttnugget. Our top story...Mike Hunt, the dangerous psychopath is believed to be loose in Sunnydale. He escaped from Fort Leavenworth prison earlier this year and is believed to be at large in the area. He is armed and extremely dangerous.
TRISH STRATUS: Holy shit, Mike Hunt is loo...
MADMATT (interrupting): Stop that. Not Trish Stratus.
MINDY: That's disgusting.
TRISH STRATUS (noticing MADMATT): Aww poor baby. You've had a hard time haven't you? I can help you out. (TRISH STRATUS takes MADMATT's hand and they enter the RV.)
PETE: Good for Matt!
SKILLET: Damn, she has big boobs!
STEEV: Big boobs are awesome.
ERIC: That, my friend, is definitely worth it.
LORKUS: Uh...I have to go. (LORKUS runs off.)
PETE: What's his problem?
MINDY: Maybe he knows Mike Hunt.
BONES (laughing): Mike Hunt. (MINDY hits BONES.)
PETE: I hope that's not true.
ERIC: What happened to that Camrini guy in the flashback?
PETE: With all the crap going on around here, I am sure he will be around.
CAMRINI: I am already here. Who do you think is filming this, you morons?
PETE: Yeah, well at least you should feel happy the author even gave you a line. All you did was kill people in the first movie.
CAMRINI: I had a cameo in the second. And at least I was IN the first movie.
ERIC: That's it. Defamation of character. Mr. Tucker, take a note. We are suing him for twenty million dollars.
PETE: Got it.
SKILLET: So...this scene is mostly filler?
PETE: More or less.
CAMRINI: By the way, Fran?
FRAN: Yes?
CAMRINI: I just got word from the director. You're fired. Get off this set and kill yourself, you homosexual bastard.
FRAN: DAMNIT!!!!!!!
(As FRAN walks off the set, STEEV turns to JOSH.)
STEEV: Let's go get cigarettes.
JOSH: Hells yeah!
Near the Espresso Pump, A block away from the 7-11
Sunnydale, California
July 16th, 2002 - Afternoon
(CARGOMAN, CAPTAIN RETARDO, and VYVYAN are walking down the street.)
CARGOMAN: Why does this town smell like shit??
CAPTAIN RETARDO: That sounds strangely familiar.
VYVYAN: Listen, if we get some liquid drano, we can get this party really started.
(THE CHOSEN ONE walks up to them.)
THE CHOSEN ONE (in bad Japanese dubbing): Excuse me. I am looking for Captain Retardo and Cargoman. Do you know them? (Massive close up on THE CHOSEN ONE.)
CAPTAIN RETARDO: I be the Captain. (Points to CARGOMAN) And this is Cargoman. (Massive close-ups on CAPTAIN RETARDO and CARGOMAN.)
VYVYAN: I'm Vyvyan Basterd.
THE CHOSEN ONE: I have been instructed to join you three. (Insane Zoom In and Out on THE CHOSEN ONE, then on VYVYAN, CARGOMAN and CAPTAIN RETARDO.)
VYVYAN: Really? Then we can break more stuff?
THE CHOSEN ONE: Yes, just watch me demonstrate. (THE CHOSEN ONE jumps into the road next to a parked car.) I hope you slept well, because now you die. (THE CHOSEN ONE punches the car and it explodes.)
CAPTAIN RETARDO: Holy shit!
CARGOMAN: That guy rules!
VYVYAN: Brilliant!!
THE CHOSEN ONE: Vyvyan, come with me for a moment. I need to speak to you privately.
VYVYAN: Right.
(THE CHOSEN ONE and VYVYAN step away as CAPTAIN RETARDO and CARGOMAN stand by the Espresso Pump. They notice two people walking towards them. It's STEEV and JOSH.)
CAPTAIN RETARDO: What the hell?
CARGOMAN: Uh...?
STEEV (noticing CAPTAIN RETARDO and CARGOMAN): What the hell?
JOSH (noticing as well): Uh...?
(The resemblance between CAPTAIN RETARDO and STEEV as well as CARGOMAN and JOSH is unmistakable. One would think the same actors are playing STEEV and CAPTAIN RETARDO; JOSH and CARGOMAN respectively. Which they are.)
JOSH: This.
CAPTAIN RETARDO: Is.
STEEV: Really.
CARGOMAN: Weird.
(STEEV and JOSH walk on, towards 7-11.)
CAPTAIN RETARDO: That was interesting.
CARGOMAN: Yeah.
(THE CHOSEN ONE and VYVYAN return.)
VYVYAN: Right, THE DEATH SQUAD is born! We're off!
(They leave.)
The Bronze
Sunnydale, California
July 16th, 2002 - Afternoon
(Two employees of the Bronze are unloading sound and PA equipment.)
EMPLOYEE #1: This is going to be a strange show tonight.
EMPLOYEE #2: Yeah really. Who booked Descension to open for Marduk?
EMPLOYEE #1: Some retard obviously.
EMPLOYEE #2: Have you ever heard of Oviction?
EMPLOYEE #1: Yeah, they are the worst band ever.
EMPLOYEE #2: What about Isolated Fields?
EMPLOYEE #1: They are pretty badass...
Underwater, off the coast of Los Angeles
Los Angeles, California
July 16, 2002 - Afternoon
(SPIKE is in a submarine and is talking to ANGEL in the underwater casket.)
ANGEL: ...so you went all the way to Africa to get your soul for Buffy?
SPIKE: Yeah, can you blame a guy? She's had that effect on both of us, mate.
ANGEL: I know the feeling. How'd you know where to find me?
SPIKE: The writer told me you'd be here. Since the shows are on different networks, the only way to know what's really going on are the fans and fan fiction. You know, it's bloody insane that you have a kid between you and Darla.
ANGEL: Yeah, I know what you mean. (Silence for a moment.) Oh, I almost forgot, I'm a Big Brother.
SPIKE: Come again?
ANGEL: Big Brothers and Big Sisters. I'm a Big Brother.
SPIKE: To some kid? Aside from your own?
ANGEL: Yeah. I took him to see Devil's Advocate at the dollar theater. Now, every time he's not looking directly at me, I vamp out. If the kid gets anymore paranoid he's gonna explode.
SPIKE: That's brilliant, mate. (ANGEL and SPIKE laugh.) Well, I gotta run. James Cameron needs the sub because he thinks he's going to find the Titanic again and make a bloody sequel.
ANGEL: Oh god, not that crap. Anyways, thanks for stopping by, Spike. Maybe we'll meet again.
SPIKE: Yeah, if the networks allow it. (The submarine speeds off as you hear Angel singing "Under The Sea".)
Kingman's Bluff - Near the recently raised satanic temple
Sunnydale, California
July 16th, 2002 - Afternoon
(Two guys and a hamster are standing near the temple. There is a van nearby that says OVICTION. The first guy is DR. HEIDEGGER KILLU, with his long hair and POISON t-shirt, the second is REV. HORTON STEEVIL, with his Indiana Jones hat, glasses, no arms and random yelling at things. The hamster has an orange mohawk.)
DR. KILLU: This is the coolest thing I have ever see.
REV. STEEVIL: Ahhhh!!!!!!!
DR. KILLU: Don't you ever speak normal besides when we are playing live?
REV. STEEVIL: Ahhhh!!!!!!!
DR. KILLU: Sheesh.
SPG (Completely over-the-top Scottish accent): Oi. We're looking for that butt pirate.
CRAZY LARRY (Throwing chocolate syrup around): Woahoahoahoah!!!!!!
DR. KILLU: So much for sanity. (To SPG) And yes, we are looking for Burt Walker, Texas Spanker. He was last scene in this area.
SPG: And then you go and accept playing a show here? That's the biggest pile of shit I've ever seen!
DR. KILLU: True, but hey while were looking, no harm in playing, right?
SPG: Right then.
REV. STEEVIL (Pointing): Ahhhh!!!! (DR. KILLU & SPG look in the direction he is pointing)
DR. KILLU: Holy shit, there he is!!
BURT WALKER, TEXAS SPANKER (Gayest voice you've ever heard, similar to that of Burt from Sesame Street, but gayer): Eh eh eh! You'll never get me, Dr. Killu. I have help this time! (A man in a suit and a gray beard walks up.)
BOB LONG, VIBRATOR SALESMAN: Hi, I'm Robert Long. How'd you like to buy a vibrator? ORRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!
BURT WALKER: Eh eh eh! Victory is mine! (BURT WALKER and BOB LONG run off)
DR. KILLU: Come on! (They all load into the OVICTION van with CRAZY LARRY throwing chocolate syrup all over the place still).
CRAZY LARRY: Woahoahoahoah!!!
REV. STEEVIL: Ahhhhhh!!!!
SPG: Oi! Why me?????????
1630 Revello Drive
Sunnydale, California
July 16th, 2002 - Late Afternoon
(BUFFY, XANDER & DAWN are watching a movie. The phone rings. BUFFY goes to answer it, and not mysteriously because that would be stupid.)
LORKUS: Yeah, really...
(BUFFY answers the phone.)
BUFFY: Hello?
VOICE: Buffy? It's Pete.
BUFFY: Hey. What's up?
PETE: Not much. Listen, we haven't found out much on our crazy people, but I forgot to mention to you earlier what we are doing in this town. We're opening for a band at the Bronze. Want to meet us there? We'll get you in free...
BUFFY: Yeah, definitely. What time?
PETE: Around 8 or so.
BUFFY: We'll be there.
PETE: Okay, see you then (Hangs up.)
BUFFY: Bye. (Hangs up the phone. To DAWN & XANDER): We're Bronzin' tonight. Around 8 o'clock.
DAWN: I am going to get ready! (She runs upstairs.)
XANDER: I guess she is excited.
BUFFY: Yep. I think tonight might be her night.
XANDER: I have the same feeling for you as well.
BUFFY: Thanks, Xander. I am gonna get ready as well.
XANDER: All right, I'll be back to pick you girls up around 7:45.
BUFFY: Okay!
(XANDER leaves and BUFFY goes upstairs.)
The Bronze
Sunnydale, California
July 16th, 2002 - Late Afternoon
(A van with DESCENSION written on it pulls up to the Bronze. SKIPPY is out first.)
SKIPPY: We're here! Satan is cool!
TODD: Let's start unloading.
(They begin to unload their crappy equipment for the show. TODD meets with the show's promoter to tell him the band has arrived.)
PROMOTER: Okay, Descension. You guys are booked to play first.
TODD: Who else is playing?
PROMOTER: Besides Marduk and yourselves, we have Isolated Fields and Oviction.
TODD: Isolated Fields?
PROMOTER: Yeah, from the same city as you guys. Do you know them?
TODD: Uh, sort of. Thanks.
SHELIA: Todd, will you impregnate me with your seed?
TODD: Later.
TREETRUNK: (grunt)
COCKBOY: Dildo!
JUGGALOBOY: ICP!
Underground Location
Somewhere below Sunnydale, California
July 16th, 2002 - Late Afternoon
(BAGNETO with the BAGPEOPLE, & RICKY FITTS are talking to DWARFARINE, tied to a chair.)
BAGNETO: Finally! We have captured you, Dwarfarine!
DWARFARINE: You'll never get away with this!
BAGNETO: Oh I think so. (NELLY from Location of the Bagpeople enters.)
NELLY: Yeah boyyeee. I gonna cap dis muthafucka. Getting' ma benjamins back from dem bastards dat stole from me!
DWARFARINE: Never!
(Someone comes running in. Its MIKE HUNT.)
MIKE HUNT: Sorry, got busy doing something else.
RICKY FITTS: Greetings Mike Hunt. Nelly G-Ice Funk Tru 2 Da Game is about to cap Dwarfarine's ass.
BAGNETO: Nelly, do your thing.
NELLY: Yeah. I be getting payback bitch! (He shoots DWARFARINE in the face, killing him.) Yeah. Word up! Dat's what it all about! West siiiiiiiiiiiiiide!
WHITEY-G: Daaaaaaaamn! Dat's phat! Let's lay down some phat beats, yo!!
NELLY: Hell yeah!!
BAGNETO: Good shot. Now that he is out of the way, there is nothing that can stop us! We will finish preparations tonight and begin domination tomorrow!
(CHEERS amongst the BAGPEOPLE, WHEEZIS & HUFFHEAD, RICKY FITTS, TOBY, WHITEY-G & NELLY.)
Sunnydale Insane Asylum
Sunnydale, California
July 16th, 2002 - Afternoon
RICK: We are not insane!
DOCTOR: Yeah, right. First, you are giving everyone the fingers, then your hippie friend is dancing in circles in the road and the guy in the glasses is flirting with a corpse!
NEIL: Yeah, but that was for a reason!
MIKE: This is very very bad!
RICK: Let me out! I'm too young to die! I'll get raped!
MIKE: Rick, you're in an asylum, not prison.
RICK: Where's Vyvyan?
NEIL: Remember Rick? He left with those two guys.
RICK: Well he better bloody well get back here! Or there's going to be trouble!
ALEXEI SAYLE (Dressed as Mussolini): Sorry boys! But I am here! We got to dance like the way in 1945, il duce style!
RICK, MIKE, NEIL: AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Outside The Bronze
Sunnydale, California
July 16th, 2002 - Evening
(The RV pulls up and PETE, JON, STEEV, JOSH, SKILLET, BONES, ERIC, MINDY, and MADMATT begin to unload equipment.)
JON: How did we get this gig again?
PETE: STEEV won that contest from Century Media. All expenses paid trip to open for Marduk.
--(Flashback to Location of the Bagpeople)-
(PETE is sitting in his chair in the apartment he shares with STEEV. By the way, who in the xeroxed hell is PETE & STEEV?)
STEEV (entering the apartment): Hey dude.
PETE: Whatsup?
STEEV: You are not going to believe this. I got us an all expense paid trip to see Marduk in California! Free entrance, expenses paid, all that! And, Isolated Fields and Arkcoven will be opening up!
PETE: Really? That's awesome!
STEEV: Yeah, it's in July.
PETE: Well I better get the time off. I'll go call JON and tell him. By the way, what's the catch?
STEEV: We have to go in an RV.
PETE: Fair enough. We should take all the people we can.
STEEV: There is something else...
PETE: What?
STEEV: Descension will be there, too.
PETE: Shit.
STEEV: It's cool though. We get to hang with Marduk!
PETE: Fuck yeah!
STEEV: I am gonna go smoke...
PETE: Cool. Oh, where in California is the show?
STEEV: Sunnydale.
PETE: What?
--(End Flashback Sequence)--
JON (sarcastic): Great, opening for Marduk. Just what I always wanted to do.
PETE: It could be worse.
JON: How?
PETE: We could be opening for Satyricon.
JON: Fine.
STEEV: Hey, I like Satyricon.
SKILLET: They suck. Rebel Extravaganza? Come on...
SATYR (suddenly appearing): Hey, give me a break guys. I heard the new Kovenant and...
STEEV: SHUT UP!! BOW TO NAGASH!!!!!!! LEX ICON RULES!! (STEEV whips out his sword and chops SATYR to bits.)
PETE: Nobody beats Steev when it comes to Nagash.
STEVEN SEAGAL (suddenly appearing): And nobody beats me in the kitchen.
STEEV: SHUT UP! SAVE THE RAINFOREST, YOU BASTARD! (STEEV chops STEVEN SEAGAL to bits.)
JON: Uh...yeah.
ERIC: First the World Trade Center, now this.
PROMOTER: Hey guys. You Isolated Fields?
ERIC: Yeah, I am the manager.
PROMOTER: Great. Move your stuff inside and we'll get this show started.
ERIC: Thanks.
(Everyone moves into the Bronze as STEEV puts his sword away. He sees NAGASH aka LEX ICON giving him the thumbs up a la the "Buddy Christ" from Dogma. STEEV returns the thumbs up.)
The Bronze
Sunnydale, California
July 16th, 2002 - Late Evening
(A van that says OVICTION pulls up and DR. KILLU, REV. STEEVIL, SPG, and CRAZY LARRY get out.)
DR. KILLU: Wow, this is a lot better than any place we have played before.
SPG: We usually do basements.
DR. KILLU: Okay, let's load in. (To REV. STEEVIL and CRAZY LARRY) And hopefully keep the screaming and chocolate sauce to a minimum until we play?
REV. STEEVIL: Ahhhh!!!!
CRAZY LARRY: Woahoahoahaoahaoaoah!!
DR. KILLU: Oh boy.
PROMOTER: You guys Oviction?
DR. KILLU: Yeah, that's us.
PROMOTER: Great, you're right on time. You can load your stuff over there (points inside).
DR. KILLU: Thanks.
REV. STEEVIL: Ahhhh!!!!
PROMOTER: Why does that guy keep yelling? And how does he expect to play with no arms?
DR. KILLU: He is the General of KFC now.
SPG: Not to mention he grows arms for the show some how.
PROMOTER: Really?
SPG: Yeah. And I turn into a human.
PROMOTER: You guys are fucking insane.
DR. KILLU: Sweet! A Compliment!!!!!!! (They all enter the Bronze with their equipment.)
The Bronze
Sunnydale, California
July 16th, 2002 - Late Evening
[BUFFY, DAWN & XANDER enter the Bronze and head to a table. Most of the crowd is moving up to the stage as the first band is taking the stage. Amongst the crowd are such notable people as (the honorable) JUDGE REINHOLD, DR. HEIDEGGER KILLU, REV. HORTON STEEVIL, SPG, CRAZY LARRY, KEVIN NASH, SCOTT HALL, X-PAC, NEIL, MIKE, VYVYAN, ALEXEI SAYLE dressed as JERSEY BALOWSKI, MEMBERS OF HYPOCRISY, SLAYER, MOTORHEAD, MARDUK, SAYTRICON, ACHERON & DARKTHRONE, ROB DARKEN, EL LUCADOR, WANG CHI, EDDIE, THUNDER, JACK BURTON, ANDREW W.K., THE HEADS OF STEVEN SEAGAL AND SATYR, SPIKE, ANGEL (still in the box), and ANYONE ELSE WHO APPEARED IN A CAMEO ROLE IN THIS FILM are all in the audience. The whole show is being MC'ed by JOHN CLEESE in his trademark tuxedo. The band taking the stage behind him is DESCENSION (TODD - vocals, BRIAN - drums, SKIPPY - bass, TREETRUNK - guitar, JUGGALOBOY - guitar and COCKBOY - guitar with dildo.)]
JOHN CLEESE: Ladies and Gentlemen...Descension! (JOHN CLEESE walks off the stage as there is little reaction from the crowd.)
TODD (to crowd): We are Descension from Kansas City! And we will punk rock you to death! (HERA enters the stage with NUNSLUT. HERA is mostly naked and throws NUNSLUT to the stage floor. NUNSLUT is dressed as a nun. HERA then begins dancing.)
CROWD: Boo! You suck! Get off the stage!!
(DESCENSION then kicks into its punk rock version of "Skin of Rebirth". As the band plays, the crowd does nothing but mock, laugh and point, at this horrible band on stage.)
DR. KILLU: God damn, they're worse than us.
SPG: That's not possible. But somehow it is.
TODD: Hey! We love everyone...I mean...we hate you! Descension is evil!! But we love punk!
[THE DEATH SQUAD (CAPTAIN RETARDO, CARGOMAN, THE CHOSEN ONE, AND VYVYAN) gets on the stage.]
VYVYAN: Piss off poofie! We want real music! Not some Iron Maiden gothic gayness!
TODD: But we...
CAPTAIN RETARDO: Wrong answer. [CARGOMAN whips out his "gat foo." (an inflatable hammer)].
TODD: Oh come on. That won't... (CARGOMAN hits TODD with the hammer, killing TODD instantly. There are rampant cheers everywhere.)
SHELIA: No!! Todd!! (SHELIA comes running to help Todd but CAPTAIN RETARDO trips her, and she falls, impaling her on one of BRIAN's drum cymbal stands. SHELIA is dead. HERA and NUNSLUT begin to run off but are captured by CAPTAIN RETARDO and CARGOMAN.)
CAPTAIN RETARDO and CARGOMAN: Sex slaves!!
BRIAN (Charging): You can't do that! I am gonna... (VYVYAN smacks BRIAN in the face with his cricket bat. This causes BRIAN to have another stroke and die. CARGOMAN kicks BRIAN in the face to be sure he's dead.)
SKIPPY: Um...hey. I love satan now! Am I cool now? (THE CHOSEN ONE begins beating SKIPPY when PETE stops him for a second.)
PETE: Hang on, he still owes me a hundred bucks. (PETE searches SKIPPY's pockets and finds his money.) Thanks. (to THE CHOSEN ONE) Feel free to continue.
(The CHOSEN ONE continues his death beating on SKIPPY and throws his body parts into the crowd. TREETRUNK, JUGGALOBOY and COCKBOY step forward but they are beaten to death by the THE DEATH SQUAD. JUGGALOBOY has his guitar shoved up his ass, COCKBOY has his dildo shoved down his throat and TREETRUNK is just plain beaten to death for being stupid.)
VYVYAN: Now that's what I call, entertainment! Let's get a real band up here.
(CAPTAIN RETARDO and CARGOMAN exit with their new sex slaves. Meanwhile, on the other side of the Bronze...)
XANDER: This is different.
BUFFY: But highly entertaining.
BONES: Hey Dawn.
DAWN: Mark! Hey! You wanna...dance?
BONES: Sure, there is nothing like romantic dancing to the sweet sounds of...
JOHN CLEESE (on stage): Ladies and gentlemen! OVICTION!
