Part 4. Advice from a Caterpillar
`Who are YOU?' said the Caterpillar.
This was not an encouraging opening for a conversation. Alice replied, rather shyly, `I--I hardly know, sir, just at present-- at least I know who I WAS when I got up this morning, but I think I must have been changed several times since then.'
Sydney cried until she was drained and then she looked down at her fist and saw that it was all red and swollen. But at least the ache in her hand was one that she was well familiar with and knew how to handle. She fell from her knees and sat on the floor in the center of her round room. She glanced around and noticed that the mirror was gone and the room was empty again. She dropped her head to the floor and wrapped her uninjured arm around her eyes.
She lay like that for hours or for an eternity, she couldn't quite tell, until she smelled a peculiar smell and was forced to look around. After her eyes had adjusted to the light (her mind didn't even bother trying to determine where that was coming from!) she looked around only to find probably the most peculiar sight that she had to yet to see.
Atop a giant pink and peach colored mushroom sat a large purple caterpillar smoking a pipe. He seemed to be quite comfortable because his many arms were relaxed and he was blowing smoke rings lazily around the room.
Sydney sat up, numb with shock and emotionally drained and stared at the sight in front of her.
The caterpillar took a deep breath from his pipe and let three concentric smoke rings fly from his mouth. He stared at Sydney in return. After a few moments he spoke. "It's rude to stare you know."
Sydney looked at him indignantly before standing up and approaching him. That a three foot caterpillar had suddenly appeared atop a multicolored mushroom in a doorless and windowless room did not surprise her. She had accepted that the madness was to be a part of her punishment.
"What are you doing here?" Sydney asked plainly and exhausted.
The caterpillar continued to look at her and he inhaled several more times on his pipe before he answered. "I'm here to ask questions and receive answers. What are YOU doing here?"
Sydney dropped her head in weariness. "I suppose I'm here to learn about feeling helpless," she answered with uncertainty. Her heart was still breaking from her earlier visions.
The caterpillar shook his head sadly. "No, I'm afraid that's not it. That's not it at all!"
Sydney looked at him with sadness and anger. "Then why I am here? Am I not in hell because of all the horrible things I've done? Isn't part of my punishment to watch the punishment of those that I care about most? And not being able to do anything to help them?"
"How come," the caterpillar asked slowly, ignoring her question, "you did not ask the Mirror to show you your mother Sydney?"
Sydney put her hands against the mushroom and leaned her head on her arms. The caterpillar waited patiently while Sydney examined her own motivations and she found that the answers she was coming up with did not please her overly much. Finally after much thinking she said, "I guess I didn't ask to see her because I couldn't bear how it would make me feel. She's a horrible person and she deserves all that she's gotten and I couldn't bear to feel horrible for her suffering as well."
"I see," said the caterpillar.
"Well, I don't." Sydney said crossly, angry at the caterpillar for brushing her answer aside. It had cost her more than she cared to admit to say that out loud.
The caterpillar inhaled deeply from his pipe and let smoke rings go as he spoke. "To speak plainly," he puffed in her face, "you are a coward."
Sydney stared at the caterpillar full of righteous fury. Her heart had just been torn to pieces and now to add insult to injury she was being insulted. "Leave me alone!" she demanded.
But the caterpillar only tilted his round head to the side and crossed all but two of his arms in front of his body and continued speaking. "You let your fear condemn the people you love, for faults that you yourself possess. Does that not make you a coward?"
Sydney turned away but she could not stop his words from reaching her ears.
"Why did you stop yourself from touching the smooth wall before?"
Sydney turned back around. "Because it hurt me the last time I touched it!" she exclaimed in frustration.
The caterpillar leaned back on his mushroom and ran his hand along the wall behind him. It seemed to cause him no pain, though he did bring his hand up to his mouth. Sydney stared at him in bewilderment as he licked his fingers in enjoyment. "And so you deny your mother and father your love because each of them has hurt you in the past. Do their previous sins make them unworthy for your love?"
"I don't know." Sydney shook her head in frustration. "My father was just trying to protect me, I guess. But my mother would have traded my life for a Rambaldi object anytime."
"Do you know that for sure?" The caterpillar asked raising his eyebrow.
"Look if there's one thing I know is that my mother is an evil person!" Sydney practically shouted.
The caterpillar let out a sigh. "You assume that because they were capable of hurting you before that they would hurt you again." He puffed on his pipe a few more times as he let the words sink into her head. "And what about Vaughn? He has never hurt you, has he? Well, perhaps he kept a few secrets from you I guess, but that's not it, is it? No, Vaughn's crime against you was merely to love you after Danny and Noah hurt you. So therefore, since other man have caused you pain, he is capable of it himself. And for his crime of being a man, you have damned him to eternal agony. You may call this self-protection, Sydney. But I think I will call you a coward."
Sydney stood transfixed, listening to the caterpillar, knowing that deep down the words he said were true. And that in some way she had helped to build their torture here in hell by denying them the only thing they ever wanted from her. The thing that she could have given freely to them all, if only she had allowed herself to.
