Author's note: I meant to post this chapter yesterday but stupid ff.net was
playing up, so you get two chapters today.
***
I grew up being told I was 'different' and 'special' but I didn't really understand what that meant. I'd grown up on the base and didn't know anything different. Janet spent a lot of time doing tests on me, and I got to see the results, but I didn't see the results of anyone else's tests to see how different mine were.
When General Cassidy took command of the base he didn't like me wandering around the way I was used to. He said it was dangerous, and it probably was. He organised a strict schedule of lessons for me, from various people on the base. The members of SG-1 taught me while they were on base, but other people taught me when they were on missions. I got a lot of different teachers, based on who was on base, and who had important projects on. Most children would find it more or less impossible to learn in situations like that, but, as I've already said, I'm not an ordinary child. I enjoyed my lessons, something Jack struggled to understand, but I was curious about everything and listened to anyone willing to teach me.
By the time I was six I knew enough about medicine to become a qualified doctor. It was when I was studying the human brain that I learned why. I'd been shown MRI's I'd had taken since I was little, and thought I knew what to expect. Janet was always taking me into the infirmary to do tests on me, I didn't think anything of it since a lot of people went into the infirmary frequently. It was only when she showed me an MRI of a healthy brain that I saw the first difference between myself and others.
"Why don't other people have nano-processors?" I asked.
"Because you're different," she told me, then realised I wouldn't stop until I got a more satisfactory answer. "They help you learn things, so you remember and understand things better than most people. No one else your age would understand the things you get taught." Saying something like to a six year old is an easy way to give them a big head, and I was quoting Janet for weeks afterwards, until nearly everyone on base had yelled at me at least ten times. It wasn't quite that bad, but it seemed like it. Daniel had to have a talk with me about how boasting can hurt other people's feelings to get me to stop. Looking at diagrams and pictures of other people's bodies made me realise just how different I was. It wasn't just the nano-processors, ordinary people didn't have nanites improving their immune system, or slowing their ageing. Ordinary people didn't have naquadah in their blood, or trinium strengthening their bones. Biologically, I was a freak.
"Why am I so different?"
I could tell Janet was reluctant to tell me, but did anyway. "The NID were wanting to make use of the things we'd found on other planets, and were coming up with ways to use them in medicine. But they weren't sure if it would be safe. They grew you, like people grow bacteria cultures, and used you to test their theories. You seemed to be healthy, but they couldn't be sure until you were older. That was why you were sent here, so we could observe you and make sure you were OK."
"So I was just a guinea pig?!" It was only natural I should be angry, learning something like that about myself. I remembered Hammond's concern about me, was that just because he didn't want to wreck the experiment? Were the others only teaching me these things to see what my learning capacities were?
"Maybe to start with," Janet said, "but not now. All of us care for you as a person, not a scientific experiment."
I ran out of the infirmary, bumping into airmen in the halls. I didn't look where I was going, I just went there. I found myself at the stairs leading up to the surface and climbed them. Fortunately, both men on duty were ones who remembered the time when Hammond let me do as I pleased. They let me leave without question, I was just a child to whom the SGC was home. I climbed up to the to of the mountain, where there were thickly-growing trees. I liked it up there, where you could barely tell there was a military base only a few metres away.
I'm not sure how long I sat up there, thinking. I felt betrayed, learning of my origins in that way. That was the first time I wished I had an ordinary life. It's something I've wished a lot since, but before then I was happy with who I was. I had never considered myself a freak before, but now I was. The inner turmoil that raged within me caused floods of tears to stream down my cheeks as I tried to understand. My friends became strangers who hid the truth. I had second name because I wasn't normal like them, I was changed so much I wouldn't be recognised as human.
"Susanne?" a voice called up to me. "Susanne?" I knew who it was, but I wanted to be left alone, so I muffled my sobs. I didn't want anyone to be up here with me, not after they had hidden the truth for so long. But Daniel was persistent, and found me quickly enough. "Susanne, why are you crying?"
"Because I'm a freak."
"You're not. You're different, that's all."
"I'm not even human really, am I?"
"Is Teal'c?" I was ashamed that I hadn't thought of Teal'c while I'd been feeling sorry for myself. Teal'c was less human than me, and I'd never considered him a freak. I shook my head. "Look at me, Susanne." I did so. "You are a wonderful child, immensely intelligent, but still a human child. If people are born with deformities that doesn't stop them being human, your deformities just give you a serious advantage over the rest of your species." I took great comfort in Daniel's words, and I understood their meaning. I acted entirely on impulse as I leapt forward and threw my arms around his neck. I had no family, but at that moment Daniel was the closest thing I had to one.
"Thank you," I said.
"You're welcome."
I was unwilling to let go, so we sat together on the mountaintop above the base. "What if the NID want to know how I am?" I asked at last. "What would they do to me?"
"You'll never have to find that out, Susanne," he assured me, "we won't let that happen to you. You won't be a lab rat for them any more, no matter what they say. I promise you, we'll never let them take you away from the SGC."
Daniel meant it when he said that, but he had no idea of what the future would hold. Neither of us knew just how much a lie his words would prove to be, when Colonel Simmons came to the SGC just under a year later.
