My earliest memory is asking a question I asked a lot in my early years, to
various different people. I think I was two, but I might have been three,
I'm not sure. I went into Daniel's lab and asked him, "Why do I only have
one name when everyone else has three?"
Daniel smiled at me and replied, "Because you're special." Then he paused. "And you're not the only one who doesn't have three names, Teal'c only has one."
"Is Teal'c special too?"
"Everyone's special in their own way, you're just special in this way." I didn't really understand that at the time, but I do now. Everyone is different and has unique qualities, it just happened the my unique qualities were so much different from anyone else's.
I asked the same question to a lot of people, and got a lot of different answers. "If everyone was the same, life would be boring," Jack said, "variety livens things up." Jack had a lot to say about boredom, mainly about how boring Sam and Daniel were when they prattled on. I used to wonder why he spent all his time with them if he didn't like them, it was only later that I came to realise just how much he did like them, even with their faults.
Janet said that people got one of their names from their parents, but I wasn't born in the normal way so I only had Susanne. Then I started asking about how my birth was different and she ended up shooing me out of the infirmary.
Teal'c told me that on Chulak people had only one name, and anyone with more would be unusual. I liked listening to him tell me about Chulak.
Sam's answer was, "Everyone has different names to be used at different times by different people. You haven't encountered any situations where you need a name other than Susanne." Then of course I asked her about the different circumstances where other names would be needed. She talked until she got annoyed with me and told me she had work to do. I think I spent a lot of time annoying people back then. I still do annoy people, mainly because I'm still alive and they want it otherwise.
I still wasn't satisfied, so I wandered the halls, trying to figure it out.
"What are you doing here?" I looked up at the man I'd only before known as a distant figure who told the others what to do. I shrugged. "You can't just stand around here," he said firmly. I thought I was in trouble, I associated stern voices with being in trouble, so I was worried when he put his hand on my shoulder and took me to his office. He sat me down on a chair and I just sat there, swinging my legs, waiting to be told off. He just sat at his computer and typed, probably writing up reports or something along those lines. When I realised he wasn't planning to tell me off, I went on wondering about different people's names.
"Why are you looking miserable?" Hammond finally asked.
I shrugged again. "I've got a question and no one can answer it properly."
"What question?"
"Why does everyone have more names than me?"
"What do you mean?"
"Well, Sam's also got Major and Carter. And Jack's got O'Neill and Colonel. Stuff like that."
"Let's start with Sam. Who calls her that?"
"Me, and Daniel, and Janet, and a few other people."
"People she's good friends with."
I nodded. "But Jack's good friends with her and he calls her Carter."
"People's first name is a name their friends call them. But most adults call children by their first name, that's why you're called Susanne. This is the military though, and people often call people they have command over by their last name. Like Colonel O'Neill calls Sam Carter, and I often call him O'Neill. Understand?" I nodded. "The third name isn't really a name, it's a title. Sam was once a captain, but she became a major. Jack was once a major but he became a colonel. As they get better at their job, they get a different title. I was once a colonel."
"So when Jack gets better, he'll become a general."
"Exactly. If you join the Air Force one day, you'll get a title too."
I thought I while. "Where does Doctor come into it?"
"Doctor's a different sort of title. It's a title you get when you've done a lot of work and learned a lot of things. When you know enough, you'll become a doctor. People in the Air Force sometimes have the title doctor too."
"Like Janet."
"Yes, like Janet." I was finally pleased I understood the answer to my problem with names. "Now run off and bother someone else." I did as he told me, happily. I often asked Hammond questions like that when the others couldn't answer them to my satisfaction, but he wasn't the one I went to first. Hammond would never be a good friend to me in the same way the others were, and I would never call him George. But I respected him, and I listened to him. I also learned he wasn't as patient with me as the others were, so I learned not to bother him too much.
The final lesson I learned from him is one I wish no one in the world had to learn. But death is a fact of life.
I was four years old, and playing with a ball in the Gate room. I was throwing up the ball, trying to get it to hit the control room windows. It was much better to play in there than anywhere else on base because I could set myself a challenge like that. I think I gave the airmen on duty in the Gate room some entertainment too, because they always applauded me when I managed to hit my target. Occasionally, it bounced off the wall and hit one of them, and the others had a laugh at their expense. Newcomers to the base had difficulty getting used to me wandering around as I pleased, but they soon got used to it. One of the visitors saw me and complained because I was able to see more than he was. Hammond told me afterwards that I should stay away from visitors.
On this occasion the alarms went off while I was playing. I'd heard the alarms before, you can't spend much time at the SGC without hearing them, but I'd never been near the Gate when it happened. I just watched. I was curious as the airmen rushed in and the iris closed, wondering what would happen. I wasn't afraid, I'd never had reason to be afraid before. I thought this was just some new game. I laughed as the bangs of impacts sounded through the room, but I didn't laugh when the iris started to crack and I saw the worry on everyone else's faces. I knew something was wrong. The iris held until the wormhole shut down, but, for the first time in my life, I knew fear.
