DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN FF7 OR ANY OF ITS CHARACTERS
Vincent looked up at the ominous shape of the Gold Saucer that was filling more and more of his vision with each passing second. Estimating its rate of descent, and assuming the Highwind continued its unimpressive rate of acceleration, their chances of survival were slim to say the least. Realising he might be facing the last few moments of his life, Vincent leapt into action.
Well, not straight away. As was his wont, he spent the next four or five seconds silently debating with himself whether or not his existence could be classified as 'life' after the alterations Hojo had made to him. He eventually decided it didn't matter; whatever it was called, it would be over very soon. He had to find Yuffie and tell her how he felt before he died. Overcoming his mind's enormous urge to debate with himself whether or not he was already technically 'dead', he looked around to find the ninja girl. Where was she?
He saw Yuffie, on her knees, holding her Conformer protectively in front of her, sheltering behind the minimal cover provided by a large packing case. Vincent hurried over and crouched down beside her.
"Vinny!" she exclaimed. "Is it all right? Are we gonna make it OK?"
Vincent looked at her, saw the hope of survival in her eyes, and he hated himself for having to destroy that hope.
"I fear we will not, Yuffie," he replied without emotion, seeing the dismayed expression appear on her face.
"I don't wanna die!" she cried, throwing her arms around him and holding on tight.
"Yuffie," Vincent said, deadpan. "There is something I must tell you before we die."
"What?" she asked, sobbing with fear.
"I am madly in love with you."
Momentarily forgetting her fear, she looked up into his eyes with a stunned expression, "Seriously?!?"
"I am always serious."
"Why didn't – why didn't you tell me earlier?" she gasped.
"I didn't know how to say it. Yuffie – will you marry me?"
She looked in his eyes for any indication that he was joking. Seeing that he was in fact deadly serious, Yuffie didn't hesitate in replying.
"Yes! Yes I will!" she cried excitedly, tightening her hold on him and pressing her face into his shoulder. "But we're going to die!"
Vincent didn't say anything. He was still coming to terms with the fact that she had said yes. He had to admit, he hadn't been expecting that.
"All right, kids, listen up!" Cid yelled as he marched on to the observation deck from the bridge. "The Highwind's going as fast as she possibly can but we're not going to be able to escape! We've only got about ten minutes before we're squashed flat! Our only hope is to abandon ship!"
Vincent looked up as Cid ran over to the emergency closet and began pulling out the parachutes.
"Dammit!" Cid screamed. "There's only seven parachutes and there's nine of us!"
Barret looked up, "That ain't no problem. Just leave behind Cait Sith – Reeve can just build a new one – and that dumb-ass Shinra."
Cid glanced over to where Reno was lying comatose beneath his pile of filthy blankets and month-old newspapers, drooling intermittently on to the deck. It was tempting to just leave him, Cid had to confess. He put off the decision, instead looking around to see where the rest of the party were. Tifa and Red XIII both cowered behind a piece of machinery, gazing up at the slowly descending Gold Saucer. Cait Sith was running about in a state of some alarm, tripping over seemingly every random object in his path. Cloud was nowhere to be seen.
"Cid!" Vincent shouted suddenly. "I have the solution!"
"Huh? What you talkin' about?"
"Yuffie and I will not need a parachute. I can transform into the Chaos beast and fly the two of us to safety."
"Your Limit Break's ready?"
"Yes. Hand out the parachutes quickly."
"Right!"
Cid turned round to grab the parachutes, then let out a high-pitched scream when he saw what Cloud was doing.
"Look!" the blond-haired leader of the party announced excitedly. "Tifa, I used a pair of scissors and I didn't cut myself this time!"
"That's very good, Cloud," said Tifa in a flat tone, as she also noticed what he'd done.
Cloud had cut holes in all but two of the emergency parachutes. Barret glanced over and also let out a high pitched scream, "YOU DAMN FOO'!!!!!!"
Cid collapsed to his knees, pounding the deck with his fist, wailing, "Why? Why?"
Barret fainted. Tifa considered grabbing the Missing Score and shooting herself. Or Cloud. Red XIII for once lost his eternal cool, and went into a frenzy of snapping and snarling, chasing his own tail. Cait Sith hit himself repeatedly over the head with his own megaphone until he fell unconscious by Tifa's feet. Cloud beamed and looked happily around at his friends, unable to understand why they were acting so strangely. Yuffie looked over at Cid, "How long now?"
"'Bout five minutes," the pilot said morosely, lighting three cigarettes and smoking them simultaneously.
