Disclaimer:
I own nothing of Gundam Wing, and this is not the real thing. This does not fit anywhere in the story plot of Gundam Wing, it is its own little section.
Warnings: OOC, PWP, Songfic, Violence, Self-mutilation
Key- * "."*= inner "evil" thoughts
--"."-- = inner "good" thoughts
/…/ = song
She looked at herself in the mirror…
"This is not me… Why am I doing this? It hurts…It doesn't make any sense! WHY?!" She had to do this to feel alive.
/Wish I was too dead to cry,
My self-affliction fades./
Blood was dripping down her arm from the fresh cut in her shoulder, leaving a dry pathway of red behind it. The knife was still in her hand, the cut looked like she had sliced a fish, the flesh was folded away from the wound revealing red muscle beneath it.
/Stones to throw at my
creator
Masochists to which I cater/
Her parents, they were the cause of this, they never supported her
*"If that's what you wish to believe, but you know it's not true…" * Shut up! You don't know me!
*"Oh, but dear… I AM you, you can't hide from me…" * She drew the knife closer to her skin again, she tensed visibly,
--"no… no more…"--
/I'll keep slipping farther/
Every time she did this, she felt a soft rope pulling her down, tying her to her life and her reality. Which was a good thing, she HAD to feel alive now…
*"He doesn't want you anymore, why should you bother?"*
"Stop! You can't do this!!" he was here… "Go away!!" A few tears leaked out of her eyes
*"Traitors…" *
/but once I hold on,
I won't let go 'til it bleeds/
He inched towards her, it was hard to see with her vision blurred by her sadness, he was hoping she would stop. "Don't come any closer!!!" "You have to stop this…" "NO!"
--"Listen to him, he knows…"—
*"He knows too much! Stop him!!"*
/Wish I was too dead to care
If indeed I cared at all
Never had a voice to protest
So you fed me shit to digest/
*"Now you have two voices… You can overpower him!"*
-- "Let him help you, he can…"-- I don't understand… "No one listens to me!" she was almost in hysterics now, the knife was drawing closer to her skin to slash, to cut.
/I wish I had a reason;
my flaws are open season/
Not even he cared, no one ever did… No one in her life sheltered her. People always assumed that because she was quiet that she was stable inside, but no… No one ever cared to find out.
/For this, I gave up trying
One good turn deserves my dying/
*"Why not go all the way? What's life anyway? You're born, you experience pain and loneliness and jealousy, and you die. Why drag it out longer then it has to? You can do this easily, why go through the pain?"*
"Why?! Life's not worth living! No one cares about me!!!"
"You know that's not true! I care about you, please… listen to me, give me the knife! You don't want to hurt anymore, I know! So please give it to me!"
Chorus:
/You don't need to bother;
I don't need to be
I'll keep slipping farther
But once I hold on,
I won't let go 'til it bleeds/
He reached out to try and take her knife, her safety line and her life itself. "Get away from me!" She pulled her hand away from him, and drew the knife along her throat slowly, a single thin line dripped red, it wasn't deep enough to even nick a vein, but it was certainly threatening. His eyes got wide, and he panicked.
"You can't do this… Please don't do this…"
/Wish I'd died instead of
lived
A zombie hides my face/
She switched the knife to her left hand and brought her right up to her neck, her pointer finger sliding along the damp surface, dying it a strawberry pink. She brought it up to her eyes, looked at it, a little drop slid down the patterned surface into her palm. She placed her finger on her lips, dragged it under her chin. She dipped into her life's liquid and brought it up to her eyes, allowing a drop to fall like a tear, leaving a salty trail on her cheek.
/Shell forgotten
with its memories
Diaries left
with cryptic entries/
Her past was a twist of hate and pain, this was the only time she had been caught cutting, he seemed disgusted to watch her cut herself with seeming pride, the same feelings he had felt when he did this to himself. It seemed the only way to prove to her that this could be gotten around was to show her himself. He had tried to show no one his injuries, but whenever anyone did, he said he got them from battle. Everyone seemed to believe him. "You're not alone, I got over this too…" He slipped off his shirt, this was something he had never done before, but he hoped it would shock her into the realization that this was the wrong way to do things.
Chorus:
/And you don't need to bother;
I don't need to be
I'll keep slipping farther
But once I hold on,
I won't let go 'til it bleeds/
His body was a mass of long cuts, they were much longer than hers, deep scars with the mark of staples sealing them shut.
--"What did he do to himself?!"—
*"It… It's not real! It can't be real! No one could survive that! He's lying to you!"* She always imagined him as being proud of himself, he was never secretive, but this was certainly something she didn't know of, this looked… absolutely unreal!
"I know what it feels like, your world feels like it's crashing down around you, but please… You can get through this, you can… Now please, give me the knife." He was breaking down himself, tears dripped quietly down onto his cheeks, this was both humiliating and teaching at the same time, he hoped it was worth it…she dropped the blade on the floor, and she joined it, her legs collapsing under her onto the carpet of the bathroom. He picked it up, his knuckles clenching white he turned and tossed the knife into the trash can, kneeling down next to her.
/You don't need to bother;
I don't need to be
I'll keep slipping farther
But once I hold on:
I'll never live down my deceit/
She looked up at him and gathered some of the blood from her neck that still liquid, and traced a scar that ran from the cup of his collarbone to his chin gently, leaving a trail of red.