BONES: ...yeah
[OVICTION takes the stage. They are the dumbest band ever with DR. HEIDEGGER KILLU (vocals & guitar), REV. HORTON STEEVIL (bass), CRAZY LARRY (keyboards) and SPECIAL PATROL GROUP (drums). They punish the audience sonically for 45 minutes with their brand sick humor and crappy playing...but hey, they entertain the audience much better than Descension did.]
DR. KILLU: Thank you, Sunnydale!
REV. STEEVIL (still dancing): Ahhhhhhh!!!
BURT WALKER, TEXAS SPANKER (from behind OVICTION): HELLO MEN!!
BOB LONG, VIBRATOR SALES MAN: ORRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!
DR. KILLU: Come on guys!! (OVICTION gathers their stuff and run after BURT & BOB.)
BUFFY: That was different.
XANDER: Usually we have just weenie bands playing. Nice to hear something different for a change.
JOHN CLEESE (On stage): Okay, Isolated Fields is up next...we'll take a short break before they come up so they can set up. (Crowd cheers wildly. JOHN CLEESE leaves the stage to get back with Isolated Fields.)
JON (walking up to PETE with his guitar): You ready for this?
PETE (with guitar): It's been a while, but yeah I am ready.
JON: Kick ass, man.
[About fifteen minutes later, ISOLATED FIELDS takes the stage. A combination of In Flames, Hypocrisy, Killswitch Engage, and Dark Tranquility. It's JON (vocals & guitar), STEEV (vocals & bass), PETE (guitar), JOSH (keyboards), MINDY (violin & female vocals), and MADMATT (drums). They dazzle and baffle the audience with sonic darkness, and yet moments of tranquil beauty. They play for an hour. The crowd goes insane for ISOLATED FIELDS.]
STEEV: Thank you for your support.
JON: Yes, very much appreciated. We have CDs in the back for sale.
(ISOLATED FIELDS moves to remove their equipment for MARDUK to take the stage. XANDER is sitting at the bar, watching a TV.)
TV: ...with the news, I am Abaschumbee Buttnugget. Our top story...be on the lookout for this man, Mike Hunt. He is a dangerous psychopath who escaped from Fort Leavenworth prison earlier this year. He is believed to be at large in the Sunnydale area. He is armed and extremely dangerous.
(Meanwhile, DAWN and BONES are talking and laughing. PETE walks up to BUFFY after moving his equipment back the RV.)
BUFFY: You guys were great.
PETE: Thanks. It's been a while since I have been on stage, but that was fun.
XANDER (running up to BUFFY & PETE): Buffy! I just heard on the TV. Some psychopath named Mike Hunt is in Sunnydale!
BUFFY: Holy shit, Mike Hunt is...
PETE (interrupting): I don't think so. Xander, I think we should be able to handle it. If not, that new Death Squad will handle it.
XANDER: All right. I just thought I would warn you guys. (XANDER walks off.)
BUFFY: I want to watch a bit of the headline act, then can we go back to my place?
PETE: You got it.
(The stage is set up for MARDUK. The lights go out and the crowd goes bananas.)
JOHN CLEESE: Ladies and gentlemen...from the very pits of hell - MARDUK!!!
JON: Oh come on. It's only Marduk.
[A haunting melody is coming over the sound system, that of "March of the Valkyries". The band begins to take stage with LEGION (vocals), MORGAN (guitar), B. WAR (bass) and EMIL (the new drummer). The music suddenly stops and Legion takes the microphone.]
LEGION: PANZER DIVISION MARDUK!!!!!!! [The band then kicks into its trademark speeding insanity as JON rolls his eyes, then suddenly he turns in to a pigpire, going berserk, and trying to suck everyone's snot.)
(Suddenly, everything pauses. Scene cuts to TEN CHILDREN and a TEACHER in a classroom. The TEACHER is CHARLES MANSON in a suit.)
CHILD #1: Teacher, what's a pigpire?
CHARLES MANSON: As a leading expert on the subject, I will inform you of what a pigpire is...RIGHT AFTER I STAB THIS CRUCIFIX THROUGH YOUR FACE!
(The CHILDREN scream.)
CHARLES MANSON: Sorry, old habit. Anyways, a pigpire has a human body and a pig for a face. It sucks the snot out of people's noses to make it younger and stay alive. It likes to wave at people and usually has a smile on its face with its eyes closed. Jon appears to have a shirt with a pigpire face on it. My research has pointed out that Tom Cruise is a pigpire and his real name is Charles L. Plank. Mr. Plank was a priest until he was cursed with the pigpire syndrome. You will note his pigishness in the movie "Interview with a Vampire". Mr. Plank is very ugly in real life, but when he sucks snot, he looks like Tom Cruise. And so now you know...AND I AM GOING TO MURDER YOU ALL!!
(The CHILDREN scream again)
CHARLES MANSON: Oh wait. Sorry. Well you now know what a pigpire is.
CHILD #1: Why did Jon suddenly turn into one?
CHARLES MANSON: Pigpires are known to suddenly go berserk. But I believe it's only a metaphor in this movie. If Jon really was a pigpire, he would not be in the story. Also, pigpires are identified by the sound they make. The sound is "wheeeeeeeeee," similar to the sound of ten billion fingernails on a chalkboard.
CHILD #2: Is it true that Steev looks like Tom Cruise?
STEEV (running in): NO!!! (STEEV pulls out a gun and shoots CHILD #2. The rest of the CHILDREN begin screaming.) I DO NOT LOOK LIKE TOM CRUISE!!
CAMRINI: Hell yes.
(A Man that looks like Tom Cruise as his character Lestat in the movie "Interview with the Vampire" enters).
THE PIGPIRE: But I do!!! (THE PIGPIRE then attacks a bunch of the children as they go running.) Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!
(Suddenly, classical music beings playing in the background.)
CHARLES MANSON (singing): I AM GOD! I'M GONNA KILL YOU ALL! WITH A GIANT CRUCIFIX! I'LL STAB IT IN YOUR HEART! YOU WILL DIE! YOU'RE ALL GONNA DIE WHEN YOU'RE BURNING IN HELL!!!!! (He then abducts CHILD #1.)
(Cut to a shot of Hypocrisy playing "Pleasure of Molestation". JOHN CLEESE walks in front of the band. They stop playing. CHARLES MANSON stops walking. The PIGPIRE stops attacking people. JOHN CLEESE just shakes his head and raises a bell.)
JOHN CLEESE (singing): Good night, a ding ding ding. (No one does anyting.) (still singing) A good night a ding ding ding. (Puts bell down.) Nevermind then. (To audience) We got a bit off track here again. Let's rejoin the insanity at the Bronze.
(Cut back to The Bronze where everything was frozen when first interrupted. Everything then unfreezes and goes back into its blasting insanity.)
Parts of Descension's body parts and their equipment is getting thrown around in the audience. Everyone is having the best time of their lives. About twenty minutes into the set, PETE & BUFFY sneak out.]
Outside the Bronze
Sunnydale, California
July 16th, 2002 - Night
("Glory of Love" by Peter Cetera is playing in the background. PETE & BUFFY are walking hand in hand towards BUFFY's house. BUFFY notices PETE's t-shirt.)
BUFFY: Nuke the towelheads?
PETE: Gotta nuke somethin'.
BUFFY: Touche. So who are you really?
PETE: Just a regular metal head guy I suppose. Completely infatuated with you.
BUFFY: I haven't had this kind of attention in a long time.
PETE: I hope you like it.
BUFFY: I do. (She leans in to kiss PETE. They kiss and this leads to...)
1630 Revello Drive
Sunnydale, California
July 16th, 2002 - Night
(PETE & BUFFY are in BUFFY's bead. They obviously just had sex. "Glory of Love" by Peter Cetera Gay is still playing in the background.)
PETE: Holy shit! That was awesome!
BUFFY: I had fun, too.
PETE: Slayer stamina certainly comes in handy.
BUFFY: That's true.
(There is a knock at the door.)
PETE: I'll get it. (PETE puts his pants on.)
BUFFY: If it's Dawn, tell her to come back in the morning.
(PETE opens the door halfway. It's FRANKIE MUNIZ from Malcolm In The Middle.)
FRANKIE MUNIZ: Hey guys. I'm Frankie Muniz.
PETE: Get the fuck out of here. (PETE slams the door in FRANKIE MUNIZ's face and returns to bed.)
BUFFY: Who was it?
PETE: You wouldn't believe me if I told you. (They go back to having sex again. "Glory of Love" is still playing in the background. They have an overly descriptive sex scene with the ENTIRE song. YES, THE ENTIRE SONG. FEEL THE PAIN!!!)
Westgate Cemetery
Sunnydale, California
July 17th, 2002 - Early Morning...we're talking around 3:00am here
(A man runs into the cemetery. He has a shovel and a bag. He begins digging into a grave and pushing away the dirt. He opens the coffin and begins removing the parts of a long rotted body. He puts the parts in a bag, closes the coffin and begins to re-shovel the dirt back on the grave. When he is done, he runs off with his bag and shovel. He does not notice that the DEATH SQUAD is watching on.)
CAPTAIN RETARDO: What was the point of that?
CARGOMAN: I heard somewhere that random grave robbings are inserted into films for no reason other than comedic effect. I guess there's always room for grave robbing.
VYVYAN: That's where I get my legs.
THE CHOSEN ONE (bad dubbed as usual): But we are all born with legs.
VYVYAN: No, I am studying to be a doctor.
CAPTAIN RETARDO: What for?
VYVYAN: I figure that if I know more about the human anatomy, that when I beat people to death, I will know what's going on!
CARGOMAN: Sounds like fun to me.
CAPTAIN RETARDO: I think we need to find that one place.
CARGOMAN: What place?
CAPTAIN RETARDO: You know, that one place.
THE CHOSEN ONE: Chotsky's?
CAPTAIN RETARDO: Yeah! By the way, how do you do that thing with your mouth? You speak, but your lips say something else...
CHEESE GUY (appearing next to THE CHOSEN ONE while wearing two slices of cheese on his head): I wear the cheese, it does not wear me.
VYVYAN: WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT UP!!!
CARGOMAN: I thought CAMRINI shot him.
CAPTAIN RETARDO: No, that was the cheese guy. Camrimi shot the pen throwing guy. The cheese guy shakes cheese at people with dumb quotes. I think he's cool.
(The DEATH SQUAD leaves the cemetery.)
CAMRINI: I'm starting to hate that cheese guy.
1630 Revello Drive
Sunnydale, California
July 17th, 2002 - Morning
(BUFFY's room. PETE and BUFFY have their arms wrapped around one another. There is a knock at the door.)
BUFFY: What?
DAWN: Buffy, are you okay?
BUFFY: Yeah, hang on. (BUFFY and PETE get up and dress. They open the door with DAWN standing there with a smile on her face.)
DAWN: Have fun?
PETE: Yep. You?
DAWN: Oh yeah. (DAWN is wearing one of BONES' shirts.)
BUFFY: Dawn, where did you get that?
BONES: From me.
BUFFY: Oh my god!
DAWN: I am not a little girl anymore, Buffy.
BUFFY: I know! I am so happy for you! (BUFFY and DAWN hug. They then notice PETER of HYPOCRISY walking up stairs. He is followed by MICHAEL & LARS - also of HYPOCRISY.)
CAMRINI: Holy shit, it's that crazy breakfast guy from the first movie! And didn't you die?
PETER (to CAMRINI): I am fine now. (Turns to everyone else) Hey guys. I found this dumbass hanging around (brings out the battered corpse of FRANKIE MUNIZ.) I beat the shit out of him so you could be left alone.
PETE: I thought you guys were just doing cameo shots playing.
LARS: Dude, you think we'd let that little bastard get away with interrupting you while you have sex your dream woman? Hell no. We saw you at our show in St. Louis. Call this a thank you.
PETE: Well thank you very much, gentlemen. Did I mention you guys kicked ass?
MICHAEL: Thanks, man.
BUFFY: And might I add, thank you very much?
PETER: No problem, my lady.
JOHN CLEESE (suddenly appearing & to camera, audience): Ladies and Gentlemen, Hypocrisy!
(The crowd goes insane as well as the production crew. STEEV, ERIC, SKILLET, BONES & JON run by, giving all the members of Hypocrisy a high-five. They bow and leave with JOHN CLEESE.)
PETE (to BUFFY, BONES & DAWN): So, breakfast?
Underground Location
Somewhere below Sunnydale, California
July 17th, 2002 - Morning
(Once again, all the "bad guys" are gathering their materials and preparing for the invasion. BAGNETO, The BAGPEOPLE, WHEEZIS & HUFFHEAD, RICKY FITTS, TOBY, WHITEY-G, & NELLY are all about ready.)
BAGNETO: The time draws near. Prepare yourselves! And witness the end of...uh...well the end!
RICKY FITTS: MOVE OUT!! (As all the bad guys move to their new location where they will begin the assault while suddenly NELLY and WHITEY-G begin to rap about stupid crap in front of a turntable.)
1630 Revello Drive
Sunnydale, California
July 17th, 2002 - Morning
PETE (hanging up the phone): Okay, everyone is gonna meet up here, do weapon inventory, and take it from there.
BUFFY: We know something is coming with all this weirdness. I'll get Dawn and Xander to help with some research.
(There is a knock on the door and BUFFY goes to answer it. It's FRAN.)
FRAN: Guys! I have something important to tell you!
PETE: Hey, didn't you get kicked off the set?
FRAN: This is really important! That Mike Hunt guy! I know who he is!
BUFFY: Go away! (BUFFY slams the door in FRAN's face.)
FRAN: Damn! I'll have to go about this a different way. (FRAN runs off.)
(Cut back to the inside of BUFFY's house.)
BUFFY (opening a book): Okay, lets get started.
PETE (opening another book): Got it.
Near the Westgate Cemetery, Underground
Sunnydale, California
July 17th, 2002 - Noon
BAGNETO: Soon, very soon, it will all be ours.
RICKY FITTS: The bagpeople are restless.
BAGNETO: Of course they are. You turned all the vampires into bagpeople. They can't take the bags off their heads, and therefore, they can't feed.
RICKY FITTS: I thought that might be a problem.
TOBY: Hey, who cares! I will have my vengeance!
BAGNETO: We all will!
NELLY: 'ey! How many of dem bags we got?
WHITEY-G: Yeah, whatup?
BAGNETO: About 50, enough to destroy the slayer and her friends.
MIKE HUNT: When does the invasion begin?
BAGNETO: Around evening, and then we move above ground and begin the assault at the cemetery.
1630 Revello Drive
Sunnydale, California
July 17th, 2002 - Afternoon
(The rest of the group has arrived. Everyone is in the living room.)
DAWN: ...okay, as we all know about the weird stuff going on, some more research on the internet says there has been sightings underground of a group of people with bags on their heads moving towards the cemetery.
JON: On the internet?
DAWN: You can find anything on the internet.
BUFFY (aggravated): That's so...typical. Which cemetery?
DAWN: Westgate it looks like.
XANDER: They have some other people with them. I've heard that there is a gangster with them, as well as a bagperson with a purple helmet, a guy with a video camera, and a little kid.
BUFFY: What about Mike Hunt?
(Some laughs from everyone.)
PETE: Uh...
BUFFY: Never mind.
DAWN: I think that Mike Hunt is involved somehow. (More laughter from everyone.) Aww come on! It's his name!
PETE: Okay okay. So we take these guys out.
BUFFY: Can you guys fight?
(PETE, JON, STEEV, and SKILLET pull out swords. JOSH pulls out a tazer. MINDY pulls out a dagger. MADMATT pulls out a hammer. ERIC pulls out a shotgun. BONES pulls out a medium cheese pizza. Everyone looks at him.)
BONES: You know, when I get hungry.
JON: Right.
BUFFY: Okay, so we got to the cemetery and wait until night?
DAWN: That's right. They're more likely to strike then.
XANDER: Load 'em up!
(Everyone heads for the RV outside. Weapons are all piled in and the gang heads towards Westgate Cemetery for the final showdown.)
Westgate Cemetery
Sunnydale, California
July 17th, 2002 - Late Afternoon
VYVYAN: What are we doing here?
THE CHOSEN ONE (still dubbed): My instincts tell me we need to be here.
CAPTAIN RETARDO: Hey, show us that tongue thing again.
(THE CHOSEN ONE shows off his tongue and it yells.)
CARGOMAN: That's awesome!
VYVYAN: Hey look. There's a big van coming this way.
THE CHOSEN ONE: It's an RV.
CAPTAIN RETARDO: Who's in it?
(The RV pulls up. BUFFY, DAWN, XANDER, PETE, JON, JOSH, STEEV, SKILLET, BONES, ERIC, MINDY, and MADMATT.)
RV GROUP: Hey.
THE DEATH SQUAD: Hey.
BUFFY: You guys waiting for Bagneto and his group?
CAPTAIN RETARDO: What's a Bagneto?
BAGNETO (coming from underground): I AM BAGNETO! (BAGNETO, about 50 BAGPEOPLE, TOBY, WHITEY-G, MIKE HUNT, WHEEZIS & HUFFHEAD, NELLY, and RICKY FITTS all appear.)
CARGOMAN: That's interesting.
("Quintessence" by Darkthrone begins playing in background. BAGNETO begins to survey the group. They all just look back at him.)
BAGNETO: Put them in on the dark throne.
BUFFY: What?
PETE: Darkthrone?
STEEV, PETE: EXCELLENT!! (both do Air guitars a la 'Bill & Ted' complete with the same sound chord that appeared in that movie.)
BAGNETO: Execute them!
STEEV, PETE: Bogus!
RICKY FITTS (Stepping up): Now you will know the truth! The Bagpeople are back for revenge against you, Captain Retardo!
CAPTAIN RETARDO: What did I do?
NELLY: Remember me? You stole my money and killed me!!
--(Flashback to Location of the Bagpeople)-
NELLY: Good, now get outta here!! Or I cap yo ass!!!
CARGOMAN: Cap this! (Pulls out an inflatable hammer)
CAPTAIN RETARDO: Uhh....
NELLY: What the fuck is that?
CARGOMAN: My gat foo....
(NELLY starts laughing and grabs at the hammer. When he touches the hammer, the hammer shoots him in the chest killing him. EL LUCADOR comes running down the walkway.)
EL LUCADOR: Oh my god, you killed him!!!!
CAPTAIN RETARDO: Eh...he'll die again later.
--(End Flashback Sequence)-
CARGOMAN: Hey, I was the one that killed you!
NELLY: Yeah, but he was with ya! Die, muthafucka!
TOBY: Wait! He's mine!
CARGOMAN: Who's he?
BOY: You don't remember me?
--(Flashback Sequence to Location of the Bagpeople)--
(CAPTAIN RETARDO and CARGOMAN walk past a priest that is sexually abusing an altar boy.)
BOY: Captain Retardo, I need your help!!!
CAPTAIN RETARDO: I'm hearing...
--(Flashback Sequence suddenly interrupted)--
CAPTAIN RETARDO: We already did that flashback.
CARGOMAN: I remember him!
TOBY: Now you will die!
(TOBY runs up to CAPTAIN RETARDO, but is hit on the head by CARGOMAN's inflatable hammer. He falls over.)
CARGOMAN: My gat, foo!!
CAPTAIN RETARDO: And look what we brought you! (The child-molesting priest from Location of the Bagpeople shows up and begins to rape TOBY repeatedly until he dies.)
ERIC: That's just wrong.
NELLY: I won't be so easy, foo! Gimme yo lives! (NELLY aims a gun at CAPTAIN RETARDO and CARGOMAN.)
WHITEY-G: Yeah, we be getting' payback, bitch! (WHITEY-G also aims a gun at CAPTAIN RETARDO and CARGOMAN.)
CARGOMAN: Holy shit, it's the kid we put in the escalator!
CAPTAIN RETARDO: This is hilarious!!
VYVYAN: I think I will handle this. (VYVYAN then beats NELLY to death with his cricket bat. CAPTAIN RETARDO and CARGOMAN grab WHITEY-G's wheelchair and roll him down a hill. He is hit by a bus and explodes.)
BAGNETO: Enough of this! Attack!!
(BAGPEOPLE begin attacking the RV GROUP and the DEATH SQUAD. "Total War" by Acheron begins playing in background.)
(A BAGPERSON sneaks up on MADMATT and knocks his hammer out of his hand.)
MADMATT: Hey!! (The BAGPERSON goes to bite MADMATT when suddenly, TRISH STRATUS appears behind the BAGPERSON.)
TRISH STRATUS: Hands off my man!!
MADMATT: Really?
TRISH STRATUS: Yes, really. (She then proceeds to kick the crap out of the BAGPERSON, giving him the stratusphere and her version of the bulldog, breaking the BAGPERSON's neck and then she stakes him. He dies.)
MADMATT: I love you.
TRISH STRATUS: I love you, Matt. Stratusfy me? (MADMATT picks up TRISH and they run off. WHEEZIS & HUFFHEAD are just starring at TRISH's boobs, doing nothing as she runs off with MADMATT. THE CHOSEN ONE walks next to them.)
THE CHOSEN ONE (as always, bad Japanese dubbing): Greetings, little ones.
WHEEZIS: He said "little one", heehmemeehemmehehem
HUFFHEAD: Yeah, huh huh. I bet he has a little one. Huh huh huh.
THE CHOSEN ONE: Actually, I beat on wood a lot.
WHEEZIS & HUFFHEAD: huhuh huhuh uhuhhuhuh eheemememehueheemmmheh.
THE CHOSEN ONE: Then I stroke my hands around, like this. (THE CHOSEN ONE moves his arms around wildly, completely insane close ups and zoom outs...)