***
I grew up being told I was 'different' and 'special' but I didn't really understand what that meant. I'd grown up on the base and didn't know anything different. Janet spent a lot of time doing tests on me, and I got to see the results, but I didn't see the results of anyone else's tests to see how different mine were.
When General Cassidy took command of the base he didn't like me wandering around the way I was used to. He said it was dangerous, and it probably was. He organised a strict schedule of lessons for me, from various people on the base. The members of SG-1 taught me while they were on base, but other people taught me when they were on missions. I got a lot of different teachers, based on who was on base, and who had important projects on. Most children would find it more or less impossible to learn in situations like that, but, as I've already said, I'm not an ordinary child. I enjoyed my lessons, something Jack struggled to understand, but I was curious about everything and listened to anyone willing to teach me.
By the time I was six I knew enough about medicine to become a qualified doctor. It was when I was studying the human brain that I learned why. I'd been shown MRI's I'd had taken since I was little, and thought I knew what to expect. Janet was always taking me into the infirmary to do tests on me, I didn't think anything of it since a lot of people went into the infirmary frequently. It was only when she showed me an MRI of a healthy brain that I saw the first difference between myself and others.
"Why don't other people have nano-processors?" I asked.
"Because you're different," she told me, then realised I wouldn't stop until I got a more satisfactory answer. "They help you learn things, so you remember and understand things better than most people. No one else your age would understand the things you get taught." Saying something like to a six year old is an easy way to give them a big head, and I was quoting Janet for weeks afterwards, until nearly everyone on base had yelled at me at least ten times. It wasn't quite that bad, but it seemed like it. Daniel had to have a talk with me about how boasting can hurt other people's feelings to get me to stop. Looking at diagrams and pictures of other people's bodies made me realise just how different I was. It wasn't just the nano-processors, ordinary people didn't have nanites improving their immune system, or slowing their ageing. Ordinary people didn't have naquadah in their blood, or trinium strengthening their bones. Biologically, I was a freak.
"Why am I so different?"
I could tell Janet was reluctant to tell me, but did anyway. "The NID were wanting to make use of the things we'd found on other planets, and were coming up with ways to use them in medicine. But they weren't sure if it would be safe. They grew you, like people grow bacteria cultures, and used you to test their theories. You seemed to be healthy, but they couldn't be sure until you were older. That was why you were sent here, so we could observe you and make sure you were OK."
"So I was just a guinea pig?!" It was only natural I should be angry, learning something like that about myself. I remembered Hammond's concern about me, was that just because he didn't want to wreck the experiment? Were the others only teaching me these things to see what my learning capacities were?
"Maybe to start with," Janet said, "but not now. All of us care for you as a person, not a scientific experiment."
I ran out of the infirmary, bumping into airmen in the halls. I didn't look where I was going, I just went there. I found myself at the stairs leading up to the surface and climbed them. Fortunately, both men on duty were ones who remembered the time when Hammond let me do as I pleased. They let me leave without question, I was just a child to whom the SGC was home. I climbed up to the to of the mountain, where there were thickly-growing trees. I liked it up there, where you could barely tell there was a military base only a few metres away.
I'm not sure how long I sat up there, thinking. I felt betrayed, learning of my origins in that way. That was the first time I wished I had an ordinary life. It's something I've wished a lot since, but before then I was happy with who I was. I had never considered myself a freak before, but now I was. The inner turmoil that raged within me caused floods of tears to stream down my cheeks as I tried to understand. My friends became strangers who hid the truth. I had second name because I wasn't normal like them, I was changed so much I wouldn't be recognised as human.
"Susanne?" a voice called up to me. "Susanne?" I knew who it was, but I wanted to be left alone, so I muffled my sobs. I didn't want anyone to be up here with me, not after they had hidden the truth for so long. But Daniel was persistent, and found me quickly enough. "Susanne, why are you crying?"
"Because I'm a freak."
"You're not. You're different, that's all."
"I'm not even human really, am I?"
"Is Teal'c?" I was ashamed that I hadn't thought of Teal'c while I'd been feeling sorry for myself. Teal'c was less human than me, and I'd never considered him a freak. I shook my head. "Look at me, Susanne." I did so. "You are a wonderful child, immensely intelligent, but still a human child. If people are born with deformities that doesn't stop them being human, your deformities just give you a serious advantage over the rest of your species." I took great comfort in Daniel's words, and I understood their meaning. I acted entirely on impulse as I leapt forward and threw my arms around his neck. I had no family, but at that moment Daniel was the closest thing I had to one.
"Thank you," I said.
"You're welcome."
I was unwilling to let go, so we sat together on the mountaintop above the base. "What if the NID want to know how I am?" I asked at last. "What would they do to me?"
"You'll never have to find that out, Susanne," he assured me, "we won't let that happen to you. You won't be a lab rat for them any more, no matter what they say. I promise you, we'll never let them take you away from the SGC."
Daniel meant it when he said that, but he had no idea of what the future would hold. Neither of us knew just how much a lie his words would prove to be, when Colonel Simmons came to the SGC just under a year later.