Cheshire Puss,' she began, rather timidly, `Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?'
`That depends a good deal on where you want to get to,' said the Cat.
`I don't much care where--' said Alice.
`Then it doesn't matter which way you go,' said the Cat.
"What do you want from me?" Sydney asked exhausted.
The caterpillar raised his eyebrows and looked at her peculiarly. "What do you want from yourself?" he said sternly.
Sydney almost laughed out loud. "You've got to be kidding me right?" But the caterpillar continued to look at her and she felt like she had no choice but to answer. "I want to take their place in hell. If I'm going to suffer I want to know that I suffer without regrets for what I've done."
"Is that what you really want?" the caterpillar asked doubtfully.
Sydney crossed her arms across her chest. "No. What I really want to is go back and change it all so that none of this happens."
"Go back where?" asked the caterpillar.
Sydney looked at him frustrated. "Home! Where else would I like to go? I wish I could go home and I wish that none of this happened. I wish I could have the chance to get rid of all my regrets."
The caterpillar put down his pipe. "Home, you say? Well if home is where you want to go, your ruby slippers could have brought you there any time you wished."
Sydney looked down at her feet, ready to believe that she did indeed have a pair of ruby slippers on but instead she had on her plain leather boots. She looked back up at the caterpillar and he laughed quietly. "Sorry just a mean little trick I know, but it's April Fool's day, after all. Now close your eyes and tap your heel together three times. I believe you know what to say."
Sydney glared at the caterpillar, unwilling to be made the fool of again today. So she tapped her heels together and said sarcastically, "There's no place like home. There's no place like home."
To her surprise the prison around her started to shimmer. Sydney looked about frantically trying to stop her panic from rising again, when she noticed that it was raining. The rain appeared to be coming from the ceiling but it seemed to dissolving the walls around it. Like a washed out canvas the scene before her started to melt away. The caterpillar looked up into the sky that was now visible and then turned to look at her one last time. "Well what did you expect Sydney, they were only made of sugar anyway," he chuckled as the rain melted him as well.
Sydney looked up into the gray, cloudless sky and felt the rain wash away the tears that had tried on her face. She wanted to cry in anticipation and yet shuddered in fear but her cries for redemption were heard.
The White Rabbit put on his spectacles. `Where shall I begin, please your Majesty?' he asked.
`Begin at the beginning,' the King said gravely, `and go on till you come to the end: then stop.'
Sydney stared at the gray ceiling, feeling the rain against her face. Her head felt heavy and her vision slightly out of focus. But then from out of nowhere she heard a familiar voice and she almost cried out loud.
"Hey, I think she's coming around!"
There was some shuffling around her and then another voice spoke. "I think you're right. Thanks Weiss. Go get Jack and let him know."
"Sure thing. Man, I wish these damn sprinklers would turn off though!"
Sydney opened her eyes to a face she thought she would never see again. And he was smiling at her.
"Vaughn—" she managed to croak out from a throat that was too dry to cooperate willingly. She tried to look around but his strong hand stopped her.
"Syd," he said tenderly caressing her cheek softly. "You hit your head. You've been unconscious for a few hours. You shouldn't move your head around…"
Sydney brushed off his concern and tried to sit up. Vaughn seemed to know that she was not going to listen to him so he merely helped her sit up more comfortably.
She looked around in shock. They were still in the conference room but water was coming down from the sprinklers. Several of the light fixtures were dangling lopsided from the ceiling and a third one sat broken on the floor. A few ceiling panels were strewn about and a few chairs were overturned. The door to the room was ajar and she could see similar chaos in the hallway.
"What happened?"
Vaughn looked about sheepishly. "Would you believe an earthquake?" he said. "It seems that we are equipped to chase terrorists and out maneuver foreign agents, but Mother Nature will always have her way with us."
Sydney tried to shake her head in disbelief but she settled for holding her forehead while her vision whirled before her. When her sight finally stabilized she was greeted to a sight so sweet she thought that she might yet be redeemed.
Vaughn had removed his tie and jacket and rolled up his shirtsleeves. The water had drenched him and was starting to accumulate on the floor but it caused his hair to stick up slightly in the back. He sat there looking at her with concern, but with a small smile on his face because he knew she was going to be ok.
A vision of him lying broken on the floor of the stage with the angels around him ripping the wings off of his back flashed before her eyes and she couldn't stop herself from trembling. She leaned forward suddenly and buried her face in his chest as she began to sob uncontrollably.
"Shh, it's ok Syd. We're all ok. There's been some structural damage to the building but being in the basement helped us. We're gonna be stuck here for a little while but—"
Sydney covered his mouth with her hand and leaned her forehead against his. "I love you, so much," she said before he could say another word. She dropped her hand from his mouth, praying that he would respond to her. Instead his mouth twisted into a goofy grin.
His eyes sparked as his grin widened. "Really?" he asked. Sydney couldn't help but smile in return.
"Really."