WHEEZIS & HUFFHEAD: huhehehehehehhehe mmehehehehe, huhuhuhuhuhuuhuhuh
THE CHOSEN ONE: And then, I use my weapons of death. (Fists fly forward, hitting WHEEZIS & HUFFHEAD in the face. They both explode. THE CHOSEN ONE remains in his position, still yelling in some language. Meanwhile, THE RV GROUP and the rest of the DEATH SQUAD are beating down on the BAGPEOPLE.)
(Meanwhile, the battle between the RV GROUP and The BAGPEOPLE continues. Suddenly...)
VOICE: Stop!!
(RV GROUP, DEATH SQUAD, BAGNETO, MIKE HUNT, RICKY FITTS & the remaining BAGPEOPLE turn to the voice. Its CALLIE, BO and JIM-BOB from Location of the Bagpeople I.)
PETE: Callie?
STEEV: Bo?
CALLIE: Sorry to show up like this. We are here to end this insanity.
BO: Yes. The time has come, Bagneto.
BAGNETO: Never!
MIKE HUNT: It's too late! Our victory is at hand!
JIM-BOB: I think not, Tom.
MIKE HUNT: What?
JIM-BOB: Yes, I know who you are, Tom. Also known as, Jim, Lorkus and Mike Hunt. Its, me...FRAN! (FRAN removes his JIM-BOB mask. There is a collective gasp from everyone.)
FRAN: Yes! And finally, you get yours! (FRAN pulls out a twelve gauge shot gun and shoots MIKE HUNT in the face, killing him. BAGNETO then flies overhead of the RV GROUP.)
CAMRINI: Nice shooting.
BAGNETO: Give up! You can't stop us!
RICKY FITTS (running up): None of you will survive this night!
FRAN: Wrong!! (FRAN holds up a small glowing ball) This is my final act. Take this you bastards! (He throws the small glowing ball at the remaining BAGPEOPLE, BAGNETO, & RICKY FITTS. The glowing ball explodes into brilliant light, revealing a large man in an overcoat. He has some sort of mechanical device over his right eye.)
BAGNETO: ...what the hell?
CATS: HOW ARE YOU GENTLEMEN?
BAGNETO: Huh? What is this?
RICKY FITTS: Holy shit! It's CATS from Zero Wing! We're screwed!!
CATS: ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO US.
BAGNETO: He's got control of all of our bases! We're doomed!
RICKY FITTS: But we don't have any bases...
CATS: YOU ARE ON THE WAY TO DESTRUCTION.
BAGNETO: RETREAT!
RICKY: We can't escape!!!!
CATS: YOU HAVE NOT CHANCE TO SURVIVE MAKE YOUR TIME.
(A large explosion and the rest of the BAGPEOPLE, BAGNETO, and RICKY FITTS are instantly consumed and destroyed, eliminating any existence that they were ever there. FRAN has also disappeared.)
CATS: HA HA HA HA! (CATS then disappears.)
PETE: For great justice!
BUFFY: What?
PETE: Um...chicken butt?
CAPTAIN RETARDO: That's my line!
(The CHEESE GUY appears next to PETE, shaking two slices of cheese at PETE.)
PETE: What the hell?
CAMRINI: I hate that guy!
(Suddenly, Roberto Benigni runs up to everyone, flapping his arms wildly.)
ROBERTO (Italian accent): Hello, hello hello!!! (He is trying to kiss CAPTAIN RETARDO and CARGOMAN.)
BUFFY: Can we go home now?
PETE: Yeah.
(Everyone begins running out to get back on the RV while ROBERTO is chasing them, hopping around madly in one of the stranges running dances ever.)
ROBERTO: Wait, come back! I want to make love to you all!
CAMRINI: Fuck that!
Sunnydale Police Station - Court House
Sunnydale, California
July 18, 2002 - Morning
[DR. KILLU (posing as a lawyer) is making a case to the Judge (the honorable JUDGE REINHOLD) to convict BURT WALKER, TEXAS SPANKER and BOB LONG, VIBRATOR SALESMAN. REV. HORTON STEEVIL, SPG, CRAZY LARRY, KEVIN NASH, SCOTT HALL, X-PAC, NEIL, MIKE, VYVYAN, ALEXEI SAYLE dressed as HARRY THE BASTARD, MEMBERS OF HYPOCRISY, SLAYER, MOTORHEAD, MARDUK, SAYTRICON, ACHERON & DARKTHRONE, ROB DARKEN, EL LUCADOR, WANG CHI, EDDIE, THUNDER, JACK BURTON, ANDREW W.K., THE HEADS OF STEVEN SEAGAL AND SATYR, SPIKE, ANGEL (still in the box), ROBERTO BENIGNI (standing on a chair, doing backflips) and ANYONE ELSE WHO APPEARED IN A CAMEO ROLE IN THIS FILM are all in the audience.]
RICK (whispering): How did we get out of the asylum again?
MIKE (whispering): Told you I used to be a cat burglar.
NEIL (whispering): Guys, we should be listening. Very heavy stuff going on...
DR. KILLU: ...and that's our case.
BURT WALKER: Eh eh eh! I object!
BOB LONG: ORRRRR!! How'd you like to buy a vibrator??
JUDGE REINHOLD: SILENCE! I'm going to allow it. Burt Walker and Bob Long, stand up! (They get up). I find you guilty on all charges. Especially the charge of being the gayest people ever and giving even gay people a bad name!! I will not allow that! I sentence you to death! (Hits his gavel on the desk.)
GABBY JOHNSON, THE OLD MAN WHO SPEAKS AUTHENTIC FRONTIER JIBBERISH: Reverend!
BURT WALKER: Eh eh eh! We'll appeal. There's not prison that can keep us!
BOB LONG: ORRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!
JUDGE REINHOLD: Wrong! Your sentence is this. Ten minutes in a prison cell with...PENIS THE PENGUIN!! (JUDGE REINHOLD to DR. KILLU) Release the evil!
BURT WALKER and BOB LONG: NOOO!!!! (Suddenly, something grabs them and the most insane sounds of gay sex are heard. As this is happening, CAMRINI is trying to get a close up of the action, but MICHAEL MOORE stands up in front of him).
MICHAEL MOORE: Hello. I am going to tell you all about America and how I am right and everyone else is wrong. I will film a documentary...
CAMRINI (to MICHAEL MOORE): Move! I'm trying to get a picture of this!!
MICHAEL MOORE: No. I will not. For I... (CAMRINI shoots MICHAEL MOORE)
CAMRINI: Gun violence kicks ass. And Bowling For Columbine was a pile of shit, you fuck!! (CAMRINI now notices the action is over and BURT & BOB are gone.) DAMNIT!!
JUDGE REINHOLD: Nothing like fighting fire with fire. Justice the way it was meant to be. Court's adjourned! (He hits his gavel on the desk and gets up to leave. Everyone begins to file out of the courthouse.)
DR. KILLU (to SPG, REV. STEEVIL, CRAZY LARRY): Come on guys, I am sure they will be back someday. We have shows to play and people to protect!
REV. STEEVIL: Ahhhhh!!!
CRAZY LARRY: Woahoahoaho... (CRAZY LARRY stops as he sees the CHEESE GUY walking up to him. They look at each other for a minute. Then high five each other.)
SPG: Oi, this is completely fucked up!
(NEIL, MIKE & RICK walk up to OVICTION.)
RICK: Hey, aren't you Vyvyan's hamster?
SPG: Back in the day, maybe.
RICK: I thought you were dead! You're coming with us!!
SPG: Is that so, laddy? (RICK moves to grab SPG but is smacked in the face with chocolate syrup from CRAZY LARRY).
RICK: Ahhh! Disfigurement! I am the elephant man!
MIKE: Shut up Rick. SPG, we'll tell Vyv you said hi. Meanwhile, at least we had a bit of an adventure without being bored for once.
NEIL: Yeah. Try not to let this whole experience bring us down...oh! Oh Wow! I just remembered something! Mike! What time is it?
MIKE: Okay Rick, here's your chance. See my watch?
RICK: Yes? (MIKE slaps him in the face.)
MIKE: That's for the virgin thing.
RICK: Bastard! Cliff Richards will hear of this!
ALEXEI SAYLE dressed as HARRY THE BASTARD: You boys still owe me 500 pounds!
MIKE: Neil? You had something to say?
NEIL: That's what I meant. We have exactly two minutes to get to the station!
RICK: Oh cock-a-doodle-doo, Neil!! What on earth for?
NEIL: We've been picked right...for an experimental train ride back to our time!!
(Jarring chord.)
RICK: To the station!
MIKE (pointing to camera): Music!
(Cut to Motorhead playing "Ace of Spades". Cut back, but the music is still playing. PETE, ERIC and JOSH are standing there.)
PETE & ERIC: (singing): The only card I need! The Ace Of Spades!! The Ace of Spades!
JOSH: AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
[Music continues as EVERYONE IN THE AUDIENCE in the Courthouse all come outside and get into a large mosh pit while NEIL, RICK & MIKE head for the train station with ALEXEI SAYLE dressed as HARRY THE BASTARD chasing them. X-PAC is then beaten to death by MASTER SHAKE for no reason other than X-PAC sucks. KEVIN NASH watches on (because he is still on crutches) and laughs.]
KEVIN NASH: I always hated that little bastard.
SCOTT HALL (exiting the mosh pit): 'ey yo. We need some alcohol.
KEVIN NASH: Is that all you think about?
SCOTT HALL: Pretty much...yep. (Suddenly, SCOTT HALL is hit by a car. A man gets out. It's ROBERT DOWNEY, JR. He is drunk and stoned.)
ROBERT DOWNEY, JR.: Hey...(hiccup)...which way to the bar? Oh...and don't tell anyone about this. I will have to go back to jail.
KEVIN NASH: Three blocks that way (pointing). I better get out of here before the author decides to kill me off. (KEVIN NASH leaves.)
GABBY JOHNSON, THE OLD MAN WHO SPEAKS AUTHENTIC FRONTIER JIBBERISH: Reverend!
1630 Revello Drive
Sunnydale, California
July 18th, 2002 - Morning
[Everyone (including CALLIE, BO and TRISH STRATUS) have piled into the RV as PETE & BUFFY are saying goodbye. JOSH and ERIC are standing near PETE.]
JOSH: Hey, how did we appear in that scene a minute ago and now here?
PETE: Nevermind. (JOSH and ERIC head to the RV, as PETE turns to BUFFY) This has been strange.
BUFFY: Best summer ever.
PETE: I hope you had some fun overall.
BUFFY: There were moments.
PETE: Thanks. Listen, we have a long drive and I know you guys are about start filming Season Seven, so we gotta leave.
BUFFY: I'll never forget you.
PETE: You can bet I'll never forget.
(They kiss once more and PETE gets into the RV. BUFFY, DAWN & XANDER wave as they leave.)
XANDER: Well, I have to get back to the site. We're about half done with the new school and it should be ready in September.
DAWN: Please, can we not talk about school?
XANDER: Sorry.
BUFFY: I heard from Giles this morning. Willow is doing fine so far.
DAWN: That's good.
XANDER: Come on, let's get some breakfast. I still have some time before I have to get back.
BUFFY: You're on!
DAWN: You got it.
(They get into XANDER's car and take off.)
THE END
SKILLET: Wait a minute. I didn't get laid. Everyone else did.
MINDY: Only Pete, Bones and Madmatt got laid.
SKILLET: Still, it would have been nice to get laid.
ERIC: I agree. It would be nice.
JON: I hate sex.
SKILLET: Shut the fuck up.
BONES: Hey, I hardly had any lines but I got to pull out the pizza. Who cares!!
CALLIE: Quit complaining. We were barely in this movie, too.
BO: Yeah really. We had to appeal to PETA to be in this.
JOSH: What was up with that band Oviction? They were weird. But I could use some sex. WHAT? NO! I AM THE SPATULA!! I UNDERSTAND EVERYTHING NOW!!
STEEV: I need sex!
KEVIN NASH: What about me? (CAPTAIN RETARDO and CARGOMAN sneak up behind KEVIN NASH, knock him over, and beat him to death with his crutches.) Damn!
CAPTAIN RETARDO: Ha ha ha!!
CARGOMAN: He said 'damn' after he died. How'd he do that?
CAMRINI: Special effects.
CARGOMAN: Oh.
PETE: Hey, what did you guys do with those two Descension chicks?
(CARGOMAN opens up the CAPTAIN RETARDO MOBILE and there are NUNSLUT and HERA, tied up and gagged. VYVYAN is trying to hit NUNSLUT in the face with a sledgehammer. THE CHOSEN ONE is slapping HERA around, making strange noises. There are some insane close ups on THE CHOSEN ONE. Also the CHEESE GUY is throwing slices of cheese at everyone.)
CAPTAIN RETARDO: I still don't get it. But screw it, let's party! We're off!
(Cut to Andrew W.K. playing "Party Hard". Cut back to scene, but music continues.)
CARGOMAN: See you guys in the sequel. (The DEATH SQUAD leaves.)
JON: What the hell is the point of that cheese guy anyways?
PETE: The subconscious attempt to project the cheese into other people's affairs?
JON: So fucking with people basically.
PETE: Basically. (Notices the "Girls Gone Wild" bus driving by and points at it.) Hey look! It's a bus full of hot naked women!! How convenient!
JON: Wait a minute, now I like sex!
SKILLET: Hell yeah!!
(ERIC, SKILLET, STEEV, JOSH, & JON jump off the RV and head to the "Girls Gone Wild" bus. FRAN is driving the bus and is giving the thumbs up to the camera. The CHEESE GUY is standing next to him with a plate of cheese for no reason other than I think its funny.)
MINDY (rolling eyes): Men. (MINDY then secretly looks around and joins everyone else on the "Girls Gone Wild" bus.)
PETE (starting up the RV): And when this baby hits 88 miles per hour...you're going to see some serious shit! (PETE hits a few buttons and the RV & the "Girls Gone Wild" bus both take off and fly down the road into obscurity with the CHEESE GUY sitting on the back of the RV, grinning. He throws one last slice of cheese, hitting CAMRINI in the face).
CAMRINI: Damn you! Damn you all to HELL!!!!
THE ACTUAL END
CAST:
Starring:
Pete Tucker as Himself/Dr. Heidegger Killu
Jon Tucker as Himself/Special Patrol Group
DC MetalSteev Gempeler as Himself/Captain Retardo/Rev. Horton Steevil
"MAD"Matt Mortensen as Himself/El Lucador
Mindy Snyder as Herself
Josh Mundy as Himself/Cargoman/Crazy Larry
Mark "Bones" as Himself
Dylan "Skillet" as Himself
Eric Coleman as Himself
Sarah Michelle Gellar as Buffy Summers
Nicholas Brendon as Xander Harris
Michelle Tractenburg as Dawn Summers
Vincent D'Onofrio as Tom Hoesbag/Jim The Enforcer/Lorkus/Mike Hunt
Steve Zahn as Fran Paisley
Wes Bentley as Ricky Fitts
and
Sir Ian McKellen as Bagneto
Special Appearances by:
Charles Manson as Himself
Tom Cruise as Charles L. Plank, The Pigpire
Woody Allen as Kamron
and
John Cleese as Himself/The Other Waiter/Second Salesman/Adolf Hitler-Hilter
Support Cast (in no particular order):
Rik Mayall as Rick
Adrian Edmondson as Vyvyan Basterd
Christopher Ryan as Mike TheCoolPerson
Nigel Planer as Neil Pye
Alexei Sayle as Harry The Bastard/Benito "Il Duce" Mussolini/Jersey Balowski
Steve Oedekerk as The Chosen One
Freddie Prinze Jr. as Himself
M. Night Shaylaman as Clerk #1 (The Towelhead)
Marc Blucas as as Clerk #2
David Spade as Wheezis (Voice by Mike Judge)
Adam Sander as Huffhead (Voice by Mike Judge)
Michael Wincott as The King
Alexis Denisof as The Squire
Vin Diesel as The Dark Figure
Phil Fondacaro as Dwarfarine/Dwarf #1
Warwick Davis as Dwarf #2
Eddie Griffin as Nelly G-Ice Funk Tru 2 Da Game
Macaulay Culkin as Toby (the Sexually Abused Altar Boy)
Marshall "Eminem" Mathers as Whitey G (Marhsall, The White Rapper Kid)
Ron Livingston as Camrini
Peter Tagtgren as Himself
Lars Szoke (Hypocrisy) as Himself
Michael Hedlund (Hypocrisy) as Himself
David Boreanaz as Angel
James Marsters as Spike
Kevin Nash as Himself
Scott Hall as Himself
Sean "X-Pac" Waltman as Himself
Trish Stratus as Herself
Frankie Muniz as Himself
Michael Moore as Himself
Andy Hallet as Penman
David Wells as The Cheese Guy
Jennifer Garner as Musicland Cashier
Torrie Wilson as The Jack-In-The-Box Cashier
Steven Seagal as Himself
Joss Whedon as Himself
Jenna Elfman as Mary Jo
Billy Bob Thornton as Jim-Bob
Tom Green as Abaschumbee Buttnugget, News Reporter
Robert Downey, Jr. as The Alcoholic Druggie
Frost (Satyricon) as The Promoter
Fenriz (Darkthrone) as Employee #1
Nocturno Culto (Darkthrone) as Employee #2
Anthony Steward Head as The Doctor
Dennis Dun as Head Waiter Wang Chi
Donald Li as Eddie Wong
Kurt Russell as Jack Burton
Carter Wong as Thunder
Judge Reinhold as The Honorable Judge Reinhold
Graham Chapman as Lambert/Von Ribbentrop
Terry Jones as The Man
Carol Cleveland as The Woman
Michael Palin as Third Salesman/Heindrich Himmler
James Bakker as The Molesting Priest
Erik Per Sullivan as The Kid on the Bike
Clint Howard as The Grave Robber
Jodie Foster as Nell
Christopher Walken as Officer #1
Harvey Kietel as Officer #2
Richard Gere as MPAA Censor
Pablo Francisco as Announcers Voice
Nobody Important as Child #1
No One Else Important as Child #2
A Bunch Of Snot Nosed Punks as The Rest Of The School (In that one scene with Charles Manson)
Todd "Year And A Half" Sheets as Himself
Brian "Strokin'" Duncan as Himself
John "Skippy" Kessler as Himself
Some Dumbass as Treetrunk
Some Other Dumbass as Cockboy
Yet Another Dumbass as Juggaloboy
Sheila Waffles as Herself
Some Whore as Nunslut
Some Other Whore as Hera
and finally
Callie Stormhunter as Herself
Bo Duckslayer as Himself
OFFICIAL SOUNDTRACK - Featuring the music (and members) of:
Acheron - Total War
Graveland - Barbarism Returns
Satyricon - The Dark Castle In The Deep Woods
Marduk - Panzer Division Marduk
Hypocrisy - Pleasure of Molestation, Time Warp
Darkthrone - Quintessence
Andrew W.K. - Party Hard
Slayer - Dead Skin Mask
Motorhead - Ace of Spades
Under The Sea - Sebastian The Crab (As sang by Angel)
Isolated Fields - Consistent Torment
Isolated Fields - Lost In The Soil
Isolated Fields - Suffering Soul
Oviction - Unholy Sodomy With A Cow
Oviction - Deathmarch Through Golgothia
Oviction - Caught Between The Milk & The Cereal
Oviction - Special Black Metal
Journey - Separate Ways (Worlds Apart)
Peter Cetera - Glory of Love
Descension - Skin Of Rebirth (Gay Punk Version complete with interruption, booing, and mocking)
Written by Pete Tucker
(c) 2003 KAM Productions - a division of DSP/CSR
DISCLAIMER: Obviously, I do not own the characters or stories of Buffy The Vampire Slayer or Angel. Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, etc. own them. All other characters are (c) of their respective owners/creators...of which there are too many to mention. No infringement is intended with this story except Descension and its members as all infringement is intended. Because we formed that band and can do whatever we want with it.
AUTHORS NOTES & OTHER INFORMATION: This story takes place after the events of Location of the Bagpeople during the summer of 2002 (so in the Buffyverse, this story takes place between Season Six and Season Seven - ANYA is off doing vengeance, WILLOW & GILES are in England, and SPIKE has not yet returned, leaving only DAWN, BUFFY & XANDER). I decided to create a story based off the group of people I hang around with and originally I wanted to create a serious story crossed over with Buffy The Vampire Slayer, but since I suck at that, this ended up a comedy, complete with the entire events of the previous Location of the Bagpeople movies. Okay, and because Sarah Michelle Gellar is the only celebrity I lust for...there I said it. Although there is quite a bit of offensive material in this (including references to molesting priests, headless children, gays, nazis vs. jews, the world trade center) it is not intended to degrade those events in any way. It's just a story anyways with really sick humor!! You have to understand that in my group of friends, there is an ongoing game to make the most offensive joke ever and thus the "title" you hear referred to a few times. Also, in case you are curious, Chubby's is a diner where they serve the best breakfast ever, House of Hunan serves the best Chinese buffet, and Fuddruckers serves the best burgers ever (in my neck of the woods).
SUMMARY: A group of metal heads and their friends are on their way to perform a concert in Sunnydale. About the same time, a demon is about to unleash his final assault on Sunnydale and the Slayer. Insanity, wackiness, darkness, and complete and total chaos then reign supreme (as usual).