"In that case," said Yuffie, getting to her feet. "Listen up, everyone! Vincent has just proposed to me and we're getting married!"
The other party members looked up in shock. Even Reno raised himself from his drunken stupor to mumble, "Wha?"
"Does that mean you'll have babies?" asked Cloud happily.
"Um – maybe…" said Yuffie.
"What kind of babies? Will any of them be kittens?"
"Uh – I shouldn't think so," she answered, though who knew what Hojo's experimentation had done to Vincent's reproductive system?
"If there are any kittens, can I have them?" he begged her.
"Sure. As many as you want," she said, to shut him up. "The point is, I want to get married before we die. I want to get married here and now."
"Now?" Tifa repeated. "You want to get married now?"
"Yes! It's not as if we'll get another chance!"
"But we haven't even got a priest or anything!" Cid pointed out.
Vincent shook his head, "We do not need one. You, Cid, as captain of our ship, are thus qualified to conduct a marriage."
"Hoo boy," the pilot sighed, lighting another cigarette and adding it to the three already between his lips.
"All right, places, everyone!!" Yuffie shouted. "We've got about five minutes before we die! Let's do this properly!"
Jolted into action, the party dashed about getting things ready. Cait Sith came running up with a bride's veil (pulled from heaven knows where) for Yuffie to wear. Vincent hastily brushed some of the dirt from his clothes, and tried to make his hair a bit more presentable, while Tifa hurriedly helped Yuffie put on her makeup. Cid and Barret dragged some crates into position to form an aisle and some seats. Red came bounding from the cargo hold with a top hat for Vincent. They looked around hurriedly for a ring; fortunately Tifa had a Fire Ring in her possession. Reno lay half-conscious and did, quite frankly, sod all. Cloud looked at the preparations with a childlike bliss and asked, "Will I get presents?"
Finally, with about two minutes to go, everything was ready. Vincent donned his top hat and stood at the altar (an upside-down crate that had once contained plastic figurines of Sephiroth). Yuffie adjusted her veil and went to wait at the back with Barret, who was standing in as father of the bride. The hastily arranged orchestra (Cait Sith on his megaphone, Red XIII using three crates as drums, and Cloud making odd whistling noises through his nostrils) started playing a suitably jaunty tune, and the wedding commenced. As time was precious, Yuffie and Barret dashed up the aisle towards the altar, and Cid stubbed out his four cigarettes, "Okay, I've never done this before. Let's see…dearly beloved, we are gathered here in the sight of God – um – "
"To see these two people wed in holy matrimony," Tifa, the matron of honour, prompted him.
"Uh – yeah, like she said," Cid added. "Um, a marriage is a happy and joyous occasion. But if anyone here can give just cause why these two should not wed…"
"No!" everyone shouted urgently, a few casting apprehensive glances at the huge shape of the Gold Saucer falling ever so slowly but ever so certainly towards them.
Unfortunately proceedings were interrupted as a gaggle of Dorky Faces swooped in from nowhere, cackling with glee, intent on seeing how much damage and disruption they could cause.
"SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP, YOU &*$%ING PIECES OF &*$%ING ^%£$!!!" Cid roared at the top of his lungs.
Stunned, the Dorky Faces fell silent, and meekly took their seats beside Reno and Cloud.
"Okay then," said Cid. "Vincent – you don't have a middle name, do you?"
"No."
"Vincent Valentine, do you take Yuffie – you don't have a middle name, do you?"
"Not that I know of," she shrugged.
The huge bulk above move downwards imperiously.
"All right, Vincent Valentine, do you take Yuffie Kisaragi to be your wife, to love her and care for her, never to hurt her or leave her, as-long-as-you-both-shall-live?!" Cid yelled in a panicked tone, forcing the last few words together in a mad rush.
"I do," Vincent intoned solemnly.
"Yuffie Kisaragi, do you take Vincent Valentine as your husband, to do all the stuff I just said to him, love him, etc, yadda yadda yadda?!?" the stand-in priest yelped hurriedly.
"I do!" Yuffie screamed, as the creaking structure of the Gold Saucer collapsed on to the top decks of the Highwind, crushing down inexorably towards them.
"Then I pronounce you husband and wife! You may kiss your bride, Mr Valentine!"
As the ship disintegrated around them, Vincent put his hands on Yuffie's shoulders and gently pulled her close to him. For a moment they stared into each other's eyes, then slowly, almost in slow motion, they drew together and kissed each other softly on the lips.
And thus true love was sealed.
"Yaay!" Cloud exclaimed happily as the shadow of the falling Gold Saucer covered him in darkness. "I love happy endings!"