His face turned serious for a moment as he looked her over. "I don't know if I should be a little worried that you only say this to me after you've been hit in the head but…"
Sydney smacked him playfully on his arm but he continued. "I mean you might have brain damage or something…" She made to smack him again, but his face broken back into a silly grin. He lifted his hand up to brush away the wet hair from her face and he caressed her cheek slowly. "I guess what I mean to say is, I love you too Sydney."
He leaned forward and kissed her sweetly on the lips.
Their kiss was interrupted when the water stopped beating down on their heads. They looked around as they heard some people shuffling around them and a familiar person leaned down next to her. Vaughn got up reluctantly to let her father sit down next to her.
"Daddy!" Sydney exclaimed as she leaned forward and practically tackled her father in an embrace. To say that Jack was surprised would have been an understatement but he managed to hug her back slightly.
"Sweetheart, I'm glad you're ok. How's your head?"
Sydney rubbed it a little but smiled. "I'm ok."
"I'm glad," Jack Bristow said as he managed a small genuine smile for his daughter.
Sydney took it as all the encouragement she needed before she hugged him tightly again. "I love you Dad," she said quietly.
Because she was still hugging him, she could not see the shocked expression on her father's face as he tried to formulate an answer. But her hugging did not relent and for the first time in almost twenty years, Jack Bristow really hugged his daughter back. "I love you too sweetheart," he whispered back.
When she finally pulled back, she managed a small laugh at their predicament and Jack laughed with her. "At least Marshall managed to turn off the damn sprinklers." He pulled off his soaking suit jacket and hung it off of a nearby chair.
"Is everyone else alright?" Sydney asked concerned.
Jack nodded. "Yes, except for you, we were all pretty lucky. By the time we understood what was happening a ceiling tile came loose and hit you directly on your head. It was the strangest thing, really. But everyone else is ok."
Sydney looked around at the people milling about. "I meant to ask as the meeting was starting, but Kendall walked in. Why was Yeager in this meeting? Vaughn was cleared on all the charges."
Jack looked at Sydney with concern. "Agent Yeager wasn't at the meeting Sydney. Are you sure you're ok?"
Sydney brushed off her father's concern. "Of course he was in the meeting, he came in right before Kendall did and he sat in that corner." Sydney pointed to the corner across from her.
Jack looked about and then back to Sydney with concern. "Sydney, Yeager went back to Washington last week. Trust me, he wasn't at the meeting. Does your head hurt or anything?"
Sydney shook her head slightly and then stood up slowly with her father's help.
Just then the lights started to flicker.
Her father turned to look at her—
—flicker— Right I am. Of course I am! You didn't help her, you caused her pain. You took away her choices in life!
—flicker— "Are you ok Sydney?"
—flicker— …Who are you to come and act like her father? If you wanted to help her, you would have stayed away from her...
—flicker— "I'm fine Dad." Sydney rubbed her forehead in panic. Her father saw this and moved towards her.
—flicker— Sydney threw herself into her father's arms. "I'm so sorry Daddy. For all the horrible things I've ever said to you. I'm so sorry. I just wanted you to know that."
—flicker— "I do Sydney, don't worry." Her father gave her a small half smile. "And I love you, sweetheart. I'm sorry that it's taken us so long to be able to say that."
—flicker— "Wait a second I think I got it" yelled out Weiss from the adjoining utilities room.
The lights came back on steady and Sydney looked around. She spotted Vaughn and Weiss in the utility room so she gave her father another quick hug before going to join them.
"See I told you I'm more MacGyver than you are!" Weiss exclaimed laughing.
"I hardly think that counts!" Vaughn replied half-joking.
Sydney poked her head in the closet. "What are you guys talking about?"
Weiss turned to her laughing. "Well Vaughn over here thought he could fix the lights with his screwdriver, but ha! I fixed it with my spork! I think that wins me more MacGyver points…" Weiss trailed off as he saw the look on Sydney's face. Apparently Vaughn saw it as well because within seconds he had her in his arms.
Weiss stared at her speechless and completely confused. "I'm sorry Sydney, I didn't think my utensil antics were cause for a breakdown or anything…I mean…um April fool's Sydney, I was just kidding about the whole spork thing, actually Vaughn fixed the lights with his screwdriver so everything's ok right?" Weiss trailed off as he realized he was babbling.
After a moment Sydney managed to wipe off her face and she looked at him wearily. "I'm sorry Weiss, it had nothing to do with your utensil or anything, I promise. It was sweet of you to say it was a joke, though. But I think the truth of the matter is that I've been a fool for a very long time when it comes to certain things. But I think this April Fool's Day, I've finally caught on."
She smiled at him in an attempt to lighten the mood, but Weiss just backed away. He tried to convince himself that he was just giving the two love birds a little room but the truth of the matter was that she had left him feeling slightly unsettled. Maybe it was that the smile she had given him seemed a tad out of place or that the strange look in her eyes had spoken of too much madness that had been seen, but for an odd moment there, she had reminded him of the Cheshire Cat from an old childhood tale. Weiss shook his head and wondered why such nonsense had just jumped into his head.