Interstate 5
6 Miles North of Sunnydale, California
July 15th, 2002 - Evening
("The Dark Castle In The Deep Woods" by Satyricon is playing in the background. It's a dark, but not stormy night. Actually, it's only just starting to get completely dark. A large RV is driving down the road. The license plate says "E. BROWN". Nine people are inside the RV. We close in on two people in the front, PETE (who is driving) and his brother, JON in the passenger seat. In the back we have STEEV, ERIC, JOSH, MATT aka "MADMATT", MARK aka "BONES", DYLAN aka "SKILLET", and MINDY. The RV appears to be very modernized complete with a TV, VCR/DVD player, refrigerator/freezer, stove, microwave, shower, and a few beds as well as a small dining area. Aside from being rabid heavy metal fans, there is obviously something different about this group that just does not quite fit...)
JON: Can you please turn that crap off?
PETE: What's the matter? Got a problem with Satyricon?
JON: Yeah, they suck. They are completely gay. I would rather listen to Journey.
PETE: You already do.
(Satyricon ends abruptly, replaced by "Separate Ways (Worlds Apart)" by Journey.)
JON: Oh yeah.
PETE, JON & ERIC (Shoulders shaking, with music): "Someday, love will find you..."
STEEV (from the back): Are you guy singing Journey again?
JON: Sorry.
(Journey ends abruptly, replaced by Satyricon "The Dark Castle In The Deep Woods".)
JOSH (chanting): I think we should all shut up and listen to Tori. You didn't let anyone listen to Tori!!!!
JON: Bullshit, if I raise the price. (A question mark appears on Jon's head with some weird music for a second.)
PETE: Nevermind. Okay, time for something new. (PETE removes the Satyricon CD and replaces it with a Graveland CD. "Barbarism Returns" by Graveland begins playing in background.)
JON: Oh great. (JON does a mock Nazi salute).
STEEV (With his eyes widened and a bad German accent): Which way to the ovens! My English good, yes? (Regular English and throws his hands in the air) Did I just win the title?
PETE: No!
STEEV: Awww.
JON: Steev, you into log touchin'?
STEEV (to JON): You suck!!
ERIC: You guys are insane!
(STEEV then gets up and does his "put the Jews in the oven" dance. No one seems to notice.)
SKILLET: How much further to Sunnydale?
BONES (Looking at a map): Not much further.
STEEV: This show is going to rule! I am so excited!
PETE: Oh yeah. It will be good to play again.
MADMATT: Imagine the insanity when we play! Isolated Fields, the stage killers! (MADMATT laughs insanely at his own joke. No one else does. You can hear crickets chirping).
STEEV: Hell yes!
JON: And the best part is, we will upstage the band we started!
(Much laughter as the RV passes a sign that says "Welcome To Sunnydale".)
PETE: All right, we are here. Let's find the motel we are staying at.
ERIC (Looking at the map with BONES): It should be on the right side of the road.
MINDY (pointing): There it is.
(The RV pulls next to the Sunnydale Motel at the side of the road.)
STEEV: J, you gonna get the rooms set up?
JON: Yeah. Then lets find a place to eat.
STEEV: Hells yeah! What's my name?
JOSH: Hippie!!!
STEEV: You shut up and get in the oven!!
1630 Revello Drive
Sunnydale, California
July 15th, 2002 - Night
(DAWN is watching TV while BUFFY is putting on her coat and is about to walk out the front door.)
BUFFY: I'm off for a quick patrol, Dawn. I'll be back shortly.
DAWN: Okay. (DAWN gets up off the couch and walks towards BUFFY) Um...Buffy?
BUFFY: Yes?
DAWN: Do you think Willow will be okay?
BUFFY: I don't know for sure...but Giles said he would call if anything happens.
DAWN: Will she ever be the same?
BUFFY: It's hard to say. We will just have to wait and see.
DAWN: Okay...(they hug.)
BUFFY: All right then, I will be back later... (BUFFY exits.)
(XANDER comes down stairs.)
DAWN: Hey Xand. You want to watch TV with me?
XANDER: Sure thing, Dawnster. I'll get some snacks.
(DAWN sits back down on the couch as XANDER heads for the kitchen.)
Remains of the old Sunnydale High School/Construction site for the new Sunnydale High School
Sunnydale, California
July 15th, 2002 - Night
(A DEMON is standing near the spot where the hellmouth is located. It appears there has been construction in the area to build the new high school, but nothing much is new. The DEMON is chanting in a language we do not understand. But because I know the language, here is the translation):
DEMON: Arise, intelligent dark lords. Abuse, destroy, and create the insanity. May darkness reign forever and may the death begin now!!
(There is a huge earthquake and there is fire spitting out of the hellmouth. Suddenly it all stops and there is complete silence. The demon looks down into the hole. He then sees two people walking out of the hellmouth. It's CAPTAIN RETARDO and CARGOMAN.)
CAPTAIN RETARDO: What the hell is this place?
CARGOMAN: I have no idea.
DEMON: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(CAPTAIN RETARDO walks up to the screaming demon and kicks him in the crotch. The demon falls over, in massive pain.)
CAPTAIN RETARDO (to DEMON): What a dumbass. (to CARGOMAN) Let's go find some money.
CARGOMAN: Hey, I'm still pissed off here. After all the shit we went through in the first movie! I demand an apology.
CAPTAIN RETARDO: No. You must worship me.
CARGOMAN: Fine. (To himself) I can't believe I put up with this guy.
CHEESE GUY (appearing behind CARGOMAN with a plate of cheese): These will not protect you.
CAPTAIN RETARDO: Okay then.
(CAPTAIN RETARDO and CARGOMAN then go beat the hell out of the demon, killing it. They then leave the area. The CAPTAIN RETARDO & CARGOMAN theme music begins playing again...its still the cheap rip-off of the Spy Hunter video game theme.)
Westgate Cemetery
Sunnydale, California
July 15th, 2002 - Night
(BUFFY is out patrolling. She sees four people, two of which are fighting. It's MIKE, RICK, NEIL and VYVYAN of THE YOUNG ONES)
BUFFY (whispering): What the hell?
RICK (Shouting): I am not a virgin!
VYVYAN: Yes you are, Rick! You've never seen any girls ever!
RICK: All right! Bollocks! Let's just find some place to go. This place is so boring.
NEIL: Yeah. I was in the middle of painting my astrological star chart when some really selfish negative vibe merchant suddenly sucked us into this place...
RICK: Neil, shut up. I hate you.
MIKE: Okay guys, as Mike the Cool Person has always said "Lets go find a place to eat", Lets go find a place to eat.
VYVYAN: But we haven't got any money.
(A large bag of money suddenly falls on NEIL.)
NEIL: Oh wow. Its bad karma again! I'm being hassled by a killer bag!
RICK: We're rich! Let's find Thatcher and blackmail the bitch!
BUFFY: Uh, I don't mean to interrupt, but what is this all about?
NEIL: Oh, are we still in London?
BUFFY: I'd say no. You're in the hellmouth, in Sunnydale, California.
NEIL: Oh yeah! Its very zen!
VYVYAN (to MIKE): Who's the lady?
MIKE (Walking up to BUFFY): Mike The Cool Person here. What time do your legs open?
BUFFY (insulted): Hey! (Changing subject) You guys are smelly. Have you showered?
NEIL: Well I had a bath a few weeks ago.
RICK: Neil! Have you been using my deodorant again?
BUFFY (making a face): I'd say no.
VYVYAN: Bored bored bored bored. Let's go find some food.
MIKE: Right then. Off we go.
(The YOUNG ONES leave.)
BUFFY: Something's not right...I need to get back.
(BUFFY leaves, heading home.)
Sunnydale Motel
Sunnydale, California
July 15th, 2002 - Night
PETE: I am going to check out the RV, see if the earthquake did any damage to our equipment.
MINDY: I'll go with.
JON: Let me know if you find anything broken.
PETE: Sure thing.
(PETE and MINDY exit, outside to check out the RV.)
The Bronze
Sunnydale, California
July 15th, 2002 - Night
(The place is upbeat and people are dancing, talking, eating. There is a band on the stage, playing some gay alternagrunge emo indie garage band worshipping crap. There is a sign near the entrance that says: JULY 16, 2002 - MARDUK, ISOLATED FIELDS, OVCITION & DESCENSION. CAPTAIN RETARDO and CARGOMAN enter the Bronze.)
CAPTAIN RETARDO: This music sucks. Lets go buy beer.
CARGOMAN: Okay...
(As they walk towards the bar, CAPTAIN RETARDO sees a KID in a wheelchair.)
CAPTAIN RETARDO: (Sings Superman theme)
WHITE RAPPER KID (IN WHEELCHAIR): Hey. Whats yo prob, foo?
CAPTAIN RETARDO: What?
WHITE RAPPER KID (IN WHEELCHAIR): Hey, I know you! You da muthafuckas that put me in dat escalator!!
--(Flashback Sequence to Location of the Bagpeople)--
(CAPTAIN RETARDO and CARGOMAN are on an escalator, with a young kid.)
CAPTAIN RETARDO: So, kid, what's your name?
WHITE RAPPER KID: Fuck off, weirdo.
CAPTAIN RETARDO: Where did you learn that language?
WHITE RAPPER KID: Where do you think? Rap music, muthafucka.
CAPTAIN RETARDO: Really...
(Scene cuts away to CAPTAIN RETARDO and CARGOMAN leaving the escalator.)
MAN: Captain Retardo! Cargoman! We need your help, there is a kid caught in the escalator!!
CAPTAIN RETARDO: We know...
CARGOMAN: Yeah, we put him there!!!
--(End Flashback)--
CAPTAIN RETARDO: Yeah.
CARGOMAN: Holy shit, it is!
(CAPTAIN RETARDO then attacks the kid and begins to beat the crap out of him. CAPTAIN RETARDO then throws the KID IN WHEELCHAIR out of the wheelchair. CAPTAIN RETARDO then gets into the wheelchair, riding around in it.)
CAPTAIN RETARDO: (Singing Superman theme)
CARGOMAN: Not again. What did you do that for?
CAPTAIN RETARDO: What?
CARGOMAN: Why did you throw that kid out of the wheelchair?
CAPTAIN RETARDO: What kid?
CARGOMAN (Sighing): Never mind...this place is a dump.
CAPTAIN RETARDO: Yeah, if you launched a missile here, it would cause massive improvements.
CARGOMAN: Come on, let's go buy that beer.
1630 Revello Drive
Sunnydale, California
July 15th, 2002 - Night
BUFFY: Xander, we have a problem. There are some strange people in town...
DAWN: It's probably some demon...
BUFFY: How do you know?
DAWN: When is it not? (Silence...the Grrr Argh demon runs across the screen with JOSS WHEDON chasing after it.)
XANDER: She has a point.
BUFFY: Fair enough. Get out the books. (Turns to XANDER) Can you check out the construction site for the new school?
XANDER: I was just headed that way. I'll let you know if I find anything. (XANDER exits.)
BUFFY: Good. We'll see what we can come up with here.
Near the Sunnydale Motel
Sunnydale, California
July 15th, 2002 - Late Night
VAMPIRE #1: Okay, first we find some people...
VAMPIRE #2: Is anyone out this late?
VAMPIRE #1: There's one! (He points to a person with a plastic bag over their head. It's a BAGPERSON.)
BAGPERSON: Please...help me...
VAMPIRE #1 (snickering): Oh yeah...we'll help you.
VAMPIRE #2 (laughing): Help you die!
BAGPERSON: Oh no...please...just remove the bag from my head...
(VAMPIRE #1 goes to attack, but suddenly the BAGPERSON removes the bag from his head and puts it on the VAMPIRE #1's head. Suddenly, all the vampires in Sunnydale have bags on their heads.)
[Cut to A HUSBAND and WIFE in the Sunnydale Department Store looking to buy a mattress. LAMBERT, the Salesman (who is also a vampire), suddenly has a bag on his head.]
HUSBAND: Oh dear. Hello? Hello?
SECOND SALESMAN (approaching): Did you say 'mattress'?
HUSBAND: Well, a little, yes...
SECOND SALESMAN: I did ask you not to say 'mattress', didn't I?
HUSBAND: Well yes...
SECOND SALESMAN: Now I've got to stand in the tea chest. (SECOND SALESMAN pulls out a tea chest, steps in it and begins to sing). (Singing) And did those feet, in ancient time...
THIRD SALESMAN (walking up): Oh dear, did somebody say mattress to Lambert?
HUSBAND: Yes, I did.
(THIRD SALESMAN gives nasty look to HUSBAND.)
SECOND AND THIRD SALESMAN (singing) ...walk upon England's mountains green and was the Holy Lamb of God...
(LAMBERT removes bag; SECOND and THIRD SALESMAN immediately stop singing, THIRD ASSISTANT LEAVES.)
SECOND SALESMAN: He should be all right now, but don't... you know... just don't!
HUSBAND: No, no. (to LAMBERT) Excuse me, we'd like to see the dog kennels please?
LAMBERT (irritated): Yes, pets department, second floor.
HUSBAND: No, no, no. These dog kennels, like that (pointing to a mattress). You see?
LAMBERT: Mattresses?
HUSBAND (jumping up, expecting something but nothing happens): Oh Yes!
LAMBERT: Well if you wanted a mattress, why not say 'mattress'? I mean, it's a little confusing for me when you say 'dog kennel' if you mean mattress. Why not just say 'mattress'? (Laughs)
HUSBAND: But you put a bag over your head last time we said 'mattress'.
(LAMBERT puts a bag back over his head again.)
SECOND SALESMAN (running on the scene again, giving irritated look to HUSBAND. He then pulls out and gets back in the tea chest): (singing) And did those feet...
THIRD ASSISTANT (joining in): (singing) ...in ancient times, walk upon England's mountains green...
(The singing continues)
FOURTH ASSISTANT (running in): Did somebody say 'mattress' to Lambert?
(THIRD ASSISTANT points angrily towards HUSBAND and WIFE)
SECOND ASSISTANT: Twice!
FOURTH ASSISTANT (shouting throughout the store): Hey, everybody! Somebody said 'mattress' to Lambert...twice! (Joins in the singing)
(Organ music swells and they carry on singing)
SECOND ASSISTANT: It's not working, we need more!
(The entire Mormon Tabernacle Choir begins to sing in the background. Eventually LAMBERT removes the bag again and they stop singing.)
LAMBERT: I'm sorry, can I help you?
WIFE (brightly): We want a mattress! (LAMBERT puts the bag over his head again. All ASSISTANTS and HUSBAND groan and glare accusingly at WIFE.)
JOHN CLEESE (In a tuxedo, walking in front of the insanity): I apologize for this. We seem to have got a bit off topic here. Basically, the point of the last scene was to show that all the vampires now have bags on their heads.
(Cut to HUSBAND, WIFE, LAMBERT and ALL ASSISTANTS giving the camera the finger.)
JOHN CLEESE: Now back to our movie...
(Cut back to near the Sunnydale Motel where a BAGPERSON has just put a bag over the VAMPIRE #1's head and all the vampires now have bags on their heads.)
BAGPERSON: Now you know how it feels! And I will be reborn! (Suddenly the BAGPERSON is surrounded in light, and a new bag with a purple helmet appears on his head). BAGNETO lives!! I now dub you the two of you as my servants! (Light surrounds the two vampires with bags on their heads and they are suddenly transformed into HUFFHEAD and WHEEZIS.)
WHEEZIS: Whoa, that kicked ass!
HUFFHEAD: Shut up, butt hole!
WHEEZIS: No way!! (They fight, then notice BAGNETO.)
HUFFHEAD: Whoa, check it out. It's that wiener-head guy again.
BAGNETO: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DAMNIT!! DAMNIT!! That demon screwed up the incantation! (Sigh.) Well, I guess idiot help is better than no help.
(BAGNETO leaves with WHEEZIS & HUFFHEAD still beating on each other. After they leave, PETE and MINDY emerge from the dark.)
PETE: You don't see that everyday.
MINDY: No kidding. What was with that bag guy Lambert?
PETE: I have no clue, but you heard what John Cleese said. Come on, let's get inside and tell everyone what we saw.
(As PETE and MINDY leave, they do not notice a guy with a video camera standing there, filming a floating bag. It's Ricky Fitts from American Beauty.)
RICKY FITTS (Whispers): It's beautiful...and my vengeance will be complete!
1630 Revello Drive
Sunnydale, California
July 15th, 2002 - Late Night
(XANDER has returned from the construction site.)
XANDER: I found this. (He hands a small charm to BUFFY)
DAWN (sees the charm and then looks in a book): Here we go. It says here it's used to summon the most intelligent demons and creatures of the universe through the hellmouth. It also makes the demon that summoned them immortal.
XANDER: That doesn't make sense. The demon was dead at the scene.
BUFFY: And what about the earthquake?
DAWN (still scanning the book): It says that when the incantation is recited, the earthquake occurs and then the demons come forth from the hellmouth.
XANDER: And I found all kinds of footprints and tire tracks coming out of the hellmouth. I guess some demons are driving now.
BUFFY: I ran into some weird guys that must have come out of the hellmouth. But they were not hostile or demony. So, what the hell is going on?
DAWN: I think I got it. The demon must have recited the incantation backwards. Therefore it got the opposite effect.
XANDER: And everyone knows the opposite of intelligent is moron. That means Sunnydale is about to be overrun by...stupid people??
BUFFY: Oh...my...god.
Sunnydale Motel
Sunnydale, California
July 16th, 2002 - Morning
(STEEV is awake, running around with a towel on his head, making towelhead sounds.)
JON: Oh great, it's the towelhead alarm.
PETE: Well, we need to get up. We still have to find the place we are playing and get the equipment set up.
JON: Cool. I'll get everyone else up. (JON puts on a shirt and pants and heads outside to the next-door motel room. PETE goes outside and heads towards the RV. JON hears JOSH yelling in the next-door room as he walks up.)
JOSH: Why do you torment me? Leave me alone you bastards! (JON knocks.)
JON: Josh! You okay in there? (JON hears a bunch of fumbling around).
JOSH: Yeah, yeah. I'm fine. (JOSH opens the door, only in his boxers).
JON: Time to get up. Lets get some food.
JOSH: Hells yeah!
(The entire group comes out about half an hour later, cleaned up and ready to get some food).
1630 Revello Drive
Sunnydale California
July 16th, 2002 - Morning
(BUFFY & DAWN have finished getting dressed. BUFFY heads down the stairs and walks up to XANDER.)
XANDER: Hurry up! I am hungry!
DAWN: Be right down! (DAWN comes down the stairs a minute later, followed by BUFFY.)
XANDER: Let's eat!
Sunnydale Exercise Facility
Sunnydale, California
July 16th, 2002 - Morning
[Two people walk into an exercise facility. Its TOM HOESBAG aka JIM THE ENFORCER aka LORKUS, THE MANIFESTICAL BASTARD (and secretly, MIKE HUNT) and he is with FRAN PAISLEY, THE NOT GAY (GAY) GUY.]
LORKUS: You still have not admitted your gayness? No wait...I thought you were dead.
FRAN: No. It was a watermelon you stomped, not me. The director thought since you didn't actually kill me, I still live. Therefore here I am. And fuck you. Just because I like the Christopher Lowell show and dance to Richard Simmons does not make me gay.
(Cut to a shot of everyone involved in this production all laughing.)
FRAN: All right, were not going through this crap again. After all the shit I went through in the first movie. I was fired!
LORKUS: I am a superior being! I will kill all the gay watermelons!!
FRAN: For the last time, would you just drop it?
(Another man appears behind FRAN, in a mask. It's EL LUCADOR.)
EL LUCADOR: I will drop it...WHEN I TELL YOU, BITCH!
FRAN: I am a guy.
EL LUCADOR: Oh sorry about that. I am looking for the puppies.
(A beautiful blonde woman in a cowboy hat and trench coat walks up behind EL LUCADOR. It's TRISH STRATUS.)
TRISH STRATUS: You mean these puppies? (She opens her coat to reveal her large breasts. EL LUCADOR'S head explodes. Two dwarves enter, removing EL LUCADOR's body from the area. Cut to Slayer playing "Dead Skin Mask". In front of the band are PETE & ERIC going insane and chanting "Slayer". The dwarves carrying EL LUCADOR's body walk by the band as they play and the scene cuts back to the Exercise Facility as the dwarves exit. Music fades out.)
LORKUS: Kind of like a lethal dose of prozac...
FRAN: She's hot.
LORKUS: She's a fitness model and trainer. What's she doing here?
FRAN: Probably the same thing they are doing here (He points to KEVIN NASH, SCOTT HALL, AND X-PAC. X-PAC is holding a baby bottle, SCOTT HALL as a bottle of Jack Daniels, and KEVIN NASH is on crutches, still recovering from is blown knee in 2002.)
KEVIN NASH: They've gimped me.
SCOTT HALL: (hiccup) 'ey yo, Kev. Wasup with dat?
X-PAC (Whining): Come on guys, is it my turn to be cool yet?
KEVIN NASH: Shut the hell up! Its no wonder Vince kicked the both of you out of the WWE.
SCOTT HALL: Let's go (hiccup) find a bar...
KEVIN NASH: But it's 9 O'clock in the morning!
SCOTT HALL: Oh god...(SCOTT HALL barfs all over the floor. X-PAC begins whining.)
LORKUS: Somebody shut that kid up.
TRISH STRATUS: That's gross.
KEVIN NASH: And making guys heads explode isn't?
TRISH STRATUS: I can't help that.
FRAN: I believe you should test it out on me.
TRISH STRATUS: Okay (TRISH flashes FRAN, his head does not blow up...)
LORKUS: See, told you he was gay.
FRAN: God damnit!
Dragon of the Black Pool (Where they serve Chubby's for breakfast, House of Hunan for lunch, and Fuddrucker's for dinner in this universe. See author's notes above for more information.)