As soon as the wormhole shut down, Hammond rushed into the Gate room and grabbed me. His fingers dug into my arm, hurting me, as he towed me to his office. I was more scared of him than I was of the attack through the Gate, I had some idea of what Hammond's anger could mean. He shoved me into a seat and dumped himself in his own, glaring at me, his face a thundercloud.
"What the hell did you think you were doing in there?" he screamed at me, "Were you trying to get yourself killed?"
I was afraid to ask him a question I needed to ask. I shrank into my seat, away from him. It was only after he yelled, "Well?!" at me that I spoke.
"What..." I began nervously, "What does 'killed' mean?"
He seemed to calm down when I asked that, and paused before he spoke. "Being killed is like going to sleep, only you never wake up. The dead person can never do any of the things they enjoy doing, and the other people need to get used to that person not being around. I don't want that to happen to you." That was when I first realised how much Hammond cared about me, he just didn't show it that often.
Even with Hammond's explanation, I didn't understand about death, and it's not a subject you can easily talk about on a base like the SGC. It wasn't until six months later, shortly after my fifth birthday, that I did understand. I got up one day and everyone was looking sad, no one was smiling. Even Jack was looking miserable. I didn't know what was going on, and no one would tell me. I didn't like that, I don't think anyone does like being left in the dark. I knew it was something important and I wanted to know what. I thought that maybe Hammond would tell me, so I went to his office. It was empty.
That worried me. I didn't worry much back then, but suddenly Hammond wasn't where he always was. I tried to get the airmen to tell me, but they just sent me away. I went to Janet in the infirmary. I saw Hammond there, and he wasn't asleep. I didn't understand why he looked so pale and stiff. I ran to him, and tried shaking him, but he didn't notice me. He was cold.
"He's dead, Susanne," Janet told me quietly. I looked at him, not wanting to believe it. He didn't look like he was asleep and I didn't want to believe he would lie to me about death being a sleep. I shook him and spoke to him, but he didn't respond. I began to cry, as the knowledge slowly filtered through. Hammond was dead, and I'd never be able to talk to him again. I don't think I ever really cried before then, but I did that time. I couldn't bear to look at his face, drained of life, so I ran.
There was something else about his death that was strange, but I didn't know it at the time. A lot of people were angry, mostly SG-1 and Janet. I didn't know who they were angry at, or why, so I thought it was just something that happened when someone died.
At five years old, I didn't know the meaning of the word murder.
Daniel smiled at me and replied, "Because you're special." Then he paused. "And you're not the only one who doesn't have three names, Teal'c only has one."
"Is Teal'c special too?"
"Everyone's special in their own way, you're just special in this way." I didn't really understand that at the time, but I do now. Everyone is different and has unique qualities, it just happened the my unique qualities were so much different from anyone else's.
I asked the same question to a lot of people, and got a lot of different answers. "If everyone was the same, life would be boring," Jack said, "variety livens things up." Jack had a lot to say about boredom, mainly about how boring Sam and Daniel were when they prattled on. I used to wonder why he spent all his time with them if he didn't like them, it was only later that I came to realise just how much he did like them, even with their faults.
Janet said that people got one of their names from their parents, but I wasn't born in the normal way so I only had Susanne. Then I started asking about how my birth was different and she ended up shooing me out of the infirmary.
Teal'c told me that on Chulak people had only one name, and anyone with more would be unusual. I liked listening to him tell me about Chulak.
Sam's answer was, "Everyone has different names to be used at different times by different people. You haven't encountered any situations where you need a name other than Susanne." Then of course I asked her about the different circumstances where other names would be needed. She talked until she got annoyed with me and told me she had work to do. I think I spent a lot of time annoying people back then. I still do annoy people, mainly because I'm still alive and they want it otherwise.
I still wasn't satisfied, so I wandered the halls, trying to figure it out.
"What are you doing here?" I looked up at the man I'd only before known as a distant figure who told the others what to do. I shrugged. "You can't just stand around here," he said firmly. I thought I was in trouble, I associated stern voices with being in trouble, so I was worried when he put his hand on my shoulder and took me to his office. He sat me down on a chair and I just sat there, swinging my legs, waiting to be told off. He just sat at his computer and typed, probably writing up reports or something along those lines. When I realised he wasn't planning to tell me off, I went on wondering about different people's names.
"Why are you looking miserable?" Hammond finally asked.
I shrugged again. "I've got a question and no one can answer it properly."
"What question?"
"Why does everyone have more names than me?"
"What do you mean?"
"Well, Sam's also got Major and Carter. And Jack's got O'Neill and Colonel. Stuff like that."
"Let's start with Sam. Who calls her that?"
"Me, and Daniel, and Janet, and a few other people."
"People she's good friends with."
