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Enjoy...
ADDICTED
I wanted to escape.
At least, in the beginning, that was it. After a while I began to realise that it was going to be a lot more and yet still a lot less.
It had to be a secret, always. There was no way I could ever have told anyone. Everyone would have been so shocked, so... disgusted. I could always see my parents faces, in the back of my mind, pursing their lips disapprovingly, clicking their tongues and telling me how disappointed they were in me.
But I kept doing it.
It was like an addiction, and you can't just stop an addiction, it won't just go away.
God knows I tried to stop. It was so, so hard though and I always caved, always gave into the intense temptation.
God knows I tried to deny the cravings and ignore the desperate pleas that my body made to my mind.
I always failed.
My body betrayed me, persuading me to go back for more.
Deep down, I didn't want it to end. The release it gave me was too essential to my sanity. Nothing made me feel quite so peaceful, relaxed.
The longest I managed to go without it was two weeks, then I was willingly going back for more.
Basically, I couldn't stay away.
Like I said... addicted.
I can't describe why I liked it. Can't put the exquisite high into words. I wish I could, then everyone would understand why I did it. I want everyone to know that it's not my fault. I want everyone to realise how easy it was to become obsessed.
Then again, I doubt anyone would understand even if I could put it into words.
With an addiction, no-one understands why you start. They're all so damn patronising and condescending. They all think that if they were offered the same temptation, they would be strong enough to turn it down. They think they have the determination to walk away.
Honestly, they wouldn't. The strongest ones are the ones willing to admit that they have a problem. Because that's the hardest part.
It took me a long time to admit that. Too long. Because by then I was in far too deep. Before that, I'd convinced myself that I was just having 'fun,' escaping from the pressure, stress and daily hardships life tended to throw at me.
When I did admit it to myself - not to anyone else, that would have been the biggest mistake of my life - I couldn't stop. I couldn't walk away from that temptation.
That's how addictions work.
But most people get over theirs. I mean, they're still there, you just don't let them control you.
Truth be told, I didn't want to let mine go.
I'd changed, I knew I had, but I couldn't stop it. I couldn't focus, couldn't concentrate. Everyone started to notice, but I shrugged it off with a fake smile that I'm surprised no-one saw through. The people I was closest to pushed me to tell them what was wrong and it was then I snapped at them. The acid in my voice scared even me. They stopped trying to help then.
Addictions make you lash out at the people you are closest to.
It was after my friends and family started to address me with a painfully cold indifference, that I realised this was ruining my life and I hated myself for letting it control me.
I had a problem.
Realising it is supposed to help. It didn't. It made me unhappy and the unhappier I became the more I needed that sacred inner peace it gave me.
It was a thoroughly vicious circle.
I remember reading once that circles represent eternity. I didn't understand why back then. Now I do.
There's no escape from a circle.
It's eternal.
I needed to walk away from the problem. But it wasn't that easy.
I didn't want to say goodbye to him.
* * * * *
All I remembered from the first time is how new and exhilarating it was. I was bored of the monotonous routine that tortured me everyday.
He injected some excitement into my life and I jumped at the chance of having someone who could awaken explosive pleasure in me.
It was only meant to happen once, but once I'd had him once, and knowing that he had this amazing power over my body, made me go back to him. Over and over again.
And then I fell in love with him and I know he felt it too. We never said the words but we both knew how we felt.
It was raw. It was passionate. It was dangerous.
I guess that's why I liked it. It was so... different. That's why I kept going back for more.
I was in an incredible relationship with a boy who thought the world of me.
I had wonderful friends who would have died for me.
I had an amazing family who I loved more than anything.
And none of this made me stop going to him because the perfect relationship was becoming incredibly tedious; the perfect friends were becoming wonderfully dreary and the perfect family were amazingly overprotective.
Life wasn't as perfect as it seemed.
I longed for variety.
* * * * *
I woke up next to Harry, listening to the faint drumming of the rain. Harry was still sleeping and clinging to me like an injured animal longing for warmth. I felt so stifled, so... I can't explain it. I just knew I didn't want to lie in his arms any longer.
Outside in the quiet corridors, I let the cool air flow over my bare legs, giving me goose bumps.
I felt him approach before I heard him. Something told me he was coming.
He stopped walking when he saw me. Then that infuriating smirk appeared on his face.
He crossed the distance between us surprisingly fast. Stood in front of me, he towered over me. One look in his eyes told me tonight was going to be no different to any other.
I wanted him.
We wanted each other.
It was always him room. Him being, well.. him, he got his own, very private room.
The minute that door closed behind me, he pulled me to him and kissed me passionately.
He's amazing. There are feelings he invokes deep inside me that Harry can't touch.
He pulled away from me, and never breaking the intense gaze, he began to unbutton the large shirt I'd picked up from Harry's floor.
His mouth was placing sweet kisses on the hollow of my throat. His lips made their way down to my swollen nipples where they sucked on the sensitive flesh. I weaved my hands in his soft hair and moaned softly, a sound that he mirrored as his lips came up to reclaim mine as their own.
Suddenly all clothes were gone, discarded blindly in our desperation to feel each other.
I wrapped my legs around him, leaning back against the cold wall. As I felt the tip of his hardness at my opening, I breathed his name. His hands grabbed my hips as he entered me swiftly.
With every thrust he proved that he loved me. With every groan that escaped him and every time our brushed against each other he proved that I was his. No-one else could do this to me.
Everything around me was hazy. All I knew was that his body was joined with mine and that the exquisite release I longed for was just out of reach.
He seemed to sense this and brought his hand down between our bodies. With one final thrust, I cried his name and felt everything coming undone and everything unravelling and weaving together at the same time. In the distance I heard his small groan and then heard him growl my name as he, too, reached an intense climax.
It was a while before either of us moved. Eventually he eased off me. I groaned at the loss of his body. He arched an eyebrow at me. He came back over to me and pulled me to his bed.
"What do you want me to do to you, Weasel?"
So I told him.
And this 'Weasel' spent the remainder of the night and most of the following day, making love to a man who wasn't my boyfriend.
Like I said..
Addictions - they're dangerous.
Mine is especially dangerous. I mean...
I can't name a Malfoy that isn't.
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