Sunnydale, California
July 16th, 2002 - Morning
STEEV: ...eight sausage patties, ten pancakes, and twelve eggs. And can I have a side of mayonnaise, hot fudge, cherry sauce, horseradish, and honey mustard?
PETE: Good god.
JON (to the waiter, who happens to be WANG CHI): He really eats all that. (to STEEV) God damn, man...
JOHN CLEESE (running up...he has a white bandages wrapped around his head and has a hospital gown on with a coat on over it): So that's two eggs mayonnaise, a prawn Goebbels, a Hermann Goering and four Colditz salads.
JON: Uh...what?
STEEV: YES!!!
WANG CHI: Sorry guys. He thinks he is the waiter in the scene. (WANG CHI then kicks JOHN CLEESE in the face. JOHN CLEESE falls over. The dwarves appear and carry him off). Sorry about that. Okay guys. I'll have that up for you guys as soon as I can. Nothin' or double.
PETE: Thanks. [PETE looks around and notices BUFFY, XANDER, & DAWN enter. PETE is completely infatuated with BUFFY. (Cut to JOSH, ERIC, JON, STEEV, MADMATT, BONES, SKILLET, & MINDY all standing on a stage and screaming: NO SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) Uh...anyways, back to where we were...]
PETE: Holy shit! That's...that's...
JON (Looks in the SCOOBY GANG Direction): Yep.
BONES: Hey, there's Dawn. Underage sex kicks ass.
STEEV (laughing): Oh my god!!
JOSH: That's awesome!
ERIC: Bones wins the title.
(PETE immediately gets up and goes over to BUFFY.)
PETE: H...Hi.
BUFFY: Hi.
Sunnydale Police Department
Sunnydale, California
July 16th, 2002 - Morning
OFFICER #1: Come on bitch, talk to us! We know you saw something last night!
NELL: I poopy myself. You go there. Sandwiches fly? Candozeah fracusmacus...
OFFICER #2: We've been going at this for three hours and we have got nothing.
OFFICER #1: She's probably just a wandering idiot. All right then, arrange to have her beaten to death.
OFFICER #2: What for?
OFFICER #1: For wasting our time and (points to camera) their time as well. Besides, Jodie Foster needs a beating.
OFFICER #2: Fuckin' a.
(They proceed to beat the crap out of NELL with their nightsticks.)
CAMRINI: This is the funniest thing I have ever seen.
MPAA CENSOR (walking in): Hang on. Don't you think this is a bit extreme? Besides, Nell was a touching story...
(Scene changes to a kid on a bike eating an ice cream bar.)
ANNOUNCER'S VOICE (offscreen): No, I'll show you extreme. New extreme ice cream bars. Ice cream so extreme, it's awesome!!
(JON walks in with an M-16 machine gun. He shoots the kid on the bike.)
JON: I hate those commercials. (JON now aims his gun offscreen.) And I hate the voices that go with them.
ANNOUNCER'S VOICE: I am just doing my job...(JON shoots.)
ANNOUNCER'S VOICE: Ahhhhh!!!
(JON walks a few feet and is back at the Sunnydale Police Station with the TWO OFFICERS, NELL, and the MPAA CENSOR.)
MPAA CENSOR: Okay this is just getting too violent...
JON (Shoots the MPAA CENSOR): Shut up. (CAMRINI gives JON a high five.)
OFFICER #1: Now that's what I call initiative!
OFFICER #2: You have a bright future in law enforcement, kid.
JON: Thanks, but I prefer my music.
OFFICER #2: Suit yourself.
(JON leaves. Both OFFICERS continue to beat NELL to death with their nightsticks.)
CAMRINI: What ever happened to that pen-throwing guy?
MAN (suddenly appearing): Ha ha!! (He throws a pen at CAMRINI but CAMRINI ducks.)
CAMRINI: Ask a stupid question. I should have known better than to say that in this film.
(The MAN grabs his pen and tries to throw it at CAMRINI again but CAMRINI shoots him in the face, killing him.)
CAMRINI: That's fuckin' violence, bitch.
Sunnydale Warehouse District
Sunnydale, California
July 16th, 2002 - Morning
KING: Squire! How did we end up here?
SQUIRE: I am not sure, my king. It seems as though, mysteriously, we have gone through some sort of time warp.
(Cut to a shot of Hypocrisy playing "Time Warp". VYVYAN is standing next to them.)
VYVYAN (giving the fingers): That's mine line, you bastards!! Remember the episode, "Time"?
(Cut back to the KING & SQUIRE.)
KING: Well, what can we do about this then?
SQUIRE: Perhaps the dark figure you saw might have something to do with this.
DARK FIGURE (Stepping out): And you would be right.
KING: You! Torment me no longer and reveal yourself!
DARK FIGURE: (Snickers). I think not. Everything is going to plan so far. And now just a few more hours and it will all come into place.
(Suddenly the door bursts open and in walks RICK, MIKE, NEIL & VYVYAN.)
VYVYAN: Oh god! This ajax is giving me a nosebleed.
NEIL: That's heavy, Vyv. Maybe you need a cup of herbal tea?
RICK: Neil, you have the intelligence of an ant.
MIKE: I don't want to bring us to a lower level, but there appears to be a King, Squire and a Dark Figure in front of us.
VYVYAN: King? What's he got?
RICK: Let's overthrow his dictatorship!
KING: Hey wait, you don't even know what I am king of.
DARK FIGURE (Booming voice): Leave this place!
RICK: Bloody hell! I can't hear a damn thing now.
VYVYAN (pulls out his cricket bat): No one orders Vyvyan around! (He proceeds to beat the DARK FIGURE into submission).
DARK FIGURE: Please! No more!
VYVYAN: No one tells me what to do!
NEIL: Oh wow! Heavy beatings!
(The door again bursts open and its CAPTAIN RETARDO and CARGOMAN.)
CAPTAIN RETARDO: Uhhh, what the hell?
CARGOMAN (Breaking out his inflatable hammer): Hell yes!!!
CAPTAIN RETARDO: You and that "gat".
CARGOMAN: I have this odd feeling that someone I know is around...
CAPTAIN RETARDO: Let's go get some chicken. FRIED!!!!!!!
VYVYAN (noticing CAPTAIN RETARDO & CARGOMAN): What do you want?
CAPTAIN RETARDO: We want to...make money.
VYVYAN: Really? That's what I want to do. And I like hammers...
CARGOMAN: Thanks.
VYVYAN (Giving the rest of the YOUNG ONES the fingers): Sod off. I am joining these guys.
CAPTAIN RETARDO: Cool.
RICK: Vyvyan! Get back here this instant!
VYVYAN: Pouf! (To CAPTAIN RETARDO & CARGOMAN) Let's go break stuff!
CARGOMAN: Hell yeah!
(VYVYAN, CAPTAIN RETARDO & CARGOMAN proceed to beat on the DARK FIGURE by throwing flowerpots at him. They then take CARGOMAN's hammer and VYVYAN's cricket bat and beat the DARK FIGURE to death.)
KING: What's with all this violence?
SQUIRE: My King! I must protect you!
CARGOMAN: What the hell are you doing here anyways? You guys only had one scene in the first movie and it made no sense! And who the hell is Kamron?
KAMRON (Walking in): Uh, yeah hi. I'm Kamron. You see, there were these people and...
CAMRINI (Shooting KAMRON): Shut the hell up!
CARGOMAN (To SQUIRE): You were saying?
SQUIRE: Um...what?
CAPTAIN RETARDO: Chicken butt?
VYVYAN: KILL!!! (VYVYAN, CARGOMAN & CAPTAIN RETARDO move to beat the KING & SQUIRE to death. NEIL, MIKE & RICK join in. VYVYAN keeps pushing them out of the way. Eventually, the KING & SQUIRE are beaten into oblivion.)
VYVYAN: There's nothing like mindless violence.
CAPTAIN RETARDO: That's for sure.
NEIL: Oh no! We'll be vigilantes! Wanted for murder!
MIKE: Neil, all you did was run around in circles and sang the Greatest American Hero theme song.
RICK: Anarchy! I love it! Take that Thatcher!
CARGOMAN: Those guys are weird.
CAPTAIN RETARDO (to VYVYAN): Welcome aboard.
VYVYAN: Happy to be of the gang. (He turns to the rest of the YOUNG ONES.) I'll be beating you soon.
(RICK, MIKE & NEIL all run out of the warehouse.)
CAPTAIN RETARDO: And now we can get to more interesting matters.
CARGOMAN: Like chicken...FRIED!!!!!
CHEESE GUY (appearing next to CAPTAIN RETARDO with a table with cheese on it): I've made a little space for the cheese slices.
CAPTAIN RETARDO: Who the hell is that guy?
Deserted Road
26 Miles west of Sunnydale, California
July 16th, 2002 - Morning
(Two dogs are walking down a deserted road. They are a large border collie - CALLIE; and a large husky retriever mix - BO.)
CALLIE: How did we get talked into this again?
BO: Well, with all the insane stuff going on in Sunnydale, they need somebody who can sort it all out.
CALLIE: Why us?
BO: We're the only normal ones.
CALLIE: Talking dogs?
BO: Hey, I didn't write this. Especially after what we went through with PETA.
CALLIE: No shit. It's not like anyone is treating us bad. Besides, I have heard stories about this one dog that used to live with my master...
BO: Not this story again.
CALLIE: Sorry, it's funny sometimes. By the way, who were those weird guys in that van? It said OVICTION on the side or something.
BO: Just some guys I know. They were headed this way anyways, but I thought we could walk the rest of the way to stay undercover. They are playing with our masters' band.
CALLIE: Cool.
Dragon of the Black Pool
Sunnydale, California
July 16th, 2002 - Morning
PETE: ...and that's how I know so much about you.
BUFFY: That's a very weird story you know.
PETE: Yes, I know, but I can't really explain it. It's just what I know.
DAWN: Wow, I am a TV star. That's unbelievable!
BONES: Hi, I am Mark. Everyone calls me Bones for some reason.
DAWN (Infatuated): Oh...really?
XANDER: Hey, Dawn has a crush on me!
DAWN: Not anymore...so how do you feel about underage sex?
BUFFY: Dawn! That's just wrong!
DAWN: This is California.
BUFFY: Oh yeah...but he could be one of the stupid people.
PETE: Trust me, he isn't.
(Just then, STEEV runs by, pointing outside and yelling in a fake German accent.)
PETE: On the other hand...
JON: What is it?
MINDY: Looks like a Nazi parade.
MADMATT: Not this again...
(Outside, a man, dressed like HITLER is riding a bike and is on a megaphone, yelling stuff in German. Behind him is a man dressed as Von Ribbentrop, holding a sign that says "ELECT HITLER" but with arrows pointing to reverse the L and the T. Behind him is a man dressed as Heindrich Himmler, playing a record player.)
STEEV: YES! THIS RULES! SIEG HEIL!! GET IN THE OVENS!
WANG CHI: Sir, I am going to have to ask you to sit down and calm yourself.
STEEV: Oh...sorry about that. Got carried away there.
WANG CHI: Your food is ready. (STEEV runs to the table and begins eating. Everyone else beings to return to their tables.) By the way, have you met my friend, Eddie Wong?
PETE: It's nice to meet you, Eddie.
WANG CHI: Eddie's the new Matre'D at the Dragon of the Black Pool.
EDDIE: And a whole lot more!
BUFFY (walking up to PETE): So you've noticed all the weird stuff going on?
PETE: You noticed that, too, huh?
BUFFY: Here is my number (hands PETE a piece of paper). Call us if you find out anything more about this.
PETE: I will. Thanks for not freaking out about that weird story.
BUFFY: No problem. Living on the hellmouth, I have heard stranger things.
PETE: See you soon.
BUFFY: Hopefully. (BUFFY smiles)
(PETE jumps in the air anime style and freezes mid-air. JON walks buy him.)
JON: That's gayer than a double live Marduk CD.
(LEGION And MORGAN of MARDUK enter.)
LEGION: At least we're not as gay as Satyricon. Rebel Extravaganza? What were they thinking?
JON: Fair enough.
MORGAN: You guys are one of the bands opening for us, right?
JON: Actually, two of the bands, but yeah we are opening for you guys.
LEGION: Cool, we'll see you guys there.
PETE (Finally coming down): Hell yeah!
(Everyone sits down to eat.)
WANG CHI: That was strange as hell.
EDDIE: Chinese have a lot of hells.
WANG CHI: I've heard that before.
Underground Location
Somewhere below Sunnydale, California
July 16th, 2002 - Near Noon
(A large group of BAGPEOPLE, with WHEEZIS & HUFFHEAD, BAGNETO, RICKY FITTS, and MIKE HUNT.)
BAGNETO: Yes, the plan is finally coming together...albeit a bit odder than I thought.
MIKE HUNT: Strange as it seems, but why did I align with you again?
BAGNETO: I can help you become looser than you have ever been.
MIKE HUNT: That's right. Who else is coming?
RICKY FITTS: I am here. (Everyone bows to him.) Let's get down to business.
MIKE HUNT: With all do respect sir, how will we claim victory here at the hellmouth in Sunnydale, California?
RICKY FITTS: Now that we have killed off Dwarfarine, we have no one that can stop us!
BAGNETO: We haven't killed Dwarfarine yet.
RICKY FITTS: Oh...oh yeah. Well when we do, no one will stop us.
MIKE HUNT: One thing we should note is the reports of a group of metal heads in town...
BAGNETO: I am not concerned about them. I am more concerned with Dwarfarine. He is dangerous, look how fast he took me out last time.
RICKY FITTS: That does not matter. Although the original incantation failed, stupid people are mobbing Sunnydale. They won't know what hit them! And, we will be able to rule the universe from beyond the grave.
JACK BURTON: Or check into a psycho ward, which ever comes first, huh?
BAGNETO: What the hell is he doing here? Now this really pisses me off to no end! Get rid of him!
THUNDER (with a cigar): Heh heh heh. (Clap of thunder in background) I can halp yu.
BAGNETO: Good, get him out of here.
(THUNDER picks up JACK and they leave as JACK begins ranting about his ex-wife...)
RICKY FITTS: Anyone else? (A small BOY raises his hand) Yes?
ALTAR BOY: I need my revenge on Captain Retardo and Cargoman. They let me be molested by a priest and all he did was say he could here me talk!
RICKY FITTS: WHAT?!!
--(Flashback Sequence to Location of the Bagpeople)-
(They walk past a priest that is sexually abusing an altar boy.)
ALTAR BOY: Captain Retardo, I need your help!!!
CAPTAIN RETARDO: I'm hearing you talk.
(They keep walking, the priest keeps abusing.)
--(End Flashback Sequence)--
RICKY FITTS: We will help you, boy! What is your name?
ALTAR BOY: Thank you! My name is Toby.
BAGNETO: Anyone else?
WHITE RAPPER KID (IN WHEELCHAIR): Yeah. I be needin' to get back at them. They put me in an escalator and left me there! Then they jacked my wheelchair!
RICKY FITTS: Then we will help you as well! And your name?
WHITE RAPPER KID (IN WHEELCHAIR): Marshall, but everyone calls me Whitey-G.
BAGPERSON #1: I have a question.
BAGNETO (bored): Yes?
BAGPERSON #1: Ricky said we were (wheeze) going to rule the universe from beyond the (suck) grave. How can he if he's not dead? Are (wheeze) we undead or something?
RICKY FITTS: I was being sarcastic...
BAGPERSON #1: What?
RICKY FITTS: Um...chicken butt?
HUFFHEAD: He said "butt"...huh huh
WHEEZIS: Yeah...butts butts butts! Hehehehemmhehehm.
BAGNETO: Soon we will all have our revenge and the world will be ours!
1630 Revello Drive
Sunnydale, California
July 16th, 2002 - Just after noon
(BUFFY and DAWN are in the kitchen, talking.)
DAWN: Pete's kind of cute.
BUFFY: Yeah, he is. What about that Mark guy. Bones?
DAWN: Don't worry; I am sure he is a nice guy. And he gets me horny.
BUFFY: Dawn!! (They hear a knock on the door. BUFFY goes to answer it. Its STEVE OEDEKERK dressed as THE CHOSEN ONE from Kung Pow: Enter the Fist. When he speaks, it appears like a dubbed Japanese film.)
THE CHOSEN ONE: Excuse me. I am looking for the warehouse district?
BUFFY: It's on the other side of town. Take the main highway and you can't miss it.
THE CHOSEN ONE: Thank you. (There are immediate zoom ups on THE CHOSEN ONE for no reason whatsoever, and then he leaves).
BUFFY (Shutting door): That was weird.
DAWN: That's usual around here, especially with all this craziness. By the way, what did you tell Pete about Freddie?
BUFFY: Pete said he would take care of it.
DAWN: But I thought you liked Freddie?
BUFFY: Nah, he was a real jerk. He can't even act.
(XANDER knocks at the door and enters.)
XANDER: Hey, I brought over a few movies. We can kick back and relax a bit.
BUFFY: Sounds good.
7-11
Sunnydale, California
July 16th, 2002 - Afternoon
(PETE enters the 7-11 and notices CLERK #1 of middle-eastern descent behind the counter.)
PETE: I need your help.
CLERK #1 (ridiculous middle eastern accent): Yes?
PETE (Hands him a picture of Freddie Prinze, Jr.): This guy called Allah a sodomizing child molester.
CLERK #1: Tell me where I can find him!
(PETE hands him an address on a piece of paper. The TOWELHEAD immediately leaves. Another clerk comes up front.)
CLERK #2: Can I help you?
PETE: Yeah, three mountain dews, and gas on pump 9.
(PETE pays CLERK #2 and leaves.)
Freddie Prinze Jr.'s House
Hollywood, California
July 16th, 2002 - Afternoon
(FREDDIE PRINZE JR. looking at a picture of BUFFY.)
FREDDIE: Hehehe. She has no idea. I am stealing her soul and all her money will be mine!
(There is a knock at the door. Freddie gets up to answer it. He opens the door to see a TOWELHEAD in a green trench coat and a turban.)
FREDDIE: Can I help you?
TOWELHEAD: ouiouiouioiouiouoiiouiouiouiouioiouiouioiouioi!!!!! (The towelhead then opens his coat to reveal a bunch of dynamite.)
FREDDIE: Oh shi...
(There is a massive explosion, killing both FREDDIE PRINZE JR. & the TOWELHEAD. Cut to PETE.)
PETE: That's black metal.
Interstate 8
Near the California/Arizona Border
July 16th, 2002 - Afternoon
(There is a van on the highway and we close in on it. On the side, it says DESCENSION. Inside are seven people, TODD "ASTOROTH OCCULTUS" SHEETS, SKIPPY, TREETRUNK, JUGGALOBOY, COCKBOY, BRIAN "FATHER AARESTAAD" DUNCAN, TODD's girlfriend, SHELIA, dressed as a waffle house waitress, NUNSLUT, and HERA. They are on their way to Sunnydale to perform a concert.)
TODD: I think we have everything.
BRIAN: Great show last night. Who cares if they thought we were Dio clones. Your vocals are the best, Todd.
TODD: Thanks. I know I am god because you guys worship me unconditionally and don't question anything I say. Unlike some of our past members.
TREETRUNK: (grunt)
COCKBOY: Dildo!
JUGGALOBOY: ICP!
SKIPPY: Todd! I love Satan now! God was wrong and Satan is right! He was right when he fell from the heavens! Are we opening for King Diamond?
TODD: Yes, soon. Then I will begin filming my next three movies as well as working on the new Descension record.
SHELIA: Todd, will you eat my waffle?
TODD: Later.
SKIPPY: You know, I still can't believe I am in Descension!
TODD: Yep. Oh hey! A Jack-In-The-Box! We're stopping!
TREETRUNK: (grunt)
COCKBOY: Dildo!
JUGGALOBOY: ICP!
(They all get out of the van, all dressed in spikes and face paint. They enter the Jack-In-The-Box, looking like idiots.)
CASHIER: Uh...excuse me. You can't come in here dressed like that.
TODD: We can do whatever we want. We're Descension. Heard of us?
CASHIER: No.
TODD: Well I am sure that's just an error on your part.
SKIPPY: Yeah! You know, we are Satanists!
BRIAN: Something like that.
TREETRUNK: (grunt)
COCKBOY: Dildo!
JUGGALOBOY: ICP!
CASHIER: That's really nice. Now can you all please leave?
TODD: BITCH! I want to talk to your manager! We are gonna get some respect around here! For punk rock!
BRIAN: For punk!
SKIPPY: For punk!
TREETRUNK: (grunt)
COCKBOY: Dildo!
JUGGALOBOY: ICP!
Sunnydale Motel
Sunnydale, California
July 16th, 2002 - Afternoon
(PETE has just returned with the RV and gets out.)
JON: So Pete, you gonna score?
PETE: That would kick ass. I've only been in love with her forever.
STEEV: Yeah...
BONES: I am gonna pork Dawn.
STEEV (arms in air): Hells yeah!
MINDY: That's disgusting!
MADMATT: (Laughing)
BONES: It's California.
MINDY: Oh yeah.
MADMATT: Hey, this is only my fourth line in the movie. Well, third anyways if you don't count that laugh I did...
SKILLET: Really! Write some more for us, dickweed!
JOSH: Yeah really! All you do is write strange lines for me, like I am insane or something.
ERIC (He is now wearing a Venom shirt that says "Black Metal" but instead of the usual face, it's a black man with a huge afro. Also, he has a button on his shirt that says "The Black Man Is God".): Excuse me. I represent the author. And if you have a problem with that we are gonna sue you for ten million dollars.
STEEV: Yes! Eric kicks ass!
SKILLET: Oh sorry.
PETE: Josh, you are insane.