I nodded. "But Jack's good friends with her and he calls her Carter."
"People's first name is a name their friends call them. But most adults call children by their first name, that's why you're called Susanne. This is the military though, and people often call people they have command over by their last name. Like Colonel O'Neill calls Sam Carter, and I often call him O'Neill. Understand?" I nodded. "The third name isn't really a name, it's a title. Sam was once a captain, but she became a major. Jack was once a major but he became a colonel. As they get better at their job, they get a different title. I was once a colonel."
"So when Jack gets better, he'll become a general."
"Exactly. If you join the Air Force one day, you'll get a title too."
I thought I while. "Where does Doctor come into it?"
"Doctor's a different sort of title. It's a title you get when you've done a lot of work and learned a lot of things. When you know enough, you'll become a doctor. People in the Air Force sometimes have the title doctor too."
"Like Janet."
"Yes, like Janet." I was finally pleased I understood the answer to my problem with names. "Now run off and bother someone else." I did as he told me, happily. I often asked Hammond questions like that when the others couldn't answer them to my satisfaction, but he wasn't the one I went to first. Hammond would never be a good friend to me in the same way the others were, and I would never call him George. But I respected him, and I listened to him. I also learned he wasn't as patient with me as the others were, so I learned not to bother him too much.
The final lesson I learned from him is one I wish no one in the world had to learn. But death is a fact of life.
I was four years old, and playing with a ball in the Gate room. I was throwing up the ball, trying to get it to hit the control room windows. It was much better to play in there than anywhere else on base because I could set myself a challenge like that. I think I gave the airmen on duty in the Gate room some entertainment too, because they always applauded me when I managed to hit my target. Occasionally, it bounced off the wall and hit one of them, and the others had a laugh at their expense. Newcomers to the base had difficulty getting used to me wandering around as I pleased, but they soon got used to it. One of the visitors saw me and complained because I was able to see more than he was. Hammond told me afterwards that I should stay away from visitors.
On this occasion the alarms went off while I was playing. I'd heard the alarms before, you can't spend much time at the SGC without hearing them, but I'd never been near the Gate when it happened. I just watched. I was curious as the airmen rushed in and the iris closed, wondering what would happen. I wasn't afraid, I'd never had reason to be afraid before. I thought this was just some new game. I laughed as the bangs of impacts sounded through the room, but I didn't laugh when the iris started to crack and I saw the worry on everyone else's faces. I knew something was wrong. The iris held until the wormhole shut down, but, for the first time in my life, I knew fear.
As soon as the wormhole shut down, Hammond rushed into the Gate room and grabbed me. His fingers dug into my arm, hurting me, as he towed me to his office. I was more scared of him than I was of the attack through the Gate, I had some idea of what Hammond's anger could mean. He shoved me into a seat and dumped himself in his own, glaring at me, his face a thundercloud.
"What the hell did you think you were doing in there?" he screamed at me, "Were you trying to get yourself killed?"
I was afraid to ask him a question I needed to ask. I shrank into my seat, away from him. It was only after he yelled, "Well?!" at me that I spoke.
"What..." I began nervously, "What does 'killed' mean?"
He seemed to calm down when I asked that, and paused before he spoke. "Being killed is like going to sleep, only you never wake up. The dead person can never do any of the things they enjoy doing, and the other people need to get used to that person not being around. I don't want that to happen to you." That was when I first realised how much Hammond cared about me, he just didn't show it that often.
Even with Hammond's explanation, I didn't understand about death, and it's not a subject you can easily talk about on a base like the SGC. It wasn't until six months later, shortly after my fifth birthday, that I did understand. I got up one day and everyone was looking sad, no one was smiling. Even Jack was looking miserable. I didn't know what was going on, and no one would tell me. I didn't like that, I don't think anyone does like being left in the dark. I knew it was something important and I wanted to know what. I thought that maybe Hammond would tell me, so I went to his office. It was empty.
That worried me. I didn't worry much back then, but suddenly Hammond wasn't where he always was. I tried to get the airmen to tell me, but they just sent me away. I went to Janet in the infirmary. I saw Hammond there, and he wasn't asleep. I didn't understand why he looked so pale and stiff. I ran to him, and tried shaking him, but he didn't notice me. He was cold.
"He's dead, Susanne," Janet told me quietly. I looked at him, not wanting to believe it. He didn't look like he was asleep and I didn't want to believe he would lie to me about death being a sleep. I shook him and spoke to him, but he didn't respond. I began to cry, as the knowledge slowly filtered through. Hammond was dead, and I'd never be able to talk to him again. I don't think I ever really cried before then, but I did that time. I couldn't bear to look at his face, drained of life, so I ran.
There was something else about his death that was strange, but I didn't know it at the time. A lot of people were angry, mostly SG-1 and Janet. I didn't know who they were angry at, or why, so I thought it was just something that happened when someone died.
At five years old, I didn't know the meaning of the word murder.