JOSH: Oh yeah, I forget sometimes. WHAT? HIPPIES! I START THIS FUCKING SONG!!!!
MADMATT: Hey, can I tell a joke here?
ERIC: No one is going to laugh at it.
MADMATT (Twilight Zone voice): You are about to enter a building...
JON (To MADMATT): You're insane.
STEEV (singing): Precious doe, precious doe...
ERIC: It just doesn't stop getting any lower.
BONES: Yes it does. All the author does for me is make me want to score with an underage girl.
ERIC: But she's hot and it's California. Besides, at least you are getting laid eventually. No one else is because of recent events. It seems there has been some re-writes to this script. But, you never know who might end up together, even if its two guys.
MADMATT: Uh...that's all right. We're good.
SKILLET: No problem. We're fine. Besides, BLACK METAL IST KRIEG!!
STEEV: Hells yeah!
PETE: Hell yeah!! Hey, there are some wrestling DVDs in the back if you want to watch them. We have some time before we have to get to the Bronze.
MADMATT: I'm in.
SKILLET: Me too. At least we are not as gay as Fran.
FRAN (walking up): Hey now! (LORKUS, TRISH STRATUS, & EL LUCADOR approach as well).
PETE (to EL LUCADOR): I thought you were dead.
EL LUCADOR: I got better...
LORKUS: You are gay, Fran. Trish proved it.
MADMATT (laughing): You're gay!
FRAN: Just leave me alone.
LORKUS: Maybe we can find Mary Jo.
FRAN: She's dead.
LORKUS: She is?
--(Flashback to Location of the Bagpeople)-
MARY JO: Lalalalalala (She begins dancing in the middle of the screen)
(After 5 minutes of nothing exciting, MARY JO gets shot by CAMRINI and in come the dwarves to do their thing again, but this time they shut the door and the crew goes bananas because someone did something right.)
TOM: Heck yeah.
--(End Flashback Sequence)-
LORKUS: Hey, I was Tom in that flashback.
FRAN: You still are.
LORKUS: Puny mortal! I will destroy you!
FRAN: Whatever.
SKILLET: Hey guys, check this out (Turns up radio in RV).
RADIO: ...with the news, I am Abaschumbee Buttnugget. Our top story...Mike Hunt, the dangerous psychopath is believed to be loose in Sunnydale. He escaped from Fort Leavenworth prison earlier this year and is believed to be at large in the area. He is armed and extremely dangerous.
TRISH STRATUS: Holy shit, Mike Hunt is loo...
MADMATT (interrupting): Stop that. Not Trish Stratus.
MINDY: That's disgusting.
TRISH STRATUS (noticing MADMATT): Aww poor baby. You've had a hard time haven't you? I can help you out. (TRISH STRATUS takes MADMATT's hand and they enter the RV.)
PETE: Good for Matt!
SKILLET: Damn, she has big boobs!
STEEV: Big boobs are awesome.
ERIC: That, my friend, is definitely worth it.
LORKUS: Uh...I have to go. (LORKUS runs off.)
PETE: What's his problem?
MINDY: Maybe he knows Mike Hunt.
BONES (laughing): Mike Hunt. (MINDY hits BONES.)
PETE: I hope that's not true.
ERIC: What happened to that Camrini guy in the flashback?
PETE: With all the crap going on around here, I am sure he will be around.
CAMRINI: I am already here. Who do you think is filming this, you morons?
PETE: Yeah, well at least you should feel happy the author even gave you a line. All you did was kill people in the first movie.
CAMRINI: I had a cameo in the second. And at least I was IN the first movie.
ERIC: That's it. Defamation of character. Mr. Tucker, take a note. We are suing him for twenty million dollars.
PETE: Got it.
SKILLET: So...this scene is mostly filler?
PETE: More or less.
CAMRINI: By the way, Fran?
FRAN: Yes?
CAMRINI: I just got word from the director. You're fired. Get off this set and kill yourself, you homosexual bastard.
FRAN: DAMNIT!!!!!!!
(As FRAN walks off the set, STEEV turns to JOSH.)
STEEV: Let's go get cigarettes.
JOSH: Hells yeah!
Near the Espresso Pump, A block away from the 7-11
Sunnydale, California
July 16th, 2002 - Afternoon
(CARGOMAN, CAPTAIN RETARDO, and VYVYAN are walking down the street.)
CARGOMAN: Why does this town smell like shit??
CAPTAIN RETARDO: That sounds strangely familiar.
VYVYAN: Listen, if we get some liquid drano, we can get this party really started.
(THE CHOSEN ONE walks up to them.)
THE CHOSEN ONE (in bad Japanese dubbing): Excuse me. I am looking for Captain Retardo and Cargoman. Do you know them? (Massive close up on THE CHOSEN ONE.)
CAPTAIN RETARDO: I be the Captain. (Points to CARGOMAN) And this is Cargoman. (Massive close-ups on CAPTAIN RETARDO and CARGOMAN.)
VYVYAN: I'm Vyvyan Basterd.
THE CHOSEN ONE: I have been instructed to join you three. (Insane Zoom In and Out on THE CHOSEN ONE, then on VYVYAN, CARGOMAN and CAPTAIN RETARDO.)
VYVYAN: Really? Then we can break more stuff?
THE CHOSEN ONE: Yes, just watch me demonstrate. (THE CHOSEN ONE jumps into the road next to a parked car.) I hope you slept well, because now you die. (THE CHOSEN ONE punches the car and it explodes.)
CAPTAIN RETARDO: Holy shit!
CARGOMAN: That guy rules!
VYVYAN: Brilliant!!
THE CHOSEN ONE: Vyvyan, come with me for a moment. I need to speak to you privately.
VYVYAN: Right.
(THE CHOSEN ONE and VYVYAN step away as CAPTAIN RETARDO and CARGOMAN stand by the Espresso Pump. They notice two people walking towards them. It's STEEV and JOSH.)
CAPTAIN RETARDO: What the hell?
CARGOMAN: Uh...?
STEEV (noticing CAPTAIN RETARDO and CARGOMAN): What the hell?
JOSH (noticing as well): Uh...?
(The resemblance between CAPTAIN RETARDO and STEEV as well as CARGOMAN and JOSH is unmistakable. One would think the same actors are playing STEEV and CAPTAIN RETARDO; JOSH and CARGOMAN respectively. Which they are.)
JOSH: This.
CAPTAIN RETARDO: Is.
STEEV: Really.
CARGOMAN: Weird.
(STEEV and JOSH walk on, towards 7-11.)
CAPTAIN RETARDO: That was interesting.
CARGOMAN: Yeah.
(THE CHOSEN ONE and VYVYAN return.)
VYVYAN: Right, THE DEATH SQUAD is born! We're off!
(They leave.)
The Bronze
Sunnydale, California
July 16th, 2002 - Afternoon
(Two employees of the Bronze are unloading sound and PA equipment.)
EMPLOYEE #1: This is going to be a strange show tonight.
EMPLOYEE #2: Yeah really. Who booked Descension to open for Marduk?
EMPLOYEE #1: Some retard obviously.
EMPLOYEE #2: Have you ever heard of Oviction?
EMPLOYEE #1: Yeah, they are the worst band ever.
EMPLOYEE #2: What about Isolated Fields?
EMPLOYEE #1: They are pretty badass...
Underwater, off the coast of Los Angeles
Los Angeles, California
July 16, 2002 - Afternoon
(SPIKE is in a submarine and is talking to ANGEL in the underwater casket.)
ANGEL: ...so you went all the way to Africa to get your soul for Buffy?
SPIKE: Yeah, can you blame a guy? She's had that effect on both of us, mate.
ANGEL: I know the feeling. How'd you know where to find me?
SPIKE: The writer told me you'd be here. Since the shows are on different networks, the only way to know what's really going on are the fans and fan fiction. You know, it's bloody insane that you have a kid between you and Darla.
ANGEL: Yeah, I know what you mean. (Silence for a moment.) Oh, I almost forgot, I'm a Big Brother.
SPIKE: Come again?
ANGEL: Big Brothers and Big Sisters. I'm a Big Brother.
SPIKE: To some kid? Aside from your own?
ANGEL: Yeah. I took him to see Devil's Advocate at the dollar theater. Now, every time he's not looking directly at me, I vamp out. If the kid gets anymore paranoid he's gonna explode.
SPIKE: That's brilliant, mate. (ANGEL and SPIKE laugh.) Well, I gotta run. James Cameron needs the sub because he thinks he's going to find the Titanic again and make a bloody sequel.
ANGEL: Oh god, not that crap. Anyways, thanks for stopping by, Spike. Maybe we'll meet again.
SPIKE: Yeah, if the networks allow it. (The submarine speeds off as you hear Angel singing "Under The Sea".)
Kingman's Bluff - Near the recently raised satanic temple
Sunnydale, California
July 16th, 2002 - Afternoon
(Two guys and a hamster are standing near the temple. There is a van nearby that says OVICTION. The first guy is DR. HEIDEGGER KILLU, with his long hair and POISON t-shirt, the second is REV. HORTON STEEVIL, with his Indiana Jones hat, glasses, no arms and random yelling at things. The hamster has an orange mohawk.)
DR. KILLU: This is the coolest thing I have ever see.
REV. STEEVIL: Ahhhh!!!!!!!
DR. KILLU: Don't you ever speak normal besides when we are playing live?
REV. STEEVIL: Ahhhh!!!!!!!
DR. KILLU: Sheesh.
SPG (Completely over-the-top Scottish accent): Oi. We're looking for that butt pirate.
CRAZY LARRY (Throwing chocolate syrup around): Woahoahoahoah!!!!!!
DR. KILLU: So much for sanity. (To SPG) And yes, we are looking for Burt Walker, Texas Spanker. He was last scene in this area.
SPG: And then you go and accept playing a show here? That's the biggest pile of shit I've ever seen!
DR. KILLU: True, but hey while were looking, no harm in playing, right?
SPG: Right then.
REV. STEEVIL (Pointing): Ahhhh!!!! (DR. KILLU & SPG look in the direction he is pointing)
DR. KILLU: Holy shit, there he is!!
BURT WALKER, TEXAS SPANKER (Gayest voice you've ever heard, similar to that of Burt from Sesame Street, but gayer): Eh eh eh! You'll never get me, Dr. Killu. I have help this time! (A man in a suit and a gray beard walks up.)
BOB LONG, VIBRATOR SALESMAN: Hi, I'm Robert Long. How'd you like to buy a vibrator? ORRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!
BURT WALKER: Eh eh eh! Victory is mine! (BURT WALKER and BOB LONG run off)
DR. KILLU: Come on! (They all load into the OVICTION van with CRAZY LARRY throwing chocolate syrup all over the place still).
CRAZY LARRY: Woahoahoahoah!!!
REV. STEEVIL: Ahhhhhh!!!!
SPG: Oi! Why me?????????
1630 Revello Drive
Sunnydale, California
July 16th, 2002 - Late Afternoon
(BUFFY, XANDER & DAWN are watching a movie. The phone rings. BUFFY goes to answer it, and not mysteriously because that would be stupid.)
LORKUS: Yeah, really...
(BUFFY answers the phone.)
BUFFY: Hello?
VOICE: Buffy? It's Pete.
BUFFY: Hey. What's up?
PETE: Not much. Listen, we haven't found out much on our crazy people, but I forgot to mention to you earlier what we are doing in this town. We're opening for a band at the Bronze. Want to meet us there? We'll get you in free...
BUFFY: Yeah, definitely. What time?
PETE: Around 8 or so.
BUFFY: We'll be there.
PETE: Okay, see you then (Hangs up.)
BUFFY: Bye. (Hangs up the phone. To DAWN & XANDER): We're Bronzin' tonight. Around 8 o'clock.
DAWN: I am going to get ready! (She runs upstairs.)
XANDER: I guess she is excited.
BUFFY: Yep. I think tonight might be her night.
XANDER: I have the same feeling for you as well.
BUFFY: Thanks, Xander. I am gonna get ready as well.
XANDER: All right, I'll be back to pick you girls up around 7:45.
BUFFY: Okay!
(XANDER leaves and BUFFY goes upstairs.)
The Bronze
Sunnydale, California
July 16th, 2002 - Late Afternoon
(A van with DESCENSION written on it pulls up to the Bronze. SKIPPY is out first.)
SKIPPY: We're here! Satan is cool!
TODD: Let's start unloading.
(They begin to unload their crappy equipment for the show. TODD meets with the show's promoter to tell him the band has arrived.)
PROMOTER: Okay, Descension. You guys are booked to play first.
TODD: Who else is playing?
PROMOTER: Besides Marduk and yourselves, we have Isolated Fields and Oviction.
TODD: Isolated Fields?
PROMOTER: Yeah, from the same city as you guys. Do you know them?
TODD: Uh, sort of. Thanks.
SHELIA: Todd, will you impregnate me with your seed?
TODD: Later.
TREETRUNK: (grunt)
COCKBOY: Dildo!
JUGGALOBOY: ICP!
Underground Location
Somewhere below Sunnydale, California
July 16th, 2002 - Late Afternoon
(BAGNETO with the BAGPEOPLE, & RICKY FITTS are talking to DWARFARINE, tied to a chair.)
BAGNETO: Finally! We have captured you, Dwarfarine!
DWARFARINE: You'll never get away with this!
BAGNETO: Oh I think so. (NELLY from Location of the Bagpeople enters.)
NELLY: Yeah boyyeee. I gonna cap dis muthafucka. Getting' ma benjamins back from dem bastards dat stole from me!
DWARFARINE: Never!
(Someone comes running in. Its MIKE HUNT.)
MIKE HUNT: Sorry, got busy doing something else.
RICKY FITTS: Greetings Mike Hunt. Nelly G-Ice Funk Tru 2 Da Game is about to cap Dwarfarine's ass.
BAGNETO: Nelly, do your thing.
NELLY: Yeah. I be getting payback bitch! (He shoots DWARFARINE in the face, killing him.) Yeah. Word up! Dat's what it all about! West siiiiiiiiiiiiiide!
WHITEY-G: Daaaaaaaamn! Dat's phat! Let's lay down some phat beats, yo!!
NELLY: Hell yeah!!
BAGNETO: Good shot. Now that he is out of the way, there is nothing that can stop us! We will finish preparations tonight and begin domination tomorrow!
(CHEERS amongst the BAGPEOPLE, WHEEZIS & HUFFHEAD, RICKY FITTS, TOBY, WHITEY-G & NELLY.)
Sunnydale Insane Asylum
Sunnydale, California
July 16th, 2002 - Afternoon
RICK: We are not insane!
DOCTOR: Yeah, right. First, you are giving everyone the fingers, then your hippie friend is dancing in circles in the road and the guy in the glasses is flirting with a corpse!
NEIL: Yeah, but that was for a reason!
MIKE: This is very very bad!
RICK: Let me out! I'm too young to die! I'll get raped!
MIKE: Rick, you're in an asylum, not prison.
RICK: Where's Vyvyan?
NEIL: Remember Rick? He left with those two guys.
RICK: Well he better bloody well get back here! Or there's going to be trouble!
ALEXEI SAYLE (Dressed as Mussolini): Sorry boys! But I am here! We got to dance like the way in 1945, il duce style!
RICK, MIKE, NEIL: AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Outside The Bronze
Sunnydale, California
July 16th, 2002 - Evening
(The RV pulls up and PETE, JON, STEEV, JOSH, SKILLET, BONES, ERIC, MINDY, and MADMATT begin to unload equipment.)
JON: How did we get this gig again?
PETE: STEEV won that contest from Century Media. All expenses paid trip to open for Marduk.
--(Flashback to Location of the Bagpeople)-
(PETE is sitting in his chair in the apartment he shares with STEEV. By the way, who in the xeroxed hell is PETE & STEEV?)
STEEV (entering the apartment): Hey dude.
PETE: Whatsup?
STEEV: You are not going to believe this. I got us an all expense paid trip to see Marduk in California! Free entrance, expenses paid, all that! And, Isolated Fields and Arkcoven will be opening up!
PETE: Really? That's awesome!
STEEV: Yeah, it's in July.
PETE: Well I better get the time off. I'll go call JON and tell him. By the way, what's the catch?
STEEV: We have to go in an RV.
PETE: Fair enough. We should take all the people we can.
STEEV: There is something else...
PETE: What?
STEEV: Descension will be there, too.
PETE: Shit.
STEEV: It's cool though. We get to hang with Marduk!
PETE: Fuck yeah!
STEEV: I am gonna go smoke...
PETE: Cool. Oh, where in California is the show?
STEEV: Sunnydale.
PETE: What?
--(End Flashback Sequence)--
JON (sarcastic): Great, opening for Marduk. Just what I always wanted to do.
PETE: It could be worse.
JON: How?
PETE: We could be opening for Satyricon.
JON: Fine.
STEEV: Hey, I like Satyricon.
SKILLET: They suck. Rebel Extravaganza? Come on...
SATYR (suddenly appearing): Hey, give me a break guys. I heard the new Kovenant and...
STEEV: SHUT UP!! BOW TO NAGASH!!!!!!! LEX ICON RULES!! (STEEV whips out his sword and chops SATYR to bits.)
PETE: Nobody beats Steev when it comes to Nagash.
STEVEN SEAGAL (suddenly appearing): And nobody beats me in the kitchen.
STEEV: SHUT UP! SAVE THE RAINFOREST, YOU BASTARD! (STEEV chops STEVEN SEAGAL to bits.)
JON: Uh...yeah.
ERIC: First the World Trade Center, now this.
PROMOTER: Hey guys. You Isolated Fields?
ERIC: Yeah, I am the manager.
PROMOTER: Great. Move your stuff inside and we'll get this show started.
ERIC: Thanks.
(Everyone moves into the Bronze as STEEV puts his sword away. He sees NAGASH aka LEX ICON giving him the thumbs up a la the "Buddy Christ" from Dogma. STEEV returns the thumbs up.)
The Bronze
Sunnydale, California
July 16th, 2002 - Late Evening
(A van that says OVICTION pulls up and DR. KILLU, REV. STEEVIL, SPG, and CRAZY LARRY get out.)
DR. KILLU: Wow, this is a lot better than any place we have played before.
SPG: We usually do basements.
DR. KILLU: Okay, let's load in. (To REV. STEEVIL and CRAZY LARRY) And hopefully keep the screaming and chocolate sauce to a minimum until we play?
REV. STEEVIL: Ahhhh!!!!
CRAZY LARRY: Woahoahoahaoahaoaoah!!
DR. KILLU: Oh boy.
PROMOTER: You guys Oviction?
DR. KILLU: Yeah, that's us.
PROMOTER: Great, you're right on time. You can load your stuff over there (points inside).
DR. KILLU: Thanks.
REV. STEEVIL: Ahhhh!!!!
PROMOTER: Why does that guy keep yelling? And how does he expect to play with no arms?
DR. KILLU: He is the General of KFC now.
SPG: Not to mention he grows arms for the show some how.
PROMOTER: Really?
SPG: Yeah. And I turn into a human.
PROMOTER: You guys are fucking insane.
DR. KILLU: Sweet! A Compliment!!!!!!! (They all enter the Bronze with their equipment.)
The Bronze
Sunnydale, California
July 16th, 2002 - Late Evening
[BUFFY, DAWN & XANDER enter the Bronze and head to a table. Most of the crowd is moving up to the stage as the first band is taking the stage. Amongst the crowd are such notable people as (the honorable) JUDGE REINHOLD, DR. HEIDEGGER KILLU, REV. HORTON STEEVIL, SPG, CRAZY LARRY, KEVIN NASH, SCOTT HALL, X-PAC, NEIL, MIKE, VYVYAN, ALEXEI SAYLE dressed as JERSEY BALOWSKI, MEMBERS OF HYPOCRISY, SLAYER, MOTORHEAD, MARDUK, SAYTRICON, ACHERON & DARKTHRONE, ROB DARKEN, EL LUCADOR, WANG CHI, EDDIE, THUNDER, JACK BURTON, ANDREW W.K., THE HEADS OF STEVEN SEAGAL AND SATYR, SPIKE, ANGEL (still in the box), and ANYONE ELSE WHO APPEARED IN A CAMEO ROLE IN THIS FILM are all in the audience. The whole show is being MC'ed by JOHN CLEESE in his trademark tuxedo. The band taking the stage behind him is DESCENSION (TODD - vocals, BRIAN - drums, SKIPPY - bass, TREETRUNK - guitar, JUGGALOBOY - guitar and COCKBOY - guitar with dildo.)]
JOHN CLEESE: Ladies and Gentlemen...Descension! (JOHN CLEESE walks off the stage as there is little reaction from the crowd.)
TODD (to crowd): We are Descension from Kansas City! And we will punk rock you to death! (HERA enters the stage with NUNSLUT. HERA is mostly naked and throws NUNSLUT to the stage floor. NUNSLUT is dressed as a nun. HERA then begins dancing.)
CROWD: Boo! You suck! Get off the stage!!
(DESCENSION then kicks into its punk rock version of "Skin of Rebirth". As the band plays, the crowd does nothing but mock, laugh and point, at this horrible band on stage.)
DR. KILLU: God damn, they're worse than us.
SPG: That's not possible. But somehow it is.
TODD: Hey! We love everyone...I mean...we hate you! Descension is evil!! But we love punk!
[THE DEATH SQUAD (CAPTAIN RETARDO, CARGOMAN, THE CHOSEN ONE, AND VYVYAN) gets on the stage.]
VYVYAN: Piss off poofie! We want real music! Not some Iron Maiden gothic gayness!
TODD: But we...
CAPTAIN RETARDO: Wrong answer. [CARGOMAN whips out his "gat foo." (an inflatable hammer)].
TODD: Oh come on. That won't... (CARGOMAN hits TODD with the hammer, killing TODD instantly. There are rampant cheers everywhere.)
SHELIA: No!! Todd!! (SHELIA comes running to help Todd but CAPTAIN RETARDO trips her, and she falls, impaling her on one of BRIAN's drum cymbal stands. SHELIA is dead. HERA and NUNSLUT begin to run off but are captured by CAPTAIN RETARDO and CARGOMAN.)
CAPTAIN RETARDO and CARGOMAN: Sex slaves!!
BRIAN (Charging): You can't do that! I am gonna... (VYVYAN smacks BRIAN in the face with his cricket bat. This causes BRIAN to have another stroke and die. CARGOMAN kicks BRIAN in the face to be sure he's dead.)
SKIPPY: Um...hey. I love satan now! Am I cool now? (THE CHOSEN ONE begins beating SKIPPY when PETE stops him for a second.)
PETE: Hang on, he still owes me a hundred bucks. (PETE searches SKIPPY's pockets and finds his money.) Thanks. (to THE CHOSEN ONE) Feel free to continue.
(The CHOSEN ONE continues his death beating on SKIPPY and throws his body parts into the crowd. TREETRUNK, JUGGALOBOY and COCKBOY step forward but they are beaten to death by the THE DEATH SQUAD. JUGGALOBOY has his guitar shoved up his ass, COCKBOY has his dildo shoved down his throat and TREETRUNK is just plain beaten to death for being stupid.)
VYVYAN: Now that's what I call, entertainment! Let's get a real band up here.
(CAPTAIN RETARDO and CARGOMAN exit with their new sex slaves. Meanwhile, on the other side of the Bronze...)
XANDER: This is different.
BUFFY: But highly entertaining.
BONES: Hey Dawn.
DAWN: Mark! Hey! You wanna...dance?
BONES: Sure, there is nothing like romantic dancing to the sweet sounds of...
JOHN CLEESE (on stage): Ladies and gentlemen! OVICTION!
BONES: ...yeah
[OVICTION takes the stage. They are the dumbest band ever with DR. HEIDEGGER KILLU (vocals & guitar), REV. HORTON STEEVIL (bass), CRAZY LARRY (keyboards) and SPECIAL PATROL GROUP (drums). They punish the audience sonically for 45 minutes with their brand sick humor and crappy playing...but hey, they entertain the audience much better than Descension did.]
DR. KILLU: Thank you, Sunnydale!
REV. STEEVIL (still dancing): Ahhhhhhh!!!
BURT WALKER, TEXAS SPANKER (from behind OVICTION): HELLO MEN!!
BOB LONG, VIBRATOR SALES MAN: ORRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!
DR. KILLU: Come on guys!! (OVICTION gathers their stuff and run after BURT & BOB.)
BUFFY: That was different.
XANDER: Usually we have just weenie bands playing. Nice to hear something different for a change.
JOHN CLEESE (On stage): Okay, Isolated Fields is up next...we'll take a short break before they come up so they can set up. (Crowd cheers wildly. JOHN CLEESE leaves the stage to get back with Isolated Fields.)
JON (walking up to PETE with his guitar): You ready for this?
PETE (with guitar): It's been a while, but yeah I am ready.
JON: Kick ass, man.
[About fifteen minutes later, ISOLATED FIELDS takes the stage. A combination of In Flames, Hypocrisy, Killswitch Engage, and Dark Tranquility. It's JON (vocals & guitar), STEEV (vocals & bass), PETE (guitar), JOSH (keyboards), MINDY (violin & female vocals), and MADMATT (drums). They dazzle and baffle the audience with sonic darkness, and yet moments of tranquil beauty. They play for an hour. The crowd goes insane for ISOLATED FIELDS.]
STEEV: Thank you for your support.
JON: Yes, very much appreciated. We have CDs in the back for sale.
(ISOLATED FIELDS moves to remove their equipment for MARDUK to take the stage. XANDER is sitting at the bar, watching a TV.)
TV: ...with the news, I am Abaschumbee Buttnugget. Our top story...be on the lookout for this man, Mike Hunt. He is a dangerous psychopath who escaped from Fort Leavenworth prison earlier this year. He is believed to be at large in the Sunnydale area. He is armed and extremely dangerous.
(Meanwhile, DAWN and BONES are talking and laughing. PETE walks up to BUFFY after moving his equipment back the RV.)
BUFFY: You guys were great.
PETE: Thanks. It's been a while since I have been on stage, but that was fun.
XANDER (running up to BUFFY & PETE): Buffy! I just heard on the TV. Some psychopath named Mike Hunt is in Sunnydale!
BUFFY: Holy shit, Mike Hunt is...
PETE (interrupting): I don't think so. Xander, I think we should be able to handle it. If not, that new Death Squad will handle it.
XANDER: All right. I just thought I would warn you guys. (XANDER walks off.)
BUFFY: I want to watch a bit of the headline act, then can we go back to my place?
PETE: You got it.
(The stage is set up for MARDUK. The lights go out and the crowd goes bananas.)
JOHN CLEESE: Ladies and gentlemen...from the very pits of hell - MARDUK!!!
JON: Oh come on. It's only Marduk.
[A haunting melody is coming over the sound system, that of "March of the Valkyries". The band begins to take stage with LEGION (vocals), MORGAN (guitar), B. WAR (bass) and EMIL (the new drummer). The music suddenly stops and Legion takes the microphone.]
LEGION: PANZER DIVISION MARDUK!!!!!!! [The band then kicks into its trademark speeding insanity as JON rolls his eyes, then suddenly he turns in to a pigpire, going berserk, and trying to suck everyone's snot.)
(Suddenly, everything pauses. Scene cuts to TEN CHILDREN and a TEACHER in a classroom. The TEACHER is CHARLES MANSON in a suit.)
CHILD #1: Teacher, what's a pigpire?
CHARLES MANSON: As a leading expert on the subject, I will inform you of what a pigpire is...RIGHT AFTER I STAB THIS CRUCIFIX THROUGH YOUR FACE!
(The CHILDREN scream.)
CHARLES MANSON: Sorry, old habit. Anyways, a pigpire has a human body and a pig for a face. It sucks the snot out of people's noses to make it younger and stay alive. It likes to wave at people and usually has a smile on its face with its eyes closed. Jon appears to have a shirt with a pigpire face on it. My research has pointed out that Tom Cruise is a pigpire and his real name is Charles L. Plank. Mr. Plank was a priest until he was cursed with the pigpire syndrome. You will note his pigishness in the movie "Interview with a Vampire". Mr. Plank is very ugly in real life, but when he sucks snot, he looks like Tom Cruise. And so now you know...AND I AM GOING TO MURDER YOU ALL!!
(The CHILDREN scream again)
CHARLES MANSON: Oh wait. Sorry. Well you now know what a pigpire is.
CHILD #1: Why did Jon suddenly turn into one?
CHARLES MANSON: Pigpires are known to suddenly go berserk. But I believe it's only a metaphor in this movie. If Jon really was a pigpire, he would not be in the story. Also, pigpires are identified by the sound they make. The sound is "wheeeeeeeeee," similar to the sound of ten billion fingernails on a chalkboard.
CHILD #2: Is it true that Steev looks like Tom Cruise?
STEEV (running in): NO!!! (STEEV pulls out a gun and shoots CHILD #2. The rest of the CHILDREN begin screaming.) I DO NOT LOOK LIKE TOM CRUISE!!
CAMRINI: Hell yes.
(A Man that looks like Tom Cruise as his character Lestat in the movie "Interview with the Vampire" enters).
THE PIGPIRE: But I do!!! (THE PIGPIRE then attacks a bunch of the children as they go running.) Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!
(Suddenly, classical music beings playing in the background.)
CHARLES MANSON (singing): I AM GOD! I'M GONNA KILL YOU ALL! WITH A GIANT CRUCIFIX! I'LL STAB IT IN YOUR HEART! YOU WILL DIE! YOU'RE ALL GONNA DIE WHEN YOU'RE BURNING IN HELL!!!!! (He then abducts CHILD #1.)
(Cut to a shot of Hypocrisy playing "Pleasure of Molestation". JOHN CLEESE walks in front of the band. They stop playing. CHARLES MANSON stops walking. The PIGPIRE stops attacking people. JOHN CLEESE just shakes his head and raises a bell.)
JOHN CLEESE (singing): Good night, a ding ding ding. (No one does anyting.) (still singing) A good night a ding ding ding. (Puts bell down.) Nevermind then. (To audience) We got a bit off track here again. Let's rejoin the insanity at the Bronze.
(Cut back to The Bronze where everything was frozen when first interrupted. Everything then unfreezes and goes back into its blasting insanity.)
Parts of Descension's body parts and their equipment is getting thrown around in the audience. Everyone is having the best time of their lives. About twenty minutes into the set, PETE & BUFFY sneak out.]
Outside the Bronze
Sunnydale, California
July 16th, 2002 - Night
("Glory of Love" by Peter Cetera is playing in the background. PETE & BUFFY are walking hand in hand towards BUFFY's house. BUFFY notices PETE's t-shirt.)
BUFFY: Nuke the towelheads?
PETE: Gotta nuke somethin'.
BUFFY: Touche. So who are you really?
PETE: Just a regular metal head guy I suppose. Completely infatuated with you.
BUFFY: I haven't had this kind of attention in a long time.
PETE: I hope you like it.
BUFFY: I do. (She leans in to kiss PETE. They kiss and this leads to...)
1630 Revello Drive
Sunnydale, California
July 16th, 2002 - Night
(PETE & BUFFY are in BUFFY's bead. They obviously just had sex. "Glory of Love" by Peter Cetera Gay is still playing in the background.)
PETE: Holy shit! That was awesome!
BUFFY: I had fun, too.
PETE: Slayer stamina certainly comes in handy.
BUFFY: That's true.
(There is a knock at the door.)
PETE: I'll get it. (PETE puts his pants on.)
BUFFY: If it's Dawn, tell her to come back in the morning.
(PETE opens the door halfway. It's FRANKIE MUNIZ from Malcolm In The Middle.)
FRANKIE MUNIZ: Hey guys. I'm Frankie Muniz.
PETE: Get the fuck out of here. (PETE slams the door in FRANKIE MUNIZ's face and returns to bed.)
BUFFY: Who was it?
PETE: You wouldn't believe me if I told you. (They go back to having sex again. "Glory of Love" is still playing in the background. They have an overly descriptive sex scene with the ENTIRE song. YES, THE ENTIRE SONG. FEEL THE PAIN!!!)
Westgate Cemetery
Sunnydale, California
July 17th, 2002 - Early Morning...we're talking around 3:00am here
(A man runs into the cemetery. He has a shovel and a bag. He begins digging into a grave and pushing away the dirt. He opens the coffin and begins removing the parts of a long rotted body. He puts the parts in a bag, closes the coffin and begins to re-shovel the dirt back on the grave. When he is done, he runs off with his bag and shovel. He does not notice that the DEATH SQUAD is watching on.)
CAPTAIN RETARDO: What was the point of that?
CARGOMAN: I heard somewhere that random grave robbings are inserted into films for no reason other than comedic effect. I guess there's always room for grave robbing.
VYVYAN: That's where I get my legs.
THE CHOSEN ONE (bad dubbed as usual): But we are all born with legs.
VYVYAN: No, I am studying to be a doctor.
CAPTAIN RETARDO: What for?
VYVYAN: I figure that if I know more about the human anatomy, that when I beat people to death, I will know what's going on!
CARGOMAN: Sounds like fun to me.
CAPTAIN RETARDO: I think we need to find that one place.
CARGOMAN: What place?
CAPTAIN RETARDO: You know, that one place.
THE CHOSEN ONE: Chotsky's?
CAPTAIN RETARDO: Yeah! By the way, how do you do that thing with your mouth? You speak, but your lips say something else...
CHEESE GUY (appearing next to THE CHOSEN ONE while wearing two slices of cheese on his head): I wear the cheese, it does not wear me.
VYVYAN: WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT UP!!!
CARGOMAN: I thought CAMRINI shot him.
CAPTAIN RETARDO: No, that was the cheese guy. Camrimi shot the pen throwing guy. The cheese guy shakes cheese at people with dumb quotes. I think he's cool.
(The DEATH SQUAD leaves the cemetery.)
CAMRINI: I'm starting to hate that cheese guy.
1630 Revello Drive
Sunnydale, California
July 17th, 2002 - Morning
(BUFFY's room. PETE and BUFFY have their arms wrapped around one another. There is a knock at the door.)
BUFFY: What?
DAWN: Buffy, are you okay?
BUFFY: Yeah, hang on. (BUFFY and PETE get up and dress. They open the door with DAWN standing there with a smile on her face.)
DAWN: Have fun?
PETE: Yep. You?
DAWN: Oh yeah. (DAWN is wearing one of BONES' shirts.)
BUFFY: Dawn, where did you get that?
BONES: From me.
BUFFY: Oh my god!
DAWN: I am not a little girl anymore, Buffy.
BUFFY: I know! I am so happy for you! (BUFFY and DAWN hug. They then notice PETER of HYPOCRISY walking up stairs. He is followed by MICHAEL & LARS - also of HYPOCRISY.)
CAMRINI: Holy shit, it's that crazy breakfast guy from the first movie! And didn't you die?
PETER (to CAMRINI): I am fine now. (Turns to everyone else) Hey guys. I found this dumbass hanging around (brings out the battered corpse of FRANKIE MUNIZ.) I beat the shit out of him so you could be left alone.
PETE: I thought you guys were just doing cameo shots playing.
LARS: Dude, you think we'd let that little bastard get away with interrupting you while you have sex your dream woman? Hell no. We saw you at our show in St. Louis. Call this a thank you.
PETE: Well thank you very much, gentlemen. Did I mention you guys kicked ass?
MICHAEL: Thanks, man.
BUFFY: And might I add, thank you very much?
PETER: No problem, my lady.
JOHN CLEESE (suddenly appearing & to camera, audience): Ladies and Gentlemen, Hypocrisy!
(The crowd goes insane as well as the production crew. STEEV, ERIC, SKILLET, BONES & JON run by, giving all the members of Hypocrisy a high-five. They bow and leave with JOHN CLEESE.)
PETE (to BUFFY, BONES & DAWN): So, breakfast?
Underground Location
Somewhere below Sunnydale, California
July 17th, 2002 - Morning
(Once again, all the "bad guys" are gathering their materials and preparing for the invasion. BAGNETO, The BAGPEOPLE, WHEEZIS & HUFFHEAD, RICKY FITTS, TOBY, WHITEY-G, & NELLY are all about ready.)
BAGNETO: The time draws near. Prepare yourselves! And witness the end of...uh...well the end!
RICKY FITTS: MOVE OUT!! (As all the bad guys move to their new location where they will begin the assault while suddenly NELLY and WHITEY-G begin to rap about stupid crap in front of a turntable.)
1630 Revello Drive
Sunnydale, California
July 17th, 2002 - Morning
PETE (hanging up the phone): Okay, everyone is gonna meet up here, do weapon inventory, and take it from there.
BUFFY: We know something is coming with all this weirdness. I'll get Dawn and Xander to help with some research.
(There is a knock on the door and BUFFY goes to answer it. It's FRAN.)
FRAN: Guys! I have something important to tell you!
PETE: Hey, didn't you get kicked off the set?
FRAN: This is really important! That Mike Hunt guy! I know who he is!
BUFFY: Go away! (BUFFY slams the door in FRAN's face.)
FRAN: Damn! I'll have to go about this a different way. (FRAN runs off.)
(Cut back to the inside of BUFFY's house.)
BUFFY (opening a book): Okay, lets get started.
PETE (opening another book): Got it.
Near the Westgate Cemetery, Underground
Sunnydale, California
July 17th, 2002 - Noon
BAGNETO: Soon, very soon, it will all be ours.
RICKY FITTS: The bagpeople are restless.
BAGNETO: Of course they are. You turned all the vampires into bagpeople. They can't take the bags off their heads, and therefore, they can't feed.
RICKY FITTS: I thought that might be a problem.
TOBY: Hey, who cares! I will have my vengeance!
BAGNETO: We all will!
NELLY: 'ey! How many of dem bags we got?
WHITEY-G: Yeah, whatup?
BAGNETO: About 50, enough to destroy the slayer and her friends.
MIKE HUNT: When does the invasion begin?
BAGNETO: Around evening, and then we move above ground and begin the assault at the cemetery.
1630 Revello Drive
Sunnydale, California
July 17th, 2002 - Afternoon
(The rest of the group has arrived. Everyone is in the living room.)
DAWN: ...okay, as we all know about the weird stuff going on, some more research on the internet says there has been sightings underground of a group of people with bags on their heads moving towards the cemetery.
JON: On the internet?
DAWN: You can find anything on the internet.
BUFFY (aggravated): That's so...typical. Which cemetery?
DAWN: Westgate it looks like.
XANDER: They have some other people with them. I've heard that there is a gangster with them, as well as a bagperson with a purple helmet, a guy with a video camera, and a little kid.
BUFFY: What about Mike Hunt?
(Some laughs from everyone.)
PETE: Uh...
BUFFY: Never mind.
DAWN: I think that Mike Hunt is involved somehow. (More laughter from everyone.) Aww come on! It's his name!
PETE: Okay okay. So we take these guys out.
BUFFY: Can you guys fight?
(PETE, JON, STEEV, and SKILLET pull out swords. JOSH pulls out a tazer. MINDY pulls out a dagger. MADMATT pulls out a hammer. ERIC pulls out a shotgun. BONES pulls out a medium cheese pizza. Everyone looks at him.)
BONES: You know, when I get hungry.
JON: Right.
BUFFY: Okay, so we got to the cemetery and wait until night?
DAWN: That's right. They're more likely to strike then.
XANDER: Load 'em up!
(Everyone heads for the RV outside. Weapons are all piled in and the gang heads towards Westgate Cemetery for the final showdown.)
Westgate Cemetery
Sunnydale, California
July 17th, 2002 - Late Afternoon
VYVYAN: What are we doing here?
THE CHOSEN ONE (still dubbed): My instincts tell me we need to be here.
CAPTAIN RETARDO: Hey, show us that tongue thing again.
(THE CHOSEN ONE shows off his tongue and it yells.)
CARGOMAN: That's awesome!
VYVYAN: Hey look. There's a big van coming this way.
THE CHOSEN ONE: It's an RV.
CAPTAIN RETARDO: Who's in it?
(The RV pulls up. BUFFY, DAWN, XANDER, PETE, JON, JOSH, STEEV, SKILLET, BONES, ERIC, MINDY, and MADMATT.)
RV GROUP: Hey.
THE DEATH SQUAD: Hey.
BUFFY: You guys waiting for Bagneto and his group?
CAPTAIN RETARDO: What's a Bagneto?
BAGNETO (coming from underground): I AM BAGNETO! (BAGNETO, about 50 BAGPEOPLE, TOBY, WHITEY-G, MIKE HUNT, WHEEZIS & HUFFHEAD, NELLY, and RICKY FITTS all appear.)
CARGOMAN: That's interesting.
("Quintessence" by Darkthrone begins playing in background. BAGNETO begins to survey the group. They all just look back at him.)
BAGNETO: Put them in on the dark throne.
BUFFY: What?
PETE: Darkthrone?
STEEV, PETE: EXCELLENT!! (both do Air guitars a la 'Bill & Ted' complete with the same sound chord that appeared in that movie.)
BAGNETO: Execute them!
STEEV, PETE: Bogus!
RICKY FITTS (Stepping up): Now you will know the truth! The Bagpeople are back for revenge against you, Captain Retardo!
CAPTAIN RETARDO: What did I do?
NELLY: Remember me? You stole my money and killed me!!
--(Flashback to Location of the Bagpeople)-
NELLY: Good, now get outta here!! Or I cap yo ass!!!
CARGOMAN: Cap this! (Pulls out an inflatable hammer)
CAPTAIN RETARDO: Uhh....
NELLY: What the fuck is that?
CARGOMAN: My gat foo....
(NELLY starts laughing and grabs at the hammer. When he touches the hammer, the hammer shoots him in the chest killing him. EL LUCADOR comes running down the walkway.)
EL LUCADOR: Oh my god, you killed him!!!!
CAPTAIN RETARDO: Eh...he'll die again later.
--(End Flashback Sequence)-
CARGOMAN: Hey, I was the one that killed you!
NELLY: Yeah, but he was with ya! Die, muthafucka!
TOBY: Wait! He's mine!
CARGOMAN: Who's he?
BOY: You don't remember me?
--(Flashback Sequence to Location of the Bagpeople)--
(CAPTAIN RETARDO and CARGOMAN walk past a priest that is sexually abusing an altar boy.)
BOY: Captain Retardo, I need your help!!!
CAPTAIN RETARDO: I'm hearing...
--(Flashback Sequence suddenly interrupted)--
CAPTAIN RETARDO: We already did that flashback.
CARGOMAN: I remember him!
TOBY: Now you will die!
(TOBY runs up to CAPTAIN RETARDO, but is hit on the head by CARGOMAN's inflatable hammer. He falls over.)
CARGOMAN: My gat, foo!!
CAPTAIN RETARDO: And look what we brought you! (The child-molesting priest from Location of the Bagpeople shows up and begins to rape TOBY repeatedly until he dies.)
ERIC: That's just wrong.
NELLY: I won't be so easy, foo! Gimme yo lives! (NELLY aims a gun at CAPTAIN RETARDO and CARGOMAN.)
WHITEY-G: Yeah, we be getting' payback, bitch! (WHITEY-G also aims a gun at CAPTAIN RETARDO and CARGOMAN.)
CARGOMAN: Holy shit, it's the kid we put in the escalator!
CAPTAIN RETARDO: This is hilarious!!
VYVYAN: I think I will handle this. (VYVYAN then beats NELLY to death with his cricket bat. CAPTAIN RETARDO and CARGOMAN grab WHITEY-G's wheelchair and roll him down a hill. He is hit by a bus and explodes.)
BAGNETO: Enough of this! Attack!!
(BAGPEOPLE begin attacking the RV GROUP and the DEATH SQUAD. "Total War" by Acheron begins playing in background.)
(A BAGPERSON sneaks up on MADMATT and knocks his hammer out of his hand.)
MADMATT: Hey!! (The BAGPERSON goes to bite MADMATT when suddenly, TRISH STRATUS appears behind the BAGPERSON.)
TRISH STRATUS: Hands off my man!!
MADMATT: Really?
TRISH STRATUS: Yes, really. (She then proceeds to kick the crap out of the BAGPERSON, giving him the stratusphere and her version of the bulldog, breaking the BAGPERSON's neck and then she stakes him. He dies.)
MADMATT: I love you.
TRISH STRATUS: I love you, Matt. Stratusfy me? (MADMATT picks up TRISH and they run off. WHEEZIS & HUFFHEAD are just starring at TRISH's boobs, doing nothing as she runs off with MADMATT. THE CHOSEN ONE walks next to them.)
THE CHOSEN ONE (as always, bad Japanese dubbing): Greetings, little ones.
WHEEZIS: He said "little one", heehmemeehemmehehem
HUFFHEAD: Yeah, huh huh. I bet he has a little one. Huh huh huh.
THE CHOSEN ONE: Actually, I beat on wood a lot.
WHEEZIS & HUFFHEAD: huhuh huhuh uhuhhuhuh eheemememehueheemmmheh.
THE CHOSEN ONE: Then I stroke my hands around, like this. (THE CHOSEN ONE moves his arms around wildly, completely insane close ups and zoom outs...)
WHEEZIS & HUFFHEAD: huhehehehehehhehe mmehehehehe, huhuhuhuhuhuuhuhuh
THE CHOSEN ONE: And then, I use my weapons of death. (Fists fly forward, hitting WHEEZIS & HUFFHEAD in the face. They both explode. THE CHOSEN ONE remains in his position, still yelling in some language. Meanwhile, THE RV GROUP and the rest of the DEATH SQUAD are beating down on the BAGPEOPLE.)
(Meanwhile, the battle between the RV GROUP and The BAGPEOPLE continues. Suddenly...)
VOICE: Stop!!
(RV GROUP, DEATH SQUAD, BAGNETO, MIKE HUNT, RICKY FITTS & the remaining BAGPEOPLE turn to the voice. Its CALLIE, BO and JIM-BOB from Location of the Bagpeople I.)
PETE: Callie?
STEEV: Bo?
CALLIE: Sorry to show up like this. We are here to end this insanity.
BO: Yes. The time has come, Bagneto.
BAGNETO: Never!
MIKE HUNT: It's too late! Our victory is at hand!
JIM-BOB: I think not, Tom.
MIKE HUNT: What?
JIM-BOB: Yes, I know who you are, Tom. Also known as, Jim, Lorkus and Mike Hunt. Its, me...FRAN! (FRAN removes his JIM-BOB mask. There is a collective gasp from everyone.)
FRAN: Yes! And finally, you get yours! (FRAN pulls out a twelve gauge shot gun and shoots MIKE HUNT in the face, killing him. BAGNETO then flies overhead of the RV GROUP.)
CAMRINI: Nice shooting.
BAGNETO: Give up! You can't stop us!
RICKY FITTS (running up): None of you will survive this night!
FRAN: Wrong!! (FRAN holds up a small glowing ball) This is my final act. Take this you bastards! (He throws the small glowing ball at the remaining BAGPEOPLE, BAGNETO, & RICKY FITTS. The glowing ball explodes into brilliant light, revealing a large man in an overcoat. He has some sort of mechanical device over his right eye.)
BAGNETO: ...what the hell?
CATS: HOW ARE YOU GENTLEMEN?
BAGNETO: Huh? What is this?
RICKY FITTS: Holy shit! It's CATS from Zero Wing! We're screwed!!
CATS: ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO US.
BAGNETO: He's got control of all of our bases! We're doomed!
RICKY FITTS: But we don't have any bases...
CATS: YOU ARE ON THE WAY TO DESTRUCTION.
BAGNETO: RETREAT!
RICKY: We can't escape!!!!
CATS: YOU HAVE NOT CHANCE TO SURVIVE MAKE YOUR TIME.
(A large explosion and the rest of the BAGPEOPLE, BAGNETO, and RICKY FITTS are instantly consumed and destroyed, eliminating any existence that they were ever there. FRAN has also disappeared.)
CATS: HA HA HA HA! (CATS then disappears.)
PETE: For great justice!
BUFFY: What?
PETE: Um...chicken butt?
CAPTAIN RETARDO: That's my line!
(The CHEESE GUY appears next to PETE, shaking two slices of cheese at PETE.)
PETE: What the hell?
CAMRINI: I hate that guy!
(Suddenly, Roberto Benigni runs up to everyone, flapping his arms wildly.)
ROBERTO (Italian accent): Hello, hello hello!!! (He is trying to kiss CAPTAIN RETARDO and CARGOMAN.)
BUFFY: Can we go home now?
PETE: Yeah.
(Everyone begins running out to get back on the RV while ROBERTO is chasing them, hopping around madly in one of the stranges running dances ever.)
ROBERTO: Wait, come back! I want to make love to you all!
CAMRINI: Fuck that!
Sunnydale Police Station - Court House
Sunnydale, California
July 18, 2002 - Morning
[DR. KILLU (posing as a lawyer) is making a case to the Judge (the honorable JUDGE REINHOLD) to convict BURT WALKER, TEXAS SPANKER and BOB LONG, VIBRATOR SALESMAN. REV. HORTON STEEVIL, SPG, CRAZY LARRY, KEVIN NASH, SCOTT HALL, X-PAC, NEIL, MIKE, VYVYAN, ALEXEI SAYLE dressed as HARRY THE BASTARD, MEMBERS OF HYPOCRISY, SLAYER, MOTORHEAD, MARDUK, SAYTRICON, ACHERON & DARKTHRONE, ROB DARKEN, EL LUCADOR, WANG CHI, EDDIE, THUNDER, JACK BURTON, ANDREW W.K., THE HEADS OF STEVEN SEAGAL AND SATYR, SPIKE, ANGEL (still in the box), ROBERTO BENIGNI (standing on a chair, doing backflips) and ANYONE ELSE WHO APPEARED IN A CAMEO ROLE IN THIS FILM are all in the audience.]
RICK (whispering): How did we get out of the asylum again?
MIKE (whispering): Told you I used to be a cat burglar.
NEIL (whispering): Guys, we should be listening. Very heavy stuff going on...
DR. KILLU: ...and that's our case.
BURT WALKER: Eh eh eh! I object!
BOB LONG: ORRRRR!! How'd you like to buy a vibrator??
JUDGE REINHOLD: SILENCE! I'm going to allow it. Burt Walker and Bob Long, stand up! (They get up). I find you guilty on all charges. Especially the charge of being the gayest people ever and giving even gay people a bad name!! I will not allow that! I sentence you to death! (Hits his gavel on the desk.)
GABBY JOHNSON, THE OLD MAN WHO SPEAKS AUTHENTIC FRONTIER JIBBERISH: Reverend!
BURT WALKER: Eh eh eh! We'll appeal. There's not prison that can keep us!
BOB LONG: ORRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!
JUDGE REINHOLD: Wrong! Your sentence is this. Ten minutes in a prison cell with...PENIS THE PENGUIN!! (JUDGE REINHOLD to DR. KILLU) Release the evil!
BURT WALKER and BOB LONG: NOOO!!!! (Suddenly, something grabs them and the most insane sounds of gay sex are heard. As this is happening, CAMRINI is trying to get a close up of the action, but MICHAEL MOORE stands up in front of him).
MICHAEL MOORE: Hello. I am going to tell you all about America and how I am right and everyone else is wrong. I will film a documentary...
CAMRINI (to MICHAEL MOORE): Move! I'm trying to get a picture of this!!
MICHAEL MOORE: No. I will not. For I... (CAMRINI shoots MICHAEL MOORE)
CAMRINI: Gun violence kicks ass. And Bowling For Columbine was a pile of shit, you fuck!! (CAMRINI now notices the action is over and BURT & BOB are gone.) DAMNIT!!
JUDGE REINHOLD: Nothing like fighting fire with fire. Justice the way it was meant to be. Court's adjourned! (He hits his gavel on the desk and gets up to leave. Everyone begins to file out of the courthouse.)
DR. KILLU (to SPG, REV. STEEVIL, CRAZY LARRY): Come on guys, I am sure they will be back someday. We have shows to play and people to protect!
REV. STEEVIL: Ahhhhh!!!
CRAZY LARRY: Woahoahoaho... (CRAZY LARRY stops as he sees the CHEESE GUY walking up to him. They look at each other for a minute. Then high five each other.)
SPG: Oi, this is completely fucked up!
(NEIL, MIKE & RICK walk up to OVICTION.)
RICK: Hey, aren't you Vyvyan's hamster?
SPG: Back in the day, maybe.
RICK: I thought you were dead! You're coming with us!!
SPG: Is that so, laddy? (RICK moves to grab SPG but is smacked in the face with chocolate syrup from CRAZY LARRY).
RICK: Ahhh! Disfigurement! I am the elephant man!
MIKE: Shut up Rick. SPG, we'll tell Vyv you said hi. Meanwhile, at least we had a bit of an adventure without being bored for once.
NEIL: Yeah. Try not to let this whole experience bring us down...oh! Oh Wow! I just remembered something! Mike! What time is it?
MIKE: Okay Rick, here's your chance. See my watch?
RICK: Yes? (MIKE slaps him in the face.)
MIKE: That's for the virgin thing.
RICK: Bastard! Cliff Richards will hear of this!
ALEXEI SAYLE dressed as HARRY THE BASTARD: You boys still owe me 500 pounds!
MIKE: Neil? You had something to say?
NEIL: That's what I meant. We have exactly two minutes to get to the station!
RICK: Oh cock-a-doodle-doo, Neil!! What on earth for?
NEIL: We've been picked right...for an experimental train ride back to our time!!
(Jarring chord.)
RICK: To the station!
MIKE (pointing to camera): Music!
(Cut to Motorhead playing "Ace of Spades". Cut back, but the music is still playing. PETE, ERIC and JOSH are standing there.)
PETE & ERIC: (singing): The only card I need! The Ace Of Spades!! The Ace of Spades!
JOSH: AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
[Music continues as EVERYONE IN THE AUDIENCE in the Courthouse all come outside and get into a large mosh pit while NEIL, RICK & MIKE head for the train station with ALEXEI SAYLE dressed as HARRY THE BASTARD chasing them. X-PAC is then beaten to death by MASTER SHAKE for no reason other than X-PAC sucks. KEVIN NASH watches on (because he is still on crutches) and laughs.]
KEVIN NASH: I always hated that little bastard.
SCOTT HALL (exiting the mosh pit): 'ey yo. We need some alcohol.
KEVIN NASH: Is that all you think about?
SCOTT HALL: Pretty much...yep. (Suddenly, SCOTT HALL is hit by a car. A man gets out. It's ROBERT DOWNEY, JR. He is drunk and stoned.)
ROBERT DOWNEY, JR.: Hey...(hiccup)...which way to the bar? Oh...and don't tell anyone about this. I will have to go back to jail.
KEVIN NASH: Three blocks that way (pointing). I better get out of here before the author decides to kill me off. (KEVIN NASH leaves.)
GABBY JOHNSON, THE OLD MAN WHO SPEAKS AUTHENTIC FRONTIER JIBBERISH: Reverend!
1630 Revello Drive
Sunnydale, California
July 18th, 2002 - Morning
[Everyone (including CALLIE, BO and TRISH STRATUS) have piled into the RV as PETE & BUFFY are saying goodbye. JOSH and ERIC are standing near PETE.]
JOSH: Hey, how did we appear in that scene a minute ago and now here?
PETE: Nevermind. (JOSH and ERIC head to the RV, as PETE turns to BUFFY) This has been strange.
BUFFY: Best summer ever.
PETE: I hope you had some fun overall.
BUFFY: There were moments.
PETE: Thanks. Listen, we have a long drive and I know you guys are about start filming Season Seven, so we gotta leave.
BUFFY: I'll never forget you.
PETE: You can bet I'll never forget.
(They kiss once more and PETE gets into the RV. BUFFY, DAWN & XANDER wave as they leave.)
XANDER: Well, I have to get back to the site. We're about half done with the new school and it should be ready in September.
DAWN: Please, can we not talk about school?
XANDER: Sorry.
BUFFY: I heard from Giles this morning. Willow is doing fine so far.
DAWN: That's good.
XANDER: Come on, let's get some breakfast. I still have some time before I have to get back.
BUFFY: You're on!
DAWN: You got it.
(They get into XANDER's car and take off.)
THE END
SKILLET: Wait a minute. I didn't get laid. Everyone else did.
MINDY: Only Pete, Bones and Madmatt got laid.
SKILLET: Still, it would have been nice to get laid.
ERIC: I agree. It would be nice.
JON: I hate sex.
SKILLET: Shut the fuck up.
BONES: Hey, I hardly had any lines but I got to pull out the pizza. Who cares!!
CALLIE: Quit complaining. We were barely in this movie, too.
BO: Yeah really. We had to appeal to PETA to be in this.
JOSH: What was up with that band Oviction? They were weird. But I could use some sex. WHAT? NO! I AM THE SPATULA!! I UNDERSTAND EVERYTHING NOW!!
STEEV: I need sex!
KEVIN NASH: What about me? (CAPTAIN RETARDO and CARGOMAN sneak up behind KEVIN NASH, knock him over, and beat him to death with his crutches.) Damn!
CAPTAIN RETARDO: Ha ha ha!!
CARGOMAN: He said 'damn' after he died. How'd he do that?
CAMRINI: Special effects.
CARGOMAN: Oh.
PETE: Hey, what did you guys do with those two Descension chicks?
(CARGOMAN opens up the CAPTAIN RETARDO MOBILE and there are NUNSLUT and HERA, tied up and gagged. VYVYAN is trying to hit NUNSLUT in the face with a sledgehammer. THE CHOSEN ONE is slapping HERA around, making strange noises. There are some insane close ups on THE CHOSEN ONE. Also the CHEESE GUY is throwing slices of cheese at everyone.)
CAPTAIN RETARDO: I still don't get it. But screw it, let's party! We're off!
(Cut to Andrew W.K. playing "Party Hard". Cut back to scene, but music continues.)
CARGOMAN: See you guys in the sequel. (The DEATH SQUAD leaves.)
JON: What the hell is the point of that cheese guy anyways?
PETE: The subconscious attempt to project the cheese into other people's affairs?
JON: So fucking with people basically.
PETE: Basically. (Notices the "Girls Gone Wild" bus driving by and points at it.) Hey look! It's a bus full of hot naked women!! How convenient!
JON: Wait a minute, now I like sex!
SKILLET: Hell yeah!!
(ERIC, SKILLET, STEEV, JOSH, & JON jump off the RV and head to the "Girls Gone Wild" bus. FRAN is driving the bus and is giving the thumbs up to the camera. The CHEESE GUY is standing next to him with a plate of cheese for no reason other than I think its funny.)
MINDY (rolling eyes): Men. (MINDY then secretly looks around and joins everyone else on the "Girls Gone Wild" bus.)
PETE (starting up the RV): And when this baby hits 88 miles per hour...you're going to see some serious shit! (PETE hits a few buttons and the RV & the "Girls Gone Wild" bus both take off and fly down the road into obscurity with the CHEESE GUY sitting on the back of the RV, grinning. He throws one last slice of cheese, hitting CAMRINI in the face).
CAMRINI: Damn you! Damn you all to HELL!!!!
THE ACTUAL END
CAST:
Starring:
Pete Tucker as Himself/Dr. Heidegger Killu
Jon Tucker as Himself/Special Patrol Group
DC MetalSteev Gempeler as Himself/Captain Retardo/Rev. Horton Steevil
"MAD"Matt Mortensen as Himself/El Lucador
Mindy Snyder as Herself
Josh Mundy as Himself/Cargoman/Crazy Larry
Mark "Bones" as Himself
Dylan "Skillet" as Himself
Eric Coleman as Himself
Sarah Michelle Gellar as Buffy Summers
Nicholas Brendon as Xander Harris
Michelle Tractenburg as Dawn Summers
Vincent D'Onofrio as Tom Hoesbag/Jim The Enforcer/Lorkus/Mike Hunt
Steve Zahn as Fran Paisley
Wes Bentley as Ricky Fitts
and
Sir Ian McKellen as Bagneto
Special Appearances by:
Charles Manson as Himself
Tom Cruise as Charles L. Plank, The Pigpire
Woody Allen as Kamron
and
John Cleese as Himself/The Other Waiter/Second Salesman/Adolf Hitler-Hilter
Support Cast (in no particular order):
Rik Mayall as Rick
Adrian Edmondson as Vyvyan Basterd
Christopher Ryan as Mike TheCoolPerson
Nigel Planer as Neil Pye
Alexei Sayle as Harry The Bastard/Benito "Il Duce" Mussolini/Jersey Balowski
Steve Oedekerk as The Chosen One
Freddie Prinze Jr. as Himself
M. Night Shaylaman as Clerk #1 (The Towelhead)
Marc Blucas as as Clerk #2
David Spade as Wheezis (Voice by Mike Judge)
Adam Sander as Huffhead (Voice by Mike Judge)
Michael Wincott as The King
Alexis Denisof as The Squire
Vin Diesel as The Dark Figure
Phil Fondacaro as Dwarfarine/Dwarf #1
Warwick Davis as Dwarf #2
Eddie Griffin as Nelly G-Ice Funk Tru 2 Da Game
Macaulay Culkin as Toby (the Sexually Abused Altar Boy)
Marshall "Eminem" Mathers as Whitey G (Marhsall, The White Rapper Kid)
Ron Livingston as Camrini
Peter Tagtgren as Himself
Lars Szoke (Hypocrisy) as Himself
Michael Hedlund (Hypocrisy) as Himself
David Boreanaz as Angel
James Marsters as Spike
Kevin Nash as Himself
Scott Hall as Himself
Sean "X-Pac" Waltman as Himself
Trish Stratus as Herself
Frankie Muniz as Himself
Michael Moore as Himself
Andy Hallet as Penman
David Wells as The Cheese Guy
Jennifer Garner as Musicland Cashier
Torrie Wilson as The Jack-In-The-Box Cashier
Steven Seagal as Himself
Joss Whedon as Himself
Jenna Elfman as Mary Jo
Billy Bob Thornton as Jim-Bob
Tom Green as Abaschumbee Buttnugget, News Reporter
Robert Downey, Jr. as The Alcoholic Druggie
Frost (Satyricon) as The Promoter
Fenriz (Darkthrone) as Employee #1
Nocturno Culto (Darkthrone) as Employee #2
Anthony Steward Head as The Doctor
Dennis Dun as Head Waiter Wang Chi
Donald Li as Eddie Wong
Kurt Russell as Jack Burton
Carter Wong as Thunder
Judge Reinhold as The Honorable Judge Reinhold
Graham Chapman as Lambert/Von Ribbentrop
Terry Jones as The Man
Carol Cleveland as The Woman
Michael Palin as Third Salesman/Heindrich Himmler
James Bakker as The Molesting Priest
Erik Per Sullivan as The Kid on the Bike
Clint Howard as The Grave Robber
Jodie Foster as Nell
Christopher Walken as Officer #1
Harvey Kietel as Officer #2
Richard Gere as MPAA Censor
Pablo Francisco as Announcers Voice
Nobody Important as Child #1
No One Else Important as Child #2
A Bunch Of Snot Nosed Punks as The Rest Of The School (In that one scene with Charles Manson)
Todd "Year And A Half" Sheets as Himself
Brian "Strokin'" Duncan as Himself
John "Skippy" Kessler as Himself
Some Dumbass as Treetrunk
Some Other Dumbass as Cockboy
Yet Another Dumbass as Juggaloboy
Sheila Waffles as Herself
Some Whore as Nunslut
Some Other Whore as Hera
and finally
Callie Stormhunter as Herself
Bo Duckslayer as Himself
OFFICIAL SOUNDTRACK - Featuring the music (and members) of:
Acheron - Total War
Graveland - Barbarism Returns
Satyricon - The Dark Castle In The Deep Woods
Marduk - Panzer Division Marduk
Hypocrisy - Pleasure of Molestation, Time Warp
Darkthrone - Quintessence
Andrew W.K. - Party Hard
Slayer - Dead Skin Mask
Motorhead - Ace of Spades
Under The Sea - Sebastian The Crab (As sang by Angel)
Isolated Fields - Consistent Torment
Isolated Fields - Lost In The Soil
Isolated Fields - Suffering Soul
Oviction - Unholy Sodomy With A Cow
Oviction - Deathmarch Through Golgothia
Oviction - Caught Between The Milk & The Cereal
Oviction - Special Black Metal
Journey - Separate Ways (Worlds Apart)
Peter Cetera - Glory of Love
Descension - Skin Of Rebirth (Gay Punk Version complete with interruption, booing, and mocking)